How to Be A Sexual Superhero

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks, kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com you can check out our podcasts, our blogs, our sex in the news, and all of our funny, great inform, informative stuff happening. And please do sign up for our mailing list if you have not done that yet, because I will not spam you. I will not sell your name or anything like that, but I will send you useful information that will change your life. So today's show, we're going to be talking about sex drive. You know, I always hear from you guys, it's like, probably the most. One of the most common things I get asked is, you know, my partner wants more sex than I do. I hear from men and women, they want more sex. He wants more. She wants more sex, he wants more kink. She wants. You know, and everyone's just trying to figure out, why aren't they having the most amazing sex like they had at the beginning of their relationship? Believe me, I hear this every single day. I hear it when I'm walking down the street. I hear it from my hairdresser. I hear it from Anderson. No, just kidding, Anderson, you wouldn't talk to me about your sex life yet. Hi, Anderson.

Hi, Em.

How you doing?

I'm doing well.

It's great to see you.

It's good to see you.

I know every.

Every week we start off with sex. I know when it's true, but, yeah, it's totally honest.

It's like a real love affair.

It really is.

I know.

It's a microphone love affair, guys. Everyone settled down?

No, you are a married man. It's cute. And I saw a picture. Where did I see a picture from your wedding? Oh, it was on someone's Instagram. I think it was maybe Dr. Drew's or something. Or he was there and it was a cute picture of you guys kissing.

The last time Dr. Drew did a shot. And the first time in about 10 years that drew did a shot was at my wedding.

Really?

Yeah. Got married up in the Madonna Inn. Love that place.

Where is it? I don't even know.

San Luis Obispo.

Oh, nice.

Beautiful hotel. Every single room is completely different. Very romantic.

I didn't know that. It was a few years ago. So, anyway, so, yeah. Anderson, good to see you. How was your holiday weekend?

It was great.

Great.

I'm very excited about today's show though, to be honest, because I want to hear these emails. I always think it's weird when I hear ads for like, increase your libido. Do you want to increase your libido? I don't get that at all. In fact, my libido and I think that's the case with a lot of guys that I know. Like, it. It interferes with my life. Like, I wish I had less of one.

Oh, because you're still. You've never.

And if it went away, I'd be like, cool. I wouldn't be like, oh, God, I wish I was horny all the time.

Yeah. Okay. So you've never had a point in your life where you're like, I don't really want sex that much.

Not as of yet.

That's good.

Should I be knocking on Woods?

Yeah, you should be. You know, it's really common. I mean, I hear. But you haven't been married. Let's talk next year. How long have you been married? Three years.

A year and a half. I think that I would be a very successful. Well, I've been with her for like 11 years.

Okay, got it.

I think I'd be very, very successful, successful person if I didn't have a sex drive.

Why? Because you wouldn't be thinking about sex all the time, every five seconds.

So much energy and time on sex, Making sex happen, having sex, thinking about sex. If that was filled with something productive, I know that sex is literally productive.

Right. No, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. So you're still preoccupied now, but have you ever been. We don't talk about your wife, but in your life, in a long term relationship where you were ready to go at it and she wasn't wanting it.

Oh, no. If that's what you're talking about, getting the ladies going.

I'm talking about mismatched libidos in relationships. I'm talking about where she wants it all the time. And he's exhausted after work. Or vice versa. Because I hear. I hear this from, I mean, people all the time. Or after childbirth, once you have kids. The whole sex.

There's a lot of psychology behind it too.

There is psychology behind it.

Seesaw. Because I've been with, like, girls that I really, really liked. And when they started wanting sex a little bit too much. It was almost a turn off, really.

They just were.

And they made it feel like a chore.

But, okay, so even you, who wanted it all the time. It's the fact that they were after you so much for it. It was almost like.

I had this one girl. Like, she'd come home late from work and I was tired. And then she'd always be like, let's do it. We're gonna have to do it. And I was like, as soon as I feel like I have to do something, I don't wanna.

Okay. I am so glad you said that. Because this is what happened to me this morning. So I have my very best friend in the whole world.

This will be good.

This is good. It's from San Francisco. We talk. We've talked almost every day for, like, 25 years. And not as much now that I'm in LA. But the point is, we talk every week, for sure. And she called me this morning and she said to me.

First thing she said to me was, she goes, I figured out why I'm gonna call him Bob. She goes, her husband of 12 years. She goes, emily, I figured out why Bob annoys me. And I said, why? She said, because he's my husband. And I was like, what do you mean? She was. He just, like, annoys me. Like, I love him. Like. Like they have a great marriage. Like, to be honest, one of the strongest marriages. Everyone I every. Anyone I know. And whenever. Sometimes I talk to her. And she's like, I'm so into Bob. And then sometimes she's like, he annoys me. She goes, but it's because he's my husband. So you know what I told him the other day? I told him that from now on. I don't want him to introduce me as his wife. I want him to introduce me as his lover. And she said, now he's calling me lover around the house. And she said, because the problem is, I feel like wife. I just hate that term wife. That like. Like I'm his property. She was, you know, I didn't take his last name, and there's a reason for it. And she said, it's just. He comes home from Work. And, you know, they have two kids. And she said, I'm making dinner or I'm doing something, and he just wants sex. And he grabs me and he demands it. And she says to him, you know what? Kiss my neck and then maybe go upstairs and come back. It's like, this is what I've been talking. Like, warm. Warm them up. So same thing. This girl comes home like, anderson, wake up. I want sex now. No one wants to be. No one wants to be pushed into sex. And I think the problem is men and women approach it wrong. They approach sex in a way that turns their partner off. And there's ways to get more sex if you kind of know how to warm up your partner and what gets them in the mood. So what she said to him was, you know, you know, don't come in and grab my crotch. Like, kiss my neck, warm me up, make out with me for a while. I mean, it's what women want. We're not.

It's shocking that she has to tell them that after 12 years.

I know.

It's shocking.

Well, yeah. I mean, it's not that she hasn't believed me. It wasn't the first time.

