Growing Mindsets and Making Impacts with Tom Bilyeu

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There's like a very predictable cycle that people go on. Men become successful and as their partner ages, they become less attractive and so they end up splitting. The guys become more valuable over time. And based on traditional standards of what people are valued for. Men are valued for access to resources. Women are valued for beauty. So I'm like, we are on like opposite paths. I'm going to grow more valuable to the average woman and you're going to grow less valuable to the average man. So what I need you to understand is I don't prize that. What I prize in you is a shared life. There's no way to do that. It's the only thing that can be. It has to be done in real time. You can't short circuit that. So I'm telling you right now, not only do I love you, not only am I on fire for you sexually, but. And I respect you, but I am committed to you. And so it's that commitment that gives us a bond. And that shit is like fire, man. That's how a relationship ages well. Because like you're just. You're raw, you're vulnerable. You open yourself up completely.

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com find us on all social media. It's xwithemilycrosstheboard. It's a good time. Alright guys, enjoy the show. I'm so excited to welcome my guest, Tom Bilyeu. He's a friend and he's also awesome. So he's a co founder, one of the fastest growing companies like in its time Quest Nutrition and now he's the founder of Impact Theory. And I've gone down the Impact Theory rabbit hole this week, I'll tell you that. And his business is all about essentially improving your mindset and it just wants to be the most empowering place on earth. Which we're going to talk about that in a minute. And it actually is, you guys like I tried to poke. I met him and his wife, his wife's a good friend. I was like, how is this really real? That they're that happy, that cool, that inspiring and they're changing the world and it's all real. He's super inspiring and super driven and I've learned a lot from him and I'm excited that you're here. Tom, welcome to the show.

Thank you very much.

And I want to tell my listeners another thing that I feel like what I've gotten from you is that like your show Impact Theory, which has impacted millions of people, people can find it wherever you listen to things, watch things, YouTube, Pact Theory and this is all on our show notes. If you go to sexwithelmily.com, you can find more about Tom. But I feel like a lot of what you talk about is that, you know, is that we can make anything happen. We are kind of blank slates. I wouldn't say that you wouldn't say we're blank slates. I would say that we wouldn't say.

We'Re not blank slates.

Okay, we're not blank slates. But you would say that it's about we can make a lot of things happen that a lot of us Are kind of lazy and we could fix.

Our mindsets that I will aggressively.

Not blank sites. Right. And I actually saw you flip on that with your things, so I got it. We're not blank slate or maybe. Okay, let's just talk about our mindsets for a minute because I feel that, that a lot of what happens on the show too, is that people. People call in. And this is why I'm interested. Because we, like. So a lot of our listeners call in, in their relationship with people and their partner. Usually there's one person in a relationship that wants to work and wants to grow, have a growth mindset, which is a big part of what you talk about. And then there's another. Like, for example.

I really trying to get my partner go to therapy and they won't get to therapy. Or I've lost a ton of weight and I've gotten healthy and my partner won't. And I feel like I, you know, I always say, well, go to therapy and do these different things and talk about it. Like, well, my partner just won't talk about it. And so I feel like you're someone who. You weren't, like, born with this mindset. You weren't born, like, you know, achieving all the things that you have. In fact, you know. Can you talk about your start of impact theory, why you started, how you started it, and where your mindset was then?

I can. How. How brief do you want that? Because it. It is a story that starts when I was 18, but I can tell it in a very quick description.

I think you could do a quick description.

All right, I'll give it to you. This is ultra.

But I'll let you know if you.

Want to drill in. Just.

I will drill in. So let's give me a little and then we'll drill in.

