Hotline Calls: Breakups, Oral & Honeymoon Sex

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I love this question because this is where the juice is. There are so many exciting things that you can that can either build arousal towards penetration, allow you to explore each other's bodies and figure out what feels good for both of you. If you have a sex life that's just focused on penetration, that's gonna get really old real fast.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, I'm answering all of your pressing calls from the sex family hotline. We get into so many topics like how to really start enjoying receiving oral sex. Ways to spice up your honeymoon and make it extra memorable, what to do if you aren't getting as wet as you're used to during sex, and how to explain that to a partner. Plus, new methods for giving oral sex to prevent discomfort. You know, a lot of times we get into positions during sex and we actually experience pain. Remember, you can call me anytime and leave a voicemail. 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. I love these hotline shows. It is my joy. It is what I love doing. And I hope you will all check out our hotline and set up a time so we can chat. All right, Intentions with Emily. Join me in setting an intention for this show. When you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? My intention is just to be there for you, my listeners, who have been supporting the show for almost 16 years. And thank you for being part of this community. Here's a suggestion for your intention that you're going to think of one challenge in your sex life right now that you're thinking you'd like to tackle. And then you're going to call her hotline and leave a message. And remember to rate the podcast review. I love when you do that. It helps keep the show free. It makes it easier to find for everybody. So if you just take a minute right now, wherever you're listening, whatever platform, and you rate it, you review it, you subscribe. I so appreciate you. Thank you. Also, our website, there's a new Ask Emily. What's the deal with foot fetishes? What is the deal? Check it out. We have so many great articles on our site. And remember, call my hotline with questions, but you can also message me sexwithemily.com askemily all right, everybody, enjoy this episode.

My first caller is Katie, 26, who wants to know how she can learn to enjoy receiving oral sex. Hi Katie.

I just got back into the dating world, going out, very confident having sex. But one thing I have never really enjoyed was receiving oral sex.

Okay.

I love to give it. I feel comfortable in my body, but again, I don't really enjoy it. But I want to. So I'm trying to figure out, like, what can I be doing maybe to find it more pleasurable.

Okay, so that's such a great question, Katie. Do you have pleasure in other ways? Do you have orgasms through.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I don't have any problems like receiving orgasms, which is great because I know a lot of people can struggle with that. Yeah, you know, I like foreplay and but I can say that when receiving oral sex, I don't have any orgasms. So I kind of feel like maybe it's just pointless in a sense.

Well, there's many women that I found in my career, they're able to orgasm through penetration and oral sex feels uncomfortable to them. And so maybe that's you. Okay, so that might be you, Katie. Maybe there's nothing you're doing wrong. I'm telling you. It's this weird. Like it has to do with our anatomy and the way we were, the way we're born. It's literally how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening. It's all legit science. So I think that could be it. So I'm not going to force you to do anything that you don't want to do. But maybe there's a way that your partner. Because some partners really enjoy performing oral. And that's so funny. It's like, oh, it's like. Because it's rare. I mean, I hear from women like.

You, absolutely super rare. I never hear about it. You know, people don't maybe don't like giving, but I'm over here on the receiving end and I'm like, I'm just not crazy about it.

That could be why. That could be it. But how you can make it more pleasurable is maybe you want a finger inside you or maybe you want em to use a toy on you while they're also going down on you.

So kind of experiment with it.

Yes, experiment with it and make it work for you. Like if they're just like licking in ways that don't feel good, I mean, it really is a practice. I wouldn't have known when I was first.

Yeah, maybe the guy doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't know. He probably doesn't. Katie, no one knows what they're doing. I'm telling you, I. I mean, even people who are experienced, let's say every, every time you've got a vulva in front of you, it's different. We're all like snowflakes. We're all different. So. And you're 26 years old. I don't know how old the guys you are dating, but they just don't have as much experience. But even again, I always say this, but guys in their 40s also sometimes don't have as much experience. So every time you're with a new partner is a great time to let them know what you like. Yes. Explore together, let them know what you're into, what feels good, and then take it from there. That's what recommend. But you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you, but thank you. Yes, absolutely. This is a. I hear this all the time. So just. Yeah. Learning it. Be honest with them. And tell them that that's what you heard from sex with Emily, and.

Exactly. That's what I will say. I'll be like, listen.

Yeah, she knows. She knows what's up. And then explore with them. Okay. Katie? Yeah.

Thank you so much. I appreciate you, and I love your pod.

Thank you. Have a great day.

Thanks, Katie.

You too.

Bye. I do get this question from time to time that there are different kinds of vulva owners. Some just don't want to receive oral because they have shame about their body, or they don't think their partner wants to be doing it, or they don't know how to relax into it. But again, there are these women that they have very sensitive clitorises. They can have the orgasm during penetration, but it's just that oral sex doesn't feel as great to them. So nothing wrong with you if this is happening. So, yeah. So figure out which kind of vulva owner you are. Now, if you're the one who has the shame around it and all that, that's something that I would definitely work on by getting comfortable with your body, taking baby steps with a partner, letting them know that maybe you're not as comfortable with it and what would feel good to you. And, you know, all of this is very helpful when you have a healthy masturbation practice to understand your body and what feels good so you can explain that to a partner. Next up, we've got Ari, who's 32, and she's trying to spice up her upcoming wedding night. But there's a twist. They can't have penetrative sex. Hey, Ari.

