Getting Touchy Feely with Brooke Burke-Charvet

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jjoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by my friend Brooke Burke Charvet, host of the podcast the Brooke Burke Show. And we're talking sex, relationships, and everything in between. Topics include what to do when your kids find your toys, why it's important, and how to introduce new forms of touch into your sex life, tips for initiating sex, and not to worry, having a healthy fantasy life so separate from your partners is totally okay. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean?

Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com We've got blogs, we've got posts, we've got Videos. So many things happening on the website, updating it every day for you to have better sex and relationships and just a better life overall. Also, you guys, it's really important that you subscribe to the podcast because it just makes life so much easier. Once you subscribe, all the podcasts are there. You'll never miss one again. And it just helps us in our life and our business. It helps keep the show free, and we appreciate that. Oh, you know what else is awesome about you guys is that a few months ago, we talked about submitting reviews to itunes. And you guys, I love when you listen. You actually did it. We got a bunch of great reviews. That also helps because. Okay, like, five. Okay. I've done this for 12 years. Okay. My guest is Brooke Burke Charvet, and I'm gonna introduce her. If you don't know, she's in a minute. But, Brooke, just listen to what happened so you'll appreciate this. 12 years ago, I started this show, and I've been trying for a long time. How am I gonna make this a business? What am I gonna do? And you try and you fail. And you try and you fail. So at one point, like, six years ago, I thought, oh, I could charge for the podcast. You know, like, 99 cents a month or something like that. And people got angry and they wrote these videos and I.

For 99 cents?

Yeah, it was like. Or it was like something like that. It was like, 99 cents.

But I get the whole subscription. Ask for as hard as you work, and you've been grinding this out for 20 minutes.

Grinding it. Right? And then they were like, I'm angry. So what itunes did, and I think they just changes. But when you go to someone's podcast, it shows the negative reviews first.

Ah.

So I'm like, guys, that's just an old story. So anyway, if you want to go to itunes and just say what you like about it, that would be so cool. That helps me out as well.

You're the queen bee. I'm taking notes. Itunes, reviews, very important.

Yeah, that's important. I'll tell you. We'll talk about it. And so this is Brooke. Brooke Charvet.

Hi, everyone.

And I'm back.

She's back.

If you missed the last show, it was awesome. You can check that out. It was a few months ago.

It was repeat customer, repeat guest. I love it.

We had so much fun. Good. We did have a blast. And now we have, like, a whole friendship going, and it's awesome. And Brooke, Brooke. The Brooke Brooke show. It all started with podcast. It all started with sex because I was like, sounds so bad.

How did you girls meet?

Well, it started with like sex talk, but Brooke's amazing. She's the Brooke Brooke show on itunes and everywhere else. Podcasts are a fitness coach, she's doing a fitness video. If you don't follow her on Instagram, you have to. It's Brooke Burke. Right?

Thank you. Yep.

Easy. And you can just check out her booty and her everything else. But there's a lot of great things. I'm like, oh my gosh, I really should go work out. There's good workouts there.

Well, you gotta come and work out with me. I wanna come to Malibu and I talk about this.

I wanna do it.

And even if you can't get to Malibu to take the class, that's what I'm just killing myself working on lately, is developing this fitness app which will be out in December. But I'm having a blast doing it and trying to figure out how I'm gonna that you can work out anytime, anywhere and do it around the world with no excuses at home or in your, you know, in your living room, on vacation, at the beach, wherever you are. And it doesn't have to be hours. Does it have 45 minutes, by the way, if you have 30 minutes to spare, or 15 or maybe 10 and you want to get specific, I'm going to show everybody how to do that.

So yeah, that's really smart because I think so many people, I just getting my haircut today and she's like, I know you're going to tell me to make time, but I have no time. I have a kid. I drive an hour here. I'm like, even if it's 10 minutes.

15, it's kind of crazy. You know, there's a million reasons not to take care of ourselves and we're all so busy, be it business or family or whatever it is. But I promise anyone that if you make time for yourself, you're gonna be better for it all the way around, on every level. Something else I've been doing that's really fun that you might appreciate is these partner workouts. Even like a bff, like a girlfriend workout or you know, a lover's workout. And it could be anything from like cool little things you do from doing sit ups together or holding each other's feet or doing like partner patty cake push ups or like, possibilities are endless. And I did a whole series with my girlfriend the other day and I love working out with my husband too. We don't have time, right? Such an old excuse. It's fun when you can figure out how to do it. And it becomes kind of like a date. Which just sounds weird, but.

No, it is.

It makes sense.

The reason why that works. What I love about that is. Cause the hardest thing sometimes about working out is the motivation. So this is holding you accountable. Like, if I made a plan to come see you at your class, yes, I'm gonna show up.

That's what I always say. Friends keep you honest. So you make that commitment. You don't really flake. You kind of flake on yourself sometimes. Which I wish more women wouldn't do that.

Right.

I wish we would allow ourselves to be a priority. But you kind of show up when you tell your girlfriend you're gonna meet her.

Exactly. More than even a date. Like, I'd be more likely to cancel a. Than I want my friends because I'm so into my girlfriend.

What's wrong with that? That's so true.

Because my friends, sometimes I just think they're more satisfying overall. I mean, you don't have to comment on that because you're married, but I'm married. But.

But there is a secret language that only we speak as women.

It's true.

And, you know, I've spoken about this before, even in my podcast. There's just certain things that you can't share with your man or your partner or your. If your partner. If it's a man, man, partnership, whatever. There's certain things that your lover can't be. The end all. Be all.

Exactly.

And be your best friend and be everything else. Hopefully you have a great friendship. But I think the expectations are way too high for them to be awesome in every area. Awesome in bed. Be your best friend, Be a great partner, Be a great parent. It's like, really?

No, it's not even possible.

We just marry, like Mr. Perfect, wonderful Superman.

No, nobody's like that.

Lucky you if you did.

No, you're absolutely right. And that's what, like, Esther Perel wrote that book Mating in Captivity. Like, I think it came out over 10 years ago, and it talked about that. That we have this notion that we want our partner to be, you know, we want it to be sexy and exciting and romantic and do all the best sex ever. But our best friend, who's there for us and shares everything. And the truth is that familiarity and the routine and the person who hears everything and go to the bathroom with the door open is not as hot as the novelty and the newness and the sexiness of a new relationship. So when they become it. That actually cancels out what the hotness is. So you actually require that separation.

It's not hot. It's really well said. I mean, it's a bummer, the reality of it, but it's a realistic way of looking at it. You just can't be everything.

You can't be everything to everyone.

What a responsibility.

Yeah. And I would feel bad that we put that pressure on ourselves and our partner. So I think it's okay if you're having a rough day and you're like, you know what? I want to call my best friend. I don't need to talk to my partner about every little thing. And you're not going to be everything to them. And that's what still keeps relationships.

I hate to say it, but we are kind of better listeners, too. We are, right? We're better listeners than we now guys sometimes just listen.

Exactly. Well, that's what we talk. I think that men, because they are, like, innately problem solvers and they're like, you're trying to do.

We just, like, saturate each other with love and compassion.

