Hotline Calls: Where Did the Sex Go?

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Do you know mutual masturbation is one of the top searched sex terms? You know you're gonna get off. You're learning from your partner what feels good to them. It's a sure thing.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, in this episode, I take calls from our Sex with Emily hotline. Your questions include what it means if you're in a healthy relationship with a man but can't stop fantasizing about women. What's the deal with bisexuality? Is birth control to blame for your low sex drive? If not, what is it? How to bring intimacy back into your relationship after pregnancy. And what to do if your partner refuses to talk about their sexual desires. All right, now it's your turn. Please call and leave a voicemail with your questions and then we'll get in touch and set a time for us to talk live. The number five, five, nine, talk sex. That's 559-825-5739. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, it really helps us set an intention. What do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is simply to help all. All of my incredible listeners navigate their sexual challenges and answer your questions and help you live the sex life you deserve. Or ask Emily at sex with emily.com this week. I hate giving my partner oral sex. What do I do? Check that one out. Maybe you were thinking about it. Maybe a friend. All right, enjoy this episode.

So we've got Lauren, 30, calling in from New Jersey. Lauren, tell me what's going on.

Thanks.

I'm a huge fan. I'm so happy. So I'm a therapist, and I'm always thinking, always in my head, but I can't figure this one out.

Okay.

I think of it as, like, my ID is spilling into my ego. I am in a healthy relationship with a man, like, seven months in, and suddenly my fantasies of being with a girl sexually being with a woman is, like, suddenly moving into my daily life. And I go by the timing, tone, and turf. I'm a big communicator. I've talked about it with him. I mean, he. He's not, like, irritated by it, but he's definitely not okay with me pursuing that. And I understand.

Right.

But I just can't get my finger on why this is suddenly, like, not just a fantasy. It used to just be I would have dreams or that would be the porn of choice, and suddenly it's like, no, I want to do this in my waking life, and I can't get to the bottom of it.

Have you met anybody that's piqued your interest?

I have not.

Okay. How's your sex life with your partner?

Our sex life is great. The hesitation you hear in my voice is like, I am struggling a little bit with the X factor, like, the wow chemistry. But everything is so great in the relationship, and the actual sex is great as well in the communication. So it's not something I'm concerned about, but the X factor is just a little. So.

So for me, okay, how the X.

Factor meaning just that, like, unspeakable, chemical, I got to have you right here, right now type of connection that I had in my most toxic relationships. Honestly, like, the more toxic. Yeah, the more toxic, the stronger that was, which is terrible. And now I'm 30 and making smarter choices.

How long have you guys been together?

Seven months.

Seven months. Okay, so it's still new. How was it at the beginning? Did you have that attraction at the beginning? We. We did.

I don't know what wore off. I think. I don't know if it's spending more time together than I usually spend with my significant other, to be honest. Um, but it.

It.

It's died down a little bit. And it's only seven months in.

Yeah, I mean, that's what happens in relationships. The honeymoon period is anywhere from six months to two years. And then during the pandemic, maybe you were spending more time together. And then that kind of squashes out the. The. The arousal and the attraction process, because when we're on top of each other, we're seeing each other more while we feel more intimate and more connection and more love with our partner. It sort of can douse the flames of desire because we no longer have that separation. We no longer have the novelty. And that's big for me and the spontaneity. And so living together. You're not living together. Right.

Okay. So I'm lived on my own forever. And then recently, situations in my apartment became unlivable, and I did need to stay here. So I've gone from living on my own my entire life since I was 20 to now we are here together all the time, and it's fine. But maybe that's playing more of a role.

Definitely, you need that. Because then where is the spontaneity? Where's the buildup? Where's the getting excited to see him and dressing up and going on the dates?

Yes.

Yeah.

It's really soon to move in with some after seven months. And people do it all the time. I'm just saying that maybe. Maybe it. Maybe. I mean, do you think besides the sex, which is a huge thing, like, how are there other things in the relationship that give you pause?

No, besides. Besides that chemical, like just missing a little bit of that X factor. That's what I've always called it.

And you said it was there in the beginning, but not.

It was not the strongest I've ever had.

Okay.

