From Quarral-tine to Quaran-team with Jamye Waxman

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For people who are even not with a partner right now and feeling like they have no way of connecting and whatnot, it's really important to think about what's going on. What do I need right now? What is my observation about how I'm feeling and what do I need to change that feeling if it's not working?

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show I'm joined by marriage and sex therapist Jamie Waxman to talk about how partners can connect better while quarantining at home. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include exercises you can do with your partner to help you feel more present and grounded, ways to lessen your porn usage if it's become a problem in your relationship, how to go from a BDSM relationship into a vanilla one, and what to do when your partner's orgasm threshold is putting a damper on your sex life. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

That mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, that feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and you can check out everything we do on social media, which is Sex with Emily. Across the board, we've been doing a lot more content for you these with all these strange times and a lot more lives. So check those out because I just want to be able to answer your questions and help you and be here for you. All right, Intentions with Emily. For each show, set an intention and join me. You can do the same. So basically, when you're listening, think about what I want to get out of listening to this episode. How could it help you? It could be both. My partner and I are having a really hard time at home. We need techniques to keep from irritating each other. My intention for the show is to give you and your partner some tools to keep grounded, irritate each other the least amount possible, and actually improve your communication. All right, guys, enjoy the show. I am here with my very special guest, Jamie Waxman. Jamie's a sex therapist, marriage and family therapist. She's been in industry for over 20 years. You've heard her on the show a bunch. Where can people find you, Jamie? What's the best place to find you right now?

Well, my website is waxmansextherapy.com and on Instagram, I'm sextherapist mom.

Okay, great. And you're taking clients right now. You're still been seeing your clients at home, right?

Yeah. Honestly, telehealth is such a shift in how I've ever done therapy. But what I really like about, like, even this medium, seeing you this way, Emily, is that you can still connect with people. You still get a chance to see their body language and what's going on and talk. And it's not as nice necessarily as being able to connect in person with people all the time, but it's a great alternative.

Well, here's the thing. What's really different about it, like, in a way, being a therapist.

Well, it's interesting because in one way, it's more interesting when you get to see into people's homes, as I imagine some of my clients look at, you know, my office with all of the stuff in it and start to analyze. So you get to see a little bit more how somebody lives. Of course, they can, you know, show you just a corner of their house. The clean corner as well.

Exactly.

But the thing I think I just miss is being able to really see a full body. Like, that's the big difference is you're getting a picture from a certain vantage point, and we plot it so that we look a certain way. And so there's just some of that missing, some of the intimacy that comes by being in a closed space and being able to connect that way. But otherwise, outside of also staring at a screen all day, I think for a lot of people, it's really tiring to stare at a screen all day.

It is.

And, you know, people who are in jobs where they do this, I think a lot more people have empathy now for how exhausted, how exhausting it can be.

It's true, it can be pretty exhausting. But I'm glad that you are here with me and making time, even though you're busy. So how do couples deal with being cooped up together? Like, I just keep thinking about all the couples who had issues before, and they might not have the great communication skills. They might not know about setting boundaries. So what are people. What are you hearing right now, Jamie? What's going on?

Well, I'm hearing all different things. It reminds me of a call I got recently. A couple who, for a long time, their sex life and their marriage has been teetering and hasn't been working for one partner. And now, because they're in quarantine, it's a great time to really figure this out. They're working really well as parents, but they were having a hard time working as a couple in terms of their sex and what they want in the relationship. And they figured, well, we have nowhere to go right now, so let's work through this. So I'm seeing a lot of people who feel really ambitious to work through things. But then I'm also seeing people who are using the financial piece, which makes a lot of sense, as a way to stop working through things, also in the sense like that we can't afford to work on our relationship. And I get that. And I mean, right now, I'm working with people in a very different way than I have before in terms of just even being really flexible with rates and things like that. But you see a lot of people who are thinking like, well, we have to prioritize our lives right now, and so our relationship isn't a priority. Which I think is really insightful into where this is going to go down the road for some of those couples. And then I. Other couples who are just saying to me, like, we still need this every week. We're not having sex, or we're not having the kind of sex we want, or we're not communicating in the ways that we want. And at least we have this hour that's like a safe space where we can do this. So a lot of my clients are still showing up and still doing the work because for them, this was already a lot. For a lot of people, having a place to talk about sex and relationships is a sanctuary space.

