For the Love (& Crave) of Sex Toys with Ti Chang

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One of the things that warmed my heart is because I also go to schools and I have daughters, sons who say that, you know, I'm gonna buy one for my mom because I honestly don't know if she's ever had an orgasm and I think she needs to have one. And the fact that they're sharing that with me, I'm just like, oh my God. You know, or sometimes like two girls or women will come in and they're looking at this product and one of them will find out that one of them has never owned a vibrator. And they're like, oh my God, then you have to get one now. And then so suddenly she's making her first purchase, you know, in the vibr.

Isn't it amazing when you're like, people are like, oh no. They're like, oh my God. Either you have the friends who are like, oh my God, you have to get one, or they're like the friend who's like, I don't need one. Don't you hear that too?

And you're like yeah. You're like girl, you are the one who needs one.

Exactly. Let me gift you one and then we'll discuss it.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm joined by co founder of Crave T. Chang to talk about designing sex toys and all the benefits of self love. Plus I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include. So what exactly goes into designing a sex toy, Especially one as elegant and discreet as the vesper necklace. How to get people over the stigmas of masturbation and using pleasure products. Because hey, there's no orgasm hierarchy. You're about to be long distance. Is proposing a temporary open relationship really a good idea? And your partner is adamantly against you having toys even for your own enjoyment. What do you do? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Be in bed.

Feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information just check out Sex with Emily across the board on all social media or go to our website sexwithemily.com alright guys, hope you enjoy the show. T. Chang is here. She is the lead designer and co founder of Crave sex toy designer. She is badass ass. Like went to school for it. Was designing like hairbrushes and bikes. Then she's like how about female pleasure? That's something I can get my head around. Let's get women to talk about sex. And it's been so fun because to watch it grow and to watch it be around so many other people's necks, especially this vesper and then working with you and you guys. Oh wait, let me say this. You've got one, not two experts here in sex toys. Okay, so t we. Well first let's talk about this. The process of like. Like you've probably learned so much since you do go out to women and you ask them questions about like what Toys do you want? Like, what have you learned? Was there anything that surprised you in this research about women's sexual desire around toys or in general biggest surprise?

One of the questions we asked them, asked women was, have you ever faked an orgasm? 99.99999999 of women we asked all said yes. And when we said, when we asked them why, number one answer, to get it over with.

Right.

And so, yeah, so we're hearing some really surprising things, I think, when it comes to actual products to support this experience. Now, what I'm going to say, I don't think it is rocket science. I think it is just so simple that I don't know why it hasn't been done. I think sometimes things are just like this. So, for example, you don't want it to make you feel embarrassed. So having a discreet aesthetic is really great. Having no cords. The USB charging is discrete charging. That's super great. Having something that's practical, that's washable, you can take into shower. These are all features that just seem so obvious, but yet was not in a lot of the products.

No, none of their Right. The product for you were like, women, we don't want chargers. We want discreet. We want to be able to wash it. We want it to look great.

Right.

And the way we think about products is not, oh, what are the features we want in there? But it's about the experience. Women want experience that's easy, easy to use. They don't want no hassle. They don't want to feel shame. There's no place for shame or embarrassment when you're using your vibrator. And if there is, there's something wrong with the product because products can really affect how we perceive if this is okay or not and how you feel about this whole experience. So for us, it's about making this into a great experience.

Right. And it really is like, you just. It's still. It's delightful too, because I've gifted so many to friends. Even like all of them. Yeah. Oh, yeah. For years. My friend's like, I still have the one you gave me years ago. Now we have the limited edition one. But they're like, wow. Like, it's exciting. Even. It was just jewelry. People like, this is so beautiful. Like the packaging, the design. And then they're like, oh, wow. It's a. It's just. It's such a thrill to see people's faces and that knowing that all your other products are like that, which is cool for women. But then I want to go back to one thing, I'm talking to T. Chang. She's the co founder of Crave LoveCrate. LoveCrave on Instagram. So now we have one that's a limited edition and our listeners have been loving it. We love it here. Our fans. And it's picking out the phrases, like people. We had to like, decide what people are gonna wanna wear around their neck. Like they're already wearing a vibrator. Like now we're gonna add something to it.

Right?

That's hard.

But do you like ours? I come first.

Yes.

Turn me on. And then I've got meditate, masturbate, manifest. Right.