All right. So I've worked in the inner cities a lot, and working in the inner cities, you realize that there are extraordinary people in the inner cities who will do nothing with their life because they don't have the right frame of reference. So their mindset is such, their belief system is such, their values are such that even though they are as extraordinary as, you know, the next person who's done amazing things with their life, they won't. And your zip code is the greatest predictor of your future success, more so than your iq, because frame of reference really, really matters. And I used to ask people, back at Quest, we were growing so fast, I was interviewing people around the clock. We were in manufacturing, so I had literally about a thousand employees that Grew up hard as hell on the streets, inner cities, gang members, former drug dealers, been to prison, that kind of thing. And I asked them this magic genie question to find out, like, what they really wanted. And the answer to what they really wanted was basically a million dollars. And I had asked that question over and over and over and I thought, this is a magic genie, man. Like, how the hell are you gonna ask for a million dollars? Like ask for a trillion dollars or a money printing machine. And the fact that they were all saying the same number was really weird to me. And I was like, why don't they just ask for an unimaginably large amount of money? And I realized they were. And to them, a million dollars was an unimaginably large amount of money, even though you can't buy a house in la. And so it just got me thinking about frame of reference and how their dreams were small because of the way that they were raised. And they were told, you know, you're never going to do anything. I mean, it's crazy. Like, even their own parents would say things like, the world doesn't want someone like you to succeed. Like, imagine your parent telling you that. So they just get set up for failure. And because they weren't thinking big enough, it really charted the course for their life. So I started asking, no bs, what would it take for them to change their mindset? Because I had changed my own mindset. So I had gone from, you know, struggling and feeling lost and frustrated and hopeless and sliding towards depression to learning about the brain understanding mindset. Unfortunately, I didn't have Carol Dweck's seminal work Mindset to go by, so I had to fumble my way through all this. But realizing that I had this sort of innate belief that my talent and intelligence were fixed traits and there was nothing I could do about it. And then I realized that actually that's not true. And even though we're not blank slates, the amount that you can change is really extraordinary.

It is, right? Okay. So. So the thing is though, when you said so what I want to understand is like Tom Bilyeu, when did your mindset. Because you said that they're, you know, they had limiting beliefs or they had things that happened to. And you said that when you were like, was it 18? Your mom was like, you're 17, you're not going to amount to anything and you won't be successful.

She didn't tell me that, thankfully, until I had already succeeded. But she was thinking it.

She was like, he's never going to make it this kid, literally. But then. So you've said things. Because I pulled this. I thought you're a guy who act. Because I want every. I think everyone on the plan do their work. And I think when I say that, feel like, what do you mean by work? But I feel like you and you seem like this guy, in a quote from you is that you said you felt you were weak and emotionally soft.

Yes.

And now you've learned, like, that was not the way you had to stay stuck. And so I'm wondering about that process. Like, when what were you. What. And then are you. Does that mean you're still not emotionally stuck? Like, do you feel like, is it always the struggle? But let's start with you and your mindset then and how you got to where you are now.

Yeah. So I think that emotional rock bottom can be a very powerful thing. And so I graduated from college and I felt like a failure. It's a long story, but I felt like a failure. I was sliding towards depression. I was broke. I had no idea how to make something in my life. And I started reading about the brain. And I am beyond grateful that I did that. And in the late 90s, it was a hot debate as to whether you could teach an old dog new tricks. Is brain plasticity real? Are we blank slates? Are we not? And I just decided to believe that we could change. And so that ended up. It's what I call now the only belief that matters. And if you believe that you can change, then you'll put energy and effort into getting better. So I thought, well, I don't feel good where I'm at now. I can tell I'm really going into a dark place. So the only way out of that was to believe I could improve and that I could one day be so good that I could be successful. And I needed to believe that. So that put me on a path to just improvement. So what I would now call deliberate practice. I didn't have that phrase back then, but, like, you can get good at anything you set your mind to. It's gonna be hard as hell, but you can do it. So it was a very long trajectory, but that was the beginning.

So. But okay, so this is my question though, like, does this mean. Cause I've been watching you, you know, through your work, that like, you, like, you say things. You have your new. So Tom, you guys, you gotta check. You're gonna get. You're also gonna go down the rabbit hole of Tom Bilyeu. So check it out. And they could just Google on YouTube right now, but don't do it now. Cause you wanna listen to the interview. But it's Impact theory. But you also have your conversations with Tom now, which. A little bit longer episodes. But what I heard you say in there was like, well, I'm stupid. I don. So I. I can relate to that because I say that often. Like, I don't in various forms. I'm part of myself, where I'm like, oh, God, I don't know things, or I have imposter syndrome, or I feel dumb. But then I know that I'm smart and they're all like old messages. And then when I hear you say, I'm like, well, Tom thinks that too, but what about his mindset? And maybe you're just so. I'm wondering, just. Do you still have this thing in you? I'm curious that you're still. Some days like, no, I kind of suck. Or every day you're like, I've done the best I can. I'm great. You know, does it ever really go away is what I'm saying.

The negative voice won't go away. And I think that's okay. And I think people need to understand there's an evolution reason that you have the negative voice. So the key is to play the mental jujitsu. So I think the one thing I don't do is ask the sort of fundamental question, which is, can I get better? So I will often say, dude, I'm spastic at this. I'm so bad at this, it's crazy. But I immediately ask myself, well, do you want to get good at it or do you need to get good at it? Because if you do, you can put the energy into it, and then that becomes the real frustration. You can do anything you want, but not everything you want. And so you have to prioritize. But if I say something like, oh, I'm so stupid, or whatever, I'm probably just tongue in cheek, because that doesn't hold power over me anymore. So I don't have any fear of saying something like that.

