Flirty, Squirty, And Thriving

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you Kidding me. Oh, my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. I hope you guys enjoy this podcast. It was recorded during a live show I did in San Francisco, interviewing my friend and colleague, Dr. Nikki Goldstein, about her honest and frank book, Single But Dating. I mean, let's start with the word single. And we talk about it like, why does it get such a bad rap? And how can we actually enjoy being single? Because, you know, life's a journey. Why not enjoy the process? Why not be a more mindful dater and really use the time that you're dating to figure out what you like, what you don't like, and getting to know yourself rather than just trying to have this end goal of locking someone down. Dating and being single can be a very empowering experience. We talk all about that in Nikki's book. I hope you enjoy it. And we'll also be answering your emails at the end of the show. Thanks for listening. Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for your patience. And I am so excited to welcome you all here today tonight. This is really exciting. Thank you to Books, Inc. For having us. First of all, I have a lot of memories, great memories from hanging out at this bookstore when I moved here, like, 30 years ago or something like that. Long time ago. And so thank you. This is Nikki Goldstein, Dr. Nikki Goldstein. And she wrote a fabulous book that we're gonna get into, Single But Dating, which I think she wrote about my life. I never had a name for it. So I'm Emily and I host a podcast called Sex with Emily, and I've been doing it for 12 years. I started here in San Francisco in my living room, just a blocks away. A lot of my people are here. Some people on the first show. Gabe, what's up? And so it's great to come home. I live in LA now, but this will always be my home, Nikki.

And it's where we met.

We did. Oh. So Nikki and I went to sex school, which sounds. Well, I was gonna say it sounds more fun than it was, but it's actually pretty fun.

It was fun. It was hard. And I kind of feel like we shouldn't say the word hard when you say sex, but it wasn't hard.

And if we say it that way, it was not hard enough for me.

Okay. It was challenging on the psychological perspective.

Okay. I'm also gonna. Well, are we recording right now? Because I actually am doing a live podcast, so you guys are part of that which is awesome. You can download it, I think, you know, itunes, wherever, podcasts live. So. And she wrote this book, which we're talking about single dating. And you'll be signing it.

We are signing it and selling it. And all Emily's stories are in there.

No, did you change my name?

It's all this friend of Min. No, there is a lot of personal stories in there, and I think most of the personal stories in there I've probably shared with you previously. So you'll probably read through and go, oh, I know that guy. Or I remember that situation. But I love that you just said, oh, this is my life. Because you and I bonded originally because we lived such similar lives. We rocked up. We were studying sexology, and we just clicked. And I think a lot of that was because we were dating in a very similar way. So that's what's so exciting about this is I know that there are other women out there who are like me, who needed a new label and needed this information and didn't want to be told how to trap a guy and get a husband. And maybe they didn't want a husband or they're still kind of working it all out. And that's why I'm so happy that I get people like yourself, who really are the example of single bit dating, to be able to launch and speak about it and talk about the topics.

Her book, she basically navigates. This is what I wrote, but I'll tell you, because I don't typically read what I write, but this is what I want to explain to you. She navigates the challenge of dating in the modern world by taking away the stage stigma of what it means to be single. It's like, are you single? Yeah, I'm single. Can you fix me up? Is there something wrong? You know? And I, in my brain have always felt like I really like being single. Like, what's. I used to have to kind of, you know, explain it, though, you know, that I. That it wasn't, you know, I feel, like, justified. Like, no, I actually really like it. I mean, I like dating, but I kind of like being single. And now I think there is a lot of information out there about having alternative relationships and stuff like that. But we're also in a bubble here, let's be honest, in San Francisco, and I have people listening all over the world to the podcast. And so, you know, I. What I love is that you. The in your book is that you really talk about dating as sort of as this journey and not a means to an end. And how to make it fun, that dating should be fun, just like everything else we're doing. And you would talk about mindfulness and dating. And so I think it's. It's a great read. It's fun. And you have great fun exercises in the book, and everybody should check it out. So. But I want to know, like, what of all the things that you've studied, all the things we talked about, like, what made you think, God, I've got to write a book. I have to reframe the word single.

Well, it's interesting because you know how Facebook comes up with these amazing memories. So today a memory popped up from three years ago of me being in Vanuatu, and this is actually how it all started, is I went on, I.

Never understand how Australia, Vanuatu.

I have to actually change sometimes the words that I say for Emily because she doesn't understand Australian.

It's been going on forever, but it's been.

