Girl Boners with August McLaughlin

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like it shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithelmy.com check it out. Check out Our website, our blogs. It's just a happy place to be. And you can also find us at. On all social media. It's ex with Emily across the board, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And also, we love when you subscribe to the show. You can also find us now at itunes, but also Spotify, Google Play, iHeartRadio all over the place. Wherever you're listening, we are there. I'm excited for my guest today, August McLaughlin. She's a health and sexuality writer, a media personality, host, and creator of Girl Boner and Girl Boner Radio. And she's got a new book out, which I just got my hands on. I'm so excited to talk to her about it. It's called Girl Boner the Good girl's Guide to Sexual Empowerment. Hi, August. Hi, Emily. Thanks for having me. Of course. Welcome to the show.

I'm so excited to be here. And the vibe here is so nice. Like you were saying about your social media, which I've perceived is, like, a really fun, welcoming place. Yeah, it feels that way here.

Thank you. Yeah, that's what we want. I mean, we don't want to have an uptight, cold place if we're talking about sex all day. Right, Amy? So thank you. Okay, I have five quick questions for you to answer to get us warmed up. It's a little sexy, that foreplay. What's your biggest turn on?

You know, I want to say the cliche thing, which is kindness, but I'll also add, I love voices. Voices, Voices. I'm such a sound person. I'll remember someone's voice more than their face.

Oh, interesting. Okay. What's your biggest deal breaker?

Arrogance.

What's the sexiest thing a partner can do?

Be really vulnerable. Yeah.

What piece of clothing makes you feel sexy every time?

Oh, it's none of the sexy clothing, actually. Like, I don't wear any. Like, my underwear are all so boring. But I love wearing jeans and a T shirt. Like, when they really fit you well and you're so comfortable. Like, comfort has become very sexy to me. Right. I gotcha.

And number one sex tip.

Oh, number one sex tip. Always, always be open. I think it's so interesting how we think of our sexuality really kind of binary in a lot of different ways.

Like, it's.

It's good or it's bad, and it has. You know, this is how I feel, and this is how I'm gonna be forever. And it's, like, really black and white, and I like being really open to the adventure.

Yeah, it's fluid. It really is in all different ways, sex. Good answer. Thank you. So now we know you a little better. It's like our little foreplay. But tell me about your background. Tell me about girl boner and how it got started and how you got into this field.

So I've been curious about girl boners since I was 11. I grew up in Minnesota, and I had that really awkward class that so many of us have. And I remember learning a little bit about, quote, male pleasure, that it existed, right? And nothing positive or pleasurable or anything about pleasure for a woman or for a girl. So when I first heard the term boner and I knew what it meant, I literally thought to myself, what about girl boners? So that was planted early, but then it wasn't until I went through a really severe eating disorder later, in my late teens, early 20s, and it was really severe. And the thing that helped me the most, more than any treatment, was embracing my sexuality. So it's been a passion of mine. And I started writing, and it just felt like a natural thing to do. A book and a blog and a podcast.

Can you tell me about that? Through your healing with the eating disorder and about being in touch with your sexuality helped you?

It was so surprising. So I was doing the conventional things. I was doing, you know, therapy. I was seeing a dietitian. And that stuff was helping a little bit. But I was sitting in a college classroom mostly because I was bored, because I had been in the fashion industry prior to that, so I'd been, like, New York and Paris and traveling around, and I was in this small town in Minnesota, bored out of my mind, and all I could think about was this illness. So I took this class, and I sat down one day, and the teacher said, we're going to talk about sex today. And I had this huge moment where I was like, I've never talked about sex.

Not really.

I'd had sex, but I hadn't talked about it. And that led me to all these questions, like, why do I feel this way? And it took a little time for me to realize how powerful that was, But I did not have the same urgency to starve after that. Like, it literally flipped a switch in me.

Because you were able to talk about sex, or did you even start, like, masturbating more or getting into accepting your body in that way too, or was it more about which one was it both.

Masturbation actually came later for me, but I did start valuing my body in a different way. I saw capacity for pleasure and value and worth. And I also Got angry because I started to realize how many messages and these negative things I've learned, like, why didn't I know where my. What a clitoris was or where it was or. It boggled my mind. And allowing myself to get angry at that stuff kind of made me, like, grr. Like, I wanted to fight it. And it shifted the way that I feel in my own body because there was sort of this block, this sort of shame wall that I didn't know was there. And once I started to peel that back, I certainly had more enjoyable sex. Like, everything got louder, though. My voice even got louder. Everything about me started to kind of, like, shine more. Yeah. It was really amazing.

True. It's so true that we forget, you know, that in being in our world and that a lot of people, I'd say the majority of even clitoris owners don't know how to use it, how it works. And it's about pleasure. All the nerve endings and all the different ways to please it that we think. It's so. It's so specific. It's like, there's one way and, like. And there's so many. Yeah, yeah. Just every day someone needs to be hearing about it. Yeah.

It's really true that they.

That they know.

Yeah.

Right. Absolutely. So tell me about your book, though. What's the journey about this book?

So it starts the way that my blog started, because I knew I wanted to write a book, but I thought I need to establish some sort of platform and make sure people are into it. So I started the whole blog series with the story about sex ed, and that story is in this book as well. So I open up my own narrative with personal stories, and I notice that people really share their stories once you do that, as I'm sure you have found in your work, too. So I also interviewed over 40 experts and went into all the different topics I hear about the most. But the big epiphany that led to actually launching Girl Boner and trademarking and all that was. I was 30. So this was like eight to ten years later, right? In a really happy relationship. And I hadn't masturbated. I'd had a really active sex life. And so I just felt like I don't need to. Right. Like, if I have partners, and why do I need it for myself? Like, it hadn't occurred to me. And one night I was alone, and my partner was working really long hours, and that actually made me face that sort of loneliness. Like, am I lonely? Or am I actually just, like, horny?