Yeah, absolutely. Jane, what do you do for couples, though, that are just saying, we're too distracted. I guess you can't do anything because they're probably not making the appointments. But there's probably. In relationships, I would think, one person who's super stressed out about it, right? Who's maybe more anxious and worried, and then someone else is like, no, let's keep seeing Jamie, or like Waxman, let's keep doing it. Like, do we have to be patient and let them go through their process of anxiety and worry? Or how do you snap people out of it and be like, this is our reality? Like, I.

It's hard, especially when you're really activated and you're in a high anxiety zone. It's very hard to actually come back down and regulate. And you need to use tools to get there. You need to use. If it's the five senses activity, right? Here are five things I can see, four things I can smell, three things I can touch, two things I can hear, and one thing I can taste or whatever.

What are the five senses? What does that do for us? The five sense exercise.

So it takes us out of our anxiety and allows us to get pregnant, present with where we are. We can't say, I'm really anxious and at the same time say, I see a calendar in front of me. Right? We have to stop the thought process from going in order to actually be present with what we're seeing, what we're hearing. So it's a way of grounding and a way of just noticing, okay, here's where I'm actually at right now. And those things that I'm thinking about, because right now it's really hard to not be on your phone online, looking at news, projecting about how long you might be stuck indoors. Right. So there's so much. It's so easy to let our minds get away from us, that I'm looking at ways that I can bring you back into the room and to bring you back into a space where you just notice where you are right now. And that right now, wherever you are is most likely. Okay.

Okay. I like it. Okay, so let's. Let's do it. As I say, let's play the game. Okay.

All right, so let's start. Tell me five things that you can see right now, Emily.

Okay. I see my notebook, my journal. I see a glass of water. I see a lip balm. I see my AirPods and my phone. Is that five?

That's fine. So we'll go into touch. Next of where you are. What are four things that you can touch?

I can touch this closet that I'm using as my desk. I can touch the chair. I can touch my arm.

I can touch the microphone. I can touch my hair. Touch my nose. Great. That might have been six.

That was six. That's great. Okay, what are three things that you can hear?

I hear you.

I can hear the ocean. Aw. I think I hear a lawnmower. Yeah.

And what are two things you can smell right now?

I smell like a musty humidity.

Okay.

I smell an incense that I was lighting earlier. That I lit earlier.

And what about one thing you can touch? Oh, wait, no, we did touch. I'm sorry. We did touch one thing you can taste.

I'm hungry. I'm gonna have a glass of water. Can I taste water?

Yeah, you can taste water.

Oh, that's good water.

So you noticed when you were going through these.

It's funny that you said that, because I actually felt.

Because I always have a little current of anxiety, high energy running through me, and I felt. I feel much more present right now. I feel like much more grounded and slower and.

Much more present with you right now, even though you always make me feel present when I'm with you. So that's really cool. That is an amazing exercise. So we can do that for ourselves.

It's a way to sort of get back control. We have this perception that we have control over many things in our lives that we actually don't necessarily have control over. And this allows us a space where we really can feel as much control in our environment as we are allowed in a moment. So there's so much unknown right now going on. There's so much we don't know about anything in the near future. And this allows us to just get really present in our moment and where we are at.

Okay, that is great advice. So we could even help our partners by doing that exercise with them?

Well, yeah. And want to talk about it from a sexual perspective? You could do that exercise as a sex exercise. Right. Five things I can see right now on my partner or about, like in a sexual environment. Right. I can see how your chest is breathing up and down or you might even be able to feel that. Right. I can see how you're getting hard or you're getting excited, or I can see how you know what you're wearing. Like, there's ways you can use that exercise and just make it all about the sexual and sensual connection.

That is such a. So that would be such an interesting tool, is what you're saying. Is that for people who often ask, like, how do I get out of my head? I'm so worried during sex and worrying about all the things going on. Maybe they could each do that as a grounding exercise before they even have sex.

Yeah. Five things I can see. Yeah. Or five things Touch, you can even start with. And four things I can see those. Those two, I feel like are. And hearing is another one that's pretty easy to access. A lot of taste. Might not be. So I keep it down at the bottom. But yeah, whatever. Whatever order. And as many as you want to identify.

I love this. I wasn't even trying to have sex right now, and I just feel grounded and maybe I could have sex. No. But I feel that is such a great exercise because. Yeah, James, I mean, it is not easy times right now. I think if we didn't experience anxiety now, we are experiencing it right now. So what about some boundary setting right now? Let's talk about that. Because, yeah, like, you're home and you're using the office, but your husband also can use the office. If we didn't have great communication before either about these things. And now our boundaries are becoming really clear, even if we don't have a name for it. So, like, can you give me some examples of what we could do to say, like, I need space. Like, I'm hearing that a lot now.