But a little hippie, dippy, a little hippie, a little commune esque. Because the whole lover term.

Maybe, but she's like, I'd rather be your lover than your wife. Just because that. That takes away the whole. Here's my ball and chain, you know?

Yeah. The word wife, it does have a kind of a negative connotation.

And I don't even like the term boyfriend. Like, when I date guys, like, oh, so now you're my. When they say girlfriend.

Well, that's because that's a commitment thing. With you, Emily, that's a whole different story.

We don't have time for that now. But no, I just. I never liked it, though. Okay, so I've never wanted to. I don't like. She's my boyfriend. I'm your girlfriend. We are together. You own me. I own you. I just. I don't like. I don't like labels, man. Don't box me in.

Kind of related. If you're ever looking for a way to break up but you don't know how to, like, say the words.

Sex with you is like a chore. Usually works. Ooh, I've said that a couple times. And that. That's the end of the relationship.

Oh, my God. So this woman who came home banging into wake, banging you to bed.

We actually talked about it one night. I'm like, you know, What? It just feels like a chore with you. And that was the end of the relationship. Got to move on. It's.

See, that's a good point. That's interesting because again, a lot of these emails, they're all kind of a variation of couples struggling with sex, wanting sex at different times, wanting different things in the bedroom. So we will get into that. And I think you might be able to help contribute to some of this, too. Not. You know, I mean, I'm glad you guys are doing well. It's been. But you've been together a long time and your wife's awesome, so that's good. Okay. Also, I want to say if you haven't done this yet, you need to get out your phone right now. And if you like me, you should follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, which is all sex with Emily. And also. Are you doing that now, Anderson? You don't follow me.

I'm following exactly what you said. I got out my phone and I'm following.

And then also I do a Twitter chat on every Wednesday, 12:30 to 1 Pacific standard. I answer your tweets.

PM yes.

PM what is that?

PM no, you just said 12:30 to 1. But you do love lines.

Oh, yeah, no, it's PM it's PM on Wednesdays. Another thing is I am the host of this huge thing called the. The Sexual Health Expo, and we just announced it this week. It's happening. Oh, God. I don't have the press release here in January.

Do they have a logo?

Yeah.

What is it? Like she.

And it's my picture.

No, no, no. For the Sexual Health. Oh, really? That you're the logo?

I'm the logo. My face.

You know how like every, like, Olympics has like a cartoony logo? I was hoping they'd have some kind of like, they do sexual thing.

It's me on the logo. But it's really cool. It's the first. Let me try to find. Can you guys someone pull up the dates in the press release? But anyway, it's in San Francisco. I mean, San Francisco. It's in Los Angeles. And it's the first of its kind. It's for consumers to come. There's going to be workshops with, like, leading sex experts. And I think it's in January and it's going to be all about helping men and women have better sex. And they come in and there's going to be again, workshops. There's going to be sex toys, and it's going to be just like the one of a kind event in Hollywood and it's going to be super fun.

January 17th and 18th in West Hollywood. And we will get you the actual venue before the show.

January 17th. I think it's the Sofie tile actually. I read that. So it's January 17th and 18th. It's called the Sexual Health Expo. And so if you don't live in la, this is a great time. I'm giving you plenty of time. January 17, 18th, 2015. Come to this expo because it's going to be friggin rocking. And I'm the host and I'm giving the keynote.

It's right across the street from the world famous Beverly Center.

Exactly. Oh, good shopping. Totally. So that's what I have to tell you all about that. And then I have a little bit of sex in the news for us. Okay. Court grants man. This ties into our topic. Court grants a man divorce over wife's demand for excessive sex.

So this is guy. He sought separation from his wife alleging that she was aggressive and autocratic with an insatiable appetite for sex and was granted divorce by a family court in Mumbai. The man in his petition said she was showing an excessive desire for sex and harassed him since their marriage. In 2012 he alleged that she used force. She forced him into having unnatural sex and whenever he tried to resist it, she would abuse him, following which he had to succumb to her pressure and persistent demands. She said he administered him medicines and also forced him to consume liquor. The woman even went to the extent of threatening that if he, if his, if his. Her demands were not fulfilled, she will go to another man without caring for her emotions and feelings. He was also hospitalized at one point for a stomachache and was advised to avoid having sexual relations. But guess what? She kept demanding it from him. He had appendicitis, all this stuff. Discharged, she forced him to have sex. This was in 2013, another operation and the wife threatened him and it sounds pretty horrible. I mean the wife didn't appear at the hearing and the judge granted him his separation and said run man, run. He's out of it.

However, you said Mumbai, right?

Yeah.

So God knows, maybe she wants like once a week, you think? Well, I also picked up on the unnatural sex. What was she begging for? Anal. What was that?

Yeah, I think so. She was begging for. I don't know, it doesn't say. Yeah, well it says unnatural sex. So maybe it was anal, but who knows what it was Unnatural. It could be doggy. She might have wanted sex with the family dog. We really don't know.

That's not what I meant.

Oh, what you mean, oh, doggy style?

You just jump straight to the pet.

Jesus Christ. This is. This is the world I live in. I'm bestiality. My brain needs to be rewired. Okay, so going back to sex drive and libido and all this stuff, I've got a pop quiz for you, Anderson. You ready or for anyone listening? Ready. Most men reach their sexual peak at 18, and most women experience theirs in their 30s. True or false?

True. Don't tell me it's false, because that's what I've always heard.

Exactly. This is why it's your pop quiz. It is false. It's true. Younger people have sex more frequently, but research has shown that this sexual peak is. Is not a fact. And I actually, before I started working in sex, I thought this was true, too, but it's actually not true.

So what's the cougars? Excuse me?

So exactly the Cougars excuse is that women, as they get older, they get to know their body better. They know that have orgasms.

They're more comfortable.

More comfortable with their body. Women in their 20s are just learning, you know, except for the ones that work for me that, you know, learn really quickly.

You're calling your girl sores?

