How to Date These Days

On the first date, sometimes I found that people are a little bit more nervous. They ramble a little bit more, and if you're nervous, you might just talk about yourself. You might not be able to listen as clearly. So that's why I always think if the first date went well enough, you might as well go on a second date. So I wouldn't judge anyone on all of this for the first date, but it's important to pay attention to. Now listen, if someone didn't ask you anything, they showed no interest, they appeared self-centered, they did some other toxic toxic things. Trust your gut on that. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So you're ready to date. The time has come. That's fantastic. But are you feeling a little rusty on flirting? How about making the first move? And real talk, how is your dating app profile? Well, today's show is your dating primer 101 so you can walk into every date knowing exactly what you want, whether it's a long-term partner or just for the night hookup, which is totally cool. I'm talking about how to meet people, how to make your conversations a little bit sexier, how to take your best dating app pics, and what people are looking for when they're on a date. Plus, I answer your questions like how to feel more confident saying yes to dates, how to express your intentions around sex, and when to bring sex toys into the bedroom, and so much more on this episode. My intentions with Emily Morse for each episode— I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I do it, and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? My intention is to meet you where you're at, get you back out there, make sure that you're the most successful daters you can be. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, 15 Types of Sexuality and Attraction to Help You Understand Your Desire Style, is up at sexwithemily.com. And check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, just call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX, or 559-825-5739. Just leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily. Oh, always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. I've got some awesome questions from you all on sex and dating, but before we get into it, I just want to share some really interesting recent research on dating trends. So over COVID, turns out a lot of us evolved our thinking around partnerships, around pleasure and sex. And I think these findings might help you as you get back into the dating scene. Check these stats out from Match, who recently released these results on their dating survey. And they do this every year, and I always find them very comprehensive and informative. So check this out. 2 in 3 singles want to wait until the 3rd date to have sex. I think that's always been pretty common, that 3-date rule. And just so you know, I don't have rules about it, but I always think that it's a little bit better to get to know somebody. If you really want to have sex with them on the first date, you could make out with them, you could fool around with them, and maybe see if you actually see them again. If you look forward to seeing them again, then maybe you'd want to have sex. But again, Do you? 65% of singles want their dating partners to be vaccinated. 27% of singles want a friends with benefits or casual sex relationship. I definitely have seen these numbers increase in recent years that people are just saying, you know what, I am not looking for monogamy right now. I'm working on myself, I'm working on my professional life, but I just want to have some casual sex right now, and that's okay. So I love to hear that there's 27% of singles are actually saying that that's what they want. Oh, and I just did a friends with benefits episode a few weeks ago, and if you want to check that out, if that's something that's interesting to you, that you're trying to get into a more casual relationship, because again, it's definitely on the rise. So here's some other stats from Bumble's 2022 dating survey. So this is interesting. 48% of people on the app now question what their type is. So I'm wondering if this just means that a lot of us had time to spend alone and to really think about what might've been important to us before the pandemic and what's important to us now. I think it's interesting to think about type. If I have to look over my partners in the past, I think that there's some commonalities, but usually it's about their character. Like I date people who are kind, I date people who are smart, I date people who are, you know, make me laugh, who have good values. So I think sometimes we get really, really specific, like this is my type and that's not my type, when I think you might surprise yourself if you loosen up a little bit on what your type is and go on like, how does this person make me feel? Are they treating me the way I wanna be treated? How do they treat the people around them? I think that's really important to look at how people treat their mom, how they treat the waitstaff, how they treat their siblings. Right? That says a lot. So again, my type is kind. 34% of folks on the app say they're more likely to go on a dry date, which means alcohol-free date. They're saying that more now than they were pre-COVID. I say yes, you guys. I think that it's great to go on a dry date. I mean, come on. I could have 3 drinks on a date and have fun with pretty much anybody. Because when you drink, your inhibitions go down, you're not really making as many clear choices. So try to at least monitor how much you're drinking on a first date. And ideally you don't wanna get wasted. You wanna remember what's happening. So also remember the first date is time that you're putting out there to decide if you like somebody. So you might as well have your faculties about you. So I like that people are changing this up a bit. And finally, this is from a Hinge survey. Okay, this should be my headline. This is literally the best thing I've heard lately. I'm so happy to hear this. Ready? 