Right.

And So I masturbated for the first time. And that's how the book opens, is the orgasm that changed my life. I sobbed afterward because I was like, I didn't know I could do that. I also didn't realize I still had, like, you peel back these layers and there's more and there's more.

Always layers. It's. Our whole life is peeling back the layers. You're never really done.

It's true.

So what happened? So you were able to orgasm the first time? Like, did you use hands, toys, or.

I used a toy. I used this hot pink dildo that glows in the dark.

Okay. So you won't get lost.

You're right.

Exactly.

Because you never know. You never know what's gonna happen.

Exactly.

I didn't do the little thing where you put it by the light to make it glow, though, because I was kind of urgent at the time. Once I realized, I was like, oh, my gosh, maybe I could do this. So I got the toy partly because I am somebody who feels it more internally and I have more in, like my. I have more internal orgasms than I have external. And so when I would rub on the outside, I just was like, well, that gets me excited and frustrated because nothing big is happening for me. And so I thought, wait, I want a penis. I have a prosthetic penis in a drawer upstairs that was like this joke gift that someone gave me. And so I used that on a pillow and just there was a mirror on my closet next to me. And I caught a glimpse of myself and it. It took my breath away because I could see all this desire and arousal just within me for the sake of me. And it was just this powerful self love thing.

That's really beautiful. I love that story and I love. I love about the mirror because I think it's really true that we always, you know, I think a lot of what you do and what I do, we talk about myths, right? Things that we believe that just are not true. Like men are more visual than women. But there's been actually so many studies too. I just read someone about what women being turned on by their own selves, thinking about them, like, making a porn, you know, with their partner or like looking at Peg. It's our turn on. It's our. It's our own gaze. And we think, you know, I'm always getting women to try to get them to look at their vulva or like the mirror. But just looking at yourself, even having sex or masturbate is really. That's such a Great way to connect and to get that confidence. It is.

And I still now I'll intentionally use a mirror in front of me because it is a really powerful thing to see your own desire and to have that freedom. There's just this beautiful, erotic, sensual thing that happens.

What do you think surprised you that you saw in the mirror that day that you hadn't seen before?

I think it was seeing me all by myself. There was no other person, and sex to me and sexuality to me was completely tied into. Only with a partner. And I hadn't questioned that. I hadn't thought about that. So to see me, it was like coming.

Even at 30. You were at 30 at age 30, right, exactly. Which is so. I mean, I love that you're telling the story because I think it's just so relatable. Like, no one's walking around talking. We are doing this, but just to know that it could be something else and that it's always changing. So since then. So it's a few years ago. So you're. You're so.

I'm 39 now.

Oh, you are. Okay. So that nine years and you've been on this journey. How would you say, how has it changed over time? You're Your sex life. How have you.

Well, masturbation is a passion of mine for sure. At first it was like going through puberty again in a weird way, because I'm discovering my body in this different kind of way. So there was a giddiness around it. I actually called my partner right after, and he was at work, and I was like, oh, my gosh, guess what happened? Because I couldn't. I couldn't keep it in to myself. And he was really sweet about it, but he's at work, so he's kind.

Of like, oh, okay, babe.

Wow, that's amazing.

Like, I found a girl in the dark dildo. And yeah, he's like, yeah, yeah.

No, he was happy. It was sweet. But it's brought a lot of more pleasure and awareness to me. And then also because of that epiphany, I thought, okay, now I definitely need to do something with this term that has been like, a joke and a love for me for a long time. And I already had a blog, so I thought, now's the time. I need to. I need to launch this, because I think I needed to find my girl boner all by myself first before I.

Knew what to do. Exactly. And girls do, essentially, we get erections. Like our clitoris is erect when we wake up. We get up in the mornings. Like, we don't realize it is like a little penis completely.

And if we could see the whole thing, it's similar size, you know that it grows on the outside, it grows on the inside. We do get erections, so they're a legitimate scientific thing.

I like it. Can you talk about how you actually got there to love your body beyond the masturbation?

Yeah.

In the moment, even sometimes, or where you get tripped up. It's probably. It's a lifelong journey. So we all have moments, I think.

Yeah. Yeah, it certainly is. I think it can be a really difficult process. And it's hard because so many different things contribute to it. Right. And it takes a long time to figure out all of those things. But some of this stuff that helped me were studying mindfulness. I read this book about mindfulness by. I always say his name wrong. Thich Nachtan.

Oh.

Thich Nhat Hang. Yeah, there we go.

I think that's correct. Yes. He wrote a book about mindful eating. Mindfulness. But mindful eating was a section of it. And that was really helpful to start to listen to my body instead of eat by numbers. Because even when you're looking for ways to be healthy, you get into this kind of rabbit hole of these crazy rules, and it's in the kind of guise of being healthy. So I really had to surrender all of that. And I actually gave myself a year to basically not try to change my weight because I got to such a low, because I hit another low. I had one in Paris, where I collapsed when I was running. I was diagnosed with anorexia. And then back in Minnesota, I, through my treatment and through my recovery process, developed binge eating behaviors. And so I'd had this, like, really massive binge. And it was to the point where I just felt like I either die or I change. And I was so desperate to change my life and to live again more fully. I felt like, this is not me. I don't get this. There has to be something more. So I literally. It's another mirror moment. Ironically, I walked to my mirror and I said, look like you are not gonna live like this anymore. And I decided that for a year I would get rid of every diet influence. So I cut all the size takes out of my clothes. I trashed my scale. I just gave up all that stuff. And I thought, I'll just end up being this very, very gigantic person, which would have been okay. I didn't realize that I had. It's never really about body size.

