Forget These Myths for Better Sex

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These stereotypes are so deeply baked into our culture. And honestly, like I in the past, I believed many of these things. I was like, he doesn't want sex. Must be my fault. Or why isn't he showing through his pants? And all the things like these are just really harmful. So I want you all to check this and say like, not like just nod and be like, okay, yeah, but really take it in. How are you believing these stereotypes and how is it impacting your relationship right now?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual. So what's a common stereotype you've heard about sex? Maybe it's that guys just want one thing or that once you have kids, say goodbye to your sex life. But not only are those stereotypes tiresome on societal level, they actually hurt your sex life. Why? Well, because if you buy into them, they basically limit your pleasure potential. So on today's show, I reveal the top three sexual stereotypes. Penis owners and vulva owners told me they were tired of and the new truths that are going to empower you in bed. I also give you you quick communication hacks to help you get curious with any partner whether they're long term or brand new so that you can have the sex you actually want. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is at Sex with Emily.

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Stereotype you've heard of when it comes to sex, maybe it's oh, guys always want it more than women or once you hit menopause ladies, it's game over for your sex life. Say goodbye. But here's the thing about stereotypes. Once you start challenging them and digging beneath the surface and seeing like, is this actually true? Your sex life gets way better. Because even though these are big societal cliches, we all hear them and take them in and that creates a lot of defeating assumptions around sex. And by the way, this limits your pleasure. We believe them to be true and it's going to hurt us in the bedroom. So on today's show, I'm going to debunk common stereotypes for vulva owners and penis owners so you can know what's what and have better, hotter sex. So so what I'm going to do is reveal the top three stereotypes vulva owners said they want to challenge Reveal the top three stereotypes penis owners want to challenge and give you communication hacks and other tools to increase your pleasure and start connecting on a deeper level. And I'm also taking some calls about some stereotypes. So let's get into it. These are the top sexual stereotypes for vulva owners that we don't enjoy sex and have low sex drives. The truth is, vulva owners want sex and can even have higher sex drives than their partners. Specifically their partners with a penis. And I'm going to be really honest with you all. When I first started as a sex educator, I literally will never forget the day I learned this wasn't true. It was pretty early on and I was blown away that vulva owners could actually have higher sex drives than penis owners. I believe that trope that women are frigid, we're never in the mood for sex and men have to get their fix and we don't really like sex to the point where I actually believed it. I actually believe this was true. And I was so like Are you guys sure this really isn't true? Like, you know what I mean? Like, when you challenge them, you're like, holy, there's another way. But not only did I learn it, I sort of countless conversations with friends soon after, once I told them what I was doing and what I was studying. And sure enough, I came to find out I had so many female friends that were like, yeah, I want sex way more than my partner. He'd never want sex. That I just found out. Wow. Not only is this true, I started to wonder not to create another stereotype, but do, well, voters actually want more sex and penis owners? No, that's not true either. It's not even split in any way that I can talk about. But what I'm telling you is that we all want sex at different times at different frequencies. No way can you pin heightened sexual desire on one gender. The other problem with this stereotype though, that women have low sex drives is that when a lot of these friends I talk to and listeners, when you get rejected, I'm talking about heterosexual couples here. But when you get rejected by a male partner for wanting sex all the time because of this stereotype, it allows us to feel like we are not desirable, we're not sexy, there's something wrong with us when we believe the stereotype. We think, well, men are made for sex. So if he's rejecting me, there's something seriously wrong with me. And I can't tell you how damaging this is. And again, I haven't heard this as much from penis owners that when their female partner doesn't want sex, it hurts in the same way. So let's just debunk this myth together. And let me tell you this, My dear friend, Dr. Wednesday Martin has an amazing book that y' all should read called Untrue and Untrue offers updated science, science people science on female sexuality. And one of her main points is about monogamy and how it's definitely a tighter shoe for women in the long run than men. Like, women struggle with monogamy in ways that aren't often documented or that we hear about. And I'm not saying that every vulva owner wants to be non monogamous at all. But what I am saying and what Wednesday says in her book is that novelty is a big deal for female sexuality. It really is. Like, we want variety. We want different locations and positions and sometimes we want you to talk dirty and sometimes we want to dress up. We want you to dress up. Like we want to mix it up. It's not that we're naturally less sexual at all. It's just we want some novelty, we want some variety. We want some spontaneity. The latest research does show that in long term monogamous relationships, a women's sex drive tends to taper in years one to four. So bottom line, being sexually bored, not the same thing as being less sexual. Vulva owners are just as sexual as penis owners, but they might need just some more novelty and variety to keep their drive high. And variety doesn't necessarily mean other partners. The last thing I want you to go away with and say, God, everyone wants other. All the vulva