91% of users want to date someone who goes to therapy, and 89% of daters are more likely to agree to a second date if the person mentions therapy on the first date. You guys, this is great news. This is great news because you know how I feel about therapy. I believe that therapy will benefit all of us. We all need therapy like we all need to go to the dentist. We all need to go to a primary care doctor. Hopefully we all have doctors that we see maybe once a year. It is the same exact thing for your mental health, your brain health. So important to go see therapy. I've always thought that was really hot and I made a decision about 10 years ago that I would not date anyone who hasn't gone to therapy. What I'm seeing from all these stats that I just read is that there's more awareness now about what we want and what we're looking for in partners. What I also like is that we're not afraid to say things that people used to not want to say at all. Like, we're not afraid to say, hey, I'm just looking for casual sex, thanks. Or I really want to date someone who goes to therapy. You know, I think that we're just getting really specific because if you're not specific about it, you're just going to keep dating a lot of the same people doing the same things and years go by. So the more you can sort of hone in on the kind of people you want to date and what's interesting to you, you'll be a more successful dater and get to find that person or people that, that are the right partners for you. I think we all need to get to know what we want and then express it openly when we're looking for potential partners. Because again, you could just keep dating and dating and look up, 10 years go by and you're like, I've been dating these jerks or these people who don't want to commit or people who lie to me. You know, we all have patterns. So again, that's— therapy is also great for picking out these patterns. So all that being said, much of the old rules still apply when it comes to dating though. So let's just dive into some tips before I get into your emails. So number one question I get asked a lot is, well, how do you meet people? And honestly, I gotta say here, do the things that you love doing. Find what you're passionate about. Live your life following that passion. Go to the places where you are in your joy. If you like hiking, you like yoga, bookstores, cooking classes, sports, people are gonna see you doing something that you love doing. You're in your element, you're excited about it, you're passionate about it, and that is so attractive. There's literally nothing more attractive than somebody in their element doing what they love doing. And so guess who else is gonna show up to a cooking class? Someone else who wants to learn to cook or who likes to cook. So you've already got some things out of the way. You have one thing in common. Let's talk about the apps for a minute, 'cause let's be honest, people are dating on the apps. There's studies that came out up until social media and dating apps. The number one way we met people was through our friends or through close proximity, work. You went to the gym together. But now the top way that you're going to meet somebody is through apps. So if you have concern about it or you still think there's a weird stigma about it, I hear people all the time saying, I really want to meet someone. I don't want to be single anymore. But I won't do the apps. And I'm thinking, why? Like, why won't you do the apps? You can find an app that works for you. I just wanna say that that stigma around dating apps is no longer warranted. It was never warranted, to be honest. It kind of reminds me of people who say they want to get in shape or they wanna lose weight, but they won't exercise. They're just gonna eat less or eat healthy. But why wouldn't you exercise if it's proven that it's gonna help you feel better, it helps your mood, it'll help you lose weight. You know what I mean? So I feel like if you really wanna meet someone, if you're like, I am dying to meet someone, I've been single for a while, then just try the dating apps out and see how it goes. Because then you can't tell me that you've done everything to meet someone if you haven't tried out the apps. But let's get specific on the dating apps here. We've got some picture tips from photographers who specialize in photos for dating apps. 