From Whatever to Best Sex Ever with Courtenay Hameister

I want to also be very clear that I think that films and books have tricked us into believing that you will have an epiphany and your life will change. And what people need to know is that change is frustratingly, unbelievably incremental.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm joined by author Courtney Hameister to talk about her new book, Okay, Fine, Whatever, and how getting over your fears in and out of the bedroom can make for a profusely better life all around. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include how someone who has an anxiety disorder went from being afraid of everything to going to sex parties, dating over 100 people, and even went to a professional cuddler. Why it's okay not to know what you like sexually as long as you start taking steps to get there. What to do when there's a possible four-way in your future. And whether or not online interactive porn is actually cheating. All this and more. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. And we are Sex with Emily across the board. Intentions with Emily. So for each show, let's all start out by setting an intention for the show. And I'm doing it and I encourage you to do the same. So what I mean is like when you're listening right now, you can even stop this after I tell you what it's all about and think about it. What do you want to get out of listening to this episode and how might it help you? It could be like, I have so much anxiety, Emily Morse. How can I not let it ruin my life? Or I've just been dealing with a lot of internal struggles and would love to hear how others got past it on their own. So my intentions for the show is to show you that despite whatever scares you, wherever you're at in your relationship or your sex life, you can always improve. And I also love that Courtney Morse gets into how, you know, it's okay to know what you don't like, because the more you figure out what you don't like, you can actually get to what you do like. So enjoy the show. First, I have to introduce my guest who just came in. She's fondling the lube and the vibrators as guests do.

Yes.

Courtney Harmeister. Her book, Okay, Fine, Whatever: The Year I Went from Being Afraid of Everything to Only Being Afraid of Most Things. Congratulations on your book.

Thank you.

We loved it. And if you want to find it, your links and everything is in our— is on our show notes at sexwithemily.com. Just click on the the link that says show notes. Super easy. Yeah. Courtney, welcome to the show.

Thank you for— thanks for having me.

Okay, so you say that you are a professional nervous person.

Yes. Yeah. An odd way to— yeah, an odd way to sell yourself, I think.

But okay, your book is all about really how you're like, I've been anxious. You actually were diagnosed. Isn't it great when you finally get diagnosis? You're like, oh, I have anxiety. That's why life has been hard.

Exactly. Or that's why for me it was like, it sort of explained my pessimistic outlook. Like I thought for the years, I just thought, oh, I'm such a Debbie Downer. And I'm such an Eeyore. And then I, when I got a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, it was like, oh, this is my pathology. It's not me, you know? And absolutely my pathology has created these neural pathways in my brain that say everything's going to suck. But I didn't do that myself. And so it also made me think, well, maybe that can change because it's not, it's not inherent in my DNA necessarily. Although I guess if it's a pathology, maybe it is.

The thing is it, because I love, well, when we first saw you, when we first were introduced to you, you have your video about your book, your little, it was so great. You're like, there where I was, were you 6 years old or 8? 8 years old. 8 years old on the edge of a diving board, which I could so relate to that. And you're about to jump in the water and you get, you just get scared and all the kids yelling. It's so well done. All the kids are yelling and you're like, well, this is the moment where I decide I do not jump. I don't leap. Yep. I don't take risks. I'm gonna have a seat here. I'm not jumping off the high. So do you actually think that was like the first moment that you remember it? Or do you don't, do you think it was a, because of that moment, like, I think reinforced—

I mean, I think that, I think that I absolutely knew it at that moment. Like, I was like, oh, I'm a scaredy cat, you know. But I'm not sure if there was some moment prior to that. But, but certainly looking back, it's my first memory of just like having the knowledge and doing something that was so clear in terms of what my— what I felt like, uh, my personal knowledge was.

I think we can all just kind of picture like moments, or at least I have, having so much therapy, like, oh, it's because of my parents and all these things. But that's the moment, like, first of all, you remember.

Yeah.

I mean, your book is It's so great because you have this moment and you're like, I'm going to just try everything that scares the shit out of me.

Yes.

Which is so brave. And the things that you do, like, what happened? How did you decide to go on this journey?

Well, it was because I lost something extraordinary. And I think based on what your job is, you can relate to this. But I had hosted a radio variety show in Portland, Oregon. And it was really— I mean, I think it was the coolest job in Portland at the time. It was on NPR affiliates and syndicated, and I got to speak to Carrie Jerry Brownstein and Gus Van Sant and Mike Birbiglia and comics that I so admired and writers and David Rakoff, who's one of my all-time favorite writers, I got to interview. And so—

Livewire.

