How Sexually Compatible Are You?

I do believe that sexual incompatibility could be a reason to end a relationship, but never without trying. Never without trying to communicate in a different way. Tell him that how important is to you. It's not just throw away comments, but I really need your help making sure that you know I'm pleased too and how important it is to you and how you feel that he's not prioritizing your pleasure as well.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. You ever feel like your relationship is on cruise control? Do you continue to have the same conflicts, stale sex routine or toxic dynamics and want to break the cycle and be with someone who's actually a great fit? Well, I'll help you break out of all that. Today's episode is designed to help you build better sex, dating and relationship habits from incorporating kink and exploration into a relationship with someone who's more reserved to tips to work through jealousy in a relationship with. We can all learn so much from this episode. I'll also go over some exercises to build intimacy and share your top green flags when it comes to dating. All this and more on today's show Intentions With Emily for each episode, I want to start out by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you learn practical behaviors for strengthening your sexual and romantic connections and habits. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My My new article, Sexual Wellness Trends to try in 2023 is up at sex with emily.com and linked in the show notes. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sex with emily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talk-sex or 559-82557. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and you can totally change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Before we get into today's episode, I want to tell you all about Vush. You've heard me talk about Vush before. They make such incredible toys and they have a whole new campaign. It's the I come first campaign which essentially is a 30 day masturbation challenge which as you can imagine, I can get behind that. Can you? So I know that there's a lot of Concerns around masturbation. People think they don't have time for it or they feel guilty. But when you commit to masturbating, it shows that you prioritize yourself and your pleasure for an entire month. So you know you're going to see some growth and improvement. So I think you have to check out their Empress 2 clitoral vibrator to help you on this challenge. It's a clitoral vacuum stimulator and it has these pulses of air that are similar to oral sex. You know, it feels good. So in honor of you coming first and Bush's campaign, you could get 50% off the Empress 2 if you use code swe50 while checking out@vushstimulation.com that's V U S H stimulation.com and the code is swe50 for 50% off the Empress 2. And let us know if you take their I come first challenge. Let's do this. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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So these are just some things that I love giving you guys. Little things that you could do that could just get you out of the rut. Change a state you're in. And the first one is a staring contest. Set a timer for two minutes and I want you to sit across from your partner and stare into each other's eyes without breaking eye contact. Now this might sound super scary to you, and the reason why I thought about bringing this up is because I have a friend who's been in a relationship for a few years. I would say they haven't done a lot of deep work around emotions and there's stuff going on. And she said to me, we went to therapy and the therapist made us stare into each other's eyes for 10 minutes. And it was horrible. She said, but then it was great. And this is so not my friend. And I was going, o, thank God she had to do that because it's all about intimacy. That's why it's so terrifying. It's about creating intimacy. And this is what we do. We, we unders. We read each other's facial cues. Right? That's. Most of what we say is nonverbal anyway. Most of what we communicate is non verbal. And so to do a practice like this where you have to stare into each other's eyes for two minutes, it's okay if you laugh, it's okay if you giggle or you look away. You know, we're not like gonna. No one's gonna. It's just something that you. To deepen your connection. And then afterwards you just share feelings. Like what came up for you during the exercise, what did it make you think? You know, it's a very awkward thing, but if you think about it, it's your partner, it's someone you, you love or you're connected with. Shouldn't we be able to stare into their eyes for two minutes? Even that, that's a way of. You guys are always saying it's hard to communicate. I understand. Just look into each other's eyes for two minutes. Two minutes. I won't even make you do it for ten.

You'll see what comes up. And that also reminds me, I had to do that when I was taking a somatic therapy training course was a five day a week course over a period of six months. So every other month I went to San Francisco and for five days it was really deep somatic, which means embodied experiences. And our very first day of the six months was turning to the person next to you and staring in their eyes for, I think it was five minutes. I was also in a different place then too. And I was, I was like, oh my God. First off, don't have me break into a Group. I hate when you're like, break into small groups now. I'm like, ugh, I hate that. And then, not only that, I had to turn to the person next to me and stare in their eyes. And I remember he was like, six foot five, and I'm five two, and, like, my neck hurt. I'm staring at him, and I'm like, can we sit down? It was just awkward. It was a guy, and there weren't that many guys in the classes. I'm like, is this gonna asexual. It was a whole thing. But what happens is once you get past the weirdness and the eye contact, like, the awkwardness, then you start to. You just breathe through it, and you're both in it, right? It's not like you're staring into someone's eyes and they're not.