Love.

People are. I don't know what. I know they've been selling a lot, but I don't know which. I'd love to know which phrases.

I think they're pretty close. I can. Yeah, I can. I can check on, but I think they're all pretty close to each other.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just curious, but that has been. That's been a blast. What is the most like. Okay, so in the Airstream. So she's T. Which I. When I was 25, I went backpacking by myself through Southeast Asia for like a year with a backpack on me because I was trying to, like, find myself and I was just like, you. So you took an Airstream? Yeah, it was like my eat prayer love. But you took an Airstream that was. People could build vibrators across the country, which is just amazing. And so when women come together, I can imagine because I just see them at parties or when I'm out or calling to the show, but they came in and they were like, wow, I wanna.

Yeah, it.

What did they tell you about their sexuality? What did you find out?

So, I mean, like, I mean, honestly, anything goes. I mean, we've. We've had events where we were so swamped. Like, literally it was myself and I had to get someone to help me. And then two women just, like, somehow managed to get through, just threw me a credit card. I was like, just give me whatever you have. And I was just like, oh, my God. Can you be more specific? You know, or. We've had couples that came in and they were really skeptical, like, look, kind of like the. I don't know, just, you know, like, they're probably in their 50s and they look super conservative and they're really quiet when they came into the Airstream. And then suddenly she was like, so these are vibrators? And I'm like, yeah. And she goes, okay, well, I think I'll take One of these. But I want to get something for him. He likes it in the back. Do you have any. Something for the butt, right? And I was like, oh, we don't. But however, we do have this bullet that is, you know, a bullet that goes into, you know, all sorts of plugs. So, yeah, you can use that for, you know, any, you know, anal safe product. And she goes, oh, well, do you sell those? I'm like, no, we don't sell those, but you can find them on Amazon, you know. And she goes, my eyes are bad. Can you help me find it on Amazon? I'm here in the Airstream on her Amazon, helping her to put this in her cart.

Because everyone needs this information, right? I'm doing that at Safeway. Like, I'm like, okay, you need a toy or you need a loop. Yeah, we get it. Like, we. People want to know when they can find it out, but you're in your Airstream or even butt plugs. You changed their life, girl.

And I was just like, do you know what size he is? Because I don't know who Sisi is, but yeah, so you guys should have a conversation about that.

You don't need to talk about it.

Yeah. And then also, like, one of the things that warmed my heart is because I also go to schools and I have daughters, sons, who say that, you know, I'm going to buy one for my mom because I honestly don't know if she's ever had an orgasm. And I think she needs to have one. And the fact that they're sharing that with me, I'm just like, oh, my God. You know, or sometimes, like two girls or, you know, women will come in and they're looking at this product, and one will find out that one of them has never owned a vibrator. And they're like, oh, my God, then you have to get one now. And then, so suddenly, she's making her first purchase.

I mean, isn't it amazing when you're like, people like, oh, no. They're like, oh, my God. You have the friends who are like, oh, my God, you have to get one. Or they're like, the friend who's like, I don't need one. Did you hear that, too? And you're like, yeah.

You're like, girl, you are the one who needs one.

Exactly. Let me gift you one and then we'll discuss it. But, T chang from Crave, I gotta ask you this question. Are you dating right now or single?

I'm dating right now.

You're dating. Okay.

I mean, no, I'm with someone.

Oh, you're with someone?

Yes.

How has it been working in this industry for 10 years being a woman who talks about sex for a living or who's in this industry?

Yeah. I think that experience largely depends on who you're with. So, for example, if I'm gonna be like, I live in San Francis, if I'm going to be in a. I don't know how to borrow a bunch of tech bros, like, that's not going to go well. And oftentimes I'm in that situation, then I just don't even bother saying what I do just because I just don't need it. Because it's like, oh, you do chicks toy, you make dinners. It's like, you know, or then if I'm with a group of empowered women, because there are a lot of these kick ass women in San Francisco, then of course I tell them, you know, and so if there's been times where it's been condescending because I've had a man tell me, like, how did you end up designing sex toys as if, like, I had no other.

Exactly.

I'm like, well, I started the company.

Exactly.

So it's, it's, it. I think there are. People have baggage with it and they project that. But then for me, I just, I think just be. To be in this industry just like yourself, I mean, you just, you just own it and you just have to.