Yeah, it was called Livewire.

Yeah, no, I think, I mean, it's a pop— Yeah, still.

Yeah, Luke Burbank hosts that now.

Yes, of course. Cheap show.

And so I did that for a while and I did that for 9 years. And every week we had a show, I was also the head writer and what I called my dread ball would arrive on Monday morning. And it would be about golf ball-sized. And then by show day, it was, I was in a hamster ball of anxiety just walking around. And what anxiety does to you is it does create— it's like looking at the world through a piece of glass, a very thick piece of glass, and everything feels muted or like there's static, right? And so you can imagine— think about doing your job that you're doing right now, and when you have anxiety, it's difficult to actually take people in because there's all this static in the way. And so you've got to really listen to people. In order to have a good conversation with them.

Did you feel, though, when you were doing this— because you were great at it. So even though it provided— when you were in the moment, you were able to listen? Or sometimes you felt not as much?

Sometimes not as much. And sometimes I would really stick to my list of questions. And so it didn't make me as great at my job as I could have been, absolutely.

Right. OK. But you lose a job. So then the job—

And I just had a massive 2-day panic attack. And I had to step down. And once that happened, I had a moment where I realized what I'd lost. And as an anxious or neurotic person, and as a person whose self-esteem is periodically in the gutter, you know, being in front of 400 people every couple of weeks applauding you is a great way to fight this.

I think that. Yes! Because I feel like no one's— I know people are listening, but I don't often— I don't see them, I don't meet them, and I want to. I'm going to come see you all this month on tour. That's scary.

Oh yeah.

I mean, like, I don't know people. They say there's listeners, but I don't see them.

Yeah, well, and they always say, like, picture everybody naked, but like, people in Portland wear a lot of fleece and it's impossible. There's so many layers and it's just like, I can't. I have no idea.

So if I had to dress one person with my eyes, it would take 20 minutes.

And it's distracting. It's like, how big is his penis? Right. And so I had lost this thing and it was a thing that made me a writer and it was a thing that made me all these friends. And so I thought, is there a way that I can teach my brain in small ways that everything's going to be okay. So I didn't jump out of planes, right? Um, I was jumping back into the dating pool as well. And so I, I also did dating stuff. So I, I went to a sensory deprivation tank because I'm afraid of the dark and I'm claustrophobic. And I went to a professional cuddler because, um, I'm afraid of talking to strangers. So I—

talk about— I mean, that's what I'd love you to talk about. Like, you were looking to date and then you posted on Facebook and said like, I, hey, if you guys know anybody.

Yeah.

And then you went on all the apps. Like, that is so brave. So which part of it was first? So tell me about one of the, like, I love, because each chapter kind of breaks down one of the things that you, right, you went through.

Yeah. Um, I mean, I think that the, the cuddler was, I mean, when it's, it's so interesting when I, like, I was recently on a podcast with someone who just kind of doesn't like to be touched, and she just said I had to stop reading the chapter. It was so disturbing to me, and I was getting— she was getting an anxiety attack from reading it. And, and for me, I actually adore being touched, and part of the reason that I went to the cuddler was that I thought, am I too needy? Yeah, like, I, I was missing touch for a very long time. Like, I've been heavy my whole adult life, and, and I had the unbelievably fucked up, um, idea that that made me unlovable and that no one would want to touch me because of that. And so I really steer steered clear of relationships for a long time. And so when I did get into one, I mean, I was, I was a gigantic fan of sex, you know, and I mean, I continue to be, right?

I know you also lost your virginity late. Oh yeah, I was 34.

I was 34 years old. And I'm not Mormon, right? I'm not Amish.

It was anxiety. And no one had said to you like, hey, Courtney, maybe this is anxiety. Do you have anything?

I mean, you know what's really interesting is just this, like, the language around anxiety and mental illness in this country, I think, is really, it's inefficient, it's inaccurate, right? So for a long, everyone just, I was neurotic. I was the neurotic friend, you know? And I was absolutely like, when I was with that first boyfriend, my neuroticism really bugged him. I would be really interested to see if, had I been diagnosed, if he would have felt differently about that, right? You know, that I wasn't just like annoyingly neurotic. But there's also this issue of, of saying that I, oh, I'm anxious about this, or I'm depressed, right? There is situational depression and there is clinical depression, and they are very different things. And so that's what's difficult about the language of it. It was really interesting. No one ever really did say, hey, have you thought about going to a therapist? 'Cause it was, in some ways, it was just like, oh, that's kind of cute.

