Guilty Pleasures: Fetishes & Ex Sex

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mark on our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, that feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com you're gonna love our site. We love wherever you listen to podcasts. It's great and it makes life a lot easier when you subscribe and you comment and you tell us why you like the show. That's amazing. You can also find me on Sirius XM Radio five nights a week on channel 109. It's Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 Pacific, 8 to 10 East. You can get a free 30 day trial by visiting sexwithemily.com smart and you can always call in with your questions. Triple 894-782-77. As always, all social media across the board. It's eexwithemily. Alright guys, enjoy the show. People are not having sex with their partners and this is different than the, the sex crisis we were talking about earlier with the capital S. This is the mini sex crisis that's happening in all of your homes. There's just a little teeny crisis happening everywhere. Small s, small s, small smallest. So I know that everyone has like different details and that makes your situation very, you know, unique. And there are certain things that come into play in those situations. I get it. But there's some things that are kind of standard across all relationships and certain things that you could do to like knock it out and be like, okay, we're not having sex. We're not having as much sex as we want. And I'm, I want to tell you guys like this, this is going to be very relatable, I think, to a lot of you. So, so here's an example to the. Here's a question, an example. We get a lot of these and then I'm gonna give you some ways to just take those next steps. Like these are my top ways to move that needle. So you can stop not having sex and then figure out why you're not and then problem solve. So you want to read this, Jane? Yes.

So this one came to us from Ryan, who's 36 in North Carolina. He wrote hi Emily. My wife and I have been in a rough spot in our marriage last year or so. Our sex life is non existent and I feel like it's a chore for her. I try to get her turned on or in the mood, which doesn't seem to work. So I finally had to just have to ask her if she wants to have sex, which she usually says no to. When we finally do have sex, it seems like for my wife, it's over before it even starts. This didn't used to be an issue. I'm not sure how to handle this.

Alright. Okay, Ryan, thanks for the email. And can you guys relate to this? Can you kind of see when you hear this story, do you see part of yourself in this? Perhaps.

Maybe you know, you're, it's, you're. But you know, maybe you're the wife and you come, your husband doesn't want sex. Right. Or maybe you're in a long term relationship or shorter term, but you're just finding out that like you are initiating, your partner just says no. And that when you have sex, when you actually do have sex and you're doing initiating, not so great, you feel like it's over. It just like happens and you just, your partner just like get over with and it's done. I think we can relate to that. Right? Okay, so here's where to start. Let's say you're the partner that wants to have sex. Here's ready. This is kind of like a, I was thinking earlier, like a choose your own, like what the nice steps. Like, is it the choose your own adventure thing or.

It kind of is.

It sort of is. So for starters, here you go. Number one, I want to do a frigging chart. Have you ever talked about your sex life?

Yes or no? If you haven't, don't do anything else but go talk about it? Yeah, if you have, I want to know, were those conversations around a particular issue? Was it like one thing? Like, you know, why, you know, don't you initiate or what are you into? Or why do we already have sex more? Was like one thing or was it like, was it about positive? Was it curious? The way that we talk about, the way I talk about in the show.

So now that you know, those are the ways to talk about it. Now that you know you need to talk about it. Have you asked them.

Why they're not into it? Like, have you ever just said, what do you think it is? Like, get curious.

Mm. So you mean instead of being like, why don't you want sex right now? Yeah, just being like, why don't you think you're into it at all?

Yeah, it seems like it's lately, you know? Cause come on, you can only have a headache every so often or be stressed out about work or the kids. I know that goes on you guys for a long time. But like, why do they think they're not, you know, into it? Besides that? Can you go deeper and without. Again, you have to hold a space for them. You're in it together. So you're not. Like, this is gonna take a few tries perhaps, but just let them know that you're whatever it is, you're there to work on it. And then you find out. You make it to place, you can find out did they ever really enjoy sex ever? They know. Find out their sexual history, because if it's going on for a while, you could say, is this familiar to you? Is this something that's happened before? Do you, you know, when you were younger, did you want more sex and you know, just kind of. Do they experience pleasure? How do they masturbate? Do they masturbate or fantasize? And then some other things are. Like when you are trying to initiate the sex, how are you initiating it?

