Gifts That Suck (In A Good Way)

This is what you say to a vulva owner if you're going down on her. You say, "Babe, I'm not going anywhere. I'm about to settle in and I'm gonna stay here all night." Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, the holidays are in full swing, and for many, that means giving and receiving gifts. But hey, let's talk about giving and receiving gifts of pleasure. So when I say that to you, what do you think about giving someone pleasure? Maybe you're thinking about like oral. That's one of my favorites. But there's other ways to please your partner. You can give them a massage, a foot rub. You can tease them, play with their nipples, maybe kiss their neck, whispering in their ear. Our ear is also an erogenous zone. You can cuddle. I mean, you know, the list goes on and on. Well, that's what we're talking about in today's episode, how to give and receive pleasure, because I know some of us struggle with receiving as well. And have you ever done this? Performative receiving. It's when you act like you are enjoying something, but you're really not. Many of us are guilty of this, especially those of us with vulvas. But don't you think we all deserve to authentically receive? I think we should start now. Hopefully you'll be inspired by this episode. All right, Intentions with Emily. Let's set off by setting an intention, because I feel when we do that, you really anchor into whatever it is you wanna learn. It could be, I want some ways to learn how to relax and receive pleasure from my partner. Well, my intention is to help you have the most pleasurable holiday season you've ever had. All right. Enjoy the show. A lot of us are really good at giving and we're not great at receiving. Some of us receive, that means we're takers, but we don't give anything. But where I hear from a lot of you is that it's really hard to allow ourselves just to kind of sink in and receive, even if it's a compliment. Or it's a gift, even if it's something you really wanted, we somehow feel we're not worthy, we're not good enough, that we automatically have to give back. You know, I know I do that. Someone will say to me, you're so great, you're doing so well, or something. And I'll say, oh, but look at you, right? I immediately turn it towards the person. Or do you ever do this? Someone's like, I love your shirt. And you're like, got it on sale for $20. Cause you want to somehow lessen the compliment or make it less than. We make ourselves small. I know I do that. I've done that. And I try to stop stop myself and practice the art of just saying thank you, thanks, and letting something just sort of sink in for a moment. And I know where a lot of you struggle too is receiving pleasure in the bedroom too. Maybe your partner wants to do something for you. Maybe they want to go down on you, or they want to just give, and you just feel that it's not okay, that you have to somehow, you know, they want to give to you and you just have to give back right away. So let's talk to Kendra, 21, in Los Angeles, who's struggling to orgasm from oral sex. Hi, Kendra.

Hi, how are you doing this evening, Emily Morse?

Good, thank you for calling. How can I help you?

So I have some questions about oral sex. It's just so confusing to me. I've never been able to orgasm from getting oral sex. I talked to my girlfriends about it and they're all saying, oh yeah, that's like the only time I orgasm, or it's so great, and I feel like I'm missing out on something. But I I just like, don't really know what to do. And I talked to my girlfriends, they're like, oh, you just haven't found the right guy that like knows what he's doing. Well, like, where is this Prince Charming that knows what he's doing?

That's such a good question. So the first thing is, have you had an orgasm before?

Yes. And I do orgasm, like with penetration, but just never from getting oral sex.

Oh, okay. Well, that's pretty cool that you can orgasm from penetration. You realize that that's rare, right? That it's only 20— no, I'm serious. It's only 20. No, I mean, it's only 20% of women. So, do you masturbate? And if you masturbate, do you have an orgasm through rubbing your clitoris?

Yeah, I do have a, like, a Womanizer that's just on the outside. And like, I orgasm from that, but I actually find that when I use like, I think it's called like a Rabbit where it has inside and outside, it's like a more intense orgasm. I like it better.

