Hotline Calls: Why Can’t I Orgasm?

The great news about orgasm is that a lot of the problems we have around orgasm has to do with our own selves, with our mind, with our stress trauma, shame spiral that we have in our head. Like, that's the loop that's keeping you from pleasure.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual. Question for you. How's your orgasm lately? Do you wish it was more intense, more frequent, more predictable with a partner? Well, listen, orgasms, they don't have to be a thing of mystery. And, well, that's why today's call in show is devoted to all things O. First up, she fears a loss of control while climaxing. What's her partner going to think? What if her neighbor's here? Well, this derails arousal altogether. So how can she relax and stay present? Another caller. Well, he's fit, he's athletic. He's got a girlfriend who loves sex.

So what's the problem?

Well, it takes him a long time to finish, maybe too long. What to do? Finally, another one of our callers has a question. When you're with a partner who loves giving you oral, but it's not exactly getting you there, what gives? What's going on? Well, I answer these questions and and more from our brave live callers. And let me say this. I love our caller shows. So if you would like me to answer your question on the show, you can just go to sexwithemily.com askemily. You can call our hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. I really love talking to you and helping you take that next step in your sex life. Okay, it's a good time. Let's talk.

All right.

Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. And I encourage you all to do the same. My intention is to give you a more comprehensive understanding of your orgasm so that you feel confident enough to unlock your full pleasure potential. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. And check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips, tips, and advice. All right, everyone, Enjoy this episode.

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We have Heather, 29, in New York City. Thank you so much for calling in. Tell me everything. How can I help you?

So I wanted to write in because I just feel like I've come to a point where I can admit that I have some control and some shame around finishing when I masturbate. I have a cute little vibrator that I use. It's pretty regular. Getting started is not a problem for me. But it seems to be when that finish line comes into the horizon, somehow I get really freaked out and I get all of the what ifs, you know, what if I'm loud or make a noise that sounds funny, make a mess. You know, I live in the city. What if my neighbors hear me and just allowing myself to experience pleasure for pleasure sake, almost. So it's. I can get 80% of the way there and can't quite seem to get those final pieces in the place.

Yeah. Wow. Totally understand that. That is so hard. You're like, I'm trying. And now it's like, what's going on? Well, what I like what you said though is there's a lot to unpack here because first I get, I think it's great that you know yourself that you're calling in for this because we're going to Help you here. First thing is that you said you have some shame. Maybe it's some early messaging or. Do you know what that shame message is?

Yeah, I think that's where that, that pleasure element comes in. Because I think the messaging that I grew up with was you have to earn it, you have to earn pleasure, you have to earn play. There has to be a purpose to it. And so as an adult, it's been very interesting to unpack that and figure out in every area of my life, where does pleasure exist. And especially when it comes to sex and being in a relationship, being able to be okay or at least trying to, you know, experiment and explore and learn that about myself.

That's so it, right? Our culture is such a get shit done culture. Right? Like we gotta like everything that we do. We have to, there has to be some reward or doing it for a purpose or it doesn't feel, you know, that we deserve it. Right. Pleasure actually is productive. The more pleasure we have, the more it's gonna help every area of our life. So hopefully you know that, but you also know that you have this battle in your head. So that's the one thing. And this is just for everyone to realize that like we deserve pleasure, pleasure's our birthright. We don't need to put conditions on when we are deserving of pleasure. So the more we can look at our lives and look at our weeks and think like, where am I putting pleasure into my life went to this week or this day, you'll start to realize that you do deserve it and how much better you feel in all the areas of your life. So that's one thing, just intellectually knowing that. And so it sounds like it's more like in your head, like when you're have these fears like about making noise, about letting go. Like you said, that's your kind of your issue is letting go. And so in those moments, do you know what? Because like our mind and our body are so connected. Have you ever done any practice around meditation or breathing breath work?

I have tried and maybe it's something I need to revisit.

In this case, I'm telling you, it is a game changer when it comes to anxiety and anxious thoughts that are keeping us from being present in the bedroom, even with ourselves. And so even practicing outside of the bedroom, breath has been shown to help facilitate orgasm, to help calm our nervous system. We have anxious racing thoughts. And when we're in the bedroom and we're worried, am I going to be loud? Is someone going to walk in Is this wrong? Do I look weird? All the things it helps reset brings you back to the moment when you breathe so you can focus on what you're feeling at the moment. The good news here is this is all a mind thing. This is not like you can't orgasm. You're an orgasmic. It just means that you haven't orgasmed yet. Do you get to the point, like, where it feels really, really good? Is that the point, like, you feel like you're about to orgasm and then you just stop?

