Hottest Hotline Calls

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Care for your sex life. It deserves the attention and love that you give. Everything else, everything that you care about in your relationship, everything that you priorit. You don't just become a great athlete. You don't just become a great chef. You don't just become an excellent employee. It takes work. All the things that we value take effort. And I'm sorry to say, but this is a bummer to some of you. Or buzzkill. Your sex life is one of these things.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual. When you're desperate to fix your sex life with your partner, what do you do? Well, you call me, of course. You know, maybe the sex started hot but got real boring. Or maybe you and your crush are finally hooking up, but the sex is meh and it's a huge letdown. Well, what now? Well, on today's Best of Hotline show, I'm sharing some of my favorite listener questions and letting you listen in as we talk through solutions. We've got sex, stonewalling partners, compersion versus cuckolding, a self described lazy lover, bisexuality, plus a squirting tutorial. Trust me, if you've got the right communication skills, you can talk to anything. And on this episode, I help you make those sex talks way less gnarly. All right, Intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. Well, my intention is to show you how important communication is for all different aspects of your relationship and what a game changer it can be in the bedroom. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, how to explore anal Sex is up at sex with emily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me sex with emily.com askemily or just call my hotline 559-talk-SEX, 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

We can talk to Bob, 59, in Texas. Hi Bob. What's going on? How can I help?

Yeah, no, I've been with the same lady for nearly 40 years. We had an awesome relationship all the way through up until just the last few years. And of course we've had our life changes. We've had kids grown and gone and kind of got the empty nest thing going on now. But her need even so much as idea of sexual relations has just really dwindled to nothing. As a guy, you have a chance. You think it's all your fault and not how. Yeah, the biggest thing is that assume that maybe it was a lack of attention and not paying attention to the right things. But if she happens to get interested, you know, she, she enjoys a little oral and stimulation, but that is very rare. Just looking for things that I might do as a guy to help get her maybe back in the mood again.

Is she your age as well, Bob? Is she about 59?

Yeah, she's about a year younger than me.

Okay. When did you stop being less intimate?

I would say it become very, very noticeably slow. Maybe about five years ago. So somewhere around 55, 54, somewhere along in there. And I know, you know, she's gone through or going through her menopausal changes and I know that has a lot to do with things. And you know, she's one minute she's freezing death. Maybe she can't have any clothes on and. But it's just the old flashes. I think the thing that has hurt me the worst. It's almost like she does not want to lay hands upon me for any reason.

Have you talked to her about this, Bob? Have you let her know how much you miss your intimate life?

She's hard to talk to. Always has been, in the sense of. Now, you know, if you're having a conversation about cats, that's okay, but when you get to personal matters, she gets. She gets very offensive. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm sorry. This doesn't sound easy.

It was more of not my problem. It's your problem. And she has never been one to offer nor participate in any type of hand stimulation on my side.

No hand job.

Inter.

Thing.

It's not right. And it's not gonna be no oral.

That's.

That's just a given.

And she won't give you a blow job, huh? No oral sex. You're talking about something that's very common in couples, especially as you get older. She's going through menopause. Oh. We've had a lot of. I mean, it's just so hard because it's. The body does change. Our hormones drop. We have more dryness. Women have less lubrication, less desire. All of that is true, but it's not a fixed state. So our brain. We got. Our brain is the most powerful sex organ. So if we can leave our. Have our brain, you know, active somehow. If she could be willing to say, yeah, I know this is an important part of our commitment to each other, is that we both agree to work on our intimacy. And I think that this happens to women and it happens to men where they're like, I've had enough sex, or I'm done with it. But it's just. She just can't. She can't just say, I'm no longer doing it. So would she be. Does she move her body? Is she healthy?

No, she's never been. We're about as opposite as the scope. And I played ball, was athletic forever. She's. I call her my bona fide city girl. You know, she's just not. She's not much for outside activities. And I think there are theories of if I gotta get sweaty, it may not be worth doing right.

Would she be willing to do.

I'm thinking right now, I think it's the effort it takes, you know, to be part of.