Like right now, while people are in quarantine. I hear a lot of it's either quarantine or quarantine. Right. So I don't know which. It really depends on which place you're in. But in terms of setting those boundaries.

Quarrel, teen, or quarantine. Genius Love America.

I think it's really important, something that my partner and I are doing every night and partially because we're also parents. So we have to really figure out our schedule and balance. This is. We sit down every evening and we go through our schedule and say, who needs what room, when? And so we know during the day who is. This is the office. And then the other room that we can work in is the living room area. Or we can be with our daughter and be in, you know, doing whatever it is with her. So we are very specific. Here are the hours that I need this room. Here are the hours that I need this room. So we're setting up a schedule the night before for the day of so that we really know where our needs are, and we're talking about it in those terms. So that's been really helpful, is to sit down and say, okay, what do you need to get done tomorrow? What kind of space might you need? And having that conversation. So both people feel entitled to say, I need some space. I would love to be in the bedroom for an hour by myself. Or I think it's also really important, as hard as it is to get outside right now, in some places, especially like New York, this might not work as well. But in places where you can get outside and you can social distance, one person going out and taking a walk for an hour, and the other person having the place to themselves for the hour, or if you have a home, one person being in the backyard and being outside intentionally for an hour. So setting some real space, boundaries is very important right now.

Yeah, that is such a great point, because I feel like the day can just get past you, and you're just constantly every day going, where'd the day go? I was reactive. I was reactive. This happened. That happened, and then you just feel like crap. And this is actually, I think, a great tool we can carry.

And also, I notice, like, I notice I need space. Not you're. You're driving me crazy. Get away from me. There's such a difference in that kind of languaging. Like those we. You've talked about this before, a million times.

I want to do it again, though. Let's do it.

But those statements are so important. I'm noticing my anxiety is getting high. I need some space. I notice that I'm like, I can't stop watching the news. Like, I need to get out of the house or.

Because what we'll do.

And again, not all of those necessarily are examples of boundaries you talk to with your partner. But hopefully most of those Are or for people who are even not with a partner right now and feeling like they have no way of connecting and whatnot, it's really important to think about what's going on. What do I need right now? What is my observation about how I'm feeling and what do I need to change that feeling if it's not working?

God, it's. Why is it so tough to figure out what we need for so many people? We've never even asked ourselves, what do I need?

Well, think about when you're born. Like you get your needs met from somebody else. And for a lot of people, this expectation that our parents are supposed to continue to meet our needs and then our partners continue to meet our needs and we don't even know what our needs are. It's so important. And it comes from sex too, all the time. Right? You see this? I don't know how to have an orgasm. I'm not going to self pleasure. Like I don't want to figure it out for myself. I want somebody else to figure it out for me. Like there's so many examples of us giving up our power to somebody else because the way that they make us feel just feels so much more familiar than it does necessarily healthy.

So what would that I always say, like take the time, masturbate. What are some other things, Jamie, because you also think about this. How do we start if we actually never really thought about our sexual needs? I know that's a very base question. But what like right now we have to.

What I've been giving a lot of my couples who are at home who like I said to them, this is like a great time to really like, this is prioritize sex and sex therapy. Even when you're not seeing me prioritizing your sexual relationship. I think finding and I know you have one of these on your website, finding a yes, no maybe list that really works for you right now. And doing that with your partner is so, so important because we talked about this last time or the time before when I was on your show. Renegotiating your romantic and sexual relationship with your partner is something we need to be doing more often. And a yes, no, maybe list right now would be a great way to sit down with your partner. Each of you do it on your own time or in your own space and then come together to talk about it. You could also do it together, but this gives you a little bit of space away from each other as well. And then come back and join and talk about it. I think a yes or Maybe list the a great place to start.

Yeah, I love that too. Like it just lists all the different sex acts. If you're just joining the show for the first time, it's like it has everything you can imagine. Like, do you like kissing, spanking, dirty talk. And then you each fill it out. Is that a yes, is it a no? Or is it a maybe for you? And then you can come together and see where you meet, where you don't meet, where you can negotiate.

Right. And I love. One of the things I love about the Scarlet Teen yes, no maybe list that has been out forever is that it starts with what you feel about your body. And I had a couple who have been together for 19 years say to me very recently, I didn't know how she felt about her body and certain parts of her body until we really went through this list. I knew I was getting reactions like if I grabbed this space or if I grabbed her boobs or if I like touched her butt. But I didn't really understand her relationship with her body. And so it got them to talk about how they each see their bodies. And that was eye opening for the husband.

