Hookups and Breakups

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithmily.com and have a good time there. Subscribe to the podcast, check out our blogs. Check me out on social media. I'll check you out. We'll chat. It's all sexwithemily on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat. I do it all come say hi. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for checking us out. And also check out our newsletter. Subscribe to that and go shopping on the site because it's a good time. I'm excited. I'm taking your calls today, but first, I wanted to do a little sex in the news with you. I want to know how you really feel about casual sex. I feel like casual sex now is like a precursor to everything else. In fact, there's a lot of people who say, you know what? There's no other way. You just have to have casual sex. So you know, if you actually want to get into a relationship with someone, or people just want to sleep around and never want to commit. Or maybe casual sex is just a temporary stop on the way to a relationship until you fall back into a casual sex pattern. But no matter how you look at casual sex, it pretty much is everywhere now. And I feel like we get to make up our own rules about casual sex. People are coming to me and they're saying, hey, so do I wait three dates before I sleep with them or is it okay to sleep around? You know, is it normal just to be on, you know, trying to get the high score on Tinder but not really wanting a relationship? I mean, and. And again, you get to decide. And I want to kind of reframe the way that you think about casual sex. So I want you guys to make your own rules. I swear to God, there's no sex police. I'm not going to come knocking at your door. So you might have been taught to feel guilty about casual sex. You know, you might be like, God, I'm having so much fun matching with everybody on Bumble. But now I feel bad about it and I feel shame. Um, you know, a lot of women tell me, you know, I had a one night stand and. And in the morning, you just feel, like, really bad about yourself. And I think that, first of all, casual sex is not for everybody. And if you find yourself having casual sex and you repeatedly feel bad about it and you wake up, you're like, ugh, I want to keep doing it, but it's not getting better. Guess what? You don't have to. You're allowed to get to know someone a little better, Go out on a few dates, hang out with them, and you're even allowed to change your mind and decide, you know what, I don't want to have sex right now. But all this, like, you know, you should feel guilty or bad, like there's something wrong. There's nobody else who is looking at you and casting judgment. Just rock your casual sex with confidence, you guys, because I feel like if you're going to do it, so maybe you're like, no, I can handle it. I like it. I enjoy it. Just sometimes I feel guilty. Well, guess what? You get to choose. You can decide that. You know what? I'm actually going to have casual sex. I'm going to take what I want. I'm going to be a good lover. I'm going to ask for the things that I need in bed. I'm going to be respectful. I'm going. I'm not going to ghost. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to communicate. I'm going to let them know where I'm at. I'm going to treat this as a healthy sexual exploration. And that's a choice, you guys. You're the ones who's making it right or making it wrong. So go into casual sex with a more positive attitude and stop beating yourselves up. To talk more about casual sex, I have a special guest who's not been on air. We're gonna pop her on air. Cherry, this is Lark, my new producer. Hi, Lark.

Hello, Sex with Emily World. It is so fantastic to meet all the listeners through this podcast today. If that's a term I can use.

You've been knee deep in them. You're reading the email, getting into the shows.

Yeah. So very much as a producer does a little behind the scenes. One of the reasons I wanted to join Emily today to talk about this topic is so many of you write us and you share your questions and your stories and different things that you're thinking about as it pertains to casual sex. And I just wanted to be able to share some of these with. With Emily and kind of get her thoughts and maybe represent some of the.

Larger themes that I've been reading about. Yeah.

Well, one of the things that you touched on, which is so important and critical, is that there should never be a stigma behind casual sex. It's a choice. Now, obviously, if you're in a situation that doesn't feel like you're in control, that's a different conversation. But if you are making that choice, never feel guilty or bad about it. Don't let stigmas, don't let society, don't let your best friend who's maybe giving you a hard time, own it, because it's.

It's okay. It's a choice. You're allowed to do that thing right. Exactly. Like safe, casual sex can be super empowering. You can Say, you know what? Right now I'm just gonna. I don't want to be in a relationship. I'm not doing it just to get revenge. I'm not doing it just to get over an ex. But I actually want to go out and experience people and practice having great sex and being honest about it. Like, it can be a really empowering experience. I think that we flip it on its side because we're so worried about our own judgments and what people are gonna think of us. It doesn't serve us.

Absolutely. A lot of the listeners that write in kind of talk about the fact that they're caught up in the moment. They're on a date. There's great chemistry. They're not asking themselves a thousand questions, is this right? Is this wrong? They're kind of going with the flow. It feels good. They're making out with the person. But then for whatever reason, there's sort of that next day guilt. And we're here to tell you that you don't have to feel that way.

