Hotline Calls: Ghosting, Orgasms & Open Relationships

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If we want something different to happen, we have to do things differently. So how can you up differently in this relationship?

I think doing that yes, no maybe list. That's like also a really easy, like kind of cute and flirty ice cream.

It's a fun, flirty thing. Yeah. And then you'll be out of your head. And then maybe he'll be your new excitement. You'll be like, oh my God, he's gonna, you know, give me a massage or we're gonna take a bath together.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex on today's episode. Oh, I loved talking to all of you. I got to answer more of your questions from the Sex with Emily hotline. Some of the things we get into is how to handle it when your partner wants to have sex with someone else. And stay in Your relationship, what it means when you fantasize about your ex, how soon is too soon to start dating someone new after a breakup? And ways to avoid ghosting intentions with Emily. Join me in setting an intention. Think about it. What do you want to get out of listening to this episode? I do it and I encourage you to do it. So my intention was to just show you how common these issues are and outline the steps you could take today to build healthier relationships and have more of the sex you want to have. My other intention was to get the hotline calls going. So remember, if you have a question, just call my new hotline. It's 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. And all you do is you leave in your questions and then we will set up a time for you to call in. You can also message me, as always, sexwithemily.com Ask Emily. Always include your name, your gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. And I'm totally cool if you change your name. All right, everybody, enjoy this episode.

We have Ali. She's 23. She's monogamous, but her partner talks about wanting to have sex with other people. Welcome, Ally. Thank you for calling in. Tell me everything.

Yeah.

So what's going on?

Yeah, so I am, like I said, I'm 23, so I'm pretty young, but I am. I have been with my partner for a couple of years now. We have a wonderful relationship, a very healthy relationship, I think, especially for being so young. He's only a couple of years older than me, and we have very different sexualities. And I have never been able to really pinpoint exactly what we would call our different sexualities, but they're pretty much opposite. So I am, I would say, more on the demisexual spectrum. I'm not huge into labels, but I found that term not too long ago, and I really identified with it. So I need emotional intimacy to even be attracted to somebody. And it explained a lot about my life. I was really excited to hear that term. Whereas he is really able to separate physical desire from emotional desire. So in a perfect world, his relationship wouldn't necessarily be a monogamous one. It would be one where it could be open sexually, but the emotional intimacy and the primary relationship would still remain the same. It would be one, one person where he, you know, expresses that emotional intimacy with. So I was just wondering because I have never heard of this kind of dynamic. I was just curious if you had any thoughts on, you know, he. Right. Now we're in a monogamous relationship and we have been for years. But I know that there's this part of him that isn't really being fulfilled in his sexuality. But I don't know how I could possibly offer that to him or find a compromise because I am totally on the other end of the spectrum.

Right. And I think a lot of us are demisexual, but we just don't really know that term, you know, as far as. Yeah, we want to have an emotional. Cause that's what I want. Like I can't, I don't want to just go out and have sex for. I mean I have, don't get me wrong, I've had sex just because I had sex for sex sex. But mostly if I want to be with someone in a relationship, I've got like. And to me usually it wasn't just random. It's because maybe we had emotional connection even if it was fleeting. I need that as well. Someone needs to see me, get me. I think it's common. So thank you for bringing this up, this term up, but if you're looking for monogamy and you've been with him for a few years, you said. Right. So you've been with him like you know that that's what you want right now at 23. And if he doesn't, that might just be really hard for you to. Because you don't want to go out and just have sex with people, do you? Unless you want to develop a few parties.

When I'm in a relationship, it's like he is the only one for me. I have zero physical attraction or desire for emotional intimacy outside of him.

Okay, so. And is he telling you right now that this is something that he's ready to pursue?

Not necessarily. That's the other thing. He, he talks about it as like he, he's never been able to fully explore this. You know, he's been in non monogamous relationships and been able to explore sexuality a little bit. But this is the longest monogamous relationship he's been in. He always reassures me. He's so happy with me. And, and it's, he's tried to explain it to me many times about how he, it's not that he's not being, he couldn't be fulfilled monogamous relationship. It's just that this is part of his sexuality that he sees himself wanting to explore at some point, but it's not necessarily representative how great our relationship is. Does that make sense?

Right. Yes, absolutely. You could totally be in a relationship with someone and be in love and have these great connections, but you're still like, I want to go experience other people. I just. It doesn't. And it doesn't. It doesn't take. So in his mind, which is valid, obviously, because it's his thoughts and his feelings. It doesn't take away from his attraction to you. He's like, I just think I'll be. I'll be able to come back to you for emotional support. You'll be my primary partner, as they call in open relationships. Are you asking, like, if it happens in the future, or you're just saying, can this ever work? If it. If he does decide to do that? Yeah.

And. And I. I wonder, you know, I know you've talked a lot about open relationships and the. I mean, I literally just saw on your Instagram today, you know, don't pursue a threesome to save your relationship or something.

It.

Right. Yes. That was speaking to you today.

Immediately, I was like, oh, my God.

This is so funny.

