How Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Your Sex Life

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Be vulnerable. Put yourself out there. You are meant to get rejected until you find your person that's part of life. Like, I don't understand the whole fear. Well, what if I rejected? Okay, what if? So what then?

At least you tried, right? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I'm sitting down with Violet Benson. She has built a community of over 5 million followers by being refreshingly honest about dating and relationships. In this conversation, Violet opens up about her decision to temporarily step back from penetrative sex while working through her own patterns around intimacy and attachment. She shares her experience freezing her eggs. And we dive into her philosophy on embracing clinginess in dating. Why being vulnerable and authentic is the antidote to our current dating culture. Violet takes my sex IQ quiz from my book Smart Sex, and we tackle a listener question about whether it's worth pursuing someone with red flags just for the physical chemistry. My intention is to model what it looks like to be vulnerable in ways that ultimately serve your sex life and relationships. I think we can all learn how to identify our patterns more clearly and stop playing games that keep us from real connection. All right, let's get into the episode. Violet Benson is a blogger, comedian, television host, and Internet personality, most known for her Instagram page, Daddy Issues, and her bi weekly podcast, Almost Adulting. She's been featured by mtv, notably providing pre show coverage for the video Music Awards and Vanity Fair name the Instagram Meme queen. She rose to prominence curating original memes, earning a following of over 5 million Instagram followers on her Daddy issues account and an additional million followers across her personal and podcast accounts. All right, let's get into the conversation. Violet Benson. Hi, beauty. So good to see you.

So good to see you too. Welcome to my home.

It's. I love being in your home. It's always evolving. I love that it's so colorful and bright right now. Yeah, energetically. I feel like you're in a good place.

Yes, I am.

I love that.

Yes.

Tell me everything. Last time you were on the podcast, you said you had stopped dating.

Wow.

Okay, so catch us up, Violet, because, you know, on your podcast, you give a lot of advice, you're very immersed in dating, and you help others.

I feel like I'm actually always dating. Like, I think I'm not dating, but I'm actually never alone. I'm never single. And I think I'm just such a lover girl in a weird way where I just love, love. But one thing that I did do the past year is where I decided to stop having sex for me, because I felt like I want to work on myself. And I felt that I didn't know how to have intimacy with someone without just sleeping with them and just assuming that's intimacy, because I struggle with intimacy in general with daddy issues. And I think I was myself emotionally unavailable. And instead of getting to know someone sometimes, I would just be thinking about sex a lot. And. And by the way, I can count on both hands the amount of men that I've slept with. So it's not like I was just getting into bed with every person, but it was more that I choose someone. I don't know them at all, I have sex with them, and I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna love them now for the next six months, and then it's not working out. It doesn't matter. I'm not seeing the red flags, and I'm ignoring it. Cause I'm like, well, it was already inside of me, so you should try to make it work. And it's like, if I didn't sleep with that person, it wouldn't have clouded my judgment. And I would have been like, hey, you know what? He hates the Jews. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't be having sex with the guy that wants my people kill. You know, I'm. Obviously, I'm being sarcastic, but you get what I'm saying. It's. It's like you kind of open your eyes versus, yeah, but that was him last week. Like, he's changed. He hasn't met me yet.

You're saying you place a lot of value on the penetrative sex and you thought that maybe if you didn't have penetration, but you just sort of were with others, like, that's the culturally. Like, we will keep our numbers down. Like you just said to me, I can count on one hand, right? So much shame. Both hands.

So much.

Let's not get crazy. Both hands. For you and for many women, when we have sex with somebody, penis goes into our vagina. We are. It's someone's entering us. We become attached.

It's more about how it makes me feel and it's my boundaries with myself. A lot of times I think we have all these fears and we don't realize that we can fix those fears if we create boundaries with them instead. So, for example, if my fear is that if I sleep with someone, they're not going to treat me the way I want to be treated, or I'm going to feel unloved, or my fear is that it's going to really get to me and it's going to put me in some bad mental state. I'm not going to shame myself for going through those experiences. I've decided to change my perspective regarding that instead of like, okay, you know what? That's just who I am. That's how I deal with things. It's going to happen to me and I'm not going to suppress it. So instead I turn my fear into a boundary. Meaning my boundary now is to not just sleep with someone too fast. Because then if it doesn't work out or if they make me feel unloved, I can walk away from it. Versus in the past, I would just continue chasing them. And now it's more like a. It becomes my unresolved childhood trauma that I'm just not trying to go towards.

Okay, that sounds like a really healthy way to deal with it. And it's probably a little bit of both. Like maybe you felt attached, but also psychologically, we get into patterns where you feel, like, I sleep with someone, I'm attached. So sometimes I think we can work around that. You don't have to be attached because you. It's a pattern of being attached to somebody. But the point is, what you're saying right now, it does.

If something doesn't make me feel good.

