Getting (A)head: Orgasms, Oral & Opening Up

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet. And it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sex with emily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your calls. I'm answering your emails. I'm doing all the things I love to do with you. Okay. Topics on today's show, Long distance relationships. Is technology helping how mindful sex can make you so much happier in bed. What to do when you want to give head but your partner isn't keen on receiving. Yeah, some people aren't into oral sex, guys. It happens. And when affection is over the top, how do you let your partner down nicely? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sex with emily.com check out our website. There's so much more on there that can help you have better sex. We've got blogs, we've got things you can subscribe to our podcast. It's really easy. Subscribe to the podcast anywhere. Now, you guys, there's so many places to listen. Spotify, Google Play, iHeartRadio, SoundCloud, all these places. And when you leave comments and review us on itunes or anywhere you listen. Super helpful. So more people can find the show and more people can have better sex just like you. And you can also follow me ex with Emily across the board on all social. It is a good time on Instagram, Twitter, all that stuff. Facebook. Okay, guys, here's a little bit sex in the news and then we're gonna get into your calls and your emails. I love this because this article slash study is kind of what I've talked to you guys about for a long time, but it gives some more specific ways to be more mindful. Mindful sex could have put an end to unhappiness in bed. You know, I think being mindful in all areas of your life are important and can help us, you know, get through anxiety, get through stress at work, get through a lot of situations. You know, a lot of us feel disconnected during sex, particularly, like, we just, we don't really know what's happening in our bodies. We're too much in our heads. And so a lot of times, because we're so disconnected, that's when we see a lot of sexual challenges. Erectile problems, vaginal pain, low libido. And then that hampers, you know, our quality of life, our relationships. In many cases, it really impacts our ability to have really connected. Amazing sex, sex. Here's what all the mindfulness craze is about. It's really about just being present, being in the moment, making sure your thoughts are not in the past. You know, you're not worrying about, like, oh, God, did I not send that email back to my boss? And you're not thinking about the future. Like, what am I going to do about, you know, tomorrow's meeting? Or what time am I going to go to the dry cleaner? Whatever you're thinking about. Mindfulness literally means being mindful to the present moment and paying attention and observing what is happening. Because what you realize is when you're in the present moment, and this is a practice they call the mindfulness practice because nobody does it once and gets it is a lifelong practice, is because when you are truly in the present moment, like right now, okay, I'm hearing my Sound into the ears right now. That's what I'm listening to. I'm actually listening to my sound. That's what I hear with the headphones on. Tasting. I'm not really tasting anything. Maybe I'm getting hungry. What am I tasting? Oh, I had those supplements earlier. Okay, that's not a fun taste. I'm touching. My hands are right now on this table in front of me. What else? Smell. I can't really smell anything right now. Okay. My nose is stuffed up. I'm trying to think we should light more candles in here. It's reminding me, but like, I'm just, it's probably stuffy. I'm smelling like a stuffy room. Okay. Right now, you guys, in this moment, I am present with you. So I always say to you guys, during sex, when your mind's wandering, it's a practice to go back to and think about what am I seeing? Smelling, hearing, tasting. So this is more comprehensive. Talk about it. That how they came up with this mindful sex treatment is that they realize that mindfulness helps people with sexual trauma, anxiety. People are, you know, have a lot of worries about their jobs, about money, and that's just why we're not in the mood for sex. And so I think that people are always like, we're using tablets and smartphones and all these things are on our bedroom, answering emails. We're doing all these things in our bedroom that should only be left for having sex and for sleeping. So when that happens and we're stressed, that takes its toll. Out of the moment, you're not really present. I think when you're, when you have all this stuff and it's distracting in the moment in the bedroom, it's a complete distraction from being connected to our partner. And so I think it's no surprise that we have sexual problems and a lot of our sexual challenges. The good news is it's anxiety related. A lot of times it's not physical ailments that's preventing us from having sex, even though libido, even erectile challenges. It's because we're thinking about, God, I never have orgasms, or God, my penis never stays hard when I want it to. We're thinking about it. If you're having that thought, especially while you're having sex, you are not present those words in your head. That thing that you're thinking is you. You're in charge of that. So when you go back to what you're thinking in the moment, it will keep you present. And you guys, this isn't really anything new? Although I think people are kind of picking up on it now. But even Masters and Johnson, you guys, who were like the leaders in studying sex in the late 50s, they had a technique called sensate focus, which I actually studied in my sex school. And that's when you explore physical sensations, rather focusing on the goal of orgasm. That's a sensate focus. I think when we. If you have any goal during sex and you're thinking about it, you're not present, you're not thinking about the emotion, the things happening in your body at the time. So you know, a mindful approach can, you know, for example, if a guy's got an erection challenge and he's stressed and he's in his mind during sex, am I getting erection? Am I going to come too quickly? If you have low desire, it just helps to learn to like practice being mindful. And they also have used this, teaching sexual abuse survivors to mindfully pay attention to the present moment. Mindfulness techniques have been used for people who are suffering from trauma, who have had suicidal tendencies. And we are so disconnected from our bodies. And a lot of women in particular, I hear this all the time, men are a little bit better. I gotta be honest, men are a little bit better of knowing what's going on with their bodies. But I see women who, you know, report low desire, lack of response, low arousal, that it's really hard for them to kind of be in their bodies. They're not really sure what's happening even if they're turned on. Like they have women who've been studied, like in labs and