'Cause listen, you are marketing yourself. So this matters. So here's some dos. Do be yourself in photos. Think a relaxed, open smile, because relatable beats out contrived, trying to be sexy every time, making the duck lips. You really just want to be yourself. Do take photos from the waist up, not just selfies. It's flattering and shows off more of you than only a face pic. Do— get this one— incorporate furniture into your photos, which adds structure to the picture. So you're not just floating out there. It actually gives you some structure, some context. Don't pose indoors with sunglasses on. Please take off the sunglasses. We wanna see your eyes. We do. If you're on a dating app, I wanna like look into your soul. I gotta see your eyes. Maybe sunglasses on doesn't help me. Don't post only selfies and don't lead with a group photo where it's hard to pick you out. Don't make us do extra work. So those are all mistakes that turn off dating app users, okay? Be honest about your intentions. So now you're on an actual date, whether you've met them on an app or out in the world somewhere. What are your intentions? Please know that it's okay to be looking for something with emotional depth and staying power, to be looking for a long-term relationship, a commitment, to be looking for love. That's all okay. It's also equally okay to be looking for casual sex or hookups. Both are cool as long as you are clear with your intentions and you know what you're looking for. So please do your future date the courtesy of bringing up your intentions before you meet up so everyone walks in with aligned expectations. That's important. Let them know. Don't wait to the third or fourth date to say, I'm not looking for a partner, you know, or I'm just looking to hook up. If we're all a lot clearer about our intentions and what we want, we're way more likely to find that person a lot quicker than sort of holding back and not saying anything for fear of being judged. You know, those days are over. So in 2022, clearly we're not playing games when it comes to relationships, but we are playing games about our relationships. There's all these great card decks out there that you can bring on a date and say like, hey, I've got some questions, like let's get to know each other. So it allows you to unlock a deeper level of conversation early in your relationship without having to feel weird about asking questions. Esther Perel has a great card game, Where Do We Begin? There's one from We're Not Really Strangers. Gottman's has a great digital card deck that you can just have. It's an app, the Gottman Institute. It's called Gottman, G-O-T-T-M-A-N, Card Decks. And what I love about this is like, here's open-ended questions like you could ask on a date. How have you changed in the last year? Have your goals in life changed recently? What are some of your dreams a year from now? What is one way you'd like to change? You know what I mean? And these are just like fun, and some of them are a little bit sexier, but you'll really get to know the person that you're with. The other fun thing is some of them are made specifically for dating. So if you want to know about your partner's dating history, their first impression of you, or their plans for the future, you just pick a card and prepare to go deep. So find the card game that works for you. There's a lot of them out there. So another thing is on the date, during conversation, look for things that you have in common. This is just if you're meeting someone out at a party too, or you're meeting someone for work, if you're out in like a business lunch, find the things that you have in common and build on that. Oh, you're into yoga? Me too. What got you into it? What kind of yoga do you do? You don't have to come with a bunch of topics already prepared. Just find the commonality, which is why I thought, again, like we mentioned earlier, that if you already share something, so if you meet someone during a class or a hiking group, then you already know you have that in common. Okay. Finally, you want to pay attention to how they respond to you. Is this person of interest, are they relational to you? Are they self-centered? Do they listen? Do they ask more questions? When you answer questions, do they immediately turn into talking about themselves, or can they stay on you and what you're saying for a period of time? Now, I want to also say, on the first date, sometimes I found that people are a little bit more nervous. They ramble a little bit more. And if you're nervous, you might just talk about yourself. You might not be able to listen as clearly. So that's why I always think, if the first date went well enough, you might as well go on a second date. So I wouldn't judge anyone on all of this for the first date, but it's important to pay attention to them. Now listen, if someone didn't ask you anything, they showed no interest, they appeared self-centered, they did some other toxic things, trust your gut on that. If you didn't feel good after the date, like you left a date and you had this bad feeling in your stomach, you kept thinking about some things they said, it made you feel worse than when the date started, do not go on a second date with those people. All right. All right, everyone, let's get into your questions. We got some great ones. This is from Myra, 26, in Ontario. Hey, Dr. Emily, I absolutely love your podcast and I listen to it every chance I get. I'm not sure if you touched on this topic before, so I thought I'd write in. I'm 26 years old and I've been single for 3 years. I was in a serious relationship between 18 and 23. Well, about as serious as you can get at that age. During the first year and a half of us