It's your personality, right? They're like, oh, that's just Courtney. She's just neurotic and she gets anxious and nervous and—

And you hide it well. You are, you know, you talking about, you know, I've listened to your podcast. And, and I would never have imagined that you were an anxious person. People who have anxiety hide it really well. It's part of the way that we live in the world and it's all, but it's also part of the reason that I think, um, we just need to talk about anxiety more because if, if everyone was honest about it, then it wouldn't have the stigma that it currently has.

Yeah.

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Uh, I think you're right. Um, I'm talking to Courtney Haumeister. I said that. Yeah. Okay, fine. Whatever. The year I went from being afraid of everything to only being afraid of most things. I love the way you write. I think it's, it's, it's just a great read. You're hilarious. I mean, everyone thinks you're hilarious. And I love that you have a comment from Cheryl Strayed and Chelsea Clinton on your— Chelsea Clinton. I always do that. Every time I talk about Chelsea Handler, I say Chelsea Clinton. I don't know why.

They're so similar.

But so exactly. Because I grew up with the Clintons and I don't know why that's my dominant Chelsea, which is fucking weird.

She's your dominant Chelsea.

But I love Chelsea Handler. Like obsessed. Oh, anyway, that happens. Weird shit comes out of my mouth. I devoured her book.

I interviewed her on her last tour. And I always thought that she was talented and funny, but she was never one of the people that I followed significantly because, to be honest, I thought she was a little mean. And she doesn't like fat people. You know, has never really liked fat people, which is problematic for me. And then she wrote this unbelievable book. Where she is evolving so significantly. And that book is so beautifully written and so funny and so poignant. I mean, I was crying in the car. It's a— and, and it's— I gotta say, I hugely admire what she's doing right now.

Absolutely.

So, and it's so— it's insane to me that she can be so vulnerable right now after— because she was so— she was the opposite of vulnerable.

She was so cold.

And yeah, exactly.

No, it's amazing to watch her. I agree, I agree. I'm like, oh yeah, now we can all kind of relate more when you're honest about what is going on with you, with your struggles. Because I feel like— is that kind of what motivated you to write this book as well? So people kind can learn, you know, feel like I have anxiety and this is okay, and this is how you deal with it. Did it help you all these things? Do you feel like now you are, what do you say, you're a little less afraid?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I either, and I absolutely learned things throughout the year, and I think that one of the big lessons that I learned throughout the year was that, you know, I think that there are all of these books out there that are, you know, that are just sort of all about like, you know, just go for it, lady, you know, go girl or boy or whatever the fuck you are, like just, and it's just And it makes people like me feel like I will never do that because I will never be enthusiastic about anything. Right? It's just not the way that I'm wired. Right? And so, but what's amazing is I did, you know, I went to, you know, build your own burrito night at a sex club. And, you know—

Did you talk about build your own burrito night where they did not have all the fixins?

No, they didn't have tortillas, which is, I'm sorry, it's the anchor of a burrito. Beyond that, you're having beans and rice.

Right. But I love that you went to a sex party, but like, but we're talking about the burrito.

I was very upset.

I understand. No, you're right. And Jamie's obsessed with— she's never been to a sex party, but all she wants to know is what kind of food they serve. I went to one a few weeks ago. There was no— I didn't have sex or food, but she was like, just tell me what kind of food you had. There was like chocolate.

There has to be fuel.

There's got to be sustenance.

I feel that's what I felt like.

I don't know.

But not too much sustenance, right? Because then it's like you have to worry about what position you're in because you've got like a burrito baby.

Mexican food is weird for a sex party, right?

Yeah.

Oh yeah. So Okay, so what, how'd you feel at this brunch party? This is what I wanna know is that now in doing this stuff, and you're right, that not, it's not one side. Like I started the show saying like people have a lot of social anxiety. Mm-hmm. I promise you that when you're out just saying hi to people, it is a muscle that we don't often use. Like, do you feel like you are a little bit better now maybe in dealing some situations that were harder for you before this?

