Hotline Calls: How Do I Initiate Sex After a Dry Spell?

I think if you talk to him on your next date night and say, babe, I think I'm ready. Done. I can't wait. My body, my doctor says I'm good. I think, like, we should do it. Like, what do you think? I mean, let him initiate that. Just let him know that you're ready for business and have him open up so maybe you don't have to put all the pressure on yourself that you have to initiate. And all of a sudden it's going to be a big reveal and he's going to be like, are you sure? Are you ready? Talk to him about it outside the bedroom. May have a special date night. Go away for a night, get a hotel room for a night. Do something like that.

You're listening. Sex with Emily I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. We receive so many wonderful voicemail questions on our hotline, and I'm answering more of them in today's hotline calls episode with my wonderful producer, Erica. Today we're answering your questions on what to do if you can only orgasm in one position, how to initiate sex after a dry spell, how to bottom if you're usually on top, how to and what to do when your partner doesn't seem to care about their sexual pleasure. And remember, if you want to leave a voicemail with your question, please do so. Call my hotline, 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. You can also leave me your questions or Message me@sexwithemily.com askemily. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And you can change your name or choose to remain anonymous. It's all good. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, eight ways to masturbate better in the shower and six essential sex toy hacks are up on sex with emily.com all right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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This is from Marina 27 in New York City.

I am calling because I have somehow gotten into this habit for the past, like probably nine years of orgasming with my legs so super, super straight and tight. I call it torpedo mode. And all of my friends know about it because I'm always complaining about it to them that I can only orgasm in this way of my body being like so clenched and tight. And it's gotten to the point where I have like, problems that I need to see a physical therapist about in my calves because my calves are so, so tight from squeezing my body so hard during sex. It's the same when I masturbate by myself or sex with my partner. When I was young. Like, I mean, in high school and maybe early into college, I could orgasm in other positions, but then I kind of found this position and I just never was able to go back. And I'm trying to teach myself how to orgasm in other ways so that I don't hurt my legs and so that I can just like enjoy an orgasm in different positions and moments. But I keep getting stuck in this position. So I am wondering if you have ideas about that. I know there are different kinds of female orgasms and I feel like this is one of the kinds, but it's maybe not the best kind for me. I'm a huge fan of the show and thanks so much. Okay, bye.

All right, we've gotten this question many times, many times from vulva owners. So, like, picture this. Like, their legs are super straight. And the reason why this works is because you're literally Squeezing everything so tight. So those pelvic floor muscles that we always talk about, the Kegel exercises and the pelvic floor, she's squeezing it all tight, so, so tight. And that's the way that her body is used to orgasm. She's in a pattern of arousal. And this is the way she brings herself to orgasm. And now the fact that she's. You're having. Oh my God, Marina. That she has to like go see a physical therapist. You're really, really holding it tight here. So first off, yes, there are other ways that you can learn to orgasm. Just like everything else that we do, we get set in our ways. We get into habits. We think it's the only way. But you know, by calling. There are some other ways. My recommendation would be to spend some time on your own. This is some great time for solo sex. Just going into your body. I'm suggesting with a sort of a more mindful approach, like my mindful masturbation practice, where you're really just getting curious about all the sensations in your body. And your goal is exploration. Your goal is not orgasm. Because what I want you to do is reacquaint yourself with your body, with your erogenous zones, finding all the areas that feel good to you. But in this way you are testing yourself. And my goal is to start to feel other sensations. So the other exercise is to breathe. So I think what's happening is you're probably tensing and holding your breath. I would love you to start this practice with some really, really deep breaths. Like I'm talking, inhaling for four counts, holding for seven counts, exhaling for eight counts. Okay. All you have to remember is your exhale is longer than your inhale. But it's pretty long to the point where you're like, I can't believe how long I'm inhaling and exhaling. But that's really gonna help you move the energy through your body. And when you do do your inhale, your first inhale, I want you to do a Kegel and just squeeze your pelvic floor muscles. And then I want you to hold it and then release. And you're gonna start to feel that circulation through your body of your sex energy. Because that's where it's all living right now. And I want you to move it from that tense position to a full bodied position. I also want you just to start like touching your vulva, touching your clitoris, using lube, going slow. And again, I think the breathing and the touching in new positions are what's going to help you realize that you can access those muscles and access those orgasms in other positions.