like you are actually turned on right now and they don't know it. The other thing about women is who report low desire, lack of response, low arousal, they have to learn to be present because what they're showing is that there's a really, you know, non judgmental part. Like when you're in the moment being present, you're not judging anything. But a lot of women, you know, they have difficulties based on like very negative or catastrophic thoughts. So if I don't respond sexually, my partner's gonna leave me, or I'm not, I'm not having orgasms. Like, what's wrong with me? I'm broken. So mindfulness is about when you're being mindful, you're paying attention without judgment. And the set, you know, it's about learning to have compassion for yourself, learning to like, love your body. If you find yourself, you keep going back to like, is he looking at my thighs? Is he realizing that I You know, one boob is bigger than the other boob. Or if you're worried about your penis size, like, any thoughts that you're having about sex that aren't about, you know, oh my God, I'm really like, this sex is amazing. Is probably taking you out of the moment. So I'm just saying, practicing this, learning it, figure out, like, there's little things you could do too. Like I always say when you're having sex, to practice all, engaging all the senses. If you just can't stop that loop of negative thoughts or catastrophic thoughts, just think, wow, my partner's skin feels so great under my hands right now. And I'm smelling my favorite vanilla candle. And, you know, the sheets feel really nice against my skin. And I'm so glad we're playing this playlist because then again, you're not caught in that loop of the past and the future. And the longer that you practice it, it is great. So if you don't want to do it during sex, do it in the shower. Like, I think a shower is a great place to also practice, you know, every time you shower. Or even if it's twice a week, you guys. Cause I know whenever I tell myself I'm gonna do something, every time I brush my teeth and do my kaggles, it like does. Doesn't work. But in the shower, even neck, if you do this once, think about it, like, how does the water feel on you? How does it feel like the soap? What does it smell like? Do you love the scent of your shampoo? And you're just in the moment and I do that. Cause sometimes I'll get in the shower and I'm stressed about something and very calming for me. And I never really connected that. But when you're in the shower, your senses are all being stimulated. So that's a great time to practice it. If you don't, if you've never done this kind of practice, we all take showers. I know you're gonna probably have a shower today or tomorrow. So just practice being mindful in the shower and then you can take it into your sex life. And I'm not saying you gotta change everything you're doing, even if you remember once the next time you're having sex, to be mindful. That is great. That's a great progress. So I'm not gonna say you have to be spiritual. You don't have to buy some incense and go all woo woo. I'm just saying this is gonna help. You probably have more, have better sex and kind of take away A lot of those challenges you might be experiencing, because that's what I'm all about, you guys. I want you to have mindful, amazing, satisfying sex. That's what I want. If you're in a long distance relationship. I thought this was interesting. Has tech ushered in a golden age of long distance dating? Because when you think about it, long distance relationships, and I'm not saying here's my caveat, I still think if you're in a long distance relationship, it's good to have a plan for when you're going to be living in the same city. So long distance relationships that go on and on and on and oh, I want her to move here and she won't. She said she's going to move here. I think it's good to have an endpoint when you're going to be in the same place. But this says that since, you know all the technology now, there's so much we can do. It used to just be we could a phone call or we could write a letter, but now we can text, we can email, we can FaceTime. You can send your partner something on Amazon prime that arrives the very next day. You can watch movies at the same time on like you'd be sitting there on FaceTime. And you can both like start a movie at the same time and watch it so it's like you're together. So is it the golden age of long distance dating? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it's a better time to incorporate all this stuff into your relationship. I think also since we're so. There's so many different ways to communicate now and like talking or even FaceTime. Like when I FaceTime with people, I feel like not even boyfriends. But FaceTime has been great because you're really like, you're right. Like my nieces. Like, I feel like I'm seeing them because I'm talking to them. Just more intimacy, the act of talking or looking to each other's eyes. Even if you're long distance, it really enhances intimacy. And you know, you can have more satisfaction. You can be more intimate and talk about things that maybe you wouldn't talk about if you saw each other every single day. The other thing is you guys, you know, I'm a huge fan of sex toys. We Vibe makes this app called We Connect. I don't know if I've talked about this lately, but it's so cool. I mean, I just use this with my partner. We've been using it again. Cause I just like, I showed it to him, he's like, wow, this is so cool. But when you're long distance, the We Connect app works on a lot of the we Vibe toys and it has an app. We Connect is an app that you can use within it where you can actually launch it. It's kind of like FaceTime. So you could be looking at each other, you could have a toy on you and your partner could be controlling it from anywhere in the world. And if you're both on wifi, you can connect it. So just really hot. And I'm actually really into it for just controlling my toy. I don't even want to use the buttons anymore. I only want to use this app because it's really, really cool. But the fact that you could basically have sex, they could be wearing like the pivot ring and you could be wearing the. The bloom inside of you and they are looking at it and controlling it. The point is, if you're in a long distance relationship, I guess there's a lot of different ways now technology is on your side. It can help you. You guys, I'm not saying you have to be into long distance relationships. I used to like them because I was just like, God, I'm so busy. I don't really want to be with anyone all the time. But, you know, I think we go through different stages in our life. But if you are in a long distance relationship, apparently it's the golden age of it. And there's a lot of different ways to connect and still feel like you are with your partner even when you're not. Okay, guys, now we're going to get into your calls and emails. But first, a quick shout out to our sponsors. Thanks for supporting them and we'll be right back.