Right, Right. No, it was more like, well, I'm bad at everything. Something. I don't know. I just feel like. Yeah, I don't feel like you're walking around feeling stupid, but I'm wondering if there's just, you know, parts of you like this in the mindset that you ever. For example, like, I know when you started Impact Theory, you. There was a point where you were going to quit, right? And Lisa, his beautiful, wonderful, amazing wife, who I adore, we're going to party in Vegas next weekend. Anyway, back to you that she talked to you, but you were gonna quit. And I'm wondering, why would Tom Bilyeu not want to do impact theory anymore?

Well, so that's. It was actually a story of when we started doing the interview show back then it was called Inside Quest. And that was just a business decision. I was looking at it and I said, look, I'm to really break through in this, I would have to be the best. I'm not the best. It's gonna be a long road to getting good. I don't know if there's enough business log doing it. And she said, whoa, whoa, whoa. She said this, this is really going to impact people. You're going to do this for a year. If at the end of the year you're not good enough to warrant it anymore and we're, you know, we're not growing, then fine, you can quit. But she could really see the, the long term vision of it where I was just focused on like the business logic behind it and she could see something bigger. And of course that something bigger ends up becoming. We shift our entire focus to the mind and.

Oh, so that was the shift to the mind. Just the mind. Because it's amazing what you guys have built. So you guys talk a lot about. So I was watching also you guys, Lisa when I was on her. So Lisa's got a show called Women of Impact. They're all great, all the impacts. Women of Impact. I was on her show and, and I didn't know her at the time I met you both. Like, I was at your house. It was so fun. I was there. I went there to shoot to be another podcast. Like the Mind Pump podcast.

That's right.

Yeah.

I forgot this the first time.

Yeah. And you guys are like, I don't know where I'm going. They're like, here's the address. And then you guys are walking through the house and you're like this lovely couple. Like energy. You can just tell we were talking about this earlier. Like you just know if you're gonna like people or not, right? Do you feel that way? Like in life energy, it is terrifying.

How fast you can thin slice somebody.

Especially the more you unlike energy. Like I went out with someone the other night. Like, why didn't you like her? I had a new like a friend date like last week and like, well, what'd you think? I'm like, she's cool. Like I liked her. Like, there was nothing wrong. They're like, well, Are you gonna be? I'm like, no, it wasn't like, like when I met your wife, it was like, oh. We were like, oh my God, we should hang out and be friends. So anyway, we met at your house and we went up to. Why was I even talking about that? Where was I going on my train of thought? Oh, we met you with Lisa together. Oh. And then I went on her pod. I met you guys there. Then she was like, come to do my show. And it was like, oh my God, it was this amazing set. Your house, like you guys are serious about your business and everyone who works there is like, it literally is the happy. We're going to get to his vision for starting the the next Disney.

Not just the happiest place on earth, but I'll tell you what it is, but it feels like that the environment there. So anyway, on it I didn't realize and then I was on her show and then I didn't realize that she came on my show and I realized the way she talked about your relationship because she was just coming on talking about women and what she was doing. But she was like, well, Tom and I, we have this way of talking about things. Like, girl, you should be on my. You just come on and be like the resident, like married, been in a 19 year relationship. Woman who actually like. And then at first I met her, I was like, in my brain, I'm like, could they be this happy? Do they really? And they do like they do. You guys have really built solid communication and it hasn't been easy. It wasn't like everything was handy. You work together, you live together, you have all these employees and things that have happened. And so I'd love to like talk about that for a minute. So what, how has that progressed your communication style? And what can we share with our listeners who often don't have that you guys are a couple that I know that legit does the work and it's not that it's perfect, but you've, you know, figured out how to.

Yeah, for sure. So this all goes back to my mom. So I did not have game with women when I was young. So let's start with that.

Okay.

And my mom gave me a really good tip. I was probably 14 or 15. And she said, look, if you want to give a woman an orgasm, it's all about trust. And I was like, trust?

That's your mom.

Yeah. And she was, trust me. My mom was not encouraging me to have sex. My mom was a psycho about me not having sex until I was Older. But it was like one of those key pieces of advice that cut through to my soul. Because let me tell you, as a teenage boy, you can't fathom that. That's true. That's so far from your experience where it's like purely visual. It's like there's a almost like aggressive quality to it. And so she was like, oh, it's all about trust. And I was like, what the hell? And so that put me.

Did you know what an orgasm was at 14? Yeah, of course. Right. Okay.