Right? Exactly. I mean, I think that's exactly. You don't have to feel that way. And if. If it is something, though, like I said, that plagues you, and you're like, oh, it's just not working for you. You don't have to do it. But if you're going to do it, enjoy the experiences. It's casual, so that means that it's impermanent, it's temporary. That's like the definition of it. And you're having an experience. And so if someone ghosts or you ghost. Although I don't. Please be, you know, try to be the best person you can be and, you know, call people and let them know where you're at or text them. People call sometimes now, but really, if you're a good person and you enjoyed yourself and you had good sex and you spoke up for yourself, I really think that. And you got what you wanted, got what you came for. Just learn to enjoy sex.

Now, here's some other interesting things I really liked about our listeners. Our audience people wrote in, and I feel like they're definitely dedicated listeners to the podcast, that it's an opportunity for them to explore different parts of themselves.

Absolutely.

Like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking on a new Persona, going out that night, maybe wearing something that you wouldn't normally wear. An outfit that you've had in the back of your closet.

Exactly.

That you haven't really had the confidence to put on. Now, I'm not saying transition and be a completely different person. Own your personality, own the things you love about yourself. But it is a really unique opportunity and we get a lot of emails that people love that. And there's an even heightened sense of turn on when they're doing things like that.

Exactly. Because you really don't, you don't know the person. There is chemistry, which is great. I hope there's always chemistry and you feel safe. But casual situations can be great for learning about yourself sexually, mentally and even emotionally. You know, you might not want to have this, this person isn't your long term partner. But if you're in a healthy mindset and you want to get as much pleasure as possible, I think that we can also be less inhibited when we're having casual sex. Take advantage of that, you know, use it as an opportunity to try out things in the bedroom that you've been learning throughout this masturbation I've been talking about. It's also explain what you want. It's a practice.

And a lot of, a lot of people have written in to talk about casual sex while traveling. A lot of women and men who take solo trips have shared with us that there's an adventuresome side to doing that, to kind of letting it go with the flow. And it's not about waking up that morning and deciding that that's the activity that you're going to do that night. But if you're exploring a city or if you're taking a tour or maybe you're trying a restaurant or bar by yourself and the chemistry is right. There's something.

I love it.

Exotic.

Exotic, exactly. I mean I used to travel and it feels like as long, you know, as long as you're having safe sex, in a way it's a built in place where you know you're not going to see this person again. Perhaps you're living in different cities and you can really just be practice like just being the authentic person that you are being yourself, asking for what you want and without the repercussions maybe of thinking like, you know, knowing that it's going to end and knowing you won't see this person. But really it's like you get to learn more about yourself and then you'll take that back to wherever you live and be like, you know what? I was okay with that. I was able to climb on top and show them how what I needed to have an orgasm. You know, I mean, I think we can learn a lot from these experiences. And they're like amazing memories too that you don't have to get all caught up and invite them to your wedding and stuff, or make them your next future partner.

Well, that's the perfect point to sort of close out and wrap up our discussion, because the last key theme that I've really sort of clued in on, again from our listener audience, is that there's something kind of like it's motivating and empowering about it afterwards. You do have this slightly heightened sense of euphoria. So as long as you know that you might not ever hear from this person ever again, you wake up the next day, you feel great, you had amazing sex, you took a smart risk, meaning you were safe. But, yes, this is something that you don't do every day. You feel great about yourself, and you're gonna have a. You're gonna have a great day exploring that new city. If you're traveling by yourself, kicking butt at the office, if you have a big presentation because you just went out there and you owned it. So I love all the audience emails about kind of feeling confident afterwards.

Right. Because this exists. It does. So I want you guys to hear these examples of people who can actually go out and have amazing sex and not feel bad about it, because you shouldn't feel bad about it. You made a decision. Experience it, enjoy casual sex. I love you all. Thank you, Lark.

Thank you. And it's so great to be a part of the show. And most importantly, we love hearing from you. I'm learning so much from our listeners, our Sex with Emily family. So thank you, everyone, for sharing your stories.

Great. Okay. Thanks, Lark. And thanks, everyone, for listening. Shout out to our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them and helping keep the show free. We'll be right back.

We've got Mary, she's 27, from New Jersey on the line, and she's trying to get her groove back. Hi, Mary.

Hi, Emily.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you? Thanks for calling in.

I'm doing well. Thank you so much for taking my call. I love the show. I'm so excited.

I'm so glad. I love talking to listeners. It's really great. Tell me how I can help you. What is going on? Tell us everything.