Hi. How are you?

I'm good. How are you? I'm good.

I'm just on my break at work.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Okay.

So my fiance and I are getting married August 28th, so really soon. And my fiance is waiting to get a kidney transplant, which I'm super thankful for. It's going really well. He's in as good of health as he can be, so I'm really grateful. But I'm a little nervous about our wedding night because a lot of the meds he's on just don't allow, like, sexual activity to always happen. And at first, it was really hard for me to overcome and accept the change in our sex life. And now, like, two and a half years into this, we're in a good place about it. But, you know, there's, like, a lot of pressure around the wedding night. And prior to this big change in his health, we were very sexually active couple, and we make it happen when we can. But a lot of the meds he's on just. It just doesn't always allow it to happen. And so I'm just kind of wondering, like, some tips and tricks to still have, like, an intimate night together if it just can't happen. Does that make sense?

Yes, absolutely. Well, congratulations, first of all. Thank you. Yeah, I totally get that. I mean, that makes sense. Sense. And really it's about connection that night. And so when you talk about, like, the adventurous sex you had in the past, like, what do you miss? Because I'm trying to think if I could give you some ideas that could sort of simulate that even if he isn't able to, is can he not get an erection and there's no penetration? Okay.

That kind of thing. Like, he feels the urge. His body chemistry just isn't allowing it to happen.

Okay. You could give each other massages. You could get some really beautiful massage candles and you could light it and give him a massage. He can give you a massage just to get into your bodies after what'll probably be a beautiful, but maybe stressful, tiring day of having a wedding. And so I love massage candles because they just, you know, I've talked about them in the show before, but there are some great ones. We have, like, good vibration cells them on our site. Those are awesome. You could play some games. There's some great sex games also, like, there's some question and answer games, you know, that could kind of lead to other sexual activities. You could use some toys. Have you used toys together yet?

We have used toys together. I think that, like, as we're talking, I guess what I'm finding I'm a little more concerned about is how to make it if he can't have an erection. How to make it an intimate, positive experience for him. Because I feel like. I feel like I'm always getting taken care of right now, which I am not complaining about on our wedding night. I kind of want it to be like a both of us thing, even if sex is just can't happen.

Okay, thank you for clarifying that. What about. Have you ever tried anal play on him?

Like, yes, like during oral sex.

Okay, well, maybe you could. I mean, since you can't have oral sex. I mean, I would recommend getting, like. I mean, it is anal August. Getting a butt plug or there's like a great BE vibe. Makes this great beginner anal kit. And it's a beautiful kid that has great tips about anal sex. And it's like, builds up from different butt plugs from different sizes. Maybe you could if you'd be willing to experiment with something like that. I mean, he probably could still feel pleasure in his prostate and if he can't get erection. And so that could be. I know that's a lot on the wedding night. Maybe you have to clear it with him beforehand. But that. That could be really fun. I like the idea of a massage. I don't want him to get, like, frustrated through sex if he can't get hard. But I'm just thinking body touch, sensations, kissing, like slowing everything down, spending a lot of time touching different parts of his body.

Yeah. And I think that, like, spending time, like, slowing down, touching part of his body is like, a really good suggestion. Literally every night since we've started staying the night together three, four years ago, it's always, will you tickle my back? Or like, every single night. And I love touch, so I always say yes. So maybe like, I like the idea of the massage candle. Maybe just, like, switching up how we massage and touch before bed is a really good idea.

Yeah, I think that's great. And you know what? You could also get. There's some great touch. If you're into touch. There's some great, great. They're like finger caps you put in your fingers and they have these little pointers on them. So they're like, like nails that you put on yourself. And you could scratch himself with them. And you could just kind of like, use this. You could give him a really special massage where he's just. Maybe you put a blindfold on him and he's on his stomach. And then you could play with the warmth of the massage candle. You could use these little finger caps that you put on with, like, little nails. You could even use a toy on his back. I mean, I love the fin. It's called the Fin by Dame. And it's like my new, like, go to. Because it's a finger vibe. But you put it on your finger and that means your whole body becomes like a vibrate. Like anywhere you touch on his body. Cause your finger can go in places. So you could even just use that on the massage oil. And it's just a really cute vibe. Comes in a great box. He could use it on you. You could use it on him. And it's just. It's super cool. I love their products are just, like, very innovative. So I think that, that if he likes tickling his back just to kind of expand that and just be about, like, worshiping his body everywhere. That feels good right now for him.

Yeah.

So sensations are great. Playing with ice, too. Like having some ice cubes by the bed. Oh, and also system. Now that we're talking, I'm like, I want to play on this for you, system. Joe makes some warming products and some cooling products. They have, like, a cooling lube and a warming lube, and I think they even have it for massage, too. So you could just kind of even you. Can you touch his penis still?

Yes.

