Gasms, Gains & Sexual Independence

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. This is Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm talking about independence in a relationship and the importance of establishing boundaries with a new partner. And believe me, the earlier it's done, the better. Plus, I'm answering your sex, dating, relationship questions. Topics include: what to do when one of you wants to spend more time together than the other, what is a nipplegasm, and how can you have one? It's not that hard. So if you're capable of having multiple orgasms while masturbating, but during sex with your partner, you can't. What's that all about? Also, a beginner's breakdown to prostate play— where to start, how to begin, and what to use. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out our website, sexwithemily.com. Bunch of blogs and posts on there that are gonna help you have better sex just like this show, and you can also find me 5 days a week week on SiriusXM Radio. It's channel Stars 109, and you can get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemily.com/sxm. I'm on all social media. It's @sexwithemily across the board. All right guys, I hope you enjoy the show. So I was thinking about this independence in a relationship. How do you do that? How do you stay independent but still, you know, have a healthy relationship? And this is a very common challenge. And it actually— we got this email and then started thinking about, okay, all of my relationships, this has kind of been a problem. Until I learned how to, how to navigate it more. But I realized, like, I really— I'm a fiercely independent person. Yeah, I've been that way since I was a child. Like, I'd rather be alone. I prefer being alone. Like, even when I was in college, if my friends were like, we're going out in a big group, I'm like, well, then I'll meet you there. Like, I can't wait for 10 people to get ready. This is just— I'm an extreme example of that. But also in relationships, this has been a challenge when I'm someone who's I've always worked really hard and I've also had friendships that are equally important to me, if not more than relationships. And then there's my family and there's time for everything. So I remember, and also like we do not valuing the same things in relationships. Like maybe you want your independence and your partner's like, well, if you want to be with your friends, which this is what reminded me of it, then I'm going to have to come with you. And you're like, where's my independence? Or do you like, I used to think like a great way to think about this is if you're dating someone, like, do you have the same? And you're thinking about getting more serious. Do you have the same vision for the week? For what a perfect weekend looks like. Do you both want to do the same things? Because typically that's when you're going to spend a lot of time together. But I was thinking about this guy I dated a long time ago. We had zero things the same that we want to do on the weekends. I remember I would— this is a true story. I, it was a Saturday morning. I woke up, I ran a half marathon. Now granted, I didn't do that all the time, but I pretty much would work out in the mornings. I ran a half marathon. I got my dry cleaning and I had lunch with a friend. And I got back to his house about 1:00, 12:30, 1:00, and he was still drunk in bed and waiting for his friends to come over to watch the game. And it was a beautiful sunny day in San Francisco. And I'm like, I started thinking to myself, is this, and this had been a struggle over time.

Polar opposites.

Polar opposites. I just ran and did and friends. I said, it's sunny out. He's like, well, what's the weather like? I just ran over the Golden Gate Bridge and back. I've run errands, checked in with my friends, got gas in my car. And I gotta tell you, that was emblematic of many other things in our relationship. You know, we didn't like, you know, like to do the same things. And I thought, well, what a great, even if you think about this, do we wanna have the same vision for like a perfect Saturday? So independence in a relationship, how do you keep that while still loving up your partner? So, Jane, you wanna read this email and then we can get into some more ways to handle it?

Yes, so we have an email from Teddy, 36, in California. Hi Emily, long-time listener, and thanks for making the dating world so much easier to navigate. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years, get along great, and our sex life couldn't be better. I like to spend the weekends meeting friends at the beach, hiking, and going out at night. She is totally fine staying at home or doing something small like dinner with a friend. She doesn't like me socializing without her and isn't eager to let me make plans with friends. We haven't had any issues of infidelity, so I do believe she trusts me. Her love language is quality time first and physical contact second, as are mine. I value our time together but realize that I need time outside of the relationship too. I love her and see us ending up together, but I feel like this has taken a toll. What's a fair balance of time apart for most couples?