Have a thick skin.

Right.

That's, that's how I feel too. Like, oh, are guys intimidated or is it hard? I'm like, it's not hard because I'm actually weeding out people who can't handle it. Like, Exactly. Yeah. It's a filter. Yeah. They're not, it's not gonna. If it's a problem, we're not gonna meet. It won't be a thing.

Exactly.

Not gonna worry about it.

Yeah. I remember when I was like swiping, thank God I'm not doing that anymore. I've had someone after, you know, we match, they don't even remember what app it was. And then he asked me what I did and I told him because I thought he was, you know, like, of course. Just like, it's like a filter. And he immediately unmatched me. I was like, hey, good. Good to know I didn't have to get dressed up and like, waste two hours of my time.

Didn't have to do my makeup.

Exactly.

Oh, God, I love that we're both all about pleasure. Tell me about your pleasure, man.

So we just launched this pleasure manifesto. So here's the thing, is that, okay, a few days ago, Mashable came out with an article that says, this is the golden age of sex toys and we cannot help but agree. And part of this is that it is like a new revolution that's kind of happening. A sexual revolution, if you want.

Yes, it is.

And with any revolution, you need to manifesto. So this. We created this manifesto for everyone. And it's basically reminding people to own their pleasure. And. And it has, you know, just sayings in there that are short empathy, you know, that basically tells people that, look, this is your pleasure. This is, you know, own it.

It's like something they could get. Or it's a box.

So it's basically a short video that you can listen to. And to me, I like it to think of as my pleasure coach.

Okay.

Like, whenever you think, like, you're not worthy of pleasure or like, you're just, like, not thinking about your own pleasure, listen to this manifesto. It's like this pleasure coach that will just tell you, like, girl, get it, own it.

That's it. I just need that in my head to remind me even it's just encouragement. Where do we find it?

Just go to lovecrave lovecrave.com and you.

Can check out my Vesper also, because people like, what are you talking about? Sexthelmie.com Vesper V, E, S, P R or lovecrave.com to see their whole thing.

Go to our Instagram ovecrave and you'll see it on our IGTV.

Okay, that's awesome. Tea.

Because, I mean, one of the things that we do is that in addition to products is that we believe in letting people know what we believe in. And so that's why we created the Pleasure, the Airstream to drive around the country. We engage with people because sometimes just having products is not enough. You have to engage with them. They have to actually see it.

They have to see it too. That's what I think. I'm like, look at my videos then. Because I feel like people do buy stuff, what I talk about, but go get a look at it. Go into a store. But they often can't. So that's good. You're traveling around the country. Exactly. And we're all wearing it. If you run into us.

Exactly. Cross swords with us.

We will cross swords. Let's cross swords and, like, take a picture at the break. And then we're gonna post it on the Instagra. Well, thank you so much for being here, T. I have to Ask you five questions, I ask all of my guests. Okay, ready? What's your biggest turn on?

Oh.

Biggest turn on. A smart mind.

Biggest turn off.

Close mindedness.

What makes good sex?

Communication.

Something you tell your younger self about sex.

It'll get better.

That's the best thing ever. I hear you. Number one sex.

Next tip, make sure you trust them.

Yeah, all right. I love. Trust is huge. It's been a great, a big theme for me today actually. Thanks for bringing that up, T. Chang. You're awesome. Thank you for what you do. Thank you for gracing us with these beautiful necklaces, but also all the work that you're doing at Lovecrave. And thank you for coming in. All right, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back, we're gonna get into your questions.

Foreign.

I love answering your questions. That's why I exist on the planet. So if you want a question answered, go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form or email me feedbackexwithemily.com all you gotta do is include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool if you change your name. Thanks. Alright, Jamie, you want to read the emails?

Of course. Okay, so this first one comes to us from Tyler, 35, in Wisconsin. Dear Dr. Emily, I have low self esteem as a person. My wife wants me to be more rough and grabby as well as talk dirty to her more. My feeble attempts haven't been enough and it's starting to cause issues. What are some things I can do to help my self esteem and be the person my wife is looking for? Thanks.

