How to Fix Your F*cking Mistakes with Gigi Engle

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The easiest way to control women is through sexuality. Through slut shaming, through sexual shame, through shaming masturbation, through making us seem like if we stand up for ourselves, that we're off putting and like you won't use, you know, like that old. I don't know if like my, my grandmother even says, but it'd be like, oh, you'll never get a man with that mouth, that kind of thing, right? And like if you are somebody who stands up for yourself, who has your own opinions and like, and honestly, like, this is, I say this a million times, like I don't give a fuck. And it's like you can like take it or leave it. And if you're not, and if you are scared, like, not, you're scary to men when you're like that because they have no control and they are scared shitless of a woman who's gonna be like, no, I'm not taking my shit from you.

Right, exactly.

That's why I love the way you lay it down.

Because you're like. And guess what? If you tell a guy that this is the person you're with, that this is what you need and they don't want to, why do you give a fuck? And it's just, I just love it. Because you're like, yeah, why do you. Why have I cared for so goddamn long.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show.

I'm joined by sex educator and writer Gigi Engel to talk about her book all the Effing Mistakes and how you can feel comfortable being the amazing sexual being you are. Right now is the best time to have a solo sexual awakening, don't you think? Or if you and your partner are healthy to keep the bedroom spark alive. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include ways to get past the shame and stigma around sex that society friends and family may have put on you. Awesome sexting tips that will have you tingling in your fingertips. What to do when your partner's constant rejection is actually messing with your self love moments. And is regaining trust possible? It is, but it's not a one man job. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

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He thinks you're kind of cute.

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Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

Well, you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com find all of our social media is Sex with Emily across the board. Alright, Intentions with Emily. So for each show, I start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. So what I mean is, when you're listening, like what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? What attracted you to this episode? How could it help you? It could be, I've always felt that as a woman I couldn't express my sexuality. And I want some tools how to get past that. Or maybe it's I want to get a better understanding of why my partner doesn't feel comfortable with sex and gain any insight. Well, my intention to show anyone out there feels like they might have some shame around sex or trying to just be more comfortable with sex overall, that you're not alone and you can turn any negative message you have into something positive. All right, guys, enjoy the show.

I'm super excited, you guys. My guest, Gigi Engel, her book is all the effing mistakes, A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. Gigi's award winning feminist author, certified sex coach, sexologist, sex educator. We're frequently in the same circles in the the articles. And you're also love the womanizer. Been a sexpert for them. Gigi, how have we never even talked? We, like, tweet.

I'm so excited right now.

I'm so excited. Gigi.

I'm so excited because, like, first off, like, I think it was during our show. We were doing the show live, and you, like, tweeted, like, if I could be on your show, I'm like, oh, my God, I would love to be on your show. And then here you are.

It took a lot of courage for me to even do that. I was like, you think she knows who I am?

Why? Oh, my God.

Well, Gigi, I love your book. I read it in an oxygen chamber last night. I talked about it earlier in the show, but I've been doing this whole, like, oxygen thing. Don't ask, but helping my brain. And I was super focused.

That's the perfect way to. To absorb my book.

I loved it. And then I wanted to start. I was super inspired. I was like, I want to start sexting everyone, and I want to start, like, doing things. I web. It reminded me of a lot of things. And I gotta say, first off, it's such. I love. I love your writing style. I love the way you are also breaking down, like, so, so many stigmas. And it is kind of like, you kind of joked out the book that, like, I'm your aunt Gigi. I'm your big sister. And I feel like you really do a great job of this in your book, walking through all this stuff.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I appreciated also. I was reading it and it was like that I was quoted in it, which I didn't even know. So thank you for that.

Of course. I mean, I've honestly idolized you forever. So.

Gigi, that's.

Of course you would be in there.

Oh, Gigi, I'm so honored. And I'm so. I think your book is awesome. All the fucking mistakes. So can we just talk about you for a second? I love the way, like, you lay out all the stigmas about, like, different ways to, like, touch yourself, which, you know, we talk a lot about, like, masturbation here and why it's important. I love your whole, like, I don't give a fuck, like, you've got a clitoris, no one tells you about it. Let's talk about like the tutorials for women, like why they need to touch themselves, why masturbation is important.

Yeah, I mean I think masturbation is one of the most, it's one of the biggest questions that I get from readers and from clients is like the shame they have around masturbation. Not understanding their own anatomy, not knowing how to talk to their partner about what they. And I find that masturbation is really like the core of every.