being broken up, I was fairly active in dating. However, those few situations didn't work out and left me hurt. Since then, I've developed this wall to avoid getting hurt again. Through that, I've had my fair share of hookups, but at this point, I'm ready for a relationship. The issue is, between my fear of getting hurt and my past habits, I found it hard to get away from this detached sex I've been having and really open up to get to know people. My question is, how do I move forward to really be prepared to date and be willing to meet people and let them in. I find if I swipe right and match with people, by the time we get to the point where we're planning a date, I get scared and back out. Thank you so much, Emily Morse, sending my love. Hey, Myra, much love to you back. And I think that you really sound like you're doing a lot of work on yourself and you are evolving and you're really paying attention to where you're at. And it's not always easy to get out there and date. Especially after the last few years we've all had. It's, it's harder to get out of our homes and to put the effort out there to get away from what we're comfortable with, which might be like a few friends or even being alone right now. I love that you're so self-aware. So the first thing I would say is like, take the pressure off yourself and maybe you could say, I'm actually going to work on myself and my anxiety and the worry I have right now and not feel like you have to get out there. I mean, you dated for 5 years with somebody in a relationship, and I get that you've been single, but even while you've been single, it sounds like you've been swiping or it's been casual, but now you're ready to meet someone. One of the best things I ever did was I took dating and relationships off the table for about 6 months. I realized that I wasn't actually even in the place to do it, and I worked on therapy and I worked on my friendships and I worked on getting my home together, and I just— there was other things I focused on, and there was this huge relief. It's almost like Selim and Tal giving you like a 6-month hiatus from work. If you think of all the pressure we spend thinking that we need to be in a relationship. So I feel like that there is sort of a cycle that you're in. So see if that helps you. Right now, I want you to think about what are the messages that you're telling yourself that like, what could happen if you get into a relationship? I think that in working on this wall that you had to go back to what you're saying, since then you've developed this wall to avoid getting hurt again. I'm wondering what your process is for really letting this wall down. And that wall might have started to be up after your 5-year relationship, and which is a really significant time to be in a relationship. It's probably your first serious relationship and a lot gets formed in those years. So I'm wondering if there's any kind of therapy here or deeper work you can do on yourself to see what are these patterns like, not just that you know the wall's up, but where did the wall come from and how do we tear that wall down and rebuild it with self-compassion, self-confidence, clarity, and what you actually want in a partner and what you don't want in a partner. I think that there's a lot to be said to have that sort of intentionality around dating rather than just swiping for you. What are the traits that are important to you to make you feel safe with someone and make you feel loved? What didn't work for you in the past? That's what I'm hearing, that right now it might be some things that you could work on is this self-work, because I don't think you're going to problem finding a partner. I think it's more you finding time to figure out, you know, what is it, what is it you want, working on the negative, maybe some of the negative self-talk you have around this and then getting back out there. Now, this might not work for you. You might be like, no, Emily, I just want to get back out there and date, which I understand. So the other thing I would say is be honest with people. Once you get out there, say to them, you know, it's been a while. I'm a little rusty. I'm excited to be dating. I was taking some time off or just being clear about what you want. And what you're looking for. I'm telling you, if anything that we're seeing in these stats and everyone wants someone who went to therapy, we want people who are more evolved. We don't wanna mess around with people who aren't right for us. There's no playing games. They often say that on your first few dates you bring your representative. Like we all show up as like the best versions of ourself. I say, let's just not, like, let's just show up who we are, where we are, our most authentic versions of ourself. Cuz you might find that if you're really honest about where you're at, that you'll find someone who's like, oh yeah, I feel the same way. All right, it's kind of a relationship. And then the people who judge you or make you feel bad about that might not be your person for where you're at at this time in your life. So I think the more you can bring this Myra into your life right now, the better. And it'll be, help you kind of get to know where you're at and move through this cycle where you're at. So thanks Myra for your question. I really appreciate you and keep me posted and let me know how it