Well, there you go. So let me tell you this, Kendra. There's a few things going on here. First off, guys at 20— are you with guys your age? 21, 22? Yeah, okay, so let me just say this, and this is not a knock. This is about years on the planet, like wisdom and experience. Guys typically, and women too, we— they don't know how to do it as well as somebody who has more years on the planet, more years under their belt of having sex with people, right? So, and women also kind of knowing what they like and telling them what they like. So some guys are just kind of, you know, shooting in the dark. We were actually talking before the show, Ovi was telling me that she has a friend who was like motorboating her, her, her clitoris, like he went down on her. Ovi's your agent. He was like, like going back and forth with his mouth. It's like, no, that's not what you do. So, so I would say part of it is, yeah, you haven't found your Prince Charming of oral yet. So what I found, and this is, and I don't want to give you like, I believe it's probably somebody who hasn't, who might not know, and they might need your direction because a lot of guys go in really fast. They don't warm it up. They don't tease you. They just kind of go right for the clitoris. But it sounds like for you that maybe there's a little bit of warmup. Maybe they would have to put a finger inside as well as tease you on the outs, use their tongue on the outside. There's some women that— this is a truism— that are able to orgasm internally. They find that their clitoris is more sensitive and that oral sex doesn't feel as good to them. But I don't know if you're that person because it's not that— you're not saying it doesn't feel good, like it doesn't hurt, right? It's not too sensitive.

No, it still feels good. I just feel like I'm nowhere near finishing.

Okay, so part of it is because you don't have experience with it, right? You don't have— you've never had the experience, so it's a first-time thing. And so I would say that it's a matter of telling them to slow down. Another great tip is that this Kiven method that we talk about on the show— are you with a partner right now? Are you with a— do you have a boyfriend?

I'm not, and I think that's part of the reason I kind of like want to figure this out is because I don't have like a boyfriend right now, and like I'd want to hook up with people, but I wouldn't necessarily want to have sex. And so I was like, well, I'm not really getting much out of this if we're not having sex.

Exactly. Well, I like that. I really like that you, you know that, because then a lot of young women are like, oh, I'm just going to give him a blowjob. That's not sex. You should have an orgasm. So you could even tell them if you're, if it's with somebody that, that you're experimenting. And then you could also tell them about the Kiven method. It's a method of oral where you're, and you can go to our website, uh, sexwithemily.com, but it's called the Kiven method, K-I-V-E-N. And it's when your partner goes left, like it's going side to side, like from thigh to thigh. And because that way you are reaching more nerve endings, you're not going up and down. Like he's not licking from like toe to head, it's thigh to thigh. So you're reaching, you know, more nerve endings and then their tongue is moving like they lie perpendicular. It's a matter of when guys ask you to say, I'm kind of trying to figure it out right now. Like, I don't think it's shameful that you haven't had a lot of pleasure that way. You could just say like, show them with your hand, like, you know how you like to be touched. So another thing is guiding them with your hand and maybe next time you're masturbating, use a mirror, look at, use your fingers and the kind of look and like, where do I like this touch? And again, since you're somebody who likes, who can have an orgasm through penetration, it might mean that you also need a finger inside and their mouth. So all I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with you, but they probably don't know and you haven't experienced it. So just be patient and try to guide them.

Yeah, I think it's tough too, just like with guys my age, they don't understand that it takes a while.

Yeah, they think it takes like 3 seconds because they look at porn and that's what it takes, but it's a— it could take— so here's the thing, Kendra, there's something called the orgasm gap. Most men can orgasm in 6 to 10 minutes and women take about 20 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm. And really good oral sex with the guy going down on you can take about 30 minutes. So, they have to settle in. It's not just a drive-by lick.

Yeah, I definitely never settled in for that long. So, that's some good advice.

Yeah, that's true. We think it should just happen in 3 minutes and then we think we're looking at the clock going, oh my God, it's been 5 minutes now. And then we're like, it's okay, but it takes time. So, those are some of my best tips there for you, Kendra. Just, yeah, don't be so quick.

I like to think I'm pretty confident in the bedroom and like willing to tell people what I want, but I just didn't really know what to ask.

Well, there you go. Does that help a little bit?

Yeah, a lot. Thank you.

Awesome. Bye, Kendra. Let me know how it goes. Okay. I'll be waiting to hear.

Alrighty.