Yeah, I'm just going to do it. That's such a great lesson. I feel like that's a lesson for so many people that we don't often pay attention to that at all. So you're like, okay, I'm not going to do that. And now I'm just going to date, but have no.

Yeah. So first it was. And it will all happen because I think sometime the end of 2021, I was trying to have a, like a one night stand with this guy and then, and then we just end up dating. And then I was doing my normal thing where I flip flop wanting a man to chase me. And then when I flip flop, they leave because they're like f this. And then I suddenly just attached this fantasy to this guy and I would just be thinking about him a lot. And I know it had to do with the fact that we already slept together. So that's why after him I'd said, okay, enough. It doesn't make me feel good. I created a whole fantasy of someone that I actually don't actually know.

No, it's always like lack of information.

Aside from that, I'm not actually chasing that person because I do have a choice and I can stop at any time. I'm purposely chasing someone who's ignoring me because they make me feel exactly how I deep down feel about myself. Which is like I'm not enough understanding myself so much better because people think sex is just sex. It's not just sex.

It's not.

It's so much more and it has a lot to do with you. So I decided, okay, I'm just not going to sleep with men till I figure out and work on myself where I feel like I am good enough and I don't attach how someone treats me as my value. Then I started dating again. But I just kept my boundary. My fear turned into a boundary where I just wasn't sleeping with guys. But of course, you know, I still have needs. So I still really, you know, enjoyed doing other things. So I was still one guy dated for a couple of months. Like we still did oral sex on one another. But it made me feel for me personally like I took my power back because I felt that in some way I put such an emphasis on sex that my power got taken away. I lost control when I would sleep with someone. Because a lot of times we think if a woman sleeps with a man too fast, we think that, oh, now he's changed, he's different. But a lot of the time he hasn't changed. He's the same person. But maybe we've changed because now we're paying more attention did he always not text me in the morning or is he not texting me in the morning now because we had sex together? And that's when you get in your head and that's when you start to act differently. So a lot of times that happens. But if I'm not sleeping with someone, I'm acting the same and they're acting the same. Like I'm texting with a guy. I responded to him last night. He hasn't responded yet. I'm not sitting here crying over it.

So we're talking about penetration. We're saying you could do everything but like you're going down on him, he's going down on you. Everything happens. Maybe they meet your parents, I don't know. Everything happens. But the penetration. The penetration for you is that deciding factor where you're like, you don't get attached.

That's what I put in my head.

But that's, that makes sense. And I think it's like psychological and.

Biological and emotional and I'll convince myself that I like someone more than actually like them. So I always get attached, but it's minimal. It's not a way where my attachment happens to connect with my childhood trauma that I thought that you're not enough. Okay, here's the thing. A lot of times when it comes to dating, and I've studied this a lot, is that healthy relationships can feel uncomfortable for people who didn't grow up with healthy love. So if I only know love where, like for example, with my father growing up where I had to chase to earn that love, then I finally felt like I earned it and deserved it. How is it going to look nor feel normal to me when it's me and another person where they're just freely giving their love to me?

Yeah, you're like, oh, this is too easy. It must not be real love. I need the struggle. Love is a struggle.

I started to notice I would break up with the guys and literally a full on pattern where I break up with guys and then I chase them for them to forgive me. I finally stopped and then I, I was freezing my ex. I was in so many hormones and I did that again. And I felt very bad about myself for doing that, for repeating a pattern that I thought I healed from and made me feel like shit. I didn't realize that the hormones were in me.

While the hormones are intense. I want to hear about your egg freezing too, but I just want to say something that you said about changing our patterns. And here's like a news flash, everybody. I don't think that we ever completely change. You don't heal mental illness. You don't stop patterns. I think that you learn to manage things and you get better. So the fact that you even.

You get better bouncing back.

You get better bouncing back. You're like, okay, that was bad. I fell down, and I got back up a lot quicker. It's not about how many times you fell down. It's how quickly you get back up. So maybe you didn't beat yourself about it for days. You're like, up. There I go. But it's really, really hard to change these patterns that are so deeply ingrained, especially in how you gre.

Yeah. I mean, it took me forever to realize that I was repeating a pattern. I'm always the one breaking up with them, only to then chase them to try to earn that love. And it's so silly.

Do you ever tell them that? Like, first date. Do you ever say to them, hey, this is this thing? Because sometimes I've done that too. I said, listen, this is a thing that I do. I'm trying to remember what that thing was. Or, like, I'm gonna. You're gonna probably think at some point that I don't really like you, and then I'm pulling away. But I don't really mean to be doing that. So if this ever comes up, let me know. Or if you ever feel like I have a thing where I'm not great at a weird. I'm always like, well, I'm doing this and I'm doing that if you want to come. And I make people feel. They hate that. So I was like, if you ever feel that way, let me know, because I know it's a pattern. So I'm wondering if you could ever warn guys that you do this thing and just say, be on a lookout for that, because then it takes the power away from it. And if you do it, you guys can kind of laugh about it. Every time I see you, like tombs of research, you're reading, you're writing, you're talking, you're helping your listeners. You're working on yourself. I feel like you're making so much progress. I don't have it. Seen the guys you've been dating, I haven't heard about, but hopefully they're men that are following along. I saw some pictures, but I didn't talk to them. They looked cute. They were different. I loved it. I know they seemed very different, but hopefully you're, you know, getting your needs met from them. And how is the sex when you are having the oral variety.