Okay guys, what is it? So Teddy, here's a lot of things that came up for me in reading your email. Now let me just say this: when you guys are asking me for numbers and percentages and days spent together and apart, all that stuff, or how many times should we sleep together, I'm not going to give you numbers. I'm just not, because then you're going to get hung up on that. But let me tell you this: First off, each couple gets to decide how much time together works for them. And so I'm not gonna tell you what's a fair amount, but it sounds right now, you know, you guys get to negotiate that, but it feels to me like you're not getting the time that you need. And I'm not sure, you know, at any time, like if you're gonna wanna give up the beach and hiking and nature and going out at night and she wants to stay home and do things, this could be an ongoing struggle. The other thing is, uh, it makes sense if your love language is quality time, you're also going to want that with your friends. Like, I know my love languages extend with everybody, right? So you— that's how we feel love and appreciated. So it's like, you're gonna need that time with your boys, you're gonna need time on the, you know, doing your things that you love to do. And so, um, so I think the most important thing is to communicate, you know, let her know. You guys need to definitely have a talk about this and just say like, you know, your time with your friends are priority. And it doesn't mean, and reinforcing, that you love her less, that you value her time less, but that this is something that's part of your constitution and that makes, makes up who you are. Um, and that's going to be something important to discuss with her. And I, and I have a feeling in reading this that like, unless she can see your way about this, I don't think this is fair in the sense of like, not a lot— I don't, it doesn't feel good to me. And again, I'm very like, I, I, because I also have a little bit of bias here, but I've happened to also have scientific, I have, you know, experience also, I have clinical experience that if you, if you're trying to tell your partner, if you tell your, try to keep your partner away from their friends that they love, doing the activities they love. And they're like, oh God, I asked the old ball and chain if I can have a guys' night out or, oh, he never wants me to go out with my girls. He doesn't trust me. That never goes well. And rarely does that change unless couples can come to agreement. So unless you guys are going to, you know, be able to make some concessions around this, I think that it might not last here if you can't get past it. The other thing is, there is a trend right now of married couples living apart. Interesting. What's it called? Living apart together.

Oh yeah, LAT, Helen Fisher.

Helen Fisher talked about this, living apart together, and I just read that Gwyneth Paltrow and her marriage, they actually don't live together. They see each other 4 times a week. And so I think when it comes to independence in a relationship, it's a really important thing to discuss with your partner, like, set your intentions. Like, okay, what kind of relationship are you seeing this as? Like, I see this as like, I'm feeling like I would feel great if we had 2 nights together during the week and 1 on the weekend. What do you— and you guys get to decide together, or you, you come up with that number. So then you're not bumming out that Friday night they already made plans. Or maybe you're the kind of person that wants to spend every— all weekend together, and your partner's like, nope, Saturday night's for my girls. So it's like, you gotta, you gotta talk about these things. I think this Sooner that you sort this out with friends, with your lovers, the better. And then even to go one step further, how often are you going to communicate early on?

Oh, that's so smart.

How about like, okay, um, let's say we text every day but we talk once a week, or we FaceTime once a week. Because then, come on, how many conversations do we have with our girlfriends like, what does it mean he didn't call, he didn't text? Or I kept waiting for him to ask me out on a Friday, and then, you know, you have this whole vision of like, we're gonna spend every weekend together, and they're like, no, I had never have done that with anybody in my life, but it doesn't mean I love you less. So the sooner sooner you can talk to these, like, get these things clear with a partner, the, the so much— the more hard— you're going to save so much time and heartache and stressing with your friends and analyzing texts and why didn't he call and she called.

Yeah, didn't you, um, have a conversation about texting with your last partner?

Yeah, I was like, listen, I am not going to be an ever— if I don't get back to you, is it okay if I don't get back to you right away? Or not is it okay, but just so you know, I love when you send me texts in the middle of the day. I don't often read them. I don't have time to get into it. And often I feel like I'm a really clever person if we're together in public, in person, but I'm not on time to witty banter back and forth during the week. So if I don't answer you right away, it doesn't mean I don't— you're not awesome and I don't appreciate it. He's like, oh no, I just love texting you these funny things, so if you don't respond, it's fine. And I felt this huge weight lifted that like I didn't have to— and then it makes you almost want to respond more in a way, or at least it gave me permission to be myself. And then when I had a moment to respond, I was like, it's okay. But it wasn't like, oh no, if I don't get back to him, he's gonna be upset. There's a million ways you can clear that stuff out with partners. It makes sense.

I really— that's— and I just thought of this right now with my last relationship. I really wish I had asked him, what does your perfect Saturday look like? Because we did like to do different things, right? And he didn't like hanging out with my friends, but I was like, I work during the week and I don't really see my friends during the week, so I'm gonna be with them. And if you don't like them, then stop cooking, right?

Exactly. No, I think that's too— like, if you're— even if you're on a first date, that's one of my favorite date questions. What's your idea of a perfect Saturday or perfect Sunday or a perfect weekend or perfect vacation? Because it's like, then you know, in my leisure time I go towards this, and that is not going to change. So do that with all of them.

What about— oh, that's a good— like, on dating apps, Kristen, don't you do that?

I do. I actually always say that's like the very first question I ask. If it's like a Monday or Tuesday, I'll be like, hey, how was your weekend? How did you spend it? Because I really want to know, do I want to be a part of their weekend? Right, exactly. And if they were at some like rager, it's probably not for me. Yeah, he's like, we were up all night, we went to Vegas for the night, and then we've been dancing. Yeah, I know if they're my type in one question. That's a great— that's such a great— and everyone should find their own question. Yeah, yeah, good.