It's. It's that you're doing it together and just seeing what comes up. That's it. Set your phone two minutes, and then talk about it. I'm telling you, stuff is going to come up for you. So that's my first thing is do a staring contest. It'll take you five minutes. Five minutes with your partner. Two minutes to stare, three minutes to talk about what happened. The other thing is. Oh, this is fun. The roller coaster. This is 20 minutes. Set the timer for 10 minutes and have one person describe one of their highest moments and one of their lowest moments. Then the other person just listens. Listening is key. And make sure not to interrupt, add details, or comment. This is a hard thing to do. I have to do these in a lot of therapy classes I take in courses. And you're like, oh, but what about. Nope, you can't talk. You're like, remember that time? Or wasn't it fun? No, you let them. You give them the floor for 10 minutes, their highest and their lowest moment. Then you switch, and you get to do it as well. And it's actually a great thing you could do every week with your partner. And there's something very clearing about that, because a lot of times we want to fix our partner. We want to help them, we want to make them better. But sometimes you just need to listen. So I'm suggesting you can do all of these exercises at once. First, you do the staring exercise, which is the most grounding. You stare into each other's eyes, and you just feel. You really. It drops you in to a very intimate place with your partner without the sex. Then you do your 10 minutes, your high and low moments. Then you do a clearing. And this is where you set the timer for 15 minutes. So here's this. You know, we talk a lot about relationship check ins. This is a great one for the check in. You sit across from each other. One partner finishes each of these statements as many times as they can. Something I want you to know is.

Something I see in you that I see in myself is something I like about you is the other person. Again, you listen without responding, without commenting and then you switch. So it's sort of a clearing and it helps with listening, it helps engaging. It's sort of a great exercise so you can get to a place of connection. I mean those are some really real things to share.

Like I want you to know something about me. I want, you know, I, you know, something I like about you. And so when you're forcing ourselves to keep answering these statements, you would find that you're going to start to reveal things that maybe you wouldn't reveal, maybe you wouldn't normally because you keep going around, you keep saying it, you keep going. That's the brilliance of this exercise. So sometimes there's old resentments that come up, right? If you keep going in around something I want you to know is and you just keep saying it, but you each have 15 minutes to do it. And how this works is your partner will keep saying like something you know, they'd say. Something I want you to know is something I see in you. I see myself. And you do it for 10 minutes. Imagine what could come up. Listen, resentments are the things that are killing your relationship. I promise you that. You think you're just not having sex and that's the problem. But there have been resentments. There have been things that have built up over time. Now some couples get it's too late. You get to a point where it's too late and you're never going to get past the point of the resentments. But if you start clearing them now, this is a clearing exercise, it will help you move along. Okay, now I want to take some of your questions. The first one is an email. It comes from Jewel. She writes, I've met an amazing, strong, loving, healthy and caring man. However, my boyfriend of three years is quite introverted. We see each other three days per week. We've been out of town together three times. He's met my family, but he's never been out of town to their homes. I have two children, which has brought him pause for spending more time together and moving in. I've been in school and working in a demanding healthcare career as well as Single motherhood. So my time's limited. I graduated, and I'm ready to move the relationship forward and get involved in more outgoing activities. Can this relationship survive? Should we seek counseling? What are your recommendations for me? Okay, you're really, really busy right now, Jewel. You're a single mom, you're working two jobs, you're raising the kids, and you want to know if it can last because you want to be more outgoing. And you said, he doesn't like to go out. I think right now you need to choose yourself and you need to choose your kids. And let me tell you, a gift right out. Sometimes it's okay to say, I don't really have time for a relationship right now. If you feel like you need to take a pause because I don't want your next pressure to be. I have to go out all the time and do all these things with a partner that you don't want to do.