I think that that one is like. So it's true. It's like if you try to initiate sex, the same with the same. If it's the same, that saying, like, if you do the same thing over and over again, that's insane. It's a definition of insanity.

Yeah, it's definition of boring too.

Yeah. Oh my God. Exactly. Doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. Like, it's not.

Absolutely. That's what happened with your sex life. Exactly. It's getting boring. You're doing it the same way.

And also it might not even be what your partner's into, how you're initiating it and like, are you trying to. And if you are doing it the same way and your partner, it's not working. Are you doing this thing that we love to call foreplay? I don't love to call it foreplay because I'd love to change the name. But are you doing that? Because that's a requirement for many women. I know we require it. It's like all of our biology. We actually need the warm up and we need the sexy words and the time and the talks or the oral sex and the kissing. And are you trying to do that before doing that same thing over and over again? Like, have you tried to mix it up or do you have any intimacy in your relationship besides the sex? Going back to Ryan's email here, but for everybody haven't for, you know, bigger than Ryan, you know, are you, you know, are there, you know, has always been a Problem?

Yeah, I mean, it's. I think this is it. So if someone is not like, how can you. How can you kind of force someone without forcing them to have these hard talks about sex like your partner's not into it?

How can I force them without like.

You know, like, obviously you can't be like, you need to answer the question. But kind of saying that in a.

Nicer way, like it's more like you have to say I. It's really about what we always say, Jane, that you have to. Your partner cannot opt out of the sex.

Conversation. The sex. It's almost like the sexual responsibility in the relationship. And I don't mean the responsibility to have sex every day and all that. The responsibility to have a sexy. To have a hella sexy. Have a. Have a healthy sex life. So it's kind of like you might have to get them there. They might be like, I don't wanna talk about it. I don't know. I don't know. But eventually it's like, no, baby, I want us both. It's so important for us to be. For intimacy and for connection. And I. And I want that. I know we had at the beginning. I'm assuming that a lot of people in law had it at some point and we need to figure it out together. So, you know, I have a question.

What if you are on the other.

End of the spectrum?

What if you are not the initiator but the initiatee. Like, what are tips or like suggestions that you can, you know, provide for any. Anybody else who's on the other side. You know, like ways to open up your mind to listen to your partner and.

Well, yeah, I guess a lot of those people who are just like, they, they're. Yeah, you're right.

How do you understand, you know, where they're coming from?

I think it's being not knowing that it's not about. Because what happens is the reason why these conversations are so hard is because we immediately think we blame ourselves and we think we're doing something wrong. So the second our partners even talk about sex, since we've never heard anybody ever talk about it in our entire lives until this moment, probably, or at least in a way that's not weird or that doesn't. Isn't offensive. Like maybe it's why didn't you do this or that, but they're actually being loving with it. It's confusing. So they might shut down and be like, oh, I.