It's a battle. But I was in Vanuatu, and I was in the midst of my single bird dating years, and I was getting very frustrated because people would say to me, are you in a relationship? And I didn't know how to answer that. I'd say no. And then they would give me this look of pity or, like, wanting to set me up. And I'm thinking, hang on, I'm dating. I may have had some crazy sexual experiences last night. Like, don't pity me. I'm having a lot of fun. And there was no label for it. So I knew that there was a need to write a book. But I was literally sitting under a tree in Vanuatu on what I call a rovation. My brother's a rower, and he takes me sometimes traveling when he competes. And it's very boring. If anyone's a rower, I'm sorry, but seven hours under a tree with no laptop. I came up with this concept of single. But dating much motivated from this idea of. I didn't feel like I had a label, and I felt like. And I don't know if when people go to the doctors or something that you have to sign your relationship status off on a list. I was always really frustrated because even now, being in a relationship, I still have to declare that I'm just single. If you have to take it off, you're the married, widowed, divorced, single. And this is all I've got to choose from. Even Facebook. My life isn't complicated.

Right. So you're married, divorce, whatever it is. Complicated, complicated.

It's a lot of fun. I feel like saying, knock, knock, knock, Mark Zuckerberg. Can we please have single but dating as an option?

Yeah, you should, right? I think that, I think that, I think that's.

I'll head over there after we finish this.

No, it's funny because people say to you like, oh, so you're still single, like it's the uncle. While you still married. How's that going for you? Because, you know, half a marriage is ended divorce, and the other half of those people are miserable and then the 25% are cheating. I don't know, but that's dark.

A lot of people are happy, envious of my life.

But I was gonna say there's this grass is always greener thing too, that we're always like, we're rushing to this finish line that we think is marriage. And then I'm not saying that marriage can't be fulfilled.

That make us happy and fulfilled. I went back to my 10 year high school reunion a few years ago, and for some reason I had always had it in my head that when I was going to go back, I would be married with the bun in the oven. I don't know where this came from. I don't remember who said this to me or whether I was just running around school one day and I was like, oh, that's my goal. That's what I want to be. And yet I was going back to my 10 year high school reunion a single sexologist. And I was a little bit nervous because where I'm from, a lot of people have already partnered up and have kids. And that's great if that's your choice. But that wasn't where my life led me. And, and it turned out that everyone was really fascinated with what I was up to. And I was out drinking with some people till 3 o' clock in the morning. And my friends that did have kids that were pregnant were like, oh crap, I gotta go home. And I'm like, okay, bye. So it was that really interesting moment that instead of me feeling like I would rock up and be really scared about being the single girl that, you know, hasn't managed to settle down and have a family instead I had friends that were like, I remember what it was like to be single. And a lot of my friends still to this day, I find, and I've said this in the book, whatever they tell me that they miss doing in their single years. And a lot of them are very fulfilled and happy and have these beautiful families, but they're also very stressed and they don't have time for themselves. So they look at my life and they'll go, oh, I miss doing this. One of my best friends said to me, I miss having time to read books. She has two little boys and it's always crazy. So as soon as she said that to me, I started reading more books because I realized one day I might not be able to do this. But while I am single and why I can, I'm going to enjoy it because I might miss it.

Right, That's a good point. So let's talk about. That's what you talk about a lot in single, but dating is about enjoy this journey that you're on. Like there might be no other time like it. If you are, you want to get married, you want to have kids, like, you won't always be dating. And so while you're in it, you know, enjoy it and look at it as a process of getting to know yourself. And you talk about like cultivating confidence, which I always say is the most important thing that you could do truly in your life is to cultivate confidence. But especially like when you're single, there's so many things that can kind of, kind of like bring you down. You're like, I don't have a family. You go to a reunion and you.

Could end up on social media.

Social media, right. Don't do that. Right. No, but, but really, like it's not real. So, but, but a lot of people.

Do look at that and think, I need to live up to this false expectation that's being put out there. And there's so many things in our lives these days that will make us feel crap as women, as men as well. But I think especially as women, when it comes to our confidence, it comes to how we should be living our lives, you only have to turn on a tv. And I do think in America you're much more fortunate than we are in Australia that you do see diversity on TV and you do see women that different groups can identify with. Whereas in Australia, I feel like we're very much attractive young, most of them are blonde. And I think, well, not only do you have to have brains, you've also got to be this mold as well. What do those messages teach young women who want to be journalists and TV hosts? So, you know, you really only have to look around you to think this journey to being a confident dater and being able to go out and deal with rejection and deal with guys that will send you crazy is so difficult because now there's so many fast, sped up messages to tell us that we're.

Not good enough, that's true. And I want you talk a lot about that, about the dating process and how to. How to navigate it, how to negotiate through all these messages we're getting and all the dating apps and all the people coming in and out and how do you. What do you think people are doing wrong and how can they right that with all the options and the fomo? The bigger. The fear of missing out, the bigger, better deal.