Yeah. I don't know if I get excited or anxious, like, oh, my gosh, is this day? Is this the time? Like, is this going to happen? Is everything going to be right or go right? And I think all of a sudden, I'm the one who's p. Something that own breaks for myself. Because I'm like, I have to label it. This is the thing. This is the thing that I've been trying to achieve.

Wow. So the practice of meditation is not labeling and it's letting go. So another thing could be, like, do you ever do any fantasizing or any listening to erotica, like, having something else going on that could kind of help connect you think about something while you're also in your body so you're not just kind of getting caught up in something else rather than your thoughts?

Yeah. So most of the time, I listen to or watch porn. Belisa is a recent kind of watch for me, which has been great. So the auditory thing is really important and really helpful for me. My partner is really supportive, and basically anything that I would want to do, he would be into and encouraging of. I have to figure out what I'm into or what I'm. I want to step out of my comfort zone for.

I love that you have a partner that knows, and I am a big fan of figuring all this out on our own if we can, and then bringing it to a partner. But maybe you could do a little mixture of both. You could say, like, this is what I learned yesterday, or this is what I learned last time. But maybe this touch would work. Like, let's try something new so each time you bring it in. Because maybe there'll be something in that collaboration with your partner when you're together that might actually help you let go, too, if you're with somebody that you trust. So what I would practice with, the tools I would use is first just saying, like, it doesn't have to be so black and white. Like, it has to be on my own and that you're going to Let your partner know. So the process of figuring this out could look like it's both of you going back and forth. But the other tools in your toolkit that I would like you to have for this would be breathing. Like I said, definitely using some lube. I mean, we should always use lube in every sexual situation. And do you ever do any kegel exercises? Like, do you know doing a kegel is when you squeeze and relax your pelvic floor. It's like, it's those pee stopping muscles that are responsible for the flow of urine. So. So those muscles are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. Other thing I was going to say to you is practicing moaning. I feel like maybe you're very probably silent during sex. And when we hold our breath, it's almost like we're in fight or flight. So when you're in fight or flight during sex, you're not breathing, you're being quiet and your body's tense. So when I'm giving you these tools of like breathing, like practicing moaning, that's something you can do on your own because again, that's all of a releasing. That's an outward motion. You're pushing your energy out, so you're kind of o blocking yourself.

I. I love. Thank you. Yeah. Any advice at this point? I was like, please, I'm just going to write in and maybe they'll see it, maybe not, but at least I did it.

I'm so glad. Well, I thank. I hope that this does help you and I think this also will help so many others listening because we all do. We all get in our heads from time to time. But you're going to learn to get out of it. But it just helps to like kind of calm yourself either before during just getting the practice of breathing and letting go. That's the opposite of the control and practicing with a loving partner, which you have.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you so much. Of course.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate you. Thanks for calling. All right. The practice of letting go, that is how an orgasm happens. Because the opposite of that is being controlled and being tense and being tight. And we're not going to have any fun when that happens. So that's why I love the practice of breathing and meditating. And just like it's the opposite of tension, it's the opposite of control is letting go. I understand that's what we need for an orgasm, and you probably understand that too. So the great news about orgasm is that a lot of the problems we have around orgasm has to do with our own selves, with our mind, with our stress trauma, shame spiral that we have in our head. Like, that's the loop that's keeping you from pleasure. It's ourselves. But how great is that? How great is it to know that the one thing keeping you from having the most sex and having the most pleasure is actually in your control? I think that's very comforting. Just do a little breathing, little meditating, a few minutes a day, and then start practicing in the bedroom. Better yet, practice with a partner. Take a few deep breaths, grounding breaths with your partner before you start to have sex, before you even start to connect, or if you're feeling unsettled or and you're on different pages with your partner, you can turn to them and say, what if we take three deep breaths right now? It'll change your whole world. So try some of that. And then let me know how your orgasms go. Calling from Colorado, we have Brent, and he's 63. How you doing? How can I help you? What's going on?

I'm 63, old, male. I'm really healthy, fit and active. Have a wonderful girlfriend. We have a great relationship, great sex relationship, but it just takes me a really long time to orgasm. That's kind of been coming on for a while, but it seems like it's gotten longer and longer and longer now. It's just too long as you get.

Older because we know, like, it just, it does change over time. But you said you are in testosterone replacement. So how was it, like 20 years years ago? Tell me how it's changed.

20 years ago. It was nothing that I noticed. I wouldn't have thought of this as any problem 20 years ago. I'd say kind of maybe since, you know, late 50s, into my 60s, it just started taking a little longer and a little longer until now. It's like, takes really long and it's time and effort and it gets into my head a little bit too. So that, that's a complicating factor.