Okay, guys, I love answering your questions. And if you want a question answered on the show, you can text ask Emily all one word to 797-979. Fill out the short form, put a yes where you'd like to be called. And we also love our call shows. They're so fun. So if you want to be called, that's great. You can even use a fake name. We don't care. We just want to help you. You can also go to sex with emily.com click on the Ask Emily tab. And as always, no matter how you ask me, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks. We have Myra. She's 24 from Mississippi and she wants to orgasm but feels weird about masturbating. Hey, Myra, how are you?

I'm good. How Are you Emily?

I'm so good. Okay, tell me about this masturbation. What's going on with your feelings and your history? Tell me a little bit.

I have a pretty long history in sexual abuse and so I think maybe that contributes to the fact that masturbation to me just feels not specifically wrong. Like I don't have a problem with it. I just think it's a little weird when I do it.

I get it. Yeah. Okay. Because of trauma. Because you had sexual trauma as a child. Okay, got it. So have you ever had an orgasm?

No.

Never.

Okay. Okay. Well, I think. Well, first of all, have you had been treated for the trauma? Have you gone to therapy? Have you talked to anyone about it?

When I was a little younger, I did probably about.

Six or so years ago. I did though I. I found out early on that my therapist really wasn't for me and.

Right. That happens.

Life caught up to me after that and I just never got a chance to get back to it.

Okay, so did you just go a few times?

I think I. I did it for about three months or so. Going every once in a while. Yeah.

Got it. Okay. Because that's the thing with therapy. It's like, seems like a hassle, but when you get into it and you find someone you like, like I always tell people when they go to therapist, like go to three people or go to two and. Because you always get something out of it because then they make you, they make you pay. It's not like you get the first time free, but you always get something out of therapy. Right. It's like if you just went to the trying out gyms and you work out, you're still going to get a workout, you're still going to get therapy. So I would say it's really important to get into some good treatment because that could just be a part of this. Right. Like it does and it changes. You went six years ago. You know, I'm saying, like our life changes and it just goes good. Like getting therapy in my 20s and going every day, you know, every week for like a year, you know, you missed some weeks, but it was like the best thing I ever did. So I'm just gonna say with trauma, that is really hard to get past this stuff. So that's just one thing. And you know, to put that to let you know that it is important to find someone that you feel comfortable with. So as far as is masturbating, so it just feels weird to you. Like it just doesn't feel anything. You don't Feel anything kind of like scratching our own back. Doesn't feel good. Like, is that. It literally doesn't feel good or is it. Yeah, I get it. But is it in your head, right? You're like, what, I just want someone else to touch me. Is there anything when you're sitting, then you're trying to masturbate, like, is it more like it doesn't feel anything? Or in your head, are you thinking, like, this is weird, or, why am I doing this? Like, can you kind of think about what happens?

I would say it's definitely more so that I don't feel much of anything towards it. When, like, you said when. When it's just me, it's. It's kind of like. Not that it's weird or anything. It's just. It doesn't. It doesn't feel Correct. I'm not sure. Like, I feel like somebody else should be doing it.

