How to Build Real Emotional & Sexual Connection

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you break down walls, build bridges, and create the intimate connections you crave. In this episode, we're getting real about two topics that quietly affect so many relationships. Intimacy blocks and porn use. They're both incredibly common. They're also deeply misunderstood. Have you ever found yourself craving closeness but shutting down when things get vulnerable? Or maybe you've struggled with a partner who seems checked out emotionally or sexually, and you don't know how to reconnect. Or maybe you've wondered, is porn helping or hurting my sex life? We'll also tackle your honest, unfiltered listener questions about emotional availability, attachment styles, mismatched libidos, and what to do when porn becomes more of a barrier than a turn on. Because the truth is, whether you're in a long term relationship or exploring your own solo pleasure, intimacy requires emotional safety, curiosity, and communication. And porn, like any tool, can either enhance or hinder that connection, depending on how we relate to it. My intention in this episode is to help you better understand your patterns, make space for compassionate conversations, and find more freedom and closeness, both with your partner and with yourself. All right, let's break it down.

What's going on? It's so good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Yeah. You all rested from your vacation?

I am not rested at all. I was.

So. I never. I never did this before.

So do this.

FYI, I went to Mexico and I went to the Hard Rock in Riviera Maya, which is effing amazing, by the way. It is so cool. I went to the adults only section there, and I'm telling you, amazing food, top shelf. Alcohol, 24. 7. All these pools, there's like all these lagoons connected to the ocean, crystal clear water, fish, all this kind of stuff. But my schedule, I had to be back early one day, so I had to change my flight. And I was flying Virgin America, but on the way back, I ended up having to change and go with a different airline, which is called Interjet. What I don't know if anybody's ever heard of.

I'm glad you made that.

But everything on the. Everything on the way there was way back, was in Spanish, and they were showing like, Pink Panther from the 70s cartoons on there and like Monster Truck videos from the 90s.

Like a free flight or something.

It wasn't a free flight, but it was the only fight that was available to get back home in time.

And you got back like five minutes ago and you haven't slept.

Yeah. And I. But what was weird is I landed in lax and I've been flying to LA LAX my entire life. I landed in the middle of nowhere and I had to get on a bus on an active Runway to get back to the building so I can get off the plane. It took forever.

And then you'd go through customs, have.

To go through customs, which is always stressful.

Even if you're not smuggling drugs, you're like, oh, my God, are they gonna find, like, not that you have anything, but, like, if they're gonna pull you.

Over, always seem guilty.

And when you smuggle drugs, that's more stressful.

Yeah. So then. And then I had to get up early for the Woody show, which is a morning show that I'm part of here in Los Angeles.

Yeah, I woke up yesterday specifically to listen to the Woody show. No, I was driving. I was driving to Santa Mon. Veronica in the morning, which I never do drive anywhere in the morning. But I was like, I'm gonna listen to madness. And then I listened and I was so entertained. But turns out it was a repeat because you were out of town.

Yeah, but that's cool.

But you're. Yeah, I like it a lot. They all love you. Like I love you. I mean, they don't know you like I know you. No, they do. But it was. It was good. I really liked it. I was totally entertained. And I tweeted you. You didn't tweet back. It's because you were lying in the sun and it's totally fine. And so, yeah, it was the 4th.

Of July, July weekend. That's why I was gone, out of town. But what did you do?

I went to Malibu, which is a lovely, lovely place that I'd like to someday live or at least have a.

Home there with Caitlyn Jenner.

Once I have a one home, one home, I can maybe get a second home there because I couldn't live there full time. But it was fun. I went to two very different parties. I went to a party at a friend's house. It was all kids. I walked in. It was so funny being. I walked in, beautiful, you know, down the beach, very nice friend. And she's like, hi, are you here alone? And I was like, yeah. I mean, you know me. I love hanging alone. I love going to parties alone.

Going stag.