So what happens right now? Like, walk me through it. So you're, are you having penetrative sex and you just, you're not able to orgasm? Are you getting oral sex? Like, what's happening where you're like, it's just not going to happen?

Well, we have a fairly varied sex life. We have penetrative sex and oral sex and we use some toys sometimes. We kind of have a lot of variety and it seems like kind of regardless, it takes a long time.

Okay, what kind of toys are you using? Because toys can Be great for penis owners to stimulate everywhere, actually. The shaft tip, the frenulin, the balls, that can really help. Like, a higher setting on a vibrator could help stimulate those nerve endings because really it's blood flow. So what we're trying to do is get that blood flow moving so you're able to ejaculate.

Now, I do take Cialis and I wonder if that has any effect on delaying orgasm.

Cialis can definitely have an effect on delaying orgasm. Are you taking Cialis every time?

Yeah.

You know, Cialis is kind of made for daily dosing. I don't always take it daily, but yeah, I pretty much take it prior to sex.

Yeah. Did you start taking it because you were having challenges around erection?

Yeah, my sexual response is just not what it used to be. I'm. I don't have any, like, physical problems of being unable to get an erection. It's just the sexual response is not the same.

But if you're getting erections and you probably don't need the Cialis because the Cialis helps men who are having more problems with erection. Erectile challenges.

You know, I can wake up in the morning with a full hard erection, but it seems like my sexual response doesn't quite always go that far.

You mean your response to ejaculate, you mean.

No, when I like to get aroused for sex.

I see.

So it happens in the morning, but it's not happening on demand when you want it to. So you are having. Got it. So you are having some challenges around it. So that's why you're taking the sales. But will it happen, like, eventually? Like again? Like, do you ever. Maybe you could just experiment. You have a girlfriend. I'm sure you're. Hopefully you're very open talking to her.

Oh, sure.

She knows that. She's here listening to our.

Oh, I love it. Hello, girlfriend. I feel like there's just some fun ways because I think that it's, you know, hey, let me just say this. It's really hard as we get older to realize, like, our body is not doing what we want to do anymore. And I know for men, I mean, and for women, but I'll say with men, like, it can be really, like, hard and shameful and be like, this is my penis and it's not working the way I want to. So we're like, I'm just going to take a pill and. But maybe there's a way with your girlfriend you could take some time off from the. Or just try a day or two and say, see if even if you are not hard at the beginning, she could kind of work on getting you harder with her mouth with a toy. There's like, strokers that you could use for masturbation or mutual masturbation, or she could use it on. Use that. They vibrate. They, like, wrap around your penis like a. Kind of like a hot dog bun. There's also, like, rings that vibrate that can feel. They can put at the base of your penis that helps stimulate blood flow and help with erection. Right.

Which we have used, actually.

Okay, great. You've used those. How about. Have you ever had any? So how was that when you used a vibrating ring?

You know, I don't know that it made any big difference. It sure felt good to both of us.

Well, that's good. Well, what about Brett? Have you tried at all, Eddie?

Prostate toys?

Yes, and that's something that I really like. And yeah, we do do that.

Okay, well, that, I think helps many a man prostate play. Using a toy or a finger or even a butt plug can feel incredible. And you could still have your orgasm. It takes the pressure off of the erection. So maybe you want to play more in that area. You know, I do think the Cialis is going to have that side effect. So that's probably why you're not able to orgasm at all. That's why I was asking you, because for some men, it's lifelong. Like, they've always kind of been a delayed ejaculator and just kind of as they get older, they become even more and more delayed. But it sounds like this is just more recent. And so I would say try it without the stylus and see if you can build towards your own arousal and start to understand it together with a loving partner.

Okay. Which I definitely do have.

Yes, it sounds like it. And have fun and play with lubes and get toys for her and watch porn or role play. Just, like, take the pressure off of yourself. I would love you just both to take the pressure off of orgasm. And when we kind of move the attention from orgasm to exploration and play, you might just find that the, you know, ejaculation is going to happen on its own.

Very good. Thank you for the.

You're so welcome.

Have a great night.

Have fun tonight.

Bye now.

Thanks for calling. Bye. God, we all put so much pressure on ourselves to, like, orgasm. Get hard, get wet. The more pressure we take off ourselves and the more we feel into our body and breathe and think about, like, what do I. What feels good to be in the moment? How can I communicate to this partner? How can I connect with my partner right now and get out of my head? I think that we're all likely to have way more pleasure that way. I know this. And yeah, as we get older, and I don't just mean in your 60s, like your sex in your 30s is different than your 20s. Right? And so every decade, your sex life is going to change. We have hormonal changes and just be willing to kind of look at like, what does it look like now? What does it look like now at this point in my life? What does it look like with my partner? And how can we continue to support each other, have healthy communication around it and continue to play and grow together?