That's incredible, Jamie. That makes so much sense. So that's on Scarlatine. Maybe we'll have to mix up our yes, no maybe list or directly.

It starts with a lot more of the basics and a lot of boundary setting stuff actually too, which I really love about that list. It talks about it's okay to touch me without asking. And again, right now in this time, these things are really important to talk about. Is it okay if your partner wants to have sex that they just go for you or like, what. What are the rules there?

What are the rules there? What are. Jamie, this is what's coming up now. Because if couples had desire discrepancy before they were on different pages, they one person had high desire, low desire, it's even more. It's all heightened. It's all heightened right now. And you can't run, you can't hide. So wow. More than ever you have to be like, this is how I want to initiate. This is how I want you to initiate. This is compromise, right? Like having scheduling sex.

And that's I loved Stranger things. To compromise is halfway happy. And I love that term even though it doesn't sound as exciting. But it's true. And I think every. Even when you were talking, what came up for me is it might be interesting to have couples schedule their make their own rules every week. This week, you can touch me whenever you Want I get to say no whenever I want. Right? Next week you don't touch me unless I ask. Right? Like there's ways to really play with this right now and see what actually comes out working for you.

I love this.

By being able to try different things. Nothing is set in stone in this moment. Every day our lives are changing. This is an unprecedented time. So make it an unprecedented time for you to look into your relationships either with yourself or with others. And especially if you live with somebody and your romantic partners like or more than one person in your romantic partners really look into how do we want to play with these boundaries and with our sexual relationship and our intimate and emotional relationship.

Wow, Jamie, this is brilliant. It's kind of like cross training your sex life right now. What about Jamie, you've written a book about masturbation. Let's talk real quickly about different ways, like your best tips for men and for women to mix up their masturbation routine right now. Because I think it's so important.

It is so important. Well, one thing I think again with. With masturbation or self pleasure, whichever you call it, if you have a partner, doing it in front of them and doing it together is always a really interesting way to figure out how somebody is touching themselves and how they like to be touched. But I think in terms of mixing it up, if you've used a vibrator for a really long time, you have the time now maybe to actually experiment with your hands again to let go of that for just a little while or to try a new toy or something different. So I think it's just all about variety. If you have the time right now and you have time for self pleasure, what are some ways that you wanted to try? The click clock always, you know, just is always a good. Understand your clitoris a little bit better if you have one. Understand for if I was a man right now and I hadn't played in my perineum at all, I would definitely be down there looking at different ways to get off. I might even try a toy like a prostate stimulator. But I think it's a lot of it is going to be about. Well, one thing I would say for certain too is if you use a lot of porn to masturbate, now would be a good time to reduce the amount that you're using just because of the concern of how much time we have and the relationship that could develop if porn becomes the only way we masturbate. So I would definitely mix up if we have some visuals going on in There with fantasies.

Well, that's something we're gonna have you back on, Jane very soon. But let's just talk about this. Pornhub is now offering 30 days free of premium, which means that people are getting more porn. They are donating the coronavirus relief. But now everyone has access to this rabbit hole of so much porn. So how do you think porn is? I mean, I see people emailing me, asking questions about this. What do we do now if we really find ourselves going down the rabbit hole? Like, what is one of the first things we can do if we feel like it's becoming a problem, which it can right now more than ever. We're becoming so dependent.

I think if you notice that it's becoming a problem, then it's important to reduce the amount that you're watch. So if you're doing it more than once a day, go down to once a day for now. I'm not trying to make big changes in the beginning, but you're going to. It starts with a harm reduction model. You have to reduce your use.

And so what about that feeling like, oh, Bob, but I can't. How could I ever masturbate without porn? I can't. It's not possible. You call this.

I would even start then by saying, go to some visual images that are not movies. So let's take it down a notch there. Start by just get a picture. And from there, you're going to have to use your mind a little bit in your imagination. Right. Unless you're just staring at the picture and you make no story up of it. So start with going from video to a picture or from video to audio and then to a picture. But I think it's really about if you're noticing that the video is working its way through your day and that all you want to do is sit down in front of a computer and masturbate through with porn. It does. I'm a huge fan of porn. I'm a big advocate for it. And I also think it can be problematic when it's you. When it's the only thing used to engage in sexual relations.

Jaime, I love that idea of just a photo of just a picture. Like, that's okay. You have to go cold completely. Like, I can't look at anything but just a picture. Like they did back in the old days, right? Like Playboy.

An old Playboy or new Playboy or whatever.

Or you partner if you're with somebody or someone. Right. I mean, we all know about that. That is so great. Jamie Waxman, thank you for being Here with me. I love talking to you. I miss seeing you. But I get to, I get to see you here now on the Zoom, which is awesome. People. Where can people find you again?