All right, let's talk to Carolyn who's 26 in California. She wants to share the talk she had with her partner about boundaries in the relationship.

All right, hey Carolyn? Caroline?

Caroline?

Hi. Yes, Caroline.

Hey, Caroline. Tell me, I love to hear what happened with boundaries. Such a tricky for people.

Oh, it's so hard. And we actually went through something very similar as a gentleman that wrote to you guys just now. And we didn't communicate it, communicate our feelings with each other for quite some time. It was just kind of like boiling into this like resentfulness. And I was actually the one who felt like I wasn't getting enough time. He's very very social and outgoing, and so he would go out, you know, every other night, and I was just getting tired of not spending time with him. And quality time is my love language. So, um, we kind of sat down and realized that the problem was he— it wasn't that he wasn't spending time with me, it was he wasn't spending quality time, right? And when he wasn't spending time with me and he was, you know, out at bars or hiking or events, concerts, it was really— he was with people who I had really never met. And so I felt like he was choosing to hang out with strangers instead of like spending time with the person, you know, that he loves. And so, um, we kind of talked about ways that we could fix it, and one of those was kind of like setting the boundary of, I want to meet your friends if you're going to be hanging out with them, you know, several times a week. And the time that we do have together just needs to be more thoughtful.

Yeah.

That way it's not, you know, we're not on our phones and we're not, you know, just watching TV at home. We're doing something together to grow our relationship.

God, Caroline, that's thank you.

We're definitely really independent people, so it was really hard for me to have those feelings and realize like, I don't want to hold him back, but—

Right. No, thank you. This is great because we didn't actually go— we didn't loop back on that. This is a perfect— it's It's so true. You can get through this. You had that wherewithal. You were his girlfriend. You were essentially like— but then you're so smart and so astute, Caroline, that you realized, wait a minute, it's the quality. It's the let's put our phones down and we're leaving the house and we're gonna do something together and we're gonna connect and that will be quality, not ordering out Postmates and watching Netflix. Totally get it. Thank you, Caroline. I love that. It's very helpful. Thanks. Thank you so much. So, go on. Let me just circle back to that then. If you're just joining us, we were talking about Teddy who was having a hard time in his relationship with his girlfriend. Them for 2 years and they're both quality time, but she was feeling like she wasn't. So now I see her perspective more in the sense of like, if they could have a real conversation, so hopefully Teddy's gonna hear this and could say, well, what kind of time together would make you feel fulfilled and satisfied? And explain the need of him to be with his friends. Maybe they'd figure out what quality time looks like to them.

Yeah, 'cause I think, I mean, that makes so much sense. If the only time that you're hanging out together, you're just sitting at home watching TV, you're not feeling connected really anyways.

Exactly. And that happened in, you know, that's happened to me in relationships as well, where, and this is because again, I need my next boyfriend. I, it has to be a planner. Like I'm pretty much up. I will tell you exactly what I wanna do, but I'm not gonna plan it. I'm not gonna buy the tickets. I don't have time. You're, you're gonna have to present it and make it happen. That's just something I'm not gonna pick up. So when I've been with like in my last, in one of my recent relationships and it was like, we both wanted to do so much and then we look back, we're like, we are home a lot watching TV. Which was novel in the beginning because I'm like, I never watch TV. But then it's like— and then we— he would accuse me, he's like, but you're always doing things with your friends. Every night you've got things. I'm like, because they're inviting— or events, or many nights. I said, honestly, babe, they're inviting me to things. I'm not— I'm the friend that will show up, I'll be there, I'll support, I'll bring drinks, but I'm not planning it. So you— and we just couldn't either— we couldn't get to the planning thing. We couldn't figure out who was going to plan.

Oh yeah, no, you need You know me. You need a planner.

I'm up, I'm there, I'm gone, but I'm not like, "Well, let's get our calendar." I mean, sometimes I will, but it's not often. I bring many other things to the relationship. All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, into your questions. President Barack Obama. Virginia, we are counting on you. Republicans want to steal enough seats in Congress to rig the next election and wield unchecked power for 2 more years. But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st. Help put our elections back on a level playing field and let voters decide, not politicians. Vote yes by April 21st. Paid for by Virginians for Fair Elections. USAA knows dynamic duos can save the day, like superheroes and sidekicks or auto and home insurance. With USAA, you can bundle your auto and home and save up to 10%. Tap the banner to learn more and get a quote at usaa.com.

All right, let's talk to Dave. He's 49 in Texas. Um, he wants to know how guys can give nipplegasms to women.

Hey Dave, great question. I'm so good.

You know, most guys, including me— I heard of this on your show a couple days ago. I don't think most guys have heard of this, that this is even exists. I don't know if many girls know of nipple orgasm.

Yeah, it's a real deal.