It's exciting. I haven't had oral this year. This year I haven't. I've only kissed three guys this year and it hasn't gone anywhere where I touched their privacy. They touched mine. I would say it's been a dry year even for me. I'm not sure what happened this year.

We were freezing eggs.

Oh, yeah.

Should we get to that? Tell me about that experience to freeze your eggs. What was the decision like?

I think it was good that I was freezing my eggs and I, for whatever reason, just post about it once and I didn't realize how many other women want to know more about it. So then I started to document it because I wasn't planning on doing it before. And I think it's good for women to freeze their eggs at a younger age to preserve their eggs. And that's what I was doing it for. I wasn't doing it because I was infertile or anything like that, or because I want a baby tomorrow. Because the women of IVF are whole other world and they're also very sensitive and they take everything very personally because they're going through the struggle of not being able to have babies and to go through all of that. So you can kind of save yourself some of the headache if you start thinking, yeah, you're getting ahead of it.

Because you're like, I don't want the pressure that every guy I'm with or whatever that I have that, you know, now you can wait.

Well, one thing that a lot of men don't know or women don't know is that men in their late 30s, early 40s, around 40% of men are infertile around that age. Because I think there's always this whole thing about the women.

Yeah, it's always women's fault, our responsibility.

But a lot of the time now it's the guys.

Yeah, their sperm isn't viable. But we always blame the women. Women got so much of the brunt of it. Like, I can't get pregnant, there's something wrong with me. But, like, it turns out your sperm gets kind of funky too after a while. We all have to as you get older.

No, it's just this whole shame around everything is exhausting. People shame you for everything. And it's the most random people on the Internet who will just shame you and bring you down because they don't feel good about themselves. And it's not easy. Sometimes you can just pass through it. Who cares? Whatever. But. But sometimes you're also having a shit day and Then that one comment really does get to you.

How do you handle it?

I can tell the difference with how I respond or not respond or how I react the rest of my day, whether or not I'm having a good day or not.

Right? You're like, today, yeah, yeah, yesterday this comment would have been fine, but today I'm going to take it down.

Look, at the end of the day, things don't affect you unless deep down a part, you believe some part of it to be true. That's why a lot of times people talk shit about me. I usually don't take offense. And I've always said people always like, wow, you're so good at not caring. And I said, if someone talks badly about you when you actually care, you get really offended. The truth is, and you don't want to hear this, but it is the truth. Deep down, a part of you believes that to be true. And that's what you're taking so personally. So if someone suddenly tells me you're going to be single forever and I'm having a bad day because I feel like that, yeah, of course it's going to hurt my feelings. Or who's going to take advice from an old hag, you're going to be single forever. That person could be right because that's how I felt today. And, you know, that's why you have to just stay away from things that are not good for mental health. I'm not saying then don't grow at all as a person, but is that feedback that I need or is that just plain someone who's mean because they want to see my tits and I won't post them, so they want to put me down till actually then finally, like, good. Oh, you're right. Here are my tits.

What do you do in those moments? Do you have any, like, mental health tools for when you start going down a track when it doesn't feel good?

What I do is what I've learned. And I would say I've learned this more towards the end of last year and this year is to give myself grace. And it seems such a simple thing, but it's not. Sometimes when people say mean things to me and it doesn't offend me, it's because I've literally said worse things to myself. That's why you can't hurt me. So no one talks to ourselves worse than we do. We would never speak the way we talk to ourselves to our best friend. So that is why I started to give myself grace. And I've learned now that When I'm repeating patterns, like, especially when I was going through the mood swings of the.

When I'm in a whole thing.

I mean, that's one thing that's being.

Said period times 20.

The doctors, everyone's so focused on your physical health. No one tells you the emotional toll that's going to take. And then they gaslight you that other people are over exaggerating. So then you think you're. I thought I was going mental towards the end of my stuff. I literally thought I was going mad in my brain and there was something wrong with me. I was feeling suicidal. I was feeling so emotional I would just cry for no reason. I broke up with a gu was dating because I was like, you don't care about me. No one cares about me. No one gives a about what I'm going through. And I literally had a friend staying with me and she would be like, hey, do you need anything? No, I'm fine. And I'll go in my room and be like, no one even gives a about me. Like, I don't. So sorry for swearing. Like, no one cares. I don't get it. And it's like she just asked me and I said I was fine because I don't know how to ask for help. And then I'm sitting there, no one's checking in. Well, guess what? If you keep acting like you're okay, no one's going to ask you if you're okay. You can't always just expect people to read your mind.