No, I'm calling them women who are sexually empowered and know their bodies. But no, a lot of women in there, I just adore them. So I'm just like, they're freaking awesome. And I think that women in their 20s oftentimes are not as confident they're brought up to. And I hope this is changing a lot. You know, people listening to my show and just becoming more sexually aware. But they're just. I mean, I remember. I didn't know. I mean, guys are doing the jackhammer. You were doing the jackhammer in your 20s.

What are you saying?

You were pounding away at a woman.

Some girls like it.

They, you know what? They faked it. They thought they liked it because they thought that's how sex was going to feel because they didn't know what have orgasm.

They like the power of the jackhammer.

Yeah, they like the power of it, but they don't know what an orgasm is.

Does it always have to be soft and slow?

No, it doesn't, but sometimes it does. So it's a variation. And so the truth is that adults. This is actually from Indiana University. Many adults continue to have active pleasurable sex. Pleasurable sex lives past their prime. And they even found that women tend to orgasm easily as they get older. So the low libido that people talk about have less to do with age and more to do with hormones. So a lot of people have. Our hormones fluctuate, or women are taking the birth control pill, and it really does mess with your sex drive. And women don't realize this because I went on birth control when I was, like, 18, and I remember not having as much of a sex drive as I did before that, and I didn't know that that was the cause of it. Our doctors aren't like. They're like, don't get pregnant. So here's a pill. But you might not have the same sex drive.

And there's so many different kinds, too, that do different things. Some make you fat, some make you moody.

Exactly. I got fat moody. I got big boobs, though. I mean, my boobs were. I grew. I had the biggest boobs on the planet. Like, I almost wish I didn't plan.

That's a bold statement for me.

They grew two sizes. My boyfriend at the time was very happy, and I got so much.

You said that word that you don't like.

What? What'd I say?

You said boyfriend. You had a boyfriend? Well, I was in college experimenting with boyfriends.

I didn't know then that I didn't want boyfriends. But he was my first boyfriend. We were dating for two and a half years, and I actually had a dream about him the other night. I just remembered this. I had a dream that my boyfriend Mark from college, we dated from high school to college, went to prom, that he, like, showed up. My dream, and he's like, we should be together. And you know why? Because he freaking lives in Michigan, and my brother sees him all the time, and he's a successful doctor, and he's like, why didn't you marry him?

So your brother?

Yeah, all the time. He's like, he's so cool. Why didn't you marry him?

I'm like, are you friends with Mark's wife on Facebook, which is the center of this episode?

I am not friends with him. Friends with him in Facebook. And I just liked a picture of him and his whole family the other day. So we're all good.

I'm sure that that wife appreciates that.

It's been forever. Except for I did something. I'm not gonna get into it. What? I did something really bad at a wedding.

What'd you do?

Okay. So it. Oh, maybe this. Okay. At a wedding. Once in my 20s, after I broke up with him, we still had mutual friends, and I was a wedding, and I was drunk, and I was talking to some of his friends. This is like the worst thing. This is how stupid I was in my 20s that I said his friends were trying to egg me on about our sex life. And I'm like, yeah, well, I never wasn't that great. Like I never had an orgasm. Like I blame, I never had an orgasm with him. And I blamed him just like many women do for my orgasm, for not having an orgasm and not pleasing me. But I didn't know how to have an orgasm with a guy. And so I just thought he was bad in bed like a lot of women.

So he broke up with you?

No, I broke up with him. I've never had been broken.

You break up with him and you talk shit to his friends.

And now I'm embarrassed. I was drunk. I'm still upset to this day. I can't believe, I mean, talk to him.

But you thought what you said was true. So let that be a lesson.

Let that be a lesson to everybody that I was ignorant and I didn't have a lot of sexual information then knowing that like women, it's not his fault. It is not his fault if you've explained to him, you know, it's only his fault if you've told him what you need and showed him and he's still like banging away at you and not paying attention. Then it's his fault, but it's not his. Like I thought I was like the Rubik's cube that he needed to figure out how to make it all the colors on one side. And he didn't do it.

I just peeled the stickers up.

He didn't crack the code. Oh, that's smart. So the thing is about one in three women actually do experience low sex drive according to the American Health Association. And here's how the symptoms, obviously one of them is you have a decreased desire to have sex. You have fewer sexual thoughts and fantasies, less in response to sex. And the problem is there's so many things that contribute to it because it can be personal, like stress, it can be non medical factors like, you know, low self esteem, that's another big killer. Lack of sleep. Or it could be medical factors like depression, side effects of medication and also again, hormones. And, and that is the biggest thing for women too. And men that they have really low self esteem. They feel in bed, they don't feel sexy, they feel like the guy's looking at the fact that she gained two pounds, she doesn't take her clothes off, she wants lights off, things like that. These are all going to impact her sex drive. And, and it Actually, most women who are experiencing this are just blaming themselves and wondering what's wrong, or they're blaming their husbands, but they're not reporting it. They're not, they're not seeking help for it. So I hope that if this is you, no matter what age you are, and you used to have a higher sexuality but now you felt a difference, that you should, you know, talk to your doctor about it. People are so weird about talking to the doctor. I. So I do this Twitter chat on Wednesdays, right? So a guy was tweeting me yesterday and he lives in Australia. I don't know if that's anything to do with it, but he said to me, I have a lot of Australian listeners, so I don't even know why I said that. But he said, he said to me, I'm 52 and I. It was about his erection though.

He said, I can't question my pekka.

Exactly.

Was that him?

Yeah, that was him. That was good. He said, I can't stay hard. I could only stay hard, whatever it was, I can't stay hard as long as I want to. And I said, he said I could get hard for a blowjob and not for intercourse. I get soft. And I gave him all these ideas on Twitter, back and forth. I said, well, have you talked to your doctor? He said, no, can't talk to my doctor because my friend goes to the same doctor and I don't want my doctor. And I said, wait, wait, wait. You're a 52 year old man. Your health is important. You're holding facts back from your doctor because you think it's like doctor patient privilege. He's not going to share this.