Fomosexual. It's interesting because being on this journey and launching the book, a lot of women keep coming up to me and asking me for advice. And the one thing that I've realized that maybe universally that we're doing wrong is that we're not actually having confidence in ourself and our own decisions and using our gut instinct. We're looking for everyone else to give us the answers. And even though I've written a book, which I think is a hold your hand guide, I'm not telling you specifically what to do. I'm helping you to work out what is right for you. You're asking a complete stranger, whilst I can give you great relationship and dating advice in general and empower you to get on your way. I don't know the guy that you're dating. I don't know if he's cheating on you. So it's like having that.

How would you know? You're like, probably a lot of people. What? Are you talking to me? Yeah, you should be sending him a naked photo. Just kidding. Don't. Don't send a naked photo. But we'll get into that because you actually. Okay, so this is how my brain goes. Do you have tips for sending naked photos? I've never sent one.

I'm not totally against it. I'm not totally against it, but don't.

You have, like, some lighting? Don't you have tips? This is like, the superficial part. But don't you guys want to know how to send, like, a good naked photo? Anyone?

Yeah. All right, so I don't even know.

Tell me. It's like, on my bucket list, it's.

All about enticing somebody and potentially the implication of nudity. So I had a situation and I've spoken about this in the book and I'll give you a little bit of insight. So I was dating a guy and I think when you're a sexologist and you probably find this as well, people think they can just tell you whatever and open up. And we're not going to be judgmental. There's another sexologist in the room. Linne. Here, who's nodding ahead and agreeing. People confess all sorts of really weird stuff. So this guy I was dating, just. Sorry, that's right.

We're not.

We're also not judgmental. But he actually opened up his phone.

And you're totally fine.

He opened up his phone and was showing me all these photos that women had sent him. And it was very confronting. As somebody who's been sometimes a bit liberal with that here.

I'm not sending naked photos of yourself.

Well, sending sexy photos. I wouldn't say that I was exactly like, here's my birth canal. But I came across. He had them in folders of names. And I came across a name that. Well, a body that I recognized. And the way that he was speaking about this person, I was like, oh, that's really crass. And I'm not sure I would want someone speaking about me like that. So that was something that really hit home for me. But I thought sexting is part of our culture. It's fun. Sometimes you want to entice somebody. It can turn you on when you send someone a sexy photo and they're like, oh, my God, you look so gorgeous. But I think you have to deal with the idea that it could be there forever and it could be passed around.

So I think, let me say this. I feel like every person I know, man or woman, who gets. If I'm standing next to them, and I don't think it's just because I'm a sexologist. Like, just check this out. So just know if you're sending it, like, someone will probably see it besides the person intended. And if you're cool with that, send away. But, you know, it's like foreplay.

It's like, it is entice them. Like, you know, have a bed sheet that's like that, so it looks that you're set.

But don't show your nipple. Enticing. Don't show legs spread. And not the birth control part of the birth control.

But also too. Even if. Even if this is a trustworthy kind of situation here, at the end of the day, I don't want to know what my Christmas present is before I open it. FYI, I'm still a nice Jewish girl, and I can say, Christmas presents.

I get it.

Same thing. Birthday present. Like, I don't want to know what it is until I get there. There's this excitement when you, you know, you're first with somebody and you're undressing them and you get to see what it's all about. Why would I Want to know that. But I still might want a sexy photo or something to say, hey, you know, this is the way we caught each other in this modern tech world. But let's be realistic with how it should work. Instead of saying, no, no one should do it, why are there not more people saying, okay, do it, but here's maybe some guidelines about what you should consider before you do it.

Okay, things to consider before you send a selfie that's in the naked picture that's in the book. Okay, so let's talk about the. So you do have a lot of exercises in the book about women. Like, I mean, it is for women.

Yes. Well, so funnily enough, though, I have had men read it because they want.

To know, because I hate to say it. Like, I feel like guys could. A lot of guys I know could probably use this book as a tool. But great exercise to think about that. If you are single but dating, and you're trying to figure out, like, you know, why do I keep dating the same people over and over again? Or, like, cause sometimes I feel like we are in this mad frenzy of, like, we're just dating today to rack up the numbers and figure out who we like. But you, you have some tools in here that people can kind of write down. Like, what are my deal breakers? Like, let's talk about that. Like, writing down. Not that you need a list of 85 things, but what are the things that you will handle, you will tolerate? What are the things you won't tolerate? Like, talk about some of those guidelines in the book.

And, well, I found when I first wrote the book, and I want to say pen to paper, but when you write a book, you're on a laptop. So I say manicured finger to key. So when I took my manicure, manicured finger says, yeah, my nails match my book cover. Thank you. I'm all about branding, so love it. When I started, I got a tattooed.