Know that they're doing it. You know, So a way is just to come into it. With more, with an open mind and open heart and think, maybe there's something more to this. Maybe it's not to get out of your head that it's about something you've done wrong. And I think this is a good lesson for every time you get feedback or you hear something's bad. I think we all are. I know I do this, so this is why I'm telling you this. I blame myself before I even others. I think, oh, what'd I do wrong? You know? So I think it's fucking. We're all such. It's not about us most of the time anyway. So it's about you. And especially if you're in a relationship, it's about both of you. So just knowing that your partner's coming to you because they want to, they love you and they want to make it work. And if. And also I think we have to all send a little love to ourselves because it's really freaking hard to have great sex. It's really hard to be in a relationship, number one. And then to even figure out this mysterious world of sex that nobody ever taught us about and no one ever talks about. No one ever. There's nowhere to learn about it unless you happen to like tune into this show or you've bought some books and I don't know where else listen to podcasts, not a lot of places, so you had to seek it. So it's just go easy on yourself that most of us are failing at it. We are in a sex crisis how we started the show, so most of us are kind of just climbing up from where we're at, if we're even trying. And a lot of you are listening to the show to get there. So just know that every day is a new day to start again. So even if your sex life has been abysmal or absent, troublesome the last 30 years of your life or 30 days of your life or whatever it is, today's a new day. And if you've never actually had the healthy conversation about it in a way that was open and without that, you promised and you pledge not to be judgy or blameful or all these things, then good for you. It's a new day. Guess what? The possibilities are endless. You guys are listening. You. You heard Kenny call in four months ago. He was like our email here, Ryan. He wasn't having great sex. He and his wife weren't talking about. He loved his wife very much. And then he. Four months he'd been listening to show and made some changes and so I think this is hopeful, you guys. It's not. If you've never talked about it or you haven't, maybe you just did once or twice. You haven't really done the work that I talk about. Because there's more to it than just talking, then that's a great news. Your life is not over. Your relationship is not over. Your sex life is not dead. You could still start again right now and make it amazing. So I think it's hopeful.

Inspired.

That's us.

Solve the sex crisis. Rent.

I love when people call back.

I did, too. It was so inspiring that he called in and how it's changed. We love hearing about you with that. We love hearing everything. Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven.

So what if. What if the problem, though, that they're having with the sex is pain?

Okay, that's a good one. So, right, we're going back to our. Choose your adventure here. If you have pain, that's the only time where I say you should not. I mean, I think that's pretty blanket. Like, if you are in pain, you should not have sex. And in fact, if you're in pain, you shouldn't be having pain. Now, people have pain. 80% of women experience pain at some point in their lives. And if those women, most of them don't ever get help and they don't know why, and they just assume that they normalize the pain. But if you have a vulva and you're having pain, vulva, vagina, same. Yeah. Do the research. Go see a pelvic floor physical therapist. Go find out the root cause of what the pain is. And even if you went to see your gynecologist or your western medicine doctor, some of them are very advanced in these areas and they know that there are other solutions. But some might just say, go home and it's in your head. I don't see anything wrong. You're just stressed out. No. A lot of times there are problems that women have that you don't normalize the pain or give up on sex because of it. Give up on intercourse, don't do any penetration, but don't give up on your relationship and intimacy and seek help. We've got a lot of shows and a lot of information how to do that. So that's. If you're having pain as a woman, as a vulva owner, if you're having any kind of penis challenge, anything at all, Erectile dysfunction, pe, premature ejaculation, just you don't have desire or drive, find out, like, has it always been a problem. If it has. Like, let's say they, like a lot of men are delayed ejaculators, for example, and they didn't know. Like, maybe they probably always have taken them a long time to ejaculate. So find out. Or has it always come really quickly? Also find out are they masturbating a lot? Are they masturbating to the point where it's impacting their sex life? So find out how much. Don't judge your partner if they're masturbating every day or once a week that they have a problem with masturbation. Like they have a. But there are people who are masturbating to the point where it is. This is when we know we have a problem with it is when there's consequences. And the consequences are that you can no longer get stay hard or get aroused with your partner or you keep having to keep elevating the stimuli to get yourself turned on again. So that's part of it. The other thing is find out are there any medications. This goes for men and for women. There are so many medications that are like hidden, that have hidden side effects that they don't talk. Your doctor doesn't tell you that absolutely is going to. Majority of them will impact your sex Drive, like SSRIs, antidepressants. For many people who take them, it will impact your sex drive or blood pressure medication. So find out medications, find out. Also, if you're a little bit in your 40s, 50s, have they gotten their hormones tested? Some people have low hormones in their 30s. Like that just happens. Get your hormone tested. Talk to your doctor. And then if you tried all the pills for our penis owners, you tried all the things. There are some amazing treatments now too that are like blowing my frigging mind, actually. For penises and vaginas. Blowing my mind right now. What is happening? The technology that can help women with pain and urinary incontinence. And for men, Gainswave is this super cool treatment that's. I can't even believe it exists, that uses sound waves to essentially reopen the blood flow to your penis. That's what happens because plaque builds up in your penis and that's why you're having some challenges. Perhaps. These are all the things that could be going on. Right? So that's why you're not having sex, because no one's having these conversations. So anyway, if you want to know more about. Yeah, Gainswave is cool too, go to our show notes. So anything we're talking about here sexwithemily.com or all show long you can find in the show notes. So. But I think hearing about gains weight, like, whoa. Because I don't love the idea of men having take a pill. Mm. I just don't. I don't love it. And if there's something, a treatment that actually works on the plaque, the buildup, I think it's cool. So there's a lot of things going circling back to wherever Ryan's email. There's a lot going on with your partner who might not wanting to have sex right now. And here's how to find out how to have better sex. And once you have those conversations, everyone's gonna be like, kenny, you called in earlier, having amazing sex with his partner all over the house again.