I understand what you're saying, and I get these calls that people are struggling with this, and I just. It's really just a matter of letting her know that it's really something that's important to you. And it's also about your tone and how you bring it up and saying, I really miss our connection. It could start with back rubs. It could start with hand. Yeah, I mean, but you got to tell her this in a way that's really loving and really, you know, you love each other. You've been together for 40 years. And I think that maybe there's a way if you keep bringing it up in a loving way that's curious and saying, how can we problem solve this? I think we can both agree that our intimacy is really important.

I come across your program by accident, but there's some topics that you've talked about, about where to bring up conversations and not bring up conversations. And I was like, crap. I never thought about that. You know?

Yeah. Timing, tone and turf. You don't do it in the bedroom. Don't do it when you're angry. Don't do it when you're hungry.

The first few times that I tried to bring it up was during or, you know, put on your sexiest move you possibly could ever dream of, and it just flops. You know, Go, crap.

And then you're like, you never want to have sex. That's the problem. We often bring it up when we feel rejected again. We're like, God damn it, we never have sex. But when you bring it up out of the blue, Find a time, Bob, when you guys are hanging out and you're having a lovely time, maybe it's dinner or she's feeling you feel like you're in a great mood over breakfast. You could say, babe, I gotta talk to you about something. I really miss our intimacy. I miss the way we used to connect and have sex and be intimate. And that's something that I really need. And I think that you might need it, too, but I understand what you've been going to, and it can be hard. I've got some ways that maybe we could figure this out. We could go to therapy, and you could go to your hormone doctor. We could start to, you know, do massage and find ways. I know. So, Bob, these are all the ways you know, you've been listening. I don't have the magic bullet for you, but I do have ways that you could try to have the conversations with her again and let her know how important it is. Okay, Bob? Yeah.

Thank you.

So just have one conversation and then call me back and let me know it goes. Thanks, Bob. Oh, you guys, this libido thing is, every age, it happens to couples that there's mismatched libido and there's typically one partner who has the high desire and one partner has a low desire. Right? And typically the partner who has a low desire has all the power in the relationship. That's the one who holds the sex power. They're the one who decides, yes, it's on, no, it's off. And that is tricky. So this is why I recommend if you're listening this right now and you are in a place in your relationship where you're like, everything's great. God, I'm so glad we're not there. Gosh, we're gross exes like, Woo. But now it's 10 years later or 20 years later, and they don't have the foundational communication skills to move through these really, really crucial challenges in a relationship. They just never built them because you can't just snap those into place after years. It's hard. So right now, you could even go home and tell your partner, you know, I was driving along listening to this show, so sex with Emily. Dr. Emily was saying that couples need to communicate about their sex life where it's going to go south, babe. I am so glad that our sex life is amazing. I love the sex we're having. I never want to end up and not be the couple that has sex and ends up not talking about it. So what? Let's. Why don't we start talking about right now? Even though it's amazing? Can you make a pack with me that we could maybe try talk about even right now? Like, is there anything with our sex life? I think it's great. Anything you would want to try? Here's what I want to try and see how that conversation goes. Because then it becomes a pattern. And I dare I say I don't make any promises. But what tends to happen is when couples both get on board with having the sex conversation, they get excited about it. It becomes something really fun to talk about. But I just need you all to help you get all over the hump and the fear of talking about it. I would love to throw this out there to the listeners and say, as soon as you start having sex with someone, or perhaps the relationship starts getting more serious, maybe even you're thinking, oh, I think this is my person. I think I want to spend the rest of my life with them, have the conversation and say, sex is a really so important to me. Intimacy, communication. I want to make sure that I'm in a relationship where we support Healthy communication around sex. How do you feel about that? Can you imagine how many people would be saved so much heartache if that person said, I will never talk? Yeah, I hear what you're saying, but I don't believe in talking about sex. Not anything I ever want to do. Well, then you have your information. Then you know, oh, wow, that's not someone. I think. I don't think that we're aligned. But the problem is we talk about, do we want kids, do we want to live in the city, do we want to live in the country? What religion are we going to practice, you know, what's our, you know, lifestyle choices? But we don't ever talk about sex. It's like the dirty secret, the dirty topic that we won't talk about. We're like, we won't because we assume it's always going to be amazing like it was at the beginning. That doesn't happen. You don't. Everything changes. Our weight changes, our health changes, our workout habits, our eating habits, the foods we like 10 years ago we might not like. Now the clothes we wear. I mean, the sex is exactly the same thing. Thing. It's not a destination. Your sex life, it's not like, okay, check it off the list. We've got the sex under wraps. It's like everything else. It is a process. And it's always changing throughout your lifetime.

