Hotline Calls: Chastity Play & Anal Rimming

Kind of like if you haven't gone to the gym in two years, you're not going to go run 10 miles, you're not going to go take a really hard workout class. You're going to build up to it again. So the more you can do right now is start to keep your pilot light lit and start to keep your own sexuality alive and reclaiming your sexuality as something for yourself that is unrelated to your ex. Because sometimes if we still associate sex with our ex, then we compare all of our future partners to our ex. So once we start to create new sexual experiences with ourselves, then our most recent sexual memories have to do with us.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. You asked and we're answering. In today's episode, producer Erica and I are answering both hotline calls and your emails. As always, you guys delivered. Today, we're talking how to get comfortable receiving anal rimming, penis cage safety, what to do if your partner never wants sex and you've tried everything, what it means when you feel numbness and tingles during oral sex, and how to bring back your sex drive after a divorce. If you want to leave a voicemail with your questions, please do call my hotline, 559-TalkSex or 559-825-5739. You can also leave me your questions or Message me@sexwithemily.com askemily. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, how to Master Pretzel Position is up on sexwithemily.com all right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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This is from Kelsey. She's 34, in Detroit.

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. We're very open sexually and we love to explore new things. I guess there's really no easier way to say this, but he loves to eat my ass. It's like his favorite thing to do and I love that he gets so turned on by it. That turns me on. One time when we were just discussing sex, he, he did say he would actually like me to do that to him. And he's never had it done before and I absolutely agreed. Although he wants it done, it's been very difficult for him to open up to it in the moment. I tried to bring it up in the bedroom, which I know you say not to do, but I, I try to bring it up during sex and, and he just, he, he. It weird him out. And I think it's really hard for him to do something that maybe isn't classically known as something very masculine. I think it may be it messes with his own sexuality a little bit. I was wondering if there were any way to kind of ease him into it and make him feel more comfortable. If there's anything I can do. If there's anything he can do because I know he's going to love it and he wants to try it and I'll do anything that he wants to try because I love him.

Love your question. She's my girl from my town. Oh my God, Kelsey, you sound just really wonderful and such a loving girlfriend. First, let's talk about the fact that you're talking about eating ass anal rimming. And I want to remind you all why this might feel good and why this might be hot is because there's so many nerve endings we have in and around the anus and that when we lick it or we touch or we use a toy or fingers or hands or all the things. It feels great because. Because nerve endings. Okay, let me talk about some of your concerns here. First, I love that he brought it up, so that means he wants to do it. So my first thing that comes up is maybe when she brings it up in the bedroom. And to be honest, I'm okay with you bringing up, like, let's try a sex act in the bedroom. But maybe he's like, babe, we just had a big meal. I don't feel as hygienic right now. So that is a concern for many. We'll get into some of the other concerns. But a great, like, tip for this is to try it in the shower or after you get out of the shower, have a date night where you both take a shower or a bath, path together, and maybe that'll be the time that he feels the most comfortable. Try that out. And if you think it has to do with him being concerned about it not being as masculine or being too feminine, just want to remind all of you that sex acts do not have any correlation to your sexuality. Meaning there's a common misconception that if a penis owner enjoys receiving anal or prostate play, it must mean they want to sleep with other penis owners. That's just another thing that's wrong with sex education and society that we've totally like. This actually makes me sad that there's all these men who identify as straight who won't even go near their anus, won't even try to find their prostate, because they think, well, that's just reserved for the gay community. So just remember, a lot goes into our sexuality and enjoying a certain type of play. Like, this kind of play that feels really good is just not one of them. The other thing is, you know, maybe he's just not comfortable. He doesn't have any experience around receiving anal rimming, licking his anus because it's more submissive. And he might not be used to being the submissive one in the relationship.

And I feel like sometimes submissive and dominant can kind of get conflated with masculine and feminine. But they can be different, right?