Going stag. I'm like, yeah, was. I suppose I should go find someone outside, you know, but it was really fun. It was like a lot of kids and barbecues and Malibu is just. It's just so beautiful, like, right on the beach. I love it. And then I went to Soho House, Malibu, which is a private club that my friend belongs to, and lots of beautiful people, and it's just nice to be by the ocean and just take a few days off. And I liked it. And you know what else I've been doing, though? So, yeah, it was a good few days to, you know, rejuvenate. So something I've been doing. Masks. I have a confession to make. I actually. You might already know this. I've never listened to a podcast, a sex family podcast. Not one, you know, maybe half of one here and there. I remember I listened to the first one.

Wow.

And I was really nervous about posting it because I was like, 2005, and I'm like, oh, my God. And I listened to that one and, and. And I don't. And I know that that's like, you know, great artists, performers, like, you know, football players, you watch your. You play and the coach goes through with you, and it's not. Cause like. Well, there's a lot of reasons, I think. I also feel like I don't have time. I already did it. I already said it. But there is a lot to learn by listening too. Cause, you know, I'm always trying to work on myself and, you know, make a better show for everybody. But also I just thought, God, what if I listen and I don't like it? And then I'm like, oh, my God. I've been saying all the time. You know what I mean? There's a lot of different reasons, but I just thought, I'm just gonna do it. And. And first of all, I'm very entertained. I think it's good. Like, I was like, oh, my God, this is funny. And the other thing that it cures is that there's this weird, like, radio amnesia thing that happens. I don't know if this happens to you. I know Dr. Drew and I used to talk about this, that you. Things happen when, like, we're here, like, we're in it. We're in a bubble. And sometimes I leave and I'm like, I don't remember, like, exactly what we talked about. Right. Do you remember that?

I mean, just this morning I recorded a.

Five hours.

Five. Yeah, five hours of stuff. Don't remember anything that I said at all.

It's not like, I don't remember it. And like, it's not. It's false.

I know that. I was there.

Right.

I don't remember anything.

Exactly. Well, you're also. Yeah. So it's just been really, you know, an interesting experience. And I. There are some things that I thought. I'm like, God, that was not. That didn't come off. Or that, you know, And I just thought, I'm gonna start doing that. And that's why I'd also like to hear from listeners like what you. You know, we always love to hear your feedback. Like, and I gotta get a lot of feedback. Feedbacks withelmi.com, but, like, you know what you like, what you don't like. But overall, I think we're doing a good job.

All the feedback to heart.

No, I know. Medicine was like, one person said that, so we should stop. But, you know, I like it. I do realize that sometimes I say things and I'm like, there was a show. Actually, I loved it. You know, the show that we did a few weeks ago with Danielle, my coach, she called in. I'm taking the somatic training. Yeah. And that was, like, a really powerful moment where I was like. Because a bunch of people told me, wow, that was really intimate. And because I shared a lot about myself, you guys could go back and listen to that show, which is called Ditch the Drama for Better Sex. And I. It came out a few weeks ago, and I did reveal a lot about, like, childhood stuff, and I was like, what? What I said. I mean, I remember, but I don't. And I listened. I'm like, that was powerful. But all I could hear was I said powerful eight times. I'm like, it was just really powerful. It was really powerful. And then I'm, like, taking myself out of it. Like, no one else is noticing that. So it was just interesting. I would just like to also hear people. But, like, do you listen to your shows?

I mean, yeah, I have to, because I edit the podcast for the Woody show every day, so I re. Listen to a majority of it. And then when I adjust the volume on this podcast a lot because Emily doesn't talk directly on the microphone.

I am right now. I haven't moved.

I know. I love it.

The only thing that's moving on my lips.

So there is definitely a lot of sections that I listen to. But, yeah, I can't listen to the whole show. But I do appreciate that every. Everyone that does do that. Thank you so much. And it's funny because I'm, you know, I don't know. What is it? Fifteen podcasts ago, I said, hey, if you listen all the way to the end, comment on my dog's Instagram page. And I get comments every day of people that listen all the way to the end.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that. So you said, go check out Emily's bikini photo on Instagram. Till this day, I've gotten, like, 80 comments. I listened. I listened. So thank you, everyone, for following Instagram. I just think I have to post more bikini shots is what producer Madison suggested. And we did just get a huge thing of lube. And I thought, well, maybe we could do something. We could fill, like, a sink with lube, and I could be green screen here.

