Hotline Calls: Why Masturbate When I Can Have Sex?

When you prioritize masturbation, it's also an act of rebellion in a way against your upbringing. Prioritizing your own pleasure independent of a male orgasm. And aside from it, just being about procreation is an act of self care. And maybe it is a little rebellious, but it's also part of the journey that you're sharing that you're on and we support you. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation. Around.

In or strap on because we've got a juicy Hotline calls episode for you. Now you've all been leaving me the most incredibly thoughtful, vulnerable voicemails and I just have to thank you all for normalizing these sex conversations. Today, producer Erica and I are answering your questions about what to do if you can orgasm by yourself but not with any of your partners. Humiliation kinks, which are more common than you'd think. What does it mean when you catch your partner on chat rooms? Is it cheating? And what to do if you feel guilty for masturbating. Like you might as well have sex with your partner already. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really helps get the show out to more people. Promote sex Positive messaging. We so appreciate it. And in fact, I want to read you one of my favorite reviews recently from Travis, 49, from Florida. He says, hi Emily, I've been binging your show for a month now, 12 hours at a time. I'm a truck driver from Florida and have plenty of time to listen to all your wisdom. I've learned that I've been doing everything right and my sex life is absolutely amazing. Thank you Travis. I'm so glad to hear that. And we'll be picking some of your reviews to read on the upcoming show, so please leave one right now. My new articles, 6 Ways to Upgrade your 69 and how to Find the G Spot are up on sexwithemily.com so clearly you need to go and read those right now. Plus, if you haven't seen them yet, I have two holiday gift guides out right now. One is on my Sex with Emily website and it has all of my top breaks this holiday season. There's 50 in total. So yes, there's sex toys, but there's headphones, weighted blankets, journals, candles. Please check that out. The other one is on my Shop with Emily site and that has all my top sex toy recommendations. So if you've been wanting to make it easier this holiday season and you want to gift a toy, just go to shopsexwithemily.com and I will link both in the show notes. All right everyone, enjoy this episode Foreign.

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This is Charlie. She's a female, 37 in Ohio.

I had a question about how to orgasm so I can orgasm by myself using a toy, usually clearal stimulation. However, I cannot orgasm with a partner and I'm in an open marriage so I have multiple partners and I can cannot come to orgasm. I also can't come if they use a toy on me, but if I'm by myself, I have no problem. How can I come with a partner?

Charlie, thank you so much for your question and you are not alone here. This is probably one of the most common questions and common concerns for vulva owners. Where we're on our own, we can have orgasms no problem with a toy and then someone else shows up and we just can't make it happen. First off, nothing wrong with needing a toy every time you orgasm either. I don't want to place orgasms on this hierarchy where you know when you do it With a partner without a toy, it's that much better. Because this speaks to this whole misunderstanding of the female orgasm, that it should only happen one way. It should be able to happen with a penis or during penetration. That is just not the case for many of us. Okay, so that's one thing, but the other thing is know that this is a new practice. So your body is used to a certain kind of orgasming, orgasm a certain way. And it's sort of like the neural pathways get trained, and that's what they're expecting to happen. Is that just you and a toy. The thing about them using a toy on you is that you could start by showing them how you use the toy on yourself. So baby steps here. Perhaps they put their hand over your hand while you're stimulating yourself.

I love that.