Absolutely. Like I, and it never goes away. It never goes away. And I want to also be very clear that I think that film, And films and books have tricked us into believing that you will have an epiphany and your life will change. And what people need to know is that change is frustratingly, unbelievably incremental. And so what happened to me was I spent this year doing these things that were completely outside of my comfort zone. And what it did for me was to change one word, and that one word was interesting. So if someone were to say, hey, let's do this thing that I'd never done, Before, I would say, well, that sounds terrifying, or absolutely not. And now I say, well, that sounds interesting. And that small change is unbelievably significant. And the thing is, when people talk about changing your life too, you know what? If you have one more interesting hour in a year, your life has changed.

Yes, absolutely. I love that. Yeah, true.

Yeah. So it's just like, I think that people's expectations around how people— around how their life is going to change, but also I think that what I was talking about before was that you can still do all of these things and have an interesting life and have a rich life and do shit that changes you without being an enthusiastic person. Like, I mean, that's part of the lesson was, oh, fuck enthusiasm because I didn't have it and I still had the most interesting year of my life.

You actually set out and you did it.

So it's still, that's why it's called Okay, Fine, Whatever because that's what we say. That's what we Eeyores say when we're being dragged to get our Nobel Prize. Like it doesn't matter how amazing the thing is, we're like, ugh, I guess I'll get it.

And that's because the messages we're saying is it's gonna be hard or terrifying or whatever. It's kind of like wiring?

Yeah, it's because your brain is—

Protecting you from things that could happen or feeling fear or—

Well, and so there's an amazing group in Portland, Oregon called Create More Fear Less, and they work with anxious kids with writing and exercise exercises to help them change the way that they feel about their anxiety and manage it. And one of the messages to those kids, and I want everyone to know this, is that there are gifts that anxiety gives you, and one of them is a fucking amazing imagination. Because we imagine the worst possible scenario every time we go into a situation.

Always, right? People do, like, yeah, they're like, I'm not gonna like anyone, I'm gonna be rejected, it's gonna be horrible.

Right. And almost all the time, time that, that doesn't happen, right? And, and so we're sort of pleasantly surprised. But what I would say to people is, you know, the goal should be to have no expectations, not to have positive expect— just don't have any.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

And it's fine. I think that so much of anxiety is like, I don't want to be surprised. I just don't want to be surprised by anything.

Control thing too, like if I can control my environment. I think that's absolutely— I guess you learn that through life. But how do we— I love that they're talking to young kids because you're saying we don't talk about it a lot. And I feel like now, now we're hearing more and more that more young kids are having anxiety just like in the last few years 'cause it's social media or whatever. But mm-hmm. Then you realize their parents have it. So there is more interest. I mean, there is more of like attention to it, but that's such a true, like we, we just beat ourselves. And if you're anxious, I had ADD, like I remember reading a book when I was like 28 and it was, um, Driven to Distraction by this guy, Ned Hallowell.

Oh yeah.

I was like reading it and I was like, 76 questions that you take if you have ADD, which anxiety is sort of like an umbrella with ADD. And people say like, oh, it's not really, ADHD doesn't exist. I don't fucking care, whatever you call it. It's like, it's all part of the same thing. Anxiety. And I read that and I checked the boxes. It was like, yeah. And I was like, overwhelmingly, I was like, oh, this has a name for it that I'm— I just felt like I was constantly trying to control my brain to focus, focus, focus. And, and it was like, oh, it felt so such a relief. But, but to feel that there was like someone who understood or there was a name for it just gives you sort of some, some freedom. And then you could start to kind trying to find coping mechanisms, but it's such a negative thing. Maybe like look at the gifts of it is such a— it's so important.

Yeah.

What are the things that your anxiety has served you, Courtney?

Well, that's the thing. I mean, the reason that anxiety exists, I think just in, you know, sort of genetically or, um, you know, from back in, uh, uh, the olden times, uh, when people didn't wear clothes and were hairier, um, uh, it was essentially anxiety kept us alive. Like the people who survived back then, were the anxious ones. The ones who didn't recognize that a saber-toothed tiger might eat them died.

Exactly. Right. So you have to be scanning the environment for things happening, like the boar coming on to eat you, or you want to kill it, or whatever, protect our family.

Yeah.

It's adaptive. It's living in the fight or flight.

Yeah. And I think that honestly, I mean, in some ways it's made me, I guess, a little bit more discerning as well. I definitely, I look at situations and that can be a positive and negative thing, right? Because I do feel like it's made me more judgmental. And letting go of some of that judgment, I think, helps you a lot too in sort of like, I've been doing mindfulness work and so much of that is—

I was gonna ask what has been the most helpful for you in managing anxiety? Mindfulness?