So have you learned to, like, reach out then to people and let them know you need.

I mean, the egg freezing just recently happened. So I would say. The thing is, like you said, we never fully grow out of certain patterns that we have. But the reason you're able to give yourself grace is because, you know, I used to feel guilty when I would repeat an old pattern because I thought I've outgrown it. But then I learned, no, it's not about never repeating something. It's how you handle it afterwards, which was just what we talked about. So that means I repeat a pattern and now I know, oh, shit, it's happening. Okay, I can get out of it or I can make myself feel better. I can stop myself before it gets worse, before I spiral. So that's how I'm able to really understand that I'm growing. That's how you grow.

That's exactly. You notice it right before you go down the path.

Exactly. And I think you have to do what works for you. Like for some people talking to other people. For other people, it's just sleeping the whole day. But just don't make yourself feel bad about what you need to do for your process. For me, I'm a very logical person. So when I have too many emotions, I don't know how to handle them because I need to attach them to things. And I've learned I can't always attach my emotions to what it is. But what's helped me, when I was feeling suicidal, all those emotions, I went on Reddit because I kept Googling what happens after you freeze your eggs? And they were like, women will be fine. They go back to the work the next day. But I was in excruciating physical, not just medical pain. I was fine leading up to it. So everyone else that I talked to that were suffering, needles didn't bother me. I wasn't bloating, nothing. I even lost a pound or two. But then after retrieving my eggs two, three days, I couldn't sit or walk. I was now getting angry because I can't sit or walk, because I'm in pain, physical pain. The doctor, they didn't give me any painkillers. And then I finally was like. I told, something's wrong, something's wrong. They're not listening to me. You're gonna be fine. I wasn't fine. Thankfully, I have painkillers on me that then they told me to take. But then my mental say wasn't like, at this point, I'm just all out. And that's when I Googled, when I'm ready, chat, Reddit chat. All these women talking about the hormones and their emotions. And I was like, okay, okay, okay. So it's in my head.

Yes.

Everyone doesn't hate me. Everyone. People do care about me. Because that's the thing about your brain is so powerful. It's the most powerful muscle we have. Your brain will try to prove your thoughts to be true. So if I sit here and I say, everyone hates me, my brain will try to make that into a fact subconsciously, because then you can facts in.

The environment to support it. This person didn't text you back? That person?

Yeah.

So it's like operating systems go on the fritz.

Exactly. So I will either then start to go back in my memories and recreate false memories of when people didn't love me or care about me, or I could sit right here and you and I can have a completely different reality where you think we're having a very good conversation, we're getting to know each other. I'm thinking the way she's nodding her head at me. She's being so condescending. She's being. And that could become my reality. Me. And then if you tell me that's not the case, I'll say, well, you're gaslighting me. Of course you would gaslight me because you think I'm stupid. Because you. No, I'm projecting. Because I deep down think something. One time my dad called me stupid. Now I'm projecting on you. And I'm saying, you think I'm stupid. You don't think anything. I think that. And that's where it always goes back. So you give yourself grace once you realize what the logical state. Okay, this is just in my head. It's not real. The next morning I woke up and you just started talking nicely to yourself. You say. I said, you know, it didn't work out with me and me and that guy. I explained to him what happened. He didn't want to try again. Literally, his loss. And I was like, I'm lovable. Everyone loves me.

They do.

And then I walk around and I feel loved.

It's like positive affirmations and checking your stories. Yeah, that's it.

But people don't realize. They think it has to do with manifesting. Oh, yeah. Positive affirmation. Manifest. No, it's science. It's your brain.

Your brain. Science. Especially hormones. Hormones can get. You think about pms. When I first started getting my period, but it was like I would automatically, like three days before it takes. And it takes years and years because you actually think the thoughts you're having before your period are real. That I'm a terrible person. Everything I believe to be true about me is wrong. Everyone, whatever your thing is your hates me. I'm not enough. I'm stupid. And then all of a sudden you get your period. You're like, oh, it's my period. But that happens for so many years. And you're like, oh, I got.

Every month.

Everything's fine every month. Usually think that we would learn, but I do that. I've convinced myself, like, everything. Shit. I'm like, oh, God, thank God. I wish there was some kind of PSA we could tell. Like young women. Like, you're going to feel this way on the 25th day, right before your period. It's going to happen. Well, when you're freezing your eggs, there is even more hormones in your body. So you're mimicking PMS times like 100. So my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry, that sounds really frigging Painful. But now you've got some eggs, right?

Yes. I froze 20 eggs.

Okay, good. One less thing to worry about.

Yeah.