So a little bit of background. I have been in a relationship for about three years, and everything has been going great. Up until about last year, I was diagnosed with an std. And unfortunately, ever since then, my boyfriend has been as supportive as possible, but I have not felt like myself. I feel like I've lost everything that I spent two years building, and I'm trying to get back, and I Feel like I've totally lost my grief. We have not had sex in probably about three months.

Okay.

So I don't know how to get back.

Oh, I get it. I get it. Sweet. It's scary. Like, you know, they don't really tell you a lot, and it can. It can feel like a death sentence. You're like, oh, my God, how am I ever going to feel sexy again? And how am I going to have sex? But the good news is that it's not Mary. It's not a death sentence. And a lot of people have, you know, STDs, STIs, and they have healthy sex lives. And so it's just a matter of really making peace with it and educating your partner so he understands what's going on. So are you taking anything for it?

I am.

Okay.

It's not something that I have to take all of the time, but I absolutely am.

Okay. It's like a daily suppress. Is it. Are we talking about. Can we talk about your sti? Do you want to share with us what it is?

Yeah, I have herpes.

Okay. That's what I thought. Okay. So you could take a daily suppressant or. When it flares. Right. When you have a flare, it flares off.

Correct.

Okay, got it. And how is your partner? How has he reacted to it? When you told him what was going on? He.

I've been open and honest with him from day one. When something happened, he was the first person that I showed, and I said.

Oh, my God, what is this?

So he has been super helpful and really open. He has. Has done his own research, which is fantastic. Probably more research than I have.

Okay, so that's great. So he's feeling better about it and you're still. Yeah. How do you know that he didn't have it? How come he. If you guys have been together three years and you were diagnosed a year ago, have you been with other partners?

No.

I mean, it is true sometimes that, you know, it just, you know, you're just a carrier. And then, you know, you could have symptoms. But it's interesting that you've been. If you haven't been with anyone else, that he might have been a carrier, but we'll never know.

Exactly.

He might not have symptoms.

That's where we've gone. We chalked it up to great, but, you know, that was on us. We did have unprotected sex, and now we do not. Absolutely.

Right.

But it's. It's. It's been different.

Okay, so tell me what you're feeling. So what happens is that you don't really have desire right now.

Exactly.

Okay.

I just don't with taking that, I feel like I fell into a little bit of a depression. I gained some weight, and I feel like everything kind of spiraled. You know, he still initiates and I politely decline.

Right, right. Have you doing anything to be, you know, because you really have to. It sounds like you're hating on yourself and you've got shame and you're not loving yourself or your body right now and blaming yourself for, I don't know what. Because you're having sex. I mean, so many people have. I mean, it's more so common. I mean, I would say like three out of five people have, you know, an STI or an std. It's very, very common. And so I feel like for you, it's. It's getting over these, you know, these negative things that you're telling yourself, like you did something wrong, which you didn't, and your partner's being supportive. So I need you to, like, do some exercises where you are reconnecting to your body. Mary. The one thing is, when he makes these advances, if you start having sex with him again, your arousal will increase and you're gonna be happy you had sex with him. It's like going to the gym. I always say you're never gonna regret going to the gym. Sometimes it's so hard to get out the door, but once you get there and you work out, you never regret it. And sex is the same way. So if he's reaching out to connect, to have sex, it's been three months. It's really important. You know, you love him, he's your boyfriend. So I'd say that's one thing. Like, even you, once you start having sex, you will be happy that you did. But also, I feel like there has to be some self love for Mary and you really making peace with the fact that, you know, you have this std, you're taking care of it, you are in a loving relationship and your body has not failed you. Your body is beautiful. Connect with it. Masturbate, take that time to reconnect, have orgasms. But if you truly feel like you're in a depression, I can't tell if there's other things going in your life that have kind of set you in the spiral, or is it really just about this? Because typically it's not just one thing.

I think it's been a multitude of things, but this is kind of the icing on the cake.

Okay. Right. Are you on Birth control?

I am, yes, I have the iud.

Okay. And have you had any. I'm just wondering if you've gotten checked by your doctor as well. Have you seen, like a therapist or even gotten checked by your gynecologist to see if this could be having impact on your libido?

Yes, but it's still very new.

Right.

So I've had it for probably four months now. Okay, so it's still new.

Okay.

Everything that I'm experiencing with that is kind of what they say is that okay.