Right. Because that's always sounds like that might have been, like, your experience, your primary experience with sex and sexual touch. So that's why I'm thinking, like, to kind of relearn this stuff now. Do you. You're in a relationship, right?

Yeah.

Okay. And. And your partner knows that you haven't orgasmed. Is that true? Or if you.

Right.

Okay. I'm really all for your masturbation on your own, but it's not such a bad thing if you guys do some mutual masturbation. Or what if he's next to you and he's masturbating and, like, you're masturbating as well? Because the thing about it is when we just go in cold to masturbation, like, literally, like, without thinking about sex, or you're not watching porn or you're not thinking anything sexy or you don't. Fantasies. Like, I don't know what your mind's doing, but when we think we should start touching ourselves and we're not ready for sex, it doesn't feel that great. But once you start to get into that mindset, that might help you. So if your partner's there and you guys are, like, making out and there's some foreplay and then you kind of do some kind of mutual masturbation, or he can help you as well. And maybe once you have that, or once you get there, maybe you need, like, a partner in this and he can kind of help you with it. It sounds like he's game. Right? So. Right.

Yeah.

Okay. Have you tried toys?

Just a couple. Not many.

Tried a couple vibrators and. As well as a couple Dildos and such like that.

But I would start with clitoral vibrators. I wouldn't do the dildos yet. I wouldn't stick anything inside you yet. I was. Because the magic about masturbation, it all happens with your clitoris. There's like 8,000 nerve endings there. But direct touching it, like the little nub doesn't feel good. Like, it doesn't. Like just to touch it without lube and without warm up and prep. Well, the first thing I really would love for you is to just on your own, like, even if you do it like 15 minutes a night before you go to bed or in the morning when you wake up and you get used to touching yourself again without the goal of orgasm, because it might take you a while. Like, I had a friend in college and she was going away on internships when she was like 20, and she's like, I'm gonna figure this out. And she went away and like every night she masturbated for like 30 days. And she finally had one like the fourth week. So I'm saying is that there's a lot of time. It can take a while. It can take some time to get to know your body. It could take you months, it might take you two weeks of you're gonna get there. So getting past it, like, I don't feel anything and just saying, like, I'm gonna try this, I'm gonna try different kinds of touch. I'm gonna use lube. I'm gonna warm myself up by like thinking sexy thoughts or reading erotica or just like putting your hands over your body and just really paying attention to getting outta your head and seeing, like, how does it feel when I touch my arm or what nerve endings are tingling and just kind of like get into your body more and breathing a lot and just staying in the moment, kind of making yourself stay there with it because you can get past this. Like I said, therapy is important, but there like, like masturbation is just. It is a learned thing. Like, you have to meet some people, young girls. I wasn't like this either. I didn't just start masturbating when I was like 8 years old or riding a bike and I had an orgasm. That happens to women. I had to like, learn it like 22, 23 when I started masturbating. So I had never done it either. And I didn't think it was so great, you know, but I had to like kind of stick with it. And I got a toy and I just had to be patient because you're young and there's like different new fun experiences that you're gonna start feeling yourself and think, oh, that's what an orgasm. You know, that's what it feels like to be touched here. So I think a combination of on and bringing your partner into it without the goal, like, you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. And going slow and knowing that it could take a little bit of time, but that's part of the fun of exploring. So I would just, like, slow down and kind of sit there through the weird feelings.

Right. Well, that's definitely something that, that I agree that I should probably try more often is oftentimes I'll try and I'll try and try. And then I'm like, well, and then I get frustrated and then I'll stop for a while and then I'll go back to trying. And then I think my thing mainly is just like you said, if, if I were to go out and get help, that would also help as well. But also being more open about it.

Yeah. Because there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, I tell women all the time, like, I. 20 times a day I talk to women. I'm like, you know, our friends or everyone. But if we. Masturbation is the most important part of having a healthy sex life, especially for women. Like, we require it, we need it. Like, it, it fuels everything else. Like, it's part of. Helps with depression, helps our moods clear up our skin, and it helps us understand our bodies. And when you're just starting out, like, it's gonna take a little time. It's like going to the tiny gym. Going to the gym, being like, oh, these weights are too heavy. I'm leaving and never going back. Right. You gotta build it up. You gotta build up that. Like, you know that the tools, like your toolkit, like your sexual toolkit. So, yeah, stick with it. Like set a timer, read a rot. Like, read one chapter in a book that turns you on. Like, try to put something in place so you can try it out. Like, try to do it every day or five days a week for the next few weeks and then see where you got. Because you will make progress. You won't keep feeling nothing. So we're going to try to get you from feeling nothing to feeling something and just know that's our only goal. Not orgasm, just feeling something in your body and waking it up again. Because the other thing that happens with trauma is that we can shut down emotions tied to touch too. Like, you just might be, you know, like you just might have kind of shut down a lot of things. So touch to your body might not feel great right now because it's a learned response. So the more you can breathe through things and bring in loving touch and acceptance and loving yourself will help you open up.