Thank you. Have a good night. Bye, Kendra. You guys, this is the thing. We don't know what we don't know. So it takes a little bit of time to allow ourselves to receive, right? We think it's taking too long. I remember staring at that clock in my boyfriend's bedroom and just like those, those, I have one in front of me, those clocks that blink, like the blinking red light, those little dots, and you'd be like, oh God, I'm looking over. It's been 3 minutes, 5 minutes. I should probably orgasm by now. Nobody orgasms after— I don't know, maybe you do orgasm after 3 minutes of your partner going down on you. But I always think if you're going down on me for 3 minutes and then you come back up and you decide we're done, it's like, that did nothing. I wasn't even settled. You could have gotten me a glass of water. You could have walked to the kitchen, got me a glass of water, come back, and that would have been way more useful. Than 3 minutes going down on me. So you need a partner who's gonna settle in, but it is the combination of experience and exploration and education, really. I believe that if you're in your 20s, you just haven't walked on the planet as much. You haven't had as much experience. You probably haven't been with a partner who knew what they wanted. I mean, I love to hear from women in their 20s who are like, yeah, I get it. I get pleasure. I need to get pleasure. I, I, I lost so many years not knowing this stuff. Your pelvic floor muscles. Don't forget about those. Those are the muscles that we do when I tell you to do your Kegels. This is also the muscles that contract when you have an orgasm. So when your Kegels are— Kegels, Kegels, however you say it, you should do them. When they're stronger, it can help you reach orgasm more effectively. That is the truth. The other thing is get acquainted with your vulva. Look at it, take a mirror, check out what's going on. When you become comfortable with your own body, then you're going to be more comfortable receiving oral sex because then you're going to look at it and go, oh, wow, you know, start to touch yourself and look in the mirror and you'll see, oh, look, my, my clitoris swells, my vulva, you know, my labia is swelling. And, and then you just start to learn to understand your body. And I hope from there you'd go into body acceptance, maybe even some body love. The other thing is make sure that you're in a comfortable environment. I mean, being comfortable is everything. So make sure that you're in a position that supports you. Have you ever had someone give you oral and like your head's falling off the bed and you're not really comfortable? How are you supposed to receive in that position? Like having a pillow under your butt or making sure, you know, your partner's like supporting your hips. Just make sure you have a good environment. The other thing, this helps for all things, not just receiving oral, but you know, relaxation techniques like inhaling and exhaling really slowly. And that helps with those distracting thoughts too, like, does my partner really want to be doing this? So when you inhale and you exhale slowly, you'll get back into your body. So one way to do it is like a 4-count inhale and a 4-count exhale. That really helps me because sometimes I think I'm breathing slowly and I'm not. So when you have to count, you realize, oh, this is slowing down. And it can also like lower your stress levels and elevate your sex play, especially your climax. And hey, it's also okay. Next tip, give your partner directions. Tell them what you want. I believe that your partner wants to know. Why should they be guessing? So it's okay to guide their hand or have a talk about it outside the bedroom. Another thing, flavored lube. I love Muse Lube. You know, I do. They have so many flavors. I'm particularly obsessed with their crème brûlée. It's just delicious, but they have so many flavors. You can check it out, but it's great for giving oral. If your partner wants to use it on you when you're receiving oral, it's body safe, doesn't upset your pH balance, and they taste delicious. Also, you guys, you've probably been hearing a lot about CBD lately, but it's excellent for calming your nerves, calming your vulva, sometimes just rubbing something on, taking a moment to make sure that you are ready to go, in the mood. This will help you. It's awesome. Another way to enjoy receiving is to put on some music. If you play an amazing sex playlist, that could help you as well stay in the moment and not get distracted by noises or things that might kind of get you out of the mood. So I think that's really important. Another thing is stimulate other erogenous zones simultaneously. So maybe your partner can play with your nipples and be going down on you. It's also really relaxing and it's, you know, your senses are stimulating. They can also stroke your anus, you know, play with the other hotspots. You know, why, why, why settle yourself on one? So listen, I know a lot of you worry about, do I taste bad? Do I smell bad? What's going on down there? And, you know, I'll say it now, say it again. Your vagina is like a self-cleaning oven. It's going to clean itself. But if it would make you feel better, it's okay to Take a quick shower beforehand or have some wipes to freshen up. Try oral sex in the shower, you know, but I think that we worry about that way more than we need to. Another thing is just switching up your positions. Maybe you're, you know, lying on your stomach with your booty up or standing with one leg pressed up or maybe hovering over your partner's face. You can also try the, the pillow method. Listen, if you put a pillow underneath your hips and you use a pillow to tilt your hips slightly upward, That allows your legs to open just a bit more and expose more of the anus if you want to play around there. Figure out what feels good to you and then go for it. So we've got a lot of oral sex tips on our site as well, but I just thought if you've been struggling with receiving pleasure or you haven't had the oral sex that rocks your world, try some of these. We're going to take a quick break, but coming up, what to do when you're more experienced in bed than your partner. We'll be right back.