Right? Exactly. We're like, that's okay. You're good. I'm listening. But guys are like, well, you should do this and make this call. I'm like, no, no. This is the part where you listen and you tell me it's gonna be okay. Maybe you don't even talk, right? Maybe you just don't talk, don't speak. So that's okay. God. And there's so much to talk about here, Brooke. So, yeah, that's you, Brooke. Also, you can follow her. We'll do this all on our website, but it's Brooke. Brooke. And then 20.

Easy to find.

So easy.

Easy to find.

Okay, so I think we should start our Instagram live now because I want to talk about the last time I saw you. So let's go to our Instagram. There's your little butt coming on my Instagram videos. Like, seriously? Okay. So live. I don't do okay.

And you know what's so cool, too? It's like, we did this podcast, and every once in a while, you'll really connect with somebody or you'll make a relationship or you'll talk about some real life topics that are so stimulating that you and I have kept this conversation going while we're not on air, like at dinner and at lunches and stuff. We're actually gonna do it again tonight, but we're both re guesting on each other's podcast because there's some really important conversations that need to be had. I think so too.

And it's endless.

Yeah. And my girlfriends are like, when are you gonna do more of this again?

Hi. Hi. Okay, so your friends were saying. So what we were saying is we've started to continue a friendship. We're talking about sex, and it's never, never done. So last time I saw you was a good time. You were saying your friends are continuing the conversation about last time you saw.

Me at my house.

I saw you at your house.

So I had a very spontaneous get together. Super casual. I don't even remember what the occasion was. Not that we need an occasion to get together.

No.

So I invited Emily to come over. Little did I know she was gonna be. And all the knowledge and varying gifts. Oh, I think it was an unplanned birthday party.

Yes.

But you gave me some great little gifts.

Thank you.

And then the conversation started, and I have this kind of big backyard where everybody sort of scatters. And, you know, when you're at a party, people gather in different spots. All of a sudden, everybody was at one table.

I was like, who are these people? I thought they were huddling around family.

I mean, you bring out a toy and you bring up sex in a setting that, for me, I always feel like is super intimate and comfortable at my house. I am shocked at how little friends talk about sex from a knowledgeable point of view with comfort and openness.

It's true.

So you were, like, the guest of the year. And poor Emily, guys, if you can imagine. Everybody was huddled around her with, like, questions and big eyes. And then, like, the husbands were coming over, and she was taking out these toys. It was like a bunch of kids who had never seen, like, Legos or something. It was ridiculous.

Like, literally, it was like I had the new, like. Like the new adult. I had the new iPhone out, and no one had seen the end or they'd never seen it. IPhone or. Yeah.

And I'm looking around going, what is wrong? Like, my girlfriends aren't prudent. Like, what is wrong with all of you? And then Emily gave me this amazing gift, which.

The crave vesper necklace. Yes, the vibrator. Beautiful vibrator necklace.

Long gold vibrator necklace. Comes in rose gold, gold, white gold, or silver. But it doesn't look like a kinky vibrator. It actually looks like a gold pencil, like, half the length of a pencil. It's very feminine and very modern and very chic, and then it actually screws up. So you can do whatever you want.

To do with it, Right.

I wear this necklace all the time. Like it's a piece of jewelry and nobody knows, Right?

It's your own little secret.

So I feel like a little MacGyver. This, like, sexy little MacGyver. And nobody.

They don't know, right?

But my husband knows, so it's super hot.

I know. I love it. I love that. That was really fun.

I have to tell you what happened the other day. So I have a lot of my long necklaces hanging in my bathroom on one of my bathroom cabinet knobs so they don't get tangled. And I go into my bathroom, and my son, who's nine, I come into the bathroom and he's wearing the long necklace. And he's like, mom, this is so cool.

Where did you get this?

And I'm like, oh, yeah, A new piece of jewelry. My friend Emily gave it to me. And then he has the vibrator on. He's like, how come it vibrates? And I'm like, oh, wow. Think, think, think. Right, good. And I'm like, well, it's one of those trick necklaces. I had to, like, pull one out of my ass to try. I go, it's one of those trick necklaces where you turn it on, it's vibrating, and nobody knows, and you're wearing it and you go to hug your friend, and all of a sudden it's like, zap.

It's like one of those tricks. Like you have your finger, like the zap.

You're like, that is the coolest magic necklace ever. I'm literally sitting there going, oh, my God.

That's really.

How in the. Why does it vibrate, Mom?

I guess you could say it's a massager for your back, but that was even better.

Still too much information. Wait, so did he say trick necklace?

Did he want to bring it to school?

He wanted one. He thought it was the coolest thing. And he did want to bring it to school. Can you imagine? Check out this necklace that my mommy has that vibrates. I was like, nope, you can't bring.

That one for show. That's a great story. That's why. Okay, so today when you leave, we're giving you the uv. Do we have one we could show? That's, like, out of the box.

And we talked about this last time.

We did. And I don't know, it didn't get sent to you, so we're going to deliver it to you. And the UV is. It is a self cleaning. It cleans stores and sanitizes your toys. You can even Sanitize your iPhone and charge it, and it goes in a really neat box by your bed.

Well, I've never seen one.

I know, and I've been talking to you about it for months, and here it is.

But we were talking about the element of responsibility and safety. And, you know, all joking aside, being a really responsible parent when it comes to this subject of sex, which, there's nothing wrong with it, but there's an element of protection required when you have kids in the house. And, you know, you're married and you have a house full of children, and you don't want to have to worry about that.

I get it.

I've never even heard of this.

Okay, well, it's brand new. We did a Kickstarter for that.

We're all gonna be grown ups.

Yes.

I think it's a really responsible thing to have.

You're gonna change your life. Yeah, because we did a Kickstarter for them. Because everybody, so many of my friends, I've given them toys. They're like, what do I do when the kid finds it? Or they don't even take a toy from me because they're like, my kid's gonna find it. So they came up with it. It stores, cleans, sanitizes. You look at it and look, you can't tell what it is. And it's got a lock on it.

I love that it locks because we know that our kids are really sneaky. I was a sneaky kid. I was looking through stuff. Not that I was looking for something, but they're innocently so curious. And if your children don't really understand boundaries, I mean, I was that kid.

I want the drawers all the time.

I don't want to run into something.

I found half a joint in my mom's drawer. I was like 12.

You were probably looking for it.

It wasn't. No, dad was older. I was like, why doesn't she have those joints Anyway? I didn't know what it was.

I know it's kind of scary to think about what your kids might run into, so I'm really sensitive about that.

This is yours.

Oh, this is cool, right? Oh, and it's got the.

It's got a lock. So you put it in here. Oh, wow. And it's like. So it. It's got.

This is brilliant.

Does this one just won't turn on? This is locked.

So have they been around for a while?

No, they. That's why you didn't get yours yet.

But look how chic this is. I mean, this looks like a little Like a weapon box. Can I ask you a kind of a dumb question?

No, no dumb questions.

You being the expert. Because I wonder if other people are wondering this too. You're talking about like UV and sanitizing. So how important is that? Just.

That's a great question.

Being sanitary, of course, duh.

But it kills 99.9% of all high inferobacteria. And here's the problem with toys. Every single. And the woman who invented it, first of all, Carrie, is because she actually had an infection from using a toy. And she was using a toy that you didn't want. Because the thing is, we use it and we just had an orgasm. We throw it back in the drawer. We don't think like, oh, I gotta wipe it down. Or you might be.