So it just takes a little practice.

Yeah, that sounds, that sounds a lot better coming from someone else than as doing research and hearing things here and there about that kind of situation. But that definitely makes a lot of sense.

Yeah. No, I mean it. I know, I'm a doctor. I've got a lot of research down. I'm telling you, listen to your whole story. I think that's what you need because there's nothing wrong with you at all. Just means that you're not there yet and that's fine. Like, you know, it hasn't gotten there yet. But this is part of the, like, this is part of the fun experience because you will get right. Okay? So tonight. Thank you. Go to bed. You're so welcome. You're so welcome. You deserve it, you know, it's part of your self care and it'll change everything else in your life, I promise. Oh, well, that's what I'm hoping. How about that, right? It'll have an impact. Okay. Myra, thank you so much for calling. Have a great night.

All right, thank you. You take.

Bye. Yeah, you guys, I can't say it enough. I cannot talk about masturbation enough. Because really it is just. We got to get over the shame. I know it can take some time, but without the goal of orgasm, we are blessed with this Clitoris, you guys. 8,000 nerve endings. The only reason it exists is for our pleasure. That's it. That's the only reason. So, you know, it might take a little time to get to the treasures beneath it, but let your fingers do the walking, do a toy, use your partner's fingers, whatever you got to do to put that time into self love and self discovery. Eventually, explosive orgasms. We have Nicole. She's 26, from Miami, and the honeymoon phase is over, sex is bad, and she's debating on leaving the relationship. I'm glad you called. Hey, Nicole.

Hi, Emily. Thank you so much for taking my call.

Of course. Tell me what's going on.

Okay, so to give you some context, I'm 26, my boyfriend is 29. We've known each other for about six years, have dated for three and lived together for about a year and a half.

Okay.

In the beginning, the sex was good. There was chemistry, passion, I, you know, orgasm, enduring sex. It Was even fun the first couple months we moved in together. But about a couple months ago, I just. I don't know what happened. We started having less and less sex. I wasn't orgasming. He would definitely try to please me before and after, you know, with oral or with his finger. I've told him that I've had trouble orgasming during sex. And I think maybe it's because he just.

Too quickly.

You know, it'd be in and out, and that was it. And it just made me really disappointed. And it would make me unattracted to him.

Right.

A little bit. So he knows the struggles that I've been dealing with. And he even bought a vibrator. And I can tell he's definitely attracted to me and he wants to make out with me, but I don't want to do anything.

Here's my question for you. You said a few things changed a few months ago. What happened a few months ago? Did you, like, someone lose their job or was there something stressful that happened? A death in the family? Did something happen? You guys gonna fight?

Well, he was still in school up until about May, and he was going through finals. There was tests he had to take, and, like, we just weren't together a lot of the time, and we wouldn't have sex a lot of the time. Like, there was just no even, like, emotional connection. Like, we would just be roommates, basically.

Right, that happens.

Yeah.

Okay, so it kind of sounds like it switched. So maybe you guys got rekindle that intimacy and, like, take the sex off the table. Like, the fact that you guys have great chemistry even though you don't feel it now, I know that feeling. Like, I know that feeling when you're like, how did I ever like this person? Because everything they do is annoying to me. It switches on a dime. But I'm gonna tell you that this is the natural ebb and flow of a relationship. They call it the honeymoon phase, because everyone goes through it, and then it ends. It's a phase. And then you get to the part of the real relationship where you're living together, and there's other things that come before your sex life, like sexual school or work or, you know, so. So I feel like you guys have to work on, like, making time for the two of you doing the things that you love doing. So, you know, if you guys could take. I don't know what you guys love doing, but it could be even taking a vacation, a night away, or, like, just going back to the making out and the foreplay and the teasing and just forget about the sex right now. Like, take it. You give each other sensual massages. Build that up again.

Yeah, I think we, we haven't done a lot of fun things together in a while. It's kind of just. We go to the grocery store, we're going to work, and then we're having dinner and it's nothing like we do anything exciting anymore.