It's been a lot of different things. There's a book by Barry McDonagh called DARE that was very helpful for me. It's essentially, DARE is an acronym, and it's about about sort of, he changed his own relationship with this anxiety by, you know, D is for diffuse. And he just sort of, you know, he would have a panic attack and he'd be like, oh my God, what if I die? And his, his response to that was, so what? You know, I, I won't have to cook dinner because it's always just, it's such a struggle to figure out what to make, you know?

Wow. Yeah. So flip that. No, it's so true. It's like, well, I love what you're saying about that change takes time because I think that we, we so want instant results and then we're told we're going to get it if we sign up or we meditate. It's taken me like it took me so many years of meditating until I finally have moments where I'm more consistent than not that I feel the change or just anything in life. When we're in the process of change, we want it to be done. And then you look back and you're like, oh, you must look back at this year of all these brave things you did and it was probably, it was your most interesting year.

Oh yeah, absolutely. 100% the most interesting year of my life. And I think that you're talking about meditating and how it can be frustrating 'cause you feel like you're not doing it right. And that's another thing too that I think anxious people just need to remember is beating yourself up or fighting your anxiety is making you more anxious. If you could just let go of that, you're gonna take away a layer of that anxiety.

So true.

Yeah, yeah, it's the same. Like, I saw this— it was, um, oh God, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. I saw them on Charlie Rose, and they were talking about how they would beat themselves up for how they would always wait till the last minute to do the show, and they just felt like garbage about it. And they tried to get it done earlier, they never did. And when they finally just said said, this is how we work, it took away about like 50% of their anxiety around that work. Because that was the— 50% of it was them just being like, why are we so sucky?

Yeah, you know, I could so relate to that, Courtney. I mean, all the time then people are always reminding me, going, well, just accept yourself, accept yourself. So that's part of the things that you grow up and you mature and you do work on yourself is when you finally just realize, I just have to accept all of this. It's all the things that I am.

It's, it's so hard. And I think it's particularly hard for women, you know?

Right?

Yeah.

We're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, we're gonna get into your email questions. All right, guys, I love answering your questions. This is why I exist on the planet. If you want a question answered on the show, go to sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form, we got you, or just email feedback@sexwithemily.com. Feedback at sexwithemily.com, but always include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. Okay, thanks. Okay, Jamie, you want to read the emails?

But of course. This first one comes to us from Michael, who is 42 in Michigan. Dear Dr. Emily, I've been married for 15 years, great sex life. My wife and I have been talking about a four-way. I like when she tells me about her past sex life, and when I think of her with another man, it really turns me on. But we were role-playing a few days ago, and she was showing me what she would do to another guy, and it was hot. But in the middle of it, I started to get very jealous. My question is, should we go ahead and try the four-way, or maybe some small steps before we go all out? Thanks, love your show.

All right, Michael, this is great because listen, I do believe that couples should not just jump into bringing in other partners into the relationship, whether it's a threesome or foursome. So I mean, they— you did what I often tell people to do, is before you do it, role-play it first and see how it makes you feel. So now that you did that, I think it's important to go back to her and say, you know, because you guys sound like wonderful communication and say, you know what, this is what made me jealous. And I mean, we didn't get into here, but maybe there was something, a point when she said she had a crazy orgasm, or maybe she said she was, you know, sucking his penis or doing something that triggered you. What did all make you jealous? Was it just the fact that there was another man there, or was it something in particular? Because if you really break it down, you know, you might figure out, well, I don't want any kissing, or I don't want to know who this person is. Maybe she used a friend's name. So I think kind of drilling down on what it was could help you guys if you're having health, you know, healthy communication and figure out, you know, what you actually like. Now, if it doesn't work for you and you're like, you know what, Emily, we, we went through it and we talked through it again. Cuz I, I would agree, I would insist that you role play it again now after you kind of figure out what things triggered you and then see if it works. But if it still doesn't work, that is totally and okay. It's okay for couples, it's okay for, for it not to work for you, and it's okay to figure out other things that you might do, you know, that, that spice it up. So I think that, you know, role-playing it, talking it through, going slow, letting it sit with you, and then seeing where you go from there is a totally acceptable way to go. And this is another thing I want to say to you, Michael, is what I love about you and your wife is that you're really handling this well and you do have excellent communication. And so I believe that if the foursome doesn't work out, that the two of you can definitely find some other ways to is hot. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I love the idea of a foursome.