Right.

I didn't know what would happen to my body through this process. But I just thought I'll be single and unattractive and nothing good will happen. But I'm just, I can't do this any. And then after a year, I can think about it again. And that year came and went and I never wanted to do that again.

Wow, that's truly amazing. Cause I think to break such a strong habit like that and to realize that you, you know, that it really doesn't serve you and then to be able to go on that path. So what do you wish that people knew about eating disorders and women? Because I feel like it is something that obviously it's so really taboo, kind of like sex, not really that easy to talk about. And so, yeah, what do you think we need to know? And like male partners might need to understand about women they're with or just.

Yeah, One really important point is that you don't have to have full blown anorexia or full blown bulimia to have an issue that's worthy of addressing. I get really concerned about orthorexia. You know, people who are really obsessed with healthy eating or, you know, over exercise or all these things that you can do to seem really healthy and you might look healthy, people might praise you. They probably will. Because we have this really. It's kind of like sex, like a performance based culture where we're like, if you're eating lots of vegetables, but if all you're eating is vegetables, that's not healthy.

Exactly. Yeah.

I think if you have, if it, if it controls your day, if it keeps you from living fully, it's worth getting support.

It's the kind of thing like we talk about. We're always peeling back the layers. Is that something that you really were able to like? You don't, you're not concerned with it. Food and.

Yeah, it's gone. Yeah. And I know that. But for some people it's chronic. And so I don't want people to feel ashamed if they're on a longer journey. It did take me 10 years though. I mean, it took me a long time. And you think you're all better and then it takes more time and then just because you didn't realize it could get this much better. But yeah, there were many different layers. One was realizing that I have adhd, so there were like all these things that were unaddressed. So it's self awareness, it's getting in touch with yourself, with your body, and also finding treatment that is nourishing because some of the treatment programs and different things work. For different people. But some of them focus so much on the numbers that you're like, it's another eating disorder. Like, do you have to weigh me every day and punish me for not eating enough? And like.

But good for you for speaking up and saying, this doesn't work for me to keep looking for other treatments. Because that's the thing about the journey. Just deciding that you're gonna get help with something. It could be, you know, sexual trauma, just therapy with a partner. You need to search around for the good treatment and the good program.

But you do.

It's the most important work that we can do.

Yeah, I think so.

So how do you think that body positivity translates to, like, having a vulva, a penis? How does it transfer to that? Like, how can we feel good about the bodies that we're given?

That's such a good question. I think one is gaining more awareness. You know, you're providing such a gift with your show that people can have these. This information in a private way, looking at your life and going, what did I learn? What didn't I learn? That's why I have journaling prompts throughout my book. Because I want people to know, like, to really ask themselves these questions.

Tell me a little bit more about the book. Yeah. And the journaling. So tell me about the process. Sure.

I want people to go on their own journey of self discovery. I want them to make the book their own. So there are a lot of different topics, and I want people to spend the most time on, you know, the areas that they want to learn about. There's everything from sex positions that are empowering to there's a body positivity, Love youe Body section. There's masturbation stuff. There's a lot of myth debunking and interviews, like I said, and stories of a lot of different people's lived experiences. So I'm hoping that people will go through and read what speaks to them the most, whether it's the entire thing or whether they want to jump around. But I'm hoping too, that those journaling prompts will help people look at their own lives and cultivate more authenticity, because that's really what it's about. I think sex is only a small piece of sexual empowerment. It's an important one, but it's one piece of the puzzle.

So talk more about that.

So it's interesting, I think, so many issues. It's kind of like with an eating disorder, you think it's all about food. No, it's really not. Right.

It's Always a symptom.

Yeah. So as you know, when there's a sex issue, a lot of times it's something else that's affecting sex. So I think lifestyle habits are really important. You know, living largely and authentically. And I use that word a lot. I know it gets thrown around, but I just don't think there's anything more powerful than getting to know yourself. So once you're connected to all these different things, your value system. I have a section on religion because I've found that so many people coming from the Midwest and also from a religious family, we hear that, like, if you're religious, then you're anti sex, unless it's like tantra or something. And I want people to know that they can be Jewish or Christian or Catholic or Buddhist and also have a great sex life and embrace that. But in order to do that, you have to really look at. Sort it out. Like, sort out the dogma from what you really, truly believe spiritually and kind of figure out how it fits together.

Yeah. Authentic.

It's true.

And I think that that's. What does it mean to you? Authenticity.

I think it means guiding by your own compass. And it requires making some tough decisions that aren't going to be popular.

Right?

Yeah.

Saying no and not everyone's going to like you.

Oh, totally. You can't please everyone. And now, especially with social media, for example, so many people will suggest things. Or if you have a brand or business, oh, well, you have to do this to boost your numbers. And I'm like, it's not me.

I know.

I'm just not gonna do that. And it's rule breaking that led me to the work that I do that I didn't know existed. So I think that's really important.

Yeah, it's true. Gotta, like, break the rules. It's true. Find your own path. I know that's frustrating. Like, oh, do this and do that with social media and say this so you get more. I've always been about, if you find something interesting and you really are passionate about it, there's gonna be other people that are gonna come around. And it's not because anyone else told you to do it. So that is a really good. It's really true. It's a good way to lead and to create.