Right. So that is it. Yeah. Like planning a date because I, you know, I know everyone's busy or maybe like you're thinking like financially, can we do it? But really like picking. Even if you're going to a dinner and a movie or there's a band coming, his favorite, you know, bands come in town or whatever. So I think just finding something that you guys can look forward to. Maybe you each take turns like planning a date night once a week or like having something look forward to is. Is real. Like we all need that. And I think it's so easy to get into the day to day of like the grocery store, the laundry, your favorite next Netflix shows. So. Yeah. Because that stuff is gonna, that's gonna help you remember why you fell in love in the first place. When you're out and you're having fun and you're not just at home. Because when you live together, you look around and it's like it becomes a place that you're living and there's nothing sexy about it. You're seeing them go to the bathroom, you see them in the morning. You know, it's just like brushing their teeth and it's like there's not that you got. This is the part when I say it takes work. And I wish I could think of another name for it, but it's because work sounds like it's right work. But it really, it's a good effort. It's just so important. So I think talking to him, letting him know that you want to like, bring back the intimacy and the fun and the playfulness will kind of lead to the sex. And like, you know, I think that you could try all the things I talk about, like taking it off the table and have them go down anymore, make out more. But it sounds like you guys need to have some more fun. Especially if he's been studying at finals and that kind of turned it because once it gets on that path, you can be like, I don't even remember what it was like before. So what do you think about that?

Yeah, no, I think that's a great idea. I've been thinking that we needed to spend more Time together, like, outside of the house. And not just think like, oh, because we live together. We're always together. It's like, now we need to go have fun together.

Yeah, you really do.

Perfect.

Yep. That's what I'm telling you. It'll make such a difference. Just do anything, you realize. Just little things like that make a huge difference. So don't break up with them. Don't run away. Just try and have some more fun together. Okay. Like it was at the beginning.

Okay, bye.

Nicole, thanks for calling. You got this.

Thank you so much.

Bye. Have a good night. Thanks, you guys. It's so true. I think, that we forget. We forget about those things that. Why we fell in love in the first place. And the things that we used to do at the beginning. And we're like, well, that can't be it. But we're in love and we're living together. Remember, you guys, when things are so familiar. Familiar. And things become rote, we're no longer like it no longer has the newness and the excitement and the unpredictability that was there early on. So you got to bring that back. You have to try novel things together. Go to a new restaurant, go to a new movie. Like, that's all the stuff that was happening at the beginning. You were discovering each other. You were trying new things so you could still have a rediscovery of your relationship by kind of putting yourself in new situations and trying fun things together. And playing. We forget to play. So couples that play together stay together. Okay, we have Sarah. She's 30 from Washington, and she wants to give her partner oral, but he won't let her. Hey, Sarah.

Hi, Emily.

Hi. So good to talk to you. Okay, tell me what's going on. A man who doesn't like oral. I know, it's strange.

Yeah. So I've been dating this guy for almost five months now. We're in an exclusive relationship. Our sex life is getting better. There's a lot of chemistry. He's really attentive, really understanding that women need a little bit more time. But he says that he has this preference where he doesn't really like receiving oral or even really like to be touched. And he always puts the shorts on after sex. And he's mentioned, you know, in passing conversations that he's not completely comfortable naked. So I just wonder if there's some sort of underlying issue there, because I've never encountered someone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's a great question. I say it's strange. It does happen. We don't Hear about it a lot. Like, I hear more from women who are too sensitive than men. So how much do you know about his sexual history? So I know he was married before, right?

So he was married for about 14 years. And then he's been divorced for about almost two years.

Okay.

And dated maybe four or five people since.

Okay. First of all, how is his, like, is his body, like, to you, like you're attracted to him and his penis works fine, you know, Definitely attracted him completely.

Yeah.

Okay. I mean, honestly, it's kind of like I would say that he probably had some kind of trauma. It could be psychological, it could be physical. Maybe he had a woman who said he. She didn't like how he, you know, tasted once when he was in high school. I mean, these little things could set up triggers for a lifetime. Or maybe he. Who knows? He came when he didn't want to, during oral. Or maybe he even had some kind of sexual abuse. I'm not sure what it is, but if you guys are in a comfortable space, you know, without shaming him, just ask him, like, curiously, like, has it always been this way? Did you ever like oral sex? You know, you could ask him again from a way that's very loving, not having the conversation in the bedroom, but I really don't think it's nothing that you're doing. And the reason why men report they don't like oral is the same reasons why women don't love oral. Like, like I said, he might have had a bad experience. Maybe it is too sensitive to touch. He may think that you're not really into it because again, he just might have that belief. Or one woman said she wasn't into it. So if maybe his ex wife wasn't into it. Right. And so then all those years he was with her, he got. He convinced himself he didn't like oral sex. So I wouldn't, like, force it on him, of course, and be like, let me do it. But I think, like, when you're not in the bedroom, having a conversation about your sexual history or experiences might be interesting to you to learn a little bit more. Because it sounds to me like there's probably something going on. I'm not concerned about it. But if he's open, you know, there's ways that he could maybe, you know, you could learn to touch it again, like through a hand job and using lots of Luba. Maybe he could build up to it if he's down for it. But I think that it sounds like something else might have happened. What do you think about that, yeah.