And we're talking today, and so I guess, yeah, my question is, I mean, I love him so much, and I would never want to compromise my mental health or what I want out of a relationship to, you know, satisfy what he wants. But I also respect him so much, and I. And I love him so much, and I want to be the best partner. And I just wonder if. I think people tend to get really closed off to this idea of an open relationship when maybe it's not their. Their nature. And I'm just curious if there's anything that we can even experiment with now that maybe isn't seeking out other partners yet, but can kind of open the door, and we can open the door to talking about it and maybe having experiences like this.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, how would you feel going on a date at night and then coming home later and telling you about it kind of thing, or going to a play party maybe where there's other people around that could be something as well. I don't know how you would. I don't know what. It's kind of. It's. It's. It's challenging. It's risky. Right. Because you don't want him to go out and do something. And then it's. You bring up all these emotions. But if you guys are very. Or jealousy. But if you guys have open communication, you know, I think that you'd be able to handle whatever comes your way. But also, he's not even saying that he wants to do it right now, so you seem like you're very organized. You're a planner. You're kind of into the future already, but right now, he's like, everything's fine. And how old is he? He's 25. Okay. So, yeah, he's. He's in his 20s. And, you know, you guys are both still figuring out your ways. I mean, who knows? You might find that, you know, I know people who are in open relationships actually have an emotional connection with everyone, every one of their partners, and so people can do that. Like, you have a lot of friends that you love that are your best friends or close friends. And I've been in scenarios like that, too, where I'm sleeping with people, like two people, and they care about. I care about both of them. But I wasn't looking for a monotony for a partner. You know, now I'm in a place where I want. I want to be monogamous. But I've been through all the stages in my life just because that's really. I was really honoring who I was at that point. And so I just want to say to you that you're still figuring it out, too, and you're doing so much good work on yourself. I really admire that. And you also said you were sober, too, right?

Yeah, I've been in recovery for a couple of months now.

Congratulations for that, too. I just think that it's so great in your 20s to be going through this kind of work. So you've done all the. You've done a lot of really hard work on yourself. And. And you might also know that it's. I'm not saying that you're going to be open one day. I'm just saying that you really want to honor this process right now. And maybe something I would say is I wouldn't give you a tutorial about how to practice open. But what I say is, how much more could you guys work on your intimacy? Could you deepen that connection? And, you know, you see, you said that he wants to explore his sexuality. Do you know what that means and what that looks like for him? Is it just simply about another person, or is it about places he wants to go sexually?

Yeah, I think it's truly just, you know, the way that he's able to separate physical desire and just being physically intimate with somebody. So I think, you know, in a perfect world, he would be able to be with, you know, he would be with me, and we would be comfortable with it, and we would come to a mutual agreement. He would never do anything without, you know, talking to me.

Right.

But he would be able to, you know, have sexual relationships with other people. Not emotional relationships. He's that clear.

But it's also hard too. You have to know that sometimes emotional relationships happen when you don't exactly. You develop. And that's. Those are the stronger relationships. You know, in my experience, people who are having meaningful relationships, unless he just wants to go off and like every night, like once a week see someone he doesn't know. You know, couples set these boundaries. Like it could be like you're not. I know couples who say I, they, they're restricted from seeing someone twice. You can only see someone once. You can only. So that might be some of the stuff that you guys might want to talk about. But I don't think you're there yet. So how could you guys deepen your intimacy right now? Is there other things sexually you want to try? Have you checked out our yes, no maybe list or our pleasure planner that we have at our site? Like there's different tools we have because it's a good, like it's like it's not broken right now, right?

Absolutely.

And you're trying to fix something. It sounds like you might be trying to fix something that isn't even broken.

You know what you sound Right, right.

It seems like it's great. So if I were you, where you're coming from, it's all good. Like, how's your sex life? You said it's great. But is there anything else you want? Anything you haven't tried yet? I mean, you're 20. I'm assuming you got a whole life out of you. Of things? Absolutely.

I mean, I'm always open to trying new things. I mean, I will say I struggle with anxiety, so. And I've always, you know, I think I realized that I was definitely on the demisexual spectrum when I thought back on my sexual relationships. I've only been with two people and I've only. And they've been long term relationships. Now I do get a lot of anxiety surrounding sexual intimacy in the beginning. Now I'm extremely, I mean, we've been together for years. We're very comfortable, so we'll try a lot. I mean, literally just a year ago I started squirting for the first time, which I know I was like, had no, like no idea that I could even do that. He did not know I could do that. And it was amazing. It was great. I mean, and now it happens like every single time. So we're definitely experimenting more. But I would say that right now, I mean, that's the other thing too, is we definitely have mismatched sex drives where I feel like I'm asking for it more than he wants it, which is also very confusing to me because he also has this side of his sexuality where I think he craves the newness of sponsorship, spontaneity of physical intimacy. And yet when I try and, you know, implement that into our sex life, I feel as. I feel like a little bit of.

Difficulty with him separating, like, outside stressors. So it's. It's confusing to me because he wants to explore that. And yet, you know, I feel like I'm doing everything I can.

Right, right, right. So. So is it confusing to you because you have the higher sex drive than he does and you're like, why? Why? Because we're always told that men have higher sex drives, which isn't true. Yeah, I mean, that was one of the first things I learned when I started studying sexuality was that I thought that women are frigid and men want sex all the time. But I've heard from just as many women who have a higher sex drive than their partner. In fact, I might even lately been hearing more so from women who are like, what's wrong in heterosexual relationships? Why is my partner wanting sex? So it has nothing to do with you. Is he stressed and anxious right now or is he going? Is anything?

Yeah, I mean, he's got a lot going on. There's some big life changes coming up. Just, you know, he's going to move away from a job that he's been working at for a while, and his job already is pretty stressful. So. And I. And I recognize that. I guess for me, I see sex as, like a stress reliever. And I just, I love that intimate, you know, emotional connection. And, like, I get so excited sometimes. Like, I swear I even ask for it. Like, I, you know, I have no shame in asking for sex when I want it, but I'll even do that just because I'm like, not that I'm necessarily super in the mood, but I know that it's super fun and I really want to, you know, have a good time. Whereas I think he sees it way more as he has to be in the mood instead of maybe trying to get good with me.

Okay, well, I wonder if you said, you know, you, you actually, it sounds like you have studied this, because it is true that what keeps it hot and interesting a lot of times is the spontaneity and the novelty. Is there anything you guys, you could. Guys could start to play with right? Now that's kind of outside the bedroom or surprise him with things or does he not. Would he not be into that?

No, I think he would definitely be into that.

I.

He's always open to trying new things.