After you have kids, perhaps your body.

Changes and you're really busy with children, or you're really stressed out with work, or you have a death in the family, or you change jobs, or you go through menopause, you get older, you have a disability, something happens. I mean, these. All of these things impact your sex life. But if you don't have the tools in place to have healthy communications around sex, you're never going to be able to have a sex life that is healthy and satisfying for the long term. Just not going to happen. I've seen this. I hear this. Care for your sex life. It deserves the attention and love that you give. Everything else, everything that you care about in your relationship, everything that you prioritize. You don't just become a great athlete. You don't just become a great chef. You don't just become an excellent employee. It takes work or all the things that we value take effort. And I'm sorry to say, but this is a bummer to some of. You're a buzzkill. Your sex life is one of these things. Let's talk to Rick in Ohio. Hi, Rick. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Not much I just want to say that I am. I definitely am attracted to both sexes, but I feel like I'm leaning more towards men. Is it possible to be, you know.

Absolutely. Sometimes bisexual is real. Yeah. I mean, you can be attracted to men, women, all genders.

I definitely have been with men, and I really enjoy being with men. At the same time, I'm attracted to women, but I feel more comfortable sometimes, too.

Yeah, I think that that's totally fine. I think what you're alluding to is that people think there's no such thing as being bisexual. But, like, how could you tell a whole group of people that they don't exist? It's not a phase. It's not a thing. And I think that there's a lot of people who. Who are bisexual, and they just go through a lifetime of repressing it because they don't understand how you could be attracted to all genders. They might be attracted to trans people. They might. To everyone. So. Yeah. Rick, is it. Has it been a. A problem for you or you're just wondering about the labels here?

Well, no, it hasn't really been a problem. I mean, like, for instance, I've been with a guy now for, you know, a good eight to nine years. But at the same time, too, if I'm watching something like Dancing with the Stars or. Or if there's an attractive girl on our commercial, I find attractive. You know, I mean, I. I'm not gonna dance around and not look, but I mean, no, it hasn't been a problem. And I'm not really into labels or anything, but I think.

Okay.

Sometimes I feel like I, you know, catch myself doing a double glance at times with both genders.

That's. That's great that you allow yourself to do that. You know, people just don't. And in fact, there's a lot of men who are attracted to men, and they. You probably know these guys, and they feel such shame around it that they end up becoming, you know, homophobic. They end up hating themselves, so then they hate others who are gay. So, you know, I'm not like.

I mean, I've.

Yeah, no, I'm glad. I'm saying you're a good example, Rick, of men, of a man who's being totally honest with yourself, you know, even at home.

Like, I've got, you know, a Playgirl magazine, but yet I've got a Playboy magazine. I mean, I've got. You know, I enjoy looking at both from time to time.

Yeah. To me, I think that means that you are open and you know, think about it. If everyone was paid attention to their bisexuality or that they could be, that sex is a spectrum, just like gender isn't binary, you know, our biology. And so that's true that, you know, isn't either that sex exists on the spectrum, but I think that that's what Kinsey talked about, is that sex is a spectrum. And a lot of us women are more likely to be on the, you know, four or fives when you think that one is straight.

And have women been a little bit more open about that over the years?

Are there more women that are more.

Like that or just.

I think that women are more openly. Women tend to be more bisexual, we tend to hear about it more, they tend to act on it more there because I. I believe there's less of a stigma and you're seeing it more in culture and it's just more accepted overall and it's more visible. But men don't see this. Men don't see it as much. Right. That you can be bisexual.

I think women have been that way for years though.

Right.