All right, Tyler, so here's the thing about self esteem is that it's work, right? And I don't think that we, I think we all have self doubt, negative self talk, think that we can do better. It's part of the human condition. And so what really works on self esteem is to really focus on, you know, your own journey. I always love the idea of doing affirmations, writing down qualities that you, you really like about yourself, having words of affirmation that you say every single day, keeping a journal, going to therapy. If therapy's been a huge factor for me and for many people, just understanding your process, where this negative conditioning comes from and working on being a person that you can feel great about, you know, and I feel like a lot about self esteem. Like I always say, it's an inside job. And I'm sure no matter how Many how much you succeed and your wife tells you you're fabulous or you get a bonus. At work, sometimes we just have that nagging, you know, negative tape. And so I would just say knowing that that's something you want to work on, going easy on yourself, not being so hard on yourself. And again, for me, what's really been helpful is I have affirmations. I meditate, I read them to myself. I have things that I write. And having your voice replacing the negative self tape with positive affirmations really helps in therapy. Also, going back to your wife. So I think here's the thing. If your wife wants you to be more rough or talk dirty to her, you are not alone with feeling. Like, what does she mean? I really want to. To be that man for her. But I've never talked dirty. I've never been rough in bed. So remember, it's okay to ask her. Well, babe, I want to be that great lover to you. Tell me what that looks like. How are you supposed to know, Tyler? So don't let that be another thing that you're beating yourself up for. I would ask her, what does that look like? Maybe you guys could watch some porn together, read some erotica. You know, there's a great new site we love called tryquin.com, q u I N N and it's essentially audio erotica. So I feel like you need to figure out, you know, together, like, what that looks like. And I think once you start to see it, talk about it, listen to it, you'll understand what she means. Also, Tyler, I want you to figure out, what do you want sexually? Now, if you just say, I just want my wife to be happy, I would say go deeper than that. What do you really want? You know, we all have our own needs and desires and that is a journey as well. So rather than just being pleasing your wife, you know, when you guys are going down this journey of getting educated on what fulfilling each other's fantasies look like, I think that's going to be helpful for both of you and especially for you figuring out who is Tyler as a sexual being along with your wife. So that's what's going to be the recipe for success. Thanks, Tyler.

Okay, this next one comes to us from a Sarah, who's 20 in Australia. Hi, Dr. Emily. Soon I'll be going overseas for six months and will not physically see my boyfriend during this time. I'm hoping to purchase my first vibrator for the time that I will be away. Is there a small vibrator that Is travel friendly, quiet and suitable for a first time timer that is on a budget that you would recommend. Additionally, would proposing a temporary open a relationship be a terrible idea? If not, how could I go about it? He has mentioned previously that he would be open to me experimenting with women, which I have never done before. However, I'm not sure how you would feel about this while we are apart and if I were to be with any men. Thanks for any advice.

All right Sarah, thanks for this question. Let me start with the easy answer. Quiet travel size vibrator. I love the bullet from plus one and you can get those online or at Walmart or and it's only $10 and it's a great vibrator. Another thing is Crave. They're a little bit more higher price points but Crave makes vibrators that are also quite indiscreet. And why I love them for travel is because they all are USB rechargeable. So you just plug it. I plug mine into my laptop. So that's what I that those are the quiet vibes I love. And also if you go to our site and you go to the store, you can search on our store, which is a good vibration powered by a good vibrations. You can search by discreet vibrators and those will come up as well. You'll be able to see which ones to pick. And I know that Australia is a very big market right now, really burgeoning growing market in the sex toy space. So you can probably find a lot of toys there. Okay, so you're 20 years old and you're going on a major adventure. So good for you for leaving your town and like leaving your boyfriend and going on a journey. And I have to say I believe that that would be crucial for you to open up the relationship in some capacity while you're gone. Because listen, I know it doesn't you're in love, maybe it's your first relations, but traveling and having adventures really means that you'd want to be open to all experiences. And I think that being really tied to your boyfriend when you're gone would take a lot of like, you know, long distance talking and calls and well, I think that's important. I believe that when you leave a country and you're going on adventure to still have this, you know, person that you got to talk to and check in with might be taking away from some of your adventures. Okay, so whether he's the one you're supposed to be with and spend the rest of your life with, you can figure that out. When you get back. So I'm a huge fan of keeping things open when you go away. Now you're the one leaving. So having this conversation with your boyfriend and saying, you know, I want to be open to women and men when I go, I doubt that he's going to feel that great about it, But I believe that it's an important conversation to have. It's not that you don't love him, but you want to be open to be able to. To have experiences when you're away. Now, as far as the rules around that, you know, I think it's tricky. I think that, you know, maybe he'll say, I want to hear everything that you're doing. And if he is with someone else, maybe you're going to want to hear it. But only you guys will know how that feels. Like if you came home from a night and say, hey, babe, I hooked up with someone, you know, that might not feel great. So maybe you guys, in this scenario, you say, we're both open, and unless we really want to know, we can ask, but don't feel that you have to report back. So. And again, set your own rules and your own boundaries. But I think that having this conversation before you leave is great, or if you leave and realize you want to have it, that's fine too. But I think being open rather than cheating is. Is definitely the better way to go. All right, thank you for your question, and have a good time abroad. Sarah.