But it still can for some women, like. Yeah. I mean, it can have side effects for sure. So I think that this is really. I mean, there's not going to be some magic bullet for you right now. There's not going to be like, you know, rather than masturbating, talking to your partner and just saying, like, what can we do to make it is, you know, interesting together? How can you guys maybe get out of the house, take a few days away together, have like vacation sex, kind of maybe. Maybe leave this environment that you've been in that's making you depressed and having sex in the bedroom and kind of just say, you know what? I'm going to turn over a new leaf. I love him, he's supporting me, and we're going to communicate about how to take our sex life to the next level and to really, like, kind of like shed this part of you that's beating yourself up. And really, it just goes by. It starts by doing. It starts by reconnecting to your body and reconnecting to your partner because. And stopping these negative. That's what I'm thinking. If you're really depressed, you do need to talk to someone because if you have this negative tape in your head that something is wrong and that you've messed up and you have a lot of shame, it's gonna be hard to get past it on your own. But if you think that you can start to make baby steps, one positive move a day that kind of moves you towards connecting with yourself sexually and your partner, then I think you can do it. But if you feel like you just can't get out of the mind trap, then you might need to get some help, which we all need at different points in our life. Yeah.

And you have been so helpful. I feel like the past couple months I've just been listening to your podcast non stop and taking everything in. And this was kind of the first step because I know that there's. There's other people who are like me. And I was Fighting even, you know, I was fighting with myself. Should I. Should I do this? Should I reach out? And I'm sure that there are a ton of other people.

Oh, my God. So many advice, Mary. I'm so glad. No, this is so helpful. That's what I love about the show. And thank you so much for putting yourself out there and saying, yes, I'll call into the show because I feel like we really got to connect. Like, I feel you right now and I feel like so many other listeners can relate to this and they're going through the same thing. So thank you. You're amazing.

Absolutely. Thank you so much.

So glad to talk to you and keep me posted. Mary, you got this back. You got your groove back already. This is the first step. It's getting there. Bye, Mary. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks for supporting the show. Bye, Mary. God, I love the calls you guys call. I mean, I will read your email still. We'll do email shows. But these calls, I just feel like we get somewhere, right? And you guys, Mary, I mean, how many people do you know like, Mary, maybe you're like, Mary, and you're nervous about sex. You're nervous about STDs. Maybe you have one. And I'm telling you, it's not a death sentence. You can take a daily suppressant and you just have to, you know, talk to your partner or talk to your new sex partners and say, yeah, I've got this std. Sti. I'm taking something for it. Just remember, it's way more common than you think. And it's really about arming yourself with education and your partner and just explaining to them that you know what they can do about it, what the risk factors are, which are not very high. You guys really, if you take the precautions. So you're all going to be fine. Everyone take a deep sigh, relax, go have some sex. Okay, My next call is Sam. She's 23 from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and she wants to know about initiating casual sex. Hi, Sam.

Hello.

Hello. Thank you for calling in. How can I help you today? What's going on?

So let's see. Yeah, basically wanting to know how to initiate casual sex because I've been out of the game for a long time. I started having sex when I was probably like 15 and was pretty sexually active for a couple years after that. But now I'm 23 and I've only had sex with one person in the last four years and only one time.

Okay.

So, yeah, I'm just wondering how to get back into it. But I guess in my mind, like, I've just kind of been waiting until I'm in a monogamous relationship with someone and just don't really have any prospects right now and feel like it could be a while before that happened.

Okay, so why do you think you have.

The other thing is, I feel like people my age mostly initiate casual sex by, like, going out partying. You know, maybe it's a one night stand or something. And I'm not a big drinker either, so those are kind of my issues. And I'm. I've been on and off of, like, dating apps. Not really into that too much, but.

So, Sam, how come. Why do you think you haven't had sex for the last four years? Just once? I don't know.

I mean, I'm like, I want to and I feel the urge to do it, but I don't know. And I'm a confident person too, so I don't know. It's like a timing thing, like being in the right place or like I said, just knowing how to initiate it.

Well, do you have. What kind of work environment are you in in school? I work in.

I'm in advertising. I work in advertising.

Okay, so there are people from work that you hang out with or that you go, you know, after work, go out for drinks. Is there anyone in the office or like, friends of friends in the office? Like, are you a social person? Even if you're not a party girl, you can still have a lot of. You can still have friends and make connections at work, you know? Okay, so I feel like. So do you go to parties? Do you go out? Or would you rather just stay home and watch Netflix? Which is totally fine. I think everybody wants to just really be sitting on their couch, like, let's be honest.

But I mean, I try and get out. Like, I'll definitely go out for like a drink or two, but it's not like I'm staying out all night. I'm pretty, like into working out and that sort of thing. So.