They can be really different. So basically his job here is just to lay back and receive. You're literally just doing something that's gonna make him feel good. But we should not completely like Dom submissive and just you taking the lead in the bedroom and him alone allowing himself to receive, allowing ourselves to receive is also a skill set. There's many of us who aren't comfortable laying back and allowing our partners to pleasure us. But that is something I write a lot about, too. In my book Smart Sex, when I was talking about oral sex and receiving, it's like a whole part of the book because it's really important to say, like, know that you deserve pleasure. Know that you're with a partner who wants to please you. Breathing and allowing yourself to receive it is just a big part of the whole process.

And I think another myth we've talked about before is that the penis owner has to be the dominant one. If it's a penis owner and a vulva owner sleeping together, it's like penis owners like being the little spoon too.

To your point, we don't see submissive males modeled in the media, so it could take a conversation to get him really comfortable in this role. So I would recommend having this conversation outside the bedroom to discuss what might be preventing him from wanting this. Because what, again, I do like that he actually said he did want it. Something's happening that's just preventing him from going through with it. So when you're at date night and you're like, babe, you know I love the way you eat my ass, and you said, you want to try it, and I'm dying to do it, what would make it more comfortable for you? What could we do to make it really, really happen? If he's concerned about hygiene, you can shower. If he's worried about how you'll perceive him in the submissive role, you can let him know that you just want him to experience his pleasure. And I think another important thing is to let him know that it's a turn on for you too.

Yes. You enjoy giving. You enjoy watching him receive pleasure. You want to do the same to him that he's been doing to you. And I love that she's so down with it.

She's so down. She's my girl.

You got him, Kelsey.

Way to go, Kelsey. Listen, also, we have a recent podcast episode, want Better Sex? Stop believing this myth that might help you on this path.

All right, have so much fun. Both of you.

Really go for it. Bye, Kels. Thank you. This is from Drew48. Hey, Dr. Emily. I absolutely love your podcast and have picked up some awesome tips and tricks for making my wife love sex more and orgasm harder, which is trickier. And now that she's going through menopause, first off, can I just say I love that his wife loves more sex and his orgasming harder.

We love it.

That's so great. It's trickier now that she's going through menopause. Yeah, I hear you. She's Had a really rough time this year adjusting, and I've tried to be a good husband through it. We have always been slightly kinky, but really stepped things up in the past year. We even rented a dungeon overnight while in Chicago for a family wedding. And we both loved it.

Oh, my gosh.

But they were the only ones at the wedding visiting a dungeon at night. But we switch, which means that sometimes, you know, he's Dom or she's Dom. Dom Sub. But she's had a lot of fun taking on the dominant role. We even talked about getting a new bed frame and putting some hooks on it. So we have various ways to tie each other down, but we have kids, so we have to be discreet about it. We also experimented with chastity, but only for a few hours and days at a time. She loves being able to tell me when I can finally take it off. Usually after giving her an orgasm through oral or using a wand. As well as the idea of me wearing it to work and in public. I. I'm an attorney, so she loves knowing I'm wearing it in court. Ooh. Ooh. That's hard. I know. Case adjourned. Order in the court.

She also likes teasing me by checking it at places like bars when no one can see. Then I write about Locktober. Oh my gosh. Wow. And decided it would be a nice way to give things a boost. We talked about it for a few weeks. And being a lawyer, I even found an online chastity contract which I modified. I added a clause that she gets daily, daily oral for the entire month.

I want that clause.

I want that clause too. Will you be my lawyer? Will you be my sex lawyer? Really? We talked about how I could use her strap on over the cage or other toys to help her orgasm without any assistance from my penis. While we were playing with the cage yesterday, she expressed a concern about short and long term damage to my penis from having it locked up in a cage for so long. With breaks for exercise and cleaning, of course. Should we be concerned about long or short term damage? Any tips or ideas to eliminate the risk of damage? Or ideas to spice things up even more? I'm really trying to make it fun for her and focus on her needs and wants and spice things up.

Oh my gosh. I love this question.