On my ass, single, but dating, just because I love you.

Did you?

Thank you. I love you.

Oh, see, this is a love affair. When I was doing the book, I was very much single but dating. But I was also going through a lot of the advice I was giving, and it was cementing it in my brain. So when I was writing things down, I felt like there was this more connection to how I started thinking about, what's my dating bucket list? Where are my sexual boundaries? Even being a sexologist, these were things that I haven't isolated before. I'd be like, yeah, okay, sometimes I don't like that sometimes I do. But really, for example, an exercise on sexual boundaries, you need to isolate that and work out, well, where does that idea come from? From? Is it because my best friend told me that I shouldn't sleep with a guy until I've had five dates with him? Or is it something that I don't feel comfortable with? And maybe I think if I'm intimate too soon, I can get very attached. Or maybe you're the type of person like, hey, it's all go first up. So you not only need to work out the sexual boundaries, but you need to work out where does this idea come from. And I feel like that's what I've done a lot with these exercises in the book is it's a way to challenge people. Because so much of what we feel is our choice and our ride, and we hear that word choice so much in the age of feminism. It's our choice to do this, to act this, to have this right. But so much of it is influenced by the world around us, whether it's religion, culture, social media. So it's really about isolating our own ideas and thoughts. And sometimes you've got to write that down to challenge it. So then you could go through life and live knowing what you actually want versus what is influenced by something else around you. I felt that even though I was this strong person, sometimes these ideas crept into my mind and. And these sexual boundaries were not my own boundaries that were influenced by girl talk or an article that I'd read in a magazine. Because sometimes you're having a weak moment, you pick up a magazine, you read some advice, and it does hit you in the heart, maybe. Yeah, it's all Emily.

No, we wrote. You wrote, we write some of this advice. But it's true. No, I'm just saying that. Yeah, but when you get clearer on, like, what you truly, truly want and what you're like, bottom line, like, deal breakers or what you require in someone, like, it really does help you kind of narrow out the field and not just let hormones run wild. You know, the difference between, like, being in love and, like, when your hormones are kind of dictating love. What do you think in your book is the most, like, helpful exercise for somebody as far as knowing those boundaries, like, sexually?

Well, I think before you even get to sexual boundaries, know what influences in your life are pulling you down. And this is an exercise that I've put in there, because sexual boundaries is one thing.

You should all do it together and then read it out loud. No, just kidding. I Wouldn't mean to do that.

And everyone tell.

But you are gonna ask questions.

Everyone tell your kinkiest sex story, too.

So fun.

I'll do that with you.

Yeah, I think I know yours.

I think everyone will laugh this. But before you get to that sexual boundaries part, I think you really need to look at what are the things that are making you doubt yourself in your life and isolate those. Are they friends? Are they family? Sometimes. And not going to say that you should get rid of your family, but sometimes you need to challenge the ideas that come in from the circle around you. But sometimes you do need to get out there and you've got to put your phone down. I said this to a bunch of girls last night. They were like, how do I meet men? I'm like, well, for starters, yeah, don't walk around. Don't walk around like this. Because I remember I was somewhere downtown today and everybody was on their phone. Now, I'm the type of person, especially when I travel, I'll always talk to the people next to me. You just never know who you'll meet. But I'm also a chatty person. I'm friendly. I like to talk to people. Put your phone in your pocket, open your eyes and look around and look for things to start conversations. If you're in the lift with someone.

Yeah. What are some of your tips for that? You had some good tips about what in the. People always ask me that too. Like, how should I pick him up? Or what do I say to strike up? And, like, just say hi. Like, really just observe something going on.

Get a dog. This is. Okay, this is what I learned. You should get a dog. I went for a walk the other. Well, I went for a hike. I hike. Well, that's what you do in la, isn't it? You hike. And I took my friend's dog, and lo and behold, I'm halfway up the hill and my dog sniffing the butt of another dog.

And I look up, foreshadowing.

What is it called?

Foreshadowing. Oh, just kidding. I'm not.

You're not gonna foreshadowing. But the guy who was walking the dog just happened to be a very, you know, attractive, eligible guy. And we got talking about dog stuff and then my accent, and then. And I was trying to get away from him after a while. Cause, like, this is a bit awkward, but it just made me realize that you just need to find something to start a conversation with. If I jump in the elevator with someone and someone's got great aftershave or perfume, Even if it's a guy or a girl. Oh, that smells really nice. What is that? So I think if you're looking at doing these conversations with people in your everyday life, start with anybody. Just get into this habit of talking again. I don't think I might meet you on the street and go, oh, my.

God, I love that top.

Where did you get it from? Right?

Exactly.