So what percent— I have two questions. What percent of women do you think have experienced this or can experience it? And number two, what techniques should a guy use to try to give his girlfriend a nipple orgasm?

It's a great question. Well, Dave, here's the thing. Again, just like the anal rubbing, not every— not everything is possible for every person. And I think that a lot of people, women, don't really realize that It's actually something that can happen. In fact, it's the same region in our brain that's responsible for clitoral orgasms are responsible for nipple orgasms. But, so, I think that what percentage, I mean, I think it's more common than we think. I think a lot of women can and they don't. Like, they don't know it. They just like multiple orgasms. Like, a lot of women haven't had multiple orgasms, but it's not because they can't. They just didn't know how to do it. So, the same thing goes for nipple orgasms, which is why I talk about them a lot because I think it's pretty accessible for a lot of women, but like everything, it takes a little bit of time to build up to it. So, um, so Nippuga essentially though, it has 800 nerve endings and it's the same part of your brain as your genitals, right? So, stimulation 101, like everything, it's gonna vary from woman to woman. And I think the best way to start out is slow, like with your tongue, and you want to make sure there's also like a lot of saliva. You would like lick slowly. You know, around the nipples. Massaging the nipples can be a huge turn-on. Some women might like biting. It might be helpful to use like a nipple clamp, but you would kind of build up to that. You have to experience and see what kind of— what feels really good to them. And also, the first thing, just like when you're warming up anything, like before anal, I'm like, give them— but the buttocks massage, don't just go right for the nipples either. Like tease around them, like tease around their breasts. And you know, the inside of the breast can feel really good too, like taking a finger. And so yeah, you really just want to like Play with both of them, and I think lick and suck and play with different textures and pressures and movements, really. You could use a vibrator on a nipple.

Would you massage the breast while you're sucking and licking?

Yeah, I mean, I think you want to go slow. Here's the thing with women, and I think that men might like this as well, but they don't know it because everything's really fast. But I can tell you what I believe is that everything going slow will not only feel great because you're teasing and you're building up to it, like you're not going right for the nipple yet. You're like grazing your fingers around the breasts, like around the entire breast, and you're lightly massaging and you're going slow. And then while you're doing that, you're watching her reaction. Like, is she moaning? Is her breath quickening? Is it turning her on? Right? And that doesn't mean go faster. It just means like, wow, first of all, she could just be like, no one's ever taken this much time with my breasts. No one's ever slowed it down and really like looked at it. So I feel like, yeah, you can massage, you could lick, and definitely like maybe you play with a little vibrator around her nipples and you tease it and you, you know, I think vibrations feel pretty good everywhere. So I think licking and sucking and maybe even you, you lick and then you blow. So you get like the hot, the lick and the cold, like warm mouth and then the cool, and that's stimulating all the nerve endings. So just think about it there like that. It's just waiting for that kind of arousal. Now for women, you just keep going, right? If they like it, just keep going, right? You don't have to stop and then see. Now again, if a woman's never had one, the chances are, um, that, Dave, the first time you do it, it probably won't happen. But it's like, wow, I really like that nipple play. Then you know, it's just something new to bring into your repertoire. So, okay. All right.

I don't— yeah, one last thing.

Sure.

I don't know who else is on the show because I just tuned in by calling. But have you ladies on the show experienced it before? Either by your own stimulation or from a partner?

I've gotten very close to a nipplegasm. I have not had one. I haven't focused on it though, to be honest.

I've had one by myself only once, and I was like, it's really crazy. It feels great.

Could, could you ballpark, say, uh, does it take 5 minutes, 30 minutes for you?

Oh, I don't know that, dude.

We don't know. They're all different. I'm not gonna give you that, but I promise you it's not gonna be— yeah, but go slow, Dave. Yeah, go figure out whoever you're with. Like, time shouldn't matter, right? You'll be so into the groove, it'll happen. It won't, but, but sometimes, you know, you just get her going with it, looking forward to it more. Thank you for your call, Dave. Yeah, I love nipple play. I feel, I feel like it just adds to— even if they're just playing and they're like kissing you, making out, and they're just like fingering you a little bit, like, then them fingering you and going for the nipple is just— that's when, yeah, I can really orgasm. Because that, that's the thing is if you play with both at the same time, you have to realize it's the same part of the brain you are stimulating. So if the nipple and the clitoris, like, then it's more likely Play with both. Suck on her nipples and play with her clitoris.

Kirsten, 29, Chicago. She's got a question about her boyfriend not being able to get all the way there during sex.

Hey Kirsten, thanks for calling. Tell me what's going on.

Hi Emily Morse, I'm so excited to talk to you. Whenever I'm driving home from work, I always listen, and so as you just said, other people listening, but I'm so excited I got through.