And you might have to create immediate gratification in the same way, but you have to trust it. Like, really be committed. Cause it takes time. You might not get the instant fame or success or whatever it is you're looking for, But I think sometimes we don't even know what we're going for yet.

Right, Exactly. Tell me about orgasming for science.

I love that you clapped for that. That was fun.

Excites me.

Okay, so obviously, I became quite passionate about solo play and masturbation. And I had started girl boner on my blog, this is about six or seven, seven years ago. And I read an article about a journalist that got to orgasm for science. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I missed that. She's so lucky. That's amazing. Not realizing that most people don't line up for that.

Yeah, right. They're like, we've got room today if you want to come in and take the study.

Right, Exactly. So I ended the head researcher at Rutgers University, Barry Kamisurek, and he said, if you want to do this, let's do it. And so the next year, I flew to Rutgers, and I didn't actually read the fine print before, ahead of time until I was, like, on the plane. And I realized it was going to be much more challenging than I thought because you have to lie completely still with your head can't move. So they made this mask that was sort of like Hannibal Lecter, like. Like a calendar over my face calendar. And could not move and had to be flat on my back, which is not how I masturbate. And there are sounds like gunshots, like, it's so loud. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm gonna mess this study up so bad. And so I got there and I was like, I'm so sorry. And they said something to me that is really profound if you think about it. They said, it's just as helpful if you don't experience orgasm, so don't worry about it.

Oh, they took the pressure off, which is so my top sex tip. Like, chill out, everyone. Don't have the pressure. Don't pressure yourself to orgasm. Right. Wow. And so then.

Yeah, so then I did the experiment, and they did different prompts. It was imagining something and then actually doing it. So imagine someone touching your nipple, then touch your nipple and, you know, touch your clitoris. Imagine someone touching your clitoris. And it was really exciting, and I was getting really turned on, but I was like, I can't. Nothing's gonna happen. And so they said, actually that I could do one round with a toy. So I started with just my. And I was getting really, really turned on. And it was kind of like that orgasm control, where you get really close to orgasm, then you stop and you get close and Then you stop. It was driving me nuts.

On purpose. You were doing that, or they were asking you to, like, edge? No. You weren't doing it?

No. They were kind of guiding me to edge. With the prompts? Yeah, these, like, visual prompts. And so I got to a place where I was just like, oh. And I did have this, like, release sense. But I thought, oh, I don't think. I really. You know, I just hit the button. I'm like, eject me out. And the scientist asked me if I orgasmed, and I thought, oh, my gosh. I had, like, swollen lips. I was wet. I was like, trembly. I was flushed. I'm like. That little, like, release was an orgasm, which meant that I'd been having clitoral orgasms all along and had been kind of ignoring them because I was like, I want the G spot one. So it was completely. I didn't expect to learn so much about myself.

That's amazing. And it was like an mri. Okay, that is. That is fascinating. So now, do you have clitoral orgasms and G spot orgasms during sex, during intercourse, or during anything during masturbation?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. I still much prefer the blended or G spot. I mean, I guess they're all kind of blended, but I really prefer the internal G spot stuff. That's just kind of how my body wants to be, but I no longer fret over, oh, that was a nothing. Which I think is.

Yeah, well, there's some inferior type of orgasm that we. Orgasm wrong. I'm like, what? We're just happy we had orgasms. It is all the pressure. And I love that the study, even. It was such a. It was so meta in a way, because that seriously, like, is the lesson that I tell. You know, I'm gonna have you. We're gonna answer some questions for my listeners, but I think. I'm sure a lot of them is people just. It's in our heads. A lot of our sexual challenges, yes, there are things that could be medically challenging, but a lot of it is because we're so worried it's not gonna happen. We're not doing it right. We're doing. You know, so. Yeah, that is awesome. That's a good story. Orgasm. And that was how many years ago that was.

I'm so bad at numbers. But I think it was. I want to say it was maybe four years ago or so. I wrote about it in the book. I wrote about it for Cosmo as well. And the title of the Cosmo article that they chose was, are you I think. Are you orgasming without even knowing it? Which is kind of, you know, appropriate because I hadn't realized I had been. But, yeah, it was amazing.

Okay, so stay with me. August Mid Laughlin. We're going to do some emails. I'd love your help. Thanks, everyone, for supporting the show and checking out our sponsors. We'll be right back.

Okay, we are back with your emails. I love answering your questions. Please text ask Emily to 797-979. Fill out the short form, check the box. Yes, if you want us to call you. Or you can also go to the website, the Ask Emily tab. Fill out the form, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay. This is from Lacey. She's 25. Hey, Emily. I'm a lesbian and I've recently been without sex for a couple months now. I usually get my pleasure from partners, but now I don't have the means to. I tried to make myself orgasm, but I can't. I don't like penetration. I've always orgasm by having my clitoris sucked. I've used a vibrator on my clitoris and it feels effing amazing. I feel like I'm gonna orgasm and then the sensation just goes away and I have to start all over again. Please help me. I haven't gone this long in many years. Okay, so I think this is interesting, Lacey, because this is the thing that we, you know, there's a name for it now, or orgasm anxiety, right? Or poly. What was it? Oh, fpa or. We all know that it exists orgasms around sex. So it sounds like that Lacy, you might be subconsciously blocking yourself from orgasm because there's so much thought like, is it going to happen? Am I happening? It hasn't happened in a while that you kind of just, you know, it's changing your process and being more mindful and even taking orgasm off the table because like we said, the clitoris, there's the entire vulva. There's so much sensitivity and so many nerve endings and just to keep going with it, that orgasms change over time. So it might not look like what it looked in the past. So it sounds like some fun exploring right now.