So all you got to do is put on one bikini. You can just keep on changing the background.

Let's just do that. Check out the Instagram. You're gonna see some nip slips maybe. Who knows which I'll Add sex with Emily.

Also, I've been mentioning the past couple podcasts, but I been emailing with some of your team about, you know, setting up the, the Facebook Live.

I'm so excited to do that.

What I think I, what I suggest. I know we're talking about right now.

Let's do it.

I suggest that we should just do little short ones where you answer emails.

Okay.

And the shows are the shows and then these are.

So I'm not communicating people on Facebook. They're watching it.

They're watching it. You're just reading off emails from people. So that'd be great.

That's great.

I think that'd be really.

Let's do it. It's so easy, right?

Super easy.

I mean, because we do get so many emails, I can't try to get to all of them. And we do email you when we read them.

You want to do. You don't want to do a full on show on there? No, no.

Because this is how we roll.

Yeah. And then just do like 10 minutes of just answering emails because I know.

You'Re on Facebook anyway. Yeah, anyone who says they're not on Facebook is always on Facebook.

Yeah, no, there's some people that I.

Think there's people who are like.

But there's people that say that they're not on Facebook and they aren't. But they go on their friends and find out all the information.

No, exactly, Totally. But it's cool. We're on social media and in fact. Okay, we'll want to get some to some sex in the news.

Okay, go for it.

I found this was interesting. Thank you. Three reasons why you should avoid online dating when you're lonely. And I might also put an asterisk there and Facebook because a lot of people do talk about that. Reminded me of how Facebook, you know, people somehow get like a little depressed. Cause everyone's like presenting their perfect life. But it's interesting take on online dating. Cause we all think lonely means, well, I better find someone to hook up with. So you start swiping or messaging and you see some potential matches. But here's the thing. Most people who have performed this late night ritual and think I'm feeling lonely, I'm going to go online and date. Will say that no, it's not the best way to handle loneliness. Any sense of hope for connection is wiped out with one like, hey babe, you're sexy hot pic. And then you're like, ugh, I'm so depressed. I mean it is a great way to meet people that you would never meet otherwise. And I'm not saying you shouldn't online date, but if you're like, in a lonely mood or you're feeling isolated, it can actually exacerbate that loneliness. So let's discuss the top three reasons online eating does not cure or even reduce loneliness. Okay. I know, number one, it's about time. So there's a mountain of evidence that suggests loneliness is not caused by being alone, which is interesting. It's caused by lack of relationships that feel deep and satisfying. So it's an interesting conundrum because you're online trying to find a deeper relationship, but it's not going to happen for an hour or two of swiping on an app. And so I think loneliness, you know, the best, you know, antidote to loneliness. Antidote to loneliness is like anecdote. Antidote to loneliness is often connecting with people and making plans with friends and getting out of your house and doing something and getting a dog. And I'm going to. Getting a dog. And I'm going to admit something here that is pretty personal, is that I remember a family friend who's actually a therapist years ago said to me, you know, I was always in relationships and going on to the next. And he goes, you've just. Just never been lonely. He said, you should try. You should experience loneliness first. And I'm like, oh, lonely. I've never been lonely. Okay. And I know it was stuck in my head, you know, because I think, like, it's important to experience a lot of things. And I realized that moving to la, you know, three years ago and leaving my community in San Francisco, which I had, you know, friends there for 23 years, like, that perhaps I have been lonely. Like, I have relations, I have friends, but they're not the same same. I mean, a few of them, but that deep person. I don't have a dog. Those connections that like sometimes. And I realize that would I. That sometimes I'm just like, well, I'm just gonna go home. Because I. I'm also like, being home. But whenever I just say yes to, even if I don't feel like it. Like, if you're going, you're feeling like, you know, you just want to stay home. Like I said a few weeks ago, like, I feel like America's struggle is just to get off the couch, because we all really just want to be at home watching tv. But when I do say, you know what, I'm gonna go to dinner with someone I don't really know, it's a little weird or friend I always feel better by that connection with someone. So yeah, I might have felt loneliness and now I'm moving past it.

Good.

Even by talking about it, I feel less lonely.