Can he feel anything? Absolutely. Okay, good, because that might feel. Again, I'm thinking about sensations that might feel good without the pressure to, like, have an erection, but just to kind of please him. So usually, you know, temperature play is what I'm talking about. And just playing with him. And you could even get a feather, you know, a necklace you could drag on his back. Like, there's just sensations. Just giving him a really special massage. Get some of his favorite foods, play some music and set the mood or something that makes you feel sexy. Do a little strip. Yeah.

Awesome. Okay.

All right. Congratulations and thank you. Have fun. Have fun with it.

Thank you.

I think he's gonna be so happy that you thought about this ahead of time.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Well, thank you so much.

You're so nice to you.

You're so welcome. Of course.

Bye.

Bye.

I love this question, because even if you're not getting married and trying to create a special night, or one of you are unable to have penetration right now to have penetrative sex, this is where the juice is. There are so many exciting things that you can do that can either build arousal towards penetration, allow you to explore each other's bodies and figure out what.

Feels good for both of you.

And so I just think that making this kind of play part of your relationship is the thing that's going to keep it interesting and hot. If you have a sex life that's just focused on penetration, that's going to get really old real fast. My next caller is Liz, 25, who's got some oral questions. Hello. Hi, Liz. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. Thank you so much for calling in. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

Of course.

Thank you for doing what you do.

Yes. Okay, so tell me what's going on.

Yeah, so my boyfriend has been sort of noticing and complaining about having, like, a swollen tongue after oral sex, like, the next day, which, of course, like, deters him from, you know, wanting to do it because it's kind of painful for him. And I guess I was just wondering, like, is that a normal thing? Do other people have that? Like, what the heck is.

Okay. Well, how long have you guys been together?

We've been together for four years.

Okay. And it happens every time.

Yeah.

Okay. You know, are they little. Does he get sores or get swollen? What does it look like?

Yeah, it's like, it's not sores. Like, it's not an STD or anything like that, but it's just like the bottom of his tongue is swollen.

Okay. Okay. I mean, there could be. Is he going very hard? Like, is he using a lot of pressure?

I guess, yes.

Okay. Because my first thing was, like, it could be an std. Like, it could be something like that. So I would definitely get you both tested. I know you've been together for four years, but hopefully you get tested and you know that it's not that, because you can get some kind of. You know, it could be a yeast infection, syphilis or gonorrhea. You can take antibiotics to treat those. But have you also asked him? I know you guys have been together four years. Has it ever happened with another partner? Does it ever happen when you eat certain foods? Because, like, sometimes I eat acidic foods and my tongue swells. Like, I'll have. Or lots of fruit.

I think that I have asked him if it has happened with people in the past, and I think that it has. I'm not sure about food, though. I don't think so. Now, what it looks like to me, because obviously, you know, I went on a whole rabbit hole. Of course, you know, I'm not trying to hate on him, but his bottom teeth are, like, a little crooked, and so it kind of looks like the part of his tongue that's, like, connected to the mouth.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah.

It kind of looks like it, like, gets caught in his teeth.

Oh, yeah. It's like that.

It's not like.

Oh, yes. Okay. Okay, that makes sense. So it's like getting. He's like. And then this. Right. So that's getting caught in his teeth. That makes so much sense.

That's what I think right now, obviously, I thought I was going crazy, so.

I wasn't sure, but do you like the way he's going down on you? Like, does it feel good?

Yes.

Okay. So I would say that he could find a position where he's minimizing this. This pressure, because he could. If he's leaning more forward, like, if you're lying flat on the bed, or if you're, like, lying on the edge of the bed, and he could be down, like, on his knees, or you could elevate in Some way with like a wedge underneath you so he's not like in between your legs. He's not like going up and out. But, you know, maybe you're standing like to me he's just. It's a position thing. Or get his teeth fixed. But I wonder if he could even put. This might sound silly, but I remember when I had braces, there was like wax you could put in your teeth. So the braces didn't hurt. No, I totally. It totally sounds like he's cutting out his teeth. Especially because you're showing me it's the bottom of his tongue. Yes. Yeah, yeah, that's what I would recommend. And get tested. I know you've been together for a long time, but I would say that that would be something to get tested for. But if it's that same part, that's probably what it is. You already know.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So positioning could be the edge of the bed. He could kneel in front of you. You could put your feet on his shoulders too, so he could. You're more elevated. Okay, so he's not. I don't know what position he's in now, but whatever he's doing, it's just like he's applying too much pressure. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Makes a lot of sense.

Okay, good, Liz. So that's. We got that out of the way. So what else?

Just kind of like a follow up that it's. It, you know, it takes me like pretty long time to like have an orgasm, which then also contributes to like him going down on me for, you know, for what seems like forever.

How long is it? Do you know? Do you ever look at the clock?

No, it feels like 45 minutes, but that could just be a total. I could just be making that up.