Oh, me too, me too. How can I help you, sweetie? What's going on?

So we've been dating for about 4 and a half years, almost 5 years now. We've lived together for about 3 and a half, you know, that whole journey. Um, and just like, I've just been noticing lately since like we've lived together, you know, things get lax, the days go, you know, whatever. And I've just noticed that like either like when he wants to do it either in the morning or like, you know, a little bit later at night, like when I get home from work, and it's like if he hasn't— I feel he's too tired or like hasn't eaten, he's like, he can't get there. And I don't know if he's blaming it on that or if I'm not doing the right thing, but like, I'm, I'm asking them like, am I doing something wrong? And like, you know, you're not getting there, you know, you should be, you know, we're doing this.

Well, Kirsten, I have a question for you. Does he ever get there or is it only when you think he's hungry or tired?

Oh no, no, he does. But it's like, if we like did it right away in the morning, right before I go to work, like let's say like around 6:30, 6:45 in the morning when we wake up.

Okay.

It's that, like, happened. And so it's like going on for like 10 minutes and like I'm done essentially at that point. So I'm, you know, I'm like, he's not done. And then he's just like, I'm tired, I'm gonna take a shower. So I just, I don't know, it's like it makes me feel like, you know, I'm like, what am I doing wrong? And I, and I asked him that, but it's just, it's just kind of odd. And so it's like, I don't want to be like, do you need to go to the doctor? Like But I mean, like, we're so young and we're 29, so we don't have kids yet.

Well, okay, Kirsten, here's the thing. So I'm trying to understand. So when you guys do it in the morning, is he, um, you said even then you get done, but he never— it sounds like he doesn't ever really finish. We're talking about ejaculate, right? Have an orgasm. It sounds like he doesn't often. Okay, so it sounds to me, Kirsten, is that he's a delayed ejaculator. Delayed ejaculation, it's a thing. It's not as well known. Um, it typically means that you last 30 minutes or longer than in bed like longer than you want to, and it takes you— yeah, sometimes you can't at all, or could take you like an hour and a half with a partner, and you just can't in bed or with a partner ejaculate. And so it often is, it's less diagnosed. We're not really understanding why that happens. And men have a lot of shame around it too. They feel bad. They know that, you know, women were like, oh my God, I'm not hot enough. I don't know the right blowjob moves. I should probably get on top more. We beat ourselves up because it's just lesser well-known than PE, premature ejaculation. So this is what it sounds like to me is going on with him. Do you—

yeah, yeah, he was a swimmer in college, so he was like really athletic, like on the go 24/7. Um, so I mean, I, you know, I just— does he take any different things?

Okay, but wait, so does he, does he take any medication? Does he drink? Is he smoking weed? Is there like anything like that?

Oh my God, no, it's— I mean, literally like maybe 2 nights a week have like, you know, a grandpa Bud Light. Okay. Nothing in that sense where we're not doing it when—

No. Right. And he's not on medication or anything?

Nope.

Okay, so here's the thing. Delayed ejaculation is a tricky one because a lot of times something could have happened when he was younger and it gets like locked into his brain. You know, our brains, like it could just happen once where he wasn't able to— maybe he was about to ejaculate and someone was coming in the room when he was like, 14 years old, and then at that point he just could no longer ejaculate. There are some physiological things that could be going on as well, but typically this one's a little bit harder to, to figure out. And so I would say that he should definitely go to a doctor and talk to him about it and figure out— there are definitely— and just know that, like, I think, you know, you love that you want to be with him. You can just let him know that you found out some more information, that you totally support him, and he should go talk to a doctor and figure out, like, a urologist, or he can go to a sex therapist. They could really work with him because there are ways to get through it, but it's going to take some practice and maybe some work with both of you. Now I hope it sounds like you orgasm pretty quickly, like when you're in bed with him in 10 minutes, which is pretty cool because it doesn't often happen. But what he can figure out—

I mean, if there's like things like, yeah, that he's doing clearly, you know, to like get it going. But if not, then I mean, it, you know, takes a little bit longer. But sometimes it just makes me worried that like, you know, like I asked, as I said, I'm like, am I doing something wrong? Like, do you want something more? You know, trying to be like open and honest. Which like I hate doing, but like, you know, saying, "Do you need something more?" You know, because what's going on? And then he's like, "No, it's fine. I'm just tired or I'm hungry." Right. You know, it's like that's also like kind of like it feels like the balloon is like full and then it just like pops.

Right. Exactly. So have you seen— yeah, I feel like— and also, do you know if he— one more thing— does he masturbate?

The thing is, in the time that we've known each other, I've never seen him do that, which is like which I find a little bit strange as like an adult male, you know, shouldn't you be doing that?

