First Episode Ever: 15 Years of Sex With Emily

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure. This episode is very special to me because you're about to listen to the very first podcast episode ever. And it's been 15 years since the first episode I recorded in 2005. And today I'm gonna tell you how I started the Sex with Emily show, how I got into the business of sex and podcasting. And you're gonna know a lot more about me. So stick around.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day.

I am Dr. Emily Morse and I am the host, creator, founder of Sex with Emily. I inspire people to prioritize their pleasure. I would always ask people, how did you meet and how did you fall in love? And then also as I got older, I realized that sex was built up to be the most incredible thing. Like when you get older, you get your driver's license, you get to have sex and sex was just utterly disappointing. It wasn't great. I didn't know anything about it, and I. I'm an overachiever, so I just thought, everyone's doing it better than me. What don't I know about sex? So when I. I started the podcast, seemed a lot of people were struggling with intimacy. And I thought, well, what is the connection here between sex and intimacy and relationships? And then I was a documentary filmmaker, and I loved. What I loved about my documentary was I loved interviewing people, I loved getting their stories. And I realized after that, well, if I'm gonna continue to do this, what topic would be interesting? And to me, this was infinitely fascinating. And so I started the podcast about 15 years ago. What I was going to do was a cable access show. So I was doing a show called Searching for Sex in San Francisco, and I did, like, three episodes. My intern at the time was like, oh, there's this thing called podcasting, and we just need to do audio, and that's it. I was like, oh, my God. We could do something without, like, camera and makeup. And like, yes. So I found a guy on Craigslist, his name's Eddie. He came over, and he was this amazing guy, and he brought this huge soundboard and a bunch of mics and set up. And then I invited a few friends over, and I decided to interview them about their sex life and their relationship. But that was the start of my first podcast. So I started doing the cable show and started talking to all my friends. And I just remember sitting with a bunch of my friends and just saying, like, I think I'm gonna do this. And then we were tossing around names, and I was like, talk with Emily. Da, da, da. And then I was like, sex with Emily. And I was like, oh, that's amazing. We're gonna do that. I didn't know how taboo it was. I didn't know that that would all of a sudden that I would become sex with Emily. Like, literally, I'm at a bar, my friend's like, there are sex. Have you met my friend? Sex with Emily? I did not think that it was so shocking and it would be taboo. There was none of that. It was just this internal knowing that I didn't really care. But this amazing thing happened to me after I recorded the very first podcast. And I didn't get up, I didn't go to the bathroom, I didn't eat, I didn't drink. And I realized that this was the thing that I was searching for my whole life. I felt so satisfied I felt so fulfilled just because it felt so engaging and so interesting. I thought, this is gonna heal the world. This is what we all need. And.

Up until that point, it felt like the most important thing to me was knowing how I was going to have an impact in the world, because that felt important. And also, it was important to do something that I loved.

I was raised by my mom, who was like, don't ever rely on anyone to take care of you. You gotta do it on your own. And then my dad died at a really young age. No matter how old you are, when someone in your life that you love dies, it really does sort of define your life.

We are not prepared in any way to deal with death.

I got a call from this radio station in San Francisco, and they said, we really like your podcast. Do you want to come in and do a radio show on Saturday nights? I was like, sure. Never been in a radio station, never done a show. All they taught me was like, here's the cough button and have a good time. And they close the door. And I had this flash. And I remembered at this moment that my dad was. Was a dj. He used to walk around the house interviewing us. And so he loved music.

When I was born, he became a lawyer because there was no money in radio. And I had a moment where I thought, this is it. This is my calling. Like, this is my connection to my dad, and I'm in the right place.

So here's my story about growing up, is that I had no sex education. My mom said to me, emily, if you have any questions about sexual, be sure to ask me. But what I realized was that every parent says that to their child. And we don't know what the questions are, because we don't know what we don't know. So then I started having sex. Went to college. I had a boyfriend, and he used to drive in, and we'd have sex, and he would just be, like, pounding away at me like a jackhammer. And then he'd leave. And I was with my girlfriends. I was like, okay, I got a question for you. What is the big deal about sex? Like, why is sex so interesting? What am I missing? And they were like, oh, well, haven't you ever had an orgasm? Have you ever masturbated? And I was like, I did not know anything about either one of those things. And I was shocked and a little bit disappointed. I was like, how do I not know this? And then so I went on a journey, and I figured out masturbation and sex. But then years went By. And I was in my 30s, and I just. I still felt like sex was just performative. It was about pleasing my partner. I would still fake orgasms because they were elusive. And I still believe that I should be having an orgasm with a partner. I thought that everyone did because that's all I see in television and the movie. So I thought I was broken. I liked it. I liked the physicality and I liked intimacy. And I realized that I just. Yeah, I didn't. I. I didn't know anything. This is a really important conversation, and I take this responsibility very seriously to always be the best version of myself, best healer, the best therapist to help people through their challenges. And this work, these conversations are transformative. I love connecting with people. I love seeing the look on their face where they're like, I'm not alone. I don't have to live in this jail of my thoughts, and I don't have to fake orgasms anymore, or I can ask for what I want in bed. Sex can actually be better. I didn't know any of this. And the cool thing is that even after 15 years, while we've made a lot of advances in gender expression and sexual orientation. But the thing that's so crazy is that after 15 years, the questions I get asked by my audience exactly the same. That's what keeps me going every day. Because I want us to be able to talk about sex like we talk about everything else that we place value on that we prioritize, whether it's our health, our religion, our spirituality. You know, all those things are so important. But sex is sort of like, oh, we don't have to talk about it. We're just gonna put it under the rug here and, like, maybe we'll deal with it, or it should magically be perfect. And, like, none of that is true. And it blows my mind that I'm still telling people this every single day. So the fact that every year there's more listeners and there's a greater audience, but the main base of people feeling shame and trauma and having misinformation that you have to undo. I always joining people came for the blowjobs, but they're gonna leave with, like, self confidence and self esteem. You know, you might come for the tips of how to be a better lover to my partner. Cause I wanna show up, but that's not what this is about at all. And so if sex gets him in the door, great. But a lot of it starts with ourselves. And how you become a great lover is to become a great lover to yourself. The truth is, like, once you love yourself, you can open up and love others.