Unless you're saying that he's very introverted and you are extrovert. And that's already a problem. Like, if you're saying, no, I want to go out and he doesn't, that doesn't go away. So when you date somebody on their potential, like, well, maybe once we get married or we spend more time together, then they're going to want to go out with me. Nope. I know a lot of people who are introverted and their partner's extroverted. And either, you know, it going into it, I'm going to be doing a lot of things alone. I'm going to go out without my partner. Or you just decide that you want someone who share who's your partner in life, who shares everything with you that you do that you can share activities with and that likes to go out and be social.

So that's really something I think that you could do, Jewel, if you want it. You don't have to figure this out on your own. I would be very honest with your boyfriend and say, really busy, got a lot on my plate. Twice a week. I would love to have you go out with you and try something. I would love to have a date night once a week. And then once a week I'm gonna go out with my friends. Can you commit to once a week doing a fun activity that we planned together? And then if he's like, I can't guarantee it or I never want to do that, well, then you have your answer. But if you make a commitment about what it looks like for you guys to be on the same page about, you know, what you want to do together. Like, I think that that's what we got to get clear on is that you're not asking for anything crazy and you're asking me if it could, if it could.

Survive goes into to like, think of how many relationships would be so much more successful if we had these really realistic, practical, pragmatic conversations. Like, you know, we didn't just think, well, maybe one day they'll see my way to say, no, this is what I need. I'm still sorting it out, but it looks like I will be satisfied with once a week out on the town with you. What is that? How does it look for you? And then see what they say and then you can plan those things, activities that you both like. And then you get on the same page. It's just conversation. It's communication. It's being vulnerable. Because these conversations aren't easy. If asking for what you want and your needs, if asking for what you want and getting your needs met was easy, everyone would be doing it. We wouldn't have any problems.

Be like, I'm pretty satisfied, got my needs met. My relationship is fantastic. We communicate. We have the most excellent communication. We know exactly how to talk about what we want in and out of the bedroom. It is a skill set. We have to develop it over time. Oh, Tim, 63 in Las Vegas. Thanks for calling.

He Dr. Emily, how are you?

Hi, I'm great. How are you?

I'm good. We have been together for 10 years. We've always had a great relationship. We've both had very high management, upper positions, crazy working hours.

So we didn't have as much love making or sex prior to Covid. For the first time in our entire 10 years, we're together 24 7, 365. We loved it. It was great.

I love it. Tim.

Right. So we actually got to have a lot more sex and we're both in great shape, work out, no health issues or anything like that. She is kind of opposite of a lot of your listeners that we listen to in that she can orgasm very quickly and she can do it with penetration.

She really likes that. She can, she can orgasm clitorally also. But she's very quick to orgasm.

Great.

And so we will have foreplay. We've always used toys. We've always done different things.

And the one thing that I've noticed is, hey, I'm 63. I can't every, every day I can. I don't have any problems with an erection or anything, but I'm not gonna ejaculate every day. Unless there's a lot of foreplay. And so sometimes. Well, most of the time actually she's pretty quick to. Foreplay is great. We're having fun. Okay, I need you now inside me. And I'm like, okay, that's great, but I could use a little bit more foreplay, hun. So we've kind of tried to figure out some things we even talked about, you know, because sometimes we can go fairly long time. One we had like this two or three hour session and she's like, I haven't had one of those for like years. But. And that was huge fun. But we've even talked about adding somebody in to kind of help extend things out. What do we do? So I'm trying to figure out what can we do to trying to get that foreplay longer and sort of slow her down in terms of. I need you now.

Yeah, it's a great question. So what you're saying is did you have more time during COVID And now you don't. Okay, so now there's.

And now we're back to that whole 12 to 14 hours working crazy hours, you know, five, six days a week. And now we don't have that quality time that we used to have. Even.

How about the weekends? I think that setting up and letting her know. Painting a picture of what foreplay looks like for you.

So do you know what your most excellent foreplay looks like? When you feel the best? What happens? What goes down? Paint the scenario. And then you could explain that to her. Tell me too.