But, right, you know, there might be some— I don't know if he grew up in a religious background. I mean, there's like a psychological component and a physiological component. I'm thinking it might be more psychological. So I would just remember, none of these things— it's not one conversation, it's many conversations. You love him, Kirsten. You can just say, I found some more information. Let's, um, we have a lot of it on our website too at sexwithemily.com. I would find a doctor and go from there. You know I'm here 5 nights a week, you can call me back. So that should be be the first step. Talk to him, and then you guys can— you can figure out the next steps together, okay? And I'll be here to help. Thank you so much for calling, Kirsten. That's a thing. We blame ourselves. We think it's our fault. I'm so happy. I think that a lot of people can relate to that. We get a ton of questions about that, you guys. Delayed ejaculation, they're typically, um, maybe had some oppression or abuse or something religious. We don't— we don't know really, but it is more psychological, which is the good news. It just can also kind of help to untreat it if he goes to talk to All right, we have Jonathan who is 40 in Los Angeles.

He's got no social media, but he wants to start doing dating apps and needs advice on how to start.

All right. Hey, Jonathan.

Yeah, they call me Jack too.

Hey, Jonathan Jack, what's going on? Okay, so no social media.

Oh, it's great. No social media. And I've just— I've been— I was married for 10 years, so I was out of the hunt during when everything changed. Came out, and I just don't feel comfortable with— I only have LinkedIn, and every time I approach someone or ask someone, it's like, hey, how you doing? And it comes down to, where's your Facebook and/or whatever? And I got nothing. And then they look at me like I murder people.

No, I know, right? I know, it's like almost— we're like, how do you not? So here's the thing, are you asking me because the dating apps actually— they make you— you have to have a social media account to join most of the dating apps, or you don't anymore? James, did you want— I'm not on there.

You can use email.

Email?

You could use an email for them, actually. I don't think you have to. Hinge is one that everyone's using right now. They're having a lot of success around my office. I think Bumble's another one. I think there's a workaround. I don't think they make you be on social media, but what you could also do, Jonathan, I get that you don't want to do it, you could start an account and just have one picture. And like, you could just do that.

Now what should I say? How should I— should I have on a tie?

Like, I'm really, really curious about this whole thing. Jonathan, I adore you. I don't know. Where do you feel the most you, Jonathan?

In.

Like, where do you feel that you are your best self? What are you wearing? What are you doing?

Uh, you know, I'm just gonna— it's gonna take me a minute to figure that out, but I, I think, um, yeah, probably just a relaxed person.

Yeah. If you're relaxed, don't wear a tie. I'll be like, he's gonna wear a tie in bed. And I don't know, unless he's gonna tie me up with it. No, John, it's also good to ask your friends who know you, like if you have sisters or really good girlfriends, they can help you with that. So I feel like something in an environment where you feel comfortable. And have some of your girlfriends or sisters or someone that you trust give you some advice about it. Make sure that you have good lighting and let— just so you know, a lot of men are not the best at taking pictures. I'm just gonna be honest. Women, we got this. Guys are not great at it. So I think it's always great to call in the troops, the women that you trust, and have them take a look at it and maybe write your profile and then have them look at it. Friends that you know that are on the apps. We also— let me tell you this. We did a show here I helped Michelle who works here with her dating app and we got how many requests? Dozens and dozens of requests. People want me to help them with their app. So I can, um, it's called Summer Sex Spice Up. It's a podcast that we did. So check that out. It gives great beginner tips and you know, we do 3 podcasts a week wherever you listen to podcasts. You can down that one, um, Summer Sex Spice Up. It goes step by step on what to do for the dating apps. Summer Sex Spice Up. We're going to put it in the show notes. It's sexwithemily.com.

Yeah.

So I would check that one out, but is that your, yeah. And then just start.

Sets.

And also just being out in the world helps dating too. Like, just, you know, taking a different route home from work, saying yes to those events that you're like, I'm not going to go to that person's barbecue, I can't stand them. But maybe they got a friend there that you might like, you know? So letting people know that you're single and you're ready to date again. I mean, how we meet is mostly through friends and online now, apparently, according to a new study. So I wouldn't worry about it though. And don't spend a lot of time texting. Just meet someone sooner. You're 40. Like, don't do all this back and forth. Be like, when can we I just hear from all my women friends.

Thank you for that too, because that was one of my things. I didn't know how the banter is supposed to work.

You know, you can text a few times, but if you feel like you like someone, be like, do you want to chat for— I think it's good to talk on the phone. Even better yet, FaceTime for a few minutes. I love this hack. Why would you want to drive across town? I mean, you're not a woman, but we got to get ready, do our hair and makeup, and then we get there, we're like, nope, gotta leave. It gets a waste of time. So the sooner you can cut through the texting and the chatty banter, which is time that you'll never get back in your life chatting with someone that you find out when you meet them at they're just disaster and not what you want. So try to move it along as quick as you can. If you find an interest in someone, connect, make a plan to meet, and then repeat. All right?