But when I was in my younger and mid-20s, I put all of my stock in that. If I didn't have that X factor with someone, I did not give them a chance, and it led me to a lot of the wrong people.

Right, exactly.

So I don't put all of my stock.

Well, see, this is what we do. We tend to learn our lessons, and then sometimes we use the pendulum swings the other way. You're like, okay, I don't need to have The X factor. I'm just going to find someone who's compatible, who's a good guy, who's not toxic. And then either you find that maybe you go somewhere back towards the middle. But did you have it at all at the beginning? Like, enough so you had a little bit. So is he interested in sex? Is he interested in growing with you? He is.

He's so open to these conversations with me and I think he's heard me listening to your podcast a lot. And I've always been a sexual person. So when I found your podcast was great. She's like, she's educating people and she just knows her stuff. So he's open to it, but not to me pursuing the woman, right?

Yes.

Well, I don't want a threesome. Like, this is something I want on my own.

Well, you've been together for seven months and you're 30. And part of me thinks like, does he really get to dictate which fantasies you. I mean, that's. Let's go back to that. It's not even like you're saying, I want to spice it up, I want to make it interesting. You're saying my fantasies for women is really going through the roof. And I just think you're young and you are still exploring and how would you feel if you've never had that experience? So I feel like perhaps he needs to hear more about it. Like, I don't think you're saying, I want to leave you for a woman. You're saying, I want to still have sexual experiences and I still want to grow, grow. And this is one area where I just need to do it on my own. And that's not an easy pill for many people to swallow because they get jealous or they're worried or what does it mean now? Most of us are not that educated around these things. Like, we just feel threatened and we feel rejected. And so it's a matter of. So there's two things going on here. The first thing is, like, you have this pretty intense desire that you've had for a while, but now it's elbow because it's the porn you watch. Although that's what I watch too. But it elevates and elevates. So now it's about that and the fact that he hasn't been that most. He's just not doing it for you. So on the one hand, you can kind of choose your battles here and say, okay, I'm not gonna pursue the woman thing right now, but what I am gonna do in this seven month relationship Is I'm gonna really try to talk to him about what I find attractive or what would be really hot to me. Or discussing some of your fantasies that don't include women. Or can you remember a time with him or, like, the sexiest night you've had together? Did something happen? Do you remember what was happening? Could you recreate that?

I'm big on mood music, and so I don't know if you know Alina Baraz, but I think she's got such a sexy voice.

But I want to write it down. Yeah.

Such a sexy voice, just like all of hers. I could just put on a playlist of Alina Burras and, like, a drink, kind of set the mood. Sometimes I like to dabble with edibles.

Yes.

And just kind of get lost in each other. Phones away. I don't care if we're. I mean, with the pandemic, we've not really gone out and had that much exciting experiences outside of the home together, which could be playing into this in general, but, like, playing into the specifics of the woman thing. Just. It's not connecting for me. I just. I don't understand.

Our brains are. I mean, maybe you're just, like, not as attracted to him, and so your brain is going, well, what about a woman? That could really be next level. And you won't know until you try it. So you could choose to say. Say I'm gonna just focus for the next three. You could say three months, Lauren. You could say, babe, let's just do. You could download our pleasure planner on our website. It gives couples, like, steps to walk through and plan out their sex life. The yes, no, maybe list. All the things I talk about could be the fuel to see, like, are you guys both into the same things? Explaining to him what you might need to be aroused. Maybe it's more foreplay, more warmup. Maybe you want to come home from work and he's playing the soundtrack. You know, he's taking care of things. But it's a skill set, like learning how to be a great lover. And he just might not know how to be that to you. And you might not really know what that looks like either. So you could say for three months, I'm going to try to put all of my energy into trying with him and seeing if he's on board. And if we could create new scenarios, get a hotel room for a night, travel together. Can you go stay with a friend for a week?

Yeah.

We've really been lacking those experiences. And I've always. That's him. I need the excitement. Like, I'm not saying whisk me away to Mexico and travel. Like, I. I know we both have a lot going on, but I. I need some. I need to get dressed and. Right, you know, feel sexy. Put on makeup and have him, like, be the one saying, okay, babe, we're going to go here, get dressed up, you know, like, tell me what to do. I don't want to be the one planning it all.