Well. Well, I mean, maybe there's some of that too, because this is what I want for you. I want you to continue to grow in this relationship with him as well. Your sexuality, what you want. Like if you haven't downloaded our yes, no, maybe list, you know, taking it outside the bedroom and you're having sex in the living room, or you plan something new, or you wear something that makes you feel sexy and you just to kind of figure out, you know, how you guys can continue to grow. Because in all relationships, the sex life is gonna ebb and flow and there'll be times you sex more than others. And, you know, after the pandemic, a lot of couples who are living together are like, oh, my God, we're need space. So we're all in a very interesting time right now, but the world is opening up and there might be, you know, more space for you guys to have fun and to explore. And I would just continue to make sure that. That with your mind planning to the future, when you find yourself future tripping, maybe you could bring yourself back to. Okay, I know that I'm worried about the future, but what can I do right now to enhance this relationship for both of us? And actually, I also want to say that it doesn't. It's not just up to you, it's also up to him. So I want to make sure that you are definitely getting your needs met and you're paying attention to what you want. Because sometimes we do focus on other things so we don't have to think about our needs.

That's awesome. I mean, I. I never thought about it that way, so I really appreciate it.

Thank you, Ali. I appreciate you. I hope that's helpful, but keep me posted because we're going to be doing more of these call shows and I'd love to follow you along with your journey with him, but you're doing great work and I'm really proud of you for. For your sobriety and for your recovery. Yeah. And for calling in and keep doing your work.

Thank you.

Of course. Next we have Angie and Lenny. They both got out of toxic relationships and want to know if it's okay that they're already dating. Hi, Angie and Lenny.

Hi.

Hi.

This is crazy.

Oh, my God. I know. Hi.

We are.

We started off as co workers.

Okay.

And we've Been basically, like, best friends.

The whole time and for, like, three years.

Three years, yeah.

And we're kind of, I think, more than that now. But I was in a really bad. Not really bad relationship, but like, a very confining relationship, I guess, for a very long time. For, like, basically the whole time since he started here.

Yeah.

And we both, like, just ended up knowing everything about each other's everything, like, about all that stuff. And it got to the point where I was talking to him more about, like, my personal needs and issues, and I almost felt like I was maybe emotionally cheating, I guess is what I've come to find out now.

I feel like that's the first time we've actually used those words to describe it, I guess.

But basically, yeah, we've been harboring some stuff, I think, for a very long time. And I think it's finally, like, we both got out of these relationships, and now we kind of just jumped at it.

Yeah.

And I think we're in a situation now where it's like, we know so much about each other and, like, we've talked about literally everything. Where I feel like our relationship right now is framed in the context of what we know about our prior relationships because it's so open.

Yeah. So it's like, how do we let go of that to move on? And maybe again, we were saying maybe this is more of a me thing because I'm in therapy. We both do therapy.

We're both talk about everything.

And really, this right now is probably the best most openly communicative relationship I've ever had. It also freaks me out because I just got out of a long relationship relationship, and all I hear from, you know, my therapist, take some time, take a couple months, and. And that's always in the back of my head. But at the same time, it almost just feels like timing is right.

Yeah.

It's kind of on our side.

So it sounds like you're like, okay, well, now we got rid of those exes, and now we're out of those horrible situations, and you're like, okay, here we are. And now where do we, like, start? Like, how do we sort of not live in that past, and what kind of relationship do we want going forward?

Right.

And I think also it's been really easy for us, I think, in a lot of ways, like, sexually, because we've, like, talked about stuff, like, in a very kind of clinical manner before, about everything that we want and need. So I feel like that's kind of fit right in really well.

That's really Easy. I think it's more like. I don't know, there's, like, a confidence aspect that, like, I feel like we need to, like, build each other back up and that we're thinking about each other in terms of, like, the way that we were behaving in our previous relationships that are not, I guess, like, necessarily accurate, but it's causing, like, maybe some insecurities, I guess, in our current situation.

Can you give me some. Some examples?

Okay. So for me, I think a big one. And, you know, he knows all about my insecurities, but in my past relationship, he was very not open and really didn't want to get intimate really, at the end, very much at all. And it really made me, you know, insecure. How could it not? And I started listening to your show kind of. Of that triggered that. I was, like, looking for answers. And so I was listening to everything, like, listening to all your episodes and trying to take all this advice. And, you know, I love the turf. Time talk.

Timing, turf and tone.

I'm turf.

Yeah.

That's when you're supposed to.

Three T's of communication.

I know.

Whatever.

You got it, you got it slowly but surely.

So I tried that with my previous relationship, and just nothing seemed to stick. And it was like, I felt like I really wanted, I guess, some kind of validation from him. But then I realized, and I knew deep down he just wasn't my person. And, like, you knew that, but he was so supportive anyway. And now I guess that's something that I'm insecure about is, like, in the beginning, things can seem all great and good, but I'm like, what is it about me? Like, what am I going to do.

To, like, what's gonna happen that she's gonna do wrong? Yeah, exactly.

Well, I think it is important to still continue. You said you're in therapy, and I think that is important. But. So it sounds like you're kind of living in the past right now, worrying about the past or what could happen. But what do you guys want right now? Like, what do you can. Now you can spend time together. Like, if you had to have a timing, turf and tone conversation, like, what would you say right now?

There's some uncertainty right now about, like, where I'm going to land next. But in the meantime, it's. It's. It's one of those things where we're just. I want to make sure that we both give each other enough time to kind of recover before we decide, like, okay, this is, you know, we are really signing on to this this is exactly where we need to be, and we're going to sort of build a life together, you know, whatever.

I'm super guarded, I think, because of that, and I think that.

And I think I'm. I think I'm a little bit more gung ho, and she is at this point about it.

So are you worried, Angie, because you think he's going to go into a new office? Maybe he'll meet someone else there?

Not even that.

I'm just.

Okay.

Because he's supposed to be allegedly leaving the country to do maybe depends. And so I'm just kind of like. It's just so tricky. I've never been in the situation. I've never had a male best friend like this before, and I've always kind of been in the school of thought where I'm like, can it really be platonic?