I think that the men and women have always existed on spectrum sexually, but I think that there's more permission given to women and there's more celebration of women being bisexual than men. But I think it's always been the case. But I think for many men, they just keep it down and they're so afraid of the repercussions. And our society says that if you're bisexual, you're just gay. So that's not fair for men. Yes, you're absolutely right. That that is. The stigma is there for men and not for women.

I. I totally agree. I think maybe that might have been my original question.

I just didn't know how to ask that.

Yeah, okay. That' think that now we give people more permission. This is why, Rick, I love that you're calling in, but I think if you really give people permission to expand their minds and to think about it, that people could kind of go try something out, dabble in experiencing things sexually with the other gender. But I don't think it's as random.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, same gender. Same gender, exactly.

Okay, I get that. Yeah. Okay, cool. I experimented. I enjoy it and I like it. It's a lot of fun.

Yeah, good. Well, I'm glad that you found that and you're with a partner who's understanding, as we all should be. Yeah, I want that for everybody.

My biggest thing is I. I love sucking penis. It's discreet.

Yeah, me too.

But, yeah, I've dabbled too, with women, you know, so. But that's. You don't have to give it up. Here's the thing. If we could be more open about this thing, and we could be more open about what we're actually attracted to, and we didn't talk about, like, gender, and we just were attracted to what we were attracted to. You know, now we call it, like, pansexual. And I think that's the way to live, and I think that's where we're going now, Rick. I think that in society, this won't be a popular statement, but I think that now that there's more permission and there's more information and there's more education around, you know, sexuality being a spectrum and about gender not being binary. Our sexuality is not, you know, binary either. And so I think that just allowing people to see that it's okay be attracted to what you want, who you want, and just be honest and be open about it, that we would. Then it would give others permission, just like me talking. You talking about this right now, Rick, I promise. He was giving some other people permission to feel better about their own choices sexually. Or maybe there's some people who have felt like they don't want to come out, and now by hearing this, they're. They want to. They're thinking, okay, well, Rick's doing it. Rick's opened. I'm okay.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, thank you, Rick. Thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Let's talk to. Wow, these are both good. Rob, 37 in Texas. Hi, Rob. What's going on?

Hey, Dr. Emily, thanks so much for taking my call. And I can imagine you reading it up front going, wow.

No, I do, Rob. It's a really good question. I actually love this. I want to. I want to talk to you about this. I'm like, yes, bring it.

Excellent. Excellent. Well, so. So, Emily, last year, you gave me the word conversion. I called in and asked about thoughts that I had and things that I experienced with my wife, and we both enjoyed. And you gave me the word conversion, which I've read up on it since then and studied it and have fallen in love with the word, because that's exactly what it was. And the reason why I like the word conversion and is because I don't like the word cuckolding.

Right.

And everything I've. I've read about cuckolding has a kind of degrading type of sense to it, and that's not anything close to what I feel on the degrading side. I enjoy seeing the pleasure that somebody else gets, you know, from an external point of view, rather than being physically wrapped up in the moment, like when she and I are intimate together and is amazing. I get a different sense of a mental pleasure out of seeing it in another situation. But in talking with her about that and discussing those types of things outside the bedroom, thanks to your advice, she kind of gets it sometimes that I want her to be with other people. And that's not it. It's not that I want her to be with other people. It's that I enjoyed seeing pleasure from an external point of view, if that makes sense. And I'm just having trouble having that discussion without her thinking that I truly just want her to go be with other men, which is not the truth. And wanted to see what you thought.

Yeah, no, this is great, Rob. Let me just kind of catch everyone up here. What I talk about is conversion, and that is a word than people who are in open relationships or they swing or they cuckold. It means that you actually. And this is a stage that people go through, and you can get there from some people that they actually get joy and pleasure from seeing their partner have sex with someone else, be intimate with someone else. That that truly gives you joy that your partner is being pleasured by somebody else. And that is something that I've seen. You know, I think I was talking about it in reference to open relationships, and people are like, oh, God, I would be so jealous if my partner was with someone else. I said, well, ultimately, for many people I know who do it in the right way, they have conversion. They actually get through the jealousy and say, well, I'm really glad that my partner is experiencing that. I'm happy when you're happy, right? It's like if your partner gets a raise and you're like, oh, babe, I'm so genuinely happy for them. But then cuckolding. It's typically men watching their female partners or wives have sex with another man. And you're right, it does have negative connotations in the sense of the man watching. It's the most disgraceful thing you can imagine. And then actually watching that somehow twists on it and makes you feel even so worse that it turns into an erotic pleasure, you know? And what you're saying is, no, you don't feel any shame around it? Rob, have you guys opened up the relationship at all? Has there been any swinging or playing with other people?