You did it, girl. Stay tuned, because after the break, Violet takes the Sex IQ quiz and helps me answer a listener question. So I wrote this book, smart sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. I said to you, copy last night, I'm very, very, very excited about this book because it's basically as, you know, all the years that I've been doing this work for, you know, working with millions of people over the years, I realized that without a strong foundation of understanding these pillars of sexual health, we're not going to have the sex life and pleasure we deserve. Because I started writing the book and, you know, I have a million tips. We've been talking for years, but I was like, what's the organizing principle about it? Like, what do we actually need to know? So I organized into these five principles that are going to help people feel smarter sexually or just feel like they can be on top of it. So I created this quiz, and no one's taken the quiz yet.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited.

So you're gonna be the first person to take the quiz, and everyone can take the quiz. There's just like 15 questions. For each question, I want you to answer strongly disagree. Disagree. Neither agree nor disagree or agree or strongly agree. I can even show it to you as we're going. These are your options, right? You're gonna say either I strongly disagree.

Disagree. Neither agree. Okay.

Okay, ready?

Disagree.

This just, like, don't even overthink it. Like, just see what comes to you. Okay, ready? During sex, I'm able to be present and focus on enjoying my body sensations and notice what does or doesn't feel good.

Strongly agree.

Nice. I masturbate regularly and have a good understanding of how to give myself an orgasm.

Strongly agree.

Winning. I mean, we talk. I enjoy and feel comfortable both giving and receiving oral sex.

Disagree.

I've experimented with incorporating sex toys into my sexual repertoire.

Strongly agree.

I even brought you more today. I know. It turns beyond and how I want to feel during sex, whether it's being worshiped or in charge or even something like being disrespected or degraded.

Strongly agree.

Great. Okay.

Wow. Okay. I didn't. I wasn't expecting. I'm actually surprised myself. I wasn't expecting to be so on top of it.

Yeah, I feel like you are really, really aware. Your score is a 69, believe it or not, 75.

I love that.

Now I want to Explain to somebody. With these dealer players, you're never like, it's not like you're dumb sexually or you have a lot of work. Not you, but anyone taking the quiz. We all have these pillars that we need to work on in our lifetime. Like, sometimes we'll feel stronger in others, and sometimes we'll feel like one area. I feel really great in my body, but maybe I'm not communicating as well with a partner right now. So I just want everyone to know that this. It's important to take this quiz throughout your lifetime because it's gonna help right now.

And I think the big. The big most. The best thing about you and why I think everyone should buy this book. And we're going to talk about. Also my podcast for the Sex IQ is the fact foreplay. You are so adamant about the fact the foreplay starts outside the bedroom, and a lot of people don't realize that. And that's what you help to teach me. So if I would have taken this quiz, let's say when we met three years ago, a lot of those would have been disagree, including loving my body and all of that, or be comfortable about what turns me on. And those things, it would have been so focused on the male gaze, because.

That'S what we talked about our first conversation.

Boyfriend. So now I came here with all saying strongly agree to all these questions because, you know, I have people like you in my life because I got to work on myself because I masturbated and learn more about myself, because now I know what I like, what I don't like, and I don't feel shame around it. But even now, after working so much of myself, one of those questions, I still said disagree.

Yeah, that was the oral sex one, which we can go back to. But I want to tell you that I'm getting a little bit emotional because I know that. Well, no, in a good way, because we first met at 4. Four years ago.

Yeah.

We were sitting there to your podcast, and it started out, and you were like, you really hadn't done a lot of this work yet, because most people don't about your body. And I think you started out asking about you watch.

Yes. She came on my podcast when it used to be called Too Tired to Be Crazy. And all my questions were about how to give the best head to a man, how to do this to make the man happy. Have a line. She goes, wait, what about our pleasure? And I'm like, oh, well, you know.

Yeah.

And, you know, because, you see, you were in a culture when we Focus so much on porn and the male pleasure, we don't even think of ourselves. You know, if. I mean, if I come, then, yeah, I come. Whatever. It's the best day ever. But it's not. It's not necessary.

And as long as he came, we were happy. But we didn't know about it. So. I love your journey here, Violet.

Yeah. Like, the first time I had anal, I wasn't ready for it, but my boyfriend wanted to do it, right. You know, now I would never do that. Now I'm into anal because I want to do it.

Exactly. We don't just roll over and do the anal. We don't go from zero to anal if it's not our jam. Well, I can read you what these meant, what your score meant real quick. You're in control of your sexuality and are deeply in tune with your body. This helps you to be more present in the moment. During sex, you likely prioritize your own pleasure as well as your mental and physical health and feel comfortable expressing your needs in and out of the bedroom. You're also attuned to your partner's wants and needs. To evolve your sex IQ even more, perhaps consider trying a new kink position or roleplay fantasy. There's always more ways to explore. Um, and forever. Listen, if you want to take the sex IQ quiz, go to sex with emily.com book the full quiz is 15 questions. If you want to learn how to boost your sex iq, be sure to pre order copy of Smart Sex comes out June 13, but if you pre order now, you'll get the quiz right away. You did awesome.

