First Step to Better Sex with Lady Cheeky

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right, everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness and now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic.

Or.

Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps, it licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course I had to hook.

All of you up.

So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com.

Emily hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On tonight's show, we're talking about how to feel good about yourself in order to improve your sexual confidence and have a better, better sex life. First, everyone, thanks for listening to the show and I love being able to help you have the best sex life and relationships possible. So here's a way you can do that. Also by supporting my sponsors and getting a massage candle, which is actually the perfect gift for the holidays because they're beautiful candles. They're aromatherapy. I mean really, you could use them at dinner. You don't have to use a massage candle. You can use them for atmosphere. They smell amazing. But a massage candle is amazing because it gets your partner into the mood for sex. The warm. So you burn it, right, like a regular candle and then you blow it out and it's not waxy or messy or sticky or hot. It actually turns to the most luxurious massage oil and it feels amazing when you pour it on your partner. And people have emailed me, they've been emailing me this week. They've been buying it and they're like, oh, my God, it changed my sex life. Someone tweeted me last night. They're like, thank you so much. It improved our sex life because it just feels so good. You give your partner a massage and then you sex. We rub all over each other and it's like coconut oil and soybean oil. It feels amazing and you'll just love it. And the scents are just delicious. So go to emilyandtoni.com, use code EMILY for 20% off. That's emilyandtoni.com and use code EMILY and get her something sexy this year. Get yourself something sexy. You deserve it. Use it for yourself. I don't care. Every night I blow it out, I put it on my body, I rub it on my body because it feels amazing and it's moisturizing and nurturing. So do that. Happy holidays. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God. I feel sure. Oh, God.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where, you know, if you don't go to sexwithelmily.com, you're really missing out. I mean, you love my podcast, you love my website. You just will check it out. We put up new posts every day. We've got information on there how to have better sex and relationships, which is what we're all about. Also, sign up for my mailing list because I send you fun emails that will change your life. Truly, that's what people tell me. It's going off. People say, so check it out. Also tonight's show, I'm really excited. We have a special guest. Elle Chase is a sex educator, writer, she's a sex coach, She's a sexy woman. She's currently making waves for the plus size body positive movement as well. And her site, oh, my God, you gotta check it out. Ms. Cheeky has been named the best Tumblr porn by salon.com. and she'll also be teaching a workshop, big Beautiful Sex, Sex and body Image, at the upcoming she conference, which I've been talking about for a few weeks. It's taking place January 17th and 18th in West Hollywood. And if you want to see what's all about. Oh, so it's a two day sex conference, first of its kind, People can come from anywhere. And like the best top sex educators are going to be teaching you classes on any topic you can imagine. How to better sex, better solo sex, better partner sex, how to improve your relationships. There's just so much going on. It's two days in Hollywood. There's parties, there's an award ceremony. You're gonna meet interesting people and the best products are gonna be there. Best part? No, not the best part. I'm giving a keynote. I'm giving the keynote speech. Not sure what it's about yet, but it's gonna be awesome. Gotta write that. So check it out. January 17th, 18th, West Hollywood. If you want to go, email me feedbackextextwithemily.com and I can maybe give you a ticket. So let me know why you want to go. I'm giving away some free tickets and each ticket is good for two people, so email me. And actually you can always email me feedbackexwithelmy.com with all your questions and relationship questions because I love hearing from you. I read all your emails and I just, you know, give me feedback for reals, what you like about the show, what you don't. I am here with Anderson. How you doing, Anderson?

I'm good. How are you, kid?

I'm really good.

Long time. Long time.

I know, it's been a long time. How's your holiday season going? It still freaks me out. There's like lights up and stuff. I'm not ready for it.

I know I don't have time for that yet.

Me neither.

And I want it to be here. The longer the better. But it's like I don't have time to go get the tree and turn on, put the lights on.

You have to do all that stuff.

I think I might be that weirdo that's gonna put them up like, you know, like at the end of December and then leave them up till February.

Are you that person I might have.

To be this year? Cause it's.

I kind of like those people. Cause you're like, oh my God, it's Valentine's Day and you've lights up. That's so sweet. No, I love that.

Is that how you see it?

No, I love the Lights.

I see them as lazy white trash people that decrease the value of my home.

I don't know. I want the lights up in my house. They're happy. You do rent. Okay, Anderson, but I was gonna ask you because the holidays, you know, it's toug time to, you know, people get really stressed out and they. Which it should be all about joy and love and happiness.

It's time to reflect.

But it is time to reflect. But I was gonna ask you since you. I know you see a lot of movies. It's also. I was thinking, like, holidays best time. Your podcast a film vault. You must be doing a thing on the best holiday movies.

Yeah, we did that back, like, in August. September.

You already knew.

We always look ahead. Yeah.

Okay, so tell me, what are they like? So let's just say if people don't he. So is a podcast as a film about. Which is amazing. And he talks about movies every week.

But this I got one for.

What should I see? Because I want to chill out and see a movie. I haven't seen one in five years.

Big Hero 6, which came out a couple of weeks ago. I finally pulled the trigger and saw that one. I was a little bit late with that one, but I usually like to let the kid ones kind of die down a little bit and let the kids out of the theater. Only had one annoying child in the theater today. But this is a movie that both adults and kids are going to enjoy. So if you. If you're taking, like, some kids out to a movie this holiday season, can't go wrong with Big Hero 6.

Okay, what about for me?

No kids for you. It hasn't come out. Oh, the two best movies that are in theaters right now, bar none. Birdman. Holy shit. Is that a great movie. Birdman is fantastic. As well as Whiplash, which is about competitive drumming. Whiplash. Not since I was a little kid and I saw Rocky have I felt so, like, high when I got out of a movie. Like, I was about drumming. Oh, my God, you have no idea.