owners want other partners. No, I'm just saying you could get variety in a lot of different ways. And, you know, a lot of things I talk about on the show, if you listen, you realize or go to our website, you know, that novelty doesn't have to mean a whole revamp of your sex life. It could literally mean, I got a new lube. We had sex in the living room instead of the bedroom. We talked about our sex life today. That could be the variety I'm talking about. But you might be surprised to learn that many people have sex in the same way, the same time, in the same location, the same position, Doing the same old thing with the same person every single day for their entire relationship. And then they wonder why they no longer are excited for sex. So let's mix it up. All right? The second stereotype about vulva owners, they all want the same thing in bed. You know what? The truth is, we all have unique sexual desires. We're all like snowflakes. And there is this long standing. Do this and make her come mentality, like pickup artist style assumption. Like, if you do this thing with your finger, if you say this thing, she's gonna want more. If you master this one move, she's gonna freak out in bed and crown you her king. None of that is true. And by the way, this is a reminder to anybody with a vulva owner, Just because your last partner wanted something in bed doesn't mean it's gonna work for your current partner. You know, when you went down in your last vulva, maybe she wanted fingers and a mouth and different movements. And then you're with a new part. Do the same thing with the finger in the mouth, and she's like, what the hell are you doing? So this means that we have to pay attention, that every time you're with a new partner, you got to pay attention. You got to ask questions. You got to ask, what do they want? In bed. Because there's no way you're going to learn from past partner. And porn might make you think that every vulva owner wants anal. Anal without lube. Oh, that drives me crazy. Why do they show anal without lube in porn? But anyway, it might make you think that they want anal, that they want to squirt, that they want you to choke them. And if you just master these moves, you are golden with every woman forever. Not the case at all. We do not want the same things in bed. So instead of making an assumption, why not just ask? So what are you into? What's something you'd like to try in bed? Remember, communication is lubrication. I know. I've got a ton of communication tools on my website. In fact, this show could just be called Communication with Emily. Because, yeah, I've got lots of sex tips, but we really also need to communicate. So if you go to sexwithemily.com guides, I give you tools to help you know yourself sexually, know your partner, get ideas for new things to try and ask a partner. Like what new activities do they want to explore? Okay, the third stereotype we hear about, vulva owners. Once you hit menopause, sex won't be as good. Here's truth. Ton of vulva owners say that sex gets better the older they get. Can we just let go of this idea that a woman being past her prime and, you know, she just no longer is sexually viable or can have sex? Like, that's just all untrue. Remember, being fertile is not the same thing as being sexual. You might not be able to have babies once you hit menopause, but it doesn't mean you don't want to have sex. What's happening during menopause is that there are hormones. Our hormones are changing. We have ever changing hormones that are going to impact our ability to feel sexual and to experience pleasure in the same way. But it's all treatable. For example, here's some common menopausal symptoms and how to treat them. I can't talk about menopause enough. I'm just saying. No, we talked about it. It was like whispers. It was like, it doesn't happen. My mom never mentioned it. But now what I love is that we're having so many conversations about it. So any chance I. I really want to give you the right information because I know there's just been this dearth of information for so long. So even if you're not at menopause, you will be. You have vulva, you're going to get there. Maybe your mom or your aunt or your sister, your neighbor needs this information. So just listen up. You might have vaginal dryness, especially if you're going through menopause. But side note, you might have it anyway from other medications you're on or birth control pills and all the things. But let's talk about menopause specifically. Use lube. Use lube all the time. Another common menopausal symptom is the thinning of your vaginal tissues, which means you might have pain, you might have more UTIs, you know, sex resistance, pleasurable. This is all due to low estrogen. And contrary to popular belief the last 20 years, estrogen therapy is very, very helpful for treating these symptoms. And the reason why we didn't talk about for 20 years is because there's a lot of misinformation that hormone replacement therapy was going to cause breast cancer or cancer. And we are finding now that none of that was true and that for many, many, many years before that, women were using estrogen therapy to help them with all of these things. Specifically the pain. Uti, it just helps strengthen your vaginal walls. So, huge fan of estrogen and hormone therapy. Another thing I want to remind you is if you are having lower desire or you're not in the mood for sex, I just want to remind you this goes for everyone, truly. But masturbation, masturbate. Remember that sex begets sex. So if you haven't been having any sex with anyone else and you have been having sex with yourself, well, of course you're not in the mood. The more you do it, the more you remember why you have it. Orgasms are good for you. They boost your mood, they help with blood flow. And masturbation also works your pelvic floor. It keeps the blood flowing to your genitals. And I just want to remind you there are hormone free supplements as well that you can take with sex supportive ingredients. There's just a lot of solutions and, and I'm going to continue to talk about this with you as the months and years go on. All right, don't go away because after the break I'm revealing the sexual stereotypes that penis owners are tired of hearing.