Tell us waxmansextherapy.com or on Instagram at Sextherapist mom or Facebook at Jamie Waxman. I don't have it all under one, people.

And we have all this, too available wherever Jamie's tagged. And all this on the show notes. But Jamie, you are seeing clients right now, and you can see them telehealth.

I can see people telehealth. I. If I'm seeing you as a therapist, I do have, you do have to be a resident of the state of California. But I also can offer sex coaching because I have a master's in sex education as well. So it really depends on what the. What is going on, people.

As a sex coach. I love this, you guys, one on one. All right, we're going to take a quick break, and when we come back, we're going to get into your email questions.

This is from Penny, 53, in Colorado. Dear Dr. Emily, I love sex, and my husband and I have a pretty good sex life. However, we are newlyweds. One of the reasons my last marriage ended was because he withheld sex from me as punishment. I made the mistake of letting him know how precious and valuable was to me this marriage. We've already begun marriage counseling. Not that anything is wrong, but to start the marriage on the right footing. My withholding sex fear has come up already in this marriage, but I'm so afraid of talking about it because then it can be withheld against me again. During our last counseling session, the counselor told me I was frozen, but actually I was just not speaking about my fear. How do I deal with this? All right, Penny, this is such a great question. First off, congratulations on getting out of a marriage that was not serving you and getting into a healthy one. I also love that you're in therapy before there's a problem. I always encourage you all that the time to get into therapy is when there is not a problem in a relationship. And a lot of therapists, you guys, most of them now are offering online therapy, so video counseling, which if you've ever said you don't have time, you know, you can't get to see a therapist. We could all do it now. And let me tell you something, we're all going through a worldwide trauma, and we need it. But back to Penny. So the only way you're going to get past this trauma is to actually bring it up. Now when we are vulnerable with our partners, we're mutually vulnerable. That fosters a closeness. That's the closeness that we all crave. So what you're going to realize is that you're actually going to be able to go deeper, deeper into your relationship. And then once you lay out this fear in therapy, you'll be able to work with your husband and the counselor to kind of talk about, well, what are the warning signs? Like what was the trigger that came up for you when you felt that maybe sex was going to be withheld from you? Like maybe your partner gave you a weird side eyed look and then you felt, oh no, he's going to start withholding sex. Those are the moments that we want to bring up and therapy because we have to work at rewiring your brain. Now. I love that you're around sex now. I love that your therapist said you were frozen, which means that you might be having some disassociation. The fact that your therapist could see that you felt sort of like you weren't able to speak, he knew that you were withholding something. So I think going into therapy next session and being super honest and saying this, I have to lay out what happened to me will be the best way for you to move forward. And, and I don't think, and I know it's nothing for you to be shameful about, to feel bad about, it's really going to, to help you become closer with your current partner. Thanks for the email, Penny. All right, this is from Emmanuelle31 in Uruguay. Dear Dr. Emily, how can you regain strength to date again after being in a dominant submissive relationship for three years? My girlfriend, I had a 24, 7 BDSM relationship without any doubts. That was the most intense, honest and true relationship. We told everything to each other. And for me, trust is the most important thing. How can I go back to dating normally after I've had this experience? To be clear, I mean, people haven't had these types of relationships. It would take a lot for me to trust someone the way I trusted her. Please help. All right, so what are you talking about, Emmanuel? Thanks for your question. Is that you were in a dom, sub relationship. There was some kind of like, either she was the dom and you were the sub. And it was a really intense relationship. But now what you're doing is you're saying, I want to go to the extreme. How am I going to be, you know, in a, you know what they call it? Vanilla relationship or a straightforward relationship that's just a heterosexual Relationship without any of the kinkiness. And what I'm going to tell you, Emmanuel, is that might not be something that is you want for sure. So I want to check in with you. It sounds like you had a really intense relationship that probably was satisfying on many levels, but with this particular person didn't work. And what I'm sensing here is that there's an extreme reaction you're having. You're saying, well, that relationship didn't work, and now I'm going to swing the pendulum back and have a different kind of relationship completely. And what I would say is that typically doesn't work in any area of our life. To be so extreme and be like, okay, like when someone says, I ate a bunch of junk food and now I'm just going to stop everything today and I'm going to start eating all healthy or I'm going to. You know, it's like the whole cold turkey approach when it comes to sex. It's really challenging because you're really used to a certain kind of pleasure and connection with someone. So I would say, could you moderate it? Could you say, you know what? I don't want to. There's things about my last relationship that did work and didn't work. And this is why I think it's great to journal about your experiences or to write down, like, what worked for me, what didn't work for me in this next relationship. Cause maybe you might not even be ready yet because you're asking me questions about dating normally and how do I trust somebody? And