I don't know.

But this is just different. I've never had a best friend like this, really, at all. So.

Okay, so do you guys want. Have you guys talked about things that you want? Like, have you talked about what you're looking for, what your values are? What's important to you?

I feel like we have a lot in common about, like, the values thing. Yeah.

Neither of us want.

Okay.

Neither of us really are.

That's huge.

Married.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Those are, like, the huge. Like, I'm not crazy about marriage. You're not really either.

What about sex? How's your sex life? How's your intimacy? I think it's pretty great.

It's pretty good.

Okay.

Yeah, Definitely.

Still learning about each other, but.

Okay.

And we're able to talk so openly about it. And I'm not used to being that comfortable with somebody.

And thanks to your podcast, I feel like we go on these. Like, we have to go on these sales trips and stuff, and we listen to your podcast, but, like, mostly we're just talking over you because we get onto our own conversations about whatever you're talking about.

I love that I can be the lubricant that way that sells your lubricant for your conversations. So it sounds like things are good. I mean, you have the same values. You both don't want kids. Your sex life is great. So. And you have healthy communication.

I know.

What's the purpose of a relationship for both of you? If I have to ask you, like, what is the purpose of being in a relationship?

Wife, partner?

What do you want that one Partner? You know?

Yeah, I was going to say the word partner. Just, okay.

I want somebody to build a life with. I Want to set ribs to dig my elbow into?

Okay. And what about you, Angie?

Yeah, like, I just think, I think a partnership and building a life together, building each other. He's like my number one support system when it comes to like everything career wise and just, I know it's, it's like annoying.

Okay.

Feel like you're everything that I'm supposed to. I'm like trying to fight it.

So you want to know, like, how do you, how do you know this is the right thing? And I got to say that you don't. You never really know, right? There's never, no one's gonna say like this is right. I'm not gonna say you guys seem perfect, but I think it means that you gotta continue doing the work and you gotta continue talking about things and checking in. You know, I love the idea of couples having like a relationship contract. And maybe it's month to month. You're like, how do we wanna feel in a month from now? In a month from now? We wanna make sure that these things are happening. Like what are your relationship goals? What are your dreams? How do you see each other fitting into those, meeting those goals and those dreams that you have for yourself together and in the relationship. So maybe if you have check ins and a place that's like once a month. You know, we have like that pleasure planner that we have on our site. I don't know if you download. It's like a free downloadable. And couples can download that. And it's not just about sex, but it's about like what are the things that we could do together to support our intimate relationship and moving forward. And maybe it's like a check in point because it's so new and exciting and you're both, I get that you're both afraid and that all makes sense. In fact, I love that you're both talking about how nervous you are about it. But that is the past. It sounds like you're learning your lessons. I mean, sometimes we repeat things. You'd ever just, you're never just done with lessons and maybe you need something new to like set this new. Like is there anything that you guys have together that you're working on that's outside of work? Is there anything that you guys, I mean, do you live near each other? Do you have activities you do together?

Well, that's kind of what I was saying too is like you wanted to go somewhere. I'm like, I don't want to be somewhere where he had just recently been with his ex. I'm like, we need to do something.

We need to just need to do.

Something that's new to both of us rather than.

Well, that makes sense. Create your new normals because your life has been in the same town. And so I think the most important thing is to say, like, if you have free time, how. How is your free time spent? What's the ideal vacation for you? What's the importance of family or friends or how maybe make some plans, you know, I'm telling you, couples, when they plan things together, it's such a fun thing. You something to look forward to. There's an adrenaline. You see how you travel together. I guess you guys travel together for work. Yeah, but I mean, it wouldn't be a bad idea at this stage. You've done each other for three years. Like, you both have therapists. I like the idea of maybe going to see a therapist together and talking about these things because you're just in it. You're almost in the honeymoon phase right now. In a way. It's exciting.

Yeah.

The best you could do is focus on the present and maybe even recap the days. Like, how was today? Did you get your needs met? We have this blog on it on our site about like relationship check ins. What did I do great this month? What could I improve on? Like, what did you love about this week? Did you feel like your love languages were met or your needs were met and you could get like a template together that you just keep meeting? Maybe it seems like you guys love talking. Could be once a month, it could be once every two weeks. And just make sure that you're saying all the things that need to be said.

Yeah.

Here's my fears. Here's what I'm excited about.

It's good advice.

It is.

Okay, keep me posted. You guys can call in again.

Yeah.

I'm sending you lots of love.

Yeah.

Love you.

Love you. Love you guys. Thanks.

Good luck.

We have Victoria, 22, and she's wondering how do you let someone go without ghosting them? And also how can she guide her partner when he's going down on her? Hey, Victoria.

Oh, my God.

Hi.

Good. Yeah.

Thank you for taking the time to help me out.

I got you. What's going on?

I was dating this guy for like, briefly and he seemed like normal. We talked for like maybe like a week and a half before we met. And then we went on a date and I just, as soon as he pulled up, like, like his pictures were a little dated and I was like, okay, like, let's see. You know, it's not Looks isn't everything. But the personality wasn't there for me either.

Very braggy about his job, and, like, not in, like, a humble way. And it was just very obnoxious. And I didn't even really get a talk. But in the middle of the date, he was like, I'm having a really great time. And I was like. I didn't know what to say because I was like. I really wasn't. Like, I was enjoying, like, kind of talking to him, but I was like. I was like, yeah, me too. Like, it's nice to, like. Yeah, but he, like, yeah, and he wanted to. Like, he was like, we need. We need to do this again. Like, right then and there. And usually it's like I said, okay, because I was so thrown off that, like, I don't know, you usually go on a date and then, like, kind of, like, figure it out.

I don't know.

Like, I didn't want to be, like, right then and there. Like, no.

Like, we didn't even get the check.

So lock you down. Okay, well, that's what it.