Early in our relationship, we had done that, and we don't really do it as much anymore because kids are involved and life Gets in the way. However, occasionally we will go to a club here in Texas that allows on site type of activities and we just play with ourselves. However, it is at times in group settings. So, you know, we don't have any problems with that and don't have any problems with other people. But yes, we do have that in our history and that is times open and it is fantasized about and talked about. Just not really experienced as much at all as it has in the past. But some of the underlying features are still there with the conversion that I have. Mainly, I don't expect to be with another woman, but I do get the pleasure out of seeing her being pleasured in different types of situation. It could be with another woman, it could be with another man. Both of those things have happened. But she, sometimes in a negative light, when there's too much stress or anxiety, thinks that I'm hung up on a fantasy, that I want her to go out and be with other men. And that's over the edge. That's nowhere near close to what I feel.

Okay, so I get that. So you're saying that you actually have more pleasure when you are watching her with someone else. What does she want, Rob? What turns her on?

Interestingly enough, the past six months she has discovered how to squirt and squirt multiple times. And so that's been her big turn on lately, and mine too, is that we've discovered this newfound ability that she has and how to get her to that point. So.

Yeah, right. Does she want to be with other people? Like, does she want that right now, Current day?

Well, we talk about it at times, but I can't tell whether she's saying that to please me in a fantasy mode or whether that's something that she. That she really wants. Because, you know, it's different times of, you know, alcohol involved and partying all night and hormones getting involved, that I can't really break that down enough to see whether that's truly a want or that's something that she's saying because she knows that that's what I want. Even in a fantasy type of situation.

Well, that's what we got to get to then, Rob. I don't think it's about her believing in conversion or not. I think it's just another, you said you listen. Timing, tone and turf outside the bedroom conversations. This is something that you need to have again and again and to be open and curious and honestly. Now, how long have you been together, Rob?

We've been together 15 years.

Okay. I feel like when we're authentically ourselves and we keep tearing down the walls and all the things that we put up that she would know that this is something you authentically derive. You're not getting mad at her. You're not getting angry with her. So I just think that there has to be just more talking and unpacking. And I think that a lot of the stuff that we want our part wish they would just get this is education, exploration, listening to shows together or reading together. I don't know why. You know, again, a lot of times when our partners won't see it, maybe there's something else going on with her. Like, all I could think is maybe she doesn't actually really want to be swinging or seeing other people. Because what would be the thing if she doesn't believe conversion. What. What. What's the opposite of that? She believes that you. You actually don't feel good about it. Like, what is her belief around you wanting to see her with other men?

I don't know.

I don't know if she thinks that maybe I expect the inverse of that to be with another woman, because I don't. And I don't. I don't have those wishes.

We should.

We have been with other couples and. And I have it just sometimes talking to it gets exhausting on her side. It's almost like she feels like I beat it into the ground. I'm a communicator, and she's not as much.

We have to listen to, you know.

Sure.

Really ask questions, get curious. Tell me more about that. So you think it's that I really want something else. Well, tell me more about that. Tell me more about that. And just ask her questions to practice. Listening is a practice. And so I think that. That everyone can talk and communicate. They just have to feel safe. So I think you just have to have a little bit different kind of conversation, Rob, with her, you have to really listen, really pay attention. Because I don't think it's about the comparison versus cup building. It just sounds like there might be something else going on, and I'm not sure what it is, but I think Rob is a communicator.

You.

You could. You could get there if you really want.

Absolutely. I will definitely do more listening, I promise.

Okay, thanks, Rob. Keep me posted. Okay, let me know. Go.

I sure will. Emily, thank you so much.