Or how do you clean it? Or it's electric or it has a charger or it has battery or whatever.

Exactly. You don't know what to do yet. By the way, a damp cloth is the best thing. Like a damp cloth with a little bit of soap if you want. But that's the best way. Always wipe it down. And then you might clean it afterwards. But if you clean it then and you put it back in your drawer, then dust can collect. So, like, how am I gonna do it? And also, so you can get a really bad infection. You can get bacteria if you don't clean it. And then what happens is like, one time I'm like, germ phobic.

No, this is an important question because I.

It is the best and the reason why. So they were. I had a story for years ago when my housekeeper came, I. Before the UV was invented. Oh, we've Toy cleaner. I'm gonna give you some toy cleaner.

Toy cleaner.

You are gonna leave with some toys cleaner.

I always learn so much when I'm here. And I leave with so many important goodies.

So this is toy from Joe. System Joe. And this refreshes your toys. Like if you don't have time, if you, you know, if you're on a trip, whatever.

Toy cleaner by System Joe.

Joe refresh.

Toy cleaner.

Toy cleaner. It's really important. So the thing is, is that you can. Yeah. So it cleans and. Oh, wait, but here's the other thing. So it's really important because you can get bacteria and it can get infection. But also, what a bummer when you go to use a toy and it's not charged. Yeah. And you're like, oh, it's not charged. So the whole thing, it's all done in here and you can do your cell phone and clean.

Awesome.

So that's yours.

And you keep mentioning the cell phone too. Like it charges your cell phone.

It charges your cell phone and cleans your cell phone. You know, donate your cell phone. Yes. Isn't that weird? Your jewelry.

Maybe this will break the taboo of people being so uncomfortable about bringing, you know, experimental things until they're really. It's like a phone charger. And by the way, there happens to be a few toys in there charging.

Up to our car. Just like the necklace. The necklace. Vibe. If I had known that you weren't, like, they hadn't already given you vibrators, I might have given you the Vesper as like a starter. Vibe.

Yes.

Necklace. I love that your son picked it up out of everything.

I know, I know. But I liked how, like, modular and like modern and cool because I know you see everything. But there's some crazy looking things out there. And especially if you're experimenting with toys for their. They're pretty intimidating. Like, think about my girlfriends at the party.

Okay, so first of all, I love all your friends. Like, I think I've heard from them. We've been texting. I love your friends.

They're just trying to suck more information out of you.

That's fine. Like, hey, we should.

But they're using you for sexual tips.

Emily, I'm fine and I'm a good time, so. But you know, it's funny because I think I started first with like a little clitoral. I know. David was so funny. Your husband, because he ran upstairs. He's like, I'll go get the toys you gave us.

Right, right, right.

Clean. They were clean. They came down.

Don't say they were unused.

But first of all, there's all these people. And I didn't know there were that many people at the party because you have like a beautiful lawn and people faced.

They didn't know they were mine. I'm like, babe, this is way too much information.

This is right now.

Did this question just come in on the Instagram?

That's a great question. How to get your partner not to be uncomfortable by going to a sex store. Okay, that's good because I get asked this a lot. How do you get your partner not to use a sex toy as long as he's into even just the. It's an experience. In fact, sex toy stores are not like what they used to be. It's not like you have to like, sneak in down the road. There's like an old. You know, I think of a bunch of men Smoking cigars, like, watching. They're kind of.

Used to be staring at.

Off the side of the road. I mean, I don't know where you live, but there are great stores like Hostler Hollywood. There's Babeland and Pleasure Chest. There's Good Vibrations in a lot of cities. And you walk in and it's just like on date night, I say you go to dinner, have a glass of wine, and you walk into these stores, and it's not like they're like in your face, and it's like these crazy dildos everywhere. I mean, they are, but they're very tastefully done.

Actually, there's. Can I say one thing?

Yes, I.

Of course. On the other side, because I know this is so normal and so familiar for you. I think it's okay to be a little uncomfortable.

Right.

Like, I remember the first time that I went into the Pleasure Chest, I was so nervous. Like, I felt like a little. My heart was pounding. I was so nervous, and I was like, oh, my God, where do you start seeing me? Are they everywhere? And I'm like, would you ask questions? Everybody's so professional in there and so knowledgeable. But you see stuff that. Not you. You've seen everything.

No. Like you've never seen, right? No, you're right.

But it's very clinical, very professional. But I was really. I was nervous.

But then what happened?

Well, it was really exciting. It was kind of hot.

Then you bought some stuff. It's like foreplay. It's like. Right, right. No, you're right. And it is. Okay.

I'm not a W in sunglasses.

Exactly. Exactly. But besides that, it was a great time. The thing is, you do go into these stores, if you go into the reputable ones, and they're like. They live sex toys. It's like me working.

It's perfectly normal. Anything that you could ask for them. And they're actually, like, educating you and teaching you. Like you were in a doctor's office learning how to use a new prescription. Like, it's perfectly clinical.

It is. Well, I remember the first time I went too. I mean, I was like, fresh off the bus from San Francisco. This is going to give you the experience so she can understand. Yes. Quick follow up. Another question from the Instagram Live. What's the best way to open up.

And be more experimental and bring new, indifferent toys into your sex life? Like you have your favorite go to. But what about trying something totally new? How do you even broach that topic for discussion? How do you start?

Well, I think when you go to the Sex toy store. And yes, it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable at first. I think the two of you together can say, you know what? Let's check out the bondage section, for example. And to me, you don't have to go all 50 shades of gray. But I love sport sheets because I don't know if I gave you any of the Velcro cuffs and stuff. They're really. They're really well done because they're like. They like a beginner bondage kit. Get some cuffs. Again, Velcro, not the keys. Like, I remember in college, I got, like, something with the keys. The keys got locked to the bed, and we, like, had to call someone. Like, that's a nightmare.

How embarrassing.

So embarrassing. I think we were drunk and passed out with, like, handcuffs on. That doesn't happen anymore because the sport sheets ones are Velcro. So you get a blind. Blindfold. And then you get, like, cuffs, and you just say, like, you know, blindfold me. That's it. That's playful. And then you can give them a massage. You can just. Because every time you take away one sense, like, sight, everything else becomes more heightened. So you can give each other massage. You can tickle each other with feathers. Channel. Do you want to grab. We're gonna do this now. You want to grab some of the sports sheets. Feathery stuff. And you get some ticklers. And you just play. Like, literally, it's playing. You think about kind of make a.

Game out of it.

Yeah. Yeah. And so I think.

And there's something sweet and hot, too, about the vulnerability and the excitement and the newness. You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's true. And do you know that when you try something new in a relationship, that actually increases adrenaline and testosterone, so you actually are both getting more connected and excited, which is what so many couples, I think are lacking. Right? So you take one of these, like, ticklers, right? And you put a blindfold on them. So close your eyes. Let's say you don't know what's coming next, right? And so then. Oh, do we have the candlelit, too? This is so perfect. Okay, so your eyes are closed. And I'm like, hey, babe. And. And I'm just start tickling. You don't know that's coming, Right. That feels good.

Feels good, right? Yep.