That's a goal.

That's a goal. Call us. We'll help you with anything. Triple 894-78277.

Okay, let's talk to Arlene because she is 48 in Alabama, and she's getting pressured into having a threesome.

Ooh, Arlene.

Tell me everything. Pressure. I don't love the sound of the pressure. Into a threesome. What's going on?

Arlene?

Arlene. I hope she's not being pressured right now. Arlene, come back. Arlene. Oh, Arlene.

Okay, well, yeah, I don't know. Okay, well, Arlene, if you're listening, call back.

I love a good three. Threesome just spices. I feel a little heavy right now.

Oh, I just. I was like, you know, no, pressure. Don't.

Well, you guys. Well, I just feel heavy, but not. I mean, a little, like, tense. Like, heavy. Like, I'm not. Not heavy, maybe just intense. It is.

It's an intense subject. It's really hard.

Oh, my God. Arlene, I want you not to pressure in a threesome, and I want you to have a really good threesome, if only if you want to. But no one should pressure you into doing anything sexually.

Okay. Well, until Arlene comes back, let's talk to Terry, 60, in Illinois, who wants to ask about the potential dangers of open relationships.

Hey, Terry. Let's talk about it.

Hey, how are you?

Good. How are you? Hey, Terry.

No, I. I know the potential dangers. I just kind of wanted to talk.

Yeah, talk to me.

About 18 years ago, we actually got into a threesome, and part of it was exploring my sexuality with my wife at the time. And she actually fell in love with the other fella. And we had young kids at the time, so I ended up raising my children, you know, by myself. And she went married the other day. So exploring your sexuality inside your marriage like that isn't always gonna get the results that you like.

Yeah, no, I hear you, Terry. And so, but yeah, what I would say is, well, go ahead, keep going. I'll let you say something else here.

Well, there, there is, there is nothing, you know, at the other.

Because, Terry, here's the thing. But what I want to say to that is absolutely, that's everyone's. That's. That's the bad. That's the, you know, that's when it goes wrong. That's when people are like, had a threesome. That's everyone's biggest nightmare. Sorry, Terri. You lived everyone's biggest nightmare around having a threesome. However, how you prevent it. And my advice to everybody and Arlene is that, like, if she calls back, nobody should have a threesome until you, your relationship is on the most solid ground ever. Like, you've talked about it, you've explored it. You, your relationship. You're not doing it to explore your sexuality. Terry, you said to explore, I don't know, the other.

All of it. You know, Emily, that is fine and dandy, but people explore sexuality and have relationships and as you age and go through between where you were 25 or 30 and 60, you know, there's a lot. If you're healthy and reactive to your partners, there's a lot of good sex going.