How about at the gym? Pretty often do you meet people at the gym? Do you smile? Are you open? Do you talk to people?

Yes. Yeah, I do. And I actually coach at our gym, so it's kind of my job to talk to everyone that comes through. And I do. I mean, I. Any new guy that anyone. Not just guys, but.

Right.

Any guy that comes through, I'm talking to and. Yeah, but I haven't. And that's the other part of it too, is like, I'm not. I haven't found someone that I'm even.

Like sexually attracted to really.

I mean, I'm sure I've come across.

People in the last four years or whatever.

But sometimes that builds. Like, sometimes you gotta like, oh, that person seems interesting. And you might not know right away, like, men are different guys. I mean, many men are different. I don't want to draw stereotypes here, but like I know within 30 seconds if I want to, you know, have sex with her. I think for some women it might be, you know, you might want to get to know them a little bit or get to be friends with them or ask them out for a drink and then see if it kind of builds. But I'm wondering if you're just casting people off because you're like, I don't feel it, I don't feel it. And you're not really opening yourself up to the experience of getting to know somebody, right? Because you seem really nice, personable, you've got friends, you've got to, you know, you've got a good job. And so unless there's something else you're not telling me, I feel like it just has to do with confidence. And you, you in your mind, you've already pathologized yourself by saying, oh, it's been four years and I took you eight years to have sex. You know, so what have you and one partner, I mean no one, no one's, there's no like sex police. Like, no one's monitoring what's right, what's wrong, you're totally normal, it's fine. People. Wait. So there's nothing wrong with you right now? So I feel like you're putting undue pressure on yourself because unless I'm missing something, I think you just keep going about your life. I know a lot of friends who aren't party girls. I was never a party girl. I always met people through work or through, you know, doing, going to movies, filmmaker. I used to do a bunch of different things like that, like make films and go to like art classes. And I would meet people that way, doing the things that I love. And so if you've got things that you love in your life that you like doing, I think that that's where you naturally going to find people who are like minded, on the same wavelength and don't put pressure on yourself. Maybe they're friends, you know what I'm saying? Like, you don't have to think like, is this the one? But really kind of making an effort to just forge some friendships and community. And that's where a lot of times Love kind of falls out of that.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I guess my thing, too, is just getting over the. Like, having to be in a serious relationship with someone before it happens.

Yeah. I don't think you have any friends.

That aren't necessarily doing that and they're having sex.

Absolutely. So casual sex is tricky. Right. Because we're saying, okay, I'm gonna have sex without the emotions. That's typical. That's hard, because sex is usually a lot of emotions, so it can be difficult for people to separate those two things, too. So you haven't done it before. So go easy on yourself. And how you find it is really the same way you'd find any relationship. It's not any different. You just meet someone and there's an interest enough to get. To get a drink or to get lunch, and then you see where it goes. And it might be turned into a casual thing or a relationship, but there's really no way to know. It's kind of the same thing, to be honest. Yeah. So just be honest and open about what you want. Take some risks. Put yourself out there. Say yes to everything you get invited to for the next two weeks. You'll meet someone new. Okay. Keep me posted. Okay, Sam?

Okay.

Okay. Don't be on yourself. Bye, Sam. You're welcome. Have a good night.

All right.

Bye, you guys.

Here's the thing about dating. You get to make your own rules. There's nobody saying that you have to have slept with five partners by the time you're a certain age, or you have to have casual sex, or you should be having sex once a month for. No, none of that exists except for in your own head. And what you guys do is you're torturing yourself because you think you're not normal and you're not matching up to what your friends are doing. But all that matters is that you really listen to yourself and your body and what you want right now. Okay? What kind of relationship you want, what kind of people you know you're attracted to. And so I feel like you guys just. Just where you're at in your life now is where you're at in the dating cycle. There are no shoulds. Just move forward. And, you know, every day is a new day to kind of get out there, meet someone you like or not. And there is no pressure. It's just a deadline you're putting on yourself. So don't torture yourself. Have fun with dating, you guys. Have fun meeting someone. Like, make this process enjoyable. And don't make a headache. You have a choice. We've got Alyssa. She's 27, from Chicago, and she's having a hard time with her boyfriend's sexual fluidity. Hi, Alyssa. Tell me everything. How can I help you? Hi. So good to talk to you.

Yeah, yeah, it's so nice.

Thanks so much for picking me up.

This is really exciting.

I'm a little nervous.

Oh, my God. Don't worry. Let's just chill. Deep breaths. I'm here for you.

All right, cool.

I do it, too.

I appreciate it.