I love this too. First, real quick, let's just talk about chastity for a minute with a penis, just so we know what we're talking about here. Usually I think when we think of chastity, we think about those cages that Men would supposedly force their wives or daughters to protect their virtue and to keep them virgins. That's where it first started. But today there's chassis devices and lots of products you can choose from. And these are essentially metal devices with a lock and key or some of them are controlled via an app. So it's a chastity kink. It's a broad spectrum, but basically a person might abstain from sex or be locked up in a physical device for a short period of time or for a full blown lifestyle where the key to a guy's sexual freedom literally is controlled by their partner. So he's in like a chastity cage around his penis. So that's what it is. They're playing this role of orgasm denial. His wife gets decide when he orgasms, decides when he has sex. And so that's what we're talking about here. It can look like a hard slinky with a lock on it that slides over your penis with a lock that you can't remove it. I'm feeling suffocated right now for that, for him. But I get it. It's a really hot way to power play. And that's what builds arousal for many people. That's the polarity, right? So you will get erections and there might be some discomfort and so basically she'll be teasing him and that's how it all goes down. And basically the entire point of chastity cage is for erection, masturbation and orgasm denial. It's inevitable you are going to get an erection and she might even be teasing you and then that creates the discomfort, right? And she's in charge. Little pain play. It's pain play. It's. Yeah, power play. Pain play. Now I understand that concern because that's real. Anytime we're playing with our genitals, messing with what they naturally want to do, we have to be concerned. We have to at least look into the risks. So you can get different sizes that allow for different degrees of penile growth, meaning erections. Like there's some that just keep it so like you can't really grow and then there's some that are going to allow you to grow. But as long as you properly measured the cage, it shouldn't cause any real significant pain beyond what you want. You will have some mild discomfort until your body becomes used to it. Especially true during erections or weather or activity changes or even while sleeping. Like those nocturnal erections are real. So you have to also, just like with any sex toys, make sure they're made of body safe materials that work for your lifestyle. Like, do you sweat a lot? Are you active? Important.

You might want to get one that's a little more open if you sweat a lot.

Also speaking of that, make sure that you are clean and well shaved because you want to prevent any hairs from getting caught.

Ouch, that's a big one.

Now you also want to check for bruises and blood blocking any redness or blueness around, you know, your testicles. So just keep checking every time you take it off and you're cleaning. Really pay attention since we don't feel things. Like, if you've ever worn an uncomfortable pair of shoes and you get home and you're like, I didn't know those shoes were hurting me all day. Like, you don't want to confuse thinking it's a mild pain of your erection in the cage, but then realize that it's actually something more. Make sure you pay attention. Of course, you know, using lubes and moisturizers will definitely help prevent any discomfort. And as it goes with sex, there haven't been any well funded medical studies or well, you know, in depth studies about the long term effects of permanent chastity. Right, Just like we have not put our money there yet.

Exactly.

We're just starting to study the clitoris. So, you know, approach this with caution. For sure. Some say that permanent or long term chastity could lead to atrophy of the penile tissues, which means weak erections, possible erectile dysfunction and shrinkage. Probably not going to happen, especially if you're removing the cage and taking care of your penis. But just be aware as always, there are some complications that can arise. So just pay attention, be mindful of your penis and just every time you take it off, check your penis out and see how it's responding. And then you gotta report back and let us know about October.

Yeah, please.

And how it went down. Oh my gosh.

I want to know, need to know.

Wow.

I feel like that's a good rule of thumb for most sexual acts. Just keep checking in with yourself, being mindful of how your body's reacting. If your balls are going blue in a real way, take it off. It's probably the one case in which blue balls would be real.

Yeah, exactly. Otherwise blue balls is fake. Yes, but it's so true during sex. Just pay attention if you have any pain or discomfort. I think that we, again, we override our body sometimes because we're in our heads or we don't want to speak up, but anytime there's pain during sex, Just, it's okay to slow things down. Stop, take a look, get a mirror out, check out what's going down down there. All right. Thanks, Drew. Sounds like you're going to have quite an October. All right, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors who help support this podcast. But before that, I want to tell you about one of Lelo's brand new products that's perfect for anyone just diving into anal play exploration. Their Soraya beads. They just came out last week and oh my God, it feels so good. It's a new type of orgasmic sensation, one bead at a time. It features four gradually increasing beads and eight powerful pleasure settings. And it's made of extra soft body safe silicone that's warm to the touch. If you haven't tried anal beads and you've been curious, get these beads. You're going to be blown away. Lelo truly never disappoints. And if you want to get your hands on their latest amazing toy, get 25% off all LELO products. When you use the code Sex with Emily at checkout, just go to LELO.com that's Ellie Ello.com and use the code sex with Emily for 25% off. Or just click the link in our show notes. All right, everyone, we'll be right back to answer more of your questions. Foreign.