Right.

So part of it's inside a marriage and part of, or, you know, committed relationship and part of this and a non monogamous type of relationship that you have.

Yeah.

So I think the real thing is when you find a partner is are you going to be monogamous or are you not?

Right. You decide before.

It's kind of one of the. One of the basis of when you seek out relationships what you'd like with that other partner.

Yeah. But then it change. It could change. And they have to be open to like, what happened then if you do decide to open it up or have a threesome, then you, like, don't. You don't decide, like, let's do it tomorrow night. Oh, we should do it Friday night. You know, you like. No, you don't.

It's something that's talked about for months. Exactly.

All right. Or. Yeah. So, Terry, did you. So how's your life been the last 18 years, though? What'd you figure out about your sexuality?

Oh, it's been awesome.

Oh, good. All right, Terry.

Very, very fluid. And I enjoy it. And boyfriends and girlfriends and it's been very good.

Good, Terry.

And gains Weight, by the way, seems to work very well.

Oh, you, you, you tell me, did you try it?

I have tried it and it's worked very well. So.

Good, Terri. Oh my God. That's what I've heard. It's amazing, isn't it? Like, so that's helps you with.

It's amazing.

Yeah. Okay. Terri, I'm so glad you called. Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it. It's true, you guys. It can get tricky and you just gotta open relationships. Though there are more talks about it now, I think that people are more. They understand that it's not like just for crazy. Oh, swinging and. No, some people are into it, but. And it works for a lot of couples. It just has the same thing. I always say, communication is a lubrication. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls.

Let us talk to Kendra, who is 30 in Chicago and says that she has never had an orgasm without a vibrator.

Hey, Kendra, thanks for calling.

Hello.

Hello.

So I have to preface this by saying that sex has always been great. So it's not like failing in that. But I, in my 20s, got a vibrator and started kind of exploring that and then got married and we started bringing that into sex. And now I just feel like I'm reliant on it. And I think my husband thinks that too, because he'll even say. He doesn't seem to mind that. He'll even say, grab your vibrator. You know, like he wants me to enjoy it as much as he is. And I think he sees that that's happening. So I don't know that I find them not orgasming without it. Just want to know if there's something I can do to not be so reliant on it.

You could try. Yeah. I mean. Well, here's the thing. Have you ever. You've had orgasms without it before, right? You said earlier on.

I think, I mean, yes, I've been sexually active for a while. So yes, I've had what I think is. But I just think that they're better with it.

Yeah, I gotta say, they're. They're pretty good with the vibrator. Like, I don't think that there's a problem. I think it's really common. But I think that. Do you guys do anything else? Like, is there ever any, like oral sex or foreplay or. Have you guys experimented and played around with different kinds of touch and sex?

Oh, yeah. And he's. And I Mean, that's the.

Really.

The only other thing I think he knows I like as much as is oral sex. And he's fantastic at it. So that's.

That's great. And you don't need a vibrator there, right?

I don't want. No, not at all. And that's. I think that. I think that it's just. I don't want. I don't want to put him in a position where eventually he feels like he's not adequate enough.

Right.

Yeah. No, I totally understand that. So.

He is making you orgasm with your. With his mouth. So here's the thing. Most women do not orgasm during penetration. So I think that's kind of what you're talking about here, that during penetration you grab a vibrator and put it on your clitoris, Correct?

Yes.

Right. Okay. So 20% of women orgasm through intercourse. Maybe 80% do not. They're just, like, in it for the guy or the partner. Like, I don't get penetrated, but I'm not going to get off. I think it's great that you are using a vibrator and you're at least having an orgasm. Now here's the other thing. Yes. You might be able to learn to have one in other ways, because a lot of times it looks like it is through clitoral stimulation. If he's going down on you, you'd have to learn, you know, moving in certain ways. Like when you're on top, perhaps you could be grinding your clitoris on top of him, like, if you try those different positions. So it's a kind of thing of like, being present and breathing and not thinking, is it gonna happen? Is it not gonna happen? You could still probably, you know, learn to have one without the vibrator. But I just. I just think if, you know, that's, like, normal. It's like. It's just. It's more common than not that women need something else. And most have been like, yeah, they need fingers or they need a vibrator.