You're welcome. You're welcome. Hi.

Tell me what's going on.

Oh, okay.

So this happened probably about a month ago. I had met my boyfriend out. We've been together, like, two years.

Super pretty good.

You know, everyone has their ups and downs, and he was always very open to me about his bisexuality. It really seemed like it was more a thing in the past, more experimental when he was doing it, when he was, like, experimenting with his sexuality. So I was, you know, I'm like, I kind of live in a gray area. There's no black and white in my head.

So fast forward.

We have been on again, off again for two years. And I met him out, and he was arguing with a co worker, and the co worker was this, you know, like, sassy gay man.

He's cool.

Like, I've met him before, and it was just a very tense situation. And so, you know, we're in an Uber on the way home, and let's call him Jerry. Jerry says to me, you know, well, you know, when we were on a break, we actually had kind of a thing. And sometimes when we drink, it gets a little tense. So that was very.

Okay.

And so then I, you know, went in to clearly, like, grill him. Like, what does this mean? And they basically hooked up twice where, like, they blew each other.

Okay.

Which was like, I think.

I don't mind that. I think that it was more like the tax in which it was done. And then I kind of started thinking about it, and then it just kind of was, like, eating at me more and more, like. Yeah.

So that just happened, and I was.

Just kind of like, I don't know how to place my.

How do I compute? Right. I understand. Okay. So had he told you. So you guys were on and off for two years. So you're in the two year. Are you on now or you're off?

We are on.

You're on. Okay. And before the breakup or one of the breakups, you have you known since the beginning, actually, that he was bisexual?

Yes.

And it's. We've worked together and he's, like, been. He's just been, like, open, especially whenever he drinks, because it's all, like. It all becomes loose when you drink.

So, like.

Yeah. So I guess it didn't really set into me just how bisexual I guess he was.

And then I was like, oh, okay. Okay.

This is.

This is.

Okay.

All right, cool.

Okay. So you're trying to figure out how to, like. I mean, can you. If you can be with him, he's. But if he's bisexual or.

No, I don't think it's that. I think it's more of, like, I've never been with someone bisexual.

Right.

And.

And it's. It's also weird.

Like, he doesn't identify as bisexual because.

He has no romantic interest in men, but sexually, he. He's just kind of like any.

Well, that's kind of the definition is just having sexual interactions, if you want to define it, because really everything is sort of sexually fluid now. People, you know, people aren't loving labels, which I totally understand. But it's having sex with, you know, a member of the same sex. So it's not even about romantic feelings. So. Yeah, so that's what it is. So he's bisexual. You've known that. I'm just wondering, how's this. I want to know how your sex life is with him. How is it? Is he.

It's really great. I think that's what was one of the biggest struggles is like, I. There's this, like, lack of, like, am I going to be able to please someone who is so open sexually? Like, I'm very worried about that.

Right, okay, well, it sounds like. Well, you tell me. Are you guys in a committed relationship where bisexual affairs are not? Okay? Yeah, no, no.

Like, we are committed. I really appreciate that. He is really open sexually. I was just like, such a worry for me going forward and maybe not, you know.

Like.

Right. Okay. So you guys getting married? Like, is he the one. Do you want of children with him?

What do you think?

Okay.

No, we're not there yet, but we have a very good relationship currently.

Well, see, if he's experiment. How often does he drink?

Pretty often.

I say a hard, like four to five nights a week.

All right, hard. Okay. He's in the service industry. He's a bar. He's a bartender, a waiter. You said he's drinking. He's in that nightlife. You're in Chicago. You guys are young. You're in your 20s. Let me just be honest with you. Like, he's gonna get drunk and he might suck another guy's dick and come home late, and you're gonna worry about it, perhaps. Or you're gonna have to make peace with the fact that you please him so as much as you can, except for the fact that you don't have a penis. And that's what he wants sometimes. Every once in a while. And you already have that information right now. So if your concern is that you're worried that you're not enough for him, you just really, you know, it's not that you're doing anything wrong. It just sounds like he's experimenting right now, and he's doing his thing. And so you have all the information you need. You just need to make a decision if you can live with this or not. Because then, yeah, you're gonna question it. You're gonna question him. You're gonna be insecure if he doesn't call. You know what I mean? So that's what you have to deal with.

Okay?

Okay. Okay, Alyssa, you got this. Just pay attention, okay? To actions and words. And actions are bigger than words. Okay, thanks, Alyssa. Good to talk to you.

That was so great. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. Okay, Have a good night. Bye.

Bye, guys.