I'm sorry.

J.K. simmons. You see him, like, in all the insurance commercials. He's also a character actor. You've seen him in a hundred things, but he brings it in this movie. He's like. He's like a drill instructor of a drummer teacher and Miles Teller, who's like a young John Cusack. He's gonna be the next big movie star.

Really? He's great.

He plays a young drummer who plays drums till his hands bleed.

Seriously passionate. Is it based on a real life story?

But the guy that wrote and directed it, he did have some musical background growing up. But it gets real competitive. Like anything but, like, you know, top level musicians learning to, you know, at these prestigious schools for jazz drumming, that kind of thing. Classical drumming.

This doesn't sound like. It would be like, what'd you say?

Like rocky.

When. When. When the movie ends, you're on a high. Like, you're not so high.

I love it.

It's so good. I'm already high and I haven't been there.

It's called whiplash.

Okay. Check it. That's good, because I. I'm just thinking about the holidays and that everyone should just take time to chill out, too, and, you know, spend time with your partner. Spend time alone. I'm spending a lot of time alone, which I love, actually. Which I didn't know is great.

You do, but you're never alone. You always have something vibrating between your legs.

Exactly. I do have something vibrating, actually, right now. That's why I'm so happy. I'm so happy also. You guys, check this out. On Thursday nights, you can watch our show. If you ever wanted to see what happens. It's very exciting. Go to sex with Elmy.com Thursday nights, 8, 39, 30 Pacific Standard Time. You can see cute Anderson's face, and you can see me and my guests, and it's really fun. And also follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. If you love me. Only if you love me. But if you don't love me, you know, don't. But you probably should. And we're looking for interns. If you want to be an intern at Sex with Emily, go to internships.com or email us feedbackex with elmi.com with your resume and all that stuff.

What are some of the prerequisites for that? Must have open, willing vagina.

Exactly. No, you have to be. We want.

We need.

That's a really good question. We need people who are writers. We need social media interns. We need production interns. We need video interns. You need everything. Shooters, photographers.

Sounds like you're making a point.

And you get free sex toys and you get to try them. And if you like sex toys, you can come on the show and talk about them. We have interns sex toy review today. And all my interns have had a pretty good, damn good time. I gotta say. I've never had any complaints, so there's that. Okay. I am so excited for my guests who just joined me. Yay, Elle. I just met Elle recently. I may have heard Of Elle. And then we had dinner. We did. We had a lovely dinner. That was so fun.

It was fun.

I know. I enjoyed it.

I did, too. Really?

And now here we get to see each other here, sitting in the studio. Thank you for coming. I'm very excited to have you here. And so tell me what you've been up to.

Oh, my goodness, Emily. I've been up to a lot. I've been working a lot on the Big Beautiful Sex workshop. I'm writing the book version of that.

Okay.

And I'm also developing a longer workshop of it. So I'm just putting more things into it, which I'll also.

The workshop at she.

The workshop at she.

Have you taught it before or. That's the first time. Okay. This is what you teach.

This is sort of my main staple.

This is your main jam. Okay.

This is my thang. Because I'm really passionate about people who like their bodies for some reason. Doesn't matter whether you think you're fat or you're been skinny your whole life or you think that you have horrible skin. There's always something that somebody has and it inhibits people from having fun and going out and dating and having sex and doing the things that they would really, really like to do. So that's sort of my thing.

God, that's. I mean. So. Okay, so how did you. Okay, first of all, I'm talking to El Chase, first of all, her website, lchase e l l e chase.com and then also your Tumblr site.

Yes. Which is ladychiki.com.

Ladychiki.Com. Just if you need some point of reference, is beautiful, sexy woman in front of me. So tell me how you. How you got into this, how you got into teaching these kinds of workshops about body image. And I mean, obviously it is for men and for women. And it just. I want to say that it is 40 minutes. I asked you a question, then I'm going to talk for a second. No, but it is true. That is that just. I mean, I know it's called. It's called Big beautiful, Big beautiful sex. Big beautiful sex. So. But it's not even just. You could have issues with your weight. You could have issues with. I mean, I know so many, you know, I don't want to see my scar. I don't want, you know, I gained two pounds. Or I, you know, I have this weird, you know, one boobs bigger than the other or, you know, I hate the face that I make when I'm having, you know, my O face or Whatever it is, everyone. Guys afraid of their penises or their bodies. I mean, I know a lot of guys keep their shirts on. It's not just women, you know, keep the lights on or keep. Want to keep the lights off. So how did you. How did this become your thing that your focus? Tell me how you got into this. I sort of had, like, a mission, which is a mission.

I got a divorce a few years ago. I had turned 40 and I decided I needed to leave my husband. And I never had good sex. And I had never understood why people had sex.

Really.

It's kind of like, wow. So that's the thing. I guess I'm one of those people that's just frigid. I really never had.

Really. How long were you married?

I was married for seven years. And before that I had had sex five times.

Come on.

Seriously. My boss at the time used to joke, hold up her hand and go times, not people times. Yeah, I had vaginismus for a little while, which is when, you know, your muscles that surround the vaginal opening contract and you can't get anything inside. Very painful. And. Yeah. So at any rate, so I. I had never had good sex. And I had this sort of awakening and I found myself single and really wanting passion, really wanting to experience what it is everybody else does and says it's so great. And. And I finally did. I found a man that I had a relationship with who finally showed me what it was like.

So he was your teacher?