I would say, first you have to trust yourself. And you have to go through the process of learning and unlearning and figuring what you want next. Because if you're still feeling like it's hard to trust that just to me says, you might not be ready. And I would have you really look at this and say, well, what did I like sexually? What don't I want sexually? And that's going to help you, because I feel like your mind is set up right now to kind of do something that you, your whole mind and body might not be on board with. So do some work around this. Therapy would help. Writing it out would be help. So then when you are ready to find your next partner, you know, you'll be able to explain what kind of relationship you're actually looking for. Okay, thanks for your email, Emmanuelle. And you guys can always send your questions to feedbackexwithemily.com all right, this is from Chris 30 in California. Hey, Dr. Emily. I love your show. I'M currently with my girlfriend and we are monogamous. We communicate openly and talk through anything. Whenever we have sex, she highly prefers to orgasm first before we can have penetrative sex. Or he put PIV sex. That's penis and vagina. She can only orgasm biclital stimulation, either through fingering or oral, which I know is very common for most women. I joy turning around with kissing and stimulating her, but on a good day, it takes her 20 minutes to orgasm. We've explored what works for her, what she likes, but a lot of the time I feel kind of worn out or lose my presence with her due to the length of time. I don't want it to be any kind of quid pro quo situation. Do you have any advice on how I can communicate this to her or how I can stimulate her better? Thank you so much. All right, Chris, Now I know that you get that the majority of women require clitoral stimulation. Thank you for your super honest email. Because I know that a lot of people who are with vulva owners probably feel the same way. Like, sometimes it just takes a long time. You want to be a giver, you want her to have her orgasm, but we don't. Let's be honest. We all don't have that much time to have sex all the time. So what I would do is you could have a conversation with her about it outside the bedroom and but find out other creative ways, you know, to actually get her needs met. Now, it can be a lot to go down on her 20 minutes every time. So what works for a lot of people is toys using a lot of lube. Perhaps it's her fingers. Or you guys could turn each other on by watching porn together. You know, maybe there's some other teasing that needs to happen. You know, self touch. Maybe there's some 69ing that goes on. A lot of couples like that. She's going down on you, you're going down on her. So I think that it's just a matter of getting creative with each other and figuring out that there's, you know, other ways that she needs to get there. Now, I understand that she highly prefers to orgasm first. It sounds like you've been great about that. And that is sort of a known trope. She comes first. But just like every relationship deserves compromise, you know, maybe sometimes you want to come first and then she'll come after. So even though that's a rule, if she's guaranteed that maybe she'll come after, perhaps you have your orgasm first and then you'll have more energy after your orgasm to make sure she has yours. So remember, every couple gets to decide their sexual dance. How do you want it to go down? How do you want to make sure that you're both getting your needs met? So really, it's a conversation that you have with her, not during sex, not before sex, you know, outside the bedroom. And just be like, I want to really talk about our sex life. Like, let's figure out some fun ways that we can make sure we're both getting our needs met. Now we all have more time on our hands. Right now. We are all home and quarantined, pretty much. If you're listening to this, you're with your partner. And this is the time that I encourage you all to have these really challenging conversations around sex that you might not be able to have before. Remember, they are outside the bedroom. It's in a way that you both are in it together. You know what? We both want to have great sex. You want to have a great connection. How can we be great lovers to each other? This is the tenor of the conversation. You have it when you're just hanging out and you're getting along and you say, let's talk about our sex life. What can we do to be greatest lovers? Because, listen, you're not a mind reader. You're not supposed to know how to be the best partner to your current partner, because, A, they're always changing and we're always changing. B, maybe you've never talked about it. So since we have more time right now, we all have time to talk about our sex life. There are no more excuses at all. And don't be hard on yourself, but we've got a lot of time. I'm not saying you have to do it today, but looks like we might all be home for a few months. Okay, thanks for your email. Let's talk to Justin, 31, in Illinois. Dear Dr. Emily, what's a good couples toy that each of us can control from long distance so we can masturbate together? Justin, love this question. Because, okay, We Vibe makes all the toys that I talk about a lot. And I've mentioned to you about the We Connect app, which is brilliant. I mean, I think We Connect is such a smart app that actually allows your partner to control the toy from anywhere in the world. We Connect is an app that launches with video, right? So you could see each other. And so what happens is you would have a toy and you'd send your partner a partnered link, and it would say, your lover wants to chat with you. So they open that link and then they're able to control the toy from across the country, you know, in another room, anywhere in the world. And these are with all of their great products. So the We Connect app. So here's some great toys that I think you might like to use. So for men, they have the Vector by We Vibe, is a prostate massager. There's the Verge by We Vibe, which is a vibrating ring that goes around your penis. There's also