goes. This is from Desiree, 25, in Wyoming. Hey, Dr. Emily, it's me back with the need for more advice. So my sex drive is high, very high, and I'm kinky in bed. Well, right now I travel for work and I'm not looking for anything other than hookups. If something more happens, that's great, but not my intention. How do I go about telling a guy that or making the first move? I feel like guys will judge me if I say it right off the bat. I'm also interested in females, but I don't know how to go about it. All right, Desiree, I love that you know exactly where you're at right now. I think it's amazing. I think, wish that we could all kind of develop such grounding around our intentions for dating. If we actually knew what we wanted, it would save us so much time, so much heartache, and a lot of failed relationships. So just know that everyone's coming from different places. Everyone has different intentions. There are some people who want to be casual. You know, there are people that are looking for a real relationship, people who just want to hook up. So you're totally not alone here. And my best advice for you is to be honest from the beginning, because then you're going to find the people who are like, oh yeah, I could be down with that, or thank you for being so honest. It's so refreshing. Like, I can't tell you how refreshing it is when somebody is clear and concise and they tell you what they want. I've dated people before in the past and Some people have been like, oh, I'm looking for an open relationship, or I'm actually not looking for anything, because then you know exactly where you stand. And I think also the more you practice actually showing up with who you are and where you're at, you're going to find this to be a lot easier because this is also a new language for you. So I think saying this is where I'm at, this is what I'm looking for. If you're on the dating apps, being really clear. Looking for fun, looking for a casual hookup, not looking for a relationship. And then you bring it up again. You say, I want to make sure that you read my profile, that you understand this is what I'm looking for. And the other thing that might be interesting to do here, Desiree, is to kind of show them what that looks like. Like, what does it look like? Are you looking to see someone 3 days a week, once a month? Do you want to do overnights? Do you want sleepovers? Do you want someone to travel with? You know, what are you really into? Like, have you done this work to think about what it looks like? Because sometimes we say we want something and in actuality we do not execute it. So the more you— the more information you can give to prospective partners and say, I'm thinking it's once a week on the weekends, we go to dinner, I love live music, and then we sleep over. Or it might be like, I never want sleepovers. I just really love to hook up. And here's what I'm into sexually. That's where I encourage you, Desiree, to kind of maybe do the yes, no, maybe list with these people. And then you get a bevy of people that you're sleeping with. You get like a few people in different You're traveling around right now and you're kinky. Like, let's put it all out there, Desiree, cuz you will find that you're gonna find your people a lot quicker. And who cares if people judge you? I'm gonna tell you that people probably will judge you. They won't understand. They might be hurt. They might— it makes them feel safe to judge you, right? It makes them feel like, oh, this woman's out there wanting her own thing. But I'm telling you that it doesn't really matter what other people think. In this case, you're being you. And it's gonna give you confidence to go out there and really get what you want. So I would write this all out. I would practice your messaging, practice what you want, think more about it really, cuz maybe you haven't really thought about what this looks like. And the more you can paint this picture to someone else that you meet, the more likely you are to get what you want. And we all should get what we want, right? And I think we can get what we want if we get clearer about our intentions, about what we're looking for, and being able to communicate that. That's a key thing here. That is communicating it, not sugarcoating it, not kind of saying parts of it, but really just saying, this is what I want and this is what it looks like. And sure, yeah, maybe a lot of you won't be into it, but you don't need a lot of people. You need one person right now. You need two people right now to hook up with, but you don't need everybody to be on this plan. That would be exhausting. So let's get you out there finding your people. And if you're looking to date females, it's kind of the same thing as dating however you're finding guys. If it's an app, let them know you're looking for that. If you're out in the world, start talking to women, flirting with women, finding people that you're interested in, that you're attracted to. Go places where a lot of women meet up. If there's any parties, you know, gay parties, lesbian parties, you can kind of look in that as well. There's meetups, there's ways to find out what's going on in all the cities where you're traveling. It's not necessarily a new skill set. As far as dating women or men. It's more like you being comfortable getting to know someone of any gender and then seeing if you can kind of move that into a more sexual place. Thank you so much, Esme, for your email. And I just, I feel good about this. I know you're gonna get what you need. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, but don't go anywhere. Afterward from our sponsors, I will be answering more of your emails.