Yay.

Yay. Violet, if you want to get into oral sex, we can talk about that. But we also have a question I want you to help me answer from a listener.

Let's do the listener question first. Then we'll get into the oral sex.

Okay, cool. This is from Mia. She's 45 in Tokyo. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been in long term relationships with women and have always been identified as lesbian or pansexual. After a breakup with a long term relationship with a woman during the pandemic, I took a break from relationships until I felt I was ready to date again. This year, I started dating apps for lesbians or women only and inclusive to all genders. The most surprising thing was that I got attracted to a cisgender man who knew about my past relationships with women. It was a summer fling because I thought our values did not match. But what I really miss about him is the physical intimacy. We haven't been in contact for two months, and I'm not sure if I should just make the first move. He just moved to Tokyo, and I think he wants to explore more. How can I detach emotional attachment from physical intimacy? So far since I started the dating app, he's the only one I've been interested in. Even though I've seen a lot of red flags and do not see him as a partner, Should I make the first move just for physical intimacy? Thanks for reading this. I enjoy your podcasts.

I feel like she's not hearing herself right. She's answering her own question. She keeps saying, I've seen all the red flags. He doesn't like me focusing on other people. Should I reach out? I mean, I'm not into him. Should I reach out? I don't love him. Should I reach out? Are you sure? I think she's not being honest with herself. I think that's usually where it starts. We forget sometimes we're not honest with ourselves. I mean, I've seen the raffle. Just say it to yourself. I got attached. I liked how this person made me feel. I miss the feeling of how this person made me feel, because then you'll understand. Oh, wait, I don't miss the actual person because there's all these red flags and all these things that I like about it. So what do I miss? Oh, I miss maybe having a penis inside of me, or I miss a male body on top of me, or I miss the way he held me because it reminded me of being held by my father or whatever. Things like that. You know what I mean? So I think then you say, okay, so now I can take those little things and I can find that in a new partner. But why would you go back? I think this is where we forget when it comes to dating. In order to make it work with someone, the other person needs someone to make it work with you as well. We always sit there and we're like, should I go back? Should I not? They don't even want you. So really, what are you asking this question for? Work on yourself to figure out why you felt this attachment to this person. Because obviously there's certain things that he gave you that you really enjoyed, which. There's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, exactly. I think that's are all really, really good points. And it seems sort of fraught, and she's not even sure about it. So I think you made a great point, too, that sometimes, you know, she says, should I make the first move just for physical intimacy? Find other people. You can there's a lot of people to be physically intimate with that we're.

Not being honest with ourselves. Instead of just admitting that you still have feelings for this person, we feel shame around it. So we say, well, I mean, this person sucks. And also this and this and this. And it's in a weird way minimizes our feelings for that person. The fact that you already obviously probably asked your friends who all told you no, and now you went the extra step and you reached out to Emily with this question, hoping you'll get a different answer. That already tells me.

Exactly.

Come on.

Sometimes your friends don't know, though. That is true. And we're glad they reach out. But I totally agree with you. We've been in contact you for two months. I make the first move. She says, how can I detach emotional attachment from physical intimacy? And I think that's challenging. It's not so binary. You can't be like, I'm just going to be physical with this person and cut off, lobotomize my emotional.

I think we as women are doing ourselves a disservice and we just need to be more honest with ourselves. And that doesn't mean that you still can't go around having casual sex. It does. It just means when you're honest with yourself, that you know what you're getting into and then you can set your boundaries whether or not you're comfortable with it.

So true. It's not for everybody. Some people have shameovers every time they have casual sex. They're like, why ourselves?

Oh, why I can't be like a man? You can whoever you want. Or you shame your friends because they won't anyone else. Well, sorry, because for me, I will cry about it for a week. I don't want to do that.

Yeah, right. It's like self awareness. I think we're talking a lot about self awareness now, which is great.

And also with yourself.

Exactly. Now, you recently shared on Instagram post about clinginess. I wanted to ask you about this. How do we embrace place cleanliness more in dating and relationships? Like what? How do you define cleanliness?

Well, I think. I think I share that because my friend Todd Barrett came on my podcast and he's amazing and I love him.

I love Todd. He's a friend of mine too.

And he's the one. Yes, he loves you. And he's the one who said, be more clingy. And I actually really like that because I think when we get older and it we're still dating, we get so set in our Ways that it's hard for us to open up, and it's hard for us to add someone into our schedule, and it's hard for us to not bring all of our jadedness into it. So I think we start to think because, A, we all have different definitions of what being clingy is or what being needy is and all that. And I think sometimes people want to know that you care about them. And I think sometimes we don't realize that we're not the only ones in our head in this relationship. The other person is as well. So if I'm avoiding doing my best to not be clingy, which means I'm not being myself, because maybe I am a clingy person, and then, A, I'm not being true to myself, but B, maybe the other person actually liked that, and then that other person thinks I don't like them, so then they take a step back. Like, I actually listened to Todd's advice, and now I usually say nothing I don't like to. I don't really used to not tell a partner if I like them or not, or I wouldn't reach out at all. And now I'm like, you know what? Why not be more flirty? Make them feel wanted. Make them feel like, exactly.

