Getting Past Sexual Hang Ups with Dr. Hernando Chaves

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Oh, a combination of effects. I think people are concerned and there are people that are really distancing themselves from dating. So it's making them both a little frustrated, a little horny. So I think people are turning to apps and a little more, they're kind of recycling old hookups and old dating partners and such. But I find that people are kind of like caged animals, just ready to pounce. And that's not just with going out to restaurants and bars. I mean, I think that's also with dating and sex and hookups. But I think it's going to be a challenge. I think folks are going to be concerned and worried about whether or not once they get back into dating, are they going to expose themselves to people who may have Covid? Are people going to start pre testing for Covid and maybe want relation dating partners who maybe have antibody tests done or they previously their tests come out negative? I think we're going to start seeing people being a lot more concerned about it. And I think we're also going to see folks just throw caution to the wind and just follow their desire and follow their horniness and not really care. So I think we're going to see some extremities.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm joined by Dr. Hernando Chavez to talk about sexual anxieties men have and what to do about it. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include a different way of looking at your partner's foot fetish and how it could actually benefit your relationship. So you love being naked at home with your partner, but now you're parents when you should be talking your kids about sex and nudity around the house. So you're bisexual and conflicted about how to approach finding a partner, what to do, and is it time for divorce when your partner isn't supporting your overall health and wellness? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com we have so many articles and posts on the website to help you have better sex in relationships and social media everywhere. It is Sex with Emily across the board. All right, Intentions with Emily. For each show, I encourage you to join me in setting an intention. You can also do it after the show, but think when you're listening. What do I want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? Maybe it's, well, Dr. Emily, I've had some performance issues and I want to figure out how to get out of my head during sex. Or maybe you have sexual anxiety and you want to get past it. My intention is to show you that you're not alone with any of your sexual concerns. You know, one of the big questions I get is I'm normal. And I promise that you are. We're going to get past it. All right, guys. I hope you enjoy the show. So excited for my guest, Dr. Hernando Chavez. You can find him at Dr. Hernando Chavez, H A V E S dot com. He's a marriage and family therapist. He works with a lot of different clients and focuses on anxiety reduction, mindfulness, sensate focus. You help a lot of people, Hernando. I, I, I love the work you're doing and I'm so glad you're here with me tonight. Thank you. People need you.

You're welcome. And thank you for having me.

Of course. I always want to have you here. I feel like there's a lot more anxiety right now. And we know that sometimes anxiety can sort of manifest in our sex lives and in our relationships. What are is your best tips for people? So we just had a call before you called in, before you called in.

From. It wasn't Todd, but Todd had a masturbation question as well. And we had a guy calling earlier, but he was Bob. And I feel like I'm hearing this, Hernando, and I want to know if you are that. I feel that men of all ages are having more erectile dysfunction, meaning right before they get, right before they get hard and then they lose their erection. And it's men of all ages. I'm hearing men in their 20s and men in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and it used to be I'd hear about men with erectile dysfunction in their 40s and their late 40s, 50s, but now it's like men of all ages. And I feel like that's anxiety. What's your take on it? Why, why are we seeing penises having so many problems right now?

You know, in the land. Medical issues.

Yeah.

Not just Covid. Yeah. Even before COVID you know, people have been having struggles with anxiety and how it impacts their sexual selves and their sexual functioning. For erection specifically, I think we first have to rule out any medical issues. And if we can do that, then we can look at the psychological, which is typically anywhere from 75 to 90% of the issues that we see in sex therapy offices. A lot of times it's anxiety based. And for many people, because we are distancing ourselves from, let's say, that interpersonal connection, whether it's in person, meetings, in person, sort of conversations, we're reverting more to texting and apps and sort of these, you know, let's say sexual release via porn. I think we're losing some of our ability to face and challenge some of the discomfort of being in the moment with people. You know, the interpersonal sort of anxiety that I think in the past we had much more of an opportunity to face and conquer. So you do see a lot of anxiety induced sexual concerns that people experience. And what I'm seeing is that, you know, a lot of people try to blame it on something. Is it porn that's doing it? And we see that research suggests that it's not porn that is causing this. So we have to start looking at the self and how can we create anxiety reduction within ourselves? For a lot of people, it's about self care and mindfulness. So mindfulness can be about trying to slow down, slow the mind, slow the body, be present in the moment. For a lot of people, that can be anything from meditation to yoga to sitting still and just allowing themselves to breathe. And then we also have to do other things to help reduce our anxiety externally, like inbox anxiety, for example. We've got to take care of work, take care of our inbox. The things that linger in our heads as we start to become sexual start to become blocks that sort of inhibit our ability to truly be sexual, whether it's desire or erectile functioning. And then we've got to communicate more with our partners. There's a lot of need for us to share with our pleasures, with our desires, with our fantasies, maybe even our worries. And then with each other, we can work together to create reassurance and to create more of an open communication that makes people feel more relaxed. So how do we create really more relaxation in our lives?

Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's just become home. And the inbox never is never stopping. Our phones, the demands of work and life, it's really of work and home. It's just hard to separate. So I feel like maybe 20 years ago, were we getting as many people talking about anxiety? You know, was it as much of a thing we weren't as distracted or 30 years ago, even before our phones and all the communication. It's just, I feel like that is the big thing that we all have to work on and it would, it would impact every other area of our life. It would have a huge change if we could just be more mindful and work on this. So thank you for that, Hernando. I'm just wondering if you're seeing that as well, because it's like performance anxiety. Actually had an email here I was going to read you. And it's pretty much that, that people are worrying so this is from. And you guys call us with any of your questions. Triple 894-782-77. This is from Sarah, 26 in Ohio. Dr. EMILY My question is in regards to my husband's performance anxiety. We've been married for three years now, together for seven. We've had successfully, we've had sex successfully a handful of times over the last couple months. But most of the time it starts hot and heavy. He gets aroused and then during foreplay loses erection, gets frustrated and stops. He says he's a hard time concentrating during foreplay because he's worrying about whether he'll be able to stay hard. I've been understanding and comforting. I've asked him about doing meditation and talking to a therapist. He says it's something he needs to work on just to get out of his head. She says there's also a link between this timing of this happening and me going off the pill because maybe because we're trying to conceive, you know, let me know what you think. Dr. Emily thanks for your help. So again that sounds like it's anxiety all around. Maybe he's nervous about becoming a dad now because she's off the pill. Who knows, right? It's the same thing. And, and, and to say someone that I'm going to go to the doctor and learn about mindfulness. What I've learned in 25 years of meditating is it's a practice. And it's still, it's not like you ever nail it. You're never like I've got man mindfulness down. It's like saying I've under, I've conquered eating. Like you always need to eat and you have to be mindful. So what do we do in these situations?

I've always tried to use my clients strengths as ways to create metaphors for them to understand. And for example, with something like mindfulness practices, meditation practices, it takes practice to get more of a sense of mastery. But we never fully sort of master it. It's almost like playing sports. You've got to practice in order to feel comfortable and competent and have confidence when you play in those games. And the more you practice and the more mindful you are with that practice. So does that bode better for your quote unquote performance? What I find a lot of guys and people in general experience is a lot of mental noise that inside of their minds there is a negative feedback loop of negative thoughts, of worries, of frustrations, of fears. And we start replaying them over and over again. And it's this Self fulfilling prophecy inside of our heads cognitively that replays this in the moment. Fearing erection, fearing not being able to orgasm, not being able to please our partners, fearing that our penis is too small or not adequate. And then we are now creating this negative sort of Persona and psyche within our sex lives. And then it all sudden happens. And I think we actually kind of propel and perpetuate it. You know, if you look at sort of placebo effects, about 50% of the time we can will ourselves to what we're sort of focusing and thinking on. So I've always encouraged people, we've got to work on the self talk and also the mindful relaxation in the moment to cut our thoughts and thought, stop to move ourselves away from that negative path of those negative feedback loops and start giving ourselves a little bit of breaks. Because the reality is that erections come and go during sex, that most men during foreplay or most penis owners during cunnilingus will experience a loss of erection, maybe partially or totally. And it'll come back, I promise it'll come back.

Exactly. It's not like it's gone.

We're not going to put it on the back of a milk card. It will come back if you just give it some space.

That's exactly what I'm thinking. They're like.

Have you seen my erect member on the back of a milk cart? Exactly. People are like, it's gone and we better just wrap up or what am I going to do? And it's like, no, if you just kind of breathe into it and you don't get attached to the fact like it comes and it goes, it comes and it goes. And I wish we could look at sex as more of a practice as well. Rather than I'm erect now, I'm going to go for it and it's okay. Giving men permission that your penis is not always going to be the same.

Perform the same and you can eroticize it too. I mean, if your erection sort of disappears on you during foreplay, I mean, if you ever had a blowjob where somebody starts performing oral sex on you while you're flaccid and they kind of grow in their mouth, I mean, that's kind of fun. Like, why not just be creative and take it in stride and just go with the flow and things will regain sort of that you'll get back on the path if you just give yourself that opportunity.

I'm a fan of a flaccid penis. Like, I'm like, okay, give it to me. I can Work with this. Like, I think you're like, oh, it's not like you can work with it again. It's kind of nice if it gets harder in your mouth or when you're doing other things. Nothing to be afraid of. The flaccidness.