It's kind of turned to be that way. And that's kind of why I really just put it to end. So the second day, I was like, you know what? Like, Victoria, like, give another chance. Like, don't want to, like, completely. It's not like that terror. Like, it wasn't like, that terrible. Like, I enjoyed his company. But then the second time we met, he was like, I'm living at home. And I was like, no problem. Same like, you know. Yeah, we were both living, like, elsewhere. So I'm like, I totally get it. Like, I'm not going to judge. So he was like, well, my parents aren't going to be home. And, like, it was like, during the workday. So he was, like, still working, but.

I was like, okay.

Like, we could do lunch. And I was kind of, like, going to be like, tell him in person. Like, and then his parents were home. And then I met the parents.

Awkward and like.

Like, completely awkward. Like, he. He made it seem like they weren't going to be home. And I was like, okay. Like, that's because I did say, like, I was a little too soon to meet the parents. Like, oh, well, like, I tried to make a joke of it because I was petrified that that was going to happen. So they ended up eating with us, and, like, we watched an episode of TV together. Like, it was just terrible. I needed to get out of there. So this is the date.

I'm all for a second date. It's the first date. You're on the fence. But. But, yeah. Okay, so you.

And that's exactly how I felt. And then it just felt like he was trying to trap me again. We were watching the show, and then his parents, like, left, and I went to go to use the bathroom, and then he turned off the TV in the living room and, like, moved over to his bedroom, which I didn't love. So I was like, I'm actually gonna go, like. So thankfully, I left. But he was just, like. Even during the date, like, he was kind of. It's very awkward and very uncomfortable.

So let's not date this guy. So what's the question? How can I help you?

I feel like I'm always put in these situations where, like, I don't know what to say. Like, in the.

Oh. In the moment when somebody wants to. Yeah.

Like, when he.

So what do you do when someone says, this is a great date, and you're like, I think you just. Yeah, it's fun. I mean, we're all. We've all been there, where I'll be like, oh, yeah, it's. It's. It's fun. Yeah, you're awesome. But you just kind of make it casual. You just. You don't have. You don't owe anyone anything. But right now, is he still following up with you? You?

I.

And I hate. I hate to ghost. I really do, but I was having a hard time, like, wording it.

Well, I can help you. Just say, I thank you so much for the time we spent. I don't feel a romantic connection with you and leave it at that. Do it. That's. I mean, honestly, I think that that is the best way to do it. It's much better than ghosting. And listen, a lot of us are pleasers. We don't want to offend anybody. But if you don't want to be with this guy and you already know, you know, like, even from the first minute, you knew. But we've all. This is a practice, okay? It's all a practice. I think we've all. It's a lot easier for us to say yes than it is to say no. And we don't want to hurt people. But you have nothing. Like, you. You don't owe him anything. You just went on two dates with him. And I think you might feel good saying, you know what? I really liked our time. I really liked meeting you. I don't feel like a romantic connection. I don't feel, like. What. However you would say it, that's how.

I Wanted to say it. That's actually how I wanted to say. But I was like, is that me?

No, Victoria, that's honest and that's real. And that's so much better than ghosting. And I'm Gl. You're asking this question because what a great lesson for everyone listening. Like, it's not that hard to not ghost. You just say, so nice to meet you. Wish you best of luck. But I don't feel that kind of connection with you. I don't feel that kind of air quotes, that kind or romantic. Thanks. And sure, he might be, oh, well, fuck you. Whatever. Like, block, delete. But people. If more people were honest and more people could kind of just say these things openly, then we'd be in a much better place. But, yes, he might get defensive. I don't know this guy. But you can't argue with that. You're being honest. You didn't. You didn't get married. You didn't promise him anything. It was two dates that were both pretty awkward.

Yeah, I'm glad you said that because I really wanted to be cut and dry like that. And I always, like, tell people, Tell me, like, up front if it's not it.

But then, like, when it comes down.

To it, I'm like, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Like, he seems like a genuine guy, but then also, he's like. It feels like he's trying to, like.

Just be honest, get me to, like, no, you don't owe anything. Now, what about your question you had about oral sex?

Okay, that one. It just, like, basically, again, like, I don't know how to, like, guide people when it's.

Well, this is interesting. See, the questions are very similar in a way, if you think about it, like, how do I let this person know that I'm not interested in them? How do I let this person know to do something different orally? And it's, I, I'd love you to start right now practicing with everyone. Even if it's like with your parents right now telling them, and people don't like boundaries, people might react like, maybe you grew up in a home where it wasn't okay to express your needs. No one ever asked what you want. They're like, we're always going along with the family plan. That's how I grew up. It was like, no one asked me what I wanted or what I care. It was, like, about my. What they wanted or my whatever. We just. We learn these things by doing. We learn by practicing. So where else are you not getting Your needs met and where can you be? Because you're your own best advocate. So in those situations with oral sex, even though the guy moved away, but let's use that as an example, you'd say to him outside the bedroom, or, you know, even in the moment, if it was hurting, you could say, hey, could you just slow down? Or maybe we could take a break for a minute. I mean, people just aren't used to getting feedback about sex at all. So I think that maybe there could. I think there is a fear as women maybe if you're with a man, that they could react or get defensive or get weird. But I think that most good people want to just be good lovers. And they're like, okay, thanks for telling me, but you won't know unless you try. And you coming with integrity and you're being honest. So anyway, in that situation, if it's in the moment and you're in pain, like, you know, I always say, say talk about sex outside the bedroom. Timing, turf and tone.

Yeah.

If you're in pain, which it says here you were a little bit painful, you could say, oh, you know what? Can we just maybe go a little bit lighter?

Yeah.