It's hard because. Yeah, in Los Angeles it's so spread out. And then San Francisco, it's so convenient to just meet up with somebody and hang out.

Exactly. It's easier now. And I had just those connections of 20 years and here it's like I'm starting over in a way. Like making. You don't just make best friends in a day, like you have a relationship so you build it.

Yeah. But I totally understand my best friend from high school who I hung out with every single day and then even out of high school forever. When I finally moved to la, I've seen him twice and I've been here for two and a half years because.

La, yeah, it is so spread out. Like if you're in Venice, like I'm not gonna see you. Like if you're.

But I don't think it's, I don't think it's ridiculous to go drive places like some people are. Just so if it's more than 10 minutes away, I'm not going to go there. I would totally do that. But it seems it's such a fast paced city. Like people always have something to do, you know.

That's true.

So when you try to make big plans, it is.

Yeah. You don't know if they're going to. People cancel the whole thing. People are flaky here. They say, I guess, I don't know. Okay. It's also about the other reason why you might feel lonely. It's about technology. Technology is great, you know, most efficient way to meet new people these days. Often, you know, people are not striking up conversations as much with like a stranger at the bank. But there is ample evidence that technology is not the best or most accurate way to get to know someone. Because knowing someone again is like spending time, a deep relationship. And you know, technology can also make it harder to do so because people lie in their dating profiles, they have a harder time gauging like how sincere is this person when you don't have the facial expressions and the in person contact. So when it comes to satisfying relationships, the kind that ease loneliness is knowing each other really well, which is hard to do online. So I'm not saying you shouldn't date online. I'm just saying it's important to develop those outside. And number three, it's about stress. So Aziz Ansari, you know Aziz Ansari, his book Modern Romance, which is really good. Actually read it, believe it or not. Interviewing hundreds of young people involved in online dating. And he describes. I remember this in the book, talking to one girl, and she said the process of online dating had morphed from fun and exciting into a new source of stress and dread. And I've heard this from so many of my friends, more girlfriends than guy friends. But it's just, you know, it can be stressful because you're getting all these, like, connections. But then, like, you hear from someone.

There'S too many connections. Because back in the day, online dating, when it first started, you'd be on Match, and then you probably get three, four responses, and then you maybe connect with one or two of them, and then you're just talking to those people.

Yeah.

Here with freaking Tinder and Bumble, you're talking to, like, 40 people at the same time.

Oh, yeah, Always.

Oh, how was that connection last time.

That I. Dude, he didn't message me. Oh, do you want to do it again? Tinder Menace went on my Tinder and started swiping with people, and then I.

Went through, like, 60, and I only found one to match with. And he didn't talk to you?

I don't know why I have to check it again, but, like, I'm thirsty, yo. Dude, I. I know I haven't.

Bumble is the. Let me see if I can find somebody.

Bumble is the app when you. I should sign up for Bumble. That's the one where the women make the first message or it goes away. But Tinder's like, I've had this profile forever, and I don't ever go on it until last week.

All right, let me find somebody.

You do that. So anyway, just think about that, you guys. That. That it's okay if you are dating online in your home, you know, just. And you start to feel lonely or you're not in a great place for it, it might not cheer you up. That's all I'm trying to say. Okay, we're doing emails. This will be fun. Menace is swiping on my Tinder.

I'm swiping like, dude, there's no one.

Right? It's not good. She opened up Hinge. I was on him for a while.

You know, but the thing is, also. Oh, I knew that guy.

Who, you know someone. Is he cute?

Is he nice Radio guy? He's so cheesy. Put his radio logos on his photos. Like, 90% of these photos are terrible. Like, why are.

I don't know. I feel like Mike, you guys should pass it by me first. I should. I'll tell you which photos to put up.

Horrific photos.

The guys who put up pictures with like a girl but you don't know who it is. Or like six guys and you're like, which one are you? I don't have a lot of time.

This photo, this guy in a gym.

Taking selfie and not his face.

And his face is cut off because.

That makes me say like, oh, I just want your body. This. He thinks that's what I'm gonna do.

No wonder you're never on this thing. It's awful.

I just, you know.

And then here's a photo with the guy and two other people. Like, which one?