You're an excellent soul. Thank you.

Okay, Jonathan, I'm here every night for you. I got you. I got you. Can be intimidating to date again after all these years.

That is the cutest thing I've ever heard. Should I wear a tie?

Like, my heart. Although I think a man in a tie is hot. Like, I don't think that men wear suits enough. Enough. Like, I, I'm in New York, I'm like, yes, like, to me, oh my God, where's goddamn suit?

Guys are in suits all the time.

I don't even know you, I just like your suit. Moving suit, hot.

We have Christy, 33, Missouri. She wants to know if there's some reason why she can have multiple orgasms when she masturbates but not when she's with her husband.

Hey Christy, yes, we can help you though. Transfer those multiples into sex your husband. That's the good news.

That would be fantastic.

Okay, so tell me about what happens when you're in your room, when you're alone masturbating. Are you using a toy or your fingers?

So I have one toy that I've had since before I knew my husband, and we've been together 10 years.

Okay.

And it is my favorite. And sometimes I have to almost not— I can't masturbate today, I don't have the time. Because it's like I get sucked into it because I can just go over and over and over again.

We've all been there.

I want that, and yeah, it's like I can't pull myself away. I want that with my husband, and we have a fantastic sex life, and we keep things fresh, and we're adventurous, and we communicate really well. But it's like once I orgasm with him, it's like, oh my god, don't touch it, I can't.

Okay, right.

I don't understand the difference between the two and why it's happening.

So when you have the orgasm with your husband, is it during penetration, or is it during oral sex, Either one, whichever we're doing. Okay.

But if we do oral before, then I won't be able to have another orgasm when it's through penetration after.

Okay.

But if we don't do oral, I can have— I can orgasm with penetration.

Okay.

And I can have a nipple orgasm, and if that happens before, when we're even just like clothes still on, it's like, forget it, I can't have another one after that.

Right. Okay, so that's a mindset. Like, so you've told yourself that because maybe at one point it was really painful after, or Right now, maybe it is too. So, my best tips for multiples is that, especially with a partner, is that you want to make sure that you just kind of take all hands off deck, all hands off your clitoris at that point. You just breathe and you make sure that maybe he continues to just kiss your neck and to stroke you. Because the women's refractory period, the time in between orgasms, is a lot shorter than men's. You know men having multiples, it could take them them, you know, overnight. They can't typically do it, but for women we can. But we just have to learn that it might hurt in that moment to be touched, but if you can keep the energy flowing, like you're still making out, or maybe you're going down on him again, or maybe you're just kind of switching up positions, maybe you stop having sex, that like penetrative sex at that moment, and you continue to make out for a minute and there's no touching of your genitals. But then when you get back to it, you'll realize that you'll be able to perhaps go again. I think it's just a mindset that you can't— I hear this all the time from women, they're like, I'm done, I'm done. And that's because what we're told, A, and maybe actually has felt that way, but there's— just know that there's— if you're able to do it with your— I know, with a vibrator, you can learn to do it with your husband. So I think it would really just be a matter of switching up your positions. And when you do have oral sex, maybe you have one that way and then continue to like like pump your Kegel muscles. That really helps me, is your pelvic floor muscles, because those are responsible— those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. You contract them. Sometimes you're just like kind of pumping those a little bit. Maybe he's doing some other things that turn you on, or you're just taking the attention off you and you're kissing him, and then it goes back to you again. Typically, that's how it happens. You just kind of— you just kind of flow. And maybe it won't happen the first time, because I love the idea of sex being more fluid and not so linear.

You say that, now I'm thinking it seems like it must really be in my head because then I'm not in the moment anymore.

Right.

And so then that, you know, I feel like, all right, we're done.

Right.

But we're not.

Right.

And if, yeah, if I can get past that and keep myself in the moment.

Exactly, Christy.

I probably could.

It's all your mind. Your mind says done, over for business. That's all I can do because that's all I've been doing my whole life. But I'm telling you, this is in your head, which is the really good news. So just don't beat yourself up. It might not happen the first time, but just, you can even let him know, babe, guess what? I want to try something new. I'm just gonna breathe. You know, remember I used to say I was done? I don't think I am. And then he'll be like, cool, let's keep going and try it, you know. Maybe you bring out your toy for that second one. Maybe you add some more lube, you know. We are— sometimes we're not always— I think we need lube during every sex act. So even adding a few drops after, because maybe you're dry. Even if you're wet during the beginning, you might not be dry throughout, which is why I think you have to reapply lube. So have some lube by, have your vibrator nearby, and and just, you know, start again with— and just kind of forget everything you learned in the past and start new. See how it goes.