Can you go a little bit slower with your mouth? Maybe could you move your tongue to the left or the right? You know, just give them feedback. But if it's not in the bedroom, then outside of it, you could say, hey, you know, and I just gave you any tips for the blow job, you know, because let me give you something, you know, just make it fun. I'm telling you, people your age and even my age, all ages are not that comfortable with this yet. But my mission is to get us all expecting it. Like, I love making out with you. It's so hot. And I'm hoping that when we kiss, sometimes you kind of. I feel like it's a little bit more rough. And I'd love it if we could kind of slow down. Maybe I could show you the way I like to be kissed, and you can show me the way you like to be kissed. So you, like, end it with. You start with something that you like, and then you offer a suggestion, and then you close it out with another compliment. But I think just getting comfortable and practicing, even with this guy, you're not into practice just saying, no, I'm not into it. And then sexually, really, it's be kind. It's not apologizing and saying, I'm sorry. It's just saying, like, this is what feels good to me. I'm dying to know what Feels good to you. Let's talk about what happened last night. Let's talk about our sex life.

Well, part of it is on me. I do notice that I'm not always wet during sexual intercourse. And that's always, like, a topic too, because, like, I'm not afraid to bring things into the bedroom. I've dealt with partners that, like, have an insecurity with it, and that's why I'm not talking to them anymore. But bringing, like. Like, when's the time to do that? You know?

Always lube. Always lube. Lube on every nightstand. So do you. So are you on any medications or birth control pills?

I have a hormonal iud.

Okay. Because that could also impact your wetness level. But, you know, it changes throughout the month.

Yeah. Throughout the weeks.

And our wetness, if we could be wet and not turned on and turned on and not wet and all those things. So. Hmm. I wonder. I mean, that I bring it everywhere I bring it. I literally will not have any sex, any activity, nothing. Hand job, blow job, oral, anything without lube.

Yeah.

You have to understand that you're a pioneer in the way of, like, your age group in your 20s. People my age don't even know what to do. Like, they're like, they ask me the same questions, how do I bring lube? But I think the more that I people everyone listening to this show right now and there's something you want to try, the more people that start showing up with lube and showing up with what they want sexually, then people are going to start to expect it. But I need all of you, all my listeners, to be the change. Like, be that person. Like, so what if. Listen, if this guy says you're using lube, be like, yeah, you don't. I mean, honestly, they're not your person if they don't have a growth mindset around sex. And most people don't know this stuff. So the fact that you're even listening to this show, that you're even feel safe to call in and talk about it, is such a. It's such a help for you, I hope, and for everybody listening.

So thank you. It is. And I just gotta bring it one day.

Just bring it. Thank you for calling in. We'll be doing these more often, so thank you.

I appreciate it.

Love you.

And I opened my mind sexually, so thank you very much.

I'm so glad. Thank you for calling in. I appreciate you.

Have a good one.

Thanks.

You too.

After the break, I talked to Elisa, who can only orgasm when she's thinking about her ex. All this and more after a quick word from our sponsors.

Next call, we have Elisa, 23. She hasn't been able to orgasm with anyone but her ex. And what works now is fantasizing about him. Hey, Elisa.

Hi.

What's going on? Tell me everything.

So I was in an abusive relationship for a few years. It was on and off. And when I finally got out of that, I started, you know, like, try to move on, date other people. But I noticed that, like, I don't know if it's just me because I've never had this issue before, this toxic relationship, but. But I can't orgasm with anyone other than my ex. Like, I just can't let myself mentally get there. And so I guess my question is, like, how can I stop my past from effect affecting my future partnership?

Well, it's a really good question. When did you end it with this toxic partner?

We've been broken up for about a year now.

How long were you with that partner?

On and off for four years.

Okay.

Yeah, that's a long time. And you're. You're 23, so that's a significant relationship. Have you done work? Have you been in therapy?

Yes, I have. I went through about a year worth of therapy to try to get over that. And this new partner I'm with now, we've had this conversation about my ex. And he told me that he would be okay with dating me. The only thing stopping him is he just doesn't want that drama. He doesn't want that baggage. He's scared that the ex will show up or message him or just cause drama.

I mean, you can't avoid. I think you just to work on strengthening this current relationship. So the thing about the orgasm is, I mean, I. I know you'll be able to orgasm. This guy did not ruin you forever.

You're.

There's nothing wrong with your body or your vagina, your vulva. Like you. You will have orgasms again. See, you have to remember you were with someone for four years, so he got to know your body and you felt comfortable and you felt safe enough, I guess. I mean, I know it was toxic, but you, you know, you were in a relationship together. These things take time. I. You don't just like, get into a relationship and start orgasming every time. You really don't. So I would go easy on yourself. And how long have you been with this new partner?

About four months.

Okay, that's still really new. And are you able to talk to him about your needs and sexually and what Turns you on.

I haven't been able to get myself there with him.

Okay. Yeah.

I think I just like a lot of sexual insecurity because, like, with my ex, I was never in my head. I didn't have to think about. About what feels good. Do I look good? Is he enjoying this? I really just. I wasn't in my head. But with this new guy, like, it's terrifying. I'm in my head. I don't wanna say anything to freak him out.

Oh, okay. But it's interesting that this ex was toxic and you were able to let go sexually.

Exactly. Yeah. Like, I think we were just so comfortable with each other and then the toxicity and the abuse just got so comfortable for me.

Right, right. I mean, can you kind of channel back to yourself when you were so you met him when you were maybe or night 17? So it's like you're still that same person, but now you're like a more mature woman who's had experience. And I feel like, listen, women are more likely. These have been studies on this that women are more likely to orgasm with a partner when they feel safe and they feel trusted and they feel like they can be themselves. So maybe you're just not there yet. Now also, I just want to make sure that you're continuing to go to your therapy and working out whatever this was because we don't want any patterns to. To get set. So you can kind of release some of the trauma you've been through. Maybe do some really good trauma therapy. You can do some mindfulness practices as well. You know, we talk. I talk about, like a lot about mindful masturbation, really breathing and going back to the moment when you're with someone and thinking about like the five senses. What is happening in the moment? And are you still masturbating and pleasing yourself?