It's good to hear that, because I feel like it's that you don't hear that. You. You just hear about, you know.

Yeah, that's what I'm all about. There's no problem here. You've just found a way to hack it so you get pleasure, too. And I think that your husband just has to understand that this is a scientific fact here. It's just. And you're right, people don't talk about it because in society, all we ever see is, you know, penis go in vagina and Then the explosive orgasms together as they fall on the bed after five minutes. And, like, that's just not how sex works for most women. You know, I look at porn and I'm just like, he is penetrating her right now, so doing the jackhammer. And there's no way she's having an orgasm. Like, this is fake. This. So we don't get good information. So, yeah, let your husband know that and feel good about your body and all that. You're fine. Okay. Kendra.

All right.

Thank you. Doing it right. You're so welcome. Thanks for calling.

All right, let's talk to Noelle, 49, in Montana. Her boyfriend has a tennis shoe fetish. I think she has some questions about it.

Hey, Noelle.

Hi.

Hi. Or Noel.

Hi, Noel.

Noel. Hi. Tell me everything.

How are you?

Good. How are you? Sweet. Tell me. Yeah, I need to know about this tennis shoe fetish. Okay.

Yes. This is. I'm 49, but I'm fit and, you know, I look good for my age for sure. And I'm still sexual.

And my boyfriend, who I adore for almost three years now, has a tennis shoe fetish, which I've accepted.

Tell me there's more. More to it.

Okay, tell me.

When I first met him, he was having an ongoing online relationship with a man who had the same fetish. And this went on for 10 months during the relationship. And then I discovered it, unfortunately, by snooping on his computer. So of course I have trust issues because now every time I go out of town or we have to be apart, I wonder what he's doing.

Right?

It's just so easy.

So easy.

He's so easy.

Yeah. Like, that's the thing. It used to be harder to cheat in order to do anything. That's, you know, I guess if it's cheating some people, it's not. But for you, right, to get your. Your needs met sexually, you don't have to leave the house. Okay, so when he lied to you. Okay, so. Yeah.

And I. He realizes that he needs to also have intercourse, so we do, but not very often. And I truly feel, you know, how women, they know, it's more perfunctory, and it's just to even the ratio of what we do a little bit more. And it makes me feel a little sad. I feel maybe like I'm not desirable when, in fact, that might not be the case.

Oh, it's not the case. Well, first of all, no, this is nothing. If it's a truly a fetish. No, there has. I mean, and the sex feels perfunctory. And you haven't been. How long have you been together?

Three. Almost three years.

Three years, you said? Okay, so what is it about the. So I'm trying to. So the tennis shoe fetish he has is online. He's. It's with a man. Wait, so there's a lot going on here. It's been three years. You found out early on that he was with a man online. Was he with the man to get. Or was it just online? Not just online, but it was like a man. He was doing, like, a cam experience. Like a cam guy with. Who's wearing tennis shoes. So he likes. He. He gets off on seeing tenant wearing tennis shoes. So when looking at tennis shoes, him looking. How about your 10? What if you wear tennis shoes? Like, have you played this out in your relationship?

Oh, yeah. No, all the time. Yeah, I'm pretty much. I wear them all the time.

Oh, truly a fetish. Yes. Since a very young age.

Okay.

And the guy thing was just. He found somebody else that also has the fetish. So obviously they had a common thread of interest and they were able to share it secretly.