100%. No, I agree completely. I think that taking orgasm off the table is probably really smart and focusing on other kinds of pleasure. And then if something happens, then great, and if it doesn't, great. But I think the best orgasms are surprises.

Exactly. When we don't know and we're not focused on it is true. When you Take the. I've even done that to myself. I've walked myself through the process when I'm masturbating or having sex, and I've caught myself thinking, it's not gonna happen. Okay, just stop. And now when that happens in my head, I just keep going, and I stop thinking about it. I literally go into my breath because I know. And then it just. A lot of times it happens. More so than not, it happens, but I don't beat myself either way. So just to remind you here, Lacey, that it is packed with so many nerve endings and that it's not just like the clitoris, it's the labia and the vulva. I mean, there's so many. The inner and outer labia are so sensitive. The anus, the. There's so many areas that just explore and to have fun with it. So I think that it's gonna feel good again and just keep going with it and have fun. Your nipples during masturbation. It's not just like the. That we've all been there. Put the toy. That was my. That was my example with my toy impression. But it doesn't have to be right. Like, it's just all these. Go light, go soft with different products. Try the womanizer, if you like sucking, if you haven't yet. Oh, my gosh, she's the word sucking. Have you tried the womanizer?

I have. It's not my personal favorite, but it does that. If that's what you love, then you should use it. And they travel one now.

Yes. Oh, they have so much right. They have the to go. And they have a lot of different kinds. But it indirectly stimulates Jamie, my producer. She literally doesn't leave home without it. She sweeps under her pillow.

That's so smart.

I know. She has a lot of toys. She's been here three years, and she.

Loves instant stress relief.

Instant stress relief, Exactly. I love it. Okay, so this is from Tim45 in Ohio. Dear Emily, I enjoy your podcast tremendously. It makes my commute more interesting. My wife and I are on the heavier side, and while I was late to the sex game, I've had much more sexually adventurous experience previous to our relationship. While our sex is great, considering some physical issues, I've given her some firsts. Squirting, multiple orgasms and such. She is very close to her masturbating. She's never really masturbated, partly because she says it's difficult to reach and touch herself. I would buy her anything to open this world for her and us. What advice might you have for this. I love giving her pleasure, but would be so stoked to see her in her own pleasure. Very sensitive. I love it. You sound like a wonderful, caring, thoughtful husband, Tim. And so I think. I think to answer, I would say, you know, for toys, the Womanizer Plus. So talk about other womanizer. It has a handle. And my friend Elle Chase, who wrote a book, Curvy Girl Sex, she's.

Love her. She's in my book too.

Yeah. Oh, she is? Yeah. She's amazing. And she says she loves Womanizer plus two. And her book also is my go to resource. So check out Curvy Girl Sex by Elle Chase. I think the magic wand should also be long enough.

That's what I was thinking of. Yeah, that's one of the benefits of it, I think, because it's. It's quite long, so you can actually reach down and, you know, and there are other toys I think, that you could prop up or get on top of. You know, there's like the Sibian, but then there's another. I can't remember the name of the other one, but there's another one that's not quite as expensive.

Exactly.

Yeah. Something that you can climb onto or propping up whatever your favorite toy is on. Like a pillow.

The Liberators.

Or the wedges that you can lower yourself down on.

Exactly. I think that's true in playing with different positions, too. Using pillows. Like they're in your house. Like those are such. Just to put them onto your, you know, your pelvis or like to lean on them. I mean, there's just a lot of fun. Fun with pillows and then. Yeah. And Curvy Girl Sex. She's got a lot of positions, I think. Use the shower head.

Yeah. Yeah. And I love about Elle's book that she talks about things that people are kind of just not even think of doing, which is like lifting up your abdomen.

Yeah.

Like sometimes it's just something you hadn't thought of. Oh, if I just move my body in this different way.

Right, Exactly.

That you just haven't learned yet.

Yeah. But we don't think to move around. I think we are very just like you in the MRI Mach. But some of us do just lie there like we are on a machine. We're like, oh, I've always done it this way, and this is the only way I can do it, which is so such a limitation. Like you said, we shouldn't think of it as limitless.

Exactly.

It's constantly growing and we are constantly changing. Okay. So, Tim, I think that'd be good for you. And again, we love you. We had a little aw moment here.

Okay.

This is from C25 in Charleston. Hey, Emily. First of all, I love your show. Second, please help. So my fiance is against masturbating for him because he thinks it could become addictive and unhealthy. He's also very into personal development, optimizing everything, etc. I feel a lot of pressure when it's been a few days and I know he wants to have sex. I love having sex with him, and we have a great relationship. When I feel like we're due to have sex, I feel anxious. And it's a lot of pressure because I know he won't masturbate. So it's up to me to basically get him off. He never makes me feel bad or like we have to do it. But I feel like I'd be much more turned on if I didn't feel so much pressure. What can I do? So this is interesting. Again, a lot of anxiety today. The first thing I want to say here, see, is you have a story, but that he's expecting you to give all the pleasure that, like, you're in charge of it now because he's decided not to masturbate. And I understand why you might think this, but I doubt that. That your partner, your fiance, is thinking that. So let's just take that off the table. And so I'm sure that you need to just let him know.

Yeah, right. To be so helpful, because then it makes you. You have to be vulnerable together. Yeah. Because he might be like, no, babe, like, not at all.

Like, that's not it at all. Right. I'm just doing it because my own moral. Like, please not. And then. And then you'll feel so much better just getting that on the table. And. But think about masturbation. I'm all for, like, personal growth and optimizing things and being healthy. But I understand that it can be good for men to kind of. For some men to cease masturbating for a while and to kind of explore things.