It's that whole cool girl thing. Like, I'm gonna be cool. I'm not gonna be vulnerable. I can show them, but why not let someone know right away that you're into them?

As long as you just don't attach needing something in return. Because people could only hurt you if you need something from them. And that means in any type of way in life. So, for example, if I'm dating someone and I need validation back, then don't do it. If you're doing it for them to feel good, and now you feel good. That's all you needed, then do it. Like the. Yesterday I texted one of the guys I'm talking to, and I'm like, hey, cutie. Hope you have a beautiful day. Like, I wasn't thinking, well, he should text me first. I texted him because I knew that's part of quote, unquote, oh, look at me being clingy. No. And he tried texting with me the whole day after that. Does that mean now I'm like, well, is he. It's his turn to text me today. And things like, no, I felt good about myself that I sent that in my brain. I thought, wow, it's just gonna make it more obsessed with me.

Yeah, you just honored where you were at. And you went with it. You didn't overthink it.

Yes.

You let someone know how you feel.

This other guy, text him a picture of us. And I was like, look at us. How good do we look? You know, I just kept it super chill. It's only when you need something from people, is when you start to get your feelings hurt. Whether you need love from someone, you need them to help you with your job promotion, you need them validation, need them to pick you up. That's when your anger. Because anger and rage, it comes from what you think someone owed you that they didn't give you.

And also, you've shared with someone what you want. You gave them an opportunity to respond or not. But rather than, like, withholding, they don't respond in the way you want or they don't return the thing. Return it. Then you know, then you have more information. Like, then you're like, I like this person. I'm letting them know that they didn't respond in a way that made me feel good. They don't know it to me, but now I have more information. Maybe they don't feel the same way, but that's okay, too. What I'm saying is being clingy, I think, also shows that you are testing this relationship. Think of how many months you could go in a relationship. Think, I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to wait to know if they like me or not. But right away you can find out. Yeah, are we lying? Because you waste a lot of freaking time playing games.

You get to find out the opposite.

Of not being clingy is just playing games and playing it cool.

Exactly. And look, you will always be clingy or needy or too much for the wrong person, but with the right person, your energy.

I remember one time, like, Todd's always, like, be that person.

I remember one time my friend was dating this guy and he was trying to make her feel better. And it still kills me to this day, his advice. And he goes, I mean, look, I mean, you are too clingy. Wait, wait, let me finish. You are too clingy. But you're too clingy for me. But I'm sure you're not actually a clingy person. And I was like, holy. That's worse. Because you just said you're too clingy for me. But that doesn't mean that you're a clingy person. So I don't understand these shameful words. We're like, oh, I must be too clean. I'm too needy. That person is just not into you.

You're always gonna find someone who we just cling enough for.

You're gonna be always gonna be too clingy for someone that actually doesn't want to date you.

Exactly. I just think that all these signs like how great to know that you're not aligned with somebody. How wonderful to know that sooner than later. I think this deep fear that we are not love. Well, you said that's your big fear of not being lovable. I think that's.

Was.

Was. Well, no, I think it's always. I think I have. That I have a fear of not being lovable, not being enough. Being.

Yeah.

I think it's a common human condition that we deep deep down, we're afraid that we are not going to be lovable. I think that is human suffering. I do. And I think that the reason why we have all these games of dating and we want to. We don't want her was because ultimately that we are so afraid of rejection and that go back to the womb like. Like, you know, my mother didn't care for me or is going to leave me or abandon me. It's like abandonment. I believe we all variations of that fear.

Or you fear or. The problem is you're like. Well, it. It's a. Playing games now with this weird dating culture where people are lonelier now more than ever. So that al a tells you how much the dating culture is not working out. People are long. The research shows that people are having.

Less sex than they ever have ever before. What do you think about that? Not just. It's not just you.

You. Yeah, it's not just you, Violet.

The stats is based on you having less sex. Everyone's having less sex. Why do you think that is? What's your notion?

People are not connecting.

It's because in person we could do this on zoom, but we didn't just that.

It's like you said, people foreplay stars outside of the bedroom. This is like such an emphasis. And I think a lot of people don't realize that. They think it's just sex. No, it's communication.

Communication.

It's loving yourself and. And you know, your sex iq, all of that. And you're feeling smart sex.

That's right, baby.