I can't believe it's been 15 years. It's been so hard. I really, like, had no money. It was. The economy was bad. I had to sell everything I own and move out of my apartment in San Francisco and live on a friend's couch for seven months while I kept doing the show.

And that was really hard, too. Cause I was an adult. I was like, full on should not. My friends would, like, owned homes and had children. And then also just my mom flying out to San Francisco, coming into my apartment, where there was all these, like, crazy notes. And, mom, it's gonna work, because people need this. People are having bad sex. She's like. She thought it was like that scene in A Beautiful Mind. Like, that's what it looked like with the papers hanging everywhere and all my crazy ideas. And she was like, you know, you have a college degree and Starbucks has a very good health plan and you could sell shoes at Nordstrom. You know, she was just like, this is crazy. And so, you know, to kind of just be like, that's just Mom, I can make it happen.

Great news. About 15 years doing the show is every time I sit down and do a show or do an interview or do a podcast, there's a handful of times I've been like, oh, I can't do this cause something happened that day. Or it's hard to get in the moment. But mostly I'm so excited. And I love my job. I love all the emails and the callers and the questions and the guests. That's amazing. What's challenged still is just the business of it. It's been such a journey to believe in something like podcasting. And now everyone has a podcast. It was like people having a website in the early 2000s, and I think that's fabulous. But for so long, it was like, oh, I've totally been meaning to get into podcasts. Like, I was talking about yoga or something. Like, I mean, to get into it. And then I would take their phone and be like, it's super eas. I don't have to do that anymore. And that's so great, because now when I say podcast, like, oh, yeah, yeah. But just the act of being an entrepreneur and growing a business and being the talent, but then also being the CEO and the manager and hiring and managing people and making all the decisions has just been hard. I've gone through so many different levels of this process. I am a very hard worker, and I work a lot And I work all day, every day. I haven't had a lot of time off or vacation. And it's all about surrounding yourself with really good people and communicating. My best piece of advice is always communication as a lubrication. But the other one is to slow down. I think we have to learn all of our lessons in life to learn them. Like, the way I'm wired is it's gotta be a struggle. So I am truly grateful for all those struggles. And if someone had said, it's gonna be okay. You should just relax and slow down, I don't think I had the skillset to trust in that, knowing there's something to be said for that creative struggle.

So the first podcast, we actually. I believe I interviewed, like, 10 people that day. If I recall. There was a lot of people that came over. We put three people into the first podcast. But that first day was a lot of equipment. And then we just got a bunch of food and snacks. And that was always the beginning, too. I was like, want some wine? I thought we could all get a little buzz. But, yeah, that was the vibe. I was like, I wanted to be casual. I'd be like, hey, you wanna come over and talk about sex? We're just gonna do this thing, you know, we're just gonna talk about it. So it was very much like that. And I had a lot of friends, you know, great friends, just like, yes, of course. We'll support this. It sounds really fun. It was. Yeah. Nobody was talking about sex at the time. I just, like, sat down and just started asking questions. So I think my first few episodes were like, those interviews that day when I just sat there all day. Didn't wanna. I was like, this is it. So the first guest was Marilyn Yeager. And the reason why I had Marilyn Yeager on is because Brazilian bikini waxing, where you literally take everything off, was probably an early 2000s, late 90s thing. And it was all the rage. And she was, like, the one person you had to make an appointment ahead of time. And I remember her sitting there with, like, my legs in the air and, like, doing it, just ripping things. I was like, why do we have to go through this? Like, what? And she's like, honey, if you want to sell the house, you gotta mow the lawn. And I was like, that's funny. That's interesting. You know, Now I have different things to say about that. I'm like, no, let it grow. Do what you want for you. Like, I would never tell anybody. You gotta get a wax. But at the time, that Was interesting, and I just thought that was funny. But the other thing she said now that I'm remembering was she was like. And I don't remember if she said this in the podcast. She's like, I've got my finger on every hot pussy in San Francisco. I thought that was funny, too. I was like, she's a talker. And I just wanna know about, like, grooming, because that was such a big topic of conversation. So that was my thought around Marilyn Yeager.

Hi, Marilyn.

Hi. It's good to see you.

It's weird not to have my legs up in the air and being naked, but that's cool.

Yeah. Well, I usually recognize people by their pants down, not their faces.

Yeah.