I think this is interesting because I think that sexual fluidity is definitely a topic now. That comes up a lot from a lot of men, you know, dating women who are bisexual and thinking, oh, that'd be great. We can have threesomes. Or, I think it's really hot. And then I've been hearing more so now from women who say, you know what? I'm dating someone who's bisexual, and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. And the truth is, there is no right or wrong way to feel about it. It's really about, are you still attracted to them? Do you guys have a commitment? Are you gonna see other people? Cause just like any other relationship, you decide if you're gonna be monogamous. You know, you decide if you're gonna see other people. And really, it's about, you know, talking about it with your partner and understanding how it feels to you. There is no right or wrong. Just checking in and, am I aroused? Am I turned on by this person? Are they, you know, a good partner? Do we want the same things? Just like we ask in every other relationship? Thanks, Alyssa, for that. Okay, we've got Ainsley. She's 21, from San Antonio, Texas, and she's having a hard time getting over a. Hi, Ainsley. How can I help you today, sweetie? Tell Me. What's going on?

Hi, Emily, thank you so much for your call. So basically, just brief. I recently ended my three year high school relationship, like early this spring, around March, since I was becoming aware that I was like, looking at other guys and capable of developing feelings for other guys. So it didn't feel right to stay in that relationship.

It felt disrespectful.

And I noticed that I was developing feelings for my best friend. And we had been best friends since freshman year of high school and or since freshman year of college. And I, you know, dismissed it as just an innocent crush. But then I started to notice that I was more excited to hang out with my best friend instead of my boyfriend. So long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend for this guy. And so we started dating for about two months and it was really fun. You know, we kept it pretty, I don't want to say casual because we were definitely exclusive, but we started saying that we loved each other since we'd known each other for so long. And we had the same group of friends since our freshman year of high school. So freshman year of college, I'm sorry, I keep making that mistake. And so we would like all go out with our friends and we would tell our friends that we were like seeing each other and we were like officially a couple. We were like acknowledging our feelings for one another. And just kind of out of the blue, he became really distant. It was really strange. So I decided to confront him about it, about not replying to my text and not accepting my invitations to hang out or to come over. And he told me that he was experiencing this bout of depression. And I, since I've experienced depression too, and we're both on medication for it, I could totally sympathize with him.

But it didn't.

Like, I still felt rejected, distant from him, and still painful. So we tried talking things out and I thought it went really well. We talked about it in person and he said that he. That this depression was just temporary and that he even said that he'd be willing to do like long distance after graduation and he's going to med school and I'm going to grad school. And that was obviously something I never wanted to bring up because it was just kind of uncharted territory, you know, something I didn't want to venture towards. And so the next day after we had that conversation, it was just a complete 180. He said that a serious relationship wasn't worth it and it his. This was too stressful of a time for him. And that he just was not able to continue our relationship.

Okay.

So basically, Emily, what I'm trying to ask is, like, how do I move forward and not take it personally? And how do I determine whether to stay friends with him?

Right. Okay. So how long were you guys together?

Only two and a half months.

Okay. But you've been friends for a long time, right? It's like a friend breakup. I got it. I got it. So, sweetie, getting over a breakup, it's really like a little mini death, right? So there is a process. And you gotta listen to me, though. Cause you're asking for advice. And so I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna tell you this unless you have to really. You have to do some of these things. Because the things about the breakup is. It's the hardest thing in the whole world. It's like. It's like you're, you know, quit. It's like an addiction. It's like telling you to stop, like, smoking cigarettes or drinking. It's like. It's hard. And I'm sorry that you're going through this, and it sounds like you've really been struggling. I mean, I read your email. I know you're going through a lot right now. And it's like, oh, my God, my best friend. And now he's gone. And I get it. And I do. Cause it's the freaking hardest thing in the whole world. But I promise, when you get on the other side of it, you're gonna have learned so much about this and you're even. You're gonna feel so much better about yourself. But the quicker that you, like, allow yourself to just feel, like, feel it, feel the sadness. I don't know what stage you're at. It's been a few months now. How long has it been since he left? Since you ended it?

He broke up with me a week ago.

Okay. So it's still really new. Okay. He's gone. I'm sorry.

Yes.