the Pivot by We Vibe goes around your penis. Then for her, she could use the Rave, which is a G spot stimulator. The Nova, there's a vibrating. There's a butt plug. There's the Moxi, which is a panty Vibe. There is the Jive by We Vibe, which is also wearable. So a lot of their products, if you just go to we vibe.com you can see which ones you use with the We Connect app. And why it's really hot is a lot of us are kind of. A lot of us are online right now anyway, and the only way we can see our partners is through chat. So this way, you're actually looking at each other. You're controlling the toy, she's controlling yours, or maybe you're just controlling hers. You guys get to decide. But it's a brilliant piece of technology. The toys are awesome. You can also use them on your own without anyone else controlling them. So this is the time more than ever to buy a toy. And I love all the We Vibe toys, so check those out. And thanks for your question. This is from Wesley, 34, in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm not sure what to do, and I was wondering if you had any suggestions. Recently, I talked with my fiance about fantasies that we each had for the bedroom. I mentioned I would be into some light bondage, and she completely shot me down, told me she would definitely not be into that. It's still a fantasy of mine and something that I want to at least try. I don't want to force anything on her, but I can't get out of my mind. Do you have ideas or something else I can do? Here's what happens when we mention something to our partner that they might never have thought of or they have an idea about light bondage that really scares them. Wesley, maybe your fiance read Fifty Shades of Gray, and when she heard you say light bondage, she thought you wanted to build some crazy red room of pain and you were going to hurt her and spank her, and she didn't really get what you Meant by light bondage. She didn't realize that sometimes as the receiver, that the receiver is actually in control in these kind of situations. So she's actually receiving pleasure from it. Pleasure and pain, they're very closely linked. And maybe what you had was like a light spanking what you had in mind. Or maybe you just wanted to tie her up, tie her arms back. Maybe you want a blindfold her. So what happens is oftentimes our first reaction when our partner brings up something new they want to try. When we're like threatened by it or we don't understand it, typically our response is, no, absolutely not. The other thing we're thinking is, our sex life isn't great. I'm not a great lover to you, I'm doing something wrong. So no, right? It's no. But the more you can go back to her now and you could say, you know what? I understand that was a no, that's a fantasy of mine. And first off, this is my fantasy that I think would also bring you pleasure. But also I get that maybe it wasn't clear what I was talking about, what I was into. So you could kind of. Maybe there's some porn that depicts what you were thinking about. Maybe you want to walk her through this scenario. But also actually before that, I would ask her. You could say to her, listen, I know I brought this up to you and it was something that didn't really feel comfortable for you, but what I was doing here is I want to really enhance our connection, enhance our intimacy. I want to be able to try something new that we could share together. So maybe we can talk about what your fantasies are. Ask your fantasy, your fiance, what she wants to explore. Because let me tell you something, Wesley, she's your fiance. You haven't walked down the aisle yet, you haven't gotten married yet. And this is the very best time. In fact, I would argue the time before you walk down the aisle to talk about what is she into sexually? What are you both into? Is she in a growth mindset around sex or she just want the status quo? If she's like, nope, I understood exactly what you meant about your fantasy. I know exactly what you're talking about. Our sex life is 100% a okay by me. I never want it to change. This is exactly the kind of sex we're going to have. Conversation closed. Well, then, Wesley, you have something to think about here. You actually have new information about the woman to be your wife. You can decide that, you know, well, maybe we're not on the same page about sex. Or you can continue to say to her, well, you know what? I actually really am somebody who's passionate about sex, and I'm passionate about expanding my sexual repertoire and connection and intimacy. And I've learned by listening to this show called Sex with Emily that there's a lot more to it and that oftentimes couples get kind of bored and they get set in their ways and they no longer talk about sex. They don't want to grow. Couples who've been together for 10, 15, 20, 30 years, I hear them every single night on this show. And I don't want that to be us. And I know right now things are great with us, and we love each other, we're excited about the wedding, but I don't want to be another statistic. And so I would love if we could together, get educated around sex and around intimacy and around what feels good to you and what feels good to me, so we can continue to have, you know, a flourishing relationship in all the ways spiritually, emotionally, physically, and sexually. So I encourage that this would be the kind of conversation you want to have now, because I believe that we don't talk about this stuff nearly enough in all relationships. And remember, if you're in a committed relationship now, we just started dating someone. It is never too late to have this conversation either. You might as well all find out sooner than later that we're on the same sexual page. I know the reason why we don't talk about it is because we don't have a model. We don't really see this anywhere. Our parents didn't talk about it, and our past lovers never said to us, so let's talk about sexual expansion and growth in our relationship. But I'm telling you, it is the only way, by talking about it with your current partner, that you're actually going to be set up for success.