You guys really appreciate that. We love you, Emily.

I know you do. I love you too, Hernando. Dr. Hernando, what is going to happen with dating and COVID 19? Well, what are you hearing now? You're quarantined alone? I'm quarantined single. What are you hearing from the people?

Oh, you know, I'm hearing people. There's. There's a combination of effects. I think people are concerned and there are people that are really distancing themselves from dating. So it's making them both a little frustrated, a little horny. So I think people are turning to apps and a little more. They're kind of recycling old hookups and old dating partners and such. But I find that people are kind of like caged animals just ready to pounce. And that's not just with going out to restaurants and bars. I mean, I think that's also with dating and sex and hookups. I personally, I stay on the dating apps. It's kind of like my own social, like, sociological experiment to see what's going on there. And you see a lot of folks still wanting to date. But I'm also seeing people saying, I want to quarantine now to get to know you. And then we can date once it's, you know, safe to go outside. But I think it's going to be a challenge. I think folks are going to be concerned and worried about whether or not once they get back into dating, are they going to expose themselves to people who may have know Covid? Are people going to start pre testing for Covid and maybe want relation dating partners who maybe have antibody tests done or they previously, you know, or their tests come out negative. I think we're going to start seeing people being a lot more concerned about it. And I think we're also going to see folks just throw caution to the wind and just follow their desire and follow their horniness and not really care. So I think we're going to see some extremities.

I think we are going to see some extremes. Well, this reminds me of it. This came in from Instagram. Hi, Dr. Emily. I love your stuff. I would love to ask you a question, suggest a topic. I am so starved for sex and physical contact when we're all let out of Our cages. I am seriously considering finding an orgy or a sex group to join. Where does one look for that sort of thing? Any recommendations or advice? Thanks, Hernanda. Do you think we're gonna see people running out and joining orgies? Like I would jump into the first orgy I see.

I mean, I think. I think they're gonna be some folks that are gonna, you know, really be seeking it out and they're gonna. To the end of the earth. They're gonna find, you know, whatever opportunity can be, can be had. I even joked around with a friend. I'm like, I texted my friend, actually, Jessica Drake, you know, I love Jessica, you know, of a COVID 19 glory hole. Because that's all I feel comfortable with right now as a joke. But.

I think, I think that, you know, for that particular person online, I don't know what city they're in, what area they're in, but you definitely want to start looking in some of the dungeons, the sex box of communities, maybe typing your city's name in Google + Swinger +.

BDSM + Dungeon + Sex Club. I mean, all these different searches will find hopefully something within your.

City. But I also encourage people, why wait until we get out? Why not get online? Like we're all on Zoom? Yeah, Use the cam girls. The cam girls are all wonderful in the sense that they're there to provide a service to get you off to, you know, for people to explore sex work in a safe and healthy manner. And it could be something economical as well too. And you could really enjoy yourself. There's something called OnlyFans that a lot of sex workers. Oh, yeah, it's on your phone. You can download it and then you can purchase people's individual sort of OnlyFans profile for five, ten dollars, whatever they charge. And you can see all their videos, all their, you know, pictures. You can text them, you can chat with them. I mean, think it's an opportunity for us to maybe take our sexuality into a more technological level right now?

Well, yeah, I guess so. If you've never done that before, then it's. It's an outlet and it's. It's connection, I guess. I guess it's closer. You know, you can't have the actual connection. So you're. I've never done a cam girl, so I don't, I don't. I know that it's. People are using a lot of them right now to kind of feel that intimacy. Because you get more of the one on one than just a one way. Watching, watching Porn. But I would also say recommend. Like, do you feel like, like. Because the reason why I read this, because I this is exactly what you're saying is like there's gonna be extremes. Like when you're starving, like if you go on a diet and you're like, I'm not having any chocolate. And then the second you go off it, you're like, give me all the cookies. It's like extremes. We're starving for sex. So people are gonna go out and be maybe a little bit more reckless. But, but what do you. So I would caution, just let him know I want him to be monitor that like sort of swing that he's doing here because that could also be dangerous. Yeah.

And I appreciate you bringing up some boundaries and some risk reduction because that's always, always should be in our considerations.

Okay, so what are you seeing on the apps though? Since you're monitoring the apps, which is such a great professional move and personal move. I know. Hernandez, you're always on the apps. I can't deal with the apps because texting, because you know, texting is not my strong suit. But are you seeing that there's a whole new pool of daters and people on it? Like, has it been flooded with people?