I'm the same way. Have you told him that?

Yes.

And has he done it? He.

He's trying. He's not a planner. Dear Lord. He's not a planner. And I understand. I'm not great either, but I need it. I need some spicing.

Then. Then I think that's what you tell them. Like, plan this night for us. Because I'm not a planner either, and I had a relationship a few years ago. Neither one of us were planners. And it didn't go well because I'm just like, I'm down for anything. I work all fricking day. I need you to plan.

It's also sexy when someone takes the initiative. I think you can relate. And other people have spoken about this. When you're in control and you, like, run shit in your life elsewhere in the bedroom, you kind of just want to a little bit want to be dominated. I romantically like, babe, we're gonna go here, get ready. We're going out and doing this. And I do understand it's harder now, but it's not impossible.

It's not impossible, but he might never have been asked this before and doesn't know what it looks like, you might need to really explain to him this is what it looks like. So when I come out and I know this doesn't sound sexy, but to be able to say to him, okay, for Saturday night, I want you to plan A, B, and C and tell me what to wear and tell me where we're going, and, like, help him a little bit. And then once he does that and you have this great reaction to it, it'll reinforce new behavior because it's just new behavior. Like, to learn how to be a planner. Right, but. And to learn how to dominate as well. Like, he might not even know what that means. Sometimes we say dominate us, and our partner's like, what do you. What do you mean? Yeah, like, do you want me to choke you? Do you want me to tie you up? Do you want me to, like, spank you? You know, he might know. So that's why the yes, no, maybe list is A cool thing for couples to do because maybe he's into some of the things you're into and he didn't know that. That's what dominate me, you know what I mean? Assumptions that they know.

Because I told him I want him to be more aggressive in the bedroom. And then I realized last night, like, I need to spell out explicitly what I mean by that. Like, that could mean so many things. And his nature is not an aggressive. He is kind and warm. So, like, he might not. I might have to really say, like, I want you to pull my legs apart. I want you to, you know, initiate this. Be it, like, make me feel like you have to have me.

Yes, exactly. Like literally exactly. And try to find some porn where it happens. This is where I love porn. You're like this scene right now. Show him three scenes, cue them up. That's what I want. And then say, I'm gonna try this with him for a few months because the women are always going to be there. And then you'll know, right? And maybe you'll start to feeling more attracted to him and those feelings will go away. But it's probably because you had such a lacking for. You're not getting your needs met. You're like, well, this fantasy gets me off every time. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah.

Yeah.

So I feel that that might be a good way to go. Just kind of commit to. Even if it's two months. Because you'll know in two months.

And then I guess I'll end up finding out if the lack of excitement is fueling my girl fantasy not being just a fantasy anymore.

Right? Exactly. But you won't know until you change something up. So saying I'm going to put that aside for two months. I'm going to give him two months or three months or whatever feels good to you. And you're going to continually talk about it and see. Can he bring it?

Yeah.

And then you'll have your answer. What do you think, Lauren?

I think that's a good idea. I love it. Let's see. This is my cold. You're a great.

Yay. Thank you so much. Keep me posted.

Okay, I'll keep listening. I'll keep.

I love it. Have a great night. After the break, I talked to Alexis who just got on birth control and it's killing her sex drive. All this and more coming right up.

Let's talk to Alexis, 19 in Michigan. Hi, Alexis. I remember when I was 19 in Michigan. Hi, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm Good. What's going on? How can I help you?

Of course. So I am in a long term relationship. He's really great. And I started taking birth control when we started having a few months after we started having sex. And my sex drive has slowly.

Been getting to about a zero. And I've been really struggling lately. And he's really understanding, but obviously his sex drive is higher than mine and I fully believe that a good sex life is important in a relationship. I don't know if I should talk to my gyno or.

Yes.

I just don't know what to do.

I feel pretty. Yes.

Sweet.

Listen, Alexis, there are so funny that you're calling in right now because I too am from Michigan and I was talking to my freshman year roommate, so I was probably about your age. And I said to her, I think that when I went on the birth control, I got on a year a few weeks before I started college, that it did impact my libido and my mood. And so what's happening, Alexis, is the pill can have an impact on your libido. And I would say 100%. Go to your gynecologist and ask her for different options. You could get a no hormone iud. You could also use a condom. You know, there's been a lot of really good information lately that's come in about the truths around the birth control pill. And I'm not telling women just to go off the pill. However it impacts our lives. It really does. Does in ways that you know our mood.