And I have to say, Emily totally put me onto breathwork during sex. And I think it's about your energy. And it also literally affects the blood flow to your genitals. Right?

That's exactly it.

And so sometimes when I find myself struggling to orgasm, I'll literally. Even with a partner, I'll literally be out loud. Like.

It just loosens you up. It makes the orgasm so much looser, and it honestly happens faster, even though that's not the goal. I wonder if she's also struggling with maybe some anxiety about the orgasm, because, as you said, straightening your legs tightens your pelvic floor muscles. But I don't know if. If you need to straighten them so much that you're literally having residual calf pain.

Yeah, exactly. To me, that's where I'm like, oh, physical therapy. Like, I'm glad you called here first. Yeah, I think it probably is some anxiety, maybe. And I also like what you're saying about the breathing during sex, too. And breathing just. I mean, Eric and I breathe before the show. Like, we breathe all the time. We do breath work together. And so I'm telling you, breath work in every area of your life is going to help. But specifically when you're masturbating, when you're having sex with someone. I know, it just slows things down. It helps you get out of your head. It helps smooth blood flow. It all works together. And so, again, I want you to remember that this is training your body to do something different.

I'm pretty similar to Marina, actually. If I want to orgasm without my legs straight, I will still kind of clench my pelvic floor muscles to have that similar effect, even if my legs are more spread open.

Yep, that's a great point. So I think that tensing and relaxing those muscles, your pelvic floor muscles, is a really great way to do it. Here's the thing about Kegel exercises. A lot of them just don't do it correctly. It's gonna take you a long time to do em. So they work so they're consistent. You have to do it five minutes a day correctly for a few weeks, because, honestly, there's not enough that we do in our daily life that strengthens our pelvic floor. And maybe if you do, like, Pilates a lot, but even then, I do Pilates a lot, and it really wasn't impactful.

And I think these are all ways to strengthen your pelvic floor, help you Orgasm in different positions, but there's no best way to orgasm. No, all orgasms are just orgasms. They all feel amazing. You don't need to like you're cheating yourself of the best ones.

Exactly. You're not missing anything. I mean, a lot of orgasms do start with a clitoral orgasm. I also want to know if she's like rubbing your clitoris or if you're just squeezing your muscles because I'm wondering how it would feel just to start to rub your clitoris with some lubed up fingers and like rubbing your labia as well, because you're accessing indirect clitoral nerves. So I just think playing around with that whole area while you're still tensing and relaxing your pelvic floor could really, really help you. The other thing is, you know, internal orgasms too, like getting a vibrator, that's like dual purpose or just, even just an insertion wand might be able to help you squeezing around that instead of your legs. That could also help you have stronger orgasms. It's a practice and you're going to get this. Thanks for your question. We appreciate you so much. Marina Shannon, 46, in Texas.

Hi, I'm Shannon. I am 46 and I'm from Texas and a female. And my question is about how to re engage having sex with your husband when you have not been having sex for about six months due to an extended illness. I had some heart issues and we have not had sex in six full months. And I love him. He's absolutely an incredible husband. We've been married 25 years. He, he's an incredible partner. But now that we haven't had sex, I'm just nervous about what that will mean and I'm worried about what it will mean health wise. I'm worried, just worried and not sure how to re engage in a way that won't make me feel embarrassed and like an idiot. I guess so, yeah, that's my question. Thanks so much. Bye.

Aw, Shannon, thanks for your question and I'm glad you're starting to feel better now and you want to have sex. And I mean, he's your partner of 25 years and I'm wondering if you could bring him into this and let him know that, you know, I'm a little bit nervous about my body. I'm not sure how I'm going to react. And also I hope that resonates with a lot of people listening who think that they have to be the one that comes in and solves the sex life and saves it like, you are both in this together. So I think first letting him know that you're nervous might take away some of the fear that you're having around starting up again. But also remember this, you can just go slow. You don't have to even have sex the first time. Maybe you guys could get a hotel room for a night or go away together. Because we know that vacation sex is always a great jump starter. You know, maybe you could even take some penetration off the table for like a week and just start getting to know each other's bodies again. But I have a feeling it's going to be like riding a bike. And you've been riding this bike for 25 years, and when you get started, it's going to feel great. But I think it's more about your thoughts and your fear around it that might be holding you back from it.