And you'll talk to me.

How good does that feel? I think that people. Because it looks like yours. We're twins. No, but I do feel like that people, we are losing the art of conversation. That we are on our phones and it's very uncomfortable. And then when people email me or they call into the show and they're like, what do I say? How do I do it? That it, like, dating is a muscle, you know? And if we don't use that muscle, like, if you don't use it, you lose it. If you forget how to talk to people and say hello. So I think you're right. Talk to anybody. Like, just.

Just start practicing those conversations.

We're gonna take some questions from the audience.

Oh, I like that.

How do you go about that? Who's ready for that? We're ready to answer your questions. I'm so excited. Why is it single butt dating and not single and dating?

Cause I feel that single implies that you're on your own. And it's the pity that you get with that term single. You say the word single and people think cats waiting for the phone to ring. So that was my.

Like, I have cats and I'm waiting for the ring. Or I'm a cat.

Well, like, you know, they think the cat lady, single, she's sitting at home, doesn't have anyone in her life. So instead of saying single and dating, I was like, well, but you're dating. It's a statement to say you're not on your own. There's someone else that may be having sex with you or maybe taking up your time or on your Tinder. So that's how I kind of feel. It was anti the opposite to single shaming, if that makes sense.

Single shaming. There is single shaming.

There's a lot of single shaming. Open ears. Have to open your eyes. Especially as a woman, you're told that if you don't have a partner, then you're not. Was that that song? You're no one till somebody loves you? I don't even know.

Anyway, I blocked it. Does anyone. No, I know, but it is. There is sort of stigma, I feel like. And I'VE had to stop explaining or, like, why do you have kids? Like, this was a choice. Like, I, I, I love. I actually dating as a. I get it. I like, I like that you've coined this hashtag single but dating, it's a good term.

Power to pay for it.

Power to it.

Power to it. And is incriminating women.

Yes. So is single but dating a better term for solo polyamory, or do you.

Think it's a different thing? Is single but dating a better term for polyam.

Polyamorous. People who are. What's it called now? There's a new term. I heard of polyamorous, so.

Well, see, if I was. If I was poly, I would say that I was poly, because I think that that's completely different thing than saying that you're single but dating, that describes how you're in a relationship. Whereas I think single but dating is really. I'm exploring, I'm experimenting. I'm finding out my status is single. I'm not actually in a relationship with anybody, but there are people in my life. Whereas I really feel like polyamorous is saying I'm in a relationship with multiple people. So, I mean, this is the interesting thing with labels. And I've also spoken about this in the book. Book. These days, I feel like it's getting so complex with the amount of labels that are available to us.

This was awesome. Nikki. I'm really proud of you and your book. The thing that I love about it is that there is. There is a stigma, I think, or there has been. I think we're gonna eradicate it with your book. But about, like, dating that, I feel like I'm always a pro. In the past, I've been like, yeah, I'm still single. And that does empower women to just kind of, you know, to. To kind of cultivate that confidence, to be okay, that they. That they are single and to kind of, like, own it and to be honest about the relationships and what they're doing. But also, while you're dating, to not feel that. To have mindfulness in dating. Like, I know mindfulness is such a buzzword right now, but the truth is, you can be dating and having fun, like, make dating fun again and not make it, like, this stressful. I gotta find a partner. Make dating fun again. Trump was gonna say that before he.

Did our things, but Emily.

No, but really, like, I feel like for a lot of you, like, oh, I gotta go on a date and tell my whole life story, and I really don't want to do that. It's like you get to choose how you date. And really, if you are. I mean, enjoy. Enjoy the process, enjoy the run. Because it is. It's not like, a means people. Like, it's a means, like, no. What if you're just, like, meeting. I know this might sound cliche, but truly, like. And I. I felt this way that I love dating because I. I just love meeting people. Like, one of my favorite things has always been, like, walking to a room where I don't know anybody. And I feel like dating, anything's possible. We could become friends. We could become lovers. Who knows what's gonna happen? And I. I just, you know, I don't know. Maybe it's a Midwestern thing.

I like people.

But when you're dating, like, think it's an experience. You're going out for someone for an hour, a few hours, and you get to meet someone new and. And just, you know, figure out what you like. And it's a process, and so just enjoy it because, you know, don't. Don't. There's nothing wrong with you. So I love that your book is taking away the stigma and helping women and men get comfortable with where they're at and giving them useful tools for, you know, continuing on their journey. So I love it. Well done. Nikki Goldstein. Check out her book, Single Book Dating. Thank you, everyone, for coming. This is awesome. Books, Inc. San Francisco. My buddies, my friends, thanks for coming.