It starts outside the bedroom. The conversations. What you're comfortable with all of that? Yeah, I don't. I Dating culture, it's not working out. I think people need to start learning how to connect again. And all these games of like, well, I'm. I'm winning because I'm I'm playing. Are you really winning? Because in the end you're losing because you lost the other person or you made the other person feel like when you keep playing games, you actually never end up then opening yourself up to love and to intimacy and to learning more about yourself and the other person. And. And, you know, you're really. You're losing. You're not winning anything when you're the one to end up being, you know, the first other person likes you more. Cool. At least they still can love. At least they're still working on themselves enough. And at least they know, like, I'm so proud of myself when it doesn't work out with someone. I'm like, you know what? At least I try. Like, I'm proud of myself that no matter how much everything I've gone through, I can still give love to people. Because, you know, sometimes people need love more than they show it. And that's why I never regret giving anyone love. Because maybe they needed it more than I did.

Exactly. And love is not a finite resource. We have enough love. This whole scarcity mentality that you can't just love. Like, let people know how you feel they can't handle. You're too much. Your feelings are too much for them. Like, not your person. Can't emphasize that enough. I think I want to encourage people right now to take that risk of that person know, send that text right now if there's someone you've been, like, thinking about but you're like, holding back, like, well, why? I think we're gonna right now do that.

And I've done that even with one of the last guys that it didn't work out with. I tried. And I know, like, they always come back. I always say that. And I know he's gonna come back and he's gonna regret it, but I won't regret anything because I tried and I put myself out there thinking about you, blah, blah. And you know, he didn't take the bait. Did that make me feel bad about myself? I myself, literally. No, it didn't. Because I was proud of myself for putting myself out there and trying versus in the past, I would just do nothing. And look, I already found someone else. Other else's.

Elsa's. You've got else's. So what would be your top tips right now for people who are starting to go on this journey? Like, right now? Dating. We're hearing people having less sex. What are your three tips for more connection right now, More authentic dating?

Three tips? Well, a. I think it's I would say it's very important to be comfortable with your body. And that's something that you taught me. And before you ex you want anyone else to help you come, maybe figure out how to make yourself come. Like, I even try different positions with myself when I'm masturbating to see what helps me orgasm more. And I have. I imagine things in my brain. I fantasize. And it's. That's also how I know if I like someone, if I masturbate thinking about them.

Oh, right. Great tip.

So I think get comfortable with your body, because when I'm in the bedroom, regardless what weight I'm on, because I have pcos, I'm always gaining or losing weight, even if I'm in my heaviest, when I'm about to get naked, I get naked in front of the mirror while the guy's watching me, and I get turned on by myself, and then the guy gets turned on by me. He doesn't give a about where you have a stretch mark or if your left labia is more out than you write labia. Like, he doesn't. He's so excited to. To be there.

Staying in your power, your true confident.

Yeah.

As a woman.

So I think a really get to know yourself before you start dating, because if something knocks you down super easily, it's because it was already deep down in there they needed to get healed. And then number two, when it comes to dating, give people a chance. I think we write people off too fast now because of it seems like there's so much more options, even though they're not, you know, whether you're swiping right or left or you're dming someone. Instagram someone like your picture. Give people a chance. Don't write them off quickly because you may be writing them off because you're just scared of being vulnerable. And number three, be vulnerable. Put yourself out there. You are meant to get rejected until you find your person that's part of life. Like, I don't understand the whole fear. What if I get rejected? Okay, what if? So what then?

At least you tried, right? And you get stronger and it's a muscle. And after a while you're like, fine. Like, that's how you pick yourself back up. Keep falling down, keep falling down, keep getting back up.

I don't care. I rather look back and know that I've tried with certain people than look back and be like, oh, what if? Because it's usually the what if that gets us us and hold us back because we create this whole fantasy About a person of what if could have happened. If it was supposed to happen, it would have happened. Move on.

I love it. Those are great tips. Very inspiring. I love watching on your journey. Violet Benson, this is amazing. Well, thank you so much for being here. We'll ask you the five questions. I know I asked these to every one of our guests.

Okay.

You've probably answered these in the past, but it change all the time. So ready?

Okay.

Quickie questions. What's your biggest turn on?

Big hands, biggest turn off when they're not obsessed with me.

What makes good sex?

Good sex makes when the two partners are really open and you're not in your head so you're just like then having oral, then again oral. Taking breaks. Like a whole day marathon.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

That sex doesn't equal love.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That foreplay starts outside of the bedroom. I love it.

Violet Benson, thanks for being here. Where can people find you? What are all the things people can find?

My meme account at Daddy issues underscore if you're into memes, dating, relationships. Or you can find my podcast almost adulting on every Tuesday and Thursday from solo episodes to fun guests. It's the best. And it's available on all platforms. Spotify, Apple and YouTube. And you can find me, Violet Benson on Instagram.

Thanks for being here.

Thank you. Bye.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me at on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily. Com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.