I have 8,000 clients. Thanks to you girls for supporting me. I definitely believe I put Brazilian bikini waxing on the map over 13 years ago. A lot of people talk about Anastasia in Beverly Hills, the eyebrow guru to the stars. She was actually my main inspiration. She and I are really close friends. She does not do Brazilian bikini waxing. She only does eyebrows. She specializes. She does not go downtown. I brought Brazilian bikini waxing to the Bay Area. Nobody knew what it was. I've been doing it for 13 years. Started my business seven years ago. And as you know, personally, I think a lot of people are really intimidated by talking about their private parts, which I like to call pussy. It's. It is what it is. You know, I have fans all over the world. I walk into a restaurant and five guys are bowing on the floor because I take care of their wives, whether they're single or married. People come. I know we're gearing towards the singles.

No, we're not married people have any Brazilian waxes. More than straight. Because married people don't have sex. I'm convinced.

Absolutely.

Well, I mean, I'm just. I don't know many happily married couples.

I know, definitely, because I get the inside scoop. I'm also like a therapist behind closed doors. I could write three books on people's.

Life or at least do a race. I am going to, actually, because the women like their legs are spread. Oh, I hear everything. Their fingers are, like, in the lips of their pussies. And they're like, so my husband doesn't go down on me anymore.

Exactly. So what is changing their eyebrows? And they're telling me these stories inside when I'm all, girlfriend, drop your drawers. I will take care of you, and then your husband will not leave you alone.

Is it true? Do you see a difference in the.

Way bikini waxes do?

They Feel sexy or why?

Are you kidding me? I have clients who are the biggest prudes in the world and they're so shy and embarrassed. And then they get their Brazilian and they strut out of my salon like they are the hottest thing on this planet. They come back, they tell me stories about their husbands that they wouldn't leave them alone for hours. People are embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it, but obviously I'm not. That's what I do.

Wait, okay, before we go any further, because we will by definition, like technical terms. What's a Brazilian bikini wear?

Technically, many people call Brazilians all different types of things. My personal and my signature style is I like to leave a nice V in the front and take everything from the lips.

Not a line, but a V, not a line.

I personally do not like the landing strip. As I tell clients, it's your hoo hoo. You can have it however you want. You want it wider, smaller, all off, whatever, I don't care. I'll wax it. Four minutes. You're in, you're out.

Four minutes.

Four minutes.

Forever being four. Was it four with you?

Dude, you were with me five years ago. I know you improve every day. Oh my God.

I have to come back.

I do 25 to 40 people a day.

Okay.

Are you kidding me?

25 to 40 day?

Yeah.

8,000 unique users. Like they say on the Internet. You have 8,000 clients.

8,000 unique users.

You've had 8,000 times. And they're all San Francisco or men.

And women from all over the world, but mainly San Francisco.

But the wax goes in their ass. Oh, yeah. In their everything. It's painful.

It is a painful process. Although I have so good develop the technique that.

Yeah, after sex is better, right?

Sex is way better.

Why is it better?

Definitely. Why is the wrong skin on skin slippery?

So true.

You know, there's more sensation. You could go on forever about why it is visually. Men are visual. It's just better. It looks better, it's cleaner, it's more sanitary. I mean, obviously I'm a true believer. That's what I do for a living. I love it. I speak it, I sell it, I do it.

What about the men? Straight men too.

Straight men. Mostly straight men.

What do you mean? What do they do? They get in their Right now, usually.

It'S their wives and their fiances who are setting them up with it. But you know what? Like I say, you know what? We keep ourselves maintained. I don't want to put my face in a big old muff either.

True. Like I'VE noticed. I've been with some men in the last few years and, like, where's your hair? Like, but it's sort of disturbing. I don't want to. Men spend too much time down there.

But if you're single and just dating, I could understand why it would be odd, say, with your first sexual encounter or your first few. But if he's your fiance or your husband and you're trying to do something different, change it up a little bit. It's kind of the same with the girls, right? You got to change it up. You got to switch it around. They want something new and exciting. And believe me, I mean, you know, some people are into kinky stuff. Some people like hair. Not anybody I know because I won't let them have it. But men, if men don't have hair around their anus, whatever, it might be great to the woman to wring it. I don't know. Whatever they want to do, they do, right?

When they tell you all this, like, what do you mean? You're like a therapist.

I hear everything. I mean, people cry and laugh and get pregnant and get engaged or they break up with their boyfriends.

What did you have, six weeks?

Every four, three to four, they have sex with random people. They have. They're dating younger guys, they're dating older guys. I mean, I hear it all.

And it's like every hot pussy in the city. What do you mean by that? Every hot pussy in San Francisco probably.

Seen more pussy than any man on this planet. Definitely. I mean, come on, 8,000. Other than what, Magic or whoever got in trouble for being with all the time?

Are they all the same after a while?

No, no, because it's more about my relationship with the client. I am definitely not into the anatomy. I think the whole. Of course it is about having your pussy clean. I mean, my saying is a clean girl is a happy girl. And it's true that. Therefore, you make a happy boy. And you know what I say? When you're single, you gotta mow the lawn if you're gonna put the house up for sale, baby. Like, you wanna walk that strut. You wanna feel clean, you wanna feel sexy, and it's all good.

8,000 pussies in San Francisco.

Like, yeah, absolutely. And a few balls and sacks in there, you know?

$8,000, you can watch the balls.

Oh, absolutely.

Actually, it's funny you bring up balls. That's one of my topics tonight. I'm ball phobic. Like, I don't know. If I had a man in my youth tell Me like, oh, be careful with the balls. I don't touch them. It's bad. I probably, like. I kind of touch, but I feel like. Not really, though, I'm afraid. I do think. I think I do other things, but I feel like you're not really. Some don't like it. Like, they get their balls waxed, men. Yeah.