If you have a question you want me to answer on the show that's amazing, you can now text me your questions. You guys text them. It's so fun. We love it. So easy. You can do it right now because I know your Phone's in your hand. 797979. You have to text Ask Emily one word. A, S, K, E, M, I, L, Y to 797979. How easy is that? You get a little form, you fill it out, send me your question. You can also submit a question from the sexwithemily.com website via the Ask Emily tab, and you can leave me a voicemail. All this information is on the website and include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. I love hearing from you guys. Your questions have been awesome. So thank you. Keep it up. It's amazing. Hello, Emily. I can, and very regularly do masturbate easily to orgasm with the help of sexual pictures or just my imagination. When my girlfriend and I are sexual together and she attempts to get me off, it can take me up to an hour for me to actually orgasm and come. I think it's because I've actually conditioned myself to only orgasm with the feel of my own hand and. Or the fact I'm looking at things which constantly stimulate me to the max when I masturbate. I really don't know why it takes me so long, but maybe you've experienced something similar to this and can advise me on how to improve the situation. I love my girlfriend dearly and feel like I'm abnormal because it takes me so long to climax. What do you think is going on here? Thanks, Chris. 17, United Kingdom okay, Chris, here is the deal. Okay? I'm not really sure. I can't really tell you because I don't. I'm not there in the bedroom with you. There are some things with guys and masturbation where you really just think that you're conditioning yourself and you can't have sex with your partner because you're used to watching porn or used to touching yourself in a certain way. That could be it. But what I'm hearing is this could be a case of delayed ejaculation. Now, there's a lot of guys who are able to easily, you know, ejaculate when they're masturbating, no matter how you're masturbating, no matter what you're looking at, and no matter what techniques. But when it comes down to intercourse or receiving oral sex from a woman just takes a guy a little bit longer. And it can be like 30 minutes or longer to ejaculate. That's what it means. Like, delayed ejaculation means extended period of time for you to reach climax and ejaculate. It can be temporary or it can be a lifelong situation. It can also be, like certain health conditions, you know, but you're young, and I'm sure you're, you know, I'm sure you're healthy. But here's the thing, Chris. You're like a lot of my listeners who email me. We all want to know if we're normal, if what I'm doing is normal, is my partner gonna hate me? And then we, like, make these assumptions about what people think about us, and most time they're not true. Our partners support us and they love us. And I doubt that she's judging you, going, what the hell? What's the deal now? I don't know. Have you talked to her about this? Have you told her, you know what? I love having sex with you, and it takes me a little bit longer. How is that for you? Because then you'll know. Then you'll know what she's thinking. And the truth is, she might be like, you know what? After a while, because here's the thing about it taking a while, it might start to hurt her. It could chafe her. Only she can let you know that. But maybe you can finish off and just masturbate in front of her. Maybe you guys can do mutual masturbation. So I don't. And I don't even want to say that you're necessarily a delayed ejaculator, because I don't know. So I would just have a talk with her, let her know that this is. This just happens to you and it's going to take her a little longer. Is she cool with that? And then also, if you actually think that you've gotten yourself conditioned in a way to orgasm only with your hand or only looking at porn, maybe every time you masturbate or every other time, you can say, you know what? I'm going to try my left hand instead of my right hand, or, I'm not going to watch porn this time and just see how that goes, to kind of mix up your masturbation routine and definitely talk to your girlfriend about it. So, Chris, don't trip on this. I'm sure you're fine. And thank you for emailing. Hi, Emily. I'm a gay woman who can't really get off from vaginal penetration, but I like anal penetration. I've never had a problem with a partner being willing to penetrate me anally. There's often some surprise, but never an issue after that. I'm dating a new woman who's nine years older than me, who's having a harder time than most, wrapping her mind around my request. She says she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't want to hurt me, but I keep telling her I've already done it and I can walk her through it. We've been together for about six months, and I think she's great. I'd hate for this to be the end of our relationship. Can I do anything to reassure her that I'll be okay and even enjoy it? Or is there another way to ask her or reassure her? Thanks, Joanie. 