Well, unfortunately, I grew up at a time where. Well, maybe fortunately, because I graduated high school, I'm not sure I would have if I had access to Internet porn. But I didn't have access to that kind of stuff. But I mean, of course, as a 14 year old boy, you find your penis pretty early.

Yeah. But not orgasm. Okay, so anyway, keep going. Yeah, so I didn't know what it was till I was 21.

Really? That can't be true. What is happening right now?

I don't know. This is why I'm here, right? What, talk about my issues. Yeah. Anyway, I was like having sex and I was like, hello, what's the big deal? Not interesting to me. My friends were like, don't you orgasm? Don't you masturbate? I was like, what the hell are those? I had no idea.

Wow.

I know. So that's when I go on your show and talk about sex. Which you haven't done yet. You haven't talked about sex enough on your show.

Yeah, that is definitely something we've not gone deep on. So anyway, she gives me this key insight and I start realizing I need to. If I want to get laid, I need to start understanding women.

Okay.

And it didn't work, by the way. That is actually a bad strategy when you're that young because you need to project confidence. So I wasn't. I was getting like, even like more soft and more like, you can trust.

Me, I'll carry your books and I won't drop them.

Terrible strategy, which is a whole nother conversation. But anyway, it gets me reading about communication and all that. So it made me a better husband. It just did not make me good at that initial stage of attraction. So anyway, I finally figure out how to actually attract women. But I didn't forget how to communicate. So with Lisa, it was like, hey, I'm interested in one woman for the rest of my life. So when we got together, I actually said, like, I'm either never getting married or I'm marrying this woman. She is the only woman I've ever said I love you to. Like, it's like a whole thing. So we get together and I'm like, look, I want to be married to you. And that's going to be that. And this is going to take work. And so that was so self evident to me that, like, it won't happen by accident. Neurochemistry changes over time. So I think by then a study had come out that showed that if you take someone who's just done a bump of cocaine and put them in an FMRI machine and take someone who thinks about their newly found lover, and you can't tell the difference on a brain scan, it's all dopamine. It's the reward centers, it's craving. It's like all this crazy shit. And I thought, okay, so I know that ends. Nobody stays there. And if you're the kind of person that just needs that high, that next high, you're just like a drug addict. But, you know, sex or love is your drug. So I was like, all right, let us not fall prey to that. So I have this whole belief that if something is predictable, then you should be able to avoid the negative consequences of it. So it was just so predictable that our relationship would change over time. So we talked a lot about, like, how do you grow together, how do you age well together? And so I was like, look, women are prized for their beauty. So let me just tell you right here and now, one day you're gonna be ugly. You're gonna be fucking wrinkles and skin and bone. And that is the truth of where you're headed. And I was like, how old were.

You at this point when you had this conversation with her?

24.

See, look at this. That's amazing that you had that just.

From two things from true Read. People don't read Read. Like, literally every secret you've ever wanted to know has been written in a book. These days it's in a YouTube video or a SiriusXM radio show.

Exactly.

People just need to drink in the information. So it's all out there. So it just comes under what you want.

Young Tom at 24 says you might not.

Okay, now, Tom was also stupid at 24, so let's not get too clappy here.

No, okay, I get it.

I was full of moronic behavior. But just in this one, I definitely set myself up well. So we communicated a lot. And I said, look, I want you to understand there's like a very predictable cycle that people go on. Men become successful, and as their partner Ages, they become less attractive and so they end up splitting. The guys become more valuable over time. And based on traditional standards of what people are valued for, men are valued for access to resources, women are valued for beauty. So I'm like, we are on like opposite paths. I'm going to grow more valuable to the average woman and you're going to grow less valuable to the average man. So what I need you to understand is I don't prize that. What I prize in you is a shared life. There's no way to do that. It's the only thing that can be. It has to be done in real time. You can't short circuit that. So I'm telling you right now, not only do I love you, not only am I on fire for you sexually, but, and I respect you, but I am committed to you. And so it's that commitment that gives us a bond. And that shit is like fire, man. That's how a relationship ages well because like, you're just, you're raw, you're vulnerable, you open yourself up completely. And you say, even though I understand the neurochemistry, I will always find. Have you seen those? The who women find attractive. Age group women find attractive. The age group men find attractive.

Yeah.

This is so crazy. Yeah. For people that have never seen this before, I want you to understand, women find guys attractive that are within two years of their age, no matter where they're at. Okay? So if they're 40, then they find a guy from like 38 to 42 attractive. So there's like that four year window for a guy, it is always, no matter what age they are, it's always 22.

