Hotline Calls: My Partner Doesn’t Orgasm

Stay clear, stay consistent with everybody you're dating. And it's gonna be a lot easier for you, too, once you start to really embody this person that you're becoming and clearly stating your boundaries and what you want. You're gonna find that the right relationships are gonna show up and you're gonna be able to learn how to navigate them with a consenting partner who wants.

The same things exactly. And just as you said, being clear about your intentions does not make you an asshole. It just makes you a great communicator.

Yeah. Which is really, really sexy.

Really sexy.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. We receive so many wonderful and interesting voicemail questions on our hotline, and I thought I would love to start answering more of them in some dedicated hotline call episodes. And while I love answering your questions myself, I'm so excited to bring in my fabulous producer, Erica. She's going to help me answer your questions. She's worked with me for several years. She's got a great take on this. She knows her stuff, and I'm so excited for you to get to know her as well. Today we're answering your questions on how to introduce toys and lube into the bedroom, how to keep hookups casual when they usually turn serious, frustrations and insecurities when your partner never ejaculates, and lack of desire to have sex with your partner. And if you want to leave a voicemail with your question, please do call our hotline, 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. You can also leave me your questions or message me@6sexwithemily.com askemily. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And totally cool. To change your name or choose to remain anonymous, please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, the Boner Breakdown, all the types of erections you can have, and six of the best toys for masturbation are up on sexwithemily.com all right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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This is from Scott, 44, in California.

Hi, my name is Scott. I'm 44, I live in California. My question is about introducing new things into sex. With my wife of 10 years, it seems like pretty basic stuff like lube or like a sex toy, like a vibrator. And she, I think she feels like using lubrication means that she's not wet enough and that she's not good enough. And it's. For me, it doesn't, it's not a matter of that at all. It just, it feels good. And the same with a vibrator. It's kind of like she doesn't want to have some sort of outside thing. I think she feels like she shouldn't need that or she doesn't need that. I think that's a lot of what she says. Like, I don't, I don't need lubrication. And for me, sex is not necessarily about what you need. It's about what we can do and how we can explore each other and how we can make each other feel better. So I guess I'm just kind of at an impasse with her because I don't want to pressure her into doing things she doesn't want to do. But I don't know, for me, like, lubrication seems like a pretty fun, easy way to like, you know, spice things up and make things nice and slippery. Anyway, all right, bye. Bye.

All right.

We got you, Scott. Okay, here's the thing. Well, let me just say this, Scott, I so appreciate your question and your email, and I think it's so relatable and I just want to normalize what you're going through because it's really common that whenever, whenever we bring up lube to anybody, pretty much. I'd say nine out of 10 people who don't know me and who don't work with me and da da, like, out in the world, they're like, oh, I don't need that. We don't need lube. Because there still is a stigma with lube, that it means that something's wrong. If you're a woman, a vulva owner, you think, well, I don't get turned on and I'm not wet enough, then your partner, if you're with a man, thinks they're doing something wrong. But it's my mission, as you know, to get a lube in every nightstand and to totally get people to understand that your wetness level is not an indicator of you being aroused. You've all heard me say this.

We know this. But why do people still think this? Why do people think that how wet you are is an indication of how much you are into your partner?

I think that just what we've been told, like, because when we do get wet, usually it's when we're aroused, and we think if we don't get wet, something's wrong with us. We also have no information, but there's no accurate sex education information. I mean, who else would have told Scott this and his wife? There's that notion that something's wrong and we don't need it. But I want to go back to something great that Scott said too, is that lube seems like a pretty fun way to spice things up. Exactly. That's the other thing. Adding lube is the same thing of adding sunblock when it's cloudy outside. It's just a safety. And you know you're not gonna burn, and you know that you don't have to worry about it and you're gonna have a great day anyway and not have to worry about all the things lube does the same thing, with the added bonus of a few drops. Feels great to everybody involved.