Well, because everyone's got a job, right? No one gets left out.

Exactly.

Everyone's genitals are getting touched at some point.

Exactly. You know, 4 is a great number.

You go from one vagina, wash it off a little bit, go to the next one.

Exactly. Penis, whatever. Have things, wipes around.

Yeah, fresh.

Use some freshy wipes. We love those for sex.

Okay, this next one comes to us from Ida, who's 28 in Finland. Hello, Dr. Emily. My husband and I have sex every morning. The problem though is he never wants to change positions. We always run the dog. Doggy style.

Run the dog. I've never heard of this.

Run the dog. Okay, done. I want to do other positions. How can I get him to want to try something else?

That's a great question, Ida. I don't blame you. So here's what happens. You guys are in a routine. We've heard of these sex routines, and sometimes they become a sex rut. And so what it means is he's probably just— he's trained his body that when he— when you guys are in doggy style, that's when he can ejaculate. And a lot of men will say that's true. They're like, I can only come in this position. Well, it's training. Guarantee you, if you guys kind of, you know, try other positions and you build up again, he'll be able to come in other positions. So my best advice for you, as is for anybody who wants to try something new in the bedroom, is to talk about it outside the bedroom and just say to him, you know, I've been thinking about, you know, I love that we, you know, have such hot sex and that we have sex every morning. It's like, makes waking up so great. And if you use the compliment sandwich approach where you start out saying, this is what I love about it, and then say, I really would love to switch up positions. For example, and then tell him the positions that you would like to try. Maybe you just want missionary, maybe you want to use your toy, maybe you want to be on top, and then you can explain it to him. So I think that, that right now he never wants to change positions because he probably just is like, this is gonna work. So I think if you kind of talk and then he kind of knows what's gonna happen, he'll say, okay, so now is when you're gonna get on top. And so I know that, you know, this will definitely make you both feel better. And you can also let him know the reason why you want to switch positions is because because you have more pleasure in other positions. Variety is really hot for you. You like being on top because, you know, you can look down on him, you can control the depth, you can know that you can have an orgasm. So I think actually letting our partners know why we also want to mix things up can totally make a difference and get them on board, right? But talk about it outside. Give them a picture of what's going to happen. Because if she just says, I want to try new positions, why don't you ever want to try positions? Yeah, I'll just put them on the defensive.

Exactly. And I mean, no one— especially doggy style— to always do that. It just feels— I love it, but to do that every time would feel so disconnecting for me.

Exactly. Yes, that's the thing about doggy style, very disconnecting for some. I mean, it can feel amazing, but you're not making eye contact. It feels like it's dissociating, and, and for some people, that just, just feels— it can feel degrading.

Yeah. And it's just like, dude, the first thing—

I don't think that, but people can feel like, oh, I'm a— I don't know.

Yeah.

I mean, some people, they're not looking in eyes.

You can always turn around, I guess. I might freak them out.

You could look in their eyes, turn around. It depends on how good your neck flexibility is, but I think any position gets— will feel that way. Like, why are we only doing it one way? Exactly. You get bored. Like, any position could feel like, is this all we have? Is this all we got?

Do you think that happens to people that just really like routine sometimes too?

Absolutely. I've been with those people, cuz I'm not a huge routine person. It's like, takes a lot. But I've been with people who are very routine-oriented when it comes to sex, and that is a recipe for boredom, boring sex. You know, variety is the spice of your sex life, and it's your job on the planet to figure out what that's going to be that's going to keep, keep your sex life interesting and hot. And a lot of that starts with your own exploration, masturbation, what do you actually like, doing research together or on your own, like seeing like what else is out there. Because some people might be thinking, I don't know what other positions there are. So Check it out. Check out, you know, we've got a lot of great stuff on our website, sexwithemily.com. We've got great blogs about how to actually like try different positions, like different positions with a twist, like missionary with a twist, like put your legs over their shoulders, or spooning sex is also great for the morning.

Yes, I love spooning in the morning.

Me too. Like doggy style is a lot in the morning. Doggy style to me is not a morning sex thing.

Unless you're like still—

For me.

Yeah, I mean, it'd be one of those ones where your face is just down on the pillow still ass is just out there and you're just like, just enter me.

That's a good variation of doggy. I like that one. I like if I'm still sleeping but my ass is in the air. So there we go. I love it. Okay, thanks for your email, Ida. Let us know how it goes. We appreciate you.