After the break, I'll be speaking with callers all about their orgasms and how to have more.

So stay tuned.

We're taking a quick detour from today's episode for our holiday gift guide Spotlight. This week I'm joined by Suki Dunham, who is a wife, mother two, and.

Co founder of oh My Vod, a.

Brand leader in the sex tech revolution. Here she is telling me some of her favorite products to stuff your stocking with this holiday season. Suki, you were one of my first guests on the show 17 years ago. We had never met before. You called in and it was late at night. You were on the east coast, it was snowing. I was doing a live show. I remember you were like on the side of the road and I had to have you on my show because you are such an innovator. You in the sex tech space, you had created the first oh my bod. That was the music connected to your ipod and it was revolutionary. Welcome to the show. First off, I'm very excited to reminisce about that and your company just continue to grow and been such an innovator in the field.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's been a fun ride. If you would have asked me when I was 20 years old or graduating from college, what do you think you'll be doing when you're 54? I would not have told you that I would be making sex tech vibrators. That wouldn't have been my answer by any means. But it's been a really fun journey.

Let's talk about the holiday season because you have so many incredible products happening at oh my baba. I was like, what's a top stocking stuffer?

Definitely our app connected pleasure products. Sex tech tech enabled pleasure products is where we got our start. So we created the first music driven vibrator connecting to an ipod and now, of course, we have Bluetooth enabled toys where you can be in L. A and your partner can be in New York or China or London or wherever they are on the planet. And you can play remotely. I think those offer up some great fun ways to play with your partner. Of course, you don't have to be miles apart. Blue Motion series is the name of our Bluetooth enabled vibes. And we have a Panty vibe.

People always ask me like, what's a great couple's toy? What's a really fun toy? And I think this is the ultimate. And you guys did this so well. So whenever people like Panty Vibe, I'm like, you guys nailed it. So we talk about this for a minute. Yes.

Thank you so much. Basically, the app offers the users a bunch of ways to play. So when you launch our app, you can use built in vibration patterns. Sure. But then there are all these exciting ways. We have a functionality called Cloud Club vibe. So Club vibe really goes to the heart of where oh my God started, where it will bring in ambient sound. So if you're at a club, a concert, a cocktail party, it'll bring in the ambient sound and vibrate so you can be out in public if you chose to do public play. Also, we have access or music mode, so you can use your music library. You can also, of course, a lot of people don't even use a music library anymore. Ours works with Spotify. There are all these great playlists out there. We even have some oh my bod inspired playlists out there on Spotify if you want to search for that.

So basically what we're saying is it would be my underwear. Maybe there's some music going on, some ambient sound and it just starts to vibrate to that whatever setting I have it on. Or my partner could also be controlling it on his phone with the app.

Something else that's unique to us actually is we actually have a watch Apple. Let's assume that your partner is controlling it. It will vibrate to their heartbeat. So as your partner's heart rate increases, they get more excited. Your vibrator will go faster. So it's kind of like this really cool connection between you and your partner.

So then you have the next two, which is the G Spot vibe, and then the next three for another couple's toy, which I always love to recommend this time of year is the penis.

Ring and that has the same functionality. So what I love about the ring and what I had been wanting for quite a while when we first launched. Oh my God. Was this ability to listen to your music with your partner and the vibe. Vibe to the beat, Right? And so with a penis ring, it's great because you're having sex. You've got your sexy playlist going, so you're both vibing to the same music. I think that's the coolest because we all are. Many of us listen to music while we're having sex. So it just makes complete and utter sense to have this couple's ring. The idea with the extended touch design is that you can be moving because that's what you do when you're having sex, but it's still maintaining the connection to the clitoris.

People love the idea of a cock ring. That's just novel. It vibrates. If you're with a heterosexual couple, like, clitoris needs stimulation. But a lot of them just fall short because you're losing contact. This way, the clitoris is happy, the penis happy, the clitoris is getting enough stimulation. It's brilliant. Yeah.

We're always about solving problems. You know, you look at a product, you're like, okay, well, this is cool, but it could be a little bit better if it actually was touching the right part of my body the entire time.

Yeah, exactly. This is not just some company pumping out toys like, you guys put a lot of heart and soul and care and design behind all of your products. So I think that's really special. I've talked about this in the past. What I just love about the Love Life, the Rev, is that it's the figure vibe, too. So it's so playful. And I also love your intention behind it.