Australian doctors are different. They do a lot of barbecues, have fosters.

They get drunk and they're like, hey, your buddy can't get hot during. During a hot. That's in fostering accent. So people talk to you and people just don't. And I was out with my friend last night who's a doctor and he said, yeah. I said, do people ever talk to you about. No. He's like, they don't talk about their sex life. And it's like that's who you're supposed to talk to.

But also like nowadays especially like you only get like four, four or five minutes with your doctor when you make an appointment and you forget about a.

Lot of stuff you do.

You only talk about the really important stuff at that moment. You're probably not talking, thinking about sex when you're sitting in the doctor's office like I just saw my doctor for the second time ever. I have a broken. Like, I broke my back when I was 22. I have tons of metal in there. I have a computer chip that's at the base of my spine that someone forgot to take out. One of the doctors forgot to take out two major surgeries. I'm missing a rib. They take a rib out, like, massive stuff.

Oh, my God.

My doctor has no idea. I forgot to tell her both times.

See, you got to take notes. You got to, like, keep. Throughout the year when you go back to your doctor and you should. About these things, you should keep it on your phone.

Like, important things to bring up with doctor.

Yeah, totally. I mean, how many lists do you have? You must have lists of movies and stuff.

I have hundreds of lists on my list.

I'd probably lose, so that's important. So also for men, though, let's talk about what causes it. You know, low sex life for men. We always think that men are ready to go, like Anderson, but not every guy is like that. Or they go through periods where they are, um. The male libido is always in overdrive is what we think. Not true. One out of five men actually have a low sex drive. So here's another cause of low sex drive in men.

So most men, you know, are in the normal age, you know, in the normal age range. Some are extraordinarily driven toward addiction, like sexual behavior. But the other end of the scale are men with low sexual interest. And these men could have hyper hypo. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder. That could be one thing. And again, this could be psychological issues. Stress and anxiety from the strain of daily life. Family problems, depression, mental disorders. Same thing. They could be on medications. They could have diabetes. They could be taking heart med. I mean, there's all these different things that contribute.

I've been there. Like, I've been really, really depressed. And it's weird. Like, you. You think about sex and look at sex, and it's just like this weird, odd thing.

Yeah.

It doesn't really even make sense. There's nothing interesting about it.

No, you're like this. There's nothing.

And you look at it completely, like, objectively for the first time. It's a very strange thing.

So you have. You haven't always. Rare. Rare. Indigo Anderson.

I've had. I've had stretches.

So it. So it's. It's depression. It's anxiety. A lot of times when men are worried about work or financial situations, stress. The penises go away. It goes inside them. Like a turtle.

But like, I've always heard that the more successful you are, like if you get a promotion or a raise or something, your penis actually grows a little bit. Swear to God it's a real thing. Swear to God it's a real thing.

What do you mean your penis?

Penis gross.

Like temporarily.

I don't know if it's from testosterone boost or what.

Oh, maybe testosterone, but that would be penis gross.

The girl. Your girls are laughing. But it's true.

That could be temporary.

Hey guys, look it up.

Look it up, you guys, seriously. We're talking to listeners here. It could also be hormonal. Have you been reading all this about testosterone now? It's like the big thing. It was on the COVID of Time magazine. No one reads anymore. I mean, I barely have time to read or write.

But.

But test. Testosterone is like. There's like. It was on the COVID of Time magazine a few weeks ago and the whole thing was about this. It's a billion dollar industry that men are taking testosterone supplements and they rubbing the creams on them. And it's the hormone of desire, arguably. And women are taking it as well because low testosterone levels usually mean a low sexual desire. So women and men can take testosterone again. You could talk to your daughter about this.

Daughter or doctor.

A doctor. And the levels for men, they dip as they age. So that's why so many guys are into taking hormones now, are taking testosterone. But there's also a lot of side effects. You could also low dopamine. But the, the key to it is really, it's. It might seem like this is counterintuitive. And it's kind of like the thing where I always tell people, you know, like, getting to the gym is the hardest part, but once you get there, you're gonna keep working out. So sometimes if you're feeling like you don't want to have sex, it could be counterintuitive. But if you're really stressed and you're waiting to feel like you're in the mood and you're waiting to feel horny, sometimes it's better just to have a plan to have sex and then stick to it and to go through with it. Because you never have sex and like regret it, do you?

Or at least a little sex with yourself. I mean, give yourself.

Yeah, masturbation.

Hey, speaking of gyms, I was gonna actually talk about the gym real quick. I recently learned that if you do leg exercises, especially like squats and stuff, raises your testosterone naturally. I've been doing leg exercises for the first time in my life because I have giant, massive muscular legs. I've never even bothered working them out because they're just big. I don't really even like them. I don't want them bigger. But I gave it a shot. It could all be. What do you call it? Psychosomatic.

Psychosomatic, yeah.

But I feel like maybe the wife's dealing with me a little bit more often.

Wow. So she's happy with that or. No, she's like, stop going to the gym. No. That's interesting. Never heard that before.

But it is true if you're safe, easy.

But also it could be just that you're. You. Do you always work out, but I.

Always work out, but I used to just do, like, you know, like the core and. And the arms, my chest. But I heard that you have to do the legs if you're gonna make any kind of progress. So I. Now every third day, I do legs, and I. I do feel a difference all around.

That's so interesting. I haven't heard that, but that would totally.

And I'm getting older now, too. I'm over 40 now, so I gotta, you know, finally.

Did you say, have a birthday?

No, I was. Well, okay.

And so also the thing about this is the kind of, like, duty sex. Women or men can think, oh, duty sex. Not duty, like a duty on. In the bathroom. Like, duty.

Oh, duty.