He was my teacher in many ways. And. But the thing that he gave me that was. That would have taken me years on my own to get was that he was so patient with me and my body image issues because I was. I'm a bigger girl. And when you grow up in Los Angeles, you know, you compare yourself to a lot of people and you don't really sort of take stock of what makes you so wonderful and sexy. And so after about a few months, I finally, like, took my slip off and I really got it. Like, I got that he found me sexy and I felt sexy, and I. The minute I felt like that, I could remember it and I could bring it back to me. And what I realized was that how you feel about your body has nothing to do with how sexy you are. How sexy you are is inherent. You are a sexy person. Just like you have brown eyes or brown hair. Everything else is a construct.

Exactly. It's how you feel about yourself. And even if your partner is always telling you it's like, it's so hard because I Hear from couples all the time. It's like, you know, my partner, you know, what do I do? I tell her all the time that she's, you know, beautiful, or I tell him that he's great and everything's fine. But it doesn't matter how many times someone tells you. You have to love yourself, you have to love your body. Otherwise you just, you. You won't have the best sex of your life. You won't even, you know, it could be just mediocre like you had for a naughty or non existent. Did you have orgasms before?

I had orgasms through masturbation before.

Okay.

But I wasn't all that interested.

Okay, really? So the whole time you were their husband, but you had. Okay, so you masturbated, but with your husband. Did you have orgasms during intercourse?

No.

No.

No.

So did you learn also now? Are you. Have you learned more about your body?

I explored my body before I even had sex with somebody. Because I don't know what pleases me. I've got to figure it out.

You're 40, right?

And I, and I, you know, I read Sherry Winston's Anatomy of Aroused Women's Anatomy of Arousal and. Which sort of kind of blew my mind. And I was like, wow, I've never even looked at my vulva before.

Oh my God, this is amazing.

So. So I just sort of. I just learned what I liked. And then with this man, we just sort of tried things out that we were interested in.

Was like totally down into like playing and experimenting.

That's what you need.

You need someone who.

God, yes.

So what was the first thing that he like? Did he go slow? How did he start introducing new things to you? Like, give me an example of something that he did that was sort of opening your eyes and stretching your boundaries.

He made a list of all the things I the Tumblr site for us.

Okay.

And so we would send pictures back and forth. And that's how the Tumblr site, super hot site.

Everyone should check it out. Lady cheeky. I was getting aroused in the office saying, this is hot. Oh my God, masturbating tonight. I was so glad because I was like, I mean, I've checked it your site before, but it was funny because we're leaving your show and I thought, I'm actually gonna go on, Matt. I've got like all these toys I have to try, you know, I'm like, I'm gonna fucking just look at her site. It's super hot. So you start. I love that. So it just started between Like, a private thing.

And it was a private thing. It was private. And people started finding it, and then they started writing, and then they started telling other people, and suddenly now there's like, 100,000 followers.

It's amazing. Organic sensation.

Just organic sensation.

Organic thing. Sexiness. I love it.

So we would make. We would send each other pictures, and I would post them up on.

But they're not just pictures. They're not of you?

No, no, not of me.

They're pictures that you found that were erotic online.

Yes, because at the same time I was discovering this about myself, I was discovering porn, because porn. As a feminist, I was so against it. You know, women were subjugated, and it was. The women that were in porn had, you know, horrible lives, and it's just not the case. So I became more educated about it, and I saw and I found that. Thank God for porn for me, because I was able to look at something and go, that turns me on. I want to try that. And so what he did is he made a list, and so we would just check things off the list. What do you feel like today? Oh, I feel like doing this. Let's go.

And literally, like a list.

Literally.

Like a checklist, Right? You could use, like a project management system. Exactly. Well, for today, these are all the anal things I want to try. And these are all the boob things. Breast things. Boobs. Okay, but tell me about. Okay, so back up. I need to know. Like, what. So when you first started watching porn, where did you go? What was your first porn site that you went to? Like, what?

Oh, gosh, I don't even know what my porn.

What was the thing that first turned you on?

You remember? Well, gosh, to pick a lot.

It's reading, you know. You read a book?

Yeah. This one's fun. You're like this. Emily. So I had become obsessed with True Blood, the show on hbo, and.

Obsessed. Like, they should really have a restraining order, you know? And so I started tweeting and I started role playing characters that people make up in the True Blood world, because all the True Blood characters have been taken. Right. So I became Bill's robe.

Okay.

Bill's the main vampire. Trust me, I have a healthy sense of humor about this, so. And I knew I was, like, going nuts, but it was. I was flirting with people, and they were flirting back. I'd never flirted before.

And then it was called, like, Illsrobe.

Ilsrobe. Yeah. I have a gun on it for years.

That's amazing. Okay. On Twitter.

And so I'm Also, you're, like, personifying.

The robe of the side.

I was personifying.

Yeah.

And I would have, like, conversations with his slippers. It was really, really crazy. So at any rate, so I'm also an Anglophile, so I made up Lady Cheeky and I went in and I was Anne Boleyn's handmaiden and we would sort of role play that. And that's where I met this. This man.

I thought you met the man. Okay.

On Twitter. I know. Social media. Yeah, I mean, you know, listen, I had him checked out by a private investigator.

Did you? Before.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, because I would not.

So you started flirting online after or.

Offline for three months. He wooed me with love letters. We texted and iMed and let him back and forth.

Pictures and stuff too.

Not nude pictures.

No, but just pictures like you saw.

Yeah, I saw what he looked like. And.

And the only bummer was, is he was married.

Oh, okay. That is a.

It is a bummer. It is a big drawback. But I was so, like.

Did he tell you that right away?

Not right away.

Right.

He got you.

And then he.

I know. And then once he got me in, that was it.