And then they'll see. See what's happening, and they'll kind of get it. And then they could sort of take the driver's seat and start to drive it themselves. This is the process of coming together. So you can come together now. Coming together. Coming together is also so overrated and so such a thing hard to do because it's like, what are the chances, like, we've already talked about orgasms that especially for vulva owners, like, the stars have to be aligned. We need certain amount of, like, lubrication. We need a certain positioning. We need you not to stop when we say don't stop. And, like, all these things have to happen, and. And for it to happen at the same time is just wonderful. It happens, but not. Not as common as we'd like it. So I think that just, like, literally using the words and saying, I really want to come with you, here's how it works for me in the past. And so, like, let's try this toy together and figure it out. Now. I'm wondering if you've tried other things, you know, like oral sex. Are there other ways that you've gotten there? So it sounds like you've only orgasmed, maybe ever with a toy. So if you're looking to see if there's other ways you can play, you might want to just have one of these partners slow down, make it more about exploration. Maybe one day it's all about your pleasure, and the next time, it's all about their pleasure. One of the challenges around sex with a penis is that their orgasms are pretty much gonna happen every time. It's pretty set. It's pretty linear. To learn something new about your body takes time. And the thing about sex is we want Our partners to get off, and we wanna get off. So for many vulva owners, it can be hard to relax and even to say, okay, we're in exploration mode today. You're going to move your tongue in certain ways, your hands in certain ways, and we're going to see if I can get there. But when we have that pressure of now, I got to make sure he gets off. It's hard to relax into it. So by taking turns and saying, there's nothing like a part of saying, babe, it's all about you. Lay back, we're going to make you come. And, like, don't worry about me. Because then you could really take it all in. You guys could play around together and just make it about you. And the next time, it can be all about them.

And going back to what you were saying about the toys, if you've never had an orgasm without a toy, there's already so many factors going on when you bring another person in, like, what am I gonna look like? What is my orgasm face? Oh, the clock's ticking. You don't need to change two things. Not having a toy and adding a person. Just add one person and keep the toy.

And you could also try some mutual masturbation. Well, why not have your partner masturbate and then you masturbate at the same time? Not only is that really hot to watch your partner masturb, but also you're learning how they touch themselves and what feels good to them, and then they're learning, you know, what you do. And so it's just a really fun, connected experience for partners that is also really intimate as well. I think mutual masturbation is like a fan favorite. I feel like people are like, oh, God, I didn't know about that. But we do it all the time. It's just a lot less pressure and a lot more pleasure.

And what you were saying about tonight's all about you. You also say this. Don't make it about orgasm either. If you've never had an orgasm through oral sex or something that feels remotely like it, you might not know what's going to get you there to orgasm. But at least if your partner goes down on you for 20, 30 minutes, even if you don't orgasm by the end of it, you'll just have a better understanding of what felt better, what didn't feel as good. And so you, you're just kind of learning more over time and learning more about your body and yourself and communication.

Yeah. And what I also love about this is that that's building Arousal, too. So maybe they'll get to this point. Or oral sex, where it's building, it feels great, and then you bring the toy in so you're already close to orgasm.

How about because she's in an open marriage, too, I wonder, does that mean she has to keep teaching people every time? I guess that's the same as someone having casual sex.

Yeah, it is. It pretty much is. I mean, maybe if she's open, she's poly, so that would mean she'd have different partners, that she sees each one regularly. But, yeah, it is kind of like casual sex. You gotta teach them every time. No better way to hone your skills.

Right.

Like, you're gonna become an expert at your pleasure and then teaching your pleasure. And to be honest, this is something that I wish for everyone, that we honed our skills and started to create our own central owner's manual. So when we're ever with a partner, it just becomes like, this is what we do. I want to show you what I like. You show me what you like. Because there's so much of time that's wasted in relationships, like, with trying to figure it out. It can take years. But this process, like, I'm actually really envious of this process. I'm like, I love that you get to test this out with a lot of partners. Totally. Just become, like, really a pro of your pleasure.

And they always say that to become a master, anything, you teach it to someone else.

Yeah.

So you're really just becoming a master with multiple people for yourself.

And they also say it takes 10,000 hours. Become an expert. Spend a lot of time focusing on mutual pleasure. This sounds like a good time ahead for you, Charlie.

I'm excited for you.

I, too. Thanks, Charlie. This is from Ricky's 42 in Cincinnati.