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Let's talk to Erica, 22, in San Francisco. Hi Erica, thanks for calling. What's going on?

Hi Emily, this is so crazy. I've always wanted to call in.

I'm so glad you did. Tell me everything.

Um, okay, so I'm 22, I just moved to San Francisco. Over the last couple of years, I've really experienced the being young single in a big city thing. I used to live in LA, and let's just say I've slept with a lot of people. I've experienced in a lot of different ways, but now I feel like I'm more ready to slow down and be more reasonable. And like, I don't know if I want to like get into a relationship really quickly, but I think that's where I'm headed. And I started seeing this guy about a month ago who before me had only ever kissed women that he was in a relationship with.

Okay.

And so he's the same age as me and he's trying now to be a little more casual with his body and like be more comfortable with having sex with someone that he's not like fully in love with, which I was excited about because, you know, I liked him.

Right.

We've been on a few dates and we started sleeping together recently and he's not very communicative in bed because he's— all of his previous sexual partners, he was the first of for them. And so like he's kind of been the one running the show. He's never been with someone who's been like, who's experienced and kind of like knows what they want, right? And so I feel like when I ask for things, he kind of is like a little uncomfortable with that, and he doesn't know how to ask for what he wants because no one's ever asked him before. And I want to figure out how to do that better.

Oh, okay, Erica. Well, I think this is so great that you are 22 years old and you're thinking, okay, I've done that stuff, I've slept around, and now I want to experience it. So, so I think that that's an amazing place to be. And why, why not practice with this guy that you've been seeing for a month, right? Who knows where it's going to go, but like, let's just practice. I think every time we have sex with someone is a great opportunity to kind of learn a new lesson. So first off, he doesn't sound like he's had a lot of experience either. My first suggestion is you got to talk about it, you know, outside the bedroom. So if you're doing it, you said that he seems uncomfortable when you ask for a request. Can you give me an example?

Like, I was on top and like, we were moving in a certain way and I was like, I want to like, I'm going to move because I like this better. And he was like, oh, was I doing something wrong? And I was like, no, I just like this better.

Okay.

I didn't want to make him feel bad, but he immediately was like, oh no, did I, did I fuck this up?

Okay. So Erica, you just nailed it. Here's what happens whenever, since nobody, and not even because you're 22, People in their 40s have the same exact questions that when, when, since none of us, no matter what age we are, no matter where we're at, the majority of people on the planet do not have experience with somebody giving them feedback around sex. So when they, so when you do hear it for the first time, we automatically go to, I'm fucking up, what'd I do wrong? And so he just hasn't experienced it before. So that's why I always say, Talk about it when you're not in the bedroom because when it happens in the moment, we're so jarred by it and it's like, oh my God, she doesn't like me, I did something wrong. So what I would recommend is next time you guys are hanging out, having a drink or just at your house or whatever, just say to him, hey, I want to talk about our sex life for a minute. I want to talk about what happened the other night. You know, I am working on exploring what I need in the moment. And so when I wanted to move positions, I just want you to know that's something that I'm sort of figuring out right now, but I'll let you know if there's something that you're doing that isn't what I want. But right now, I just want to experiment. Is there anything that you want? And he probably doesn't know. So you also said to me earlier in the conversation, he doesn't know what he wants. No one's ever asked him. Exactly. He's 22 years old. It's never happened. You're probably the most confident woman he's been with. So together you can say, this is new for both of us. We're both in the same place. We're both learning together and like make it something fun.

Yeah.

How does that sound? Could you do something like that?

I want to be able to do something like that. I haven't heard from him since the last time we slept together, so I'm feeling a little nervous that I'm being ghosted.

Oh, okay. Is this longer than usual?

Yeah, I think so. I worry that like he might be like intimidated. He might be because I'm like pretty like I'm really confident and so I don't know. I don't know how to navigate that either.