But, yeah, I mean, if it's become a compulsion or if you know that you are compulsive about it, I could see taking a break. There's also that book, I think, Think and Grow Rich Old classic.

Yeah, yeah.

That has a section on, like, not masturbating. So I think sometimes that gets kind of lumped into personal development.

But, you know, I think, like, who else? Like, Tim Ferriss talks about it, and Dave Asprey and Bulletproof he's on the show. They're all about like, not because it is true for men. This is like Taoist, you know, sex, Chinese beliefs, eastern religion. There's many things, many of the many. There's many benefits, they say, to men. Withholding ejaculation and having the orgasm, having that. Not really. Because every time you do, it's like your chi, which is your energy is being, is leaking through your body, through orgasm, through ejaculation. And that when you can learn to circulate that through your body, that for men, they have men who don't ejaculate as often, they say the benefits can be more focus, more energy, more whatever. So I don't think it's for everybody. I'm just saying I can understand there's different ways to look at it that we haven't all explored. But I think mostly we're good. Unless there's a challenge or a problem and you find yourself masturbating too much, you can't go to work. Or it's an addiction.

Yeah. And it's also refreshing to hear people say things like, I wish my partner would masturbate. Not because they have to, but just because there has previously been a lot of shame and there still is around. Oh, if my partner masturbates, then they don't want me. So it's nice to hear kind of a flip and go, actually, I care about your pleasure.

Right? Yeah, we hear it all. It is true. Do you get that a lot too? Yeah, that. Yeah, people don't. They want to control it or they feel threatened. I was that way in my 20s. I thought, I really didn't understand why my partner and I, why he would ever need porn because we were having the best sex of our lives. Like, you know, just. It is. And I think that if you never hear otherwise, why wouldn't we? Right.

And if you've only heard negative things about it, then you have.

Yeah.

You know, we threatened.

We're using everything we can to make ourselves feel worse when we can really have use the same energy and make ourselves feel better. Amen. Okay, thank you, C. Thanks for that question. And.

Yeah, I just think it's some good old fashioned communication. But we all need. And it is true, you guys, that this, when you say these things that you think you cannot say are these really difficult conversations. When you do it from a place of love and wanting, that's vulnerability. I'm telling you most 99% of the worst case scenarios, our partner's gonna throw us out and hate us and break up with us and tell us we're not lovable. Does not happen. You find the best.

That's not the person.

Exactly.

So, yeah, it's really rare. And usually we get vulnerable and then we grow from that. And typically the thing we're afraid of is the result is so much better, you know? And it festers in your head when you don't say it. And it gets worse and worse and worse.

It does.

Yeah.

Whatever you resist persists in your mind when you don't say it. It becomes the big problem. Yeah.

And you don't say it in a positive way.

Yeah. It's really. Exactly. I hope to always. And from using the I things and not the you, not the blaming. But it's true vulnerability. That's a whole nother. Right. And it's so important for all of us. From a formerly vulnerably vulnerability adverse person. I'm into it. Okay. Not on purpose, guys, if you ever want to be. But yeah. Okay. This is from Brian, 41 in San Diego. Hey, Emily. I've listened to your show for the last five months and it's great. You're truly doing a great service to all that tune into your show. I think I have a pretty good personality and I believe I'm average looking. By no means do I think I'm ugly. I stay in shape. I have a great job as a chef. My problem when it comes to dating is my height. I'm five' two. Online dating is next to impossible. I'll be scrolling through my matches and reading women's profiles and I see when I like and I think I have a lot in common, but it reads must be five' eight or tall or something like that. I've come to accept this and I'm completely okay with meeting a woman organically. So my question is, how do you get a woman to see you as a potential mate when you're a short male and not just a nice guy friend? I know confidence is a huge part, but that it's a little hard when you are surrounded by must be tall, dark and handsome and all the other shaming that comes along with being short. Thanks for your advice. So speaking of shaming, Brian, I think this is a great question because it's like this is all confidence and shaming and these negative things that we believe that women don't want anyone who's not tall, dark and handsome. So there's a lot of women that will not care about your height. I promise. And I know that you are walking around tall, dark and Handsome your whole life we're hearing that. I promise. There's a lot of women are looking for mind, body, soul, connections. And not at all, that does not mean your height. And I just don't want to discourage you. I can understand with online dating, but I want to say also that we all say things that we think we want and then we end up loving something that's way greater than that and we differ than that. So I would still hit up those.

Women that say that absolutely everyone I've ever known who has like a real specific list, they end up with someone who's completely not that exactly like you think. The thing with online dating is you can put together this little visual map of somebody, but when you meet someone organically, like he said he wants to do that. If you're out just meeting people, people are gonna set those things aside or even love your height because it's you.

Exactly right. It's because of you. And it's your personality, what you bring to the table. It's not because they're thinking like, oh, he's so short. And those aren't the people you wanna be for. I'm a short woman. Believe me, there are a lot of guys. Like I want tall, like it's just breasts, everything. So just the more you can work on that confidence and know that it's actually not true and then that women you will find.

Yeah, and then doing things you love doing.

Exactly.

That's my favorite dating advice. And it sounds kind of, you know, off point or something, but when you're. It's really true when you're working on yourself. But if you're doing things you really love, like don't go to clubs where you feel weird. If you don't like going to clubs, you know, if you love hiking, hike. If you love cooking, go to a cooking club. Like do things you enjoy and you'll just, you'll meet somebody because you'll be.