Incredible. Yeah, incredible. And I wonder if it's a similar hesitation to, like, bringing toys into the bedroom. Like, I don't know why people think that. To be so pure, like, just bodies in their natural. It's like, why wouldn't you add lube if it's going to make it that much better? People will add spit before they add lube. And it's like, okay, so you're aware that you need something aside from what your body's producing, but why don't you just get a bottle of lube and it'll feel so Much better.

Exactly. And let's not even get into what's in the saliva now. That could cause bacterial infections anyway. But that's such a great point about that. Like, you just know that you're going to want something. And also you add some lube. And it's consistencies, because sometimes this reminds you that you're wet at the beginning of sex, but you're not wet five minutes later. And this just normalize it so you don't have to worry about it. And it is the same thing with toys. Like, I just think that there's still the stigma that people think it's going to replace them. Or it means that we're somehow inferior. If we have to bring in a toy and lube, we are broken. Either we're broken or our partner's broken. So we'd rather just believe these old messages around both sex and toys. So what does he do?

I am all about talking about it first. Of course, if you're going to try something new, you absolutely need mutual, enthusiastic consent. And I think there's something to be said for, like, just buy a bottle. Just let her try it for once. Like, everyone should be able to try something. Let them know if it's for them or not. And I feel like if you try it once, it's kind of one of those things where you'll instantly notice, oh, this just feels better. Why wouldn't I use it every time?

Exactly. I have to say that in all these years, no one's ever said, I don't like using lube. Why did you tell me to buy lube? In fact, we got more people saying, thank you, thank you, thank you. So I love that idea of just buying a bottle. Playground. Playground is a really great lube made by women for women. And men obviously can use it, but the ingredients are like a facial for your vagina. And if you just put on your nightstand, it's adorable little bottle, it kind of looks like face lotion. And you just say, hey, babe, I want you to feel this. And you put a few drops on your fingers. And then you start touching her. You can just start to put a few drops. We're not talking like you're dumping a bottle. It's a few drops on your fingertips and then start to rub her clitoris, her vulva, and start to rub it in like you're giving her a genital massage or. Or take it and rub it around her nipples. I think you're going to see pretty soon is my hope that she's going to be like, don't stop. Don't stop.

Oh, yeah. How would you say, like in a similar way of introducing lube, like slowly rubbing it on. How could he introduce a vibrator?

Well, I think it would be the same thing like with her. Maybe they should go shopping together. They could go to our website. We just launched a new store and there's a lot of toys on there. I would recommend something like the Jew Mimi or the we Vibe Touch or the Tango. They're little toys that fit in the palm of your hand and they have vibrations on them. So what you could do is say sex with Emily recommended this. You could show her that you're ordering it and then when it comes first off, she might still have that belief that a sex toy looks like a big penis and it's massive and you want it to see it inside of her when really it's a tiny little thing that fits in the palm of your hand that vibrates on nerve endings on her body, which feels fantastic. So the thing I would do is just let her know you're going to order it and if she doesn't like it, you never have to use it again. Then I would put a few drops on of the lube and then I would just show her on a very low setting perhaps what it feels like on her. You could even use it on her inner elbow. You could use on the back of her hand. You could just use it on her chest. You could solely give her a massage, actually, and just have her lie on her stomach and use some massage oil and rub it on her and just let her see how it feels like. Get used to it.

I love that.

Flip her over and see how she feels and start using it on her body.

And Scott, if you get her a vibrator and she doesn't like it, well, now you have a vibrator that's going to feel great on all of your body parts.

Exactly.

Keep it in the shower, solo. Sex is still so important, as you always tell me, even in a long term relationship.

Exactly. Still important. And yeah, vibrators are good for anybody who has genitals and they like vibration on their nerve endings, which I think is most of us.

Yeah.

Okay, great. Thank you, Scott. Let us know how it goes. We're here for you. I'm dying to hear. I actually really want to hear how this goes.