Okay, Well, I mean, the thing is it takes women about between 20 and 40 minutes to orgasm. So that's common. And that's why also that's. But he sounds like he's very motivated and very driven, so he's just going at it and he's hurting himself. So also he could take a breath. Maybe there's a breathing you could do together. He could stop. He could go back to it. Maybe you go down on him and he comes. It doesn't have to be the straightforward 40 minutes, but yeah, that's. That's how long it can take. And I love that he's willing to go the distance. But having that tongue swell thing is not. Is not ideal. So I think just talking to him about it and finding a position like you could even Play with positions. Be like, let's try to find before you settle in. Let's make you comfortable here. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because honestly, it's just pretty like standard positioning.

And then.

And then exactly what you're saying. Like, we're just doing it for, like, the whole time straight and not really, you know?

Yeah. And he's, like, super driven to do it. I love that he's going at it for. For a long time, but that's what we need, you know, that's what a lot of us need. So. Yeah. Let me know how that goes. Positioning. Maybe something in his teeth, a little wax.

Perfect.

Thanks, Liz. I so appreciate you. Thanks for calling me. I appreciate you. Yeah. This was so fun.

I agree.

Keep me posted.

I will.

Okay. Have a great day.

Thank you.

Thanks, Liz.

Bye. I love when these questions come in about positioning, because that's really what it is. You know, sometimes we just get so caught up in the moment, and then we're like, oh, my God, my neck hurts, my elbow hurts. You know, my foot fell asleep. We don't have to be uncomfort comfortable when we're having sex. So sometimes props, using a wedge, using a pillow, and just stopping for a minute and saying, like, this is about being embodied and knowing what is feeling good and what's happening in your body in any moment. And so finding ways to get into comfortable positions for both of you. This is part of what makes sex fun. It's kind of fun and playful to say, I'm not that comfortable, you know, Let me take a move here. Let me. Let me grab a pillow. I think that we're so sometimes afraid to talk about sex that we just think we have to suffer through the weird parts or suffer through, like, being uncomfortable or hurting ourselves. But there's a lot of great workarounds using pillows or wedges or sitting on the couch instead of on the bed, or standing instead of sitting. So think about ways that you can improve positions or sex acts that you're doing right now just by a little switch of, you know, moving your legs or moving your body. Sometimes there's, like, quick fixes that can really help in the long term. I'm going to take a quick break to hear from our sponsors, but after I talk to Jessica, who's 22, and she's dealing with some dryness during sex. Well, I'm here to help.

I'll be right back.

I've got Jessica, 22. She's got questions about dryness. Hi, Jessica.

Hello.

Hi, Jessica. How are you?

Hi, Emily. I look so Crazy. I'm a graduate student, so I'm like, midterm season.

Oh, my gosh.

Totally looking crazy. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Grad school. That's exciting.

Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Okay, so tell me, what's going on.

Basically, I am in a. I've been in a relationship for about three years now with my boyfriend. And the whole relationship, honestly, Emily, like, so chill. He's like my best friend. Two peas in a pod. I did lose my virginity to him. And he is a little bit older than me, so, you know, he was really respectful about it and, you know, kind of coached me through everything. But it's kind of gotten to a point, a little bit, where it's okay. Now we're trying to work towards a connection, and I still don't really know what to do. Like, I feel like I want him, and I'm like. I feel like I am a very sexual person, but then it, like, comes to actually doing something, and I'm like, I get so awkward. And, you know, recently, too, I've been dealing with. This is like, tmi. But I gotta tell you, it's basically yeast infections. And so it's been causing the vaginal dryness for, like, since the beginning of this year, he's been going through some stress at work. On top of that, I'm going through my graduate school stress. And so I feel like all that combined. He didn't know that I was, like, having these infections. So, you know, in the bedroom, he was kind of like, why am I not turning her on? And I should have explained that to him.

Yeah.

So now it's kind of gotten to a point where he's like, jess, I really want to have a connection with you, but, like, I don't know if it's your personality or, like. Like, I feel like sexually we're not connecting. It's like, that's really important in a relationship. And I'm like, yeah, I agree, thousand percent. Like, I think that's important, too. But obviously, I'm dealing with the infection. It's clearing up now. But now I'm kind of just like, how do I. Because now it's kind of getting awkward. You know, it's just like, I get really nervous now. I'm not as confident in bed now with him. Like, okay, it just feels. And then I tried to, like, spice things up, and, you know, I went to. I went and got, like, the silk ropes. I was like, oh, maybe you could tie me up.

We could switch up.

And he's like, no. Like, I want more of a Connection. I'm not like the type to do that, you know?

Okay.

And I was like, maybe you could, like, talk me through it more. He's like, okay, like, I tried to talk about it outside of the bedroom and be like, what do you like? And he kind of was like, no, no, we'll do that inside the bedroom. So it's kind of like at that stage. And I'm like, this is. I feel like it's so fixable. And I'm like, this is so frustrating because it's such a good relationship. And it's like, this can't possibly be like, the right.

There's always gonna be something in a long term relationship. So you've been together three years, so you're right where you need to be. There's always gonn. And usually a lot of times it has to do with sex. So. And you're 22, right?

Yes.

And how old is he?

He is 27.

Okay. Okay. And so when you say that, you start. So you've been here three years. How did you feel that at the beginning you were more confident?