This is from Sophie. She's 22 in Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily. I am a longtime listener and your podcast has helped me through a lot of sexual roadblocks within my relationship. But I've come to one that I have no idea what to do about anymore. My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. We're high school sweethearts and we love each other a lot. We have a really good relationship, except for the sex. Lately, I've always had a much higher drive than my boyfriend, but for the past few months, I feel like I just can't take it anymore. I'm always the one initiating sex, and the only way I can get him aroused is by literally touching his penis. If I try sensually kissing him, wearing lingerie, talking dirty to him, he either doesn't understand what I'm trying to do or he's just not into it. When we finally get into having sex, it's really boring. And it's always the same. The lights are always off. He never goes down to me anymore, even though I've brought it up to him, how that makes me feel. Using your three T's. And if he doesn't orgasm. Nobody does. He says it's because of stress, which I understand, but he won't do anything about it. We've been to therapy, which helped for a while, but eventually it stopped helping and sadly, our finances are too slim to seek out more professional help. Which is why I also just feel so stuck. I masturbate regularly, he's not on any medication, and we have a good relationship outside the bedroom. But our sex life is making me feel really unconnected with him and frustrated. Please help. She's done a lot. Sophie has done it all. She's kissing him, wearing laundry, talking dirty, doing the three T's. They've been to therapy. Oh, my gosh, you've done the work. So a few things come up for me here. First off, he recognizes this is happening and you've talked about it in therapy and outside the bedroom. But I'm curious. I want to know more about your boyfriend. What does he need more of? What are his turn ons? What might make it hot for him? He kind of has to opt in here and be like, you know what? Lingerie, kissing, dirty talk, not great. But you know what would be really hot? Phone the blank, Right? Does he need a massage? He's stressed out. Would he like you to massage him for 10 minutes and that would get him in the mood. He has to give a little bit here because you can't be the only one pushing this sex life boulder up the mountain by yourself, which so many of us do. In relationships. There's usually one person trying so hard, but it takes, you know, two of you to tango. You know, I'm also wondering, how was it at the beginning of the relationship? That's always really key.

Always a good question.

Because sometimes they ask people that, like, oh, no, it was hot, it was hot. It just changed recently. But some were like, oh, you know what? It really wasn't that great. It was never great. That's something to look at too. It's really hard to create something from nothing if you didn't have it at the beginning.

Especially because this couple was quite young when they first started dating.

That's the other thing. You were 15 years old. So essentially, you guys grew up together. You actually blossomed sexually together. So I'm wondering if there isn't some linking up here of your sexualities together and maybe there hasn't been a lot of time to explore separately. You are masturbating. Is he masturbating? What kind of porn does he watch? Or if he does masturbate, what does that look Like, I'm just dying to know more about him. Like, what have you learned in seven years about your boyfriend's sexuality? And maybe it's changed. Like, listen from 15 to 22. That's a big leap. You go from, like, having no sex, knowing nothing about sex, really, to, like, full, full on adults. And maybe your sex life has sort of just stayed the same meaning it's kind of what you guys can figure out together. So maybe there's just some more talking and doing the yes, no, maybe list or listening to this podcast together. Like, I love that the podcast has helped you, but, you know, many people listen with their partners and then they stop it, and then they use it as, like, a therapy to talk about it. Like, what do you think about what Dr. Elmy said here? A lot of people are using my book Smart Sex that way too. A lot of couples are using it and then, like, reading a chapter together and then using that. Because I think it sounds like we just got to get him to talk and explore.