So my question is, during the pandemic, I sort of learned that I have a kink that I was unaware of. It turns out I'm into something called small penis humiliation, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. I enjoy comments about teasing, mocking, and just being small in general. It's taking me a long time to kind of figure out why I actually like this, but it requires that my wife be involved with this. So we've been married for about 20 years, and I've used your suggestions from your podcast about timing, tone, and turf to talk to her about this kink and give her an opportunity to just kind of ask some questions and kind of see where it goes from there. I've asked her to help me explore this kink in Real life. And so far, she's hesitantly agreed. The issue I've found is that she's in general, a kind, kindhearted person. So she kind of has trouble understanding why this is a turn on for me. And so far, she doesn't really seem to get much out of it. The Internet has almost nothing useful or helpful about this topic. So my question is, have you ever done an episode on this topic about humiliation, kinks in general? If so, I'd love to kind of get to know a little bit more about that resource. If not, I'd like to know if there's any other resources that you would recommend. There's a lot of really bad stuff on the Internet that we're trying to just stay away from about cucking and BBC stuff, and that's definitely not where we want to take this. So if you have any good SPH resources for us, I'd really appreciate that.

Thank you for this question, and thank you for spelling out this kink so beautifully. It is a common kink, and I love that he's been able to share it with his wife. And he really listened and understands that you have to take the time, explain what you get out of it, what she might get out of it. But it sounds like that's where he is struggling a bit, because it can be hard to wrap your head around. Like, his wife going, wait, what? You want me to make fun of your small penis? And then you're gonna get turned on by it? Like, that is hard to wrap your head around. Yeah, I get it. Right. So kinks are basically. Let's just clarify. Kink. Anything outside of conventional sex, basically, anything outside of, like, missionary sex, making out, falling asleep is kink. So we're all a little bit kinky.

And remember, we've talked about ways to spice up missionary on this show, too, so.

Yeah, exactly.

Missionary can be kinky, too.

Exactly. Everything's got a little caveat here. You can make anything hot, but some kinks, like Rick's, could be connected to our core erotic desires. And I talk about this in my book as well. Celeste and Danielle, who are sex coaches, kind of coined this term. There are specific feelings we want to experience during sex. So for some people, we want to feel cherished, we want to feel nurtured, we want to feel adored. Right. Like thinking about what we want to feel. And for Rick wants to be humiliated. There was a study, actually, that showed that for cisgender women in the kink community, 43% of them said they enjoyed verbal abuse and humiliation. And then 26% said they enjoyed humiliating their partners in the same way. And you don't usually choose these core erotic desires, which in some ways can make us feel a little bit better. Probably from something early in your childhood we might not actually remember or pinpoint. That's okay. But it's something to be ashamed about. I mean, I think he just did the hard part actually, just by even talking to your wife about it.

I'm so happy he told her. A lot of people, I feel like, keep it to themselves. How many questions do we get every.

Day who would never talk to them about it? But like you went to your wife and you're just well on your way, you know, to having the sex life you want and you're like embracing it. So if you can explain these things to your wife, maybe she'll get a better understanding of why this is a turn on to you. So, you know, maybe it was like, okay, you were in seventh grade and you got bullied for something, you got made fun of and maybe you were also going through puberty at that moment. And then that's how it got linked up to your arousal, this feeling of wanting to be humiliated. I know it can be sort of confusing or convoluted to people, but that's actually what it might be. But the why isn't as important as how we can execute it, right? How you can make this a reality. And I also want to say I'd love to know what turned your wife on, because I think once we can kind of get into her core erotic desires and your, then it's sort of like you're both fulfilling your deep sexual needs, which is, I think, work that everyone could do in their relationships. Highly recommend it.

And you guys might not have the same choreotic desires. In fact, it's probably more common that you and your partner have different choreotic desires. But then at least you can take turns of satisfying one partner's fantasy one time and then the other the other time.