Oh, P.S.

Yeah. P.S. by the way, I'm married.

Yeah. BTW. Yeah.

So I was just. I was fucked. That was just it for me.

Devastated. Okay.

Yeah. So there went like three years of my life. So at any rate, it's all good.

Oh, so you were with him for three years and then you found out he was married towards the end?

No, I found out, like, after he had been wooing me and we were like, saying, I love it.

And then you were together.

Yes.

And he never got. Okay. Got it.

Yeah. Which is all. It's all fine now. Like, friends with his wife, the whole thing.

Got it.

It's all good.

It happens. So no judge, no judgment. I got it. But he led to your sexual awakening. So then. Okay, so you started flirting and the cheeky. And then the porn. Now so you started watching porn. And so when you were making this list, for example, give me. Give me an idea of some things that were on your list.

There were things that I was discover that really sort of titillated me and I didn't understand why. For instance, having sex on top of a car or in a car. Now, there is nothing in my past. There is no sort of, you know, weird trauma or something? I have no idea. I don't care about cars. I don't care what people drive.

Backseat, front seat, on top of the car.

I mean, preferably on Top of the car, me on the hood. He's in between my legs. And I mean, look, if we were gonna film it, it would be raining, right?

Of course.

So why not?

Right?

And so he, like, sort of reenacted this for me without the rain.

Did you send him an image or you just wrote down.

I sent him the image and I said, this is on my bucket list or whatever.

Okay. Hi.

So I went to go visit him in the state that he was in, and he took me off the road, off of the freeway, and we drove for a while up this mountain, and we overlooked the city. And he had rented this car, and he said, come on. And then he just put me on.

You know, he was reenacting that moment.

I had no idea.

It's like a dream.

I know. See that? This is why I was stuck, because I would get this all the time, right?

And so that night he said he went up there under the hood.

He had scouted out the location. He had figured out that no one was going to, you know, find us, you know, so it was.

It was hot because you had thought about it, too. So I think it's so interesting what you're saying, because the reason why I want to know about these things is. Is it's hot. No, I think that I'm always telling couples, you know, it's one of the, you know, biggest challenges for. For couples or individual. You'd be sleeping around a lot of people. Doesn't matter. Is that. Is that people? Well, and I want to say women more than men, but women are just not. Sometimes many are not as in touch with what turns them on and what their fantasies are. They don't look, you know, they might look at porn or read erotica at all, and they're just cut off from that. And when you ask them. So a lot of times I say, you know, couples write in, you know, I want to get my partner to try this or that. And I'm like, well, talk to her about what her fancies are. And there's a lot of. Well, she says she doesn't know or she doesn't have a near. She doesn't. So this is such a great. And this is what I try to explain. I'm like, well, watch part. But you're. That's why I'm breaking it down, because I find it so interesting that you actually, at age 40, built it. We took. I was a late bloomer to it. Like, I, you know, didn't masturbate, didn't even know about it. I was in College. I'm like, really? Why? Like, why didn't I get the memo? Yeah, no, but. But I. So it's. You really built it. Like, it can happen at any time. And you can build it and you can just start by, like, looking at, like, this. This turns me on. This doesn't. And it doesn't matter what. And be with someone who is open and isn't judging. Because a lot of people, women and men, are where the partner's gonna judge. So you were this very open heart. Open sexually. Open, you know, person sexually.

I had no choice at the time. I mean, I was just. I was raw anyway. But like, I said, thank God for it, because without porn to show me certain things, I wouldn't have known that they were possible when people did this. And he took me seriously. He didn't make fun of me. He took me seriously and just ran with it. It wasn't like, so do you want to do one of these today? It was, I'm taking charge. We're going to do this. And then he would hide some from me and then surprise me with it. I mean, there's a certain amount of joy that he took in doing that. And I think that had a lot to do with my excitement because we.

Were both getting pleasure.

We were both getting pleasure from it. Even though it was my fantasy, he loved setting it up. Wow, that's.

I love that. That's great too. Buddy's married, but whatever moved on, opened you up and started your whole. Launched your whole career. Who would have thought this is what you'd be doing?

I. It's a. It's a blessing.

You were not in this industry before.

No, I was in the entertainment industry.

Right, okay, got it. Exactly. So this is so much more fun, right? I guess I kind of do both, but. So that's. That's really cool. So then you. Okay, so you opened up. So what now? Did it ever get pushed to the point where you're like, I can't believe, like, after a few years down the road, were you doing, like, what was the most. You know, what was something that really, when you look back at that, that you learned or that you tried, that just blew your mind? Was there anything that.

I went to a swingers spa, an all nude swingers spa, and I'm like £200. And I sort of agreed to it, like in a weak moment because it sounded good. And then we're driving there with me and this guy, and we get there and I went, oh, oh, oh, I have to take my clothes off. We're in Palm Springs where everybody is tan and has 0% body fat.

Exactly.

Fantastic. Fantastic. I feel great about myself. So what am I gonna do? You know, We've driven two hours up there, it's hotter than hell. And I just, we knock on the door of this weird spa. It was, you know, it was great, but it was weird. And this woman, this gorgeous woman opens the door with a see through sarong and like a belly ring. And then I walk through and everything's sort of fake tropical with plastic palm trees and everyone's naked. And they walk us through and they said, okay, so, you know, you know, it's mandatory. You've got to take your clothes off. Mandatory. Which I think is kind of weird.

Usually it's not mandatory. It's usually not. Right?

Yeah. But again, I would be the odd one out because I'd be the only one clothed. So I'm standing there and there are people's like, there's someone fucking right next to me. I'm getting, someone's getting a blowjob. Other people are just, oh, having a good time eating the famous fried chicken.