Listen, it's really— it can be very intimidating for men to be with women that are confident, especially at 22. He hasn't experienced that before, but I wouldn't try to again make yourself smaller or lessen what you're doing. I think that if you do, when you hear from him, you should just— and I know it's uncomfortable what I'm saying, you're like, I want to be able to do it, but I think it's a practice. And then once you start practicing talking about sex with someone you're actually having sex with, You won't be able to have sex without it. Does that make sense? But you haven't practiced it yet, so it's a new skill for you. It's a new communication skill. Now, maybe he's intimidated. You know, I always assume that if we're with the right people, that they're gonna like love a confident woman, that they're gonna be like, thank God, finally there's a woman that, you know, knows what she wants, and I'm gonna learn something from her. And it doesn't mean that I'm a pussy or whatever they think. But I don't know, you know, I'm not sure. People always ask me this too. They say to me, oh, are guys intimidated to date you? And, and then I was talking to my therapist today and she's like, yeah, I bet they are. And I was like, really? I, I'm so not intimidating. I'm not gonna say the same thing. Okay, there you go. Do we have the same therapist?

I—

but I actually—

mine looks like Rachel Ray.

Oh no, not mine. Mine's in LA. But whether this guy calls you or not, hopefully he does. Well, and if he doesn't, we'll never know why. You can call me if he goes to you and we can go through that because we never know. It's probably not what you think. We don't. Now let's say that is true. So what it means is that you have to have the conversations with guys before you sleep with them and say, say, you know, hey, I want you to know, like, what are you into sexually? And I know people don't do this a lot, Erica, but this is the way to avoid this stuff. You know, this is the way to say, so what are you into? I realize I'm exploring sex right now. I'm trying to figure out like what I'm into. And I want to be with a partner who communicates because sex is better when you communicate. I listen to this podcast, I listen to this radio, Sex with Emily Morse. I mean, whatever it is, but this is how you get your needs met. It's never—

I really appreciate that. Thank you.

Yeah, I hope that's helpful because you didn't do anything wrong.

I mean, it's easy to think that it's all sorts of stuff.

Well, we do, right? And we will never know. He could get back together with his ex. He might have had a busy week at work. He might think you're not into him. So there's always the option of reaching out to him if you don't hear from him. Which I know is like, uh, no one wants to do that, but I'm just telling you that, that you just met him a month ago. You'll meet somebody else. The more time we spend worrying about why someone calls or why someone doesn't is time that takes us away from actually meeting somebody else. And then with each partner, you can learn how to communicate better and then you'll just have to, you won't be able to help it.

Wow.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Of course, Erica, I'm here for you. It's so good to talk to you. Enjoy the time in the city.

Yes, thank you.

I really appreciate it.