Usually we're not the same as our partner and that's why we fell in love with them in the first place. And that's what makes sex hot. So he did ask what she's getting out of it, like why should she participate? And well, first it brings you pleasure. She's actually doing something that makes you feel good. So that's important compersion. She gets pleasure from your happiness. So let's figure out what her turn ons are. Let's explain to her what's going on with you and see if she can just sort of decide that she's gonna show up, she's gonna take your word for it, this is your turn on and see how she can also make it part of her own eroticism as well. Not only by identifying what she but just knowing that you're the man she loves and she's with. And what can she do to be fully supportive? And I'm sure she is outside the bedroom. I mean, I'd like to say we all want to support our partners in the bedroom as well. Thanks, Rick. Hold please. We'll be right back after a quick break for more juicy hotline calls. But first, for any of you who want to spice up your orgasms, or for anyone struggling to orgasm, either by yourself or with a partner, here's my go to rack. One of my longtime favorite brands, Magic Wand has just the toy for you. But here's the thing. I don't think I've given this enough love yet. It just came out. But they just launched their new magic wand Micro. It looks like it should be on a keychain. It is Micro. Micro, but so powerful. Now I know you've seen the full size Magic wand. Many of you know about the Magic Wand Mini, which has also been a staple since it came out. So that was the last magic wand that freaked me out, like in a good way. And then I got this Micro and I thought it was like a Christmas tree ornament or something. It's not. It is their all new impossibly small and ridiculously cute Magic Wand Micro. It's about the size of a typical bullet vibe, like four and a half inches long. But it is a true magic wand. It has the same soft silicone head, a flexible neck and yes, it is super powerful. Okay, the other great thing, the Micro is also USB rechargeable. Now side note, I wish that all toys would go to USB Rechargeable because it's just one less charger. But Micro did it. It has three speeds, four vibration patterns and even comes with a little wrist strap, which is why I thought it was a keychain. But it's for your wrist. You won't lose it. It's the perfect stocking stuffer for yourself or a loved one this holiday season. So don't wait. The Magic Wand Micro and all the other magic wands like the original, the Rechargeable and the Mini are available on my shop site. Go to shopsexwithemily.com magic wand to get yours today. And there's free shipping on all orders over $69. And by the way, let me just thank everybody for visiting the website, for shopping on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. It was unbelievable the amount of you who came and bought and trusted us in our recommendations. I'm so grateful. We're so grateful here. We spent a lot of time putting together the site so it would be a really accessible, fun place to go and a trusted source for all of your sex accessor. So I just love you all and I just want to thank you for that so much. Happy holidays. All right, everyone, we'll be right back.

Next we have Erica. She's 24, in Nevada.

I'm calling because I caught my boyfriend on chatterbait the other day. The reason I'm calling is because I feel cheated on. And I'm not sure if I'm completely valid in that feeling, but we've established those boundaries about a year ago, so they were already pretty much set in stone. And then I found it on his phone again, and I'm kind of asking, like, how do I be intimate with him again?

All right, thanks, Erica, for this question. So we get asked this question a lot, especially with more ways to cheat. With the rise in technology and dating apps and porn being ubiquitous, available everywhere on all of our platforms, people always ask, was this cheating? Is this cheating? What do you think is cheating? And I want to remind you that everyone gets to decide what cheating is in our relationships. Every couple gets to define their own rules. It sounds like you did. A lot of times people haven't defined it, so I'm like, well, if you haven't really talked about it, we should just assume that our partner's masturbating. But this is why we got to talk about it. And just even saying to your partner, I know you masturbate, but I have feelings that come up around it. Let's talk about it. And then you could understand that your partner's still gonna masturbate and why. And it's not really taking away from your connection. But in this case, you had a conversation about it and you talk about chatterbait. Chatterbait is a little bit more involved. It's not just a one way experience. It's actually you're interacting with somebody online and masturbating with somebody. So I think you might pay for it. And you get to pick somebody and they masturbate with you. So it's a little bit more involved. It sounds like you've already had challenges around his chatterbait usage. And then you find it again, so you feel like he's Been lying to you. It's a breach of trust and your feelings are totally valid. Let him know for sure how this made you feel and then find out more about why, what it is about Chatterbait. Like clearly he knows how it made you feel and he did it anyway. So there's something really, really compelling for him about masturbating with Chatterbait. Now I want to remind you that a lot of us masturbate in relationships because we want to release tension, stress. It's a way to stay connected with ourselves. It's self love. It can be difficult to change behaviors. So again, getting curious. Allow him to open up to you about what might make it feel more collaborative and then he might not hide it from you in the future. Maybe he feels like, oh, I already know you don't like it and I feel shame about that, so I'm just going to hide it from you. But is there a way you could open up once you learn more about why he's doing it and feel like, you know what, I could support it.