You know, it was still the beginning again. I did lose my virginity to him. I, like, grew up in a really strict household. On top of that, like, I. So I was like, nose in the books. I feel like even in high school, like, I went to an all girls Catholic school. Like, I did not. I really didn't have, like, the freedom to. I don't know if that's important. Like, at that age you're supposed to explore, but I was like, nose in the books. Like, didn't really have any experience except, like, making out with people. That was it, you know?

Of course. No. And then you've been with him for a year since you graduated, essentially a year after you graduated. So I would first say, go easy on yourself. There's no way that you would know what to do if you haven't. He's your first partner and it's been three years and you're like, okay, we've done all the things now. Now what? So I do think it's something that I would love him to feel comfortable talking to you about it outside the bedroom. I get that he wasn't because for most, he probably doesn't know what to say either. So I recommend, like, finding some tools. Like, you know what? I. I don't know if you guys would be into this, but Bellesa is they make this, like, ethical porn. It's like porn that is really like, hot for all genders and it shows real body types it's super sexy at the name, ethical. And porn makes it sound not hot.

Yeah, yeah.

But maybe you guys could watch some stuff together, like, and say, like, oh, that's hot. That's not hot. Like, this is where I love porn, especially porn that I know that many vulva owners are like, oh, that's really hot. There's like more romance, there's a plot, there's more. And you just might need some more, like, data. You might need some more external information. I mean, I love that you listen to the podcast. I think porn that's done right could be a great tool for you. And talking about. He probably doesn't know either. Even if he's a few years older. I mean, probably his first really long term serious relationship, he hasn't been experimenting. And so even if you say to him, like, what are the three most memorable times we've had sex? And then you answer and he answers, you're gonna find there's some really great sort of sexual DNA in there. Like, he's gonna tell you, like, oh, it was that time that, you know, you came home and surprised me and did something. Or was that unexpected time? You'll start to hear patterns and then you can think about it for you too. Like, when were you the most turned on? But I think if you can get him to agree that you're both excited exploring and learning and growing together. And it's something that you, if this is someone you're going to be with. It's really important for couples to have a growth mindset around sex and to agree that it's something that they're going to prioritize and talk about because you don't have to fix it all on your own. And it sounds like a lot with like, stress and your Catholic upbringing and yeast infections.

Yeah, it's. And I feel bad because I also, like, I feel like it was kind of my fault because I didn't explain to him, like, what was going on. Because also, as a woman, I just didn't want to be like, I. Yeast infections. I don't really know why I'm super clean. Like, I don't, you know.

It'S not you, you know, And I feel like that was really hard for him to wrap his mind around. Cause he had convinced himself so much.

Like, ugh, we just don't have information. And now, you know, like, I think maybe when I was your age, I might not have said I had yeast infection. I'm like, that's so not sexy. But now as you get older, like, every Guy. Many guys I know have been with women who get yeast infections or bladder infections. UTIs, which sounds sexier than a yeast infection, but it's all the same thing, right? So I just think this is a learning experience for you, Jessica, and this is your first serious relationship, and first relationship, it sounds like, with sex. So you're exactly where you need to be. And I would just recommend. Really, like, it's okay. And I know that you feel bad, but it's not your 50% of the relationship. And so I don't know how else to convince him. Like, the fact that you're dry. It could be the yeast infection. It could just be like, are you on the birth control pill or anything?

No, no, no. It genuinely was. I was going to like, this male gynecologist. He treated me like a number, so he wasn't treating it well. And then. But now I got a good gyno, so.

Good, good. So that's what you need. And then you always use lube, too. You know how I feel about lube. Just use lube every time. And I know. I get. He's probably not going to understand that because so many penis owners think that if you have to use lube or the partner's that wet has to do with them, but I am telling you, it is not related. Of course you're turned on and into him, but it sounds like he needs. Maybe you guys could listen to the show together. You could call back in together. We could do a session. But I think that, you know, making sure that you're also comfortable. Like, are you having orgasms on your own? Are you masturbating? Are you doing things that keep.

Yeah, see, that's. That's also another thing, is there's only one way I can make myself orgasm. That's it. And I'm like, is that an issue, too? Like, is that there's only one one way. But I'm like, there's different positions that we do in the bed. Like, it's. You know, what's that position?

Is it during penetration?

Oh, no, it's just like clitoral stimulation. That's it. And if it's like one. One position, and I'm like, is that a bad thing? Like, do I need to explore? Like, it's like, is it a muscle? Is it like.

Well, it does help. All of that helps anything that we can do to pay attention to our pelvic floor. That's literally. You are strengthening your pelvic floor, which is important, but it's the muscles that are Responsible for orgasm. So if you're doing Kegels or you're masturbating or you're like, exploring and maybe you're slowing things down. I mean, I think that sometimes we. Yeah, we do. There's nothing wrong with me. I love that you can orgasm with one position. I mean, only 20% of women can orgasm during penetration. So the fact that you even have one position, I want to, like, tell you that that's. That's great. Like, that's more than many women. So there's nothing wrong with that. But I just think, Jessica, it's about playing, maybe sometimes taking sex off the table and not making it just about penetration, because that's how you learn about what feels good to you. And sometimes with his mouth or fingers or using toys together, and also that just like, it's something new. So if the same positions after three years is getting boring, I'll bet you could probably find other positions that would allow you to have pleasure at orgasms. But it's just like exploring together. Yeah, just.