Of course, have a great night. Bye, Erica. Thanks for calling. It's funny, we've had all these women calling from San Francisco lately who are 22, which reminds me of— I don't know, that's when I moved to San Francisco when I was 22 years old and dated a lot of guys and had a good time, and I knew nothing about sex, nothing about communication. It wouldn't be till about 10 years later. So how great that Erica at 22 is asking about how to communicate in the bedroom. This is from Gracie, 21, in Canada. She said, I found I've anxiety about someone going down on me. I used to love it, never had a problem, but a past boyfriend made a comment about how disgusting it is. He never minded doing it to other women, but he doesn't want to do it to me. Anyway, now I'm in a better relationship for over a year and he makes me so comfortable, and I still find I have this anxiety around letting him go down on me. I've let him a few times. He loves it and wants to do it all the time. I love that he loves doing it, but I never let him because of a comment in the past relationship. How can I get past this and enjoy it like I used to? Oh, Gracie, Gracie, Gracie. First, let me say this. You have a story in here that says he didn't mind doing it to other women. First off, I don't believe that. I believe that he was shaming you and he was trying to say something hurtful for you because he didn't want to do it. And we have to remember that as well. We can't go back and fact-check, but I am telling you that that's just a dick move. Like, why is he going to tell you that? But also that the anxiety is real. It just takes one person saying one thing about our bodies, about our vulvas, about our penis, anything, and we're just— you know, someone could tease you in the locker room when you're 18, and then you're 40 and you're like, my penis is not good, you know, and it just sticks with us. So I just have to tell you, Gracie, that what would be the most useful thing for you is to tell your partner, your loving partner who wants to provide oral to you. I would tell him outside the bedroom that you love oral, but you have a little trepidation about it. You could say you have a partner who— you could even, if you'd like to share this with you, two options. You could say I have a partner who didn't like it, so I always thought that men don't like it, even though you're telling me you like it. You don't have to get into all the details and you could say, can you allow me, I would like to learn how to receive it. And so I want you to know this because then when you share that with him, Gracie, then he's on board with you. He's not like wondering why won't Gracie let me go down on her? He's like, oh, I get it. You need me to, you know, go slow or you need me to tell you how much I love it. Maybe you need him to say, you taste so good, baby. You look so good. I love doing this. I could stay here all night, which side note, this is what you say to a vulva owner. If you're going down on her, you say, babe, I'm not going anywhere. I'm about to settle in and I'm going to stay here all night. And I love the way you taste and I love the way you smell. And I'm in this. Talk about that. That's how you feel more relaxed, right? If someone said that to you, wouldn't you be able to like settle in and say, okay, they're down with going down. But otherwise you have these messages in your head, Gracie, So, the more you start to realize that you deserve this pleasure and then you actually experience the pleasure of your partner going down on you and then having an orgasm, you're gonna forget this ex-boyfriend and all the anxiety, but we just gotta get you over the hump. So, that's how we stop the negative self-talk. So, Alexandria, almost on cue, 19, from Florida, has a question about oral. We're talking about oral sex. Hi, Alexandria. Perfect timing. What's going on? Hi.

Hi. First of all, thank you so much for having me and answering my question.

Call?

Of course, I'm here for you.

I basically have had past experiences. I'm a young girl, so I just feel like my past experiences with oral has been kind of limiting. I feel like restricted when I don't know, like presenting myself. I feel like there's a lot of pressure around how women should look down there. And my main like partners have been guys. And so I kind of stress about like, oh, is it clean enough down there? Is it like, do I need to be hairless?

Right.

And really, I just don't want to be hairless, like, and all that. And I also stress about like, does it taste good to them or like something like that? And I usually end up losing patience because I think about way too much in the moment.

Yes, I get that.

I have never like had an orgasm from oral sex. Okay. It's been a, like, heartbreaking moment. I don't know, because I really like to feel pleasure and not worry.

Yeah, I totally get it, Alexandria. I'm so glad you called in with this because this is so common. You know, you're so young, you're 19, and so you're still figuring it out. And so the fact that you're able to, in this moment, share this and say this is what's going on means that you absolutely can get past it. And so Let's start with the hair. If you don't want to shave it all off, don't shave it all off. Do something like, do it in a way that makes you feel good. Trim or don't trim. And then I would also say, if you shower and you take good care of yourself, I think that your, your taste is fine. Our vaginas are self-cleaning ovens. They're like that. Like our pH balance gets all balanced out on its own. So there's nothing to worry about. But the only thing is, Alexandra, which you have to contend with, which a lot of women your age have to deal with, is that most men your age, and I don't care if they slept with 50 women, but most of their experience around sex comes from porn. And then the porn, it's not realistic. It's not real life. It's, it's fake. It's a fictionalized version of sex. And the women are more shaved and trim and they look perfect because they're literally tucked in and cheated towards like their bodies move towards camera. They're shot at different angles. So every vulva looks trim and beautiful. And I'm telling you that it's not real life, but at 19, maybe the partners that you're with, they don't really get it either. But I do think that you can be with somebody who's gonna allow you to be your best self, to feel confident. So it's really just a matter of experience. And it's okay at 19 that you haven't been able to settle into it because most, most of us haven't. You haven't had a lot of experience and then you have a lot of messages probably in your head that are telling you you should be something different. Than you are.