So if you.

If.

And you haven't changed anything else, you're not taking a antidepressant?

No.

Okay. I mean the pills. So you know, there are different ones with different levels of hormones. And so you could go see your doctor and see if she could adjust the prescription.

I would do that. And is there anything like. Is there anything that I could do like coming, like talking to him? I've tried to talk to him and he's been really understanding, but I'm just like feeling that he's not quite understanding what I'm feeling. And maybe I just don't want to force our sex life, but sometimes I feel like I have to because my sex drive is so low. Is there something that I can do now until I meet with my gyno to kind of improve our sex life a little bit or have him understand where I stand?

And I think it's both important. I think you're doing a great job, Alexis. I'm really glad that you're being really honest with him because our libidos, whether we're on the pill or not, will fluctuate throughout our lifetime. Things, you know, will get, you know, who knows, we're going through a stressful time or we're on antidepressant or after we have children. And so I think the healthier, you know, healthier conversations we can have with our partners about what's actually going on will, you know, and that they understand is really helpful. So I think you could give him information on the birth control pill and the impact it has on libido so you're not just making it up if he wants to really understand it more and what happens. You know, we've done a few great podcasts with a woman named Jolene Brighton, and she wrote a book called beyond the Pill. So there's great resources there as far as. So if he wants to read some of that and understand. But let me tell you, the other interesting thing that I'm thinking about, Alexis, is that, you know, for many women, whether they're on the pill or not, they just don't experience as high of a sex drive. It fluctuates at different times. And so.

Yeah.

And. And even then, women are. We are responsible for turning our own PIL lights on and figuring out what gets us in the mood. Because you said, well, of course my boyfriend has a higher drive. That we assume that, but there's. We had a woman call in yesterday who has a higher drive than her boyfriend, so it's not necessarily a gender thing, but I can see what you're saying that I'm, you know, he has a higher drive. And so for you, I would ask you, Alexis, in ways to work with this now. What. What, What. What are you in the mood for? Sex. What does that feel like? What's happening right before that moment? Is it something? Does your boyfriend do something does. Is there a response you have to a stimuli that turns you on?

Yeah.

Think about what that thing is like. For me, it's like, the more I masturbate, the more I want sex, the more I talk about sex to a partner, I want sex, you know, so. But I. It doesn't just hit me over the head. You know, I've never been like that, so. Yeah, but we think it's.

I never masturbate, so maybe I should start doing that. I just. I never see. I'm never in the mood.

Well, right. Okay. So this is a matter of building a new habit. We're never in the mood for the things that become habits. We're never like, can't wait to brush my teeth, you know, can't wait to eat breakfast. But if you leave a, if you do have a vibrator, use your hands. I would get a fun new toy that you like to play with that you might want to experiment with and you put it by your bed and you got a bottle of lube there. And before you go to sleep or when you wake up in the morning, whenever you're the most motivated, might take you 10 minutes and just start to explore and get curious about your body and what feels good. And then you'll find that that's one way to keep sex top of mind and to keep your body moving and keep your body feeling good and start to get those feel good hormones going. Because orgasms are actually good for our health, our mental health, our well being and will help.

Yeah, you.

So that's one thing I recommend. And I recommend. I don't know, have you, do you orgasm with a partner?

See, I see that's. I don't know. I've only ever been with him. I don't know what an orgasm is. I don't know if I've ever experienced it or not. Like, is there something that you know that you've experienced it?

Yeah, but I think it's really about you'll start to feel, you know, a sort of your pelvic floor maybe start to expand and vibrate. You'll start to, to feel like internal genital areas start to feel good and flush might move throughout your body. It's sort of an intense release. It is state of you, state of euphoria. It's a building.

Yeah, I definitely like experience like that feeling. For sure. I just need to explore more, I guess. For sure.