Yeah, yeah.

Finding new positions. Using his hands, using lube. You're both learning together and. Yeah, saying that. But that's what it is. There's no problems here.

No. Okay, okay. It makes me feel better, you know, but the doctor was like, try to not have intercourse. Just, you're gonna. You're gonna bug it.

Good.

Knock it out. And so I'm like, okay. So I told him, and he's very respectful of these things. So, like, I was like, okay, maybe like in these 14 days I can. We can explore new things without, like, going all the way just. Just for these 14 days. And he was like, okay, I just really hope it gets fixed soon. And it's just kind of like.

Learn that that could be really, really hot. Like, just like making out, giving each other a massage, teasing. I mean, so many women, like, if you're clitoris, I know he said don't have sex, but what if he touch clitoris and you tease together and you play together, you know, give each other massages? Like, I just think that that's a great idea. But again, he just probably hasn't been in relationships or situations where someone said that to him. And he's all about the penetration.

Yeah, that's what I think too. Like, he definitely wasn't a. He also wasn't a long term, serious relationship before me. So I'm like, you know, maybe, like, I really don't think. I don't like to think about, like, the past as much, but I'm like, okay, maybe like for her it was just easier and she didn't deal with most of these things. And you know, like now I'm here and it's like all very new to.

Me, you know, I. Yeah, I would try to not do that as much as you can to think about the past. And she was a great lover because he's not with her anymore. Yeah, I would just try to like ex. Talk to him about again. It's really is more about talking and seeing if he is someone who's comfortable talking about sex. It's a practice. And if he's never done it, I get why he's saying no or that's weird, but like, that's sounds like something that you want and you need like dance and we all need it. So it's making it safe and comfortable for him. Are there things that you've been wanting to try in the bedroom? Do you have any fantasies or things that are interesting to you?

I do agree, like within the three years, it has been a lot more like routine now, you know, And I'm sure that's like a part of it. And he is like super stressed on. Like, I don't want to, you know, but no, now it's like, no, I want you to be more dominant. Like, I don't want to just be in the bed. And I, you know, I try to tell him that, but it's kind of like, oh, I'm tired. You know.

Like that. That phase, you know, where it's just like, I'm tired. You're like, okay, you know.

Right, right, exactly. That is the phase that you're in. But that's something that. This is what happens in so many couples. Like, oh, it's a phase and we're not going to deal with it now. But if you're into being more dominant, sometimes guys don't really know what that means or how to do it. So reading erotica together or listening to erotica, like try Quinn or fighting. You can even find scenes that you think are hot and show him so he knows. And. And this notion that we all think that sex is supposed to be great all the time. I used to think in my 20s too, like, if I was with someone for two years, I would say it starts to get boring. If two and a half years and I would just end it. Cause I just thought that that means that we're not supposed to be together. I didn't know. I didn't have the information I had now. So what I'm telling you is this is exactly what happens? This is what happens in every relationship. And so how are you guys gonna problem solve together? It's okay not to know. But finding information and educating yourselves together and finding different things that are hot. Doing our yes, no, maybe list on our website, which you can download for free, has all these sex acts on it. It has like 79 different sex things. It's like kissing and spanking and.

No, we need that, right?

Because I try to give people information. Because you guys, how would you even know what's on the menu?

We're just like, this is all I know.

You don't know what's on the menu. That's why I'm telling you. Like, you guys could do it as a date night one night and say, okay, when you come over, we're gonna do this thing and you can print it out. Or you could do it online and just say, like, which one of these is hot for you? What's the memorable time you've had sex? And just. Because what we're missing in long term relationships is because when we become so close to someone, think about it. Like, think of a fire. Fire requires air, right? Oxygen to keep it going. And if you're so close with someone, right, you sort of. You don't. You have that lack of oxygen. You can't create that passion and that heat anymore. So what we crave in relationships is a little bit of space. That's what the air comes in. But also variety, novelty, it's something new. So it's like even talking about it can be a great turn on, can enhance arousal and then finding different tools. So doing the Esther maybe list, like, thinking about different ways and positions and places you could have sex, things that you can wear, things that you can act out. That's why people do it. It doesn't mean that relationship is broken. It just means that everything gets a little boring after a while. Everything gets stale. The same exercise over and over again. You know, we could become stagnant in our, in our growth, our body, if we're trying to, like, build muscle. Like, you do the same exercise, you know it. You plateau, you plateau. So you almost, like, have plateaued. But that's not a problem. The thing you have to do is both agree that you want to find a solution together and how. And you present it this way. Jessica, like, oh, I'm so excited. Like, let's explore together. Let's figure out what's hot for us. Like, sex with Emily said that she's got this, yes, no, maybe less. Or let's each Go to her website and pull out an article that we want to read to each other. Because there's so many great articles on the site about every topic you can imagine. So you might have to drive it, like, bring the fodder. But once most guys try this, I believe that they're like, they realize it's not about them being bad lovers. You're not saying you want to break up with them. You're not saying the relationship's doomed. It's like, I just want to work together. And here's some stimuli to keep it going.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Literally, breath of fresh air. This was perfect. Seriously, thank you so much. And honestly, like, thank you for creating a space, especially for people like me who, like, came with such strict upbringing, like, only till marriage. You know what I mean? It's not the same anymore. Everyone's different. Obviously, to each their own. But seriously, thank you for creating a space like this.