Okay, so this is the part where you're like, okay, so you're. Take as much time right now as you need to, like, be sad and to mourn the relationship and to surround yourself with your friends, your community. It's okay to stay home and eat Ben and Jerry's and watch Netflix for a week. Like, that is fine. But I know you're also prone to depression. And so, you know, just make sure that again, that you keep your community around you, your friends, your family. One day, you might be incredible friends. But right now, what I need you to do when we hang up Is you need to block him on Facebook, Instagram, all these places. And I would even say block his phone number, but I don't know if you're gonna do that, which is fine, but you have to do at least, like, social media, because you're gonna keep going back and wanting to check things, and you're gonna keep. You know. And every time we do that, it's like ripping the band aid off. Right? So you just. It's like six months. Six months from now, you can talk to him. But right now, for six months, it's like you can't. And. And you. You gotta take time to heal. So go through the sadness and the hurt and the anger, and you will get through it. And this is when we do some of our best work and our best growth is actually when we're going through a breakup. Because you can look at it and go, what? Because you've been in a relationship, too, for most your life, it sounds like you went from one guy in high school to college, and so you're 21 years old, and this is the time where you actually. It would serve you so well. Just be like, who's Ainsley? Without a guy in my life, I've had these great guys. He did not lead as many. Nothing to do with you. Like, he's figuring out his life, like you said, he's going to school or not, and trying to figure it out. It has nothing to do with you. So I know when we go through breakups, we're like, what could I have done better? Is it someone else? No, this has nothing to do with you. So the good news is, now that you know that you didn't do anything wrong, it's all about you going, okay, I've had two relationships. What did I like? What worked for me? What traits am I going to look for in the next partner? What won't I tolerate? And then, like, who am I? You know? So this is when you get in good shape or you start taking classes and you build your friendships. Right. And then you realize when you're a really good place again, which you will be, you'll start to attract the kind of people that are right for you. You'll put that energy out there because you're going to know more and more about what you want. And that's part of being in your 20s and figuring this out.

Yeah.

It's just so uncomfortable not having a boyfriend, which sounds so.

I know. I love that you said that. No, sweetie, I've been there. I get it. And the easiest thing to do is to get right back into another one. The hard thing to do is say, you know what? I'm not going to date for a few months. I'm just not. I'm going to go out with friends, I'm going to hang out. But it's so easy to, you know, jump right into another relationship so we don't have to kind of feel the pain and the suffering from the last one. But I want you to stick with this. I know. Can you distract yourself with your friends? Can you. You know, all those little projects that you want to do? I know. Easier said than done. Because you sound like a great girl. And I'm sure there's a lot of guys who do want to go out with you. But I just feel like this healing time is good for you. And it's okay to be sad. Just reach out to your friends and family and get a support group. I know it's weird without a guy. And just notice that. Go.

You know what?

This is weird. It's just like I've never not had a guy around me. Huh. What is that like? And get curious about that experience rather than getting bummed about it. That's interesting because I've always had a man by my side. But now what would I do without a guy? You know, I'm gonna travel by myself. I'm gonna go to this restaurant. I'm gonna invite my friends to do something that I couldn't have done before. Cause I was always with my boyfriend. You know what I mean?

I.

And then kind of flip this around and see, you know, figure out who you do. You. I think you'll be surprised. I know you'll be surprised. And you're gonna fall in love with this new Ainsley, who'll be well equipped to get into the next relationship once you take this time.

Yeah.

Well, thank you so much, Emily. Yeah.

So welcome. Ainsley.

Unknown for me to not have a guy and to not want to pursue a new relationship right away, like, either to prove that, like, oh, it wasn't like, it didn't mean that much to me or.

Right.

Healthy, self aware, easy to fall into that habit. Which is a habit I've noticed that I've had is like right away jumping into relationships to avoid mourning the previous one. So I really appreciate your advice.

Yeah, you've got it this time, Ainsley. That you're so self aware. You're so welcome. You've got this. Thank you, honey. Take care of yourself. All right. Thanks for calling in. Bye. Bye.

Goodbye.

Hey, you guys. Breakups are hard. We are not trained at all how to deal with breakups. It's like what? This is the hardest thing ever. And we, we will do anything we can to get over the pain. But really we wanna numb ourselves, we wanna drink, we wanna sleep around. But the best thing we can do and the hardest thing is to take that time to heal. So I love Ainsley that she has a self awareness to know that that's her pattern. You guys, we all have patterns, nothing wrong with them. But the earlier and the sooner we recognize our patterns and what worked for us, what didn't and what we want going forward, the healthier relationships that we will be in. I love talking to you guys. These calls are great. Please everyone remember to go to our website. Go to the Ask Emily page and then you can fill out the form. You can check if you want to be called. You can also text us 797-979-text Ask Emily one word. Can't wait to hear from you. And thanks everyone for following us on social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. I'm all up in that stuffemily. And thanks for shopping with us and hanging out. I love you all. Thank you for listening to the show. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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