In your future sexual relationship. This I know. Thank you for your email. This is from Jen, 25, in New Jersey. Hi, Dr. Emily. I love your show. Thanks for all your help. I was wondering if you could give some advice on being on top of. I've been with my boyfriend for six years now, and I'm still uncomfortable being on top because I feel like I only know how to do one thing. I'm not super flexible or athletic, and I don't want him to get bored. All right, Jen, thanks for your question. I love these things about rocking. We always call it like, how do you rock? Woman on top? And so it's actually a practice being on top because I could tell you, like, there's a lot of different ways to rock rock.

And oftentimes it's not what we see in porn. Like, we see people like bouncing up and down in porn. And maybe for some women that feels okay. But for the majority of women, we really want to move kind of a back and forth motion where we're kind of grinding on top of our partner because that's how we get maximum clitoral stimulation. So the reason why woman on top is actually a really great position for women is because you have more control over the speed and the angle and the intensity. So it makes it easier to keep it at a rhythm. And so that's what it's doing for you. And like again, your vulva, your clitoris are more accessible. So what you might also want in this position while you're moving back and forth is to also have your partner or yourself be stroking your clitoris or using a toy. So you even have more, you know, more clitoral stimulation.

So I would say what you do is to find what works for you is the next time you're on top, move slowly back and forth. And then there's like a sweet spot. And if you really are paying attention and you're present and you're not worried what your partner thinks, you're not worried if they're going to think it's sexy or does this look good, that's when you find out, oh, wait a minute, let me go back to 6 o' clock or like, however 8 o' clock or you know, all the different, the motions of like, what angle was I at? Where did that feel good? And that's how you'll be able to find the position that actually really works for you, Jen, because you've been with your boyfriend for six years and I would say you absolutely. It's time to figure out what are the other positions that feel good to you.

So there are other hacks to it and I will like some other ways. Let me just give you some other things to do. You could also do cowgirl. Like so cowgirls, when you're on top, you could do reverse cowgirl. You're turned around and you're faced the other way. You can also do it so your legs are wrapped around each other. Like maybe you're sitting up on the bed and you each have your legs wrapped around each other, which, you know, you guys are cross legged and you're sitting on his lap facing him and wrap your legs around. You're like hugging each other for support. You could also have his legs out on the bed and he's sitting up. So it's the same thing as your legs crossed, but his legs are out and yours are still wrapped around him. So he's basically just sticking his legs out. He could have a pillow behind his back and he could sit on the bed with his legs outstretched. And then you're just straddling him, his waist and your feet are on the bed. This position also puts you in control and you have a lot of intimacy as well. So those are just some hacks to it. You can play with it. You could also have him sitting up in your lane down. So, for example, he's sitting on the bed and you're laying on your back with your knees bent. So you're kind of moving back and forth. I don't know if this is going to make sense. So you're sitting on the bed with your legs towards one another. Your arms are back and you're supporting yourselves. Now you're moving together and onto his penis. Your hips will be in between his legs. Your knees are bent and your feet are outside of his hips. So you're flat on the bed and now you're rocking back and forth. So this way you both get to watch all the action. And you could also put your legs over your partner's shoulders, so that could make it easy for him to move in circles. So those are some ways to do it. But what I want here is rather than focusing on how you look in this position or what are some interesting moves, playing around with it in a way that you move slow, you'll be able to find other, like, hotspots and things that feel good to you. So that's what I'm all about. And you don't have to be flexible and you don't have to be athletic. All right, Jen. Thanks for your email and thank you, everybody for listening to the show. I love you all. I hope you're all staying safe. You're taking care of yourself, and I am here for you 24. 7. Truly, now more than ever, we all need more connection. We need more love. We might need more information. How do we stay, you know, how do we keep our moods high during this time? And I will be here for you. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you for listening and supporting our sponsors during this time. They need you. We need you. Thank you for listening and I hope everyone is staying safe. Thank you, everybody for being here and supporting the show. I love you all. Thanks to my awesome team. Ken, Kristin, Alisa, Brian, Robin, Producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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