24, Milwaukee. Okay, so here's the thing about anal sex. I mean, I believe you. A lot of women, most. Not most, a lot of women do have pleasure during anal sex. And I also understand that there's a lot of taboos around anal sex. And so if your girlfriend is just like, you want me to penetrate you, like, I think it sounds like you might want her to wear a strap on, and she might just be uncomfortable with that altogether because it can be really daunting, even though you said you're gonna walk her through it. So, I mean, there's so much information out there, you know, God knows you can check out our website. We've got a lot of things about anal sex on there. I've done a lot of podcasts on it. But other than, like, giving her facts to read and to, you know, explore, I'm not sure how else you can convince her, because a strap on can be intimidating, which I totally get. What if you just used, like, a butt plug or your fingers or you showed her that it really is something that brings you pleasure? That might kind of ease her into it, because telling a woman to wear a strap on and do this to you can be very, very intimidating. So I would say just give her some information, give her some reading materials, and then show her that it gives you pleasure. And I think a butt plug more than you can even wear it during intercourse. You can show her how it feels that you go slow, you wear lots of lube, and just let her know that it is a really part of a really healthy sex life. But it just sounds like she might actually need to see it. Like, I'm the kind of person, someone could tell me something, but they need to show me. And so she could, in her head, be saying, I don't really get it. I don't know how you want this, but if you show her and provide her with some materials that she can read or look at, she might be able to understand it, because I want you to have your pleasure. Next thing you know, who knows? Maybe you'll be penetrating her and it'll be just one big, happy relationship. But I think you gotta try some of these things because I'd hate you to go without Joni. I want you to have happy sex. So let me know how it goes. Hi, Emily. I've been listening to your podcast, Binging, actually, because I'm trying to find my sexual confidence and courage. I've been married to the same wonderful man for 16 years, and my lack of confidence in the bedroom has been our only issue. I enjoy sex with my husband, and I'm down for whatever he throws out, but I'm one of those women who doesn't know what I want. After listening, I realize it's because I don't masturbate and never have. I've decided to take your tips and try the road to discovering me. I've ordered Some Joe Lube and the weave. I wish. And I'm ready to set the mood and atmosphere. What type of erotica would you recommend for a beginner? I don't want anything hardcore, but something sensual that can get my mind and my body headed in the right direction. Thank you so much for all your great tips and advice. Thank you. Amanda, 38, Texas. Amanda, my sweetie. This is so good. I'm so happy for you that you are embarking on this journey. You got some Joe Lube. You got the we vibe. Wish. That's gonna be awesome. You're gonna love that. And I think it's great. I mean, a lot of women are in your position, they don't really know what they want. You know, you've been busy having sex with your husband, but not really in the, you know, not really getting. Getting as much out of it as you can. So you're asking about erotica. All right, here's some things I think you might want to check out that could help you. Is Lit Littererotica L I T E R O T I C A dot com. It's free and has a wide variety of genres and fetishes. And you might be able to find something there. I think you will be able to find something that you like also. Rachel Kramer Bustle. K R A M E R Bussell B U S S E L well, we should also put these in the show notes, perhaps that Rachel Kramer Bustle writes amazing erotica. She does anthologies every year, like the Best Erotica of the Year Short stories. One of my personal favorites is the Story of O that's been around for many, many years. It's one of the first books I read, first erotica books. And also there are films. There's the X Confessions by Erica Lust L U S T and then Good Vibes. After Dark has some great selections of porn for couples. And finally, if you just want to hang out, check out some Tumblr porn. Lady Cheeky is a great site. Ladychiki.com, it's like gifs and images that are really. It's female friendly. And I think you're going to find some things in there that are going to do it for you. I think setting the atmosphere, taking time for you with these toys and reading erotica. You're going to figure out what you like, and then maybe you want to have your partner in there bring your husband in and, you know, have them look at some of the things that are turning you on. And you really just need a few kernels to get started. So once you see an image, you're like, oh, wow, that could be really, you know. So don't put too much pressure on yourself. Once you start collecting these little items and stories and things that turn you on, I think you're gonna see your sex life go to the next level. So I'm so glad you've been listening to the show and you're taking it in your own hands. I love it, Amanda. Keep me posted. Thank you for emailing. Dear Emily, My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 12. We have a wonderful marriage and sex life. We have sex three times a week on average. I love when my husband performs oral sex on me. It's a guaranteed orgasm or two. I usually squirt or I think that's what's happening anyway. Lots of clear liquid from my urethra. For a long time. I would always stop him before I came because it felt like I was going to pee. But one day I just let go and it was mind blowing. I know squirting is supposed to be a form of stimulation of the G spot, which is internal, but when I squirt, it is clitoral stimulation by my husband's tongue externally, nothing going on inside. Am I squirting or am I peeing upon orgasm? Can the G spot be stimulated from the outside as well? Neither my husband and I are grossed out by it or anything. It feels amazing for me and he enjoys making me feel pleasure. We just put a towel down and go for it. Thanks, Grace, 33, Kentucky okay, Grace, thank you for your squirting question. We always welcome those here. I know you guys get a lot of questions about squirting. Grace, I'm glad that you are letting it out with your husband. It is true, can be an amazing release for many women to squirt, and it does typically stem from G spot stimulation, but you can actually squirt from just clitoral stimulation. And just so you know, you can externally stimulate the G spot by like pressing down your pubic mound. Or maybe you are contracting your Kegel muscles. A lot of times