Okay. But then check this out. This is amazing. Hold on a minute. Keep your eyes closed. So this is a massage candle. Okay. Okay. This is from Donna. It smells amazing. It's warm oil, right? It's not, like, messy, waxy Sticky or hot. And you take a little bit, so. Oh, wow. Feel that.

Nice, right?

So you do a little tickle. How does that feel? It's warm.

Really good. Really sexy. But you know what's so interesting is the eyes are closed and you don't know what's happening.

Exactly. Can we get a tissue, though?

That's major. So this is. So it's warm, so that's kind of cool.

Yeah. So it's warm oil. And it's like. So when you're giving it. But it's oil. It's oil. It's oily.

It's called the kissable massage candle.

It's kissable massage candle. It smells amazing. It doesn't ruin your sheets. And so you don't know what's coming out.

Everybody listening is like, what is she doing to her?

I know.

It's, like, very hot. That was mysterious.

So that was fun, right? You know that David's gonna want me to bring some. We'll give you some.

Okay.

So that's fun. You could do some ice cubes by the bed. Like, so you don't. When you take away one sense. Again, you tickle. You play with ice cubes. You play with.

I think the element of darkness is hot.

Yeah, exactly.

You know what's kind of. You know what's kind of hot, too, is is. This is gonna sound really weird again. It's not about shyness or insecurity, but sex and darkness is kind of different and hot, too. Like, I really like beautiful light and candlelight and the right music and you set the mood and, you know, so that you could connect and blah, blah, blah with your partner. But total darkness.

Yeah. No, it's.

It's rare because you'd be like, why are you. Why is it pitch black in here? But don't you think.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Because it's different. And it's actually because if you're always having sex with the lights on or candlelight, when you have the total darkness, it can be so hot. Because first of all, if you do have any of those insecurities where you're like, how do I look? Or what do I do? You can kind of totally be you. Do you make the faces, do the things you're doing, not worry about it. But also, again, you don't really know what's happening in your body and maybe.

Other senses are kicking in. Like, remember that.

Exactly.

From 50 Shades of Gray, which I know the movie wasn't.

Wow.

But where the, you know, the headphones are on and the opera music is blaring and she's blindfolded. So all these other senses. Right. It's always about are kicking in because she can't hear anything except she's lost in the journey of this incredible symphony and she can't see anything. Right. I thought that was very sexy.

No, you're right. And it is all. So that's what we're talking about. So if you've got.

I think our Instagram Libras are gonna have to tune into your podcast. I'm giving you guys way too much information.

I know. Please don't you think? I love it. It's so fun. Because here's the thing, and you're so right that when you want to spice things. So the question was really like, how do we keep things interesting and exciting? Which is the question I get asked all the time. And probably why people are always so fascinated about toys and play. It really, it's such a good point. That sight, sound, touch, scent. So that candle, it smells like chocolate, but it's also like, the oil feels really good. And you can put ice cubes and play with feathers and listen to music that gets you in the mood. So all of that stuff sets the stage. So you're not judging in the bedroom doing the same thing you always do. You take your pants off, you have sex, it's over. You roll over, you watch SportsCenter.

Yeah.

Like, let's do something different.

It's sort of like taking you out of that watching somebody watching you moment.

Right.

Which is kind of like method. But it's. Sometimes people are uncomfortable watching somebody watching themselves. Do you know what I mean?

If they are. What do you mean?

Well, it's sort of like you're wondering, what does this person think it is?

My body position.

Or you're all in your head and you're watching them watching you. And it could be very like somebody on stage or somebody giving a speech or an actor taking themself out of the moment because they're so worried about the impression of the other person.

Exactly. No, Absolutely, yes. And I think that that's a good point. That during sex, I think that a lot of women and men, we get stuck in our heads and we're so worried about what's our partner thinking. Are they judging my body? Do they notice I have a. My left boob is bigger than my right boob, or I have a dimple on my cheek, or I gained £1, whatever it is. And I always tell women, your partner is so happy to be having sex with you right now, that they're not thinking any of that.

But that certainly is not thinking the same stuff. You're think something.

It's not that, and that's for sure. It's something else. And I was. He's just so happy to be having sex with you. And he's connected, but we worry. Another Instagram Live question. What's the best way to initiate sex?

Oh, that's a great question.

I. Yeah. How do I like to initiate sex? How don't I like to initiate sex? I think if you walk into my house and there's a bunch of, like, ticklers and feathers and candles, it just naturally happens. For me, I feel like it's more about the energy that you put out there. So I get asked this question a lot, and for me, it's like it has. I have to be in the right place. So the more you think about it and you're like, what do I do? What's the right move? But if you know you're gonna have sex and you start thinking about it, like, I'm gonna have sex tonight. Maybe you masturbate, maybe you wear something that makes you feel sexy, not your partner. Doesn't matter what your partner thinks. And sex is already in your mind. So let's have a date. I know someone's coming over and I know. Or someone I'm dating, let's say. And they're coming over. I'm already thinking about it. I've got music playing, I've got candles going. And they come in, we make out. It's like it's just gonna happen because I'm not overthinking it in the mood set. And I'm just gonna, you know, like, even if. Even if you don't have all the accoutrements, but my mind isn't. Isn't a sexual space. And I'm in my body, I'm in breath. I'm not overthinking things. It's just gonna. He's gonna feel my energy, that I'm ready to go.

Totally. And setting the mood.

I think, yeah, you're good at that.

I'm great initiator, like, in an outspoken way. I think dialogue is really important. I think most men want their partner to be more aggressive and to initiate more.

I get asked that a lot too.

And it's really uncomfortable, I think, for a lot of women. I don't know why, but I think the subtlety of setting the mood, maybe it's a little whisper. Doesn't have to be like sex talk or something dirty, just something sweet. And provocative. Just sort of like, sets the tone.

Yeah, right. No, totally. So, like.

And you're so right. If you're in. If you're in it. If you're in it in your mental age.

And so that's why when your brain gets on board with your body, like, it's all gonna happen. But you're right. A lot of men do email me. I'm talking about, like, heterosexual couples. But it happens in every relationship. Like, why won't my partner initiate sex more often? And I think that, you know that it's a thing. And I think that we also overthink it. So if you're like. But that doesn't help me. If you're not sure what to do. You could ask your partner who's making this request of you. Why aren't you initiating more? You say, babe, I would love to initiate some sex more. What would that look like for you? What would turn you on the most? So maybe he'll say to you, I walk in the door and you're standing wearing that sexy lingerie that I bought you when we were in Italy. And the canton, my favorite song is playing. And boom. Then you know. Or he's like, just grab my. You know, just grab my balls. I don't know. I don't know what. Maybe spank me. I don't know what your partner did.

To you, but you're so smart to turn it around and actually ask them, which sort of means, I am willing, but help me out here because I'm really sick. That's so smart. I just think the dialogue helps everything, enhances everything and makes your relationship closer and empowers you to be able to give your partner more of what they need. As long as you're comfortable with it. I'm still so blown away at how uncomfortable most people are about talking about intimacy.