I know. I wonder if she's going overseas to America.

She's gonna be in America. Get a lot of toys here. Let us know if you come to town. We got you.

Okay, this last one comes to us from Elizabeth, who is 34 in Texas. Hi, Dr. Emily. What should I do if I want to try sex toys, but my male partner is adamantly against it? He's worried about me enjoying the toys more than him and that I will replace him. He's banned me from having absolutely any toys, but I honestly think it will spruce up our sex life. I masturbate often because my libido is significantly higher than his. He doesn't like me doing that either, but I do because I enjoy it. It should. I respect him and keep away from toys.

Elizabeth. All right, thanks for this question. Listen, I believe that you pleasure is your birthright. It's all of our birthright. We are allowed to masturbate and give ourselves love. And it's a really important part of being a sexually healthy person, whether you're a man or a woman or however you identify we need to keep our pilot light lit and to keep it going. So I understand that he has a lower libido and feels like he can't keep up. And so if for him, a way to keep control is him by saying, oh, I don't want you to do toys, or I don't want you to masturbate, which, honestly, as a sex doctor, I do not advocate for this. I believe that you need to keep your sexual energy going and you need to masturbate as much as you want to. So again, I think he's against it because it's a threat. So I believe that having a really healthy conversation with him, and again, this probably, this has to be an ongoing conversation about your sexual health and how it's really important for you to continue to have, you know, pleasure. You know, not just because he has a little libido, but just because it's important for all women, all men. So I think that, you know, definitely toys are a huge part of it. So many women can only orgasm with toys, which is fine. Remember, there's no, like, hierarchy of, of orgasms. Like, if you have it with your hand or a penis, it's a far superior orgasm for many women. It doesn't even happen that way. Definitely doesn't happen with a penis for most women. But. But I believe that there's a threat here. So if you, you know, wanna stay with your partner, you love your partner, he needs to understand the importance of pleasure and masturbation for being sexually healthy. But what else does he need? Like, if he is a low libido, I believe that's something to look into. Is he depressed? Is he going through a time right now? Where is he taking medications? You know, what can he do for his own sexual health rather than, you know, yelling from the front lines, you shouldn't be masturbating. Like, what is he doing to keep him up? His part of the commitment, even to himself and to you in the relationship. So, and I have to tell you this, there's a lot of couples that. There's a lot of men I hear from who are like, I don't want my partner have toys, or I want to police this. And I'm telling you, once partners start to use toys within their sexual relationship, they seem to be way less intimidated by it. Like, once he sees it, because maybe you could use a toy together. Most couples I find realize, oh, wow, that's really hot. It actually enhances intimacy to bring a toy in the bedroom with your partner. You know, toys can feel great for men too. So I feel like what I'm hearing is he needs a little bit under better understanding of, of women's health and pleasure and, and how toys kind of factor into the mix and by you masturbating often it's better for your mental health, your physical health, your emotional health. And so what I recommend is for many couples to sit down and listen to these podcasts together. It's been really helpful for couples. Maybe if he's a reader you can find some articles that would help him realize that we've got a ton on our website. It's sexwithelmily.com but I don't think that you should feel bad for apologizing for what you desire in the bedroom at all. Okay, thanks for your question, Elizabeth.

If you like the show, I would love if you guys gave us a five star review on iTunes. Even just five stars or, and or write a review. Super helpful for us and for the show and we bring you three podcasts a week and we want to continue doing that. So thank you for your support of the show and for being you and for emailing in and being vulnerable and asking your questions. Thanks to my awesome team. Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Michelle, Heather, Producer Jamie, I love you girl. And Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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