Yeah. We all do, Alexis. We all do. And I love that you're 19. I didn't masturbate until I was in my 20s. You have so much time to figure out your body and what feels good to you. So you're not behind here, you are right where you need to be and just start exploring and touching yourself. Have like a date night with yourself and say, okay, tonight is my night. I'm gonna take a bath. I'm gonna set the atmosphere for myself. I'm gonna, you know, put on my favorite music and light a candle and then seduce yourself essentially and think about how does touch feel on your body. Go slow, play with your nipples, you know, use your hand over your neck and just sort of tease yourself and get curious.

Yeah.

And that might also so much.

I really appreciate it.

Of course, I'M so glad you called, Alexis.

I listened to you on call here, Daddy, and I've been listening to you all day, and I was like, I have to talk to her about this.

I'm so glad you called in. Yeah, that was a really fun episode. I'm so glad you found me, and I'm glad I found you.

Thank you so much.

Really inspiring. Of course. We have a great night. Thanks for calling. Let's talk to Rick in Ohio. Hi, Rick. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Not much. I. I just want to say that I am. I. I definitely am attracted to both sexes, but I. I feel like I'm leaning more towards men. Is it possible to be, you know.

Absolutely. Oh, bisexual is real. Yeah. I mean, you can be attracted to men, women, all genders, and sexuality is a spectrum. The spectrum.

I've definitely been. I definitely have been with men, and I really enjoy being with men. But I mean, I. At the same time, I'm attracted to women, but I. I feel more comfortable sometimes, too, around men.

Yeah, I think that that's totally, you know, fine. People think. Oh, yeah, there's. I think what you're alluding to is that people think there's no such thing as being bisexual. But, like, how could you tell a whole group of people that they don't exist? It's not a phase. It's not a thing. And I think that there's a lot of people who. Who are bisexual, and they just go through a lifetime of repressing it because they don't understand how you could be attracted to all genders. They might be attracted to trans people. They might. To everyone. So, yeah. Rick, is it. Has it been a problem for you, or you're just wondering about the labels here?

Well, no, it hasn't really been a problem. I mean, like, for instance, I've been with a guy now for, you know, a good eight to nine years, but at the same time, too, if I'm watching something like Dancing with the Stars or. Or if there's an attractive girl on our commercial, I find attractive. You know, I mean, I. I'm not gonna dance around and not look, but, I mean, no, it hasn't been a problem. And I'm not really into labels or anything, but I think, okay, sometimes I feel like I, you know, catch myself doing a double glance at times with both genders.

That's. That's great that you allow yourself to do that. You know, people just don't. And in fact, there's a lot of men who are attracted to men. And they. You probably know these guys and they feel such shame around it that they end up becoming, you know, homophobic. They end up hating themselves. So then they hate others who are gay. So, you know, I'm not like.

I mean, I've.

Yeah, no, I'm glad. I'm saying you're a good example, Rick, of men, of a man who's being totally honest with yourself, you know, even at home.

Like, I've got, you know, a Playgirl magazine, but yet I've got a Playboy magazine. I mean, I've got, you know, I enjoy looking at both from time to time.

Yeah. To me, I think that means that you are open and, you know, think about it. If everyone was paid attention to their bisexuality or that they could be that sex is a spectrum. Just like gender isn't binary, you know, our biology. And so that's true. That, you know, isn't either that sex exists on the spectrum. Alfred Kinsey said, one is straight and six is gay.

Have women been a little bit more open about that over the years? Are there more women that are more like that or just.

I think that women are more openly. Women tend to be more bisexual. We tend to hear about it more. They tend to act on it more there because I believe there's less of a stigma and you're seeing it more in culture and it's just more accepted overall. It's more visible. But men don't see this. Men don't see it as much. Right. That you can be bisexual.

I think women have been that way for years, though. Right.

I think that the men and women have always existed on spectrum sexually, but I think that there's more permission given to women and there's more celebration of women being bisexual than men, But I think it's always been the case. But I think for many men, they just. They just keep it down and they're so afraid of the repercussions. And our society says that if you're bisexual, you're just gay. So that's not fair for men. Yes, you're absolutely right. That that is. The stigma is there for men and not for women.

I. I totally agree. I think maybe that might have been my original question. I just didn't know how to ask that.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's it. Yeah, that's it. That, that. But I don't. I think that now we give people more permission. This is why, Rick, this is such a great. I love that you're calling in, but I think if you really give people permission to expand their minds and to think about it, that people could kind of go try something out, dabble.