In your flow, you'll be in your zone, you'll be in your element, you'll feel confident. Cause you're doing something you love and it won't even matter. And that's when you. Because you'll be radiating that confidence, happiness. It is great advice. Also, I found this thing when I was looking at this. This is 100 famous short men. Famous, successful. And I just thought this was interesting because I thought, I don't know, I wanted. I just want you to feel better.

I love that you did that.

I did. Brian. I just want you to feel. Because I was looking for Something I'm like, here's what we got. 100 famous short men, which you don't even think. Okay. Martin Luther King, 5, 7.

Wow.

Yep. Winston Churchill, 5, 7. We've got Prince, 5 2. Robin Williams, 5 7. We've got. These guys are all under, like, 5. Paul Simon, 5 3.

Isn't George Clooney not very tall?

He's like, 5, 7.

And he's like one of the sex gods.

Literally.

Like, everyone thinks he's the hottest dude.

Absolutely right. No one's looking at that. Saying, what, you know, Ben Stiller, five' eight. Funny. So who else was on here that I thought was interesting? Bruno Mars, five' six. So Kevin Hart, five' two.

There you go.

There you go, guys. So that's again, they have partners. They have people in their life. They've gone on to be very successful. And you will continue to be so successful and feel great, Brian. Okay? I promise. This is from Chelsea, 26 in Chicago. Hey, Emily. I'm a new listener to your show, and I started listening to help discover my sexuality. I feel silly to say I don't know myself sexually, but after two kids and a third on the way, in three years, I've completely lost touch with my body. My husband and I have been together since high school, so we grew up together, not only learning about our bodies, but also about each other's. Sex was pretty amazing. Not only physically, but we also had such a deep connection, which made sex even more powerful. But now that seems like light years ago. All the old tricks and positions and moves don't do it anymore. I rarely reach orgasm now, and it's frustrating to both myself and my husband. We've had many conversations about what I need, but to be honest, I don't even know what I need anymore. I've recently been masturbating, discover myself again and learn my needs. However, the process has been even more discouraging. I have difficult time getting myself in the mood. Staying in the mood. If it starts to feel good, suddenly it makes me anxious and I quickly become turned off. I'm trying it from toys to meditation, and nothing seems to be helping. I'm sure being pregnant doesn't help. I'm almost 30, but I don't think pregnancy should be a reason why sex sucks. I'm in serious need of your help. Aw, Chelsea, we got you here. Okay, so this is also about. First of all, you've had two humans come out of your body, okay? And you're 25, and now a third one on the way. So girl, gotta Be a little more. Go easy on yourself here.

Yes, That's a lot of pressure to say. I also need to be sexual in a certain way.

Yeah, exactly. That's a lot of labels, A lot of things that you. Your body is just not there with you right now. So just I think this, you know, wanting to be everything is not realistic with babies and the pregnancy. So I think be patient. Cause our body's changing so much, especially right now for you. But also everything's changing hormones. I think it's another, you know, masturbation again without. And just discovery with yourself, relearning it. Cause probably what you even think that you know about your body is just a very small part of what could give you pleasure.

Yeah, it's really true. And it's interesting because she said that she was. She's masturbating and connecting with herself again. But then she gets frustrated. You know, it's almost like we have these tapes that we start playing and those intrusive thoughts again that get in the way. So I wonder if even just sensual pleasure, that's not necessarily sex, but maybe she's prioritizing like sensually putting lotion all over her body or like a warm bubble bath or looking at herself in the mirror or whatever feels sexy to her. That pleasure, that doesn't have to be. It's gotta be the old sex I had before. Because like you said, it's not gonna be the sex that you had before right now when you're pregnant.

Right. And may never go back to how it was, but it's just gonna be better. Cause you don't even know or different and you don't even know what that is yet. So I think that's true. These expectations around how we think sex should be and how we masturbate. And I think for everyone who's having orgasm, anxiety. Cause these are just like the few emails today. So I know a lot of listeners are going, oh my God, I'm so anxious too. I'm going to tell you it is the same across the board. It's really about realizing that you're the one limiting your pleasure, which is actually a good thing. Because then you realize I'm also in control of finding pleasure and that there's so many paths to it. And just know that it's going to change. It's not always going to be the same. But by taking this time and taking orgasm off the table and just truly like if it's 10 minutes exploring your body, you're going to see like how amazing it'd be like soft touch on your. On your arm and your breasts all over. And this is great work to do. So I feel like, yeah, all the organs of anxiety, people. It's my being mindful, being present. And I like what you said about, you know, using lotion that. That works. Like having a ritual of lotion, lighting a candle, music, all your senses. We're talking about sensory things. Having great, like, throws. Like, I love having soft throws around my house. Like that you can just rub on your body. Just feels great.

Yeah. It's all about turning yourself on. And not just sexually, but just how do you turn yourself on? Like, really asking yourself what. What makes me feel excited in general. And prioritizing. That I think is so big.

Right, Exactly. And it's not just gonna be walking in and touching yourself with it going right at it. But it could be erotica, books, everything.

Yeah, erotica would be a great thing. Like trying different adventures that you haven't tried and just see how it makes you feel. Not like, oh, I need to masturbate. So I'm reading this, but I'm just gonna read this. Like, I love the erotica series that Rachel Kramer Bussell curates and edits. And she has all these different kinds. What if there's, like, some fetish she didn't know she had? Like.

Right, exactly. It might give you. It gives you ideas. The things that you like, your life can't if you keep. Are constantly feeding your brain with new sexy information. Sex positive. It feels good to you. Like, it's part of the equation. It's not just meth, it's mind, body, connection.

Absolutely.