What I'm seeing is that there's a shift and a change because let's say, for example, a lot of people aren't working and there's a shift in people being able to work at restaurants and a lot of retail and some of our non essential businesses. I'm finding a lot more people online looking to try to make a buck and use it as a business advertisement. So I'm seeing a lot of people reaching out for camming, people reaching out for like sugar baby, sugar daddy relationships. People just sort of, you know, wanting to sell feet pics, pics about their, you know, parts of their bodies, I mean, whatever they're comfortable with in addition to dating. And then I'm also seeing people really kind of feeling lonely. And there's some folks that are really searching for like a quarantine boyfriend or girlfriend or partner. And I think that you know, being spending so much time on our own, I think it's really highlighting people's just, you know, that, that sense of loneliness a lot of us struggle with.

Yeah, definitely. I mean I, I think it's like a lot of us, you know, there's some really, there's some struggles, but then also when you're left to be alone, you kind of can't. There's sort of, you're Sort of faced to deal with a lot of the things that maybe you never wanted to look at in your. In yourself and kind of some, some of the deeper work, which is hard, but also ultimately I think we're looking at like what is essential, what isn't even in the world and in ourselves. Like what, what kind of activities and behavior is no longer service anymore. But it's. It's not easy. So reaching out to people that you love and.

Something I'm feeling myself is touch. Like we already live in a touch deprived society and most people don't experience enough touch in general. But I haven't hugged somebody in like a month. I mean, it's been. I mean, I don't know when the last time you touched people, but it's.

A long time ago. It's been so long. It's been since I6, probably a month, five weeks. I was in Hawaii for a retreat with Pamela Matson. I did a back to the body sex retreat. So there was touching.

Oh, that's great.

But then I went into touching and then I was starved for touch. So there hasn't been touch. Yes. I miss it a lot. I think I've just been working so much. There's sort of a lot of, you know, there's just a lot more work. But you know me, it's like I'll always find work to do. But. But what do you. What's the first thing? Like, what do you want to do when you get out of quarantine? Like, what do you miss? What's the first thing you're going to do?

That's actually one of my icebreakers on the dating apps. It's like one of the top three things you're gonna do once we're out of quarantine.

What are people saying? Yeah, what do you think?

For me, it's gonna be three things. It's gonna be going out for sushi. I just miss it. And I'm gonna go for a hike because they close down all the hiking and I want to go to the beach. I just want to like experience the outdoors. The nature of. I'm lucky that I'm already still seeing some family members. Like, there's another house in my family that I can see other people. So.

Yeah.

But what about you? What would you like to do? Three things or your top thing?

Oh, my God. You know what? You just gave me the idea for sushi. Like, I really miss sushi. Sushi would be amazing. I'm gonna hug everybody. Like literally everybody I see. I just want to Hug. And I want to go. I don't know. I bet I've been outside a lot more, but I've just been walking. So the three things I want to get a massage and then have sex. Is that four? Massage, sex, hug, people, sushi. Maybe we should get sushi. I think the last time I saw you, we had sushi.

Yeah, we should do like, wear our masks and go to sushi together when we get out.

We're going to be wearing masks all the time, huh?

I know.

Here's my question for you also. Oh, yeah, go ahead.

I was going to ask you, like with having sex, with getting massages. I mean, these are all obviously like interpersonal touching experiences. Does the coronavirus, does it impact your wanting of that or will you have any, you know, some boundaries or some risk reduction around it?

I gotta be honest with you. I will probably have some risk reduction around it. And I am not everyone's handling this different. Like, there's some, like we talked earlier, there's some people who are OCD who can't stop washing their hands and they can't stop. I'm not really worried. I am safe. I haven't been seeing people. I go out, I wear a mask. But I also have to live. And I feel like we're all gonna get the virus at some point. I'm taking precautions, but I'm not a fearful person. And so I'm still going to live my life with people who are being safe. And so I think I'll, you know, and I think I'll be okay. I'm not, I'm not gonna worry about it. I feel like most of what we worry about doesn't, doesn't actually happen. So People are extreme right now. Like, people who've never left their house are still worried they're gonna get it when they cough. It's like, like if you haven't left your house and you haven't seen anybody, it's not likely that you have the virus right now. Right. Like, I don't. What about you?

Pretty similar. I'm not going to overly stress, but I'm going to take precautions and feel comfortable with, like, how I'm reducing risk. And then, you know, I have a couple older family members and my parents are over 80, each of them. And, you know, if I decide to have sex with somebody, I'll probably not see them for 14 days and just make sure that I, you know, feel comfortable with definitely my health before I ever see them. And even when I see them, I'll have masks on and we keep a lot of fun.

Hey, Hernando. All right, we're going to take a quick break. Thank you, everybody for supporting our sponsors during this time. I appreciate you. They appreciate you and they've got some fun things right now to help you pass the time. Ok, we're going to get into your email questions. We'll be right back.