I am. I do it frequently. But the interesting thing about that is the only way I can orgasm through masturbation is my ex. He cheated on me quite a bit. So the only way I can actually get myself to orgasm through masturbation is by imagining him being with other people.

Okay, Lisa, I think this might be some trauma work then, because I don't want this to be become your go to emotions and feelings around your partner. So I love EMDR therapy, eye movement desensitization, reprocessing, just so you can kind of get some. Some of these fantasies out of your head about the ex. So I think that there's nothing wrong with your orgasm. I would love you to like, find other things like Maybe there's some great porn like Bellesa does, this great site that does, like, ethical porn. Maybe you could find some ways to get other things in your head that might be fantasies, like work on cultivating a rich fantasy life with yourself so we can kind of replace some of them, the negative, the fantasies that are relating to the ex during masturbation. You could say, I'm not going to think that. I'm going to try to, like, plant this space so I'm thinking about something else. And then maybe you could watch some porn with this guy or. Or talk about do the yes, no, maybe list. That's a really great resource on our site that you could download together and you could talk about what you're into. So maybe keep it a little bit lighter. Just be like, yeah, I'm into spanking. I'm into this. I'm into dirty talk. I'm into cuddling. It's a great resource on our site. So, like, I'm just trying to think of how to get you out of your head and into creating something new with this current partner. Do something different. Like, if we want something different to happen, we have to do things differently. So how can you show up differently in this relationship?

Yeah, I love that. I think doing that yes, no, maybe list, it's something that I've heard you talk about before that I've been really meaning to get done. And that's like, also a really easy, like, kind of cute and flirty. I.

It's a fun, flirty thing. Yeah. And then you'll be out of your head. And then maybe he'll be your new excitement. You'll be like, oh, my God, we're doing this. He's gonna, you know, give me a massage or we're gonna take a bath together. And then you'll get excited. And then you just. I think you. Your. Your earliest conditioning around sex has been with this guy. So, of course, you have nothing new to fantasize about. Let's go out there and create some new fantasies for you with a new partner, whether he's Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, I think that in every relationship, we get to create the reality and the experiences that we want and we learn from every relationship on our life. So I don't know if he's gonna be. How long he'll be around, but you might as well get. Get what you need right now. And you need some new fantasies, new material to get your needs met and take it. Take your sexuality and your sexual pleasure into your own hands.

Exactly. And I feel like, that's where a lot of my sexual insecurity comes from too, is just like so much of my sexual experience was based around one person and the actions that he did to me. And I think I used sex as a way to.

That makes so much sense. That's so insightful, Lisa. Absolutely, it is. Where else would it come from? Right? I mean, maybe you had someone else in high school, but really four years in these very formative years. So I, you know, I wish I could, like, change everyone, realize that everyone thinks that they're so behind. Like I, I, you know, at your age, like, oh, I haven't had enough experience. But you're not supposed to have, like, it's, you're doing it as you need to do it. You got out of an unhealthy place. I'm so happy for you. And now if we can flip this, Elise, and say, this is exciting. I get to, I get to create my new sexual destiny. I get to see who I am and what I'm into. And I'm gonna. With this guy right now. We're gonna do this together and I'm gonna get something out or not. He does. Like, I don't like. The more we start to get a little selfish with our desires and what we want, you're going to see that not only will you get your needs met, but I believe that the right partners are going to want to please you and want to respect you and they're going to love that you're able to ask for what you want and know what you want.

Exactly. And I think that's like a huge confidence booster too. Like, I think a lot of my issues here are just like self confidence related due to going through that experience.

Oh, yeah, we've all got that right. It's a life that's, that's a lifelong journey. But I think confidence comes from experience.

And, you know, and then more experience you have. You'll like, oh, I got this. I know how to orgasm. I know what I want. So. So go have some experiences with him. That's going to help build your confidence.

Well, I love that.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Of course.

I really love the show and I really just wanted to get like a professional insight on this.

Okay. Okay. Well, I hope that's helpful. Keep me posted. We'll be doing more of these, so reach out and let me know how it's going. I'd love to follow your journey. Great.

Thank you so much, Emily.

Bye, Lisa.

Have a good day. Thanks.

Bye.

We have Matt. He's 30. He's been ghosted twice. Wants to know, how do I win her over? Hey, Matt.

Hi, Emily. I have something a bit more nebulous for you today.

All right, I'm in.