Okay, but how is it when you guys are together, like, are you enjoying the sex right now? Are you getting your needs met, like your fantasy? Because I understand that when someone cheats on you in a way that you, you know, I guess it is cheating. And then you leave town, and then you're always gonna worry that. Or they just run to the store. You're like, are they gonna be cheating on. You know, I. I've gone through that heartbreak. A lot of us have are cheating, and you gotta rebuild the trust. And if you don't rebuild the trust, it doesn't, unfortunately, doesn't magically just come back together. Like couples have to work on it. So it sounds like you haven't rebuilt that trust yet. But also, there's a lot of confusion going on to, like. Yeah. How is the sex for you right now?

It's. He's. He's very. He's very good. When we do it, I just feel like.

It'S most. It's oral sex mostly, and there's not always penetration. And so it makes me feel a little bit like, just lacking.

That's what you would like. You want. You want penetration, you want pain, you want his penis inside of you. That's completely normal. Have you talked about your needs with him?

Yes, and we go through a spell of him being really attentive for a while, but we always default back to the heavy. Heavy fetish.

Well, that's what you can't allow. So you have to keep. So here's the thing. We all get like this is what we all say. We go, yeah, I talked to my partner and she did it once or he did it twice and then it goes away. But that's your job then together to keep it like keep it about both of you and both of your needs. So you're 50 of it, 50% of it. So if it's going back to the old way, you're allowing that to happen. So I feel like, I feel like you need to fast track. I want you to find out this information sooner than later and you have to have the conversation with him be like to make this go the distance. I love you, I love our relationship wherever you're at. But this is what I'm going to require. I need this from you. I want penetration. I want like I crave sex in so many different ways and in a loving way. Noel, you can say to him, is that something that you think you can be on board with? You know, how do you feel about that? Is that something? Because we've tried it and I know it's hard to change habits, you know that Noel? Every time I change a habit, it's really friggin hard to adopt new skills and habits. So he gave him an opportunity to think about it really like maybe he just. If it's a fetish, like for those of you listening, a fetish means it's required for arousal. Like whatever the fetish is, a breast fetish, a latex fetish, you know, foot fetish. You require that object to be there to be aroused. It's not just like it'd be nice, you know, wish that could have a shoe here. But like he needs it. So there's a lot, you know. And so you guys, three year mark, you should. 49 years old, you should find out like is this something? And they go in hard with this. Like it's your job, like it's your job to figure this out. Now the kind of talks you need to have to figure out, you can't, you don't have time and your life is too short for bad sex. I truly. You can't let this lax again three months go by, it's great for one. No, like this is what you got to figure this out with him because I can't tell you. But there's more than two more to be revealed.

Right? Yeah, no, I agree. I could do a better job of playing.

Yeah, that's what I'm telling you. We all freaking can it's so easy because it's. This has been the theme of the show. Like, so freaking hard to talk about that. Once we do, we're like, phew, I don't have to do that again for a while. You know, had the talk. Thank God it's good. And then we like, oh, my God, I have to talk about it again. So, no, you're like, most of us on the planet. It's really hard to talk about. So, yeah, you got to be a little. You got to be on this because it's your love life, it's your life, it's your partner. Figure out if this can go the distance or not and be real and be authentic and ask for what you want and your needs and listen and then see where it goes. But.

And then, last question. What happens when, like, okay, so we are having real intercourse, and in the back of my head, I'm thinking.

Well, he's probably really not loving this because it doesn't involve a tennis shoe. And so it's hard for me to get into it.

That's true. You gotta ask him. You have to say, I can't help it. I get it, babe. I've learned more about fetishes. I've been reading about it. I want to please you. And I happen to know that, you know, what happens at those times. Are you. You know, are you. I often feel disconnected. And this is how. What would make me feel more connected to you? If you looked into my eyes or if you tied me up or. I don't know. So ask him those questions in a way that he knows he can be honest. Because you want to know the truth, and you deserve to know the truth. And it might be confusing for him, too. He might not really even maybe goes back and forth. But again, that's something on you. Now, assuming that he's probably just thinking about the shoe. Maybe he's not. Like, I don't know. We got to find out more. So I get why you think that it is. Yeah.