Apparently they're famous, but they're all naked.

They're all naked.

Okay.

And so I just, I was, my heart was pounding and I thought I was gonna faint and I went, you know what, I just got to do it. If I don't take my clothes off, this will hold me back for the rest of my life. And no one cares about what I look like here. They're all worried about what they look like or having sex with the next person they're going to have sex with.

Exactly.

So I just whipped off my clothes with my 40 year old body and my fluorescent skin and all of the folds and everything that was there and no one cared less. I still got hit on. People talk to me, you know, I had sex with my, my partner. There it was. I couldn't imagine it being any different. If I had been thinner and if I had not taken my clothes off, I would have stigmatized it and walked away and talked about it about my, with my friends and just said, you know, I'm sure if I'd taken off my clothes, people would have been really, you know, good for you.

That, what an amazing, powerful, powerful lesson that you learned.

I mean, that was huge.

I mean that has got, that's got to be such a turning point for you. So when you, I mean, so many people could never. It sounds like it. I mean, that's such a moving story because we're talking about what makes you nauseous and amazing. Because we are talking a lot about, you know, body image. People think they just can't get over things. They can't. And I think there was that part of it that made you, you were already on your journey, but that really was just like I feel beautiful and I feel accepted and I love myself.

I started from, I'm going to do it because I have nothing to lose and because I should just be able to do it. But see, I could have been skin and bones and I would have felt the same way.

Didn't matter because anyone's gonna be self conscious in that situation. But that's why confidence is the sexiest thing. You had confidence in yourself.

I had confidence in my sexiness.

Your sexiness, exactly. Do you teach that?

Yes, I do teach that.

How do you teach that?

You know, it's a process and it is something that what I tell people is, look, you're not gonna get it solved. Nothing's going to be perfect. You're always going to have something about you you don't like. But the point is, is to have less of that. And when you're being intimate with someone, to really sort of get grounded in that sexiness that's there for everybody. And you start by touching yourself. You start by having a love affair. I know it sounds woo woo, but have a love affair with yourself. Find out how you like to be touched. I didn't know that parts of my body were erogenous zones until I, I touched them and it blew my mind. Give me some inside of my wrists, the back of my knees. I found out I was a full body sensualist. So that is a completely different turnaround for me. Full body sensualist, full body centralists. The way I describe it would be my skin all over. My body is extremely sensitive to touch. So I could conceivably have an orgasm from someone stroking my back or from if it's done the right way and I'm in the right headspace, you know.

It'S not like, not like every time. Right?

Exactly.

Like when I gave you a hug out there, you didn't have an orgasm. I got it.

No, but I could work on it.

That's amazing. So you got, and you got to that with this partner or just touching yourself, Touching myself.

I realized from what I was reading and the way I was responding to my own touch is I was a little bit different than what I was reading about. So I started to look it up and I started to read more books and I was talking to a lot of different people. And they said, ah, you're a full body centralist. I went, oh, there's a term for it. Yes, there is. Okay.

Don't you think a lot of us are full body sensualists and people just don't know because they don't take the time to explore. Not full body, sensational. All I can say is maybe you're not a full body centralist where you're gonna get a back rub and have an orgasm. I'm jealous of you. But I always say you have to spend time exploring your body because we have so many erogenous zones on our body that we don't. Like. You said the wrists are very erogenous. The back of the knees, the neck, the back of the neck, the ears, you know, stomach. I mean, there's so many parts of our body. And I've said, like, what if you find out, you know, like the back of your knee gives you killer, you know, mind blowing multiple orgasms and you just, you never find out. Like you're on your deathbed and someone touches your knee and you're like, God damn it, my whole life I could have been orgasm in my goddamn back of my knees. So. And I tell people this all you have to do the work because there's so many of us, so many people think that their partner is just going to show up and know in their mind readers and they're going to say, oh, it must be the back of your knee day. No, that very often doesn't happen. And even if you already have amazing sex and you can orgasm every which way, there's still more to learn.

That's why mutual masturbation is expansive.

I love mutual masturbation.

I think that is the best invention ever. Mutual masturbation is such an intimate, such an incredibly joining experience for two partners, whether you met them 20 minutes ago or you've known them for 20 years. Because what is more intimate than masturbating something, a solo act with somebody else that you're attracted to. And watching them, I think it's really hot. And they get to know how you like to be touched.

Exactly. It's my top sex thing. Like, if you guys don't, it's great to do when you first start seeing somebody too, because you get that information, that intel. Oh, she rubs her clitoris this way. So next time I'm going down on her or touching her, whatever. I know. Or he likes to stroke his pen and it's hot. It's a twofer.

Yeah. Oh, my God, yes.

Okay. When we Come back. Got a quick word from our sponsors, but we're gonna be talking about, I hear more about your website, like Lady Cheeky and how you came up with that and porn and some other sex tips. So first, a word from our lovely sponsor, Fleshlight. The Fleshlight is the number one sex toy for men and it's a great holiday gift, I gotta say. Who doesn't want a guardian Fleshlight in their stocking? Because a Fleshlight is a male masturbation sleeve. It stimulates the sensations of having sex. Have you used it al masturbation sl?

I have. I think it's a really great tool to masturbate your partner with it. They think it's really, really hot. And then you can fondle the balls, palm the balls while you're. While you're stroking him with a Fleshlight. It's great.

What guy doesn't like, right?

I don't know any guy that doesn't like it.