Like, it's a duty. Oh, we have to have sex. And people always say, I don't want to plan. You know, planning sex is so lame. But the truth is, if you're not having sex this way, you know, like, let's say you say Saturday night is date night and we're gonna have sex this Saturday. And then, you know, Then you know that all week long, you don't have to think, oh, he's gonna come home and try to have sex, or she's gonna jump. Then you just know, every Saturday we're doing it. And so if you kind of have this ritual of knowing that it's gonna happen, it'll get you into the mood of having sex, even if you don't. Like, if you're waiting to feel it, you might never have it. But if you know you're gonna have it or you plan it once you start doing it.

I thought I've heard you say you're against appointment sex.

No, I'm not. I'm not all against appointment. No, in fact, I. In theory, if I didn't know more about it, I would be. But since I've been doing this and I've talked to a lot of couples and actually had a guy say to me once that, you know, I was a married man. He said I was so against it. It seems so cheesy cliche, like, oh, I'll open my calendar. It's gonna be like, go to the gym, pick up dry cleaning, fuck your wife. You know, And I. And he said, but the truth is it takes the pressure off. I'm not trying. She's not. We know what's happening on Saturday, and maybe it happens more, but, you know, that's your night. So if it works for people, I'm not gonna say no.

You know what? I've noticed that if you do have sex, but, you know, I'm still a newlywed, so it's not like I have that much experience, but I've been with the same girl for a long, long time. And I noticed that, you know, if sex happens before you guys, like, go out, it's usually a better time. Especially the lady seems to be much more attracted and happy and confident. Confident and comfortable.

I think that's true because she had an orgasm. She had a release.

Well, I don't bother with that. But I mean, you know, just the.

You don't bother with the orgasm. The guard is talking to me.

Takes a lot of work.

Oh, Oh, I don't know why, because the guard sucks. Nobody's like, knocking on the door talking to me.

He doesn't understand how things work.

So. So he said to me, oh, what was I saying? What were you saying? Oh, that. Oh, yeah, it's true. I actually. That orgasms. And I'm. I was actually seeing a guy and we hadn't seen each other a long time. And the last thing that I wanted was to have sex with him. Like, I was kind of over him. And then we had sex and I was like, I had the orgas I had because I even myself with all my sex toys and all my sex talk, I've been stressed at times and not masturbated, not had sex for, you know, maybe a month or something, which is probably the longest I've ever gone. And the second I did have sex with this guy, I was like, woo. I'm really into it.

So I've heard. Just recently, Dr. Drew was talking about, and it sounded like witchcraft or magic, but he was saying, like, the sweat, like, combines and creates almost like this potion and like pheromones and sometimes it really does connect. Create this, like actual connection, chemistry bond, like a chemical bond between the two people.

Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

That's Crazy.

What? The sweat off your bodies and the pheromones.

The sweat and then it mixes up like some kind of like witch's potion.

Yeah, pheromones are a real deal. It's true. So I think you should bang your wife more. When you go out, you have a good time right before you go out.

Right before you go out.

Yeah. Right.

If you can, you do it when you come back.

Exactly.

And I was kidding, of course. You know, you make everything happen for her and then you take care of yourself. Took me 20 years to learn that. But that's what you do.

Did she teach you that?

No, she doesn't teach me anything. She's quiet girl. You know what's funny? As I've heard the word hormone all my life, I've never broken it down where it's hor moan until just tonight on your show right now.

But it's nothing to do with horror moaning. But they aren't either. We could do something fun with that.

Whore moans.

Yeah, I wish I never heard that. Me neither. I've never even thought about it that way. But it's not really optical, but I think it's funny. Okay, we should get in some emails, but first I'm going to give a shout out to some of our sponsors here because we love them. I gotta tell you a little bit about, you know, we're talking about Sex drive tonight, and so I'm gonna talk to you about my spicing things up. No better way to do it than with a Emily and Tony massage candle. Right, Anderson? Okay, so a huge part of sexual arousal stems from desire because women, they don't want to feel like they're like a sex object. They want to feel romance. And that's where my Emily and Tony massage candles come in. People like, what the hell is a massage candle? Well, they're actually these beautiful aromatherapy candles that smell amazing. And so they get you. They're like sexy scents. They get you turned on. It looks like a regular candle. So it's not even. Like every time you light it, you have to use it for massage. However, when you do light it, it burns cooler. It's not even wax. It burns into. It's vegan. It burns it at coconut oil, soybean oil. It's made out of all these natural ingredients and it sets the mood. And then you say to your partner, hey, babe, I know you've had a stressful day. Why don't I give you a massage? You blow it out and you pour it on your partner's body and it's, you know, you've used it.

It's a genius idea. I can't believe that these things haven't been around since, like, 20s.

I know, exactly. So I. I love that I meant it. And people freaked out. People have emailed me. They said, well, here. Okay, here's an email that's got from a listener. My girlfriend was skeptical at first, but agreed to try the warm. He said he bought the candle. He said she agreed to try the warm oil on me first, gave me a back rub, then I reciprocated, and we had amazing sex. She cannot stop talking about how good the candle smells and how great the massage oil feels. I am convinced the scent and the candle helped us through some of the barriers to sex we have faced lately. So there you go. I created these candles so you can have the best sex of your life. Go to emilyandtoni.com use coupon code EMILY for 20% off that. That's emilytony.com youm know, it'd be a.

Perfect product if you could somehow turn it into a birth control as well. You know what I mean? You massage, you bang. No baby, done.

Exactly. That would be great, but you can't put it inside you. I want to do a lube cam. I shouldn't give my idea away, but I want to do a lube, okay? I do that all the time.

A lube cam.

What candle? A lube candle, okay. Because guy can know guys can masturbate with the candle, but women can't insert it. So you could masturbate with the candle.

What happens if the candle liquid goes in the old.

You know, it's actually fine because it's all natural ingredients. It's vegan.

Vegan?

Yeah, except for the beeswax part. So it doesn't really make it vegan. But the point is, all of our products are. Is that it's just a little bit of the scent that we use. It could affect a woman's PH balance. And you're not supplying anything with a scent inside of a woman's vagina.

That makes sense. You put a little scent in there. I'm sure the guy's been trying to beat off with candle wax for centuries.

And it freaking hurts.

I bet it was probably awful for centuries.