So, again, that's probably my problem, is I can't. I'm not easily convinced that he's enjoying it, even though he says yes. I love this.

Okay, so that's the other thing then. See, this is, you guys. We're always 50% of the thing because there's two of you. So that's just. I'm gonna say, you gotta find out. How would you know. What would it look like to you to know that he's really engaged and then, you know, explain that to him? So just keep Talking. And it's not gonna be one more time. It's gonna be a lot. But figure it out. Ask them the hard questions. That's how you're gonna get there. Thank you. Thanks, Noelle, for calling. Keep me posted. You know, I'm here, you guys. That's the thing. Like, I could talk to all of you for an hour each. I would. I probably could, right, Jayme? I could sit for 12 hours.

Oh, yeah.

As long as we just get you to the next step. The next thing you can figure out, I'll be here five nights a week for you. 889-478-2777.

Let's talk to Madison, 24 in California, who's been having a lot of dreams about having sex with her ex.

The ex dreams. Hey, Madison.

Hi.

Hey. How you doing? Those pesky exes.

How are you?

Oh, I'm good.

Thanks.

Yeah, so I. Little bit of backstory. I. My ex, I dated, like, all through college. We were together for, like, three and a half years. At that time, I was like, oh, love of my life. You know, all this stuff, whatever. Had a bad breakup. He, like, broke up with me on the day I graduated from college. And, like, you know, after you graduate, you go through that phase of, like, what is my life? What am I doing? Yeah, all this other stuff. So definitely went through, that healed, like, took a long time time off for myself, and, like, felt like I was ready to get back out there. Fast forward to now. I've been dating this guy, my current boyfriend, for about a year, and I'm very happy. Everything's great. Our sex life is great, except for the fact that, like, I still have, like, really vivid sex dreams about my ex. And I wake up feeling guilty about it and, like, not super guilty, but in a way it kind of, like, worries me that, like, am I really over my ex? Like, is this something that is normal?

Yeah, it's completely. Yeah, Madison, I think it's completely normal that we all, like, it was your first love. You're with them for your young. You know, that's very impressionable. Your brain is still developing. You're in college. You're together for how many years? Four years?

Like, three and a half?

Yeah.

Three and a half years. That's a long time to be with someone. And you're 24. So it was three years ago. Absolutely. I'm telling you, the exes, unfortunately or fortunately, they don't go away. You keep having sex dreams. You think about them, you fantasize them. I have some friends who are married now for 20 years. They love their husbands dearly and they'll still call me. They're like, I had a dream about Joe. I'm like, who? They're like, joe. Remember Joe, freshman year, the guy I dated? I'm like, no. So there's something about the exes that I think it's like, you loved him. It was formative years. You learned a lot sexually, a lot of firsts, a lot of things. But no, I don't think it means you need to be with the exact. I think that the less you can judge yourself around it and try to assign meaning to it other than it was someone that was a big part of your life and you had some early sexual experiences, just kind of enjoy those dreams and wake up and, you know, have sex with your partner, your new boyfriend. It's not related. It's our brains and, you know, like. Yeah, it's part of being healthy. I'm glad you're having dreams about sex. That's what I gotta say. A lot of people don't even ever think about sex, so there's nothing wrong here. We tend to attend. It'll go away and it'll be replaced by something else. And you don't need to tell your boyfriend either. Please, this is not something that's helpful. He doesn't need to know. You're not cheating on him. You're not doing anything wrong. You don't need to talk to your boyfriend about it. He's. I'm sorry, but he's probably dreaming about his exes as well sometimes. So don't worry. It's normal. Okay. Thanks, Madison. You're all good here. Thanks for calling. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this show. Let me know what you think of it. I love hearing from you. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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