How do I know? Do you think I have time to be the detective right now? No. Either show me who you are. Don't put all your other friends. What if I think your friends cute? Not you.

Here's a guy at a car show sitting in one of the cars at the convention.

You can't see his face. You can't see anything. It's not even his car.

Terrible guys. Oh my God.

Set up.

Step up your photo game.

I know people. It's a whole art. I mean really, it's marketing. You're marketing yourself.

Yeah, research.

And every guy has a guitar too. I'm like, you don't play guitar. It's like your roommate's guitar.

Okay, so honestly, I've probably gone for real. You didn't swipe any over 50 photos and I haven't found one.

Thanks for nothing. Now I'm feeling lonely. Just kidding. Okay, got some emails.

All right, what do you got?

Dear Emily, I'm a 55 year old woman who is newly divorced after 2028 years of marriage. The last several years of my marriage, we slept in separate bedrooms and had no physical contact at all. Once we separated, I started online dating. I met someone and the sparks flew. Our sex life was incredible. And I would have multiple mind blowing orgasms. Problem was, it was an unhealthy relationship because he ended up being exactly like my ex husband. It was also slightly illicit. I would describe it as me slumming with him. Several months after I broke up with him, I met a terrific guy. We have many common interests. I love spending time with him. Our sex life started off a little awkward, but we're both starting to feel more comfortable communicating our needs to each other. I find I'm having difficulty having an orgasm with him. He will go down to me and use his hands with me guiding. But I just can't seem to climax. I can't get over the thought of the orgasms I had with the other guy out of my head, even though I know I shouldn't compare. Am I overthinking this? Can I make it work with the new guy? I don't want this to be a deal breaker, but at this time in my life, I want to have a healthy relationship with sex. And as an important factor. Love your show and hope to hear back from you, Lisa.

See, this is what we talk about all the time. Like situations where, yeah, you have amazing sex with somebody that sucks as a person, are in a relationship with, but then you meet an amazing person to have a relationship with. But then the sex is not on that level. You can't compare them.

Yeah, you really can't compare sexual experiences. But it's interesting because we all.

The crazier the girl is, and the. The most insane relationship you have, probably, that's probably the best sex you've ever had in your life.

People always say that, crazy girl, crazy sex. You're never gonna marry the person you have the best sex with. I'm gonna say that's not true, I hope, in my life. Well, I'm not. If I get married. But I don't think that has to be the case necessarily. But that is a very common wisdom, that common belief that people have. But I think what happened here, Lisa, is that you're linking up in your brain. Good, you know, with a good guy. You know, it sounds like that you've linked up in your brain that bad guy, bad boy equals great sex and orgasms. Nice guy equals bad sex. No orgasms, because your husband wasn't great. This last guy wasn't great. And it's possible that your marriage and divorce left some issues that you still, you know, gotta work through. So not a bad idea to get into therapy, figure out where this link is between the bad boy and the good sex. And also, I'm just curious, after reading your email, like, are you attracted to this guy? Like, you know, you said at first it was awkward, you know, and he's a nice guy. And I like that he's a nice guy. Believe me, it's much better than dating the jerks before. But it could be your body saying that you're not ready. But I wouldn't say that you should dump this guy just because you're not having orgasms yet. Because if you have been listening to the show, you know that, you know, it's not always. It's not a perfect science. So you know, maybe your mind is like thinking about the last guy or, you know, it could be anatomical. Like, there could be a way that, like, his penis isn't, you know, you haven't quite figured out how to move with him or communicate with him. And so I would just say, like, you got nothing to lose right now. And why not just say to him, God, you know, hot sex is fun and I need to move certain ways or do certain things. If orgasms, like, let me show you. Let's work on it together. Like, can you think of what it was before, why you were able to orgasm? I'm sure, you know, was it a position, was it dirty talk, was it aggressive? You know, what was going on there? And can this guy kind of get on board with your plan and kind of help you get there? Because I don't think. I don't know that you've tried with him. It doesn't sound like you guys have had this talk because again, I know talking about sex is a hard thing to do, but I wouldn't dump this nice guy yet without really trying. So I don't think it's impossible. I think it's possible to have an orgasm, you know, if you have had orgasms before. We'd be having a totally different talk if you've never had one, but you've had them. And so. And the thing about orgasms, another tricky thing, is that it's. Sometimes it's. Our minds can get in the way. You know, it's not even a physical thing.