Female body, person and woman's confidence is like really understanding your own body, knowing what you like, knowing what gives you an orgasm or what brings you pleasure. Because as soon as you have the tools to like show a partner how you want to be touched or you yourself know how to give yourself an orgasm and don't rely on anyone else, you can pretty much just like take on the entire frickin world. Because like nobody is going to control that aspect of you.

Right.

And I find that a lot of like the shame that women have around masturbation is, is very faith and patriarchal roots and the fact that like female sexuality is something that scares the shit out of men. And so as long as we can try to, as long as they can try to control it and try to tell you that like you need a man to make you happy or you need a man to make you satisfied, then you're controlled. But as soon as you break those barriers and you get yourself sex toys and you start loving on your body and understanding that you're just like incredible vibrant woman full of pleasure potential, like the sky's the limit for you.

Absolutely.

I love that you start off saying like, yeah, nasty woman, like I'm going to take that back.

Like let's get nasty.

So why are sexually liberated women, why.

Are we so scary?

We're scary because there really is no control. I mean the, the easiest way to control women is through sexuality, through slut shaming, through sexual shame, through shaming masturbation, through making us seem like if we stand up for ourselves that we're off putting and like you won't, you know, like that old. I don't like my, my grandmother even say this, but it'd be like, oh, you'll never get a man with that mouth, that kind of thing, right? And like if you are somebody who stands up for yourself, who has your own opinions and like, and honestly like this is, I say this a million times like I don't give a fuck. And it's like you can like Take it or leave it. And if you're not. And if you are scared, like, not. You're scary to men when you're like that because they have no control and they are scared shitless of a woman who's going to be like, no, I'm not taking my shit from you.

Right, exactly.

Well, that's why I love the way you lay it down. Because you're like.

And guess what? If you tell a guy that this is the person you're with, that this is what you need, and they don't want to. Why do you give a fuck? And it's just. I just love it because you're like, yeah, why do you. Why do. Why have I cared for so goddamn long? It's about my pleasure.

That's where the whole idea for the book came from.

Tell me everything.

Like, women being like readers and women coming to me being like, I mean, like, I don't know how to talk to my partner about this or like, my partner doesn't want to do that. Or they get upset when I masturbate after sex, which is like, lol. Who's gonna tell them?

It's like, are they get, like, really, like, anxious about how to have. About how to own that power? How to. Because it always comes back. Like, not wanting to upset a man, not wanting to, like, hurt anybody's ego, not wanting to be too much or too. In your own body. And it's like, why the fuck are you with somebody who cares about that?

Right, Exactly.

Exactly.

Choose someone who actually. Who actually makes your life better, who wants you to have great sex.

Who.

Who. But we're not told that.

We're told.

Well, it's all about, you know, the man's pleasure. It's all about, you know, they're. What they want them pounding away at you like the jackhammer. All those things. So I love that you break it down. And I was thinking, like, I would love to send this book to all the young women I know. Like, I think it really. Parents are always calling in and just every young women are listening to, like, I think this is the book. I feel like this is a book for people to share with their daughters, their friends, you know who I mean, our listeners. All the fucking mistakes. A Guide to Sex, Love and Life. You guys can find it in our show notes. But Gigi Engel, I just think that it is so well done because if people. You just drive it home and that. You're right. I mean, I'm sure after writing about sex, you wrote for so many people, you Know all the magazines, all the publications, Cosmo, Marie Claire, Elle magazine, Teen Vogue. You were like, yeah, I've got to get this out because there's the same questions all the time, right?

Yeah. And it's something that's still going on today. I Still going on today, where I still get these exact same questions. And now I'm really exciting to have the book out in the world and I can be like, read my book, get my book. Like, yay. And I've gotten a lot of really amazing emails from mostly from, like, there's women in their 20s and 30s and 40s who have written me emails being like, I've been carrying your book around and I'm obsessed with it. But I've gotten a lot of messages from, like, moms who have bought their books for their teenage daughters or their daughters who are just going to college just wrote. I just got an email like, the other day from this mom who was like, I gave it to my daughter. It's like one of the only sex books where I've been like, oh, my God, she'll actually read this. And I like, hand wrote them a mother, daughter thanks letter. It's like, it's really. I didn't really realize it was going to be such a. I thought it was more going to be kind of like the, like the party girls anthem to having better sex when I was, like, first writing it.

Right.

Okay.