It's a fine balance because obviously they had set this boundary, he broke it. So in a way he did lie to her. And at the same time, clearly if this is something he is going to continue to do, how can she give him the space to come to her the next time he does it? Because I feel like if she just gets mad at him, he's just going to continue to do it in secrecy.

So she's got to practice some compassion and curiosity and just sort of take a few deep breaths and really listen. Listen to what it is about it. And you gotta ask em in a way that isn't like why, why do you like it? We're talking about like, I actually would love to know more about what this does for you. I just wanna understand your core about desires. I wanna understand how it makes you feel. And if you really can do that and you can really listen, you're gonna learn about yourself too. We always learn about ourselves in relationship. Why do you wanna set this boundary? Do you have anything that's happened in your past around infidelity? You've heard about other relationships maybe that don't necessarily apply to yours, but you've heard that a story about someone's partner on Chatterbait who went and left with the woman he was masturbating with. So reflecting on your own and then discuss your reasonings with your partner. So you're having a conversation and then once you have these conversations in the open, I think you will be ready for intimacy again with your partner. Because when we don't communicate with our partners and we have a lot of mistrust, this is when resentments build up, up. And remember, resentments are huge blockers to our intimacy and our sex lives and just feeling unsafe.

Like you can't trust your partner.

Yeah. And she's probably just up that right now. If she's got feeling or sexy. I knew I couldn't trust you. And then it just snowballs. We run away with this intense energy and so if we could just kind of dial it back, like get curious. Right. Really, it's about getting curious and listening and actually feeling the emotions go through you, Letting him know how it makes you feel. It's okay to say I get threatened or I feel jealous. And, you know, I really do think that stuff will come up for her where she's like, oh yeah, this reminds me of one time my mom caught my dad watching porn or cheating. Or, you know, it's. There's always more layers. There's always more information. Like, you know, some people might be like, oh yeah, I don't mind if I partner chatterbaits. Better her than me because I don't really want to masturbate with him right now. You know, so we all have different experiences. There's no right or wrong. There's only just being present with what is and what's your truth and what's his truth.

I'm so intrigued by these chat sites because I feel like that's such a new thing. Because I know you've talked about, oh, people masturbating to porn today is similar to people masturbating to a photo before porn was readily available. Is there an equivalent to this before technology or is this like such a new thing and requires that new boundaries get set?

That's a good question. I mean, I feel like, no, this is another level. And I can understand too why this feels like cheating. Exactly. You're literally paying somebody and you're they're the only one watching them. Maybe, or maybe a few other people are. But that's. I mean, that's also onlyfans too. Right. But I think chatterbait is like a very specific. It's just a one on one thing. Although I haven't been on it, but yeah, no, there's really nothing else like this. And it isn't just, you're straightforward. I'm watching porn.

My instant reaction is, oh, they're never going to meet up with this person in real life. It doesn't matter. But then I also Know of so many relationships that have been developed online. Not from chatterbait, but just like online friendships, like long distance.