It is like riding a bike. As soon as you get back on it, you know what to do, especially with a partner. Like, you guys know how your bodies move together. I do get the fear of initiation because initiating sex, I feel like, is hard in general, let alone when it's been six months.

Yeah, it's hard. It's hard for me, too sometimes. I gotta say, it's a new muscle. So I think also you can let him know. Like, I think if you talk to him on your next date night and say, babe, I think I'm ready again. I can't wait. My body, my doctor says I'm good. I think, like, we should do it. Like, what do you think? I mean, let him initiate that. Just let him know that you're ready for business and have him open up so maybe you don't have to put all the pressure on yourself that you have to initiate. And all of a sudden, it's going to be a big reveal and he's going to be like, are you sure? Are you ready? Talk to him about it outside the bedroom. May have a special date night. Go away for a night, get a hotel room for a night, do something like that.

Exactly. I love the idea of taking penetration off the table, too. Just getting to know each other's bodies. And I feel like it could almost build that sexual tension, too. It's been so long. And now you're touching each other's bodies and you're waiting to have penetrative sex or what, you know, oral sex. Kind of build that excitement around being sensual together again.

I love it. That's exactly. It's built in anticipation, which is, I think, what we all crave anyway. Eventually we don't have that anymore. So just to say we're not having penetration, we're just going to get to know each other. We'll definitely build arousal and tension. Hot.

And another thing that you've taught me is that whenever there's a. A break, you don't need to like make the sex now exactly how it was before. Like, it's a new beginning.

What a great time to start again. Yeah, I love it. Okay, here's a new beginning, 25 years in. Just think of this as like a needed break from your sex life and now you get to start again. I love that.

Totally.

Let's go, Shannon. You got this.

Thanks, Shannon.

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I guess my question is, my partner is 21, male and we have been dating for almost a year now. And something that I have noticed is our communication is great, our sex is great.

But I find myself wanting to, I guess, kind of share the power a bit more evenly. Whereas right now I feel like I'm the top more often than I would like to be. And I have voiced this before and he does make an effort, but naturally he has more submissive bottom tendencies. I would like to have those same submissive bottom tendencies someday and be taken care of and nurtured versus being a nurtured one and whatnot. We do switch on and off, but yeah, I'm just worried about the chemistry, I guess. Overall, I was just seeing if you might have any tips on how to kind of improve the power dynamic? If you will. Let me know what you think. Congratulations on the book. Have a good one.

I love that you and your partner both listen. Thank you so much for your question. And, you know, first, I want to say that I love that you're bringing this up because I think that in a lot of same sex relationships, especially with men, I guess we're talking about like, you know, switching and being a top and a bottom. I feel that this is another area where men get into patterns and they assume, well, I'm the top and you're the bottom, and that's how it is. And what I've done and what I've learned in my research and from talking to gay friends is that there are a lot of times where a top wants to be a bottom and a bottom wants to be a top. But then there's also some times where there is still some discomfort with penetrating. Like maybe he's on the bottom more because he might not be ready to really penetrate as much. Like that might be something that he doesn't really identify with. He's much more of a receiver, actually. Like a lot of men, they're like, I'm gay, but I'd rather receive, or I'm gay and I'd rather give. But I also think that a lot of things that keep us from progressing in our sex lives, no matter what your body part is, because there might be some shame around it, there might be some early messaging around it, there might be just some shame around either giving or receiving. Or you just set into a. A place where you're telling yourself that's all you can do and you don't want to be in the other position because it doesn't feel good. Or maybe you had a bad experience once. And so my recommendation for you would be to definitely talk about this outside the bedroom next time you guys are hanging out. This might be a good time for the compliment sandwich and just say, I want to talk about our sex life. You start with something that you're really loving about it. Like, I really love our connection and it's so great that we're seeing each other more frequently. And I love how it feels being on top of you. And here's the part where you make a request. I also think I would love to experience a little bit more about being on the bottom. And I know I've brought it up before, but I'm not sure if it's your thing or you'd be into it. Can you let Me know your feelings on that. I think we should talk about it. And then you can really listen to what he has to say. And remember, your tone has to be open and collaborative and curious. But this is where I believe you're going to get more information. He might say, I don't know how. He might say, I don't know if I like it. He might say, I think I'm bad at it. He might say, I didn't really think you wanted it, maybe a bad experience. But usually once you get people to talk and then you sound like you're very open and you'll be able to listen and allow him to be vulnerable, you'll be able to have a little bit more understanding where he's coming from. And then you could get into the power dynamics and say, I still want us to be able to connect in our different energies, but this is just a sex act that also, for me, is part of my arousal. And then you close it with like, I really think that we can continue to take our sex life to even next level if we're both getting aroused in the ways we desire.