You're thinking too much person while you're having sex with the current.

Yeah. And she even said, I'm overthinking. If you got to ask if you're overthinking, honey, I think you're overthinking. So I'd go back with him and I would just try to have a talk because you've got nothing to lose here. And then if you talk to him about it, you're like, this is what I like. You could try some mutual masturbation. And if it still doesn't happen, then, you know, you tried, but just to end it. You know, it's funny because I get questions, men all the time, people like, if I had a bad first kiss, should I just end it? Should I just knock on someone first off?

A first kiss?

Yeah. Or like a bad first.

Even first hookup. Yeah.

No, you shouldn't, because you're with noop. There's so much going on. It's like a whole new experience. Like the first time you try Anything new. You know, the first time like you, you try a new sport or the first time I try a new, like yoga, like you, you gotta learn there's a learning curve.

Yeah. Don't give up on the first.

Don't give up ever. Don't give up. No. And don't give up on him yet. Lisa, give a little try. Yeah. Ready? Hi Emily, I'm a huge fan of your podcast. I love listening to all your tips, tricks and relationship advice. You always seem to care about the people that write in and give them thoughtful assistance to their issue. Love your Instagram too. Thanks for sharing yourself with all of us. My husband and I have been married for under a year. We are 30 and we have an incredible sex life. We're very sexually active and we keep it very intimate and sexy. It's great. Problem is he's in the military and was deployed recently. He's in a nine month deployment overseas that our sex life. So our sex life is on hold. Two worries I have while he's away. One, porn. Two, intimacy. I'm worried that both of us will get used to watching porn and that might affect our sex life and intimacy levels when he gets home. I know neither of us are visually stimulated by porn. I know both of us are visually stimulated by porn and like to watch it when we self love, self pleasure. Neither of us would say we have to have it, but I know we both prefer to. What advice would you give us on the amount of porn we watch over the next nine months? Should we try to limit and focus that sexual energy on pictures or memories of each other? Thanks for your time and health. Nine month Virginia.

Well, yeah, she doesn't want to get it addicted to porn.

Right? Right. Well, yeah, because her husband's away. He's deployed for nine months.

Yeah, don't.

I mean, I, I think, here's the thing. I think that you're. I love that. You know, I think you're worrying a little bit too much here because you're like, you know when people feature trip and you're like, God, but what if this happens? Or what if we watch too much porn and then we won't be into each other? Like what are the chances?

Personality.

She doesn't say that, but she says they have great sex and great intimacy. I like that you're aware of it because it is a real, I mean some couples, you know, do just get, you know, addicted to porn, if you believe in that. It's controversial but it, you know, as a replacement. But it sounds like you guys have A great connection. And that, that, that I think that the connection that you have and the great sex that you've had when he comes back, it's going to trump all the porn that you've seen. And you're just gonna be so excited to see each other again. I agree.

But I mean, if they, if she could just use the, the memory and things that she has with them, I say, I say go for it. So if you do have addictive personality, then I suggest, then yeah, right.