Yeah, it is like stressful, especially if it's with a person I don't know as well. And then I end up just thinking way too much like, well, how do you—

right. So I think, well, maybe it's then honestly, then maybe, maybe right now, find someone that you do know well, find somebody that you— if your goal right now, see, whenever we're having sex, this is the thing, whenever we're about to have sex with them, Alexandra, like, I'm at different stages in my life. I'm like, am I just looking for sex right now? Or do I actually want to be with somebody that I, you know, that I know and that I feel safe with? And I have to tell you that, that perhaps what I'm hearing from you, and this is true for a lot of women, that the best sex we have, the most pleasurable sex we have is when we're with a partner that we feel safe with and that we trust. And I'm not saying this has to be your future husband and you even have to be completely committed, but maybe if it's a one-off and you're just meeting them, I don't know that we, any of us feel that comfortable with someone we barely know. To go down on us. It's so intimate. So that might be it as well. Maybe find, you know, if you find someone that you know, that they are trustworthy and they treat you well, that they're not going to shame you and they're going to, they're going to be as invested in your pleasure as you are. But that's not always easy to find with random people we meet. And, you know, my best sex is not necessarily with like some random person I meet. Now, I'm not saying you're dating randoms. I'm saying I've dated randoms. I don't know who you're dating, but I've done the random. I've done it all so I could be here and talk to you about it. So I'm just saying, go easy on yourself, and that maybe that's okay that you're not okay with it with someone you just met, right? And maybe if there's a partner you could have repetitive sex with, you'll start to open up. I know it for me gets better over time when I'm with someone.

Yeah, yeah.

So there we go.

Well, thank you so much.

Of course, you are beautiful as you are. Thank you, Alexandria. Okay, when we come back, we're going to talk to some people who actually have physical gifts that sort of rocked their world and mine too. So a little bit gift inspiration after the break. Stay tuned. And Sixty in Canada, she has a special gift story.

Oh my goodness, I have the most amazing man. I live in Canada, he lives in Boston. And I traveled down to Boston to spend some time with him, and he surprised me with a trip, and he wouldn't tell me where we were going. When we checked into the ticket counter, um, he made sure I wasn't in earshot of anyone, so it was completely in the dark until I went to the gate and realized that we were going to Orlando. Now, I had always told him as a kid— I'm 60, so I'm, I'm up there— but as a child I always wanted to go on the Peter Pan ride in Disney, and he decided he was going to take me down to Disney. We arrived there. It was a surprise. He took me to a beautiful hotel, the Cosmopolitan, and— or the Contemporary, sorry. And we spent the night there, and then he took me into the park so I could ride my Peter Pan ride. And then at night, He took me to Victoria and Albert's, which is an amazing restaurant in the Floridian, and he took me into the private dining room where there's only 4 tables, and it's a chef's dinner with wine pairing. And we had a beautiful, you know, 17-course dinner. And then he took me— he scuttled me away down the back of the Floridian out to the, the marina and onto a private yacht. And he, he took me out on this private yacht. It was just him and I, and we saw the fireworks at, um, at, uh, the, um, Enchanted Castle from, from the water. We had champagne. He bought me a beautiful diamond ring, and he also gave me a glass slipper.

Uh, oh, Ann, that's amazing. That is a— so he listened what you wanted to go to?

Oh yes, he listened. He hit all the marks. He satisfied my childhood dreams. He knows I'm a foodie, love wine pairing dinners and the romance of going out onto a private yacht. He just— it's just amazing. He's an amazing man and I feel very, very special to have him.

Oh, Ann, that's beautiful. When was this? Was this— how long have you been together and when was this?

Um, it was 5 years ago. We've been together about 10 years now, but just because of our situations, meaning, um, his family in the States and mine here in, um, Canada, we don't— we're together, but we're not physically together. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Um, because we've got a lot of responsibilities. So yeah, it's just when we do get together, we feel very blessed that we have each other. But I mean, we're always talking on the phone and everything else, but Yeah, it's just, um, yeah, when you think that you, your dreams can't come true, it really does. You put it out there and there's some, uh, very special people in this world if your heart's open to it.

Oh, well, and you're 60, so you're saying you met him at 50 then? You met him 10 years ago?

Yep.

So do you, how did you meet him? Asking for a friend.

I met him when I was through business because I do a lot of traveling and the business that I'm in takes me, um, into the US as well. So it was very accidental. And we just started out as friends. And when times get a little tough, which they do for everybody, you really realize who's really there for you and who's there to lend you an ear, hold you up, and those things are so important.

They are. Well, Anne, thanks for sharing that. Super inspiring. Even though it's long distance, so you see each other like once a month or once every few months?