Yeah, they are. They don't even know what intimacy means. They're afraid. Because we're all so afraid of, like, not being loved and being rejected. And it's just. It's so hard to talk about. But it's like anything, the more you talk about, it's going to get easier. I keep asking questions. So, like, the reason why that maybe resonated with you, you're like, oh, ask it back. Is because what I hear a lot is that people, they're like, I asked my partner, I told her that I wanted to initiate more, for example, or I told him I needed more foreplay, and it didn't happen. So here's the thing. Asking once we don't like to be told. Right. Asking once or even twice does not change your behavior. Whenever you've wanted to change a behavior, does it happen the first time you decide? No, it takes work. But also, you might not know what that looks like. Like, you actually might need more information. You could say, babe, I was thinking what you said about wanting more foreplay. Like, let's say, you know, what exactly does that look like? People like foreplay. Foreplay. What does that mean? Like, maybe your partner for your partner. That means asking me how my day was.

No, you're so right. We're not mind readers. Sorry.

We are not mind readers. And we expect our partners to be mind readers.

We can get just about anything we need with open conversation.

Exactly.

You're so right.

Yeah. So that's a great question. Bye, guys. That was so fun. Bye.

We're gonna keep talking though. So listen to the podcast.

Yeah, check out the podcast. Thank you, everyone. That was a blast. I love that.

I know. It's fun to bring people into this conversation. It is.

It's really good. And I'm so glad that you are. You're here again. We can talk about the follow up.

One of the things that comes up a lot in conversation with other women. And I'm always curious too, you know, when we approach these conversations, how do we keep it PG and what do we talk about? And, you know, you're such a plethora of knowledge in a respectable way. I'm curious what other women want to know. One of the things that came up up was, why do just on a chemical level, why is sex so much more prominent and top of the mental spectrum for a man than a woman? Like, why aren't we women who enjoy sex, women who have no issues with intimacy, women who are having great orgasms in their marriage partners, relationships, whatever, who truly love sex, why are we not thinking about it more often? Initiating desire. And I'm talking about women who love it.

Right, Exactly.

This is a conversation that comes up a lot with my married friends and their husbands. I have a couple, their husband's like, I could have sex with my wife three times a day. I'm like, no, you could not. That's bull. And he's like, I am dead serious. And there was a group of husbands, we were at a dinner and they were talking about how often they think about sex. I could not believe it, honestly. I'm like, you guys, come on. They're like, no, seriously, I could be exhausted at the end of the day working, and I'm still thinking about having sex. Sex with my wife. I mean, this was a guy, like, with really high testosterone kind of case.

But why? It's a great question. Well, first of all, it's the way that we get aroused, right? For men, it's just really. It's like I say, women are slow cookers and men are frying pans. If I could think of a better analogy for it, I will one day. But it's just like, we just get turned on differently. We need so many more things to be aligned. We want foreplay first. We want to be connected to our partner. We want intimacy. And then when our brain gets on board with it, like, our body's going to follow and get turned on. For men, they see you, they're turned on and the like, boing, you know, they're, they're like ready to go.

That might just turn them on. I mean, it's, it's just exactly so fast. It's kind of a drag.

It is a drag. Nature, it's like, it's a way of messing with us. We're like, of course it's a problem. And when you're in the new stage, so nre, new relationship energy, it's not a problem. When you first six months to two years in a relationship, you're like, we want sex all the time, but it's gonna change. And that's. It's really about the way we get aroused and the way it's not that men, sometimes women don't want it more than men. But I know what you're saying that we just, it's not as top of mind. And so that's why it's so important for women to continue to masturbate pleasure themselves and prioritize sex and their relationship. So I'm not saying you're ever going to be. You're going to be like men with the way you're getting aroused and intimacy. But you will keep it tight. Just like working out. You're like, you know what? I'm going to prioritize sex. So the more that I masturbate or I think or I know that we haven't had sex in a while. So today I'm going to start like, send him a sexy text.

Do you think the more you do it, the more you want, is that true?

That's like more like chemically a fact. It is a fact that the more that you are having orgasms and release your serotonin, your dopamine, all those feel good hormones that are released during orgasm, that's what happens. So the more you masturbate, the more you want to or have sex or have orgasm, you're gonna crave it more. And the more you have novelty and newness in your relationship, the more you're going to want it. And I know that sounds exhausting. And I'm not saying that you got to pour those nasty, bad. I mean, some men do, and it's just. It's just the way it is. And it's just like. And I think it changed over time as men's testosterone drops as they get older. It just. It's really the way. It's our DNA, the way we're wired.

And we need to talk to work about it a little bit, too, because, you know, I had that brilliant conversation with Dr. Chris. I learned so much in that interview, just about hormones and hormone replacement therapy and how much of a role testosterone plays in both the female and the male anatomy, from brain fog to sleep to energy, obviously libido and lean muscle mass. I was really surprised.

We're talking about Dr. Chris Asandra, and he was on your podcast, the Brooke Burke Show. I can never say it. I love saying your name. The Brooke Burke. The Brooke Burke Show. And I listened to that, and I've gone to see him as well. And he's fascinating because I don't understand why with women or any doctors, you go to a Western doctor, and he is a Western doctor, but he just happens to, like, employ a lot of different ways of. He knows a lot more about, like, hormones.

He's all about feeling good and operating at your optimal level. And just to break it down in quite simple. That was right.

Yeah, exactly.

If that makes sense.

No, it does make sense. And you go to your doctor. Now, I don't know why they don't test hormone levels. Like, you have to ask them for that specifically. And even if they do, like, if I went to my general practitioner, totally. I'm like, at my age, where I'm at, you should be checking that. And they don't.

And even if they check it often, more often than not, there's such a wide range of high and low and normal and also how the body changes as we get older. Like, I wanted to ask you about that a little bit because there's a lot of talk amongst my friends about a lot of this vaginal rejuvenation, and not only surgeries, but these lasers that are out right now that you're finding more and more in OB GYN offices. And also Dr. Chris Asandra has one in his office that, like, tightens and helps you create more naturally, more lubrication. And it's like a five minute procedure.

And it's like done right?

So this is like amazing.

No, it's a miracle.

It's amazing what's going on right now. And I remember he was telling me about it. I'm like, come on, really?

Yeah. Well, we'll talk about vaginal rejuvenation. And I want to say, like I said, I adored meeting your friends. And actually one of your friends actually texted me because she was just dating someone new and she's like, you know what? I don't even know what kind of condoms to get anymore. It's been a long time. I think she's going through divorce. It's been a long time since I started using condoms. And what I love is I actually have an answer for it because there's one condom that I'm obsessed with. Because I thought growing up that condoms were a bummer. And you hear every excuse in the world. And I definitely use those excuses like, sex feels worse with a condom. You can't feel anything. Or some guys are like, every condom's too small for me. I'm like, settle down, dude. Yeah, you wish it was too small for you. But you know what if I said. Then I found out, like, I had not tried the right condom. And that's when I realized I tried skin condoms. S K Y N. I thought, oh, condoms can feel good. And they do actually make sex better.

Really?