Of course. Thank you for calling. Course. I appreciate you, too. All right, we're going to take a quick break, but don't go anywhere afterward. From our sponsors. I'll be answering More of your questions.

Shauna, 40 in Rhode island has a question. Hi, Shauna. Thanks for calling.

Hi. Thanks for taking my call.

Of course.

So I have a dilemma. I have known this guy since high school, and we all kind of had a flirtatious relationship, and throughout the years have always had high sexual chemistry and all that, but it just never worked out. So now, all these years later, we finally got together. We've been dating for two years, and sexually, I'm very disappointed, and it just not what I thought it was going to be. All those times that we just messed around and never took it all the way. And now that we have, it's just not all that. And he's not very well endowed, and I just don't. I don't know if that should be a deal breaker or not.

Well, tell me what isn't as good, besides his penis size? We could circle back to that. But how is he not a great lover to you? How is it not great sex? What's the challenges?

I feel like he kind of has some ED issues. So that's part of it. But I think it's more just that he's more of a wham, bam, thank you, ma', am and not really into doing. You know, he just wants to get right to sex. And I think maybe part of it is that he's worried that he's not gonna keep it up. He's had some ED issues, so maybe he just wants to get it done and over with. And I'm like, no, of course not.

Yeah.

Have you ever talked to him about this? Does he know what you need and what you require? What turns you on?

Yeah, I kind of have. Yes. But I don't think he doesn't want to satisfy me. I just think it's more of a confidence thing. Not that he's not confident, but I think he's worried that he won't be able to perform.

Yeah, that's probably it too. So these are all things that you talk about outside the bedroom when you're hanging out. Not in the bedroom. Not right after it happens. But you say, I want to talk about our sex life, and I know that this happens. Now, is he P.E. or Ed like, he gets hard and can't stay hard, or he ejaculates in a minute?

No, he has trouble getting hard, and he's taken, like, Cialis and Viagra, and I feel like that doesn't get him as hard as he really should be.

Yeah. So, I mean, I bet you all of those are true, but if I feel like, he's got to know what pleases you and that, you know, I think that for a lot of men, you know, how. Is he your age, too? Is he 40?

Yep. Yep.

Okay. Because, you know, testosterone starts to drop with men after 40. It could be something with that, but it could be anxiety. Maybe after being with you, you know, maybe he's worried or he wants to be a good lover and that he can't be a good lover. But this is the kind of thing, if everything else is great, but the sex, I would find out and say, listen, I realize we haven't talked about it in this way because a lot of couples just, like, talk about it, the bedroom, and that's just not as effective. And just say, you know, this is. Let's talk about our sex life. I know this is what I require. I realize that this is how what I require for orgasm is. You could fill in the blanks there and just say, I know that it's frustrating, you know, with your erectile challenges, and I'm just wondering, you know, what. What are you into? Or what can we do together? Like, maybe he could get his testosterone checked. I mean, I just think he has to understand, like, how would you feel, Shauna, if he made sure you had an orgasm? Like, he went down on you or he used a toy or a spirit fingers. Would you be okay with that? Because I don't know if he doesn't know by now, because some men don't know what pleases women. Or maybe he doesn't.

Yeah, I mean, I would be totally open to that. I almost feel like he's not as open to different things like that. And which is so surprising considering, like, all leading up to us finally. I mean, we feel like we finally are here at the point that we've always wanted to be at, and then it's, like, such a letdown when you. You were, like, so sexually frustrated for so many moments, and then finally you do it, and you're like, oh, my gosh, this is not that great.

I get it, Shauna. But I'm gonna say it's been two years, and so that's a long time for you to be sexually frustrated. Because my mission here at Sex with Emily is just to get people to talk about it right away, but most people don't, Shauna. I mean, I hear from people, like, in the same situation, all. Some people are married for 20 years, and they've never talked about it. So I would say that before you ditch it, I think that having a conversation and saying exactly what you just said to me, maybe it's that you're not sure what I need. I know we haven't talked about it. I know this might be awkward. Like, be honest and say, I didn't think it was okay to talk about it, or, I didn't want to upset you, but this is what great sex means to me. I really like to feel connected. And I like when you tease me or talk dirty to me or whatever the things are that you need, Shauna. Give them a chance to figure out ways to please you. I used to think, oh, if I have sex with a guy in his 40s, well, he's gonna know everything. Nope. It's about men who've actually paid attention and maybe had a partner who explained to them what they needed, but he just might not know. Maybe he's been getting away with just hammering away for the last, whatever, 20 years.