All right, this last one comes to us from Joe, who's 56 in Pennsylvania. Hi, Dr. Emily. My question is this: my wife found my webcam account on my phone. I have been playing on this site for some time now and have developed some good/fun friendships with both genders. I do have a few primary friendships online, and admittedly they are more than I intended. She views my online activity as infidelity, whereas I view it as interactive porn. I'm not interested in ending my marriage, but I want to keep my online friends too. We're in therapy for this together and separately. Any thoughts? Additionally, she wants— she only wants me to masturbate to porn in bed next to her. I haven't done it yet, but it's maybe a way to rebuild some trust. She's been very patient and open about these conversations, but the camming is a hard no. I miss it, as I've respected her wishes to stay off of it. Also, she doesn't believe me that other husbands masturbate to porn with some frequency too. Is it normal to masturbate daily? Lately she's having anxiety over my alone time, is not permitting me to have any. She worries she can't keep up with my sex drive. I told her she doesn't have to, but I'm not sure what to do at this point.

Okay, there's a lot here to unpack, Joe. Okay, first off, the thing is, um, I— everyone gets to decide what actually constitutes infidelity. Now some people would say, you know, cam girl interaction or watching porn is infidelity. Now, I, I think that if you're having, you know, you're having interactions, you're having emotional connections with people, even if you're not meeting them in person, I can see why your wife might say, you know what, that doesn't feel great to me. And I would also say this might be a sign that maybe there's some intimacy that's lacking in your relationship with your wife, and that maybe there could be some more talking about how you guys can sort of enhance your sex life. And so, um, I feel like, you know, the fact that also that you're, you're keeping it secret and you are hiding it from her is also why she feels like it's cheating, and she found all the messages and all the stuff. Where I have a problem with this is her restricting your behavior and not letting you be alone and saying, you know, you can only masturbate with me in bed. And so I feel like that— well, I, I like that you're both in therapy. I think that's amazing. And I also think it would be great to hopefully, if your therapist can guide you in all some of this, because not all therapists are actually trained of how to navigate couples to have healthier sex, that maybe they can help you figure figure out, well, what is your wife into? What, what does she need sexually? What turns her on? And then you guys can figure out together, you know, what, what you both like. Because, you know, it is normal to masturbate daily. It is very common. A lot of married men masturbate every day to porn, and so do women. So it could just be she's okay with porn, but maybe she's not okay with the extracurricular relationships and the, the messaging men and women. And also, that's a lot of time, I would think. So, so it's just like, maybe she would like more of that coming back towards her. She wants intimacy with you. She wants connection. She wants talk is what I'm hearing from your email. And, and so I think that if you could kind of figure out how to give that to her, and so you guys feel more connected, you might find that you don't have as much of a need for as much interaction online. And so I like that. Again, I like that you're being honest with her. Um, but I would say that also, like, she has to kind of loosen it up a bit, that you are still free to actually masturbate, have time alone. Um, so I think this is something great to bring into therapy. And also, you know, I love the idea of looking at our Yes, No, Maybe list at sexwithemily.com, which is like a list of a lot of different things you guys could try in bed, and you could figure out what works for both of you. But it sounds like therapy is also going to help you guys get there a little bit. But, but, but figure out what you both like. And I think that the restrictions are heavy, but I would love you guys to both come together and figure out what works for you guys.

Yeah, it seems like she's trying to do, um, an overcorrection of what she found. So she's like, you went so far, but so now she's like taking it away. But that's like a bonding thing you do with yourself, at least the regular— sorry, Emily just put her gum on the cup.

I didn't want to be chewing gum, right? I love it.

Anyways, I find— for all of you out there, I find gum in very random places.

She found gum in the prep notes. I'm sorry about that.

It's okay. Oh my God, I also find lipstick kisses sometimes.

I said lipstick with the papers, blotting my lips.

I like to think—

I love our job.

I like to think that you do it for me.

I do, Jamie. I send you kisses every day. Especially Valentine's Day kisses. Coming up, by the way. We've got Valentine's Day shows for you guys as well you can check out. All right, thanks for your emails. Thanks everyone for listening to the show. And please rate us, review us wherever you listen right now. Look down at your phone if you're on an app. You can give us 5 stars, we love that. Comment on iTunes. And if you wanna know more about certain topics, you want us to cover them, or you have any questions, feedback, feedback@sexwithemily.com. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.