we, you know, we tense and relax them during orgasm too. So that could also, if your muscles are strong, that could also be a reason why you are squirting. So, you know, whatever it is sounds like the real deal. And also, if you guys are thinking going, isn't squirting peeing? Isn't that what it is? Well, there are traces of urine. It's true. When you squirt. Yes, traces of urine. It's also periorethral fluids as well. It's kind of like prostate fluids, like what the men have. So for women, that's what it can be, but I really don't think that it matters. I hate when people are like, isn't it pee? Who cares if it's pee? What if it's just urine? If it feels really good to you and you're enjoying it, I think that's awesome. And so you're totally squirting. Grace, it sounds like it's me, so let's not trip on it. I love that you're putting a towel down and it makes you feel amazing. And I also love that you've been together for 17 years and you are still exploring and finding amazing things about each other and squirting. I love it. So doing the good work here. Thanks for emailing, Grace. Okay. Hey, Emily. My boyfriend have been on and off for years now, and we're finally in a serious, committed relationship. We always began with tons of passion and this time was no exception. It was the most passionate relationship I've ever experienced. However, within the last month or so, I've noticed the passion is pretty much non existence. We love each other and we love sex together. I've taken him to the toy store to get him a cock ring, new lube, and two new sets of lingerie to spice things up. It was really fun the first night, but we haven't been able to recreate that. I'm someone who craves passion. To me, passion ranges from in the bedroom to random makeouts, ass grabbing, sexy compliments, and so much more. I run out of ideas to restore the passion. Do you have advice for how to start up a conversation without taking things the wrong way? Without him taking things the wrong way? Do you have other ideas about things? We can try as a couple to get our passion back and maintain the passion in our relationship. Thanks, Maggie. 20 organ Maggie. Maggie, you're 20 years old. You've been on and off for years. Right now I'm going to guess maybe he was one of your first sex partners or really your first, you know, intense relationship. I have a lot of advice about couples spicing it up and how to talk to them. So I will give you that advice. And I've talked about this a lot on the show and that is one of my main things, you guys, that communication is a lubrication and you've gotta, you know, learn to talk to your partner about what you want in the bedroom. I understand, Maggie, that you don't want to. You don't want him to be upset about it. So I really think that the best way to do it is like that. That compliment sandwich thing, when you sit down and you're like, God, our sex life is amazing. It was really passionate the other night. God, it was really sexy the way you were wearing that cock ring and the lube. I had 16 orgasms. And what I think would be really hot is if we blank. And you gotta fill in the blank there, Maggie. So maybe it's like, you know, and I really love it when you grab my ass during sex. And I love when you tell me how hot I am. And so it's a matter of just telling him what you like, telling him what you've enjoyed in the past so he's not feeling attacked, and then telling him what you'd like to try in the future. So it's really. It's about your tone and it's about timing. It's not about, we need to talk, right? Like, oh, let's talk. It's a serious conversation. So I would say you don't want to have it in the bedroom, you want to have it outside the bedroom. And you want to make sure it's at a good time. When you guys are relaxed, maybe you're having dinner, maybe you're eating breakfast, maybe you're going on a hike. So it's just like the two of you together and you talk about it. But here's my other concern, is that you're 20 years old and it's been off again on again. It's the most serious relationship you've been in. And you've already gone through this ebbs and flow of having amazing passion and then no passion. And now you have the passion again. And I would say that you're 20 and maybe you're putting a lot of effort into it for a relationship when you're. You're young. And then you also have gone back and forth so many times. If you've just gotten back together, I wouldn't think. And it's only been great one time. I'm just thinking that this might need to be a relationship that you actually put a pause on and get to figure out who Maggie is without being in a relationship and maybe find someone who more, you know, sexually sort of matches you, matches what you want and has that passion because you shouldn't be. You know, sometimes there is one partner that's leading this, but I feel like if he's really not on your side or it keeps waning this early on, and at this age, I feel like you might have to just take a break and find someone who matches your sexual passion, or at least, you know, appreciates it and wants to keep it going as well. So it's not so much work. Especially when you just got back together. You guys, that's the fun part. When you break up and make up, it's great the making up part, but it sounds like you made out once, you made up once and it's still not so great. So Maggie, those are my suggestions. Let me know how it goes. Thank you for emailing me. All right, thanks everyone for emailing me and for being part of the show. I love you all. Thank you for subscribing on itunes and for reviewing the show. We love when you do that. Check out our entire archive of podcasts sexwithemily.com podcasts thank you for shopping with Emily. All the great products I mentioned you can find on the website. And you can also download my Show Now, Everywhere, SoundCloud, Spotify, Google Play and thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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