I mean, but it sounds like. Yeah, I don't know if she does. But I think that you guys could both learn to do it without porn. In fact, while it is very healthy for relationships. I talked about this a few weeks ago on the show, but it's true that if you are worried about this at all, even just for yourself, because you can't control what your husband's doing. But I think masturbating without porn is like a really great way to first of all, to have a new experience with self love. So, you know, thinking about him and memories that you guys have together, like, you know, looking at pictures or if you like little videos or you can write stories and that makes you feel good. Like, try to just like not watch porn. You could also, you know, and just think about those memories. You could also just say, you know what? I'm not gonna think about anything but the sensations I'm having in my body. So you can have a night where you're having a date with yourself and you're taking a bath and you're just touching your body and you are learning new erogenous sounds, maybe playing with some new toys. And when your thoughts go to anything, I mean, you could think about your husband, but bring it back. Try to try one session where you're just going back to whatever it is you're feeling. So wow. I never knew that when I rubbed my fingers over my nipples that I got so turned on. I mean, this is a great time to explore your body. Yeah. Learn about your body. And what about your husband? Like, I don't know if he's in the military, if you guys can have like Skype sex and stuff. I don't know if he's like in a barrack with like a bunch of guys or what that could happen. So I would say just try to take a little time away from it and don't beat yourself up. Maybe one time do porn the next time. Mother porn, you know, also do your Kegel exercises. I like when I masturbate and I breathe and I do my Kegels. Cause I can have more intense orgasms. So I think you guys are fine and don't worry about it too much. Sounds like you guys have a great foundation, all that stuff. I like them. Hi, Madness. Hi. Okay. Hi. I'm a 22 year old guy from New York. Huge fan of your show. You guys make talking about all this stuff so relaxed and easy. I appreciate it so much. I'm in my first serious, serious relationship with a girl who has so much trouble opening up about. Who has as much trouble opening up about what she needs in the bedroom as I do. As such, it feels like there is an awkwardness we can't break through. As a fan of your show, I'm super sex positive and I want to get over this so badly. How do you set the tone for a straightforward judgment, free conversation and make sure that we can successfully break that wall down? Thanks, Emily. Okay.

Alcohol.

Alcohol.

No man, marijuana.

I'm so glad you don't say that as much anymore. But that, that can help people relax and enjoy sex. Not talk about sex.

Why not?

You think after you get high and you great sexually. Let's talk about this. No, no, no.

I'm not saying you, but after a couple of drinks. Yeah, definitely. I mean, remember it if you remember. Yeah. Oh, if you're in New York, Rainbow.

Room brunch and have a chat there about sex.

I mean, it could lead up to it. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's true. It's best to have these conversations outside.

The bedroom about the Rainbow Room. Yeah, it's like all the way on the top at the NBC building.

Yes, yes, I've been there.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Delicious buffet, awesome drinks.

Okay, that's good. Menace food. Advice to wherever you are in the world.

Wherever you're at. I got you.

It's true. What would be a good place to eat and to have a conversation about orgasms?

About boning?

Bone in. But see, okay, so you guys are the same age, which is great. And it's possible, like we say, she might not know what she wants yet and you might not know exactly what you want and how to talk about it. So in a way this is a level playing field, which I like. So you can just start it by, I mean, again, it's like ripping the band aid off. This is not always an easy thing to do when you've never talked about sex. But you can just say to her when you're at the Rainbow Room, hey, so you know, let's talk about our sex life. I think you know it's been. Last night was hot. Like, so what. What did you think about last night? What was your most memorable moment from last night? You know, and then she can ask you the same thing and you guys can start talking about what you like, what you don't like. You could even say, people do this all the time. Hey, so I've been listening to this podcast, Sex with Emily, and she talks about how so many couples don't talk about sex. And I thought, wow, we haven't talked about sex yet. And so, like, I thought, let's talk about sex. I'm not even sure I don't have a mission here. I just want to know, like, are you feel about it? Yeah.

Are you in a threesome?

So, yeah, this friend coming over later.

Yeah, let's do it.

Exactly.

We out here.

Yeah. And say that you want to discuss, like, hey, like this really? What turned you on or what? You know, I'd like to try xyz. You guys go to a sex toy store after the Rainbow Room. You can just open it up and be like, how? Let's start talking. You could just be like, I don't even know what that means. Communication is lubrication. But let's. That's what she always says. Emily, this crazy podcaster.

Yeah, so I'm nuts.

But I. I like that you're asking this question and you're both awkward about it, but the only way to get less awkward is to have a chatty chat. Do it.

Okay, these chairs are squeaking. We've got to put some WD40 on them.

Oh, I have WD40. That should work.

Perfect. Or some lube.

Lube. Yeah, System Joe lube. We got a lot of.

Oh, you want to put a bat of that?

I have a vat. I truly have a vat of lube. And on my Instagram, I'm gonna be in a bikini in a vat of lube. We decided.

Yes.

You know what I'm do? I'm gonna be in a bikini in a vat of blue. My life. Hi, Emily. My name is Carol, 36, from Port Huanemie, California. Do you know it? H U E N E M E.