Right.

I was like, that's fucking crazy. Like, as a woman, that shit would be terrifying.

Right? So now we're all terrified.

Well, no, no, no.

Thanks for reminding us all.

Here is what you want.

Thanks for driving the cars off the road.

You need to have a conversation because if you can predict it and discuss it, then you can avoid the stupidity of it. So I just said, look, I will always find a 22 year old attractive, but I'm gonna share a life with you. And so I don't want you to be paranoid that you're going to age. Now, look, she's 40 and fucking hot as hell, but she's gonna be 80 one day and barring some like, magical breakthrough, she will be wrinkly as the day is long. So I just, I needed her to know. The thing that is intoxicating to me is a shared experience to share this life with someone that's your.

Okay, so this is the thing because I would love every single person listening to men going, yes, it's not about beauty anymore. It's about. Because what you're talking about is shared experiences, but also just communication, connection, having a plan, discussing your values, making sure you're having sex. Yeah. Treating each other really well, learning how to fight, you know, smart, communicate well. So many people are not well. That's why, you know, I, I will always have a job here. Like people just don't know and they're like, oh well that 22 year old looks great. Because my wife and I have never communicated about these things ever. And she's, you know that they just don't even have what you're saying. So I feel like I would love that to get into the mind of people, but they're thinking like it. But every woman's attractive. I actually don't even. How could they get. Just seems impossible to tell people. You can't you. That you will choose that over beauty, that you will choose longevity. Like I would love that. How could.

What kind of campaigns could we start and very easy one. Ready? You can always trust people to be selfish. So if you want to be a good partner, then you want to make that person feel better about themselves when they're around you than when they're not. And let me tell you, people will be true to that. It does not matter like how hot the next person is. It's like if all they have to offer is carnal experience. And look, there are going to be some people that they just haven't done the work to get beyond that. And so there's stuck in sort of that loop of it's a drug like loop. So you have to be good enough to recognize when somebody's stuck there. But like if the way that Lisa makes me feel is supported, is loved, like I'm fucking seen in like the Avatar way, like I see you, motherfucker. I know your weaknesses. I know the things that you're insecure about. And I'm here for you. I'm with you. And I'm not with you because you've pulled the wool over my eyes. I've seen you at your worst and I'm still here like that shit.

That's what we all want. I think we're all nodding in here. But what I have to say is what I would love, Tom, and I guess this is what you do with all the really impressive body of work that you've created in the last few years with Impact theory is that, like, what I want is for people to. Because, like, you just said, a lot of people don't do the work. And I. We all know, like, there is an epidemic. And again, I hate to use gender here, but many men don't grow up until for forever.

Or women hate to use gender.

I hate to be like. Because people call it heteronormative relationships. I hate to say that it's always men and always women.

Can I really piss people off for a second? This is the very thing that made me realize that we are not blank slates. Read the book. A Billion Wicked Thoughts. It will change you forever.

Okay.

It is so crazy. It shows what do. So they've been trying to study sex forever, right? To really, like, understand what people are into. But of course you're gonna lie. So even if I tell you, I'm the experimenter and I tell you, don't worry. Completely private. It's anonymous. No one's ever gonna know it was you. People still lie. So they. You just couldn't get a good read on, like, who was into what. And then these two Google engineers realized, wait a second. People search for porn all day, every day. And we can tie it back to gender and all kinds of things, socioeconomics, all that. So why don't we look at. It's anonymous, but why don't we look at this data and see what people are really into? And the book is a detailed account of how fucking different men and women are. It is crazy.

Sexually, we are. Yeah, it's true. In our brains. That is true. I just feel like you get it. You don't get it. In relationships, people.

I think if you don't understand how different people are, like, by. So let's just.

Okay, so. Yeah. Well, let me just say, go back to my point. Is that typically it is. I feel that at this point. And what we hear is that more so men than women that a lot of friends I have, people call in. They're responsible for the mental health of their partners. Getting to, like. I just wish he would open up. He won't go to therapy. He has never cried. He hasn't dealt with his mommy issues. He's, you know, has all. Now he's, like, drinking too much or like, he just literally, like, all my friends. These are like. Because my close friends been married for 10, 15 years, and they're just exhausted. And it's like, there's just men. And I have many close guy friends now in their 40s, 50s, and I really feel like I've known them for 20, 30 years. Like friends from San Francisco. Wherever I grew up with, there's just some. I'm like, at this point, they're not gonna do the work. Like it's not even interesting. Like people have been telling them, like every woman they've broken up with has probably said, like, go to therapy. And they just won't do it. And so I'm wondering, like, I would. I want Tom, just like you to go talk to men about this stuff. Because like, how do you get them there? Like, what would be the hook? Because I'm saying, go to therapy. Feel your feelings. Things are blocked. But how do you get men? Like, is it the growth mindset that you guys talk about? Because you talk a lot about that in your show and that kind of self improvement. I kind of like the way you say that. Maybe growth mindset is better than being like, go to therapy. Go to Tom's University. What? Because do you know these guys?