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Paid for by Virginians for Fair Elections. How many discounts does USAA Auto Insurance offer? Too many to say here. Multi-vehicle discount, safe driver discount, new vehicle discount, storage discount, legacy— How many discounts will you stack up? Tap the banner or visit usaa.com/autodiscounts. Restrictions apply. This is from Chris, 29, in New York City. Hey, Dr. Emily, love the show. I feel like I'm at a weird point in my life. My last official relationship ended in 2014 and lasted 5 and a half years. My ex and I kept sleeping together about every 6 months, which didn't help moving on for about 2 years until we cut it off entirely. Since then, I went on some dates here and there that never went far. And with COVID I started friends with benefits with someone I've been friends with for a decade. I warned her that I get attached easily and she just wants FWB that she can hang out with and get laid. We discussed the possibility of dating, but ultimately she doesn't want that and I do. So we're continuing the FWB for now. I need to move on, especially as a relationship-oriented person. I've been struggling to remove myself enough from the FWB to make myself present enough to date. Should I cut off the benefits to help myself focus more on the potential dates ahead? I already have a hard time enough with the fact that I haven't been in a relationship for 7 years, but on top of that, Having a decent FWB and being fairly introverted, I find it hard to get myself out there. I guess you could say I'm comfortable yet unhappy with my situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. All right, thank you so much for your email, Chris. I totally get it. It's comfortable enough with this friends with benefits. You like it, you're getting the sex, but you are craving a relationship. And I have to say, you know what to do here. I do think it's really hard to be in any kind of relationship with someone where it's intimate and sexual and find what you're actually looking for. Now it happens. It does happen. People are in committed relationships all the time and they find someone else. But for you, it sounds like being really focused on going after what you want would be helpful because this is a diversion. It's comfortable enough. It doesn't sound like this FWB is going anywhere either. But I think, you know, if you wanted to end it for a while and see what happens, I think you could probably go back to it. But to get that clarity and actually live in the space where you're really craving a relationship and you're craving the intimacy in a sexual relationship will put you in a good headspace to attract that into your life. Because remember, every time we spend time with somebody intimately or in a relationship or sleeping with our ex, it's taking away the time that someone else can actually come in and be part of our lives and we get a more meaningful relationship with. It just does. Like, You know, they often say when one door closes, another one opens. Well, you've got a door open here and it's hard for someone else to come in right now. I think to get your head fully in the game of dating and finding a relationship, that it's important for you to be intentional out there and to be focused on it and to perhaps end this relationship or cut down the time that you see this person. And you've even said that it's content enough, but it's affecting your ability to stay present and find a relationship that's fulfilling you. So it doesn't sound like you, need the consistent sex right now because that's what you'll find in a relationship. So if you want to be in a committed relationship than a situationship, you have expressed this to your partner and I feel like you need to break it off and go out there and find the person who wants exactly what you want because it's time and you deserve it. And I know you're going to find it once you put all of your actions towards that goal. That's how anything happens in life. You have to redirect towards our singular goal if we have one. And it sounds like you have one, which I love, because a lot of us aren't sure. Some of us are like dating. We're like, maybe I want casual, maybe I want FWB, maybe I want hookups. You know what you want, and I love that about you, Chris. So please go after that. Do everything you can to support your intentions and your motivation and your goal. Thank you, Chris, for your email. This is from Izzy, 20, in San Diego. Hi, Dr. Emily. I wanted your thoughts on using toys with casual sex. Is using a vibrator or sex toy the first time you hook up too much? Are there relationship levels in sex toys? I'm very lost in this new side of sex. I love this question, Izzy, because I would love to change this sensibility around toys that you have to wait till you're committed and you can't use toys in certain times and it should always be this special thing that you're bringing in. And I absolutely think that, you know, this special part of the relationship, like date 3, now bring in the toy, or 