I haven't heard of it.

I have a question, but I'm not sure where to start. About three years ago, my boyfriend cheated on me with a 21 year old.

Oh, no.

She's 36. Apparently everything started when she was 19.

Oh, no.

Yeah, this all happened right after two years.

He was cheating.

Yeah.

Damn.

This all happened right after we had our baby, when I Found out I had plenty of evidence, from pictures to texts, etc. When I asked why, he said Iggy Azalea. He what? Right?

Yeah.

I even know this. When I asked why, he said it was because I wasn't sexy enough and I didn't wear the lingerie he he desired. And she did. He left for three years and later came back and begged for me to take him back.

They all do.

They always circle back.

Because the young one didn't want to be with his old ass anymore.

She's like, I'm 22, man. Stuff going down. I went ahead and forgave him. And the sex has been great. Prior to the cheating, we had major passion. But recently asked why I don't wear sexy lingerie. Here's where things get sticky. One, I'm scared that if I do wear the lingerie, he'll be thinking about her. And two, I've become very insecure about wearing lingerie with him since, after all, he did say I wasn't sexy. Emily, what should I do to work on the present and try to forget the past?

Help Carol wear the lingerie and forget about it?

No. What? It's not that simple, honey. I mean, why? Because this is a wake up call. This is not about the lingerie. This is not about any of that. I'm sure the sex is. No, no, no, no. Menace, Listen.

He tells you exactly what the problem is.

Menace. Menace.

What?

Okay, I know you're tired from Mexico. Here's the thing about cheating, Carol, is that it sounds to me like, first of all, my heart, like, my heart opens up so much for you. I. I was like, really moved by your email because I can only imagine what that must have felt like. Having a new baby, finding out he's cheating with this young girl and then like, not like it damages your self esteem, your trust, you know, your ability to be in a relationship, probably with anyone. And then he comes back and yes, the sex is great. It's always great. Breakup sex, makeup sex is fun, you know, feels great. But here's the thing. You have not healed yet. I fully believe that you have not rebuilt the trust with this guy. How do you know he's not going to leave again? He scarred you. And I'm, you know, I'm. I'm all for working on things, especially if you guys have a kid together. But rebuilding the trust is not something you do on your own. Especially after a devastating cheating like this. I mean, it's like you guys got a. You just had a kid with him, so I feel like, you know, this is all about the betrayal and the damage happened three years ago. And he should be, you know, trying to rebuild your trust, not saying, like, why don't you wear lingerie? So I. I highly suggest that you guys, like, do not run. You know, do not walk, but, like, run to therapy, because you need a therapist to help you guys figure out if and when you can rebuild this trust.

Yeah, you could wear the laundry, but I get it. Like, it's gonna trigger a lot for you. You don't know. He might be thinking, I hate this girl. What are you thinking? I won't be thinking about lingerie. But how would you know, Carol? Like, how would you know? It's never just about the lingerie and learning a new sex move. It's about betrayal and trust. And I think that that's where you guys have to focus right now. Not going right back to the sex. And maybe you don't want to rock the boat and your Happy's back, which is. I'm glad he's back. But he doesn't get, like, a free pass. Like, he doesn't get a hall pass just for showing up. So you got some work to do there. And then eventually, you'll feel great wearing lingerie because you'll have an issue. Free lingerie experience.

Just don't drag it out for years.

No, right.

See, that's why I'm saying exhausting.

Let me tell you what happens with couples who don't work on cheating issues when there's betrayal. And I know many couples like this. I don't care if it was a year ago, 10 years ago. I've heard from couples who are like, he cheated on me, or she cheated on me eight years ago. And it still comes up all the time, like, why is my partner nagging me? Not forgetting about it, or why can't I forget it? It's because nothing in our life goes away. No issues are ever just go away. We repress them. They are not healed. We don't work them through, so they no longer are so charged for us. So we don't have triggers. And that's the. That's the work you have to do, people. I'm sorry. Doesn't go away. Abuse doesn't go away. On that high note, that's what we got time for today.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please, like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And, hey, share this with a friend. Or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

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