Love Life Rev came about because I'm now in the 50 plus club, and I started to recognize kind of a little bit of ageism that happens as it relates to sex. Right. It's just like, just because you're older doesn't mean you don't love sex or enjoy it or want it and all that great stuff. So I decided that it'd be nice to address community of, like, an aging population. I call it the AARP vibe. But of course, it works for everybody. But what's different about it is, is that it slides over your finger with two fingers, actually, like a ring. And the idea behind that is somebody who has arthritis or they can't hold a vibe that this product doesn't need to be held right. It also has one button control. Easy to control one button. And then the instruction manual was set up for somebody who's a little bit older because it's in larger type face print. So I Don't need my readers to figure out how to use this. For other people that are interested in this product, what's great about it is being able to be worn on the finger. It's a great what I call reach.

Around vibe because you don't have to.

Hold it, it's just on your fingers right there. And it's also great for oral play.

I just love a finger vibe too, no matter what your age, because it's so versatile that you can wear it almost anywhere. You could even like put it around your penis. You could use it when I like, give my partner massage. Sometimes I'll just like use it all over their body. You're like in control of where the vibration goes. What's your best seller?

Definitely our Cuddle and Cuddle Mini. Those are standbys. Those are kind of like super standbys. We just sell a whole lot of them. The Love Life Cuddle performs incredibly well because of its size. It's not too big, it's not too small. It's got a nice rumbling motor in it and it's actually stiff. So it allows you to place great pressure against the G spot area. So it's a G spot vibe. It's an award winning design. So it won a red dot design award when we launched it. The packaging for the whole Love Life collection also won a packaging award. So it's a great gifting.

It is a great gifting. And I love that it has a mini now.

Yes. The mini actually came about. You know, we listen to what our customers say. Obviously we're not. We don't design in a bubble. And customer said they love the cuddle but they'd love to have like a travel version of it. So that's how Cuddle Mini came about. And it's a smaller version. I think it's a great beginner's toy.

Everything that you were doing Suki at oh Mybod is so well done. And I really disrespect you and your company and the toys that you're making with so much care and heart and passion. What can people do for the holidays?

So we are actually running a really great Black Friday Cyber Monday sale. It's 30% off site wide. And beyond that, you get a free Love Life Discover, which is like a small, petite travel vibe with every purchase. And this is November 23rd through November 29th.

Everybody gets a free vibe and 30 off.

Yes. So we're making it extra rich. The code is Black Cyber that Cyber 30 to get your free love life Discover and your 30% off.

Thank you so much, Suki, for everything you're doing and I look forward to talking to you soon. Thank you for having me on.

It's been a blast.

That was this week's holiday gift guide Spotlight.

For more holiday shopping inspiration, be sure.

To check out my sexiest gift guide ever. Emily's picks for 2022 holidays at sex with emily.com.

All right, we have brooke. There are 30 calling from Georgia. So nice to see you. Tell me what's going on.

Hi. So just to start off a little backstory, I came out four and a half years ago. I don't really have a label for myself, but I identify as queer if someone asks. But I mainly been dating women. So since I came out, definitely had a lot of self discovery and growth along the way. So that's been great. Been very focused on being the most empowered, truest version of myself. And part of that, of course, has been self discovery with my sexuality and sex. And one thing I've discovered along the way is that I can orgasm with vibrators or a shower head. But I haven't ever been able to orgasm with touch or oral or especially penetration. And especially when it comes to penetration. Fingers or anything are very uncomfortable if that downright painful for me. So my question is kind of twofold. I feel a little self conscious and weird because I feel like kind of like a one trick pony with. I'm glad I found something that makes me feel good. But my question is how can I broaden my horizons a little bit and then within that, what can I do to make penetration a little bit more comfortable and explore that? Because I feel like I'm missing out on something a little bit by not exploring.

That totally makes sense. I understand that. Thank you for sharing all of that. Yeah, I get it. It's like everything that we see about sex is like you shouldn't have to use a toy. You should be able to like orgasm during penetration, all these things. I think that the main thing is first knowing that it's okay that that's how you orgasm. Some people will only orgasm with toys or with a shower head or with something else. But really it's a process of just like spending time on your own, doing a little bit of like mindful masturbation, really just paying attention to and I don't know if you've spent this time on your own masturbating and just really like thinking like what? And actually feeling more than thinking, but exploring your body. Like what does it actually feel like when I touch Myself, and I don't go right inside or I don't go right for the clitoris, but I'm actually exploring, like, my fingers and the light touch over my clitoris, externally, over my labia, my inner thighs, my outer thighs, and just start to, like, tease yourself and really breathe and think, like, what touch actually feels good to me. And, like, let it build without the goal of orgasm, with the goal of just exploration. So what's been your practice with masturbation on your own?