Skin condoms are made from polyisoprene, so they're non latex. And honestly, they don't feel like any other condom. And here's why they're cool. You can keep that intimate connection. They transfer the heat and sensation like they're not even there. It's like literally a different condom experience. I'll give you some too. You can give to your friends. There's no need to worry about size issues. There's plenty of options. Or you grab a variety pack to find which is best for you. It's kind of like buying a bunch of vibrators, but you're buying different condoms. So you can buy skin condoms pretty much everywhere or go to sexwithemily.com condom, which would be amazing. I would love if you went to sexwithemily.com condom to see how you can save 20% today. That's on my site and it's condom C O N D O M skin skyn and literally every person I've ever told to get them or I've given them skin condoms. They're like oh, my God. I'm never going back. So that's about skin condoms. Wow. Yeah, I know. Don't you wish you literally said you probably don't use condoms.

I mean, it's gonna sound really weird, but yeah. I mean, I've been married for so long, and when you're in a monogamous relationship and it's safe and you've been responsible and checked, it's just not something that really ever comes up. And you're so right. All the stereotypes about condoms, like, right. I don't even. I don't even know. I don't even see condoms.

Exactly. Or your kids. Maybe we should leave condoms when he's keys away from. How old. I know. How old your oldest. I know.

I mean, I have teenage daughters, so. Are these condoms made out of a different material?

Yeah, they're polyisoprene, so they're non latex. So a lot of women have latex allergies and also latex allergies.

And how would you know if you had a latex allergy?

You'd start to itch or you'd start to feel uncomfortable down there. You wouldn't really know what it is. And the thing about latex allergies is that they actually build up over time. So the more exposed you are to latex, like doctors who use latex gloves, they can smell. Yeah. So these. And they feel. They're like soft. Like you could even. We can open one later, you can feel one, but they're just cool. So it's a good thing to know if anyone asks you.

All right.

All right, Fun.

So you were asking about the lasers.

So there's a lot of talk right now about these vaginal rejuvenating. I don't even know the right term, lasers. I mean, we know there's been surgeries available for a long time. And some of them that's insecurity, some of it's vanity, some of it's physical. And I mean, you'll have to speak to this, but you know, the anatomy.

Changes and child does whatever does change.

But people are talking about this really simple, easy, like five minute go in.

You get a laser. Well, here's the thing.

So when it comes to vagina changing.

Exactly.

Like your vagina game changing laser.

Your vagina changing game changing laser. Well, here's the thing. When people first started talking about vaginal rejuvenation, it was labioplasty is what they were calling. It was like, you know, I don't remember, like five something over. I don't Remember how many years ago? But there was a lot of people in the. You know, I'm very sex positive in the community of sex educators. They're like, that's so it's like all about insecurities. Like, why would women. Because what essentially they were doing is women were like, I'm looking a lot of vaginas and porn. They don't look like mine. I want mine to look this certain way and I want to be like, tighter. And so they'd go and get these surgeries. And the problem was is that first of all, I. Well, every vagina is beautiful. Don't be comparing yourself to what you see anywhere else. If you feel good about it and you're having great sex, like, it doesn't matter. So to me, the cosmetic angle to.

It, which is something so glad you're saying that. Because they all do look different. And I think there's a real element of insecurity. And I'll be vulnerable in just saying too. Before I had my children and I was married to a plastic surgeon at the time, I was really wondering, what's going to happen to my body and is everything going to change? And then how am I to going. Gonna feel and is it still gonna be pretty and am I gonna need that? And that was like back in the day when that was like, first becoming a popular thing and before I even knew whether I was gonna need it or not, I was already worrying about it. I was already in my head going, like, get right?

And then I.

And then I sometimes think, what are women like in the mirror, staring at that and feeling like I can understand. It's like a facelift or something. Yeah, right.

But then they. Well, they are. They're looking at it. They're going, what's wrong? Because it's true. Okay. You have a baby, you have a human being come out of your body, there's gonna be some stuff going. It's not gonna be the same as it was, but it can heal over time.

Doing exercises and the way that it doesn't mean that it has to change too. So for anybody that has fear and who's thinking, like, get over yourself. Don't worry about it, like, mother nature is gonna take its course. Sometimes the body responds, sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes things can be perfectly imperfectly perfect.

Right. Exactly. Right. I mean, you know, so did you feel like that? There was a lot of.

It was an unnecessary concern that I had before I needed to even worry about.

It's a good way to put it. Exactly. Because we Worry about everything. Right. So that's the thing. And the problem with these labioplasty, the early lab, was that they would just. It was cosmetic, and what would happen is they weren't doing, like, women weren't doing Kegel exercises. They weren't doing anything to tighten. So it was really cosmetic. And then after six months to a year, would be back to how it was, and it was just to make them look pretty and that. I have a problem with these lasers that I've started to hear about. They actually. They're used for two reasons. You can do cosmetics. So women. Can I be honest with you? This is. And I. Do you watch porn? I don't even. Yes, I look at mine, but I. I feel like I love my. My vulva, my vagina. I've always been like, I'm happy with it. I've never compared it to anyone else. I don't even think like that. But I do know that a lot of women, like, have these concerns and that there are these lasers that can be for external or externals. External, internal. It's the external part that, like, if you're doing it just to look like another, like, are people. But, you know, they say people bring in pictures of like. Like Kim Kardashian's butt or, like, probably.

People do not.

Whatever they do, they bring in your face.

People do not bring in pictures to want.

What do they do? Kim Kardashian.

What do they do?

You know, plastic surgeries, like people.

Well, pictures are very important. Yes. You would bring in pictures of somebody. I was just saying it wouldn't be Kim Kardashian's, but I'm not doing pictures.

Who would you bring in?

You would bring in pictures of boobs and butts and body parts and butts. If you're having cosmetic surgery, and I guess in the vagina space, the same would be true. But I love what you're saying is that. That you're comfortable and you love your own body. And I think that's so empowering and so super important for women of all shapes and sizes and ages and stages of their life.

Exactly.

And I'm also very pro. A woman doing anything that she chooses to do to feel better. But I'm also for kind of making every best natural effort first. Like what you said about Kegels. You know, I do a lot with poi and, you know, I do a huge campaign about that, about pelvic health and strengthening yourself naturally and whatnot, and finding the right products to deal with, you know, light, bladder, Leakage and whatever. But we're also big on educating women about how to take care of their body. And sometimes we think we need something to correct, you know, a physical concern that we might not need.

Exactly.

So patience plays a big part in this.

So true. Be patient and see what else you could do in the cat. But then. But this is what I've learned though, about them. So it's the external part that I have a problem with. And I'm not going to say like, but if. Not that I have a problem with, but the laser. Okay, but let's talk about the lasers. Now. The lasers are very.

So wait, so this is a laser for the external.

Like for laser. So anyway, the ones that he has is the laser and you have the external. And so there's. It can work on all different parts.

So it's like external in the skin or what?

So it can shrink it. It can change the color on the outside. But the internal part. Here's what's interesting. The years, the claims that it makes. And I think, think these lasers do work that on the inside. If you want to be tighter and you want more lubrication, it regenerates the cells. And so you can put the laser in, I guess, for five minutes or two treatments at a time, and it's painless. And it can do a lot of the things that perhaps Kegels do after a few times for tightening, for tightening and for. For lubrication.

And why are we not as lubricated at later stages in life, like what.

Happens in the body.

It's hormonal as well.

It's hormonal. It really is. And that's what's going to happen, is you're going to.

And this laser affects that.