Let's get into it. The top sexual stereotypes for penis owners. Ready? They're tired of hearing that they only care about the sex and they don't care about feelings. Does that relate? Well, here's the truth. Penis owners need emotional connection just as much as vulva owners. Can I hear it for emotional intelligence? Can I hear it for giving penis Owners the right to have feelings and emotions. Let's just get rid of this one once and for all. I heard this one so much on the Twitter thread. Ton of men told me the thing they hated most was being seen as a horrible, horny caveman who didn't care about the cuddles. I literally heard this. You know, they don't care about emotional connection. And there's like, oh, give me my woman. I'm just gonna help her and then leave her on the side of the road. No, this is. This is. This is true. And even in casual sex settings, it's a myth to think that penis owners are simply using you. Yeah, maybe there are some, but I'm telling you, there's vulva owners who might be using you too. So let's not cast stones in any directions, okay? The reason this stereotype is so damaging because it's. It's an extension of that boys will be boys idea. It's just so outdated and so harmful. Penis owners are multi dimensional. And everyone's pleasure potential can get so much better once we stop viewing their sexuality as this purely surface level thing. Like, they'll just stick it in anything. You know, that whole American pie. Whatever. Not true. Does everyone know American pie reference of, like, fucking the pie? All right, cool. Okay, number two stereotype, Men don't have body image issues. Truth. They do. At least some men do. I don't think it's been as commonplace for men to feel safe saying, I don't feel great about my body. So it is incorrect to assume that body image issues are only a female thing. Many penis owners think their bodies have to look a certain way or they have to be a certain height or a certain way. I mean, believe me, they do. These concerns and a lot of penis owners told me that the stereotype that hurt the most was, was this idea that they were supposed to have bulging penises all the time, ready to go, even when they were flaccid. Like, you have to be a shower, not a grower. And by the way, most men are growers, okay? So this whole, like, gotta look at the bulge on their pants and it should be a thing like, this is so harmful. Can you imagine? Like, again, I wanna have a moment for all the penis owners out there. Like, it is not easy. These stereotypes are so deeply baked into our culture. And honestly, like, I, in the past, I believe many of these things. I was like, he doesn't want sex. Must be my fault. Or why isn't he showing through his pants? And all the things like These are just really harmful. So I want you all to check this and say like, not like, just nod and be like, okay, yeah, but really take it in. How are you believing these stereotypes? And how is it impacting your relationship right now? Now listen, in my book Smart Sex, I have a whole section on self acceptance and exercises designed to help you see yourself in a much more positive light. I'll tell you a few of those here. First, learning to accept your body. Stand in the mirror naked and state the things you are grateful for. Like, what do you actually like about your body? It could just be like, I love that I have strong legs that allow me to walk from point A to B. Or I love my cheekbones, I love my lips, I love my hair. Just. We all have things to be grateful for. And even in times of great distress and feeling bad about ourselves, which I. I'm gonna say we all have these challenges from time to time. I don't think anyone gets away from this. If you actually are somebody goes through life and loves everything about you and you have none of these challenges, just email me. I just want. I want to talk to you. I want to do a whole episode with you. I want to hear how you literally love every part of your body. Every piece of hair, every thing, every muscle, every bone, everything. I just want to know. I want to know you. I want to be friends with you. I want to hang out with you. But anyway, we can all find things that we appreciate. Like the fact that I'm just sitting here and I can sit sit up straight and I'm not lying down right now, that I could talk and use my vocal cords and the way that you are able to communicate, I am just super grateful. So it really helps to find those things in yourself that you are grateful for. Especially when you are on a whole body hating or body not loving place. I just ask that we can get to a place of even body neutrality. Being neutral about your body is a great place to start. Now, I also know there are penis owners who would like to change the appearance of their penis. Bottom line