But the thing, you know, the candles are like, moisturizing. They feel good. So all that stuff. So check out it. Okay, so let's get into some emails. We've got some time here. All right, this is about sex after baby. Hello, Emily. I've been so bothered by mine and my partner's sex life, or lack thereof, in the last six months. I gave birth to our first child in March and he has not had the urge to touch me since. Sex has happened maybe a handful of times, all initiated by me. He says nothing's wrong and he's still attracted to me for me. I just can't see how you don't want sex with the person you're supposed to love and be attracted to. I don't know what to do anymore. My self esteem and confidence have flown out the window. And in spite of me telling him how I feel, nothing has changed. What's going on here? This cannot be normal. Thanks for your help, Nicole. So the deal is, this is interesting because I often hear from men who say their wives don't want to have sex after childbirth. Right. We hear this all the time on Lovelines. But this isn't really as unusual as you might think it could be. You know, a lot of guys, they observe their partners giving birth to a baby and it could change the way they think about the baby. Some feel more connected to it and some might feel traumatized, which is still why bringing the guy into the, you know, you see mad.

I don't ever see that. I never see that.

If I had a baby, I would want my guy to be like, you know, outside smoking a cigar.

It's gonna be the 50s again when I, when my wife.

I know, I just think that could happen sometimes. But also, the bottom line is I don't know what his deal is. That might not even be it, Nicole. Maybe he's more stressed about work or he's. He's stressed about the baby crying and he's. I don't know what. But you have got to be honest with him about your feelings. And if you tell him, you know, that everything's fine, nothing's changed, we'll be okay, then he's gonna think it's okay. But you have to be really upfront about your needs and tell him that they're not being met. And, you know, you have to remind him that you are a sexual being on top of being the mother of his child. And, you know, maybe you could try, I don't know, like, if he's just not. I'm trying to see what you said. If you're initiating it.

It'S all initiated by you. He's still attracted to me. He's not initiating it. So I feel. And her self esteem, which, you know, her body's probably not back to normal, but I love that she's you know, at least she's wanting to have sex. So you've got to do things. This is the kind of thing where it's great to start now because the more that you don't talk to about this, the worse it's going to get. They always say sex is not a problem in a relationship until it's a problem and then it takes over the entire relationship. Relationship, it is a problem. So, you know, you have to remind, you know, I'm a sexual being. I'm not just a mother. Maybe you guys, you might need a night away. And here's the thing. I know your kid's only a few months old. And this is another thing for couples that all the time couples like, oh, I have a six year old, I have an eight year old, we don't have sex. Like, have you guys ever had a night away together? No, we never have. I've ever had a vacation without kids. No.

Especially nowadays because people are so paranoid. They don't trust anybody.

They don't trust anybody. And it's all about the kids. My parents left us.

I was with strangers all the time.

All the time.

Probably diddled. I turned out okay.

Were you diddled?

I think I might have been.

Come on. Were you sexually?

I don't know. We're not talking about all this.

I'm fine. I'm good.

Yeah. How dare you? People need to leave their kids with strangers every now and again.

Exactly. No, they do. They do. And I think that it's just changed the way kids are so coddled these days. And it's all about like the kids and not about the relationship. And the truth is, is that kids watch their parents. If their parents, they don't see their parents be affectionate and loving, that's gonna impact the kids. So people, parents think that it's selfish if they take time for themselves and the kids.

That's a really good point.

What if we missed their first step? What if we. What if something happens? Like, they're gonna be fine, okay? My mom like practically tied the, you know, the baby bottle to the crib and like went out. You know what I'm saying?

Both parents are angrily watching the first step. Angrily.

Yeah, exactly. Cause they're always gonna be somewhere else. So all I'm saying is you guys have to build some communication around this. And also another thing, Nicole, I don't know was before your marriage. So I mean, it's been six months. And so I just gotta say that it's only happened a handful of times. And so maybe Yeah, I think you guys gotta get outta your place. Maybe you gotta change after work again. This might sound cliche, but put on some laundry, take a bath. Like, do something different. Like make a dinner, get a babysitter to come over or leave that, you know, or take the kid to your mom's if she lives nearby. Just do something, set the mood, but talk to him about it and tell them that. And again, just like we started the show off saying, like, you don't want to demand it. You don't want to be angry. You don't want to say, I need this from you. Because the second you tell him, like, I need you to start, he's not going to hear you. Right. When you demand sex. But there's a way to do it to say, like, this is how it makes me feel. I've always been in. I initiate a lot. And I would love. It would feel so good to me if you came home one day and just started kissing my neck or making out with me or whatever. But not like in a mean, angry way. You're not mean angry, but you bring it up casually. Don't you think that's much more effective than being angry?

Yeah, you just let. You gotta let your person know that it really is affecting you. If they actually do care and love you, they're gonna see that and they're gonna actually make a concerted effort to fix it.

Exactly.

Before we move on, I've had two separate friends who had the identical issues with their wives after they had the baby. And it was really weird. They both talked to me, probably because I work on Loveline, and they feel like I can confide sometimes too much. Like, I don't need to hear about your sex life. But I heard all about it. Both these guys and their wives were. Were freaks before the baby, like, really, like, up sex. Like, when I say that in the best possible sense.

Right. Like kinky, crazy.

A lot of kinky. Yeah.

Right.

And then when she gave birth, all of a sudden, she became like, mommy. She became like, oh, my God, that's my. My child's mom. And like, this whole new, like, respect.

And like, they didn't, like, they didn't want to, like, do anything that they used to be into. But unfortunately, that was the only way that they knew how to have sex. So they couldn't even have normal sex. And he didn't want to. Neither one of them wanted to, like, do the, like, the kinky stuff with.

Mommy, but they both didn't want to.

Yeah, they got over and they got Back to everything. But it just took time. And I. I don't even know how they did. I have no idea how they did.