It starts mentally actually, because we'll talk about sex, we'll talk about different things in our, in our life that we've. And she was in a really controlling relationship for a long, long time. And I gotta tell you, your show really helped move her out of that body. Shaming. I feel guil guilty, you know, about sex type thing and really has helped her embrace more of her sexuality, which has been terrific. But so mentally it helps, you know, if we spend some time, you know, we've even played a little strip poker and stuff like that, which has been huge fun. Where we can, you know, whoever loses wins. I think.

Blowjobs are terrific. Having her helping her orgasm with the toy and stuff like that's also a turn on too. But.

But you said also it was mental, so talking about it too. So how are you? I mean really it's just a matter of scheduling it. Saying that we're gonna, you know, going away for a night and saying we're going to get out of this room and you know, we're gonna get a hotel room, even for a night in your own city. So I'm switching up our environment. Cause you've been home so much. But I, you know, if you've been listening, I always say you have these conversations when you're, you know, outside the bedroom, having a drink at dinner and, like, start to paint our scenarios that you really like. You love when she texts you things in the morning, talking about that evening, or at night when you.

You know, start building up. Because. Because the foreplay is all about anticipation, whether it's mental or physical. So there's something that you need, like your ideal. Because if you're talking about time, like, really, like, you get in bed and you guys are exhausted and there's no time, I understand that that's something that, you know. But. But on the weekends, would that be enough for you if maybe on Sundays there was more foreplay? Or Saturdays, because maybe if you painted the picture or you're like, one day a week, we're going to make this our date night. We're going to turn off our phones, we're going to take a bath, or we're going to get massages, or you're just going to, like, it's okay to. To plan it out. And you can always have surprises, like bring in new toys or bring in a third, like you were saying. But I feel like you're going to have to do, you know, some of it. Because if there really isn't time and she's not expecting it, you know, that's tough. The other thing is, like I said, when you're sitting down, letting her know I think I cut myself off. But letting her know when you're having a conversation outside the bedroom, you know, these are all the things I love about our sex life. But I realize that I get most. The most aroused, the biggest ejaculate release when I have a little bit of foreplay. And so I know we're really busy. Ask her for her suggestions. So if this is something that's core to my arousal, how do you suggest we work it in? Because I'm sure she wants to please you. Most of our partners want to be really great lovers.

We actually are pretty good about having those conversations outside the bedroom, thanks to listening to you. Actually, we've been pretty good about that. But just in the physical act, there just gets to the point of where she's like, okay, I don't have any control. I just need you now type thing. And I'm like, hey, I'm not Ready yet.

But what if you just like teaser and you say like, I'm not gonna get, I'm not gonna give it to you now. Or you, you know, you just sort of made it a. Like you touch her for a minute and then she goes down on you and then you go back to her and then she goes to you and you could. That's the best sex and that is foreplay. The build up, the anticipation, the edging yourself until you get to orgasm is so hot. We don't do that enough. Yeah.

And I kind of actually thought. It makes sense. I thought about that. I thought about. Well, because actually for most of our relationship, the focus has been on her, you know, her orgasm and her foreplay and those types of things. And it's now it's like, maybe we're not going to break that toy out or maybe I'm not going to go down on you until you had some time with me.

Yeah, absolutely. But if you say it like, you know, I would just say, you know, I realize that the best sex we have or the. When I feel the most aroused and I really want to go down on you is when you go down on me first. It means a lot to me. Do you think she recognizes it? Like, have you ever talked to her about it?

Yes.

Okay. But you know, if you like to do that, okay, she probably just forgets or gets busy. But I think if you bring it up again in a really heartfelt way, like not with a threat. I know that you're kind of joking, but not just with a threat, like, not with a ultimatum. Like, I'm not going to go down on you unless you go down on me. But I think if you genuinely come from a place of. I know, but if you come from a place of why it makes you feel turned on and aroused and why it's important to you for her to tease you and do foreplay, I'm thinking that any love, any wife is going to be like, okay, I hear, I hear that's a need. And you might have to say it again because sometimes we get busy and we forget. It's really hard to change a habit. It's really hard to start a new behavior that we've never done. She probably has never done it. You've always been going down on her. Yeah. So just be kind, be patient, but still bring it up to her. You deserve it. You do deserve yours. Absolutely, I will do that. Okay. Thank you. After the break, I'll be talking about relationship green flags and taking more of your questions. So don't go anywhere.