Yes, they do.

And it's not. And you do that. You touch him. You touch the balls.

I tell them they got all their own sex.

What's a male like on his first date with you? Oh, so his first date. His first wax date.

Oh, he's very nervous. Yeah. Oh, they're so nervous. You know, men are way more sensitive than women. They have such a lower pain tolerance.

Both.

Both completely. I mean, it's all. They have a way lower pain tolerance. They're nervous. But like I said, I usually do my clients, so they're affiliated, so it's usually not some random guy coming in, so it's his girlfriend. I may have met them before at a dinner or a Christmas party or what have you. So I think I put them a little bit at ease. I put everybody at ease. Come on.

I do put everybody.

You know what?

That is a huge part of it. That's a huge part of what I do. Not everybody could do what I do.

Have you done it in other cities? Did you start in LA or.

I was in la. I did not start practicing there. I started.

Okay. She started too. Okay. So do you think there's a difference between the San Francisco woman slash pussy and other cities or just. Or not, like, what you hear from.

I absolutely do think so. I think, you know, the J sisters in New York, they put Brazilian on the map in New York. Anastasia was big in LA for a while, and like I said, I put it on the map here in San Francisco. I think New York and LA women are different, regardless if we're talking about Brazilians or style, you know, singleness. I mean, dating's different there. It's more of a scene. I mean, the way that coming from la, seeing San Francisco, the way women are, I just. I tend to think that women here are more diverse. That's just it. There's such more. There's a diversity, whether it's the style, the weight, the color, the hair, anything. It is, you know, and the same thing with the hoo Hoo. I mean, the variety of the physicalities of it is amazing. You would be surprised. Like, men have different penises. Women are different in size, color, shape, wrinkles, flaps, whatever.

I had A friend who I met her, and she was dating a friend of mine, and we were taking a hot tub together. It was like we just met, and we were on this trip, a bunch of us, and she was dating my friend, and she had this huge bush. She was like, well, he kind of likes it. And then. And then, like a year later, she was dating another friend of mine, and she had this little tiny thing. It's like she was like. Her bush was, like, fluctuating from man to man, like, whatever he wants. Do you think that women kind of go with what their man wants, or you think women are more independent now? Deciding?

I think there's a little bit of both. I think it tends to lean more independence. Definitely what a woman wants. And she has and feels clean and does it. There are those women who do adjust for their men. Absolutely. Which is kind of sad. You know, you gotta do what feels good for you, what feels right.

Right. It feels so much better to be waxed, isn't it?

So much better for the perfect ending. Most people think that they don't have hair back there or they need it. And I said, you know what? We're not cavemen. We do not need butt hairs. We have underwear. So turn it over and spread them, baby.

Marilyn Yeager Skincare. Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, don't go away. We'll be back with Captain Erotic.

Captain Erotica was a freaking character. So at the time, we all went to Burning Man. All my friends went for years, since the 90s. And when it was at Baker beach, all the things. Burning Man, San Francisco is a great place to start a sex show and to have to grow up. But he was this guy, and I didn't know anyone else like him because he was very open sexually. And I remember that he was like, I teach men how to have sex with their wives. Or I'm like, this is how she wants to be touched, and this is what she needs. And he was like, so out there. I'd never met anyone else like them. He took me to my first sex party. He took me to a dungeon. He was just, like, open. I had never met anyone like that. I did. And now it's like, now I come to know that what he was doing was. He was like a sexological body worker. But he wasn't certified. You know, he was somebody who was like, I understand that I can have sex with someone's wife, or I can help them and not be emotionally attached. And I just thought he was a good time. So I was like, let's Talk about what you do. And it was just the kernels of so many other people I've met. But he was probably one of the first people that I knew that was open and talking about sexual independence and expression in a way that was contrary to most people I knew. How do you get a name like Captain Erotica?

Well, in my case, you choose it for yourself.

I took the name Captain Erotica as part of my Burning man experience. Burning man is an arts festival most people have probably heard about. But one of the nice things about it is you can be whoever you want. You can pick a name. It's called having a playa name or a Burning man name. And in my case, I picked Captain Erotica because it really represented what I'm about in the world, which is helping people to be more free with their sexual energy and make their fantasies come real.

How did you learn all this?

Well, I was really lucky. I mean, I grew up in New York, and I grew up with a family that was pretty open minded and liberal. Not in a freaky kind of way, but just like, cool stuff.

And did your mom say, honey, when you have sex?

Yeah, they were. They. My dad was the person who talked to me about it, and he was pretty straight up. I got to say, what's sex about? Talks. Well, funny, I first had oral sex when I was in seventh grade with Kim Brill, the ninth grader in our neighborhood who was the super high. I went down on her. Yeah, for the first time in seventh grade.

Seventh grade.

Yeah. I've been practicing ever since.

It was bad. See, most men can't even do it right until like 27. Right.

In college. I'm like, oh, God, I know this is right, but don't you just. Come on, let's have sex anyway. That's. Oh, my God. You are Captain Erotica.

My last lover said to me as she was looking down at me, she's like, wow, Captain Erotica, you have mad skills with the tongue.

Do they all call you Captain Erotica?

No, not all of them. Some people do.

His name is Captain Erotica. What else do I need to know? So you got this name. So you went to Burning man five years ago. Did you know that was gonna be your name or you got to the line.