Okay, I get that. Yeah. Okay, cool. And I, I experimented and I, I enjoy it and I like it. It's. It's a lot of fun.

Yeah, good. Well, I'm glad that you found that and you're with a partner who's understanding, as we all should be. I want that for everybody.

My biggest thing is I. I love sucking penis. It's discreet.

Yeah, me too.

But, yeah, I've dabbled too, with women, you know, so. But that's. You don't have to give it up. Here's the thing. If we could be more open about this thing and we could be more open about what we're actually attracted to, and we didn't talk about like gender and we just were attracted to what we are attracted to, you know, now we call it like pansexual people who are more open to anything. They're just attracted to whatever they might be attracted to, to whoever, whatever gender. And I think that's the way to live. And I think that's where we're going now. Rick. I think that in society, much to much people's disappointment, many people don't. Won't be. This won't be a popular statement, but I think that now that there's more permission and there's more information and there's more education, I think that just allowing people to see that it's okay, be attracted to what you want, who you want, and just be honest and be open about it, that we would. Then it would give others permission just like me talking. You talking about this right now, Rick? I promise he was giving some other people permission to feel better about their own choices sexually. Or maybe there's some people who have felt like they don't want to come out. And now by hearing this, they want to, they're thinking, okay, well, Rick's doing it. Rick's opened. I'm okay.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, thank you, Rick. Thanks for calling. I appreciate it. This is from Mark, 43 in the UK. I'm married and I've known my wife for 12 years. We've been married for five. We're very sexually open. We've been to clubs and we've swung. We use toys together. The magic wand, the womanizer. We watch porn, we use toys. And we are deeply committed to one another. She is the best sex I've ever had. We've been trying to start a family for a while and last year she was pregnant, but after three months we lost the Baby. Worst experience for us both, but we're dealing. However, I believe that it has changed her. Totally understandable. It's not something you're going to get over anytime soon. I want nothing but to be supportive of her. However, it has changed our sex life. She only wants to have sex when she's ovulating. We really want a baby, and I've tried to let her know as much as we really want to begin a family, sex isn't just for baby making. And I miss her, but don't want to push her due to the trauma of miscarriage. Is there a thing I can do to support her? So many couples go through miscarriages. It's really, really common, actually. And I don't think we talk about it enough. It can be so upsetting because it's like the ultimate joy, right when you are pregnant and you're going to become parents and you're expecting and all these things happen, and it's really. It can be very, very devastating. And, you know, not only, like, your hormones, you know, kind of messed up after that, but it just. The sorrow and the pain and, you know, it's estimated that one in eight pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I would say maybe 20%, 25% of my friends probably who have kids right now have had a miscarriage first. They just did, all ages. And so I think if you've seen a marked difference, mark, that she's really. Maybe she's depressed, you know, maybe she could, you know, have therapy and you guys could go together. And this is another thing that happens when couples are trying to get pregnant for a while. It literally just becomes like, we're making babies. We're making babies. Like, sex is no longer fun. It's no longer sexy. There's no variety. There's other things I talk about in the show, and it becomes like a chore. And this gets really, really challenging for couples. It's. It can be a tricky time. And so it's really important that you can have a talk with her and just say, like, what. What can we do that could keep our sex life still really interesting? Because what you've said to her, I've let her know that it's not just for baby making. But see, here's the thing about these conversations. If you say to your wife, I feel like we're only having sex when you're ovulating, sex isn't just for baby making. All she cares about right now, honestly, all she is making a baby. So the way you said it, remember, Guys, communication is so important here because there's a totally different way. It was like, really, you got to think about your spin on this, right? Like, that is not going to make anyone, like, well, I want to make a baby. What are you talking about? But having conversations or at least thinking about it, you've been with her for a while. What makes her feel the most herself and in the mood? And were there things you could go back to in the beginning that work? Maybe you guys need a reset, you need a vacation, you need to switch up locations. I mean, you could even have some conversations. We've got some great tools on our site and blog posts and things about how to have these conversations. But I think, you know, even ask her, what's the three most memorable times we've had sex? Like, ask her that and say, tell me the three most memorable times we've had sex and what you remember about them, right? And then you guys can have a fun game of, like, trading stories. Because sometimes we just need to be reminded. And also, there'll be some clues in that. There'll be something in each story that will say, oh, you know, for example, if she talks about the time you were on vacation. And a lot of our stories are actually, people are on vacation. It's because we're out of our element. We're not. We're not at home staring at the ceiling, the same ceiling, and doing all the things that just aren't less interesting. You change up the location. But maybe she liked it one time when, you know, there was a lot of dirty talk, or maybe you were. It was a forbidden time. Like, maybe you were somewhere where you shouldn't have been having sex. So when you ask these questions, there's a lot of information that you can get from that. You can say, oh, she likes a little mystery. She likes to play dress up. If she liked that one time on Halloween when you had sex. So you can kind of find out cues to see, like, what might be interesting for us. And you did use the words here we're talking about miscarriage. Like, how do you get past it? You did say trauma of miscarriage. So if it's been a year and she's still feeling that again, therapy, you know, there might be part of her that's really wants to get pregnant and then scared if she does get pregnant, she's going to lose the baby. So it's more complex than we allow people to realize. It really is. So that's what I suggest for you, Mark. Repair your relationship. How everyone needs to repair It. And that is like honest communication. And keep going with it, keep talking about it. When I come back, Don's wondering how to help his girlfriend figure out what she likes in bed. Don't go away.