I'm sure it does. There must be like, oh, give me your real number. Let's meet up. Because you get attached to people. Also, let's remember what happens when you're masturbating with someone. You're having a heightened sense of arousal, and you're also feeling maybe more connected to the person, and it feels more like a real relationship. And they're also actors. Like, they're acting. So I had a lot of friends who work at strip clubs. They were dancing, and there was always the guy at the end of the night who's like, I, we have a connection. Or I know that you felt something the way you were having slap dance with me. So they can, like, project and read into things. So I could see to your point, there could be some kind of relationships formed or even a sense of, I'm going to keep masturbating to the same woman. I'm going to come back every day. I'm going to give her money. I mean, I could see that being like. Like, what if your partner didn't have a lot of money and was struggling? You're like, you're not buying me dinner, but you are spending. I don't know how much it costs a day to masturbate. It brings up a lot. I could see this being another level of threat to somebody who feels already that they can't really trust their partner. So we gotta break it down, have some real talks, do some listening, and you're not gonna probably solve it in one conversation. Takes time to process. Took a while to get into this situation, this conflict that we don't just end conflicts either by one conversation. It's ongoing. Be compassionate and be curious. All right. Thanks, Erica. We appreciate you. Okay, this is from Rachel. She's 30. In New Mexico.

I don't masturbate very often, and when I do, it is usually a precursor to partner sex. I think. I feel like if I'm in a mood to masturbate, I might as well have sex with my partner. But honestly, there are times that I would really rather just masturbate than have sex. My husband and I have sex usually one to three times a week. So I don't feel like it's like I want to masturbate instead of having sex. And I don't know if my worry that masturbating instead of having sex sometimes is because that really is a bad thing or if it's just Some of my sexually repressed upbringing coming out. I would love your advice.

Thanks so much.

So thoughtful. Such a great question. She's so self aware. And Rachel, I'm so glad that you have been able to do the work to feel more liberated and less repressed by your upbringing. A lot of us just, we don't really do that kind of work. So I'm always thrilled and impressed and happy for people when I hear them go on this journey, you know. So whether people grew up under strict religions or not, masturbation does not have great pr. Especially female masturbation and especially masturbation in relationships. Masturbation. That's why we want to call it solo sex. Just the word. We can't get around it. And you know this because you've been listening. Both are very, very important. Masturbating as a woman and in relationships. And yes, although masturbation and partner sex can both give you orgasms and a lot of pleasure, there's a lot of reasons to prioritize solo sex. I want to remind you, you connect with your body so you're embodied, right? Embodiment is a really important pillar of sex iq. And you understand what makes you feel good. You're like, oh, I like this kind of touch, this kind of pressure, this kind of sensation. And that's the self knowledge piece of sex iq. It's just so incredibly important to prioritize yourself as an individual. Even in a relationship. For example, like, I could go on a hike with my partner and I do, but I could also go on a hike alone and I do that as well. So I love going on a hike with my partner. It's, you know, we bond, we talk. But I also love my hikes alone because I get to reflect, I get to be with myself. I often like think about things or come up with creative ideas. Just wouldn't happen if someone else was next to me.

That's really important time to honor. Even in relationships. I feel like now there's this expectation or people create the expectation that you have to do everything with your partner. Prioritizing solo me time is important. In and out of the bedroom.

Yeah, so important. I think we're just coming out of like decades of that was the case. You know, women stayed home, men were out working. Like it hasn't been that long since this paradigm shifted. And we're just getting to work and figure out what we want. We're spending more time single before we're getting into relationships. So there's just. Society's different and it hasn't often caught up with what we want. Like, if we look at our parents, they probably might have spent more time together than we want to. So we have to remember that we get to decide in our relationships what we want, what feels good. It's common for people to be enmeshed in a relationship. Let's do things on our own individual. Our sexual exists. We have to remind you it is important to connect with yourself as a sexual being independently. Also, you've done the work to sort of get out from under the repressed culture you grew up in, that when you prioritize masturbation, it's also an active rebellion, in a way, against your upbringing, prioritizing your own pleasure independent of a male orgasm. And aside from it, just being about procreation is an act of self care. And maybe it is a little rebellious, but it's also part of the journey that you're sharing, that you're on, and we support you.

This feeling of, oh, whenever she masturbates, she might as well have sex with your partner. Does some of that fear maybe come from, oh, I don't know if I can get aroused again. Like, if I'm aroused now, I might as well use that with my partner?