No, he, he's definitely open to talking about it. And I've, I've explained to him so that to me, you know, being able to receive is sort of being vulnerable. And so I want to give because I want him to also be vulnerable. And it's a give and take when he, you know, does it to me. So I think he understands it from that point, but still just sort of comes back with, yeah, it's just never been good, right?

Well, see the. Right. And then you're like, let me show you good, right? Like as women were like, never been good, I'm going to be the one. So I think that it sounds like maybe it wasn't good or he. Who knows how we turn things in our mind and it becomes like, Orel's never good, but I think he probably had one experience, maybe it wasn't good. Maybe someone bit him with his teeth. I mean, you hear these stories, like it could have been something, like, who knows? And so I think you could say, was it ever good? Like, did something happen? And then you could find out and then you guys can build again. Maybe it's through light touching or maybe you just, you know, the tip's really sensitive. You could use your hand and then start to kiss the tip. So if he's open to it, once he talks about it, it might, might take a lot of the charge out of it for him and maybe he'd be willing to kind of try again.

Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll definitely bring it up with him again.

Okay, cool. Yeah, that's what you gotta do. It's talking. Communication is a lubrication. We just need more information. But again, this happens with guys and you're not doing anything wrong, so.

Great. Well, thank you so much, Emily. I'm a loyal listener of your show.

Oh, thank you, Sarah. I so appreciate it. I love hearing from you. Call back, let me know how it goes. Or I'm always here for questions.

Okay, great.