Of course, right?

Are you just hanging out with them? The people who are more.

I mean, look, sure, of course I attract a certain kind of person. So my friends are not going to be the more typically.

But you know who I'm talking.

Of course. But so here's the bad news. I. And I've taken a lot of flack for this because I'm so fucking cavalier about it. But the reality is you cannot want it for somebody if they're not gonna do the work that's on them. Do not waste your time and energy trying to convince somebody who has no interest in being convinced. So they'll never get there. Like they, it maybe, like they might.

Get there on their own, but not cause we asked them to.

A hundred percent like it. Look, I'm willing to accept that we can literally do anything that doesn't violate the laws of physics. But some things are gonna take so much time and energy, you have to ask, why am I investing that much time and energy into doing that? Like for instance, if we really had to change a guy. Have you ever seen the movie the Game?

Yeah.

Okay. And they do this elaborate hoax that goes on for like a year or something and they finally get this guy to essentially commit suicide, right? But they save him with an airbag and it's like, oh, you finally learned your lesson. So you could go to those extremes and maybe it would work. But it's like, God, is it really worth it? So I get it that this is like me at my most typically masculine. I'm just like, I don't have time for that. Shit.

Right.

Like, if somebody's not willing to do the work, that's.

Well, that's. Well, that's it. So. Because I was thinking when I started ask. Asking about when you said that you were, like, weaker and emotionally, you weren't as evolved. It sounds to me like you pretty much. It was more about the confidence stuff or working on mindset, but you always had sort of an emotional compass.

Yeah, well, how about I use different language, please? I. I have always been very in touch with my feminine side. And when you don't understand masculine energy and feminine energy and what's attractive.

Then you find yourself in trouble. Because I have had some ridiculous missed opportunities because I was not approaching it with confidence. I was being feminine and more withdrawn and like, oh, God, it literally is making me cringe inside to even talk about this right now. So it's like to. To do that, set me up to be. To have a skill set that was very powerful as a husband. But I could never get to that stage without first realizing, no, you have to, like, toughen the fuck up. You've gotta, like, get strong and centered and you've gotta be able to step into confidence and all of that. And then it was like, whoa, I could actually attract women. Yeah, that was like a game changer for me.

We're gonna take a quick break and we come back even more with Tom Bilyeu.

Tom Bilyeux from Impact Theory. If you've been liking what you've been hearing, you could go to Impact Theory University.

Yes.

They could take. They could.

Send men there. So the men listening can we. They could go there and then maybe you could be like. Like, teach them the things that you learned to want to open up and be a man.

That. That is literally. The idea is to give people the things that they need to do to get their mind in a place where whatever their goal is, they're able to accomplish it. And you have to have clarity, though. So the guy's gonna have to know what he wants. Like, in a relationship, you have to know what you want.

But see how. What are your tools for that, for knowing what you want? I think that we all walk around literally just dating random people and no one actually knows what they want.

Correct.

I've been working on that with my team here. I'm like, why are you dating? Like, if we just had a plan, then it wouldn't be so random. Like, you'd just be like, that is a deal breaker and I'm out. So this can help with that at your university?

Yeah, no, Question. We don't talk specifically about relationships, but we will getting your. Yeah.

Ooh, I'll be. Yeah, totally.

Oh, my God, that would be amazing. That would be the greatest thing ever.

I mean, okay.

Beautiful.

It could be like a graduate degree. Yes. And then I'll teach a sex class. Of course.

Obviously. I love it the most.

Next. Got it. Okay. We haven't gotten to your sex life yet, but we will. Okay, so let's talk about the. Because I think what we're talking about then is. Is. And you guys can find this all@impact.

Theory.Com impacttheory.com Nice and easy.

You're gonna love it. Your site's. They have to do everything. I kind of had, like, production envy the first time I went to their house. I was like, like, all the things. It's just all. Well done. Well done.

Thank you. That's all Lisa, by the way.

See, I love that wife.

Dude, that chick is.

I know, dude. There's like, literally no one like your wife. Amazing. See, she was someone I knew. I knew them. I fell in love with your wife the moment I met her.