Yeah, no, no, I picked it in advance. I was like. I was telling you earlier, I was trying to have our camp have a whole theme around kinkiness and being kinky superheroes because I think the world needs more of that.

More kinky superheroes.

Are you a kinky superhero? Yeah, absolutely. I'm a kinky superhero. Yep.

What are some other.

Other kinky superheroes?

Wow.

You know, there are not very many of them, actually. It's kind of a problem. Well, you are one, I think.

Tell me about polyamory.

Well, it's interesting.

A lot of y' all don't know what that means.

There's two different terms I want to throw out. Polyamory means many loves. It's. That's the literal translation. Right. And it's actually getting thrown around a lot now. It's a pretty hip thing. Like, bisexual was the hip thing of the 90s. Everyone was born, women were all bi. Right. But now it's everyone's poly. Oh, I'm poly. We're poly. But really, polyamory and polysexuality are two different things. Polyamory would be like, you and I are in a relationship, and we are in love, and then we. I also have a relationship with Elizabeth, but we're actually in love with each other, and it's all cool, and everybody knows about it.

We're all in love, each other.

I'm not in love with you. No. But if you might have a boyfriend or Eddie over here, and Eddie's your other lover, and we're all. And it's not just sex, it's actual relationship. So in other words, there's so many iterations. Some people are totally psyched. They're like, oh, you know what? I'm so busy in my career. You have another lover. That's great. I love them. I've met them. That's cool. Go away. I gotta finish this website this weekend. Well, so what we did, we came together and we had. Both. Had many lovers when we met, and we were not looking to get in a relationship. Everybody knew about each other in that circumstance. Yes, absolutely. And so what was trippy was that when we came together, we're both like, whoa, you're major. This is intense. But, wow, I have these other people. So what we talked about was that our idea was our ideal was to be in a polyamorous relationship where we could be together and be partners. And as part. Yep. Be partners. I mean, live together and be supportive of each other in a common way so that, you know, you're thinking of the other person. Not always, but you're there always in your mind. You're not just doing stuff only for you, because you're considering your partner when you're doing it. So you don't just go, oh, I'm going to Europe for two months. Whether you like it or not. Hope that's great. You're going okay. Does my partner going to be okay with that and kind of working it through? So there's your mate. There's the idea of a primary partner in polyamory, and then a secondary partner, and you can have multiple secondary partners. So just to clarify, polysexuality could mean that you have many sex partners.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because when I end this relationship, I was clear with my lovers. I'm like, look, I can't deal right now with getting into something new, and that's going to be something that is, you know, too emotionally elaborate because I'm now processing this stuff, and I don't want to do that to you, you know?

It hasn't been hard for you?

Well, no, it hasn't been hard. It's just been a matter of I want to be respectful.

Why do you want to network? Because of all the partners?

Not at all. I was actually not that in any way, shape or form. But let me finish that beginning story because it's kind of funny. So what we did was we said, look, we both ultimately want to be polyamorous and have more than one sex partner because we're both really sexual. We're both really into that. And so what we ended up saying was, is that the only real way that we felt comfortable doing that was to get involved with each other without these other lovers and really see whether we were good as partners. And if we were, then from that space, we would go forth and enter other lovers into relationships. So we spent a year monogamous, and we slowly invited other people in. First we did something where we had a girlfriend. And the girlfriend was someone who was both of our girlfriends. Yeah, we met her at Burney man, and she was someone who was a dominant woman. And this partner was submissive to me, too, sexually. So that just means that, like, you know, in the bedroom, she did what I said and all that stuff. My wife.

Yeah.

So anyway, did you switch it up or.

She switched?

No, never switch. Yeah. I'm not a switch person. I mean, I will for someone if they really, really, really want to, but I've. I've tried it. Back in the day, when we. With that first lover, we totally tried switching everything. And it was just like. Yeah, it doesn't do stuff for us, so it's fine. A lot of people switch. That's fine. There's no judgment about. About that as an individual thing. So anyway, so we had a lover at Burning man who was a dominant woman. And what we were going to do is her and I were going to dominate my wife together. And that was this very hot thing for all of us. And it was really safe for my wife because this woman's not going to steal me away because she's dominant, too. And this and that. That was kind of. And also that one was mostly a lesbian. So that was also kind of ironic because she was like, okay, I want to play with a couple. That sounds fun, especially if it's, you know, we're not, like, fucking. We're going to be, like, tying each other up and doing fun and stuff like that.

Right.

So it turned out that it was ironic because once we started fooling around, this woman really kind of fell for me and turned into someone who was definitely bisexual and definitely wanted to switch. And so it was a really quick, interesting switch around where she was like, actually, how'd you feel? I was very happy about that. She was beautiful. I was psyched. And I was like, okay, it's fine. You know, but it was a little threatening for my wife. That changed it for. She was like, okay, now it's different. It's not as safe and comfortable. So we kind of transitioned out of that.

She got. She moved out.

Yeah. No, she wasn't living with us.

I mean, no, but she.

Yeah, she moved out of our world. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So.

And.

And so that was an experiment. And then the next thing that we did. And this is very.

And you're right, there was no threatening.

No, no.

Because my. I mean, this woman was very cute. Totally cute. I wasn't, like, mega hot for her. She was cute, but not like. Like, I was like, but my wife is gorgeous. So she, you know, it wasn't issue for us at all. And we were really clear about that, too. Like, we can't come at polyamory for us at least from, oh, you're not enough for me, so I need to go get something else. We were like, I am so hot for you. And it's great that you want to be with other people, because everybody does. So as long as you do it respectfully.