6 months in, let's talk about toys. It's a part of you, Izzy. It is a part of who you are sexually. Just like talking about if you like dirty talk or you like long makeouts or you want sex toys. These are all things we want to talk about with casual sex. So I think it will elevate your sex life for the better. Some people might not be sex positive and they might not be into it, but you guys, this is what I want to encourage everybody. You all can make change in this world. So, yes, people are not going to be ready for sex toys. They're not going to be ready for you wanting more casual sex. Not you, per se, Izzy, but everyone listening. The world has not caught up yet with this Sex with Emily sensibility. It's true. But it starts with you saying, like, here's my toy. This is what I use for sex. I always want lube. I always love this toy. And honestly, toys feel great on penises as well. I can't emphasize it enough that to show them, like, look at this really cool toy that I use and you turn it on and it's in your hand and then you take it and you put it over their penis on a lower setting or their shaft. You could use it while you're going down on a guy. You know, you could show them how you use it on yourself. I think a lot of the fear around toys is that it's really phallic. We're afraid it's going to replace us. You know, I think that there's a lot of penis owners who think that these toys are like, looks like their penis, but really it's some extra vibration that we need on our clitoris or our labia to have orgasms. And maybe you do have one that's shaped like a penis. That's fine too. I'm just saying that the perception of toys and the belief around toys that it's some like major, like, oh my God, that's a toy. And then when you like, show them a toy that's like a little vibrator that fits in your hand, most guys are going to be like, cool, bring it along. Let's do it. It enhances the sexual situation. It takes a lot of pressure off them trying to make you orgasm. You could show them how you use it, demonstrate. You could do some mutual masturbation where they're masturbating and you're masturbating, showing them how to use it. But I think that absolutely be the change you want to see in the world, bring the toy in and see how it goes. Let 'em know like, hey, look at this really cool thing I have by my nightstand. Look at this fun toy. And once you start showing them, the right partner, and I'm hoping this is most of the partners, are gonna be like, bring it. Let's bring it every time. Let's do it. Thanks for sharing that with me. That's my mission. I hope you all will choose to accept it. Bring your toys out there into the world. Throw it in your purse. I have a friend who threw her magic wand in her purse every time she went on a date. The magic wand is a very large external vibrator, and she was like, why am I going to mess around? I know that this is what I want. This is what I need, and I'm going to do it. And she has still to this day plenty of dates, plenty of sex, and a very much thriving sexual life and intimate life. Also, I've got a great vibrator necklace. It is the Crave Vesper. And it is a little vibrator that I always wear around my neck. That's such a fun toy to use. You always have it on. It's really fun to tease your partner with, tease yourself with, and you're like, look at this. I know you thought it was a necklace, but it's actually a vibrator. It's a special limited edition. SexwithEmily.com/crave. Check it out. It comes in silver, rose gold, and gold, and then 3 limited edition phrases. Turn me on, meditate, masturbate, manifest, or I come first. God, I don't talk about those enough, you guys. Check out the Crave Vesper if you don't have one. You will love it. This is from Jules, 31, in Iowa. Hey, Dr. Emily, my name is Jules and my pronouns are he/him. I've started dating again after ending a 5-year relationship about a year and a half ago. During this time, I got a therapist to help overcome my last relationship and to work on myself. Now here I am, ready to take a shot at dating. I decided to try the dating app Hinge to meet new people. Last week I started talking to a girl, 29, and we seemed to share a lot of interest. We recently shared what we both wanted in a relationship, and on paper we seem to fit well, but our conversation stopped after I shared this. Maybe she's waiting for me to make a move or lost interest, or I'm reading into it too much. I don't know. I'm excited about this girl but not sure what to say now or how to take this off the app to meet in person or virtual chat if she prefers. We've texted on the app for 4 to 5 days. Is that enough to move things forward? I feel ready but understand that she may not, and I don't want to rush or come off too strong, especially when dating online is new to me and we're both technically strangers to each other. Thanks for reading. I enjoy your show. All right, thanks Jules. This is a practice here. I gotta tell you, I would just follow up again and say, hey, looks like we want the same things. Let's to meet up. I think that definitely after 4 to 5 days, it is time to meet up. In fact, I would say if you've been chatting for a week, have a plan by the time you get to day 7. You will never get that time back from like texting and the back and forth and all the things that like— you just go out and meet someone because