Oh, me too.

So please, you have to let us know.

Feedback sex with Emily. Let us know. Leave another voicemail.

Yeah, let us know. We're invested.

Thanks, Scott.

This is Casey, 30, in Washington.

Hi, Emily, My name is Casey. I'm a 30 year old female from Washington D.C. and I have a question for you. I recently ended my marriage and my relationship of 10 years and I have been having sex with different partners. I am with a male partner now and I'm having probably the best sex of my life. He's very attentive to me. I'm very happy with the way that things are going and he is too. And we spend a lot of time in bed together and I find that we're really focusing on me. Actually, most of the time he doesn't finish, he won't ejaculate. He says that this is like normal for him. He'd rather have, you know, the kind of sex that we're having, you know, 30 minutes and be done. But it does make me a little bit insecure or anxious that he's not really feeling fully fulfilled. I just kind of wanted to know, is this a normal thing? Is this something that I can do, something to be more prioritizing of his pleasure and his experience. Just would really love to know your thoughts and if you have any advice for me. So thanks a lot. Bye.

All right, Casey, thanks so much for your question. So what you're explaining here is something that we call delayed ejaculation. It's what it sounds like to me where it takes about 30 minutes or more for someone to orgasm during penetration or during partnered sex. And so it's more common than I think we realize. And it can happen for a lot of different reasons. The reasons are not always that perceptible to somebody and it might take some work to kind of figure it out. It could just be a learned behavior. Maybe when he was younger and masturbating, he was always afraid that his mom was going to walk in the room. And then he learned to hold his ejaculation, which would be kind of an anxious or a learned response to ejaculation. It could be something a little bit more psychological that we're not even sure what it is. It could be that he's really used to masturbating in one way. Like he always masturbates using this one hand grip that maybe is a little bit tight later or a little bit different than something that you're providing during penetration. There's just ways that men get set and women, they get set in the ways they orgasm. And my first recommendation is just to have a conversation with them outside the bedroom. Definitely. We're just like, hey, let's talk about. I love our sex Life. Here's what you're doing. Great. These are all the really exciting things about our sex life that I love. And I'd love to know more about you not ejaculating. Like, could you tell me about, is this something that's been happened to you for a while? Like, I know you say that it feels great, but I can't help but think there could be more. More, like, tell me, has this always been a thing? Like, just have him talk about it.

And I think getting curious. Curious in a way that has no stakes, because once you make your partner feel bad that they're not able to orgasm during sex, then it just adds even more pressure. And that's true for all people of all genders. So just be curious and then maybe you can help him. Like, maybe you can simulate that grip that he does on its own. And that's why mutual masturbation's great, as you always say.

Yeah. I love the reminder of being compassionate and curious and open. I have to say that he probably doesn't feel so great that he can't ejaculate. I think it's true that he's having a lot of pleasure, but he probably wants to know, like, how can he crack the code? Like, he'd probably like to as well and isn't sure what to do. I have a sense that's probably been a pattern for him. So absolutely. You don't want to shame. You want to be really open and say, I'm good. This is all the things I'm loving about our sex. But I'm just, you know, since we're getting to know each other, I'd love to know more. You're so good at, like, giving me pleasure and I love the way you do all these things. And I'd love to be a great lover to you too. And like, no pressure, but let's just talk about it. Open, curious, zero judgment.

Exactly. And always remember that whatever is going on with a partner's penis has nothing to do with you.

It's true. It's not because of something you're doing or not doing.

Thanks, Casey.

Thanks, Casey. This is JD. He's 47 in North Carolina.