I think that's super important because we hear from couples all the time saying that they've fallen into a sexual routine, a sexual script. And especially for those of you who have been with your partners since you were very young, you don't need to be having teenage sex when you're an adult. Like, things evolve. How does that happen? It probably requires some self exploration, some exploring together, but, yeah, I could imagine that getting a little boring as well if you're having the same sex you did when you first started having sex.

Absolutely. The boredom thing is real, you guys. We need that novelty to keep the sex interesting. That's just how we get aroused. We, like, literally need novelty when everything's the same. That's how we get shut down. That's how we get turned off. So it's actually a requirement to keep evolving your sex life to keep exploring together. It's a requirement for most couples to work on it, talk about it, and try new things, because otherwise it does just get stale. And again, this is an unfortunately common place. Most couples just suffer through it, but you don't have to. And, Sophie, I'd really like you to have a partner who's also has a growth mindset with you around your sex life. Okay, keep it posted.

Yeah, please keep us updated.

We want to know all the things. This is from Emily. She's 31 in Oakland, California. Hey, Dr. Emily. I have a question about receiving oral sex. Sometimes when I'm receiving oral sex, especially when it's good, my face and arms and Hands go numb and tingly and I don't orgasm. I did some research and the Internet says it's from hyperventilating, but I'm usually breathing normally. I've never orgasmed from receiving oral, and when the numbness sets in, it's pretty intense and makes me want to stop. Is there anything I can do to avoid this and enjoy receiving oral more? So first I want to say you might not be hyperventilating and breathing normally. And I just want to know what that looks like for you because a lot of us think we're breathing normally. I used to think I was breathing normally until I realized that I was a really shallow breather. And I've had to do a lot of work around enhancing my breath practice. I do breath work during sex. I really do deep belly breaths. And how I get in there is I do like a six count inhale and a seven count exhale. So when you're breathing in, you're really moving that sexual energy through your body. So that might just be something to look at. The other thing is, you said you've never orgasm from oral. I'm wondering what your orgasms are like otherwise. Do you orgasm during masturbation or penetration? And if so, do you get tingly then too? Or are you only getting tingly during oral sex? But really there's nothing to worry about. Like tingly fingertips, toes and lips can be a normal part of your body's sexual response. You know, these things happen and we all experience it a little bit different. You know, sometimes like we might feel shaky legs or a shortness of breath, increased heart rate when we're getting aroused during our arousal process, some of us might feel tingliness. It just happens. You know I'm always talking about nerves, right? Like erogenous zones, our areas packed with nerve endings. Well, those same nerves can also lead to a tingling sensation when you're being sexually stimulated, including in regions we don't often deem sexual. I've said this, but your hands, your inner elbows, your thighs, these are all amazing erogenous zones that feel just wonderful, great when touched. And it might feel tingly. Is this like a tingly bordering on feeling good or tingling bordering on feeling bad? So I don't think there's anything to worry about. It shouldn't last long. So maybe if you breathe through the tingling next time, like a really conscious breath, deep belly breaths and imagine the sexual energy and the good feelings moving through your body and spreading throughout your entire body, your Roger Stones, that might help you when you visualize that breath moving, and you visualize the tingling as being part of your sexual energy and arousal. Sometimes when we just, like, breathe with visualization, we can help sort of spread that sexual energy, you know, through our body. So maybe try to, like, meet the tingling as a new sensation to play with and ride that out. Play with it and see how you can move that through your body. But listen, please know if the tingling lasts for hours or even days, I definitely recommend seeing your doctor just to.

Go back a little bit. What would it mean if she only felt it during oral sex and not during masturbation or penetration?

So if she only felt it during oral sex? Well, I'm assuming that if it's oral, it's probably external licking, and if so, that could be vulvodynia, which is when we have nerve endings and around our vulva, which is the external part of the vagina that, when stimulated, can cause pain. So I might think it's that again, where penetration might not do it because the penis is just going inside of her. So, again, that's why I'm asking, is it, like, tingling feels good or tingling? Ouch. It's painful because she does say she has to have him stop. And so if you're having him stop, I'm just wondering if there's pain. And then we'd have to look into vulvodynia. And I would recommend definitely seeing a doctor and. Or a pelvic floor physical therapist who could help you work with any kind of vaginal vulva pain. Just help you maybe work with it to help you diagnose what's going on and then send you to another doctor if you need to. But remember, vulvas, if you have pain in any way during sex, during penetration, just at all, you don't have to live with it. There's a lot of excellent solutions now and different kinds of, you know, modalities that you could work with to help you get out of pain and into pleasure. Thank you, Emily. We really appreciate your question so much. This is from Christina. She's a female in Austin, Texas.