This is from Don, 31, in Canada, longtime listener from Canada. I've been dating someone for a couple months. We get along famously. She's funny and sexy, the total package. Our sex life is good, but whenever we get intimate, she says that she's lazy and doesn't like to ask for what she wants in bed. I reassured her that she need not be shy and we should have open communication. Any tips on how we can improve this aspect of our relationship? I would say that your girlfriend dawn probably isn't lazy. She doesn't know what to ask for. She doesn't. She says she doesn't like to ask for what she wants in bed. Nobody likes to ask for what they want in bed. We all want our partners to be mind readers and to figure it out. I mean, I actually believe that. I used to think that my partners must be able to intuit from my body language exactly what I needed. And I thought that men were shipped off somewhere to a school, and that in that men's school they learned everything about the female body, because I had no idea. I mean, really, that's how. We don't have information about this. And so I think that you can work with her on this, even telling her that she doesn't need to be shy. You should have open communication, make this fun. Okay, you could make this like, I get what you're saying, but let's.

Let's.

I would just love to hear you right now when we're not in bed. You know, let's talk about what you like. You could go to our site. You could download our yes, no, maybe list. You guys could take that together. It's a list that lists all the sex things, everything on the table. Kissing, anal, foreplay, cuddling. And then you each tick yes, no, or maybe. I mean, if she's lazy, she wouldn't mind laying down and clicking off the yes, no, maybe list with you. But I believe that, you know, she should tell you could also play a game, make a fun sex game, have a conversation using, you know, there's like, these sex libs. There's all this stuff, sex with emily.com. we've got a great store. They ask questions, and you guys could find out together. But in my experience, she likely doesn't know what she needs or has enough experience with her body to be able to ask for it. And, and that's just the majority of humans on the planet. So that would make sense. I don't think that she's probably withholding from you. Another great thing is, you know, I hope she masturbates. I hope everybody practices self loving. But if she hasn't yet masturbated or she's, you know, doesn't really know her own body, she only knows her body in relation to another human, that can also be challenging because maybe in her past relationship her partners, they took all the control. So she actually really doesn't have the language. So maybe some mutual masturbation would be hot. Do you know mutual masturbation is one of the top searched sex terms? Definitely on our site because we talk about it a lot. It's like, of course they do. It's the fucking best. You're like, you know you're going to get off. You're learning from your partner what feels good to them. Maybe you get each other off, you switch hands, you get them off, they get you off. But you're, you just. It's a sure thing and it's a great learning tool. Amanda on my team says she's played sexual chess. Hot. You don't have to buy a sex game, just use the things you have around the home. Amanda, what was that? Tell me whose idea.

I love Amanda's next life.