Well, we see each other about once every 5 or 6 months. But yeah, with COVID it's been a little more challenging.

But the fun part about it is we can always FaceTime.

So we still feel connected. I really feel that he's my soulmate, and he feels the same. So we are definitely connected.

OK.

So it doesn't matter. Distance doesn't matter.

Oh, Anne, I guess it doesn't. You're right. Now, Anne, what do you give him? I want to know what you're going to give him this year. Do you feel like you have to give them something back?

Yeah, you know what, we usually—

our gift right now is just being able to get together just because of our situation. So yeah, we're more into experiencing things together. So yeah, it's going to be pretty hard for me to top that one, but—

I love it. That's a beautiful story. Thank you, and have a great night. I appreciate you. I'm so glad you found the love. That's a beautiful story. Listen to what she wanted, what she needed, lived her childhood dreams. Let's talk to Jonathan, 45, in Colorado. Hi, Jonathan. What's going on?

Hi, Emily. How you doing tonight?

Good. How are you? Tell me everything.

I'm doing great as always, listening to your show about the sexual revolution that you're trying to give to the nation. Of course, as most callers, I'd like to say thank you and your staff for all that you do for opening up a lot of people's eyes out there in the one topic nobody really wants to touch, right? But I was calling to let you know that, uh, I recently got in a relationship, and of course we went ahead and I, uh, downloaded the PDF of your Yes, No, Maybe list.

I love it.

That out. Yes, uh, we also We went over sort of the terms of our relationship and we're going to reevaluate our relationship every quarter. But one thing she did was once we finalized our Defy the Relationship contractor term, was she gives me this envelope and it says, "Congratulations." And in this envelope is about 12 to 14 coupon vouchers for different sexual favors, whether it's BDSM, whether it's a sexual massage with a happy ending, just a lot of sexual goodies in there. And all I have to do is give her a 12-hour notice. Uh, first time in my life that I get something like that where I really get excited. It's sort of, for me in my lifetime, feels like when a woman sends you a sexy text message of, hey, come on over. Or your girlfriend sends you a picture of some lingerie she's gonna wear for you that night and say, "Hey, I'll see you tonight, you know, 11 o'clock." But it was one of the great gift ideas that I have received from a girlfriend in my 45 years of living on this planet.

Wow, I love to hear that she did that for you. It worked, it was appreciated, and we can just make that at home, right? We don't have to like go out and spend a lot of money, and look how much you appreciate it. I love this, Jonathan. Have you, have you cashed in any of the coupons yet?

Uh, no, I plan on cashing in this weekend. Uh, all she really did, if people thinking about an idea, was pretty much she just got different color, uh, index cards and a marker and just wrote on them is all she did. Uh, the other thing I'll let you know that you'll love to hear is we also have an agreement that we will be visiting an adult sex store every 3 to 4 months together. And yes, I already have toys for her. I bought toys for her as well as me. And yes, I do have lube under my nightstand, whether it's lube for lubrication and of course massage oils.

Jonathan, you're killing it. You are just an A student here. This sounds like a really solid relationship. Yeah.

Yeah.

And the other thing too that I want to comment is, uh, it's spot-on information that you give to the people. It's just not you blowing up smoke up people's anus, no pun intended, right?

Yeah, I'm not making this stuff up, it's legit. Jonathan, I feel like you'd like work with me or something. Have we, have we met? Jonathan, you're amazing, you're doing it all, you're killing it. What were some other things that she put in your coupon book?

The one that really, uh, made me laugh besides BDSM, and there was two in there for BDSM, there was one for me to dominate her And there was another one in there for her to dominate me, and she left some blank lines in there for the safe words, whether it was red, yellow, or green. Another one she put in there that was really nice was she said, this card is for you to cash in for an oral exam. Don't worry, you will pass because I'm going to do all the work. A lot of cute, clever things she put in there.

Super cute and clever. I think this is super inspiring for everyone listening. We kind of get into it more. We should call back again, Jonathan. Great to talk to you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays, and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all @sexwithemily. And I've been told I give really good newsletters, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating, or relationships, email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM Pacific, and call me, 888-94-STARS. That's 888-947-8277. Get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemily.com/sxm. You can watch my masterclass on masterclass.com/emilymorse. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.