Can I tell you something? Like, you know how people say, oh, she's my better half. Lisa is my better 80%. Like, for real. It's crazy. She is in the extreme. So, first of all, she grew up in a really traditional household. So when we met, she was like, on a housewife, and that was gonna be her thing. And then like nine years into our marriage, 10 years into our marriage, something like that, she was like, actually, you know what? I wanna be an entrepreneur. And I was like, whoa, this is. This is a change up. That was actually the hardest thing I ever went through, 1,000%. She used to make my lunches, my dinners, set my clothes out for me, everything. And she was like, I'm gonna stop all of that and I'm gonna become an entrepreneur. And that was some shit. Like, that wasn't easy to process through. And so it all came down to, all right, how gross is it if you tell your wife to be less than she wants to be because you want her to, like, take care of you? I was like, okay, I can't do that. So I was like, I'm gonna empower you. Whatever you want. Like, let's fucking do it. And watching her blossom into the human that she is now has been insane.

I can't even imagine her. I mean, I've seen all of her. Her Instagrams and her poet. I mean, she's telling me her stories, but, like, she's really? That's amazing. But you guys were able to change together and grow. So when you said that, that was really hard for you. Because I think a lot of people can also relate to people changing in relationships is why it often doesn't work. You're whistling for a long time. We are always going through changes. But how, like, what did that look like? Was it like you were upset for a day that no one was gonna do your laundry, make lunches? Was it a month? Was it a year of transition?

A lot less than a year.

Was like, subtle. So at first it's not like she said, let's sit down. I want to tell you my new life goal is to be an entrepreneur, right? So it started with, hey, I just need some help. Can you like ship these protein bars off? You know, it'll be super minor. And then like, it just was escalating a little bit. And I'm like, hey, do you still want to keep doing this? She's like, yeah, actually, I really like being involved. And she started stepping into it and it was like, whoa, you're actually really good at this. And then it was like kind of startling how good she was. And then she was like, look, I'm so busy doing this now, it's basically a full time job. I'm not going to be able to do that stuff. And I was like, yeah, of course. And then I was like, oh, this actually kind of sucks. And so you're like, ooh, do I want an ultra ambitious wife? I'm not sure if I do. And so then you start talking through it and she's like, because we had like a really simple relationship. It was like your typical, like, I don't want to say 1950s, but it was like, look, I went, I can't.

Even imagine her with an apron taking cookies out of the oven.

Like, I just can't rightly so. But that is legit where she started. So it was. I said, I want to work. You're going to stay home, you're going to raise the kids. Like, that's going to be the whole thing. But it was like, oh, let's wait a little while to have kids. And then it just kept being like two years, two years, two years. And then all of a sudden it was like, I don't know if we really want kids. And she's like stepping into being an entreprene. And then seeing her really step into a peer role with me, that was like, okay. And so we got over the transition pretty fast.

Cause there's ego stuff in there too, of course.

And so you have to have rules. And so one of my rules is your partner should always feel better about themselves when they're around you than when they're not. So I'm like, I have to empower her. I want her to become the person she wants to become. And we need to, like, sort of equalize and figure out what that is is. And we're very clear about defining roles. So whoever's gonna play whatever role, fine. Doesn't matter. But say out loud whose role is what. So we co founded Impact Theory, but who's gonna be the CEO? Who. If we're arguing and we're at loggerheads, who's gonna make the decision? And so we had to state out.

Loud, I bet you won.

I wasn't even winning. It was like, look, we both have a certain skillset.

True skill set. Yep.

We need to be honest about what I'm good at at and what you're good at. And if you can move forward knowing that I will try never to need to make a decision without, like, us agreeing, I will try always to convince you I will try one. You often have the better idea, and whenever you have the better idea, we're going to go with your idea. Like, I'm very good at recognizing that. But when we are at loggerheads, where you think you have the best idea and I think I have the best idea, my vote will win every single time. And are you okay with that? Now, here's what makes my wife fucking special. She doesn't just say that. She actually lives it. And so she will try to convince me. No question. She will put her heart and soul into it. But when we get to the point where it's like, I disagree, but I commit, she flips the switch, she commits, and she's all in. And you wouldn't know that 45 seconds ago, she was, like, vehemently opposed to it. She is ninja level at that point.

She is. That's amazing to me. So how did you. I mean, like, that's. When I first had Lisa on the sex family podcast. I was like, whoa, like, the way that you guys communicate. Because people often say, oh, you should treat your relationship like a business, but in a way, you should at least have your boundaries, the role set up. There should be an org chart. Yeah, of sorts.