There's a bit of a story here. I will try to tell it as concisely and clearly as I can. So back in May, I met a young woman on the dating apps who's a public figure, so I'm just going to refer to her as Jay. And she and I took to each other very quickly. Lots of banter, flirty, sometimes erotically charged texts, and then we exchanged numbers. After we started texting with our personal numbers, things kind of lost momentum through nobody's fault, really. And she texts me one day, I'm letting you go. I've met somebody else, and I'm kind of limiting my attentions because I'm so busy, but I didn't believe in ghosting, so I just wanted to let you know. I thought about that for a little and said, I appreciate it. I'm a little disappointed, but I understand. I'm not surprised you met someone else. But do me a favor, and you're not obligated to do this, Please keep my number. Because I know timing and circumstance determine a whole lot when it comes to dating, and she said she would, and I thought that was really big of her. So two or three weeks go by, and she texts me out of the blue and says, hey, can I buy you a drink this Friday? And I said, sure, I'd like that a lot. And we resume texting daily. And it was like nothing had stopped from the time that we stopped talking to the time that we resumed. And then Friday rolls around, and we meet at a outdoor restaurant and we talk for about three hours. But the whole time that we're together, Emily, like, there's a lot of. Of chemistry. There's a lot of, like, mirrored body language, and there's a lot of, like, tension. And at some point, it's suggested that we go back to her place, which is only five minutes away from where the restaurant is, and we do. And from the moment I walk through the door, we, like, couldn't keep our hands off each other. And not like we went straight into the act of penetrative sex. There was a lot of foreplay. There was a lot of kissing. There was a lot of touching, a lot of skin to skin in all of the things that you talk about that make up, like, the bulk of a satisfying and really, really fun sexual experience. And the whole time that we're Together, we're talking, like, we're complimenting each other, we're saying really nice things, and we're talking about how much we're enjoying our time together. And at the end of the night, she says, I would ask you to stay, but I have things I need to do tomorrow. She, like, never has a day off. And she. She said, if you stay, I know I'm not gonna get the quality of rest I. I need. And I said, that's fine. You don't have to justify it. And as I'm getting ready to go, as I'm dressing, and as she's dressing, she turns to me and says, oh, by the way, you kind of came on a little strong earlier. And I stopped, and I looked at her and I said, what do you mean? And she said, well, I think you think you know me a lot better than you actually know me, because I'm a public figure and you've read stuff about me, me, and you don't really know me. And I said, well, I. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression, but I don't think that. I truly don't think that I am inside your head or know you better than you know you. And I said, there are just times when you meet people out in public or in a social context. If you're single and if you're dating, sometimes you'll just go out into the world and meet people whose love map or erotic blueprint, depending on what you prefer to call it and who you read, match up with yours. And your brain is just like, yes, that person. Go talk to that person. Pursue that person. And that's how I felt around Jay. And she said she understood. And then she walked me out and kissed me goodbye and said, text me when you get home. I get home. I said I would. And then I went in my car and sat in the driver's seat for, like, five minutes and thought to myself, what? Just. What just happened? And then the next day, she didn't text me very much. And then I tried to pull something out of her and said, how did it go at work today? Didn't text me for the rest of Saturday. And then Sunday morning, she said it went fine. Sorry, I was kind of freaked out. You came on pretty strong the other day. And I said, well, I've been thinking about that. Can you tell me a little bit more about that? And she said. She said, well, like I said, you came on really strong, and you barely know me. And I said, well, you're not wrong. You're Right. And I think if our roles were reversed, I would feel uncomfortable or a little hesitant about somebody I just met saying so many, like, nice and complimentary things about me. Because I know in the dating world, I've read too much and have too many friends who are women to know that dating as a single woman can be really, really hard. Because a lot of guys put up a very nice front initial, and then when they get what they want from you, they rip the rug out from underneath you and they leave or they start to become distant or, like, aloof or whatever. And I'm not that kind of guy. I've never been that kind of guy.

Right. Okay.

And I said I under. I can understand why you might think that, but I promise, like, my complimentary and empathetic nature comes from a good place. I just felt really connected to you, and I tend to not say what's on my mind. I'm not ignorant, but, like, I trust my feelings.

Yeah.

The last text I sent her. Emily, I'm sorry. The last text I sent her was, what can I do to help you feel or make you feel less freaked out? And I haven't heard anything from her. And that was 10 days ago.

Yeah. I think you move on. I think she's already sort of ghosted you twice. I don't think you try to figure this one out. I think you've already spent a lot of time on this one where it's. I don't know what that means either. You came on too strong. It sounds like it was consensual. She said, come back to my house. She canceled. She started.

She texted me her address. Emily. She, like, I have a digital record of where she lives.

I don't think that you need to spend more time on this than you already have. I think the sooner that you can move on from this, we're all different. We all have personality disorders, to be honest. Everyone's got their thing. Everyone does. I swear to God. It's a spectrum of personality disorders. And good luck out there. We're all going through it. Maybe it's getting worse and weirder now since the pandemic and people don't know how to be socially appropriate or how to communicate anymore. I think that we all have a lot of fear around it, but I actually think, like, I don't want to try to figure out for you. She's already canceled twice. She's been weird. Like, you seem like such a nice guy. I know we've talked before, and it's just like, there's nothing to figure out here, like, you could kind of beat your head against the wall. You're not going to hear back for her if you do. I would. I wouldn't meet up with her again because you're going to have more of this. When people show you who they are, believe them. She just showed you in two dates. I. It doesn't sound like you came on too strong or anything, but, you know, I wasn't there. This is your perspective, but I doubt that's what it was. You had a lovely evening. Maybe she's got some intimacy challenges right now. I think you can't read into it too much. And the sooner we let we move on, the better. The sooner you get back on the app swiping, you'll be better.

I try not to, Emily. But, like, honestly, it's hard as, like, an empath and as a highly sensitive person for me to not fall into thought patterns of, like, almost rumination, because it's like I want to find out that thing. I want to know what happened, what the anxiety was.

You'll never know, though. The thing is, you'll never know. It'll be from her perspective. It's not going to be what you think it's going to be.

It is.

And she kept repeating herself saying, like, oh, you came on too strong. It's like, what does that mean? It doesn't sound like you did. It doesn't sound like she really knows what she wants. And in that moment, maybe it was a fun night for her and she doesn't really need a relationship right now. And it's not about anything you did or anything you said. And usually, like, let's say, even. Even was. It wouldn't be the things that you're going to ruminate about. Usually it's something right out of left field that you didn't even think about. Like, I. Maybe you reminded her something. Maybe she got back together with someone. I don't know what that means, but maybe if you're open having casual sex and she circles back, maybe she's just a sex partner. But I think trying to understand what this all means is going to. You're going to drive yourself insane. I'd rather have you obsess about someone new than trying to figure out someone who's ghosted you twice.

Yeah, I think that'd be a far better use of my time and energy.

Yes. Matt, get this brain, this very smart, big brain you have yourself to focus on, something that's actually going to. Could develop into a relationship.

Thank you, Emily. You're Very kind.

You are too. Matt. We'll be doing this more, so please stay in touch.

Absolutely, Emily. It's my pleasure. And once again, as the child of a sex educator, it means the world to me that you do what you do and that you are making the conversation around sex and sexuality so much more palatable for so many different people.

Thank you, Matt.

Thank you, Emily. Take care.

Bye. You too. Bye.

Bye.

That's it for today's episode. Episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships email email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many great articles diving deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms, how do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly Emails I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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