someone can be a great texter, you can have a great connection online, but until you meet them in person, you will not know. So I wouldn't read into the fact that it's stopped. What does it mean it stopped? That you sent a message on the app and she didn't respond? Sometimes you got to follow up again. When I was on dating apps for a while, I always like would be texting with someone one day or a few days, and then I got busy with something else— not necessarily even another guy, just in my life— and I wouldn't check the app out. And then people like, hey, what happened? I was like, oh yeah, I like that guy. Like, you don't know, maybe she's chatting with a few guys right now. Assume that she is. In fact, assume that everybody you're dating on the apps are also chatting with other people. You're not the only one. So sorry for that harsh reality, Jules, but you said you're new to the apps. Assume that there's a lot going on. And I believe that the people that are the most assertive— you, i.e., you here— and you say, hey, let's get together, I'd love to meet you in person, let's grab a drink, let's go to dinner, maybe there's tickets to a show, you know, think about what you want to do and what you'd want to do with her. Maybe she shared something in the in the banter the last 4 or 5 days about what you both want to do. But I would just follow up again and just know that you might not hear from again, and that's okay. Just keep going, keep texting. Even learning how to message people on app is kind of an art, and you get your own, and you'll figure it out, meaning it's practice. So maybe at first it's a little bit awkward, but it sounds like you're doing well, so that's not even the problem. Just knowing that it's like, okay, for you to move forward and ask for a date and ask for a plan And if you don't hear from her, it's fine. Keep moving. Okay. Thank you so much for your question. I really appreciate it, Jules. You got this. This is from Liz, 35, in Kansas. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm 35 and I've never been in a relationship. I've only ever kissed one guy. Therapy's helped me work through trust issues and I want to start dating, but I don't know how to answer the questions. When was your last relationship? Or how long was your longest relationship? Any advice how I might approach these kind of questions? Thanks. All right, Liz, thank you for your question. I appreciate it. And I think being honest and saying, you know, I've had a lot of different kinds of relationships, can't wait to tell you about it when we meet up, or if you're actually meeting someone in person, to share who you really are on this journey you've been on. I don't know, Liz, I love that you're in therapy, and I think you got to be honest. I think you should say that I've had different kinds of relationships, or I haven't had a real relationship, or I haven't had the kind of relationship that I'm looking for. I am looking for a different kind of relationship right now. I've done a lot of work on myself. I can't wait to share that information with you. I can't wait to tell you about it. I just think you answer it honestly, and they'll probably be intrigued by it, and you get to share who you really are. And get to share what you're going through and the trust issues that you've had and your background and your history, because eventually people are going to know anyway, right? So I just want you to remember that there's nothing wrong with you. There's lots of people who have been in relationships at all ages. I hear people all the time. So I'd love you to be able to normalize your situation and normalize who you are and where you're at. And I think that you're going to find that this is going to open up to some really incredible intimate conversation and some really incredible people in your life who are like, great, let's do it, let's— let me find out more about you, that's fascinating, you know, like, how interesting. Because remember, a lot of people have been in relationships, but the people you're meeting are no longer in relationships, they're dating. So they've probably got some stories, and they can learn a lot from maybe not being in a relationship. You've had a relationship with yourself the last 35 years, and where have you been spending your time? What have you been doing in your life? And I just think that you'll find people that you know, that this stuff doesn't really matter. You know, like when I graduated from college, I thought it meant so much, like where I went to school and what my degree was in. And I came to find out, like, it doesn't really matter. You just sort of— you go out there and you meet your people, and jobs come up and situations come up, and it's more about your life experience than it is any one thing that you think defines you. And I don't think that you— the fact that you've been in relationships or not been in relationships defines who you are right now, Liz, at 35 years old. Okay, so start practicing being honest about it and putting yourself out there. All right, Liz, and I think you're gonna feel like that the support you get, the people that you find, are gonna give you a lot more confidence to continue being you. Thanks, Liz. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 5-5-9-TALK-SEX. That's 5-5-9-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.