This is the thing everyone does, but nobody talks about it.

Watch the Kinsey Report. Check the numbers. And that was back then. Think about now, right now you can IM someone and go hook up with me at the bar at lunch. They didn't even have that back then. So, you know, those numbers are more. And this is what it's about, what I tell polyamory to people. I said, polyamory is just the honest version of cheap cheating. Because everyone's doing it. And if you think you're not, then you better wake up.

It's true. I kind of agree with you.

It's totally true.

Everyone's cheating or they want to, or.

You know, surf porn, then have sex with their wives.

Exactly. Because it's all about the other and the fantasy. And that's totally valid to feel that way.

How does it work when you're like, honey, I made you dinner? He's like, oh, well, I met someone tonight.

No, see, it doesn't work like that. No, it's not that. It's contrived. I mean, you just brought up the exact point. You don't just spring it on someone. You can't do that. It's all about respectful communication. Being polyamorous doesn't mean you're single. It doesn't mean you have a free for all to fuck anybody you want. It means that you're acknowledging the fact that you might have other sex or other relationships in your life and that if you go through it in certain ways, it doesn't have to be negative. There's always hard stuff in polyamory. In other words, like, it's not just like, oh, you can do it perfect, and then it's going to be easier.

Monogamy.

No, exactly. It's not. And I tell you people, you know, if you think that just. Just because you're gonna have many lovers, all you're gonna get is extra sex, I'm like, you're clueless because notice that how much of relationship is sex and how much is about growth, and you'll notice, which is way more.

So you just talk about everything, every issue that comes up.

Yeah. You have to. Well, yeah. I mean, there's never cheated in your polyamorous. No, no, no. There's. There's different models of it. Some people model where it's like, I want to keep my thing private, and that's not necessarily the healthiest way, but that's one way that it's okay for people. It's like, I have my thing, and when I go and I see John, I don't want you to know about it, but I. And what you do is you create boundaries about comfort. There's. Hold on a second. There's a lot of different methods. So one method is people are just like, hey, open season. Do whatever you want. Whatever you want. I don't care.

People do this in polyamorous.

Yeah. They're like, hey, we've been married for 20 years. If you want to meet someone in a bar, Tonight and them instead of coming home and eating dinner. That's totally okay with me. And I might happen. And that's fine. We're both okay. That's like the super old school, you know, they've been doing.

That's fine.

Exactly. There's all kind of rules you can create. The reason marriage is ludicrous is that you say these words.

Marriage is ludicrous.

It is.

It's ludicrous. The way I should say marriage is ludicrous in the way it's normally done, which is that people make these vows and contracts and they don't update them. Do we do that in business? Do business contracts last that long and stay the same? You gotta be freaking high.

We talked about this earlier. A guy who's a. You know, he works in men's health, and he was saying that relationships should be based on a three to five year contract. Every year he should have to renew it.

Exactly.

Because otherwise you get lazy and bored and you're surfing porn and the women are sleeping with their.

And you're a different person. Everyone's a different person five years later. If not, what the fuck are we all here for, right? You know, so it's like, if you acknowledge that and that person is growing together, then you're gonna know that, you know, okay, then stuff might change forever.

And then they repress it and communicate because it all goes back. I think that every conflict basically goes back to sex and these sexual urges that we kind of repress.

You have to ask your partner what you they want. And it is your duty. I say it is your duty in the universe to fulfill that person.

I don't care.

That's fine. That's.

How do you figure out what you want?

Well, you have to try stuff and you have to talk and explore a little bit about.

A lot of people are uptight about it.

It's very true. But you have to be brave. If you're not brave, you don't get anything. Do you get anything in business by being yummy?

Right.

You have to take a little risk sometimes to do something different and new.

And grow, like everything in life. Like whether it's a new job or athletic. Right?

Exactly. People don't ask that question about one of the most important things that they think about all the time.

Everyone thinks about it. That's how we're doing the show. You should, because it's like you scratch the surface.

Talk about an untapped market. Give me a break.

Sex with Captain Erotica.

Sex with Emily and Captain Erotica.

Stay tuned. For more sex with Emily because we have more throwback sex talk after the break.

Dorca is still a very dear friend of mine. And it's interesting because at the time when I met Dorca, she's a few years older than I am. And I don't know if we talked about our ages in that, but she was like, eight. I think she's like eight years older than me. But I've never had the calling to have children. It just. My body didn't speak to it. I always knew that I was going to birth something, but it was going to be something through work. It was gonna be a movement, it was going to be something impactful. I. Yeah, I just wasn't a path at the time. I was probably one of the only people I knew that didn't want kids. That was certain. And that wasn't even looking for marriage. That wasn't my jam. I was the only one of my mom's friend's kids in Michigan who didn't get married and have kids. And she was just an independent spirit like I was, but she was leading the path. And she was like, I don't want kids. I don't want that either. And I just. And she was just. We met because we both worked in politics. We both did a lot of things. And I thought. I always thought she had an interesting perspective. And she was also dating, like, the way that was like, yeah, I've got. I need sex. I like sex.

Here's what I'm into.

And she's much more direct than I am. Like, I'm more of, like, a pleaser, and I want everyone to like me in that way. And she's just, like, unapologetically Dorca. She's like, this is what I do. Either join me or I don't care. So I just loved her independence and how very Dorca she was. Wherever she went, whatever room she was in, she was always Dorca. She still is. She was. Stayed here last week. She was voted by San Francisco magazine as one of the hottest single people in San Francisco. And she's here tonight. Welcome, Dorca. You've been single and dating in San Francisco for. Do you mind saying how old you are?