I mean, we have talked a lot about, like, okay, what's my personality type? So I'm a very type A alpha type. She is very comfortable as somebody who nurtures and supports. And so if you look at the. We saw this documentary on wolves and it's since sort of been debunked and people have kind of called it out, but it's so powerful as an analogy, I'm going to keep using it. So in a wolf pack, the alpha isn't necessarily the biggest and the strongest. The alpha is the decision maker. The beta often is bigger and stronger, and the beta goes, look, I'm not the right one to be making all these decisions, but I will fuck anybody up who tries to mess with the alpha. And so I was like, that's really our dynamic. Look, I have the vision, I will execute, I will get us there. And she trusts in that and has been ride or die from day one.

Right.

And understands that her where she really shines, like her natural skill set, what she gravitates towards is being in that role to facilitate that, like making it happen, whatever the hell it takes. Like whether it's clearing a path and just going in and like being logistical or whether it's, you know, nurturing the staff, like, whatever.

Right. It really is a really impressive kind of magical connection that you guys have. But now that we only have a few minutes left, we gotta get into your sex life. So I need to know specifically, and I'm not gonna get too many, but, like, what. What did it change as you saw her, like, change from being the housewife turning into something else. You know, how has your sex life evolved over the years?

That's interesting. The only. So it definitely did not change as we as she stepped into a peer role. So that is. And sexually is probably where our roles go to their sort of most natural of I am more dominant, more aggressive and she is receptive to that, that, you know, she's not like the aggressor like that. Which is a dynamic that I think we both prefer and are very comfortable there and very traditional in that way. But she knows exactly what she wants and she will tell you and speak up. And she is not bashful in any way, shape or form. She is incredibly sexy and sexual and yeah, she's. She's an amazing communicator. She's going to get hers. There's no, like, you know, as long as it was good for you, it's fine. That's not been a problem from the beginning.

That's not her.

Like, she is.

And I heard you guys liked Forea. It was the weed loop.

Oh, yeah. I was like, foreia, what the hell, dude? Yeah, that stuff's rad. Like, she really.

Yeah, she liked it.

I Would say more than, like, that it's been important for her.

I'm so glad. I gotta bring her more.

Yeah, Yeah.

I always bring sex toys. You guys invite me to your house, I bring you sex toys. Just saying.

Not a bad invite.

I do. It is not a bad invite. Cause I'm always. I'm a good time, but then I show up with toys.

Nice.

Exactly. How about that, Tom? Okay, so. So the other thing was. I want to hear. I was just gonna say we have a minute about. Oh, so if you guys sexually. So let's just say this. Do you think the same communication skills. Like, do you feel like you guys have had to talk about sex in this way, too? Like, challenges around sex? Do you feel like.

It's always come pretty natural to us, but we have had endless conversations. Like, there's nothing more fun than for us to get in, like, a little corner of a restaurant somewhere to have some drinks. And then I will literally show up with a list of the craziest questions you can imagine and be like, what about this? How would you feel about that? And by doing that, like, just mining the deepest recesses of each other's fantasies with no judgment, being like, whoa, that would be fun for you. See, that's it.

You ask questions. See, that's it.

You can't imagine how many questions. I literally. There was one time, I think, on an anniversary trip, I showed up with, like, 78 questions.

Well, no. There are lists of questions that can predict success and success in couples, help couples get intimate really quickly. Like a book of 100 questions or something like, that's. We need to do it. So that is such a great example of how you guys have probably kept it interesting.

Yes.

Because you're learning more. You're asking questions. God, I love all of this. Do you think that it's possible, since you're all about acquiring skills, do you think that it is possible for anybody to learn the skills to change their mindset if they want to, to become a better communicator, to open up their heart, to become. Have a. Have a stronger mindset, to become a better man? Is there a case where you're like, no, I don't think they could learn that.

It is quite literally a biological fact that anyone can do that. Like, literally. And I know if we had more time, I could actually explain the biology. But, yes, anyone.

Anyone could do it. So. So really. So for many of our listeners right now, if they're with someone, it's just the fact, and they've tried to talk to them. It's not. They can't, they won't. They have to decide on their own.

And look there, there could of baggage around that could be a lot of unwinding. But since we're running out of time, I will say this. Get a professional therapist. Do MDMA with your partner. It will change every fucking thing. I haven't done it. Full disclosure but the studies are so clear on this. Grab your partner, do MDMA all in in like a licensed setting.

In a licensed setting, yes. Okay Transformative Tom, you got to come back. Tom Bilyeu thank you for being here. Everyone can find you at Impact theory@tom billyu on Instagram and everywhere It's Sex with Emily. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Lisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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