Guys are like, hey, take your Fleshlight. They love it. Feels amazing. So you can give them a hand job. There's a stamina training unit that helps them last longer. If you're into porn, you got a porn star you like, there might be a mold of her vagina there. A fleshl. They have got it all. And for my very special listeners, they are giving away a free bottle of flesh lube. That's right. It's award winning lube. And you can never be have too much lube. I gotta tell you that. I can never have too much lube. I've got lube bottles strewn across my house and there's never too much. So check out the Fleshlight. Get some flesh lube. Go to fleshlight.com use coupon code emily and get some lube. Get a flashlight.

Have a good time.

So thanks everyone for supporting my sponsors. Okay, Elle, tell me about. Okay, so you're. So how did you so with your blog? Right now with Lady Cheeky.

Mm.

So you have that many followers. Are you updating it every day?

Yeah, just.

Is it just you?

It's just me.

Okay. And how do you find the images? Like, how do you. Is it one a day, two a day? Are you doing.

Sometimes I'll go on a tear and post like 80 in a day. Sometimes I'll just fill up the queue and let it just peter out. No pun intended. And sometimes, you know, I'll just go through it and pick it. It shows up on my dashboard for the Tumblr, you know, operating system. And I follow certain people and unfollow certain People and I just keep the stream something that I like and I just post what I find sexy. Regardless. I'm a CIS straight woman and I post a lot of lesbian porn, some gay porn, as long as there is a connection between the people or it looks really sexy and sometimes some hardcore. Because everyone has moods.

Exactly. So it's kind of like your moods, but as they take you throughout different days, how you're feeling. But I happened upon a lot of amazing oral sex hotness. The way men were touching women's clitoris and going down. I mean, it was friggin hot.

A lot of that I know.

And just all the different images, they're really beautiful. So what makes your Tumblr site different, you think, from like the other erotic Tumblrs out there?

You know, I honestly don't really know. The only thing I can figure out is when I started having people follow me, I think they were also following the love story that was between me and this guy on Twitter. And so they started being interested in that and then I guess they just started sharing photos. I think it's interesting when you look at the demographics of the people that go to that site. It's 50, 50 men and women. And I thought it was really only going to appeal to women, but a lot of the men really like it a lot and they find it a great sort of gateway for porn for their partners, for their wives or their girlfriends or whatever. Oh, my girlfriend will never, never like a porn site. Well, you know what? Show her this. This is actually curated by a woman and by a feminist and they'll look at it. And I've heard stories of people they now, you know, they're going to a sex therapist or now they have sex, or now they do this.

And that's a great gateway. That's a great point because I think that porn is, you know, can be so divisive and a lot of women don't understand their partner's use of porn and it gets very confusing. Does he want me to do all these things? And I often tell couples you should watch together, but they don't know where to start. I mean, I give recommendations, but that is great because it's, you know, you can watch, it's not movie, it's not porn, it's erotic, it's images. So they can start that. That is a great gateway.

And there are.

Yeah, it was a great gateway for me today at lunch, I have to say. So I mean, I think that that's. I just think that couples, you know, there are Just different tools. I mean, I just say, you know, I just.

That's my purpose.

I want to help people. So whatever they can do. I think it's great that you have that site. And I think porn sex toys are great too. Do you use a lot of toys?

I do. I use a lot of toys. What do you do?

What do you love these days?

I heard you talking earlier about, I love the Vesper by Crave. I love Vesper.

Beautiful, right?

Oh, my God.

So it's a gold necklace that you wear around your neck that is a vibrator. But it doesn't look like a vibrator, Jeff.

It looks like a space pen almost. And people think it's this modern art jewelry. And it's a pretty powerful vibrator.

It is powerful. Do you wear it? I wear it all the time. I love it.

I almost wore it tonight.

Yeah, I love it. Okay, so that. Actually, you can get that@goodvibes.com. you know what? Go to my website, click on the Good Vibes banner, and then you'll see it there, I think. But if not. Anyway, it's Crave. It's the Vesper by Crave.

It's the Vesper by CRO.

Anyway, yeah, that's super sexy.

The Tango by We vibe. And they have that new pleasure set. Oh, my God. That and then the New Jimmy Jane.

Rabbit 2. Iconic Rabbit 2.

The Form 2. Oh, no. The Iconic Rabbit 2.

Well, the Form 2 is just like a classic. I love that. Don't even get me started.

It's amazing. It's a great gift, too.

It's an amazing gift. And it's so beautiful. It looks like, you know, a work of art.

Right. You can leave it out. It's very powerful. It's waterproof. You can use it together. You can use it alone.

Oh, I take it every mine I took for four years traveling.

I mean, you can't tell what it is.

You can't tell what it is.

It's one of design work. Anyway, so the form 2 and then. Wait, what did you just say before that?

So it's the new iconic Rabbit 2. Now, their original rabbit was my first sex toy, and I actually had a G spot clitoral orgasm. One of the very few that I've had with that one. And that's a great one, too.

The Jimmy Jane. The real part of the real suspects.

The real suspects, yeah. So this one is new and it's more modern looking. It's quieter, it's rechargeable, it's waterproof, and it's a rabbit. And I just got it in the mail the other day and I just went nuts. I loved it.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

It's really great.

I haven't got one yet. Okay, so I gotta write that down. I have not tried that one yet. What else did you. What else do you think?

I like the Fun Factory. Amarino.

Yes. Do you like the Amarino with the band? That's really cool.

I don't love the band on me.

I don't. Okay, so explain to me. So it's good G spot, right?

It's a good G spot for the way my vagina and vulva is built. It's the perfect length and shape and everything like that. So you've got to find a vibrator, a rabbit that will fit you because.