All right, let's get into your questions. It's why I'm here on the Planet. I love helping you with all of your sex, relationship, dating questions. You can just email me feedbackexwithemily.com and always just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. All right, thanks, guys. Dear Dr. Emily, how can you tell me it might be best to get a divorce? I suffer from chronic daily headaches that may be attributed to a brain tumor. Currently, it's unknown if that is the cause. With that, I have a very low sex drive that has led to my wife to make comments like I'll go find someone who can get it up or it'll be your fault when I cheat on you. I'm beginning to question if letting her go would be best for her. Any Advice? This is Matt, 33 in Illinois. Oh, Matt, I read this and I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through and you sound like a very kind hearted, open hearted man. The fact that you said, I'm beginning to question if letting her go would be the best for her and I feel like we got to start looking at what would be the best for you. So I'm not going to tell you if it's time to get divorced. But I can say this language from your wife is very harmful and dare I say, abusive.

And it sounds a little bit like gaslighting, like I'll find someone who can. It's your fault when I cheat on you. You know, very opinionated and direct towards shooting you down. And if you don't know that you're ready for divorce yet, I'm assuming that this has been going on for a while. This behavior, I would say before the sex drive was probably happening. Typically there's patterns on our relationship that while it feels right now, it's new and it's the most intense. This is something that if you want to stay together, you're absolutely going to need therapy because there's with this kind of behavior, the way she's talking to you and the way you're responding, I'm going to tell you now that there's no way that you're going to be able to break through and have a healthy conversation with her on your own. Like, you're never going to convince each other to get through this part of it. Also, I would definitely get your libido checked, though, because 33 libido can be a number of things now. Definitely. I'm sorry about your brain tumor. What's going on right now. I mean, that could definitely have an impact. If anything, just for the stress and the anxiety you have around that and the worry. And it could also be testosterone. But again, stress. It sounds like you are in a stressful relationship right now and your health is stressful. I would check out her language. I would see if you want therapy. But, Matt, take care of yourself right now and start to ask yourself this. When do you feel the best? When do you feel supported? When do you feel healthy? And what do you actually need from a relationship to make it feel good to you? Okay, this is from Julie and Tony. So a couple emailed me. They're 43 and 53 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, so here's my dilemma. I met this man and we got to know each other and eventually became intimate. This man's focus, what's on my feet? Let's get one thing straight. I hate my feet. I have big feet, and I don't like anybody touching them or looking at them. He's admiring them, blowing on them, licking them, sucking them, stroking them, not to mention stroking himself. Honestly, I was at a loss for words. The only thing turning me on was watching him stroke himself. So how could I overcome or basically convince myself that my feet are beautiful and then in turn become aroused with this fetish of his? Please help me. All right, Julie and Tony, love that you emailed them together. That's amazing. Love helping couples remember. You can email together or call into my show together. Okay, this takes a moment. Let me just think about this because. So there's a few things going on here. Julie, you probably weren't looking, you know, in this relationship to, like, spice up the love of your feet. You probably hasn't been anything that you've stressed about before. It probably hasn't come up. But now here we are. There's a guy that you're really into because if you weren't, you wouldn't be writing me together. And your mind is telling you this isn't right. I don't like my feet. And so first I want to ask you, is this really about your feet? Is this really that you don't love your feet? Is it something in your Head telling you this feels really wrong. And this isn't what I've learned that sex is about. Is it something else altogether? Because what I'm going to tell you is that what might be interesting is to think about, like, take some deep breaths next time it happens and maybe slow all of this process down, close your eyes, breathe into it and think, well, how does it actually feel with him worshiping a part of my body? Like, what if it was your stomach? What if it was your vulva, your breasts? Would you still be uncomfortable with the singular focus on any part of your body? Because to be honest, we all have challenges around self love and self acceptance. There's parts of our body that we like more than others and parts of ourselves. And that's a lifelong process. Self confidence and doing that work to learn to love your body. We talk about that a lot on the show. But right now I'm getting the sense that this is a little bit more about you learning to receive and kind of closing your eyes and breathing and thinking about next time maybe he does touch you and kiss your feet and look at them, see, how does it actually feel? Because maybe it would actually feel good to you. Maybe you think, oh, wow, there's, you know, because there are a lot of nerve endings there. There are. You know, maybe you could kind of figure out what part of him touching and kissing and blowing actually feels good to you. Now just try this. I'm asking you for a few minutes to try being more present and mindful and really seeing if you breathe and you're present, do the thoughts go away? Does it actually feel good? Now if you tell me, you know what, Emily? No, it didn't feel good. I'm super ticklish and I think it's weird and creepy. Then we can talk about it. But I have a feeling that this is someone you actually emailed me. Together, you want to work on it. Together, you want to work on the relationship. And