But they were freaking out about shifts. I think that it's funny because again, my friend, last night I was out, he said to me, you know, what about the whole Madonna. He got married. And he said, what about the whole Madonna whore thing? He's one of these guys, he's like, you know, he was married and he's divorced. He's like, I just can't imagine. And he's like, I kind of. She became the mother of my children, and I just wasn't really. I couldn't see my wife wanting to do all these crazy, kinky things. And I think that's really sad because I would have to be with someone who still valued me as a mom, could see me as a sexual being, and then also the mother. But I think some guys just can't separate that. Was that the issue with your friends? They was that, too. Both of them?

Yeah, both of them. Exactly.

So I think that, again, you got. You know. Yeah. I think that this is a. They just needed some dialogue around it. So, you know, it can't. I don't know how you change that. Like, you're wired, but you gotta, like, work on it.

And I think you gotta show them, like, remind them what you were before the baby. And that's when you go back to the cliche with, like, night out or lingerie.

Get a blind purple.

Remind them of who you are. Because now you're like, two different people almost, and they're high. Your girlfriend, wife, and then now mommy to my child. Which is kind of freaky.

Exactly. So get some candles. Get some Emily, Tony, massage candles at the atmosphere. He comes home, you're wearing lingerie, you're wearing heels. You give them massage, you warm them up, and you do your kinky, crazy stuff.

I can't imagine that it's having a kid. Just, like, seeing the boobs, and all of a sudden it's like a food source for, like, the thing that I love the most. And now I want to. I don't want to. Like, super used to those.

Well, I get it.

See, it'd be hard to pick up pristine.

You're not gonna have kids, are you?

For the baby. Aren't thinking about it. Are you thinking about adopting or having. We haven't. We never tried, so we might.

Really. Okay.

We're busy people. Busy people.

But you have Stanley.

Stanley's a dog and he's gonna die.

I know. Okay. Okay. Hello, Emily. My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. The first year was filled with wonderful sex anywhere and anytime. It didn't matter. About a year ago, I started some new medication, which really stopped my appetite for sex. Now, a year later, my appetite is finally back, but I feel like my boyfriend's is gone. It almost feels like if I'm not in thigh highs and a plaid skirt, he doesn't want me. I have tried to plan sex, slowly lead him into it and walk around naked to get him turned on, but nothing. I even tried to get him to go out and buy a new toy with me, and he just didn't seem interested. I love dressing up, but sometimes I just want to be taken care of. We used to be so kinky. This is exactly what we're talking about. But it used to be so dominant. But now all the lust has gone away. I don't know what to do. Please help Lindsay C. Okay, so first of all, I'm really glad that you got your sex drive back and you've taken control of the situation, because a lot of time women go on meds and they don't realize what it is. You mentioned that you've done all these things to try to get them out of the shell, but have you actually talked to them about it? Have you actually said, hey, what's going. You know, how you feeling about, you know, what's. What's going on with you? Is he. Why aren't you wanting to have sex anymore? Do I really need to be wearing the plaids? Because this is like the opposite situation that she feels like she's got to pull out all the bells and whistles or he won't have sex with her. And now after two and a half years, I understand that the sex life, you know, might take a little more work, but maybe you guys can get into something new together. So watch some porn together. Go, you know, read erotica. Sex toy shopping. I mean, you've got to communicate your needs to hit limb. Let him know that you've been there with that wine of sex because you've overcome this. And if he's unwilling to communicate, I always say, you know, counseling. I believe that every Couple needs counseling 2 1/2 years.

Other kids? Not yet, but it's time for them to move on. Maybe it's just the end of the relationship.

Maybe. Well, maybe it's the end of the relationship. Yeah, that's true. Two and a half years, first year, wonderful sex. Doesn't matter. Okay, medication. Here's the Thing. Yeah, I guess not. I guess. You know what? If you. If. If. If you talk to him about this, and it doesn't change. This is my problem. This is. This is what I got to tell everyone, is that you guys got to set time limits on this stuff, because these are the kind of problems that could go on for years and years. And, like, two years from now, you could be, like, looking back and going, yeah, this has been going on for two years. Do you really want to waste two years of your life waiting for him to start banging you again, just the way you liked it and having sex? No, you don't. So what you need to do right now.

Lindsay, is put a note in your calendar, whatever today's date is, and then three months from now, put say, you know, call it D day, whatever, and then say, in these three months, in these next three months, this is what I want to happen with our sex life. You just be your own personal thing, like, write down what the picture of your perfect sex life would be to you, and then do everything you can in your power to make sure that you get that by communicating with him, by doing whatever the hell it is. And if it doesn't change at the time and you believe that you've done everything you can and he's tried and you've tried, it might be time to.

End the relationship, call it breakup day, have a big star, right?

And I did this.

I love the idea of him coming over to your house, though, and seeing, like, it says breakup day on the 21st.

Well, don't say that.

What's. What's this breakup day all about?

No, I would just leave it on your own personal calendar, but no. Actually, the same friend that I started out with talking about in the show is that I was dating this guy years ago, and I. Probably 10 years ago, his name was Mark. Not Mark. No, that was long ago. That was even longer ago. Longer ago, but more, many more years.

Ago when you're in high school. It was, like, five years ago.

Exactly five years ago. So this was actually seven years ago when I was in my 20s, and he. No, he was. I was. I was dating for two and a half years, and I complained a lot about him, and she finally said to me, you know what? I'm sick and tired. Okay, well, she loves me, but in a loving way. You've been saying this for a long time now. Let me just be honest with you, Emily. And so we set a date on the calendar, and it was, like, December 15th. And so in my mind, I got into this, like, I have a deadline. And we were together a long time. He wanted to move in. I'm like. So I got. We went to therapy, which was, you know, I've always been pro therapy. Like, I've been in therapy since I was. My parents, like, threw me in therapy, like when I was like, day I was born, I swear to God. So we went to therapy and the couples, it was great because we worked out all these things. And I was able to say things to him in therapy and that I wanted to work on. And we really tried. And so I made this effort. And the day came and I dumped him because things didn't really change. And I had this date and I knew it could have gone on for another freaking 10. I could be married to him now. I'm miserable. So all I'm saying is he will pay attention to these problems right when he does and start working on it.