And you could start with him penetrating you, maybe not with a penis, but with a finger or a toy, just to get used to being in that power dynamic. And I'm also curious if this is only related to sex or also, he said submissive bottom tendencies. Is that in just the relationship in general? I wonder if their age difference has something to do with it.

Yeah, I think that that's a great point. I think that also you are probably are more dominant because you are a few years older. Maybe you have more experience with men than he does. And so I definitely think what you're going to find is that I understand your hesitancy around it, or maybe you're concerned, but sometimes the sex is divorced of that. Like, it's really just a sex act that feels good. And maybe he'll penetrate you and it'll feel amazing. And then you'll get up and go to lunch or go to dinner and you'll find that it's not like it messes the whole dynamic. And then that day he has to be the dom in this situation. You'll still go back, I believe, to being in the positions that you feel comfortable with when you're out and about. But I think just because you're getting your needs met sexually isn't going to necessarily translate into the entire dynamic in your relationship. Totally shift it.

I'm also remembering advice that Emily gave me in my dating life about balancing masculine and feminine energies. And if I'm too in my masculine, it doesn't leave anyone any room to kind of have that power over me. And so I wonder if you're someone who tends to lean into your top side. Maybe you do need to kind of lean into your bottom side so that your partner has the room to nurture you in the ways that you want to be nurtured.

That's exactly it. You know, we're talking about the masculine and feminine energies that we all have. We all have it and you have it in your relationship. So when we're saying it, you tend to lean more into your masculine day to life. And. And he's probably more in his feminine, but that's exactly it. We have to allow our partner to show up for us in the way we want to. So yes, you have to give him space. You have to give him space to show up and be dominant. So I think this is really healthy. This happens in straight relationships too. We're always going back and forth between masculine and feminine. So I love that you want to play this with your new partner and I love that you both listen to the show and you're welcome to call in together. We're here for you.

Please.

We got you. This is Rob, 43, in Hawaii.

Hi, Emily, I'm Rob, 43 year old male in Honolulu. And I've been married for almost 15 years to a woman of a different culture and nationality. In addition to us having mismatched libidos, our cultural contexts are quite different. In hers, there's an extreme amount of attention paid to taking care of the children. We have only one son and he recently became a teenager and he's doing very well. But she is very fixated on providing for his future. That means providing him with educational opportunities, opportunities for socialization and so on. And very frequently she has nothing left over for the two of us. She does not show a lot of interest in sexual pleasure for herself. And when we are together, she often wants me to just finish as quickly as possible and be done with it. This is hard for me to take because I want the enjoyment for myself, but also because I enjoy seeing her enjoying herself. It's also how I feel more connected to her emotionally. I've listened to your show for a long time and often felt like the advice you give is good, but this wouldn't necessarily work on her and someone of her background. So I'm often not really sure what I should do. And it does not seem like a situation that's going to get better. Naturally as she's about to start working full time. Thank you.