Thank you. It's taken years to cultivate, but so the different pieces represent different things. So like we were also playing it with like wine. So like ponds where like you have to sip the wine or something. But then other things were like remove a piece of clothing or you have to do this to me or I have to do this to you. And we, we did set a time limit on it because some of it was like hand stuff or oral stuff. So we had like one of those.

Timers, egg timer or whatever.

Yeah, like, I think part of the fun too is not letting it actually like turn into sex, but like forcing yourself to get back to the game.

It's edging. It's like an edging game because you have to stand. I love this idea because that's what we all know too. When you prolong arousal and desire, like you're not allowed to by the rules to actually get into the sex, but you're teasing for as long as the alarm's two minutes or a minute and then you have to stop. I want to play that game.

I think what happens is sex is fun in our minds. Like growing up, we're like, sex is going to Be the best. When I'm an adult, I. I'm just going to have the sex all the time. You know, it's like looking forward to get your driver's license, which actually is pretty awesome when you get your driver's license when you turn 16. It was the best day of my life having sex. Not the best day of my life. It's a huge letdown. Having sex is not what it's cracked up to be. And I think it's actually never meets the hype of what it is when you've never had it unless you do the work that we do here. And now. Sex is, is. I get it. That incredible sex is better than almost anything on the planet. But so many of us aren't there because we never learned how to get there. Let's make sex fun again. Are you in? Let's talk to Our female caller, 51 in Arizona. Hi, thanks for calling.

Oh, hi, Emily. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm fine.

Thanks for calling.

I just have a question. Yeah, thank you. I enjoy your show. I was just thinking, I'm 51 and I've been married to my husband for 25 years, and things have changed a little bit physically as far as both of our physical, you know, we both gained a few pounds. Not, not anything crazy, but. And things got a little stale and I think I'm going through menopause. I'm not sure. And my pubic hair is gray and I'm so, like, embarrassed by it.

That happens. Yeah. Could you shave it? You could dye it or shave it. Those are your options.

I tried to dye it once, and it was just.

What about just waxing it?

I'm not sure.

Or embrace it or just say, you know what? My pubic hair is great, but if it doesn't make you feel sexy, go get it wax, get it waxed, trim it, shave it, or just. Yeah, I mean, that's, that's really, that's. That's really what you do. And have you ever had it all removed before?

No, never.

I mean, you might like it. When I first started doing that, I, like, years ago, I got like the Brazilian wax. Where do you live? Arizona. Yeah. Go into a medic, go into a spa and get it. It's you. There's different ways you can do it, and it might even be less painful right now. I mean, it is kind of painful at first, but they take all the hair off and it's really, really smooth and, and it can feel really good. You can, because there's so many nerve endings on our vulva, the exterior part of our vagina, that there might be more access. And you might realize that he can sort of with oral sex and using some lube, it might feel good. It might be a little change or diet. There's like, I wish there was a magic bullet for it. Either accept it.

Trying to go down there, and I'm like, no. Don't know. No.

So either you embrace it and you're like, yep. You don't even say anything. This is who I am. Or you try something new and see how that feels because it grows back.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

Give it a whirl.

Okay, let me know how it goes. I'm dying to know now how you think if I've never having done it. Okay, thanks.

Let me know.

Thank you.

Of course I'm here for you. I got you. I got you. I mean, really, there's nothing. I wish. I wish there was something you could do when your hair turns gray, but there isn't. It's embrace it, dye it, shave everything. That's what you do. It's true. Even with your whisker for 25 years, there's still stuff to work on. There's still those issues, you know, I think you're 25 years together, you'd be like, oh, look how cute you have gray hair. Remember, it's all what we want. Like, what makes us feel sexy. If she's not allowing her partner to go down on her and she enjoys that, then I'm saying, okay, either embrace it or take it off and see how that feels. Because no matter what age we're at, I think that there's things that make us really insecure and prevent us from having the sex that we want. And the sooner we can kind of unpack those and realize that what we're worrying about, what we're stressed about, is not gonna upset our partner. Likely, it's mostly our own judgments about our.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will, too. We release two to three episodes a week. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you want to ask me a question about sex, dating, or relationships, you can email me feedback, sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex. And you can check out our guides at sex with emily.com guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails because hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedbacksexwithemily.com.

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