So some things I want to talk about is that we. We asked this question on Instagram, and our Instagram is sex with Emily. How about that? And the question was.

We often talk about red flags, and I want to talk about green flags. And so I'm just curious, what were some green flags for your relationship? Right. Red flags are like, oh, my God, they're a smoker or they yell a lot, you know, but. But I love. We got so many great answers. When they have a therapist is a green flag, which I love. And I agree. Chivalry.

Having the same values and being a good communicator. Also green flag. And one that really stuck out to me said, he knows I struggle with my relationship with food. One night I texted that I was struggling to eat. He offered to come over to sit with me while I ate. No judgment, just support. And I think that's so important that if somebody makes you feel judged like you're walking on eggshells, leave. Just leave that relationship. It might feel okay because you might think, well, it's familiar. And maybe I'm just going to say this. Perhaps you came from a household where you felt like you were always walking on eggshells, where you were being judged by a family member. And perhaps that could transfer into kind of, you're tricking yourself that that's attractive to you and a partner. And I'm telling you, a judgmental partner, you know, is going to judge you. Like, even if they judge other people, they'll probably be judging you. I just have a hard time with judgment judginess. Don't like it. So that one stuck out to me. What else? Not being afraid to show effort and interest.

A guy being apprehensive to do things because he respects you and your body. I like that when guys are like, I don't want to just make assumptions here that you need me to fix this or do this thing for you. Some other green flags how, you know, you could stay in a relationship is consistency. And consistency in communication. That's a big one. I think that, you know, if somebody, let's say it's three months in and you're like, well, they're. They're really consistent during the week, but then I don't hear from on the weekend, or they were great the first month and then they were, now they're back. That is going to be the blueprint for your relationship. If someone's inconsistent in the beginning, they're going to be. They're inconsistent. If they are.

Not making an effort or making you feel judged. I mean, typically that that's how it's going to be. You know, people show you who they are, believe them.

Independence, we could function on our own. We want each other. We don't need each other. That's a big one. You don't want to be with someone because you feel like you need them. They have to save you.