I think, like, a lot of people and I've heard this, you know, from other people on your podcast, I get.

A little in a rut of a.

Mindset of, like, okay, like, let's get this done and move on to the next thing on my day. So just getting the vibrator out, and I know that's going to work, like, pretty fast. And so when I try to take the time to be mindful and just explore touch, I have a hard time focusing on that and not letting my mind wander to my to do list or everything else going on in life.

Oh, my God. We can all relate to that, right? I mean, I think that is the problem. Like, we don't have anything in our culture that's teaching us how to be present, right? You have to, like, work on mindfulness. You gotta, like, start a meditation practice or breath work, which is what I've been talking about, which is what I've been doing for a long time, but it's still hard to do. But that is the magic. Like, that's where we're gonna learn to keep bringing our attention back to the moment when your mind is wandering, coming back to, what am I feeling? What am I feeling? So that's how you're going to learn, I think, to have more pleasure in that way. You could also edge yourself. You could use the vibrator and say, I'm going to use the vibrator to get myself, like, going. Because what it's doing is we have so many nerve writings with like 8, 000 nerve endings. And so why vibrators are spectacular is because a lot of those nerve endings are sort of tucked inside or they're just sort of. You can't access them all at any given moment. You can't access them all at once. But a vibrator does that for you. So you could sort of play with just like a little stimulation and then removing it and putting your fingers on, like, start touching yourself and then put it back. And so we call it edging or like teasing yourself and start to Build the orgasm on your own. And I don't think it should be so binary. Like, oh, I used a vibrator. I didn't. Like, maybe you do a little bit of both. There is a lot more to learn, but you're have to, like, kind of play with what you're already doing to sort of expand and know that there's like. There's definitely going to be other ways for you to be turned on. Like using a vibrator on your nipples while you're touching your clitoris. Because those. Your clitoris and your nipples actually both stimulate the same regions of your brain, sensing the same regions of your brain are responsible for both of those sensations. So they're connected. So maybe you find that that feels really good too. And so I just think it's a practice saying, like, I'm going to spend 15, 20 minutes a week or 30 minutes, and I'm just going to, like, try this as a practice. So I would. I know it's not fun, it's not a quick fix, but that is the process. So that's one thing.

Yeah. Not be so focused on orgasm, like, results focused. So that's got to be the end result, right?

It is. It has to be. Because then that's how you learn. And I've had to, you know, over time I've had to do the same things. I was just like a headache, quiet person. But then I, like, learned, like, oh, I really started to pay attention and feel as like, oh, my upper left quadrant of my clitoris is a little more sensitive than the lower one. And then when I'm with a partner, I can. I now know that this is the way I need to be touched. But, like, that took practice of me figuring out or being with a partner who was like, going slow with me while I figured it out. I figured out things with people without people. So that's one thing. But the other thing I would say too is tell me about the pain you're experiencing with penetration.

Yeah.

Basically just even with any kind of, like, shallow, like, internal stimulation, I just am so overly tight and it just feels so uncomfortable. And if I, you know, on my own or with a partner try to go any deeper than that, it actually just starts hurting. And so I feel like it's. It's just very, very tight. And I also at this point have a huge mental block against it that it's not going to feel good. So I don't know if there's something medically going on there. I mean, I don't have, like, major Trauma or anything in my past that is leading to that, that I know of.

I'm glad you're bringing this up, too, because it actually is really common for women to feel this tightness and really just be about your nerve endings and the way your genetics. It could be because you're holding some kind of tension in there that you don't even know that you're doing. It's essentially the tight pelvic floor. And so what I recommend is seeing, finding a pelvic floor physical therapist in your area, and you might have something called vulvodynia or vaginismus. Vaginismus is when anything inside of a vagina feels tight. It could be like a tampon, a finger, a penis, a toy, and it just. It hurts. And so now, yes, as a result of you having pain, you probably do wince every time something comes in because it's. You're protecting yourself. And so the practice of going to a pelvic floor physical therapist for many, many vulva owners is helpful, and they have different exercises and practices is that they use to help kind of diagnose what's going on. But it could be something else, too. But typically that's what it is. And what I've seen such great success for women who have had so much pain throughout their lives, and they go see a pelvic floor physical therapist six times or three times, and then they no longer have any pain, if that is what it is, then you'll have now more access to your entire vaginal area. Because I can imagine that another challenge around orgasm is that you have this pain, because, remember, they're all related. Our internal muscles are related to our external muscles. Our clitoris has legs that extend deep inside behind our vulva. So if you're having tightness and pain, it's sort of restricting those nerve endings and perhaps even blood flow. And blood flow is what's responsible for orgasm. So if you're, like, tensing because it hurts and then restricting blood flow, there just could be a lot of things like that going on. So breath work is going to help you learn to breathe, which I always think is important. Important that kind of helps move things. And then seeing if someone can help you like that, because I think that'll help you with everything else.