you get off on him being turned on you, like watching him please himself. So that's why the mode here is getting you into your body and maybe you'll find yourself getting turned on and then he gets to look at you and then this could be a whole foreplay move. So I'm just asking you to challenge this. Suspend your beliefs around what you think it means and see how it feels and then we can go from there. All right, Julie, thank you. And Tony, thank you for your email. This is from Jonathan, 36 in the USA. Dear Dr. Emily, being at home during the coronavirus has led To a bit of introspection. My spouse and I had a child a few years ago. We were both comfortable naked people individually and discussed to what degree we're willing to raise our child in a nude friendly household. We never went to any extremes. We would often be naked before and after showers, briefly around the house when circumstances called for it. She and I read countless articles and advice columns about the benefits of raising children in a nude friendly home, such as body positivity, self confidence, healthy attitudes towards sex and the opposite gender, and so on. Much of the sexual activity the wife and I enjoy begins with us doing the dinner dishes, watching TV, etc. Sex rarely happens in the bedroom and almost always spontaneously occurs in the kitchen, bathroom or living room. If being naked at home is a consistent turn on for us, then is this still possible to enjoy the healthy, happy benefits of our clothes free household? To be clear, the wife and I do not engage in sex acts in view of our child, but we often anticipate her bedtime so we can have the place to ourselves. Am I overthinking this? Do I have reason to be concerned? Jonathan, great question here. I don't think that you're overthinking this at all. In fact, I love that you emailed me with this question because you said it's a few years. Is your child two? Is your child three? You don't give the age here. And so I do think it's getting to the point where you have to have discussions with your child around nudity, around their body parts, around consent, and using the words and education, you know, to follow up on your actions. There's only one part of the world that I know of that actually teaches kids about sex and relationships and their bodies in a really healthy way, and that is in the Netherlands. And in the Netherlands, they start sex ed at like 4. And what they talk about is they name the body parts. They say vulva, they say clitoris, they say penis, shaft, testicles. They teach children about the actual names of their body parts and then they talk about consent. You know, that people should not touch your body unless they have consent to touch your body. And they also talk about pleasure, because if your kids start putting their hands on their genitals or something happens, and rather than shaming them and saying no, that's dirty, that's private. That's the age when kids start having the wrong message around the body parts. Now, I'm not saying that in the Netherlands they're talking to their kids about how you answer a child at age 7 how a baby's made, how and when they're 15 is very different. And they make those distinctions. It's important for you to do that with your child. When is it acceptable to be naked? You know, some of their friends might not be comfortable with it, et cetera. And I really think that the more honest you are with your children about what sex means, what they also do in the Netherlands is they talk about how, you know, like in third or fourth grade when kids start to have crushes on their classmates and things start to come up, they also talk about those emotions on how to handle them. And then they, you know, every year there's a few more lessons that are age appropriate. And what they've shown in those in that country is that kids there are more sexually well adjusted, they have more pleasurable sex, they teach them about pleasure. Because everything we do here in the United States is fear based around sex. Don't get pregnant, don't get an std. But we don't actually talk to our kids about the actual truth about their body parts and what feels good and how to have pleasure. And the truth is our society, most of us are not even caught up with that. We're not comfortable with nudity. We're not comfortable with sexual. So be prepared to talk about it. Be prepared to listen to how your child feels when they're ready to talk about it. And this will only lead to super healthy dialogues in the future. And I just want to say to the parents listening, it's never too late to talk to your child about sex and masturbation and their body parts and even saying things like, I don't know or this was really uncomfortable for me. How I raised, how I was raised, it was really different. And here's some shame I've had about it. You don't have to come off as the expert like this because literally there's very few of us who actually have taken the time to learn this field and to be experts at it. And teachers who are teaching sex ed in schools aren't even experts because what they only teach in schools is abstinence based and, you know, fear based. So we got a long way to go. And why I just, I appreciate this email so much, Jonathan, because, yeah, I just think that you don't need a special training to be a good parent. But what you do know is speak the truth to your kids and make sure that you're listening and you're not just instilling your own beliefs about what you think is true, but what you know, what kind of information can you arm them with that would help them, you know, go on and become adults and make healthy decisions sexually, emotionally and personally. That's your jobs as parents. Thank you, Jonathan. This is from Jules, 30, in Iowa. Dear Dr. Emily, my question is whether I should try and continue my relationship of five years after my girlfriend, 29, broke it off background. We've been together for five years in a long distance relationship. I have a steady job and her job is part time with no benefits. We took turns driving three hours each weekend to see each other. This last year, because of COVID 19, we haven't seen each other in a while. The question of marriage and kids has come up multiple times, causing a lot more problems lately. And she also wants me