Hi, Emily. I've been listening to your podcast for a few months now, and I'll go by JD In North Carolina. I've only had sex with four different women in my lifetime. First partner was in college. That relationship went to marriage with wonderful kids. Now college bound. Were divorced 12 years at this point, but remained friends. Then after her, I had a one night stand. Then my next experience went into a seven year relationship and now I am divorcing my last wife of four years who turns out was a severe narcissist. I'm starting to get back into the dating world and I've built a profile on field. My question is, how can I have an exciting and fun sex and social life that makes friends rather than long term partners? How to do this without being an asshole. Is it even possible? I live in a fine town with lots of available, interested and interesting women. I don't want to wind up having my next hookup, want to move in or worse. I'm way too easily coerced into ultimatum such as I don't want to keep paying rent or a mortgage if I'm staying at your place all the time. I appreciate and value good sex as well as love and friendship, but I do want to keep it balanced. I do not want to fuck around and wind up three times divorced and see eight years when I'm 55. I appreciate what you do. Thank you.

Thank you so much JD for your thoughtful question. And you really seem like you have done a lot of introspection and you really have looked at yourself and your patterns and your history. And I just love that in a human someone who's like done their work and could look back on it. And so I guess what you're really asking then is after all you've been through, you see your patterns, you're just looking to have fun and hook up and not find yourself with somebody moving in on a third date. I think the first thing goes for saying just that. You have to be very clear what you're looking for. And it's totally okay to say and be honest. I've come out of long term relationships. Right now I'm just looking to have a consensual good time with somebody where we're respecting each other and we both clearly state what our needs are and what our boundaries are. Because I think sometimes some people could say, oh, I'm just not looking for it. I think that you also have to be very, very clear here and give even more details because what can happen sometimes is you might say to somebody, I'm not looking for anything. And they might be the type of person who says in their head, oh, but I'll be the one and I'll convince you. So you have to watch out for that too. And you have to also be self aware, you know, is that happening to you? So I think you have to be specific. What it looks like now you might not even know right now. But something like my ideal world is I see this person, you know, I would see you, you could tell this person on Saturday nights and maybe another day on the weekend. Or I, you know, twice a week. Or we would do these kinds of things together so they can really understand what kind of relationship. Or maybe it's just sex. Maybe you're like, you come over on Saturday night at 5 o', clock, I cook us dinner and you have to go home because I, I don't sleep well with other people in the bed. Like we all have our own quirks and things that we want. And at 55 years old, you know yourself, you've deserved this space and time in a relationship to get what you want.

Totally. And I think the more you can own your desire to stay single, just have casual sex, then it won't really matter what someone else says to you to try to coerce you into moving in together or anything like that. You know, you dated someone and then the next person you hooked up with, it was a one night stand that turned into a seven year relationship. And so there are so many amazing people out there. I feel like sometimes the scarcity mindset can make it scary. Like this person is gonna leave if I don't let them move into my house. So I guess I'll let them in. And it's like, no, there's so many amazing people, clearly that's not a match if they're looking for someone to live with and you're not. Great information, as you always say.

Yeah, you get to move on. Exactly. You get to move on and say, you know what? Not my person. And that's okay. Just be clear. Clear is kind like just telling somebody this is exactly what you want. And I think if you're, yeah. If you're worried like, oh well, I won't find anyone and who's going to really want to be with someone like this. They absolutely will, first off. And second off, you are clearly stating what you need. So you're going to attract the people that you want to find. This is what happens. Exactly. And be the person you want to find too. So stay clear, stay consistent with everybody you're dating. And it's going to be a lot easier for you too. Once you start to really embody this person that you're becoming and clearly stating your boundaries and what you want, you're gonna find that the right relationships are gonna show up and you're gonna be able to learn how to navigate them with a consenting partner who wants the Same things exactly.

And just as you said, being clear about your intentions does not make you an asshole. It just makes you a great communicator.

Yeah. Which is really, really sexy.

Really sexy.

Okay, thanks, J.D. don't hang up because after a quick break, we're answering more of your voicemail questions.