Good point. Okay, so we. I have one more email, Correct? Right, One more. Okay, so this is from Daniel, 33, in Ohio. Hey, Emily. I love your show and all the unique, helpful information you provide. I have a couple of questions surrounding a tricky situation. My fiance, who I've been with for three years, has had genital herpes since the beginning of our relationship. Through protection and planning, we have thus far avoided any transfer. To me, however, this has added some complication to our sex life in a couple ways. First and most important, her diagnosis has left her sexuality a little wounded, with a mental block where she states she can't feel as sexual she wants and from time to time doesn't feel sexy. I try to do what I can to reassure her that she is sexy and that her diagnosis doesn't scare me in any way. But I feel it's not helping her too much. She's seeing a therapist to start Pulling back the layers on that, but no major breakthroughs. I'm wondering if you have any suggestions and what I can do, what I can be doing to help her reignite the confidence I know is inside her. The second has to do with myself. The second point. As her partner, I'm supportive and committed to her, and I'm aware of the parameters of our sex lives when outbreaks arise. That being said, when she may have periods of frequent outbreaks, I cannot help but feel sexually handcuffed by the situation I masturbate. But currently, a simple fallback to that is getting unexciting. Do you have any suggestions as how I can honor my sexual urges while still supporting her and her situation? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks. Okay, Daniel. So the two things are, how can his wife start to feel sexy having herpes? And how does he kind of continue to, you know, still be sexual and masturbate and be into it when. So they're kind of having the same thing, which is outbreak.

Yeah.

So I think y' all sounds very caring and supportive. I love my. You guys.

Wonderful people.

Really wonderful people. So I think that it's great that she's in therapy and it's something that she's gonna have to continue. Continue to work on. I love that you are supporting her. And I think the more that you guys talk about this together, because it still sounds a little bit like a he. She thing. You're like, he. You might not want to let her know how you're feeling, but she's already thinking that you're feeling that. So I think it's okay to have a, like, a real conversation about it. And when I say this, it's not going to be one like, you guys are together, you're married. It's going to be ongoing, but it's going to become part of your intimacy, part of your bond, partner, your vulnerability, even though right now it seems like a problem. So I think just being honest about both these things and letting her know that you want to help her be into it and you want to feel comfortable as well. I just want to drive home the fact that having an STD does not mean that your sex life is over and that it doesn't mean that, like, you guys can't keep exploring and having fun. What do you think about this?

Initially, it makes me so sad how much stigma and shame there is around STIs and STDs, because, first of all, it's more likely that all of us humans will acquire one in our life than not. And yet there's this massive stigma around it. So it breaks my heart to hear that because she is completely still amazing and sexy and beautiful and wonderful. That just does not make you a quote, dirty person. That's the word people use. So I think it's wonderful. Like you said that she's getting therapy support for sure. I do know that outbreaks, there's medication you can take that shortens it. So I imagine, I don't know what her treatment protocol is or if she. She goes with medication. But when there is an outbreak, I imagine, you know, it might only be like a couple of days if. If the medicine is right.

Yeah, A daily suppressive that you could take. I'm assuming that's what she's doing right now. So it should definitely limit the outbreaks. But also like mutual masturbation, like it doesn't have to be. I mean, I love mutual masturbation because it's a sure thing. You're gonna get off. It's hot. It's just, you know, and pleasing each other on some nights without just mutual masturbation and just pleasing each other without taking the sex off the table again or using toys on each other. Like there's different ways to kind of look at your sex life that it's not just penetrative. Yeah.

It's so sexy to have sex without touching. I mean, that is so crazy. Awesome. I think it's one of the biggest turn ons whether you have a condition or not.

Yeah, exactly. Mastery without touching. Yeah, right. And that goes through another thing, like the energy. Right side by side or face to face mutual masturbation. And so true. And again, you guys, if you can't, this is another great thing to do to. To kind of keep the sex interesting that you're not just talking about, you know, the challenges. But again, you guys, porn, erotica, like new talking about new things. Because once you start talking about this thing that is so scary, you know, makes you feel so vulnerable and shame, you're gonna realize that it's gonna explode open so many other ways that you're gonna realize that you can really.

Yeah.

Have connected. Amazing stuff.

It's really true. And one person that comes to mind. Do you know Ashley Manta?

Yes, I do.

She's been very open about having herpes. And she's very sex positive and talks about her sex life a lot. And she's an activist and she's a really cool voice out there. I think maybe if his wife connects or sees these amazing people who. Not everyone needs to be vocal. I'M not saying she needs to go out and be like, hello, I have herpes, but just knowing that there are people out there kind of like people who are short and they're sexy.

Right? Exactly. Actually, no, you're right.

All these people, there's so many people who have herpes and all different kinds of STIs who are having wonderful sex lives. They're wonderful people. And there's a lot of support out there.

So true. And you guys are still getting to the groove. It. So you guys have been together, you know, three years. Just the beginning. And you guys are gonna get through this.

And herpes outbreaks, too, don't they?

Usually they do less now they do if you guys stay with your suppressants and whatever protocol. But, yes, it does. And she'll start to know when they're coming and it'll be. You guys have got this sorted out. August, thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you. This was so.

This was so much fun.

So much fun. Yeah. Congratulations on your book, Girl Boner and her podcast, Girl Boner and her book Girl Boner, the Good Girl's Guide to Sexual Empowerment. I love that. And we can find you. Tell us where we can find you. Yeah, go to all the things.

Augustmclaughlin.com or girlboner.org if that's easier to remember. And I'm on social media and the book is available most places, but Amazon's an easy place.

Good. I think it's good. It's a great gift. Like, just buy it for the women in your life. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. And thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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