Openly discussing insecurities with a growth mindset. That's a great one. You know, I remember it took me a while dating somebody where I was like, he never shared anything that he felt insecure about or that was wrong. And I'm like, I just don't trust. Like, everything's great. And then I realized he was always talking about other people's problems. He loved talking about his friends problems and like the drama his friends were having in relationships, but never talked about his own challenges, insecurities, because we all have them. So now that would be a red flag for me. Someone else said, open about mental health, encourage me to get therapy. Now the opposite of that. Be like, for me, a red flag would be didn't talk about mental health and thought that I. That therapy was nuts. Right. Tipping well at a restaurant and treating the staff with respect. I agree. Green flag, red flag, no tip. And being an asshole. Right. So, you know, what were some of your green flags that gave you the go ahead? And what were some of your red flags in a relationship? Let's get into some more questions. This email comes from Sarah. She's 23 and lives in North Dakota. Thanks for an amazing podcast. My question is this. I'm 23, my husband's 28. We've been together for a little over three years. From the beginning of the relationship, I expressed to him how would I want in the bedroom, what he wants. And I believe communication is key. I've had this talk so many times with him, I can't count. It always goes back to him finishing in two minutes. I'm left there. He also does not like my kink, such as saying daddy or sucking toes. I have no pleasure and now little interest in sex with him. I feel I communicate my needs, but I always go back to him just finishing and I'm disappointed. I've reached my limits in expressing my needs. Is sexual incompatibility enough to end a relationship? Other parts of our relationship are good, but I feel lost. Side note, he also doesn't want me to get more tattoos or clitoral piercing. I feel as he's trying to put me in a box because he doesn't find what I like sexy. All right, so, like a lot of these questions, it's not just about the sex. What I hear here is that there's a control thing going on. He's telling you what you can and cannot do. He's Now. So I'm wondering if there's other areas of your relationship where you feel controlled. When he is saying to you, I, I know you know, you can't get a clitoral piercing, you can't get another tattoo. You can't have me pleasure you. I mean, that's what it sounds like. Because when I read the first half of your email, I was like, oh, okay. This is that classic. I've told my partner six times what I want in the bedroom and they don't do anything. What should I do? Because the truth is, he might not know exactly what you want specifically. Sometimes having these conversations outside the bedroom, you're like, tell him why it's so hot for you to call him daddy. If you understand that those things are primary part of your arousal, then he might be more willing to please you. However, you're also talking about the fact that he comes in two minutes or less, which means he's a premature ejaculator. Got news for you, Sarah, that doesn't change unless he works on his premature ejaculation. And if you go to sexwithelmily.com and you look up premature ejaculation, you'll get tons of blog posts that are going to give you some information how to deal with it. But my best tips are he could practice a stop start method, which is when he's masturbating, he goes from 1 to 10. Like 10 is ejaculation. One is not aroused. And when he gets to like an 8.5, he does an orgasm and he goes down. He goes down in arousal, then he brings it back up again, then he goes back down and brings it up, meaning at that point he can ejaculate and try it a few times. And it's a practice. He has to do it all the time. It's called edging or stop start. There's also doing his Kegel muscles to strengthen his pelvic floor. And the other thing is promescent, which is a quickly absorbing delay spray that helps men last longer in bed. But I, I feel like he's gonna have to work on it. It takes time for men to get over premature ejaculation. Now, the other thing is, if he comes quickly, he should be pleasing you in that moment. He should Be going down on you, sucking your toes, whatever it is you need. So I do believe that sexual incompatibility could be a reason to end a relationship. But never without trying. Never without trying to communicate in a different way. Like try to tell him that how important is to you. It's not just throw away comments. But I really need your help making sure that, you know, I'm pleased too, and how important it is to you and how you feel that he's not prioritizing your pleasure as well. So that's what I recommend, Sarah. And then if you've tried all that and he still says, I don't care, I'm just gonna come and I'm gonna go to bed after that. And I don't. Then, then we gotta talk. Let's talk to Brian, 42, in Iowa. Hi, Brian. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Yeah, no problem. So I was just kind of responding to the aspect of cheating. And what my wife and I do is we kind of put it on each other. So because we both believe that, you know, it's really easy to have jealousy, jealousy feeling, you know, depending on the situation. So we make sure that we take care of each other versus, hey, it's your problem to try to figure out this jealousy. We make sure we help them through it by doing different things. Kind of like you mentioned, you know, we have open access to phones, computers, emails, it doesn't matter.

And we actually openly talk about if there is any type of jealousy and.

You openly address it. That's been a great way, Brian. Sounds like that's really worked. How long have you guys been together?

15 years.

Great. Was there ever a time where you felt jealous early on in the relationship and then you kind of had to put these practices in place or you've always sort of intuitively known what to do.

More her than me. She guilt or kind of struggles with.

It a little more.

And so I've always kind of accepted that as something that I need to do to make sure that in our relationship, whatever happens.

My actions, everything that I do, I make her feel comfortable so she can feel safe and not have to worry about a relationship.

That's great, Brian. I love that. And you guys check in about it. That's good. Thank you, Brian. I appreciate it. Super helpful.

Helpful, no problem.

You talk about all the things. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Yeah, you know, I know that there's a lot of people I know who are in open relationships or alternative relationships and they, they sort of find a way to transcend the jealousy they part of. Maybe they feel it in the beginning or but they talk about it all the time. And then you realize after, after some time of being with someone in a in a healthy place that you just sort of get to that point of conversion. We talk about where you are actually experiencing joy if your partner's experiencing pleasure with someone else. The people I know who are in healthy, open relationships sort of don't really have the jealousy in that way because they work around it. And I think that people in monogamous relationships can can do the same kind of things with jealousy.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter sexwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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