He wants to please me. I mean, I know he does, but.

Well, here's the thing. You could say, I know that you want to please me, and I know that we both want to be great lovers to each other, but I thought I could make it easier for you, explain what that actually means to me. Let me tell you what I need, and then you can tell me what you need, and maybe he'll reveal something we had no idea. Like, this is why it's so fun. Actually, once you get past the part where it's uncomfortable. Most couples thrive when they can communicate around sex. And then you'll know, Shawn, if he says to you, oh, I can't talk about this, or, I'm not into perlesing women, then, you know. But if he's like, wow, thank you. I've been thinking about it, and then this could be a rebirth.

And as far as, like, the size thing, I mean, I've been with people who weren't huge or anything. I think it's just the fact that he's not super hard.

That's part of it too. Yeah. I would think that after two years of it not being that hard and taking Viagra or testosterone, I mean, I think that he could get. You know, there's a lot of great penis technologies now. There's something called Boston Scientific, his overall health. Is he getting tested? Does he. How's his blood work look? Because if there's a problem with your heart or your brain, there's probably a problem with your penis.

Yeah.

And there's something called new low T N E L O W T. I believe that he can just call and telehealth. Like, they can give him a bunch of tests to figure out what's going on with his penis. So I think that he probably wants to deliver for you as well. He just maybe hasn't known what to do.

Yeah, well, thank you. Those are all. That's all very great advice.

So keep me posted. Let me know how the first conversation goes. I'll be here. Okay, Shauna.

All right, I'll do that.

Yeah. See, guys, it's never about the size necessarily. Let's talk to Cindy 55 in New Orleans. Hi, Cindy.

So I have a question for you. I'm very, very lucky. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life. I'm multi orgasmic. And about four or five years ago, my husband was able to get me to squirt. And now he is obsessed. He wants me to do it again. And I've been like, no, no, I don't want to try this again. I don't know what I did that.

Caused it to happen.

It just.

It happened. So I'd like to go ahead and fulfill his fantasy of having me do that again. But how does it happen? I mean, what.

What did I do, right?

I mean, a lot of times it has to do. Did it happen? Was he using his fingers, or were you having sex? Was using a toy? Do you remember what was happening? And I can. Maybe I can explain to you more.

Sure.

He was using his fingers.

Okay.

And I was standing, and he was sitting on the left seat.

Oh, okay. Well, this makes sense. So if you were standing, it means that your legs were closer together. You were probably tensing and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles, and you're probably clenching them together a little bit tighter too. So when you're standing, I actually. That's a really great way to squirt. I've squirted that way. And so I think that's probably why you were squeezing your pelvic floor muscles. He was using his fingers to penetrate you, going in and out and hitting your G spot. So maybe try that again. It really is just continual stimulation of the G spot. It helps to already be aroused to have, like a clitoral orgasm first. For some women, it helps to, like, kind of rub over the pubic mound, like right above your clitoris using the magic wand vibrator. Kind of works for a lot of people. Yeah, Use that over your pubic mound. Have him use his fingers and then place the magic wand on your pubic mound. But that's where you pie pressure with it. I'm telling you, it's been like this. We had the owners of Magic Wand a few months ago. We love them. And I'm like, have you heard this a lot too? They're like, yeah, all the time. So that's what happens for years. Yes.

Before I ever even discovered you, I was reading up and. And found one, and I thought, this is a good toy.