It is my pleasure to talk about things and thank you for being brave enough to call in and for sharing your story. There are so many people in your boat, and your story will absolutely help them and resonate. So thank you.

Alrighty.

Okay, talk to you soon.

Have a good day.

Keep me posted. Bye, Jessica.

Bye.

Okay, so Jessica brings up a lot of great points. You know, first of all, a lot of us grew up in homes where it wasn't celebrated to be sexual. It wasn't okay to be sexual. You know, she explained that she went to Catholic high school. So that's something that we're constantly have to look at and say, do those messages still serve me? Obviously not, because Jessica's decided that she wants to be sexual outside of marriage. It's really about finding a partner that has a growth mindset around sexual. Somebody that is. That is interested in learning and growing and not giving up. Like I love. I could see Jessica's frustration. I could hear it. She's a fixer. But remember, there's two of you in the relationship, and you both need to work on it together. And what a great time to find out before you get married, before you commit for life, is your partner into prioritizing your sex life? Because I promise you, no matter what stage you're at your relationship, there will come a time when there's going to be something that you need to work on. And what a great way to find out if your partner is game talking about it. Communication is a lubrication. After the break, I talked to Daniel, who's wondering whether to try to fix things or get divorced from his high School, sweetheart. Don't go anywhere.

My next caller is Daniel, 24, in Texas. And it looks like Daniel's got some issues communicating with his wife. Hey, Daniel, what's going on?

Okay, where do I begin? Me and my fiance are in a really bad spot right now. Like, it's on the verge of, like, ending. And we've been together for seven years. We have three kids, and, you know, like, when it's good, it's good, but when it's bad, it's bad, you know? And I feel like it's reaching its breaking point. But, you know, I've been with her. Like, we got together when we were high school, you know, like, I'm only 24.

Okay, okay. Yeah, three kids. Three kids.

One boy and two girls.

Okay, so what's going. I mean, that's. Yeah, you've been together. You grew up together, essentially. So what's going on now?

Like, I moved out of my mom's house when I was 17, and since then I've been with her and we've lived together, but I've never actually been on my own. And, like, I don't know if I should keep trying with her because neither one of us, like, we both want to try, but neither one of us is, like, really sure it's worth it. And if it doesn't work out, then I don't know what to do with, like, myself.

Yeah. I mean, Daniel, how are you guys gonna work on. I think therapy would be great for you guys.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you're gonna be together for life because you have three kids, so you're gonna be either co parenting as separated or married. And I can't tell you how much I highly recommend it. You just need it out. You've been together seven years, and you need an outside mediator, essentially, to kind of help you develop new tools. I would find a marriage and family therapist in your area. Do you have health insurance?

Yes.

That is the first thing you need, and you guys need to commit to it like it's your, you know, like it's feeding time for the kids. I mean, like, it's. It's everything. Because, I mean, obviously I'm sure you are frustrated having three kids under the age of 24, and it's your first. Both of your first relationships. So I hear what you're saying is, what are you going to do? And I think that we would cross that bridge when we come to it. But the fact that you both still want to make it work and you can't do it on your own Which I'm telling you, you won't be able to do it on your own, to commit, to help. It doesn't mean you're crazy, doesn't mean you're wrong. It means I recommend that every couple needs it. Especially after seven years and what you guys have been through. You're young, You've got your whole life ahead of you. You're going to learn great tools. And then if you're with a therapist, and, I mean, I believe that couples shouldn't break up until they go to therapy because, you know, sometimes it can help, and sometimes you just realize we're not compatible. But right now, you're probably having the same arguments over and over again. It's not even about what you're arguing about, because what happens after so much time together is that resentments build up. It might sound like it's about you working too much or her doing something, but it's not really about that. It's about other things that just pile up over time that we don't take care of.

Yeah. Like, I was thinking to myself the other day that we may have confused chemistry for compatibility, because we have great chemistry. But, like, in the beginning, like, we could almost finish each other's sentences. Didn't have to say anything because we already knew what the other was thinking. And now it's like we disagree on everything. We can't find a happy medium. I don't.

What kind of things are you disagreeing on?

Finances. Like, how to deal with the kids. Like, my son starts school this year. And, like, how we're just gonna make it all work and not go crazy.

It sounds like you guys just have a lot, a lot going on right now that's. And now she's working, so, you know, I can see why there's probably a lot of challenges. Maybe you're not compatible, but it's so hard to know when there's so much responsibility together to care for, you know, children and finances. And you don't have a lot of world experience either being with other people or just living life. So it's a lot at once. And. And all couples go through really hard times where they think they weren't going to make it. No couple is happy all of the time through the. All their years. It's the couples who can get past these times, you know, that. That make it, or at least find out that they can't. But you. You won't be able to do it, just arguing back and forth.