Okay, have a good day. Thanks, Sarah. Bye. I like questions like this because we often hear women, they're not, you know, they're too sensitive and oral sex. And for some women they really are too sensitive. A lot of women who are multi orgasmic, they don't like oral sex. But for men, we don't hear about it as often. And like a lot of sexual challenges we have have to do with some emotional thing that happened to us. Or it could be physical pain and we gotta just get to the bottom of it, talk to our partners. Remember you guys outside the bedroom In a neutral environment, people wanna talk about these things, but they're not often asked the question. So asking in a thoughtful way can really yield us a lot of the answers that we need to have healthy sex. Jess, 28, Ohio. Dear Emily, I'm in a loving, communicative relationship with a partner I am very attracted to, who also happens to be my best friend. I feel very blessed. However, in the 11 months we've been living together, I've noticed a frustration come up for me. It seems like he's just constantly trying to sexualize our interactions. It's hard for me to kiss him sometimes because it will inevitably turn into him trying to take it from further. We've always had amazing sex and average about two to three times a day in the beginning. While I do have a generally very high sex drive, it's cooled off since then, mostly because I just don't have the time to have sex all day. I like doing other things too. I don't like withdrawing, withholding affection from him because I love kissing and loving and love touch. I don't want him to feel that I'm drifting away because of the decline in physical affection. But I found that the line between loving touch and sexual touch becomes blurred very quickly. I tried to bring it up lightly, sometimes saying things like, can't we just kiss, cuddle right now? Which he respects in the moment. But it's a challenge for me to have to say that as often as I do. I'm wondering if this is comment and how to handle it. Thanks for the insight. Okay. Jess? Yes. I'm so glad you brought this up because this is really common, I have to say. I was just having this conversation with girlfriends, you know, like a few months ago, and she was saying, you know, I feel like every time I see my partner, he, like, is grabs her and it's just for a sec, like, I'll grab her butt. And she's like, oh. When she gets this, she says, my stomach drops because I think I just came home from work or I'm putting the kids down or something's happening. And she's like, I just don't want to have sex. And so as a result, to deal with it, she pushed him away. So, yes, I think what happens is when couples don't actually talk about this, when you reject your partner sexually, and that's, you know, when you don't want to have sex your partner, no matter what, even if you're having sex two to three times a day, and the third time you don't want to have it, they're going to experience rejection, and then you're going to be pushing them away. So a new dynamic is getting developed where your partner feels not desirable. You're withholding affection because you think every time you're together, it's going to turn into sex. So this is really common, and we have to nip this in the bud. So what I think you have to do, Just let him know that you love him, you love having sex with him, and that sometimes you just. You just need to make out and cuddle. And I know that you're doing that, but here's my. How I want you to rephrase this. Okay, Jess, when you say to him, why can't we just kiss and cuddle right now? Can't we just. In that moment, you have to understand when you're doing it, and you might have said this to him 10 times, he's feeling rejection, he's feeling vulnerable, and so he's probably not listening to what you're saying. He's like, oh, God, she's rejecting me again. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm telling you because it's the human condition. So talking about it when it's happening in the moment is not the time when people learn. You have to let him know that. Again, like I always say, I'm gonna say it on every single show. Not during sex, not right when it happens, but in the morning when you're having breakfast, on the weekends, casual time downtime, when it's just you guys are hanging out. You could say I've been thinking about this a lot. You know, I love. You love sex life, and I understand that. You know, I love our kissing and our intimacy. However, if you. Sometimes I don't. When you grab me or you wanna have sex right away, I'm not in the mood. I feel like my only thing to do is to push you away because I don't wanna have sex at that moment. It would mean a lot to me and just tell them what you said to me. It'd be a lot to me if cuddle and kiss and make out and not have it be about sex. And since you've been together for a while, it's okay to schedule sex. I'm a huge fan of it. Scheduling sex. Take sex off the table. So you could maybe just have a night of touching and massage and build up to it again. So I think that he's going to understand, after you have this real heartfelt conversation with him, the difference between just kind of wanting touch and intimacy and actually having sex with him. And I'm glad. I'm glad you're noticing it. And I think this can definitely be reversed. And you guys can be both be satisfied. And also, a lot of us get so attached to those first few months of a relationship. That's how we call it the honeymoon phase. Because it feels so good. And to oftentimes, that's what we have put on this pedestal. It's when we were falling in love and everything was new. And I think when we spend our entire relationship constantly reflecting back to this unrealistic time, that's never coming back. I'm sorry, guys. It's not coming back. You can have something that's really deep and beautiful and have longevity in a relationship, and you're still never going to feel how you felt those first three months. So that's what I'm saying. To think about the two to three times a week. And you're constantly failing now because you're not having sex two to three times a day. No one can keep that up. Nobody, Nobody, Nobody. So, Jess, it's cool. You don't apologize about that. Just keep building a healthy, strong relationship. Sexual relationship and relationship going forward. This is from Nancy, 24, California. Hello. I recently discovered a type of search porn called Gemini Men. I vaguely understand, and I wanted to know if you could explain it better. I saw my boyfriend had searched for it, and I always wondered if he was bisexual. I feel like this confirms my prediction. Do you have any advice on how I could get him to open up about what he likes? Thanks for the help. Okay, Nancy, when I hear that you found something on his phone that confirms anything, I'm gonna say you're wrong. Nothing confirms anything until you actually talk. Talk to your partner. Okay, you guys, whenever you look in someone's phone, you find something. I think we've all done it. It happens or you see something, we're gonna find something that's gonna make us go, huh? What does this really mean? Just talk to him about it. Not even confront, but say, hey, this is what I found. What do you think it means as far as Gemini Men? This is a site that typically posts porn videos of straight men jerking off, stripping down, and playing with dildos. I think there's more. Some more sex scenes in it as well. But it's just kind of amateur porn and does not necessarily mean he's bisexual. Our porn preferences are not necessarily indication of sexual orientation. Okay. A lot of people like watching gay porn. A lot of straight men and women watch gay porn all the time. In fact, it's one of the most common search terms in porn. Doesn't mean that they're gay. So you can start by having the conversation about your fantasies and then ask what his are. You know, that's one of my favorite entrees with a partner to be like, babe, I've been thinking about our sex life. Let me tell you about my fantasies. If you share yours. Either you both write down separately, you swap lists, or you just talk about it. You can let him know that you always fantasized about talking dirty, being tied up, and then hear what he says. You guys remember this. I give you these tips how to have healthy sexual conversations with your partner. And it's not a one time thing. I hope that you guys get excited by these conversations and you continue to have them. Just like you talk about where you're gonna go on your summer vacation and what movies you're gonna watch or your work life, your sex life should be part of the rich and vibrant conversation that you're having with your partner. But I think the fantasies conversation is a great way to start and then you follow up again. Just because you have a conversation once, especially about sex, doesn't mean you've had the conversation in quotes. We have to continue to have these conversations and then eventually it'll become very commonplace in your relationship. That's my hope for you, Nancy, and for everyone listening. Thanks for emailing. Thanks everyone for listening to the show, for supporting us, for emailing us, calling us, telling your friends, reviewing the show. We appreciate it. I appreciate all of you. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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