Hi, I'm a 34 year old female. I'm in a relationship. Monogamous relationship, sort of. It's a little complicated. I actually had a question because I usually have a very high sex drive and I've always had it that way. And it wasn't until I met my current boyfriend that I've had very little desire to have sex. At least with him. I'm very attracted to him. I'm just not sexually turned on. And I've thought of reasons why this could be, but it has been burning me. I need to find out why and what I can do because I do not want to ruin the relationship. I do not want to leave him. But I do miss enjoying sex. My question was what could possibly maybe be the reason and how can I overcome it without losing my relationship with my partner since I just do not feel any sort of desire to have sex with him? Bye. Bye.

All right, Ronnie, thank you for your question here. So there could be a few things going on. First, I'm wondering how long they've been together. I don't think, she says, but I want to know how long you've been with him. Has it been this way since the beginning? Were you attracted to him at the beginning and it shifted. So that's something to think about. But doesn't it sound to you, Erica, like maybe it's never really been there? I can't tell.

Yeah, I don't know, she says, because I usually have a very high sex drive and I always had it that way. It wasn't until I met my current boyfriend that I've had very little desire.

There's a few things. Maybe you're just not attracted to him, but he's all the things that you love in a partner. Maybe you thought it would grow on you and maybe it would. Eventually you'd have that attraction. But in my experience, experience what I found is that if it's not there in the beginning and you don't have that spark, it's really hard to create it if it wasn't there initially. So I'm not saying you should just walk away from this, but I would definitely, if you want to do some more exploring and stay in the relationship a little more, you could start having Some conversations with them outside the bedroom. You could do the yes, no, maybe list and see if there's any fun things on there that could be hot for both of you that you could try together. Maybe see a different side of it. But you could think about the things that turned you on in your previous relationships and see if you'd be willing to try them. Or is this just a chemistry thing? That's one thing. The other thing I want you to think about is have you started any new medications? Are you on an antidepressant? Are you on birth control? Is there anything that you know has changed since your last boyfriend? It's interesting because you're attracted to him, but then you said desire, so I want to remind you of this too. Is that desire for many of us doesn't just hit us over the head. So if you're waiting for that urge, like he walks in the room and you want to grab him and have sex with him and rip your clothes off and rip his clothes off. That doesn't always happen. And we have to understand our arousal one way, our desire. Like, what are the things? This is what my book, Smart Sex, if you haven't picked up a copy yet, which we talk about the pillars of sex iq, and one of them is self knowledge and knowing. What do you need to be aroused? Because I'm wondering here this one sentence about you're not having the desire. You might need a back rub burst. You might need him to ask about your day. You might need the house to be clean. You might need him to share a story with you. You might need him to go down on you for 10 minutes. There's a lot of things that you might need to realize that you are in the mood for sex. So what I can't tell here is that you just don't know how to get started. Like, once you get started with the sex and is it satisfying and are you into it, or are you more about, like, it's not hitting me over the head. I'm not excited. So I don't know what to do because I don't know. For the majority of us, we need a little prodding. We need some foreplay. We need something going on to get us there.

Totally. It's not just about attraction when it comes to sex. It's like you need your whole body and brain to be on board for it. You could be so attracted to your partner. But if you're not feeling in your body, not feeling sexual, it's like nothing will make you exactly want to. It's not going to just hit you over the head. And I think what you always say is like, people kind of wait for that to happen, wait for that moment. Especially in long term relationships where it kind of feels like your roommates and it's like, no. Cultivating that spark takes work. It takes active work.

It does, it does. It takes active work. And then knowing yourself and knowing who you are and understanding that it's this happens in all long term relationships and you can, or any relationship really. And I would say if you don't want to ruin this relationship and you really like them, why not have a conversation with them and be really honest. Be really honest with him about what you'd like to work on with him, how you'd like to find ways to get the sex going, and maybe find out what turns him on. And maybe having just conversations about sex and how you both get aroused and turned on might be just the thing that gets you aroused and turned on.

Totally.

All right, let us know how it goes.

That's it for today's episode. See See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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