There'S so many different. I love the Fifi Jeju Fifi. That's a great rabbit vibe. These are all like. These are all good, great G spot vibes. Like a rabbit vibrator has clitoral stimulation and G spot stimulation. So that's awesome. Okay, so porn, sex toys, you know, it's all good for opening your sex life, for changing your sex life, and for learning your own body so, you know, you can do it by yourself, with. With a partner. It's all good things for holidays, gifts. Give it a little sexy something.

Porn for gifts.

Porn is great for gifts, right?

Oh, my goodness. And there's good feminist porn out there.

What else would you recommend?

I would recommend any of Tristan Taormino's videos.

Yep. She's great.

She's amazing. Everyone's having real orgasms in those.

Exactly.

And they can be hardcore, too. So if you have that sort of taste. There's old time Candida Royale erotica that is just amazing. And vintage. Very, very sort of not soft core because it was done in, you know, the 80s and 70s, but it is just beautiful. And it's, you know, you get to see some penetration.

And also goodvibes.com, good vibes after dark. There's a banner on my site and you can buy minutes and you can see all this great feminist porn erotica. I mean, they have. Have you ever checked out their episode?

Oh, my God, yes.

Amazing. Okay, so I want to go. What were you saying?

No, I was just gonna say anything by James Dean. There's a reason why he's very popular.

He's amazing. Do you know that I was at his very first. I've only been on one porn set.

Mm.

And it was about eight years ago. No. Yeah. When I first started my show nine years ago, and it was his first porn.

Oh, my God.

And I didn't find that out until like a few months ago when I saw my friend, San Francisco. He's like, do you remember that porn? He's like, yeah, it was James Dean. I'm like, that was James Dean. I mean, I didn't remember.

Yeah.

And what was the scenario? What was it? What was the scenario?

It was. I don't even know if it was ever. It was a medical thing. It was living on her fantasies. So it was like a medicine. She was in a, you know, like a hospital bed. He was the doc, you know, the whole medical, medical play.

Was he giving her an exam?

Yeah, exactly. He's giving her exam. It's kind of cliche. And it was like she wanted all these fantasies fulfilled. And he was doing. It was in San Francisco. And I just started. You know what's funny? It's actually on my YouTube channel. But I don't think he's. He's not in it because I interviewed the women. Anyway. James Dean's amazing.

James Dean.

I just learned that I was there, which is a big moment. And I didn't know. Okay, so let's go back to. We talked about women who are struggling with somebody. What about men? What advice do you have for men?

Gosh, there are more men these days that have issues with their body than there has been before. I mean, we all see about 3,000 images from advertising a day. 3,000. And so that's got to affect us on some level. And for men, I think right now it's men that have hairless chests or they wax. They can't have hair on their back or on their butt or they are unattractive. Men with pot bellies, men with average sized penises. Instead of.

I feel like men have, like, I say dick morphia now. It's like body dick morphia. They're like, oh, my penis isn't that big. It should be bigger. You know, every guy. And it's a problem. I mean, it's always been a thing about their penis size, but now with porn, like everywhere people are, yeah, this is what men. So how do you teach men then? It's a little different than women.

It's a little different than women. But with men, it's the same sort of premise of getting interested in your own sexuality and feeling your sexiness. Because really, unless there is something, you know, physically wrong with you or physically that needs to be, you know, for functioning. Yeah, there you Go. Thank you. Like Peyronis or something like that.

You.

Should not have a problem satisfying your partner. I've been with men who are well endowed and men who are average and I've had great sex with both.

Exactly.

And it has everything to do with the man's attitude and also just how.

He moves, exactly how he moves and how much, how he pays attention. And if he asks questions or you tell, you let him know what you like.

And it's true.

And so what everyone's worrying about. And the problem is when you have these body images issues and they're taking over your sex life, you can't be focusing on your partner or even your enjoyment because you're in your head the whole time. And when you're in your head, even if it's not body image and you're thinking about the fact that you didn't, you know, pick up the dry cleaning or finish this thing for work, you're not gonna have the best sex in your life because you're not in your body, which is what it has to be about. So, you know, this is another reason why you gotta, you know, you, I always say, you know, confidence is the sexiest thing, but like, how do you really learn it? And you know, you could take one al's courses, you could go to Therap. You gotta just start loving your body. For men, same thing. Spend time alone, like learn other things.

And what makes you feel sexy. There was a man that I met who had trouble meeting women and you know, so just don't even get to the sex part and said, well, what makes you feel like a man? You know, what he believes is a man. Who do you look at? Who do you idolize? Who do you model yourself after? And really what it came down to was he was looking at these sort of these men who were really confident and really suave and really able to get the women. And so what we talked about is what would that look like for him to be, can we call it being a gentleman? Can we call it being.

You know, ultra respectful? Or how does he change the way he treats women to make himself feel good and also make the woman feel good as well. And I think part of that comes from opening yourself up just a little bit. Just a little bit. Age steps.

It's not going to happen overnight.

It's not going to happen overnight. And everyone's scared. Everyone's scared.

Exactly.

Everyone is.

Everyone is scared. And there's a lot of, I mean, I hear from those guys too, they can't even get to the point of asking. Of approaching anyone.

No.

And it's, you know. Yeah. Working on your confidence and, you know, thinking about also channeling. Like, you know, if you think about. If you are someone who has a hard time approaching women, like, when you're most. When do you feel you're most confident? Is it when you're with your friends or your family or the office? Like, how can you. Because there are times where we all feel really good about ourselves sometimes when we all just don't feel great. So you got to go to those places where you excel, and how can you channel that into how you approach sex and how you approach your partner? And.

So I have a question for you. So I know that you have a film that you're working on right now.

Oh, it's coming out.

Okay. Okay, so tell me all about this film.