to move in with her. Moving would require me changing jobs and relocating, which I wouldn't mind, but I have a secure job. I've been promoted and have great benefits and hers isn't as secure. On April 3, she said she was sorry but couldn't do this long distance anymore. On that same day, my office posted a position that would allow you to work from home long term. Great. But she already broke it off. I reach out and tell her about this position and that I'm comfortable applying. I don't want to wait five years just like that without trying something. I appreciate any feedback. Thanks for my long post. All right, Jules. Yeah, that was a long post. But here's the thing. Yeah, I absolutely. If you guys recently broke it off and this is legitimately why you did break it off because you didn't want to leave your job and you didn't want to move like legitimately, like there isn't some other reason in your head that's like, oh yeah, I forgot. I actually these were the other problems as well because typically it's not just one thing. And so I think if you're prepared to go back to her, make sure that you have really thought about it. And I think also you don't have to go in and say I'm back 100%. But you could say this is what happened. I've got this information that you just found out that you can work from home now and that you're interested in giving it a go again. And when this happens, oftentimes we were so excited and thrilled that our partner is coming back into our life that we just say yes. And it feels amazing because we've had that deprivation and we miss them. But if you kind of take it slow, call her and say you hesitated calling and here's why? And then you start to see, could this actually work? Now, is this something we could do? Let's talk about the logistics. Be realistic about what it would look like. Is her house the right place for you to be living home and working at home? You know, get into it, because going back together with someone is a big step, and it's an important decision to make. So just make sure that you have healthy communication. But, yeah, I think if you're telling me it's the only reason why you ended it, then you can't hurt from trying in a healthy way. That's what I think. Thanks, Jules. Okay. This is from Christopher, 45, in Texas. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been dating this girl for about two months. We met on Valentine's Day, and it was the greatest day of my life. My question to you is, due to this coronavirus situation, she's been totally distant from me. To tell you the truth, I've begun to question if she appreciates me or not. How do I know if it's time to move on or stay around a little longer? Thank you very much. Have a nice day. Love the show. I learn a lot when I listen to it. All right, Christopher. This situation has made it really, really hard for people to connect virtually when we're just relying on the phones and a screen. And she might not be able to show her appreciation right now with what's happening. And maybe she's having a lot of anxiety and worry and stress about what's happening in her life, but I can't tell you whether you should move on or you should stay until you can have a healthy conversation with her about what's actually going on and what you're feeling. Have some heartfelt FaceTime calls where you can see each other. And I think you be honest right now and just say, we have no choice right now but to be really honest. I think that we are all realizing that we're in a point where we've all in the same place in the sense of we've never been through a situation like this, or our freedom was taken away, where our ability to. To connect with others isn't as available, where we can't actually be going out and trying things creatively. We're really all in this very odd place. So it's important to discuss that and to practice being vulnerable. You know, the more honest you are, you're going to have answers from her, even if it doesn't feel great to you. I believe in any situation like this, rather than playing games or being ambiguous and saying I should just leave without actually investigating what this person actually feels, the more likely we're actually we're going to get the right answers. And the sooner we put ourselves out there and we are open and honest and vulnerable, we're going to get the answers that we need to make educated decisions. At least a little more educated than just guessing that someone doesn't want to be with us or they're just pulling away. And that in turn is going to serve us. So it opens our hearts. And when our hearts are open and we're vulnerable with someone and we're willing to say, I'm going to be vulnerable, I want to put myself out there. I'm going to say I really miss you and this relationship has meant so much to me. I've been experiencing you as being a little distant lately. Tell me more about that. Is that something that are you feeling that distance or is there something else you've been feeling? And then having a conversation and be willing to listen and share is how you're going to get the answers and know what to do, Christopher. So I think we all got to slow down and have a little bit healthier communications with our loved ones and not make assumptions right now, which is we're all practicing. I am too. Thanks, Christopher. This is from Julie, 30 in the USA. Dear Dr. Emily, do you have any advice for bisexual women trying to make sense of being attracted to both sexes? Some days I'm more into guys and some days girls. Makes me scared I'll never be able to settle down with someone because I'm constantly flip flopping and therefore the universe won't know what and who to bring into my life. Like maybe there'll be no one because I can't make up my mind. I hope you're healthy and well during all of this. I love your podcast. Thank you for everything. Thank you, Julie. I hope you're doing well and staying safe. Well, first let me say I love that you know this about yourself and well, it feels like the world is constantly saying you have to choose. Are you gay? Are you straight? Are you bisexual? Do you like men? Women? All genders? I understand your concern. I could also, if we are not clear, it can be really hard for the universe to give us what we want. I agree with that. However, maybe what