Yeah, Actually, I have a friend of a friend. I know someone who's a pt, and she's telling me, oh, I have a friend who specializes in that. So, funny enough, that just came up the other day, so I can look into that in my area.

Definitely Check it out. I mean, I have to say just in the last four or five years, that we really are. That there's more people being trained to become a fellow fourth physical therapist that we've been talking about it no more, which I love, but it could really help you. And I did a great episode a few years ago with a woman named Heather Jeffcoat, and we can put that in the show notes. But in the episode, she's been on the show a few times and she's a physical therapist, and she talks all about this. We actually identify the different kinds of vaginal pain that women go through because it's really, really common. And you really. You don't have to. Don't have to live your life like this. You really don't.

Sounds good. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. Thank you for calling. I really appreciate it. Take it.

It was great meeting you.

You, too.

Such a great resource for me. So just the last couple years, you and some other resources is. I wish I would have discovered them sooner, but, you know, better late than never. So really appreciate it.

I'm so glad we could be there for you. Really. Keep on your own journey. Keep doing the work. It's so interesting. Like, 80% of women experience pain during sex at some point in their life. And some women experience it all the time. Like, every time they have sex, they have pain, but yet we don't talk about it. They feel like they have to silently suffer through it, but you do not have to silently suffer through it. And you might not know where to go in your community, because, I got to be honest, I love that we're getting our checkups and our Pap smears and going to our gynecologist. But they are not always the most trained and the most educated on what a vulva needs in some of these cases. And so I just want to remind you all that since we have to be our own best advocates and we have to find somebody who specializes in women's health, maybe they specialize in hormonal health, a lot of the pain that we're experiencing can do with hormones.

There's just.

There's a lot of things that can be going on and lessons. We don't know where to turn. So I love when you come to me and you check out the show and our resources and also be searching in your community, too, for doctors who are specialized in the area of your concern. Now we have Dave. He's 59. He's calling from Olympia, Washington. How can I help you today? Tell me what's going on?

So when I sent in a request, I guess, to talk to you because I was really struggling with something, I could not come from a blowjob. It was very serious. And I would be trying to not overthink it and not relax enough. And finally, about two weeks ago, my girlfriend and I, we got past that. It was unbelievable. She was extremely happy a couple times since then now, so it's been, oh, you know, yeah, love it. And I talked to her about it, and we have a very good discussion about sex. I'm 59, she's 52. We've been dating for almost four months, and we have a lot of fun. We're very open and discussing, you know, what we like, what I like, what she doesn't like. And I think that's very important. You know, like you're saying communication is lubrication. It works.

Yeah.

In the conversations we had about it, I was like, this is just driving me crazy. And I started thinking, I thought was possibly because I was married for 30 years, and in that 30 year period, and this is a true statement, I never once received a blowjob from my wife.

Wow.

Yeah. I mean, she would play around and it wasn't her thing. And, you know, her mom taught her that was bad. And I had had plenty of that happen in high school and before I got married. And then after I was married, I started looking for that and I would find someone and I could complete the mission, so to say, in a car, you know, at her house or whatever, and then go about my merry way, which, again, is not right. I'll never be that guy again. But, you know, you do the things that you do.

Yeah, absolutely. I get it. We all, you know, now, hopefully, yeah, you're in a relationship where you're talking about sex, which is what you weren't doing, we weren't able to do. Or you chose a partner who wasn't able to talk about sex or grow sexually, which is. Is what a lot of us have done. So now we're on the next chapter of your life.

I'm happy. You know, it's funny is I was on a couple of dating apps, and those are hit or miss. You meet some people, that's all they want. Or you meet some people, they want a relationship out of it. And I had recently gotten out of a relationship and I wasn't really looking for a relationship, but I met a young lady who is amazing and I don't want to let her go. So I am doing everything I can to keep her with me. And it's been really good. I mean, it's not perfect. Everybody's, you know, you know, that goes.

Perfect relationship doesn't exist.