This laser can stimulate those cells. It can collagen, which is everywhere in our body. So. And hormones can be the reduction of it. So by stimulating.

Can we do it to our face? Yeah, actually, I think he said you can do it to your face.

You can do it. You can do it to your face.

Yes, because we think about collagen stimulation, but I never thought about that vaginally.

Exactly. So that does the same thing. So I. Yeah, Dr. Sandra told me about it as well. So. So I'm looking into all of his stuff.

I'm always interested when I hear about new techniques and procedures and what's hype and what works and what's all marketing and advertising. But I know people say this one is really kind of good.

Have you any friends who have done it or.

No, I don't know anyone who's done it.

So. So I think that if you can, like. No. I mean, no, I don't know about it yet, but he has said that women have come in and said, like, oh, my husband, you know, or I felt much tighter. My husband said it felt tighter. But it was like. The thing about the lasers that I like, it's not just like, it's sewing you up with a surgery where you're gonna open. It's actually a laser that's really good.

It's like, less than that.

Yeah. And it's actually. The blood is rushing and you're having more lubrication, so it can work. But I think that, you know, it's still new. But the lasers today, you know that they're. They're changing every day.

Do you think that there's a placebo, like, a mental part of that too? Like, I don't know if you have to speak about it, you know, from an anatomy point of view. But is there. I don't know, like, if you did this and you thought you were gonna be more lubricated and you get ready to have sex and you're all in the mood and you're.

You might.

You're probably gonna be more lubricated just.

When thinking about it, I think. So we should do a study. We should have you get it and I get it, and then we'll both experiment. Okay. I love that. So let's get onto some emails. Cause I know the people would love to get your advice and my advice. And it's gonna be a good time. Okay. If you have a question you want me to answer in the show, that's amazing. You can text me your questions. It's so easy. Text ask Emily as one word to 797979. That's ask Emily. You can also submit a question from. From sexwithemily.com via the Ask Emily tab. And as always, include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Hello, Emily. I'm a huge fan, and I'm listening to you every day. I'm a single mom, and My daughter is 2 years old. I've told my friends that dating for me will be harder because I'm a mom and my daughter is still very young. I've tried online dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, but the guys I've matched with will fade after a couple days. I've lost hope in finding a relationship. What should I do? Where should I go? Do guys get intimidated when they meet single moms would love your advice. Thank you. Nancy, 23, Dallas, Texas. She's a young single mom.

Yeah, no, I love that she's reaching out to you for advice and trying to process that. I mean, gosh, you know, the first thing, you know, when she talks about after a couple of days, you know, she's singling out these guys. Well, clearly those aren't the right guys. I mean, you know, here's the way I see it. You know, being a mother is such an amazing, amazing thing. And we have such a powerful dialogue inside our head. I remember when I was separating from my first husband and I had two kids. I actually thought I was like 35, maybe 36. I met like mid-30s, that it was over. I was never gonna find someone. I was at the top of my game in my career and I was like, I'm never gonna find someone who's gonna want me. I have two kids. I was like, was I crazy?

Yeah.

It's the dialogue in our head that totally gets in our way. But here's the thing, like, like being a mother is a beautiful, miraculous, like, gift. And you have to find a person who's willing to embrace that. But I also think it's super important to separate the two. So one of the things that I speak to women a lot about is remembering who you were even before you were a mother, remembering who that free flowing woman was and being able to really tap into that and still be a woman and not just always be a mother. Like to be out on a hot date, you're probably not gonna be talking about your kid all the time.

That's true.

Like my husband and I will go on a date and one of the rules sometimes is let's not talk.

I love that. That should be a rule for a lot of couples, I think. Why would you go on your date night or whatever and talk about kids.

Sometimes, you know, and like the whole dating thing, you know, My girlfriend, who's been a single mom and has dated a lot, and she's now in a full blown, beautiful, serious relationship. She also has a degree in child psychology. So she's very smart and protective of her child, but she chose to keep it extremely separate for a very long time until it became serious. And that was not only for her, but for the protection of her daughter's just heart and tenderness and jealousy. And there's so many emotions that come into play. But I think unless you're having a well thought out, kind of dissected relationship, you have to bring your daughter, especially at two, right?

No, the daughter doesn't have to it. Yeah, and I think you're right. That's so important that parents think like, oh, our kids have to meet right away. No, I think that you definitely keep that separate from the person you're dating. But I think she is 23. I think that young guys might not be ready for the kids.

It might be a little scary.

I get that.

I'm probably not the right guy.

Maybe they're also a little older. Because let me tell you, 23, first of all, you'd probably want to be dating someone who's a little bit older.

I was gonna say a 23 year old guy. Like, oh my God, it's like intellectual.

Level, like a 15 year old guy.

Not really that interesting. Let's just start there.

No, not at all. I mean, please, maybe just for sex, but I think that if you're not finding luck on the apps, tell everybody you know that you're single. Your friends, your co workers, your neighbor. And again, people are like, well, that sounds desperate. No, it doesn't. Like, you just are like, how are you? Good. If you know any nice people, like people that you know, please fix me up with them. And they might not even think of someone today, but tomorrow they'll be out or they'll meet someone. And I think you should also say yes to a lot of invitations that come in that maybe you wouldn't normally go to, like a barbecue or someone's birthday, like on Facebook.

You never know where he might be. Like never Grocery store. Like, your man could be anywhere. I totally agree with that. And you gotta embrace the power and the beauty of being a mother. And I also am 100% in full transparency. So trying to downplay it or not be forthcoming with that I think would not be smart. But I think it's not really about your, your, your child in those early stages. It's really about you as a woman in a connection and then, you know, in love, like, all things are. All things become possible.

Right, Exactly. Everything's possible. And you might find someone who is like, well, I'm sure you. I know you will find someone and they'll be in love with the fact that you have a daughter and you can have another kid as well. And so I just think that right now the, the biggest obstacle is probably you, Nancy, and the thoughts in your head and maybe Tinder and Bumble aren't the time, aren't the places for you right now. I have a friend who she went back to match because you have to write more about it, you have to pay to be on it. And you kind of weed out. You're not swiping. Maybe they have a swipe. Maybe it's an app now too. But it's still online. I'm sure it is an app. It's not just whatever. I haven't used it. But she's finding good guys.

Well, you know what? To that point, and I'll just say this real quickly so we can get another question, but my girlfriend that I just spoke to you about, who finally found like this angel, like she's in a full blown loving relationship with a man and with her daughter, the whole thing, it's all beautiful. But this is a woman who was like dating queen. She was like my crazy, wild, hot, single girlfriend. And by dating, I mean, like, she was dating. She was doing the site. She was doing everything. She was doing it. And when she finally released the fact that I'm gonna really focus on my career and myself as a woman, and now my daughter and I'm not desperately seeking Mr. Wonderful anymore, and she let it go. I remember the day I had dinner with her and I was like, really? She's like, yeah, I'm kind of good right now. I'm good in my own feminine space. Bam. Like the next thing you know, here comes Mr. Wonderful. So there was something, you know about accept nappy.

Yeah. Being comfortable where you're at, and he'll come along and you're 23. Yeah. That's good advice. It's true. They say that people, not everyone can say that. When it's true like that, and it can't be true. That when you're not looking is when it happens. When you're feeling more complete and whole as a human, as a woman, that's when you're going to connect someone who's also.