I'm 41, and I've been single and in relationships, you know, for the last 15 years. And definitely this is a total myth that there's no men in this city. I mean, I have a list of great guys. Well, I think part of it is what we were talking about, the kid thing, which is when you don't have that pressure, then you don't come off as being psycho. I think so many women my age, they really know what they want. They want to get married, they want to have kids, and that freaks guys out. And so if you don't have that pressure, then you just can kind of go out there and meet guys and have fun.

It's so true. It's like, I feel like this primal urge that women have to have children. Make men think like, women over 35, like, they're gonna be desperate. And I almost feel like there's something to learn because you always knew you didn't wanna have kids. And I'm not sure that I do. But even it's true, though, women, if they just kind of take away that desperate, they might be luckier. But women do have this sort of, like, I have to reproduce now. There aren't women who haven't, but that I've known and met that are like, I've always known I don't want children. Has that been a hard decision, or how do you.

Yeah, I mean, it's definitely ended a couple of major relationships for me. Because most guys, you start out saying that, and they're like, oh, that's cool. That's fine. Whatever. I'm in love with you all. You know, it doesn't really mean anything to me. And then about a year into it, they start looking at you and they're like, I want a little dorca. Don't you want to have a little dorca? And I'm like, no. No, I don't. And it's rough, it's tough, but, you know, you can't sort of do it halfway. Like, I'll have one kid for you. You kind of really want to have a kid, right?

Like I said, there's a lot of men and women who admire you and men who want you. And I feel like there's a sense about you. There's a lot of women, I think, not just in San Francisco and everywhere, desperate, and they're the victims. And they're beautiful, and they're smart and they're intelligent, but they're desperate. And the victims. And you've never had that. I don't know a lot of women like that.

And they have a lot. You know, then they have victim written on the front of their forehead, and they go out and they're. And they're looking. You know, they're on a mission to find a guy to get married. And that's.

What do those women look like besides says victim in red on the forehead? Like, What? Could you give me some characteristics? I mean, you're not like that, but you know them well.

I just think it's, you know, women, when they. The problem is women do know what they want, and so. And they know much more than men, especially at my age, you know, you know what you want, you know, the kind of guy you want, you know, the kind of life and that's really threatening to men. They don't really want. Men don't want to be controlled.

They.

They want to feel like they're in charge, you know, they're the hunter and whatever. But we all know really that the women are the gatherers and the women have always been the ones in control. But you kind of have to learn how to do it in a way that makes. Allows men to still feel like they're in control. But the problem is when you are 40 and you do want to have kids, you are under time pressure. So it's this really evil thing, I think that's. That's happens to women is they get stuck in this really bad position.

That's a tough question.

It is a tough question. You know, it's really about male and female psyches and just women have to kind of learn how to play men to get what they want. And sometimes women are just too honest and they kind of just wear it, you know, they're just straightforward about what they want. And that freaks guys out. Guys, you know, what was Merily saying? Guys are super sensitive, you know, emotionally and physically. They're not like women. Women are much tougher. Women go through childbirth, they go through all this kind of stuff, and women just like lay it out on the line. And men just don't know how to handle that. So you kind of got to learn how to like, kind of massage, you know, these guys.

So women don't. Women don't hold back enough. I think that men want more women like you that are strong and smart and intelligent.

They do in a way, but they want to have kids. Most men want to have kids. So in a way they're attracted to me, they want to go out with me, but then they want to have a kid, you know, so it's this kind of, you know, I'm kind of.

How did you know you didn't want kids?

I never crave, like, I love kids. I have a godson, he's, you know, I adore him to death, but I just never want. I just see how much time it takes to commit to having a kid. And I think most people don't really think about until all of a sudden they have a kid. I have so many friends of mine. Obviously they love their kid once they have it, but they're like, wow, I had no idea what it meant to only sleep two hours at a time and to not be able to, like, even go get my pussy waxed because I don't have time, you know, And.

I feel like they also, maybe they sort of admire your lifestyle in a way, because you're dating and you're doing these things well.

You know, the grass is always greener.

That's true, too. They have maybe more of the stability. So you've dated men in San Francisco, New York, L.A. paris, Brazil. Louisiana. Argentina. Argentina.

Like, she had, like, a guy in Argentina. She flew down to the weekend. Could you talk about men in San Francisco versus men elsewhere? Or, like, the difference between. Do you think there is a San Francisco male?

You know, there's so many different kinds of San. I mean, what happens in San Francisco is we're so provincial that we get stuck in our little neighborhoods or in our little groups, and that's what happens. I think some of these women, like, you know, I live in Pacific Heights. I have a lot of friends that live in Pacific Heights. They're like, there are no men out there. I'm like, well, you haven't gone south of Market or to the Mission, you know, since you were 21. There's a whole world out there, you know, and then there's like the Burning man world, and there's all these different worlds in San Francisco, but they're so segregated.

What's Burning man like?

Well, I mean, Burning Man. I mean, if you want to hook up, you go to Burning Man. I mean, there's just like, men and women everywhere, and everyone's sexy looking and dress up and in costumes, and you can just kind of. And I think that's what people like about Burning man is people can, you know, people take on their different names. They go out there and they have this whole alter ego experience for a week, and then they go back to their, you know, desk job at whatever software company.