This is a sobering thought, but have they done a study on how many, like the percentage of couples that are actually happy, married or unmarried? I mean, I would, I would. If I had to guess, I would say the majority of people that are together right now are not happy and should maybe move on.

I mean, I don't want. Yeah, it's so hard to measure. I would say that. I mean, 50% of marriages end in divorce.

But even before marriage is like this. This girl. Complacency is so easy to just settle in.

Exactly. I know. It is so easy to settle in.

I probably spent eight years in the wrong relationships.

Oh, me too. We all do.

I could have had sex with so many other girls if I didn't waste my time for those eight years.

That's why I don't commit now unless I'm 100% sure. And it's been a really long time since I've committed because I'm so tired of wasting time. Because we all commit. What happens is you're having the best sex. Of course sex is amazing. Like, I could have sex, amazing sex with this freaking microphone for the next nine months. Yeah, I probably could. We would have a great time together. Take him out. It's very phallic shaped. I love it. Oh, my God. Make out, blowjobs, whole thing.

It'd be a good show. You should do that for one episode.

And then after nine months, I'd be like, ah, not so much. But maybe we'll go back to that time when things were so romantic and passionate. But people start having sex and they don't think there's any problems in the world. And then the sex dies. And then they're scrambling, then they start to look at each other and they're like, oh, can we get back to that? And so that's why you need to constantly be like taking a look at your relationship. Start talking about the sex like early on, like are you getting your needs met or whatever. And like just don't waste your life, especially in your 20s.

Like you don't need like an opposite sex roommate, you know, who you used to bang.

Exactly. You do not need a roommate that you used to bang. Then you got to kick down. You got split everything up. It's a pain in the ass. Don't rush into it.

Go out and get some strange.

Get some strange? Yeah. Wait till you're 30 to get married at that. And then you know yourself better anyway. Do we have time for one more? Should we wrap it up?

Let's do it. One more.

Okay. Okay.

I'm going to find a good one here. Not that there aren't all good, but here we go. This is from a guy. Here we go.

From a dude.

This is from a dude. Okay. I'm a 20. Emily. I'm a 23 year old boy crazy. Wait, I don't get this because it's signed. Okay, got it. Sorry. Emily, I'm a 23 year old boy crazy. It's from a woman. I'm a 23 year old boy crazy and a sexual female. I've always been strictly dickly. But I have a little secret. I've always been more interested in lesbian porn rather than straight. I've been in a relationship for over three near three years now. And I feel like I'm hiding something from my man as he has no idea when I masturbate or watch porn. But this is my preference. Although I'm sure vagina is definitely not for me. Is this abnormal? Furthermore, am I keeping a secret? That could be destructive. Can't wait to hear from you. Thank you, Donna. Donna, you are totally in the norm here. I'm telling you, most women, many women masturbate to female to lesbian porn and gets them turned on. I'd say even more so than not, that's what they prefer. And the thing about female site is, I mean, I doubt that your straight boyfriend is masturbating to homosexual porn. But female sexuality is so fluid. Like if you look at the Kinsey spectrum, you know, women are just more fluid and open about their sexuality and they experience more arousal from a much wider range of stimuli than men do. Right, so you're not concerned about heterosexual porn. But. But women do. And. And so you're. A lot of women are just as aroused by watching females, you know, as they are watching men. So the fact that your boyfriend doesn't know, first of all, there's nothing wrong with you masturbating to porn. And I don't think you should be ashamed or embarrassed at all. I mean. And I'm wondering what you're worried about. Are you afraid that he's gonna judge you and he's gonna think this is bad? In fact, he's probably gonna think it's really hot and want to watch, I would think, right? Or, you know, I don't think that he would be upset. I think you'd be very surprised that the fact that you masturbate and the fact that you're a sexual being and you're taking care of yourself, he would probably find it really hot. And mutual masturbation is one of my favorite tips for couples, because you guys could watch porn together. You can masturbate. He could watch how you get off. You watch how he gets off, and it's, like, fun for the whole family. So I say, don't. Fun for both of you. I'm just, you know the saying.

Fun for the nuclear family, the two of you.

But I really think that you guys could watch it together. And it's funny that there is all this, you know, shame that a lot of women have and men around sex and around their desires and their fantasies and just because let me tell you something. While you're also. It's very common, Donna. It's common that you would masturbate to something that you absolutely have no interest in trying, that you want to go nowhere near female vagina. That is a female vagina, as opposed to a male vagina. You want to go near your vagina. Totally normal. That what turned you on isn't necessarily something that you want to engage in. So I think it's really common and good for you for masturbating and finding what makes you all hot and bothered. I love it. So that's what we have time for today. Anderson.

I liked it. It was a fantastic show. I enjoyed that one.

It's because of you a lot. Really? How come?

I don't know. I feel like you were very concise, and we got to, like, three things and just stuck with them. And you got some good stuff.

I'm not usually so linear.

You're pretty linear right now. What's going on? You drinking tea?

No. And I'm so freaking tired. I only had Three hours of sleep. And I was afraid that I wasn't gonna be as linear tonight. So don't get me wrong.

One of the reasons why I love you so much is because you're all over the place. And I think it really works, especially in today's day and age with like all the things going on and everyone's on their Twitter and on stuff and Facebook. I think that these kinds of shows and people like you and I, who are scatterbrained, are really good. I think that people actually tune into that, if that makes sense.

Yeah, I get it.

But it's nice every now and again to be linear as well.

Yeah, I try. Well, I didn't even try, so that's. That's funny because I forgot to sleep. Anyway. Okay, so, Anderson, and what's going on with your podcast this week?

Film Vault. And I don't even remember what we did. What do we do?

I don't know. Everyone's just.

It was good. Good episode though. Top five bullies in film history. It was a pretty good one. Okay.

Yeah, everyone should check it out. Thank you, Anderson. And thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbacksextswithemily.com.

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