Awesome. I'm excited to try now.

Me too, Christy. I'll be here 5 nights a week, so call me back and let me know how it goes. I feel like it's gonna happen soon. Okay, you're so welcome. Thanks for calling, Christy. Have a good night.

So we got Mike, who's 50, from Chicago, and he wants to talk about prostate stimulation.

All right. Hey, Mike, what's going on? How can I help you?

Hi, Emily.

Hello, you're on.

Thank you, thanks so much. I love your show.

Thank you.

Um, I wanted to tell you that I find it so refreshing that you never judge anyone. That is really, really awesome.

Thanks, Mike. Yeah, we all judge ourselves too much anyway, you know. I'm open, just here to support.

Yeah, thank you. That is really big. Um, I read a few— I've done a little, a little bit of research on the prostate issue, and nothing really specifies, you know, when exactly would that be done. I mean, I, I talked to my wife again, you know, communication, like you say.

Yep, communication is lubrication.

And, uh, she said, say, Yes, she would be down for it. Would this be something that she would do while she's, you know, going down on me, or—

Oh, good question, Mike. So, so tell me, what kind of— are you just— you're saying, um, you just want her to explore your prostate, or maybe just start with a finger, like even like a finger in your butt?

Exactly.

Okay, honestly, I think a great place to start is during oral. That is a great place, and just see how it feels. So it would help if she's giving you a blowjob, maybe you guys take a shower together because sometimes that's, you know, to make sure you're all clean and make sure that her nails are trimmed and that, you know, she's clean because it's important. She could also put a condom over her fingers. I know people don't do this, but I'm just saying you got to make sure your nails are clean and she could try a finger like a pinky in there and she could use some lube. Lube is so important because our anus is not going to lubricate on its own and I would say that would be a great place to start and just see how it feels with a finger and communicate Maybe you're laying on your back and she puts a finger in. That could be a great place to start. Maybe she even just starts with a finger outside of your anus, rubbing her finger around the nerve endings just to see how it feels. Yeah, I like that she's down with that. Yeah, and then you can call me back if you want to graduate to some other things. We can get you a prostate toy, pegging. There's a lot of places to go with it, but I think just start with a finger and see if you like it. You can also try it on your own.

Okay, yeah, we're, we're doing really great. You answered one of my email questions a while back. Yeah, I mean, we're communicating better.

I'm so glad, Mike. Oh, I'm so— it's my pleasure. I'm so glad it's been helpful, and I will be here for you every night. Thanks, Mike. Keep me posted.

All right, so I have an Instagram question for you. This is— I don't have an age— from a female, though. My husband doesn't turn me on anymore, but "What the thought of other guys do, is that a bad sign?" Okay, that is not necessarily a bad sign.

I think it's a bad sign when we assume that we are never going to have attraction towards anybody else but our partner. I think we all know that is ridiculous, so I would say don't beat yourself up for it, but maybe there's a way you could take some of those fantasies and put the energy back into the relationship with your partner. Have you worked on it? Is it her husband she said or her partner?

Her husband.

Have you actually talked to your husband about making a sex plan? I mean, I love the idea of couples having a sex plan. What are we going to tackle in our sex life this year? Next quarter? You could sign up for my subscription box, for example. I have a box that comes out every 3 months, and you could get a box of toys and lubes and games and fun things to play with. You could decide that you want to roleplay. You could decide that you want to try some toys together. You want to I don't know, fulfill some fantasies. You could create a bucket list and you each write down 3 things and then you swap lists and then you see which one you want to try. We have a yes/no/maybe list on our website. A lot of people love to download that and it lists a bunch of different sexual acts and activities and a bunch of things around sex and you can decide, well, where do we meet on this? Do we want to be spanked? Yes, no, maybe. You know, you'll find out, oh, we both like massage, or we both like I don't know, nipple play, and then you see where you match up. So I think that don't beat yourself up. It's totally healthy to have fantasies about somebody else when you're in a committed relationship, as long as it just doesn't go too far and you don't sort of get off in that fantasy land with the other person and then just sort of abandon the energy that you actually have to bring to the sexual relationship with your husband. You guys have to remember that sex is going to fade in every single relationship. It just is. And if you're just waiting around for spring back up all of a sudden, they hit you over the head, you're gonna wake up one morning and you're like, now I want to have sex with my husband again like I used to. No, that is not going to happen. We all have to make efforts. We all have to bring the energy to the table. You have to both be in it and you have to both say, I know lately it sucked. It hasn't been great. We haven't been working on it. Let's start now and commit to each other to make something happen and bring— either you bring back that spark or you create a new one, but that's like imperative in all relationships. All right guys, thanks for listening. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for telling a friend. Thank you for reviewing us wherever you listen to the podcast. That really helps. And also thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristin, Michelle, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.