How do you. How would you explain Burning Man? What is it?

Burning man is the most amazing experience. It is the wildest. It's not like if people are like, oh, it's this fair with music and art. It's not. It's this wild, wild, wild happening and everything's there. I mean, you can find anything. You can find S and M. You can find, you know, people giving wax jobs out there.

Really?

Oh, yeah. There was a whole There was a whole camp where they were. They'd shaved in wax. That's what their offering was.

And it's.

And there's no money being exchanged there. And people are just super generous. It's the most amazing community out there. No money.

And you slow down and you're like.

Well, if you slow down, you need like a couple weeks to recover after you go to Burning man, because you're up all night. Because that's what's so fun. And there's so much to see. I mean, there's just. Everything is just wild and there's grits.

Men think that women can only have emotional sex. And I feel like the stories you've told me that you've had emotionally detached sex, like you can just be with a guy for, like, sex sake.

Totally. I mean, you have to feel some kind of connection.

Right?

You know, it doesn't have to mean anything more than it is right there. But I think all women are like that. This is a big myth about women. Like.

You know, that women only have sex when they really want to be with a guy. Women are having sex all over the place. Come on, look@match.com. i mean, there are women out there, they're putting their picture out there, and they just want to get fucked that night. They don't even want to, necessarily. I have guy friends of mine who tell me that they don't even, you know, have to take the girl out to dinner. You know, they see her on match.com, they come to the door and she, like, pulls them in and throws them in bed, you know, and they don't want to have to deal. And I think women are actually more that way, especially in their 30s and 40s.

I agree.

You know, I mean, we have a friend of ours who's dating this woman, and he said to her, you know, I feel like all we do is get together and have sex. And she was like, yeah, you know, I agree. Because we have a life, you know, and unless you're Mr. Right or you think that he's Mr. Right and you do want to pursue something. Yeah, you want to have sex. And if Mr. Right's not there, you still want to have sex. So, you know, you don't want all the complications.

I totally agree. I feel like it's through my research, my informal talking to everyone I know, every woman I talk to tells me that their boyfriend does not want to have sex as much as she does.

Guys are like turtles. There's, you know, when there's something emotionally going wrong, with them, their penises shrink. It's amazing. Like, to me, it's like, even when I have a fight with a guy, you know, with my boyfriend, I want to have great makeup sex, you know, that's, you know, and that's. I think women are that way. Women are emotional and physical. They want to, like, that's how they show their affection, you know, that's how you get back together with your guy.

After you've had a fight. So true.

The guys, like, they have to take days, like, thinking about their problems, you know, and they get all withdrawn. I'm like, come on, we could be having fun right now. We could be having great sex. Why do we have to, like, be pondering, like, the fight we just had three days ago?

Let it go. It's like this big American myth. Talk about myths. I love myths. You always hear, growing up, like, I think I might have learned it, like, in grade school. They're like, the women are frigid. They don't want sex. The men do. And I've not heard one man complain to me, not one. And I've talked to men and women that their girlfriends don't want sex. And every woman has told me, the man I'm dating in his twenties, thirties, and forties, mostly men in their thirties, early forties, do not want to have sex as much as they do.

It's a problem when you get into. Into a relationship is you start having boring sex because you don't kind of cross other lines, you know, and so you got to keep it fresh in.

You, and you got to. How do you do that, though?

Well, you know, you got to start dressing up, you got to start doing weird things. You got to do a little exotic dance for your guy. You got to, you know, take into a strip class at the strip club and, you know, do a pole dance for him or, you know, you got to do something to, you know, or call him up in the middle of the day and blindfold them and take him to a hotel room or, you know, just you. You know, because that's what happens is we all kind of get stuck in our ways and we come home, we get in bed, and we have, you know, missionary style sex and we go to bed, you know, or we sit and watch TV and we look at each other and we're like, okay, well, how's sex? You know, I mean, it stops being sexy when you first meet someone. You're like, in a club and, you know, you're kind of boozy and, you know, it's all New and exciting.

It's just months.

You gotta do that in a relationship. Cause all of a sudden if you don't do that, then you're looking at the pool boy and he's looking at the secretary.

I think monogamy is an epidemic.

Well, I think monogamy can. Monogamy can be great because then you can go deeper. You can go maybe to a sex.

Club together, you can work at it.

You know, but you can do these things that you maybe wouldn't feel comfortable with someone that you just met randomly, but you can do like, you know, you can do wild, kinky things together because you know each other well enough.

You know, so that you can't. You can go deeper, you know, like.

Okay, I'm going to be the little French maid tonight. I'm going to do it and have a lot of fun doing it.

I signed a French maid. Got to my Halloween one, right?

I was a French maid.

Oh, you know, I was at hottest uniform.

He was a cheerleader.

Yeah, Dark Eye has the hottest cheerleading uniform. And it was like, I still have the poster.

It's like for a 15 year old, it's very tiny.

Yeah, your body is like a 15. I mean the boobs and the whole thing.

Oh my God, you're so good.

Thank you. So that's Sex with Emily. Wasn't that fun? You don't even have to stay and cuddle. And thanks for listening. Hopefully you learned something. Please check back. Go to sexwithemily.com and we will talk soon. Thanks. Thank you for 15 years, everyone. I can't believe it's in 15 years. Thank you. You can find more@sexwithemily.com sxm Also, follow me on all social media. Sex with Emily across the board. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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