I do think that there is some. Well, as long as I'm gonna knock it out now, I know that he's gonna want it later. So I think that might be part of it. For many, many people, they're like, there's only enough minutes in the day. I only have enough time if I masturbate now. Again, that's why we're talking about this. I want to remind you that it's different. It's a different kind of time. It's a gift to yourself. You don't have to worry about pleasing somebody else. You know, having sex with somebody else is a lot more work. It's a different kind of work. It's collective sexual energy. And there's just something really beautiful about our alone time. So there's a lot of time in our lives to do both. Thank you, Rachel. This is from Giovanni, and she's a female.

I'm reaching out. I listen to your podcast today about how often you should have sex. My average is 1 1/2 times a month. And I totally understand that's the average. But my partner wants and expects twice a day, which we've been enjoying, and I love, but I'm not able to orgasm as often as he'd like, given the statistics. And I hate to blame it on that, whatever, but, like, you know, I Enjoy more foreplay, getting aroused, and into the moment. So because you have sex so often, I'm not getting there as often as he'd like. I guess my question to you is, how do we reconcile that? Any feedback would be great. I love your show and enjoying your book. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

I wish she was here. She sounds like. Lovely.

So lovely.

Thank you for your question. And first, I want to clarify something. You said the average is one and a half times a month that couples have sex. I think I was reading a study. I think it was one and a half times a week. Just to clarify that. Yes. So what I'm hearing you say is your partner wants it twice a day, and you're actually down with that, but you're not having orgasms. And I'm not down with that, and neither are you. And so if you enjoy foreplay and getting aroused and into the moment, what I'm hearing is that, you know, you are having sex twice a day and you're down with that. Like, I. I love that. But to drive twice a day, you're not always having orgasm. So you're kind of like, I really want one also, because it takes time, as you know, to get aroused, to have an orgasm, to get turned on. That. I'm just thinking maybe you have sex once a day, but make sure that you definitely are getting your pleasure and having an orgasm. Because I feel like it's about quality over quantity. But it sounds like for you, because we can only take it a case by case basis, we all have different needs, not only individually, but in a relationship. Right. You have to figure out what you want, what your partner wants. So it sounds like you're okay with even once a day, but you're really gonna need to take that time. Because if you've got two hours a day, say, to have sex, you could expand that time and just make it about one really quality session. And I think explaining this to your partner outside the bedroom and saying, you know what? I just love the sex we're having. Everything's fantastic, this and that. It's great. All the things you love. However, all this sex we're having is made me realize that, like, I actually need more time, more foreplay. I think it'd give them examples. I think if we spent 20 more minutes of you going down on me, warming me up, giving a massage, using a sex toy, then I'll have orgasms like you are, babe, and then we'll both be feeling great. And this will work for both of us. And I think giving him Those suggestions and the context around how it makes you feel. Remember, our partners can't argue with how things make us feel. If you said, when we have sex twice a day, this is what I like about it. However, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not quite finishing and then that doesn't feel great in my body and then I start to feel less connected to you. Or it makes me feel resentful explaining that to your partner and then you have a solution. How great. We go to our partners with something that we're not feeling good about in the relationship and then you have a solution. The solution is let slow down, let's take more time with my pleasure. I think he would like to hear that and hopefully be open to finding way for both of you to have pleasure.

That sounds super hot. That sounds way hotter than, oh, we have to hit 2 every day. Sounds like you're trying to just squeeze it in because clearly there's not enough time for foreplay.

Just to let you all know, you go back and find that episode. But I prefaced it by saying I don't love putting numbers around sex because then you compare yourself to it and you think you're over, you're under. But we were doing a Sex in the News episode. It came up in the news and I was talking about it. But every couple gets to decide how much time, how much sex they want to have, what kind of sex they want to have, what your turn ons are, what your turn offs are. If you've been listening to the show, we're all about that. We're all about you figuring out what you need and then finding a partner who's able to meet those needs with you, meeting their needs. And that's how sex works. It's a collaboration in the truest sense of the word. Thanks, Giovanni. Let's know how it goes. Thanks for reading Smart Sex. I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 a go to sex with emily. Com.

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