You give off way better energy.

That's true. Okay, one more. Yeah. Hey, Emily. I listen to your show as much as I can and it's great. I'm happily married, man with two young children. My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for seven. I love my wife. We're great for each other in almost every way. However, I do have a very active sexual fantasy life since puberty. I've always dreamed about sex, parties, orgies and group sex. Also, I fantasize about simple sex with other women. I would never hurt my wife or cheat on her son. That's out of the question. I've mentioned my fantasies to her and she's totally shocked. She's a serious feminist. Very Sex positive and already had her experimentation phase. I never acted on my fantasies. She indicated no interest in what I shared. Expresses contentment with our pretty basic sex life. She wasn't upset that conversation, just surprised. It's pretty much an obsession of mine. I think about this every day. And every time I even see a pseudo attractive woman. Woman. How should I deal with these constant thoughts? I wish I'd go away so I won't feel the pressure. Hope to hear from you soon. And thanks, George. 34, Vermont. This is a little more complex. There's a lot going on here, George. So here's the thing. Let's talk about, like, two kinds of fantasies. There's the fantasies that we actually want to happen and we want to act on. Maybe we'll say, babe, tonight, let's dress up and do some role playing, or let's find a third partner. Let's have an orgy. You actually want it to happen. But I understand that your wife might not totally get, George, that these fantasies you don't actually want to act on, so it's okay to keep those separate. There's actually nothing wrong with that. And in fact.

You mean don't share them. Keep your separate.

You don't have to share them. Yeah, you don't have to share them. And it's okay to even think about them when you're having sex, even with your wife. I agree with you.

I mean, you're right. Some fantasies are for reality, and some fantasies should just remain fantasies. And they're for your own sexual desire and pleasure, and they're very mental. And I think if you're in a relationship with a partner who might not share that same philosophy, some of them can remain private. I mean, they're. They're stimulating. You know what concerned me about his email, though? The poor guy is tortured, George, because he's saying it's constant thoughts. So, like, what's. What's healthy and what's exactly. No judgment. I'm asking the question, like, what's not manageable and disturbing, where you're being tortured because you've got the. This constant influx of these really kinky visions.

Exactly.

Poor George.

I feel bad for George.

I feel bad for George.

I know. I do, too. I feel so bad for George. Well, here's two things I have to say. First of all, you're saying you'd never hurt your wife or cheat on her, and that's out of the question. And I'm gonna take you at your word here that you really are not gonna cheat on her, and you Mentioned your fantasies to her. And I'm wondering if it's because you were hoping that maybe she'd come on board with some of them or were you just sharing them cause you thought it would be hot to kind of roleplay or talk about em with her. But you're saying she indicated no interest in what I shared and expresses contentment. So it sounds to me like you would like to spice things up in your sex life. And you're not going to cheat on her. Okay, that's great. So what can you do? If you guys have been together a while, I'm hoping that your wife is willing to participate in prioritizing your sex life. Maybe orgies are out of the question. That's okay. There's got to be something. It could even be watching porn where there's an orgy and you're talking dirty to her. Maybe there's even a porn going where you're finding scenes that turn you on and you guys are watching it together and then you're having sex after. Or maybe, you know, there's a lot of people who just talking dirty with their partner when you're having sex. Or like I'm picturing you with someone else right now and that could be really hot as well. That can work for a lot of people. Maybe it's having sex in different places. I mean, there's gotta be something. She's a willing participant in your relationship. So I think you guys have to find some common ground here where whether it's exchanging the sexy bucket list for each of you, write down three things that you want to try. You're going shopping to a sex toy store. Yeah, that's fun. And it's like three of your fantasies, George, that not the ones that you she's upset with, it's ones that you actually picture her doing with it that.

She would actually agree to.

So there's got to be some way to. Because this is important. Like if you don't prioritize this and doing something with her because this was a one way street. You're like, babe, I've been thinking about orgies, group sex, all this stuff, sex parties. And she wasn't down, which I understand she didn't feel a comment, you know, but there's a way to have this more of a dialogue than a monologue of you telling her. So you could say, I want to know what turns you on. And there's so many ways that you could do it. You could again watch porn together, go to a sex store together.

Something that's Mutual agreed upon, like, event. Because it sounds like what you're saying is sometimes a couple, one will need to turn it down and the other one will need to turn it up a little bit.

Yes.

So it's sort of that in a loving, consensual relationship, you kind of need to budge a little bit both ways. But she might need to. I think she does spice it up a little bit.

She absolutely does. And I'm telling you that it's everybody's. It's both of your responsibilities. It's both your sex life, just like your financial life, just like your health. Like, you probably both, you know, maybe you work out, go to the gym, you both care for your finances. Like, you both have to prioritize your sex life. And I've talked about a lot of different ways on the show, but if she's just like, nope, out of the question, to me, that's not an okay answer.

It's dismissive of your needs and desires. There's just a nicer way to, you know, do the dance.

It's all about the dialogue. So the fact that you were like, hey, babe, I'm thinking about these things, it's more like there's other ways to have the conversation. And it could be more like, you know, I understand I said those things, and I get that they're not really your jam, but, like, just, like, start talking about our sex life. Like, what would feel comfortable to you? What are the. Some of the most, like, memorable times you've ever had sex? Like, tell me what really turned you on. Like, ask her some questions. Yeah, you know, so I think.

And do you think there's freedom and safety too, in a relationship of maybe one person being able to say, I'm really not into that, and I'm really uncomfortable with that, but maybe I'll try it. Like, maybe I'll open my mind to experimenting and see what it feels like.

Absolutely. You know, sometimes we surprise ourselves. Sometimes our first thought is no, because it's unknown. It's outside the norm. We would never thought of it. We say no. But again, it's just like we were talking about earlier about the initiating sex. Like, she might need some more information. Like, she's just thinking of you having group sex and orgies. And maybe there's like, something else that you're needing and requiring here that you could kind of explain to her or she doesn't really understand. And that's why if you read about it, maybe you read some erotica together or watch porn, she could understand what that would look like that would be like she might never get there to the group sex party, but there might be something you could find on common ground. Yeah.

Yeah.

So.

But good for him for reaching out.

Yeah. Thank you, George, for emailing. I really appreciate it. Thank you, George. Brooke, this, as always, is a blast. I love having you on the show, Brooke. You're amazing.

Thank you for having me. It's always insightful. I learn so much when I'm here and hopefully it's contagious, you know, for people to open up their mind and, you know, in the dialogue and, and you know, just keep talking, keep talking, keep learning, keep learning.

It keeps better, keeps learning just like everything else. So Brooke Burke Charvet. Check out her podcast, the Brooke Burke Show. Thank you all of your social media. It's all Brooke Burke with an E.

You're getting good at saying that.

Okay, everyone, thank you so much for listening. Also, follow me on all social media. It's all sex with Emily. Thank you to my amazing team. I love you all and thanks watching for everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep. Sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger, and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being, which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age. Well, Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive sense of magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really noticed calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife.com sex with Emily for 50 off. And here's a bonus Use the code code Sex With Emily for an additional 15 off your order. That's Q-U a L I a life.com sex with Emily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.