Amazing. You know, they haven't. They. You know, it's why. I don't know when you got it, but they have one that's wireless now. A cordless. Oh, yeah. You don't even need to plug it in. Yeah, you don't need to plug it in. And it's just as powerful. It's cordless. I know. It was huge. When that came out four years ago, like, we had a parade. It was only in our office, but we were excited. Yeah. So that's what it is. It's all G spot. Play with the toys, play with his fingers, and stand up straight. That all makes sense to me. So I would try to recreate that. Okay. Awesome. All right, Go to you. And again, don't feel pressure, Sydney. But, you know, why not see how it goes again. Thanks, Sydney. Next up, we have Jim, 49, in Texas, who needs some help relaxing during sex. Hey, Jim. Tell me everything.

Hey, gang. How are you guys doing?

We're so good. Okay. So what's on your mind during sex?

I get it.

I guess mostly worrying about getting an erection, I guess.

Okay. Because you haven't been getting one lately. Or.

Again, it's very inconsistent.

Okay.

And at times, like, I've actually lost some weight and I'm exercising a lot more and doing a lot more things than I. But then, for some reason, I've actually had a harder time getting an erection.

Okay. Are you taking any medications?

No.

Okay.

And also, have you gotten your testosterone.

Checked, Your hormone levels checked?

I have not.

That's where I would send you first. I'm telling you, you know, over 40, you're with me, men, your testosterone levels drop. And if you're otherwise living a healthy lifestyle, I would think that losing weight and exercising and being healthy wouldn't have an impact. And if you're still into your partner and you're still, like, enjoying that, there's not, like, resentments build up, and it's just really like, oh, my God, my penis usually stays hard, and now it's not. Or it can't get hard. I would talk to your doctor and get your. Your levels checked if that's the reason you can't relax.

I guess the other thing sometimes. Yeah, getting women really relaxed it worked a lot better, obviously. But then other times I, I'm almost ahead of time thinking, okay, I'm gonna have a problem here. And then I.

Right, okay. So this is so great. So Jim, this is like the classic, like this happens to, to everybody, men and women. We're like, it only has to happen one time for guys sometimes to premature ejaculate or not get hard. And then they all, it becomes like this self fulfilling prophecy, right? Like self fulfilling penis. I was trying to give like self fulfilling penis prophecy that you're like, oh, I'm not gonna get hurt. I'm not gonna say hard and then it's gonna happen. So I would say that it's really about retraining your brain. And this is just the, the same. Have you ever done any like mindfulness or meditation exercises?

Jim?

Is he gone?

I think he's gone.

You know, it's like, it's. The thing I want to tell you is that we all do this during sex. We like orgasm block ourself. Or we get so in our heads about how do I look, what does my partner think? Or that like, I'm not gonna have an orgasm because I never had an orgasm. And then sure enough, you're not going to have an orgasm. So my best tips is that like go easy on yourself, but then also learn to kind of retrain your brain and to. When you're in that moment, like the second your thought goes to, I'm not gonna have an orgasm, you have to replace it with. For me, what works is being in the moment. Like, okay, I go to that thought and then I think, oh, I'm looking at my partner, I'm feeling my hands on their body. I try to incorporate all of my senses. So like touch my hands are my partner's body. I'm seeing my partner's beautiful face. I'm smelling this amazing candle that I just lit. I'm hearing the music. And when you anchor yourself in what's happening, present time, in the moment, you, you can't be in your head tripping about an erection or about your orgasm. It just, it immediately drops you into the moment. And I do that even when I'm just like during the day. If I'm stressed about something, I try to remember to do that. So that also can help you during sex, but then sometimes bring your partner into it. Like, I think sometimes we silently suffer through this stuff. When partners were like, oh, I hope he doesn't notice how to get an erection. Or you know, he's with, or she didn't notice. Yeah, right. I hope she didn't notice that, like, I'm. Whatever that I'm. Or I'm concerned it happened last time and will it happen again this time? Or I can't have an orgasm and then we just trip it up. But if you're like, listen, I realize the last few times, I know that one time I make an erection, but I really believe the last three times because I'm freaking tripped about it. And then if your partner's like, okay, then they can like, laugh about it. I'm telling you, having some levity, then you'd be like, oh, okay. You don't think it's a big deal? I don't think it's a big deal. And then it might just. Might just pop up. It might pop up. I think it was. Look what popped up. Look who showed up. It's my erection. Welcome to the bedroom. It's been a while.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739, or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to 8cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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