It doesn't exist. But. But the biggest things are, is talking about stuff and not, you know, allowing yourself to get stuck walking on eggshells or even a little direction. But never in the bedroom.

Like you say, never in the bedroom. Like, I want everyone. Like this should be everyone's message. If you are dating anyone else here, having sex with somebody, talk to them about sex today. Because it doesn't get easier. Right? And so, yeah, I mean, you do the things that you did, and you know why. And it sounds like you're with a mature partner who wants to please you. And the thing that was keeping everyone was your thoughts in your head. I think it's common. I do hear from men, they're like, why can't I orgasm during a blow job? Like, this is why we're here on Earth. It's supposed to be the best thing in the world. Like, how could there be a problem? But again, a lot of us are in our heads thinking about the past, thinking in the future. And when we're in the past, we're in the future. We can't be present, and we're not present. We're. We're not going to have the most pleasure we can have. So somehow she was able to help you out here.

I've been around the block, so everybody has, you know, different things. This is the first girl I've been with. It like, she's really into, like, dirty talk, and I haven't quite processed that yet. You know, that's a very. That's a new thing for me because that was a, you know, totally verboten with my wife and my last girlfriend, like, new. But something that happened with us together, which was, I thought was interesting.

She's.

She said that she's never been able to come with a penis alone. I did that. And I was like, yeah, you know, that's cool. Yeah, that's huge.

Yeah, huge. I mean, that's common too. You know, a lot of women only like. Well, you've been listening. You know that only like 20 of women who do orgasm with the penis. So that's amazing. She's able.

Or they. Or they fake it. Like, you know, you talk or they fake it.

Yes, I did all the things too. I. Yeah, I did all the faking. So it sounds like you're in a really healthy relationship. The one that you. You've been preparing for your Whole life.

I'm gonna marry this girl, I swear to God. Not. Maybe not for a year or two, but you never know.

Take it slow. Oh, I'm so glad. So now you're in this relationship, it's been four months, and you say you're gonna marry her, which does make me a little nervous, because in four months, like, I want you to go slow, and I want you to get married yet. But is there another area, like, sexually, like, is there something that you still feel like you want to? Is there a fantasy or something you've been wanting to try that you're like. But I could never say that, because then I would challenge you maybe to have that conversation with her tonight.

So I took a girl two, three years ago to a swingers club in Seattle, and that was a lot of fun. That was. That was an eye opener. I'd never been to one of those before, and I got laid three times that night. It was crazy fun. And I've discussed that with her. I've said, hey, just so you know, this is things that I've done. Is that something that you interest you? She goes, you know, it'd be kind of cool to go up there and watch, but I don't want anybody but you. And I'm like, no, no. I'm not talking about swapping. I'm not talking just to go experience that. So I think that's something that we're worked on a little bit.

She's.

We talked about some. I don't want to use the word rough play, but rougher. You know, I've grabbed her hands a couple times and held up overhead, and she just. Just gushes. So that's kind of cool.

Okay.

Yeah. All right, good. Well, I'm glad you're having these conversations. It's good. Have you guys done the yes, no. Maybe listen on our site that.

No, we need to do that with her.

Do that. People love the yes and maybe list because then it just has all the things on there, and then that starts a new conversation about where you want to go next. So. And then we, you know, we have episodes on everything that you want to try, so you can just kind of listen together and explain.

I've gone back to 2021, I think, and listen to a couple of years and like, wow, I missed that one. You had one about. Had one about oral sex. That was pretty interesting. Not too long back then in April, I think, of 2021.

Wow.

Yeah.

Damn, I wish I'd listened to that one before. So that's good.

That's why they're there and they're pretty evergreen. We've got oral, we got anal, we got kink, we got all the things for you. Well, thank you for your call. I appreciate you.

I'm so glad.

I tell you, I really enjoy your show. I follow you on Instagram. You're a beautiful young lady and I love your heart. You're very kind hearted. So thank you for that.

Thank you, Dave. I appreciate that so much. All right, thank you. I feel that.

Have a great day and I hope to listen to you soon.

Well, I think the verdict is in. I think it's communication is lubrication. I think we could all agree that being in a relationship where we talk about sex early and often, we are going to have better sex. We're going to know if we're with the right partners. And I love the stories about evolving too. We have to sort of learn from our past relationships, try not to beat ourselves up, and realize that we're going to try to do better in each relationship. That's the amazing thing about us, is that we can continue to learn and grow if we're willing to do the work. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to repeat any of my past relationships. I always want them to grow and get better. And I want that for all of you too.

That's it for today's episode.

See you on Tuesday. Tuesday thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

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