This is a documentary, Inside Her Sex. Inside her sex by Shona MacDonald. And the CBC, which is sort of like Canadian PBS.

They are putting it on their documentary channel. They commissioned it. Thank you. I was just followed around by her for a couple of years, and she followed Candida Royale around and this fantastic writer named Samantha Allen, who's transgender, and we talk all about shame and female sexuality, and it's just the right length, you know?

What is it, like, 54 minutes for PBS? It's a little bit older now. I had to film years ago.

But it's a really important film because. Because who talks? Female sexuality is so wrapped in shame. So you have someone like me who didn't really do anything till she was about 40. You have Candida Royale, who is a pornographer and a feminist. And then you have Samantha Allen on.

The show if you want to hear her interview.

Yeah, yeah. Catalyst. Right. And Samantha Allen, who is a transgender woman. So what is more shameful than being born in the wrong body? You just. You look at yourself and you say, oh, my God, this is not who I am. So it's from three different aspects, and it really affects everybody. It affects the world in a way, if you think about it. I mean, you know, because you. You work in the sex field, so.

So the message to take. When people understand more about female sexuality and being.

Yes. Hopefully they'll see. They'll see themselves in one of us and be able to see that they. That they can also maybe make a step or something will resonate with them, or they'll want to read a book or they'll want to, you know, explore a little something.

Okay, cool. That's. I mean, that's what it's all about. Because I just don't understand why people settle for the same kind of sex over and over again. Same sex life. And you're. I mean, I loved. I love your story. It's very inspiring. Inspiring.

Thank you.

And now who knows what's gonna come next, right? You just keep growing. That's the thing about sex. That's expanding, and it's. Yeah, I'm sure you're not done. So what's. What's your next venture that you're gonna take on sexually?

I've been very interested in loneliness lately.

Oh, tell me about that.

Loneliness and its effect on sex and your sexuality. I think loneliness is. There's even more shame about loneliness than there is about sex. I think if I were to say to you, emily, I'm really lonely, I think that people would shudder and just go, oh, did she just say that? But I can say the word cunt, and people will just go, oh, wait.

So you mean are you in a phase right now where you're feeling lonely or you're lonely?

Okay, I'm exploring it, because I am. I was, for a very long time, was not interested in being partnered with anybody. And just recently, I've been feeling lonely. Like, okay, well, we can live in different places, but I'd like a boyfriend.

I kind of like that pendulum swing.

So you were married?

I was married. And then I overcorrected.

Right, exactly.

Overcorrected.

I always say that. That's so true. I do the same. You go, phone, and now you want to go towards the center. Now I'm a boyfriend.

Yeah. And so I'm looking at it a lot because.

It'S so profound, and there is so much shame for me. I mean, I'm embarrassed even saying it, really. But how?

But I wonder. I don't know. I think it's important for everyone to experience loneliness.

Oh, gosh.

I think everyone does. I don't know if everyone does. I think a lot of people or people can be lonely in relationships too.

Oh. Yeah.

Actually, I know a lot of people who are. But, you know, I didn't experience it until recently, actually. Yeah. Moving to a new city, like, I finally felt. And I remember a therapist told me years ago, like, I don't remember. I was maybe in my early 20s. I've been therapy forever. But he said something. Not lately. I need to go back. He said something like, you need to be lonely. You need to experience loneliness. I thought, why? You know, because I'm always busy and going and dating, you know, and stuff going on and it was. It was really interesting because a lot of us keep ourselves so busy. What'd you say?

You took the ball and ran with that one.

Being lonely.

Yeah.

You're like, all right, I've been lonely.

Like, for five minutes in the last 15 months. What do you mean?

I don't know. I just always hear you talking about how much you like to just get, like, hotels by yourself.

Oh, no, I love being alone. I traveled around the world for a year by myself. I did not get lonely. I don't get lonely at all. But I think it's because I moved to a new city. I was in San Francisco for 20 years and I had my friends. I went to Beauty, and then I moved to a new city. And I don't know. You just make friends like that.

Oh, my God. Yes.

And so that's what I miss, my community.

It's the intimacy.

And the intimacy. It's missing people who know me. People know you.

And you can relax with them and you can tell them anything.

Exactly.

And it's different when you're on the phone than when you are in person.

Exactly. Totally different. Okay. Elle Chase, thank you so much for being on the show. You're awesome. This is great. Check it out@elchase.com youm can also find out more about her on my website.

Thanks, everyone. Check me out on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. And I love you. Thanks so much for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

Okay, everyone, thank you so much for listening to the show. And as we talked about all the great toys we talked about, you can find on my website. Go to stackswithemily.com Click on the Good vibes banner. Use coupon code Emily. You get oh, Gvmily 20 and you get 20% off. And you know what? Get them a little sexy something to share. It's the holidays, you know, get them the iPhone, whatever else they want, but put a little spark back, you know, for your friends, for your lovers, something sexy. So check out goodvibes.com and get some sexy things. Also.

One in three men suffers from premature ejaculation or they just don't last long enough in bed for you. There's an orgasm gap between men and women. There just is. It exists in the world and promescent. Thousands of urologists are recommending it. It helps you last twice as long. It's the only FDA approved treatment for premature. Premature ejaculation or just for lasting longer. Go to promescent to find out more. That's promescent P-O-M-E-S-E-N-T.com thanks everyone for listening.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low.

On one of the most vital minerals.

For human health health magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which.

Absolutely supports a healthier sex life.

Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive of magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualia life.com sex with Emily for 50% off and here's a bonus use the code code Sex with Emily for an additional 15 off your order. That's Q-U a L I a life.com sex with Emily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.