is, penis owners enjoy praise and compliments and hearing that you desire them and what you love about them. That took me a while to learn too, because I'm someone who loves praise and compliments. But I was like, well, he's confident, he's got it. He doesn't want to hear it. And in fact, penis owners have to learn to receive compliments too, because I think that we. I think that, I don't know, maybe it's a little Bit easy for vulva owners, but I know you guys need it. I know you do. We want it and it's okay. I want to give you permission if you have a penis, to ask for what you need and praise wise. And I also want to remind you, if you're with a penis owner, they need it too. And who doesn't need a compliment? In fact, I'd love you to give compliment to your partner tonight. Or really anyone. It could be your friend, your partner. Like, when was the last time you gave a genuine compliment to somebody? And the side note is be specific in your compliments rather than you look hot. You could say, like, I really love the way that shirt looks on your sexy body. That color looks great and really brings out your sparkly eyes. So get specific compliments. Really even mean that much more when you can tailor it to the person you're talking to. The last stereotype we're going to retire for penis owners is prostate play is gay. Here's the truth. A gland is a gland, and your prostate does not care what's touching it or who is touching it. If it feels good, that's amazing. And let me tell you what, penis owners have a prostate. Vulva owners do not have a prostate. And it feels amazing when touched. Both men and women share this assumption. They share this assumption that if you want your prostate played with, which is just really sitting there waiting to be touched because it feels so good, it means that you're queer. And I hear it from you. You're saying, does it mean that my partner is gay? You know, I saw him watching porn, or he asked me to penetrate him, or he asked me to use my fingers. Like, is he gay? I'm so worried. I'm going to remind you here. There was a lot that goes into your sexuality and orientation, and one sex act does not dictate that at all. It just means that you're highly educated around sex and pleasure, which I love. So back to the prostate. It is a way for penis owners to have internal orgasms, much like vulva owners and G spot orgasms. And P.S. if I haven't made this clear, prostate orgasms feel incredible. All right, so what can we do to move on from these stereotypes and have better sex? So maybe you're listening and you're thinking, you know, I have heard some of these stereotypes before and assumed they were true, because why wouldn't I? This is what I've rid my whole life. I don't blame you. That's why I was so excited this episode and that's why I'm so grateful that you all chimed in and let me know that, yeah, these are the stereotypes you're tired of, too. But what leads to a better sex life is curiosity. Being nonjudgmental, being open, having difficult conversations or awkward conversations about sex. Because when we get curious, instead of assuming, we open up so much more potential for pleasure. Okay, but how do we do it? How do we express our curiosity? Oh, by learning to be a great communicator. Which, by the way, you might talk a lot and you might feel like you're a great communicator, but you're probably not. It's a learned skill. You have to learn to be a communicator. No one taught you to be a communicator. Maybe you're great parents who modeled this, or great, you've taken some classes on it, but honestly, just there's so many layers to peel back to being a great communicator. And on my website, you will find tools to help you have these conversations with a partner and understand yourself more deeply. Because once we start to understand ourselves, it's all a process. But you'll learn how to be a better communicator. And also, in my book, Smart Sex, there are so many great communication tools. All right, everyone, so remember, have conversations. Do the work when I say the work. Talk to your partner about things, get into therapy, deal with childhood trauma, deal with any drama. But learn how to be a great communicator. Set up weekly conversations with your partner where you talk about things that are difficult. Because if you're not talking about your sex life, I'm gonna go on a limb there and say your sex life isn't the best it can be. So let's talk. Let's lose the stereotypes, and let's find some time to communicate in open, healthy, inclusive way. That's what I'm all about. And that's what I hope you're gonna be about, too.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily Emily. And be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

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