I recently got divorced about two years ago, and since then, my sex drive has just completely gone down. I have hooked up with several guys since, but I really have no motivation to have sex. And I want to know if. Or any ideas of how to boost my libido. Again, thank you.

All right, Christina, thank you for your question. And we hear this. This makes sense. You were with your husband for probably a while, and all of your, you know, sexual energy and sexual memories are Tied to him. And so it might be, you know, a little bit of a challenge to kind of get back into your body and feel your own sexuality again. Just go easy on yourself. Because people need a cool off period after separating because you've been used to sleeping with just one person. They had their routines, they were comfortable.

I definitely relate to this. I feel like anytime I've had any kind of separation, I literally don't want to have sex with another human being for like six months.

Yeah, absolutely. I'm with you. I want to normalize that too. That there's nothing wrong with us when we don't want to jump back out there and date again. I think people are split into two camps. So the people who are like, got to get under to get over. And then there's people who are just like, I'm going to take some time, I'm going to get to know myself. Who am I without a partner? I also hear that you are dating. You are out there too, but you're just not feeling it when you try to have sex. So the first thing I would recommend to get your sex drive back and to get more comfortable with it is solo sex. Getting your masturbation routine on. Because sex begets sex when we haven't been actively sexual. It's kind of like if you haven't gone to the gym in two years, you're not going to go run 10 miles, you're not going to go take a really hard workout class. You're going to be build up to it again. So the more you can do right now is start to keep your pilot light lit and start to keep your own sexuality alive and reclaiming your sexuality as something for yourself that is unrelated to your ex. Because sometimes if we still associate sex with our ex, then we compare all of our future partners to our ex. So once we start to create new sexual experiences with ourself, then our most recent sexual memories have to do with us. And that's a much more effective way, I think, to start to get our energy back sexually.

And I feel like it's just helpful to think of your sexuality as something of your own, that you don't rely on anyone else for it. And then it might not feel as intimidating the next time you're with someone else and you can just enjoy all the pleasure you know you're gonna have.

Love that. And if you're not excited about solo sex, maybe a new sex toy would spice it up. Mm, okay. I get a lot of toys to try here. It's true. But I love getting a new toy like that, actually, just knowing that there's something new to try. This is my invitation to masturbate.

People are always asking how to spice up partnered sex. And sometimes we need to spice up our solo sex too.

Yeah, it's kind of like when you're going to a new party, you're like, oh, I have a new dress to wear. So I feel much better, much more excited about the party now. It's kind of like that with sex toys. And we do have a ton of toys, vibrators, dildos. Our new store, it's shop sex with emily.com. i'm really proud of it.

It's so beautiful.

It's something that I really wanted for a long time because I wanted to be able to create a place where you guys can go where there's like vetted toys. The whole Sex with Emily team has vetted, approved. And, you know, it just makes it easier for you for whatever toy you want to buy. So like I said, you know, think about things too. Like when you're masturbating, you'll think about your turn ons. What are your core desires? What makes you hot turned on? Because now you're in a great period right now where you get to kind of incubate your new sexual self. Who is she? What do you want to explore in future relationships? So these are all things to be working on, to be thinking about right now and really to be feeling like sex shouldn't be so heady, like, like feel your way into new pleasure right now. And finally, of course, we have to also rule out any medications that you're on. Maybe you've taken some new medications or if you have any untreated trauma or you feel like a therapist would be a good idea right now, check that out because I just wanna make sure these aren't getting in the way of you having optimal pleasure. So thanks, Christina, so appreciate you.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559. Talk sex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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