you want is not in the terms of gender per se, but maybe it's about how you want to feel with somebody. So focusing on the traits that you're looking for in a partner, how you want to feel beyond their gender and orientation Is a really important practice, especially when it comes to values and goals and families. So this is a practice of closing your eyes, writing it down, or whichever practice works for you. And then what is it for feel like when you're with this person, how does your body react? What's your body language? What kind of things are you doing together? What's your sex life like? What do you do on the weekends? What's their. You know, what's their values and how. What's their relationship like with their family? What do they say to you that makes you feel good? How do they help in your life? How do they contribute? What do you do for fun? And when you can picture that kind of person, or even if it's just how you're about feelings and it's on the body level and not the mind level, you're more likely to recognize that person when they come into your life because there'll be an attraction and more of a knowing rather than being in your head and getting caught up, like, in all these very specific things like it's a penis or vagina. How great that you know that both of those things can be appealing to you. So that's why I recommend Julie to kind of let go and think about it a different way, and then you'll absolutely get what you want. I believe that. This is from Lily, 21 in Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emily. Your show is amazing. I look forward to listening to it daily. My question is, I've been seeing this guy for about a month now. I'm getting in my head about it. If I could actually see a future with him. I'm lost on if I should even be worrying about this or if it's good that I know what I want. We have chemistry. It's just that there are aspects of him, both physically and behaviors, I'm not wild about. I'm anxious that he's falling pretty hard, and letting him know I don't see a future would break him. Is this normal? He's my friend for all four years in college. We just became intimate. Let me know if you think this quarantine might be getting to me. All right, Lily, thank you for your email. And I just see 21 in Michigan. I thought I was 21 in Michigan. OK, I get it, Lily. You are getting in your head. And I don't think at 21. I know this can be really hard to wrap your head around when you are 21 and someone says you are 21, but your 20s, I believe, are really a time to kind of think about what you like in a partner, what's attractive to you, what feels good to you and what doesn't. So I don't think you have to worry about a future right now, but you can think about, how do I want to feel with him on a daily basis. Are you getting your needs met? Does he. Does he make you feel like you're a better person? Does he elevate the decisions you make? Every time we date someone in our 20s also, or even our third, you guys, for the whole, whole lives, we are constantly learning things about ourselves and what we find attractive in somebody else. It sounds to me like maybe this has run its course because you're already feeling anxious. He's probably telling you he's never felt this way, and he's in love with you, and you're the most amazing girl, and it probably will break him and upset him if you tell him you don't see a future with him. Sure, it'll break him right now, but I think if you are actually not feeling like you can't be physical with him, even though he had a little bit of chemistry, it's better to do it when you know. And I think you have to just say, I don't want to do anything to ruin our friendship. I enjoyed the physical time we had together, but I think it's better just to kind of, you know, go back to friendship. And if he needs to take a break from you, that's okay. So I think that it's always hard to end it with someone. But I have to tell you this. You know, what's harder is staying with someone way too long and then waiting till you can't stand them anymore and things are really awful, and you start hating each other, and then you say things you regret and things happen that you regret, and then you have no semblance of a friendship. But the sooner that you actually know that this is not a relationship, a romantic relationship that you can continue to be in in a healthy way, the sooner you know you'll be able to repair the friendship. And not everybody is able to be friends with someone that they were romantic with. At least not right away. I mean, my thing is, when you learn how to have healthy communication skills, you can pretty much salvage a lot of relationships, because if you were really honest about your intentions and you keep checking in with each other throughout the relationship, you are more likely to have one that endures. And that's sustainable because you understand where each one of you are emotionally, physically, intellectually throughout the entire relationship. But that's also a practice, Lily, and one that I think you could by really sharing with him openly and vulnerably what you're feeling right now, you could start practicing it all. This is a practice everyone. Okay Lily, thank you for your email. Thank you everybody for your emails. Thank you everyone for supporting the show. Also rate us, review us. That really helps us. We release three podcasts a week and we love hearing from you. Share this with a friend. Perhaps there was something when you're listening you're like oh my friend would love this or this is something I need my children to hear. You know about sex. So I think that it's important to share the wealth. There's not a lot of people giving out important information right now that's actually gonna change our lives. So we appreciate when you support the show and it's contest time. It is masturbation May. Yes it is. We all need a little bit more self love, right? So stay tuned to all of our social media and website because we are going to be giving away presents, things that are going to help your life every week this month. So thank you everybody and thanks to my awesome team. Ken, Kristen, Lisa, Brian, Robin, our interns and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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