Yeah, we. We've tried, like, thought about, like, okay, like, what if we just take a break from each other? You know, just like get some space, have our personal time. But like, we live in the same apartment, so. And we can't really afford to have two places, so we can't really get away from each other. And it's starting to impact our sex life a little bit, I'm sure.

Yeah, no, that's really. Especially during the pandemic, you guys were locked down together with kids. I mean, that's just not easy. How old are your kids? Curious.

My son just turned four. My oldest daughter just turned two. And this month on the 20th, my youngest daughter will be one.

Okay, four, two. And that's really young kids. It's a lot of responsibility. So. Yeah, Daniel, this is just. If you can just kind of get some time to think and figure out a plan. And I think talking to. Would she be open to going to therapy?

She actually suggested it earlier today.

Great. I mean, I'm telling you, Daniel, it's just like, it's a game changer. You will be so much further along a month from now after, say, four sessions than you are right now.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to do that. I've always been like, really hard headed and I don't, you know, need to hear what a therapist has to say, but.

But you wanted to talk to me, so I thank you for being open to talking to someone because I get that whole, like, being hard headed and I don't need anybody, but that's not gonna serve you. And so it's better to find that out at 24 than to be 44 and still being in the same place you are. Because believe me, I talk to a lot of 44 year old men who say that too, and it's not going well.

Okay, one more question.

She had told me that she thinks one of the main reasons we're having problems is because we never. We never took the time to be able to stand on our own as individuals before standing together. And in doing that, we kind of handicapped ourselves by if we split, then we can't really stand on our own yet.

And I don't know if we should, if it's too late to take the time to do that, or if we should roll with it and see where it goes.

Well, that's a good point. I mean, it is true, but there is something called like, healthy interdependence or healthy dependence on each other where you can both grow within a relationship. But it doesn't sound like you have the space to do that right now. And I do think that there's a lot to be said for figuring out who you are on your own, but you also have kids right now. Because I agree with her that you haven't had a lot of time alone, but you can still create independence in a relationship. But I just think it'll be hard for you right now with the situation you're in.

Oh, it's very hard.

Yeah, it sounds really hard, Daniel, you know, but you're gonna get through this. And I love that you're calling in. And I do think that these are all great things to bring up in therapy. How do you still grow and figure out who you are outside of the relationship? When you're in a relationship, it doesn't always mean separation. It just takes maturity and talking it through and being really honest and open and being able to listen.

Yeah, I'm gonna try that. Because, like, you know how they say history repeats itself? Like, yes, my parents, they split when I was about 2, and my mom moved to Corpus Christi. My dad stayed in Houston, and I would go back and forth every year. And I was talking to Frankie's my fiance's name. I was talking to Frankie, and she said that if we did split, then she was going to go back to Centon. And I was like, that sounds just like my childhood. My parents split when I was a baby and moved to different cities.

And, yeah, history does repeat itself. It's true, you know. So how do you stop the cycle? I think it's by learning how to communicate and learning how to problem solve together and learning how to be really good partners to each other, learning how to care for other people. And so keep your independence, which is a practice. And at 24, I didn't know how to do that. It's not easy. So, yeah, I get it. You don't want to be going back and forth. But, I mean, I love that you're asking these questions now because I'm telling you, so many people just keep repeating things from the past without ever looking at it. This could start you on a great journey. It's good to start now. And hopefully you guys can. By having an outsider help you, you'll be able to hear a different perspective that you can both kind of come together on and have different conversations that aren't the same. Because I'm assuming you're having the same conversations right now, you know, and it's not going anywhere. So except for, like, we should separate, which maybe you should, but we won't really know yet. But I see not wanting to repeat that, yeah, of course. So what can you do differently now? Doesn't have to repeat itself. The fact that you have that awareness is really great.

Well, yeah, I'll definitely take your advice and talk to her. And yeah, going to a therapist and if that doesn't work, then take it from here.

Yeah, let me know. You can reach out again. We could do another call. If she wants to come on the call with you, we could do one together.

Okay.

Okay.

I've told her about your podcast. I showed it to her. She was really interested.

Okay, good. Daniel, just keep me posted. Okay. You got this. It's really responsible and I'm here for you.

Thank you.

Okay. Have a good day. Have a good night. Bye. Yeah, you guys. You know, I know that I often talk about couples going into therapy together, but we all need help outside sometimes. It's really young to get married and to have kids and to try to problem solve and they have to be everything to each other right now. And as we know, that's just a challenge in relationships. So listen, a lot of your health insurance plans will cover you going to therapy. And I think it's just a really important next step. And I'm going to reiterate what I said, that if you are thinking of just leaving somebody and you have kids, remember you're still going to be in each other's lives forever. So you might as well figure out how to be effective communicators for the long term.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you want to ask me a question about sex, dating or relationships, you can email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sex with emily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex. And you can check out our guides at sex with emily.com guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails. Cuz hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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