Oh, Rob. I can really hear his frustration with this and his concern. Yeah, I mean, Rob, I mean, it sounds like, you know, 15 years together and you're just feeling like she's really a great mom and she cares a lot. Sounds like her background. Well, I think what he's saying here is that culturally that is the most important thing. The son has the best education, gets into a good school, has a whole life, you know, ahead of him that she probably didn't have herself or her family didn't have herself.

And I think a lot of parents feel this way.

It's really, really common. Maybe she's ratly interested in self pleasure. It sounds like that probably wasn't part of her culture. It wasn't part of a lot of our cultures. And no, I don't think this is going to get better on its own. So I think that first it's really just a matter of like having some conversations with her and letting her know how important it is for you to feel connected to her intimately and that you'd love to find ways that she could have more pleasure. But I also understand, like, her culture is not going to be allowing for this. So maybe you guys could listen to some of the podcasts together. You could get My book, Smart Sex has a whole chapter called Pleasure Thieves, which actually breaks down a lot of the. The shame that keeps people from wanting to have sex and be sexual. A lot of us grew up in places where it wasn't safe and we don't naturally just grow up to become, you know, for that just to fade away. And so there are ways that she could work through it. But I think in this relationship, if you let her know, really in a way that you maybe you haven't before, that it's just really, really important for you that you find a way to connect sexually.

Yeah, I feel like we get this a similar question a lot of, just like my partner doesn't value sex. They I've brought it up and they just say it's not important to them. They're totally fine not having sex. What do you do in that situation?

It's really, really tricky. Erica and I would say this is probably one of the most common different variations of this question we get asked. We get asked the most. And okay, so the one thing is there are just some people who just, just aren't going to ever be interested in sex for whatever reason. It's medications they're taking. They grew up in an environment where it Wasn't safe. They don't feel great in their bodies. The five pillars of sexual intelligence, if we go through those, they're just not very strong. They're not areas of their life that they've worked on. And if you haven't like felt very embodied and you're not, maybe you're on a medication or not really have dealt with a lot of the shame and you don't really know yourself. I mean, think about it. If you think about this as I'm talking about my book Smart Sex, where I talk about sexual intelligence, that there's not one answer. So what you do about it is you really have to first look at all the areas that are keeping you from having great sex. But I understand that if you're somebody who's like, I am shut down. I didn't grow up at a place I could live my whole life without sex.

Right. For a lot of people it's shame and it's also just like disinterest. And I think one message that you really make clear in Smart sex is that sexual health and wellness is part of your overall health and wellness. It's part of a fulfilling, enriched life in general. And I think a lot of people don't realize that they're missing out on this. It's just forgotten.

Exactly. We don't connect the two. That's so it. We don't realize that the not having, not being in our bodies and not exploring our sex lives and being interested in sex is having an impact on our overall wellness. It can cause depression, loss of intimacy with our partner, loss of connection with our bodies. This has impacts on our psychological health and even our physical well being. So maybe there's a way to talk to her about that and let her know that in ways that she might not really realize, it is impacting her life, it's impacting her ability to connect to you, her husband. And maybe she's just really stressed and not finding other ways to have pleasure either. Because when I talk about prioritizing pleasure, I'm not just talking about sex, but I'm wondering, does she have fun? Does she have friends? What does she like to do? Could you guys do more of those things together? Is there a way to help her ease her anxiety and her worry about life and the kid? So you guys do feel more connected? Have you taken trips together? Have you guys, you know, done anything to really take yourselves out of your 10 year relationship patterns and try some different things together? And also therapy. It's so helpful for so many couples. The majority of couples will benefit from some kind of therapy.

I agree.

As I've learned from you, love therapy. So Rob, I really hope you can continue to talk to her and see if she'll come around. You also don't have to silently be suffering with somebody who's just not interested. So. So I think the sooner you can start to have these real conversations with her and see if she's willing to entertain the idea of exploring her own sexuality, hopefully she will realize how important is for her explore her sexuality and her pleasure. And if she doesn't, you know, then we got to figure out next steps here because you deserve to have a life of pleasure and with somebody who enjoys sharing it with you.

Thanks Rob.

Thanks Rob.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? You email me feedback with emily.com.

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