Yeah. Like, as I was like, developing it, I was like, oh, wait, these, like, these lessons are super universal. And more than that, they're like, really, really important for kids in their. In their teens and 20s because, like, they don't have these tools. Like, I may feel like I'm like, I was more like, sexually liberated than most when I was younger because I had, like, this. I had a very liberal family, and my mom and dad are, like, obsessed with everything that I do. And so I, like, I didn't realize until I started doing this work. Mysteriously, the other day, my dad got cornered by, like, this man in a restaurant we live in. He lives in, like, a very conservative rural town in Illinois. And the guy recognized my college sweatshirt that he was wearing. And then he went on a ran about how I'm a sexologist and I wrote a sex book called Effing Mistakes. And he's so proud of me. And, like, you could pick it up at the local bookstore. And he, like, went to the local bookstore and made sure they were selling it. And like, with that, it's like, I thought that, like, you know, by the time people Were my age when I wrote the book, which was like my late 20s, I was like, oh, people, like, already have these lessons.

No.

And then as I. Yeah, no. And I just like, it was like, no. Like, I got certified in sex education, and I started doing a lot of work with, like, couples and with women. And I was like, oh, wait, like, everybody needs this. Like, people don't have this foundation.

Exactly.

Yeah. It was just like, well, that's needed to be said.

I love your dad. I can picture him because I'm from Michigan. Like, my mom tells everyone to have a dating show, right? So she's not, as, you know, now they kind of found out, but that it's sex.

But you're.

That's so awesome. I can see that. And your parents are supporting you, you know, so you never really felt the shame. So you've been really, like, even though you're, you know, you wrote this younger, you've been involved with it throughout your 20s. You were very comfortable with it. You didn't have that shame growing up, because that's what we're trying to deal with, people. Shame, misinformation, taboo trauma. All those things you didn't have that.

You'Re so kind of trying to be like. My mom was really liberal. She had a really conservative Catholic mom, and she had a lot of, like, kind of. There were mixed messages she was giving me because she was very sex positive. But some of those messages from having a conservative mother, like, they seep through, you know, like the you won't buy the cow if the milk is free, stuff like that. Without me, like, understanding that those were sex negative messages. But, like, my whole idea of being a sex educator is to kind of be like that same mode, but like, even more sex positive, which is like, why I'm kind of like your sexy agony aunt.

You really are. I mean, I might niece's aunt, but I'm buying this for my nieces, and I want to tell everybody here that you should buy this for the young women in your life.

I just. I love.

Really, Gigi, that's. I'm so glad that you've been hearing that as well, because I feel like, especially our listeners, because, you know, doing a podcast was a different thing. But then also being on serious the last year, I realized it's reaching so many people around this America and different places that are like, we people don't have these messages. We really don't. Wherever I go in the world, people don't have these messages. So we talked to a lot more parents on here and So I just. I think it was like, such a great. Such a great service, and you do it so well. And you're right. Younger women would read this, but we all need it. That's the thing. Also, you're probably. It's the young women. But then I'm sitting with my friends who are in their 40s and married, and they're like, what's the third hole?

I'm like, really?

You have two kids? She's like, there's three holes, you know, so people are all different levels of their, you know, sex information. So I think it's important. And also, Gigi, I want to talk to you about this. I really loved your kink. Well, I was thinking about this. Someone just called in and he was talking about his. I was like, oh, I wish Gigi was on the phone, because he was talking about. He was. What was his name? James. His haircut? Garrett.

Garrett.

He's 32, and his wife, his fiance wants to cut his hair. And he's like. Like, they're into bdsm. He's kind of into it, but not really into it. And I loved the way, like, if.

You could kind of.

And I was talking about, like, negotiating what you want. And I just love the way you break down kinky. Because so many people don't really understand what that means. And I just think you give a great tools in here for people. How do they negotiate, how they figure out what they want.

Are you kinky?

I am, yeah. I am kinky. I used to be a lot more involved in, like, a kink scene, but, I mean, yeah, I would definitely say me and my husband are pretty kinky. But, yeah, like, breaking it down was kind of like it was coming from this place of, like, people being a lot of my readers and people I worked with being curious about it and kind of thinking it was like that BDSM was very. Because, you know, you. The only people. The only thing people have really to reference in the mainstream is, like, very problematic things. You see in 50 shades of gray, where it's basically glorifying, like, a semi abusive relationship. And then you have, like, the money aspect of it, which just, like, is more confusing.

Of course he has a helicopter.

Yeah, yeah. I don't think. I can't even make a third on that, but I guess, like a whole. I'm grateful it made it, like, more mainstream for people. Started, like, thinking about it. Not so good. When I found out that, like, people on first Tinder dates were choking each other.

Right, Exactly.

I was like, that's Deeply concerning. So, like, my whole breakdown of kink is to kind of be like, like, very, very basic kink for beginners, where it feels like somebody who was like, an actual. Like, I talked to a lot of practitioners in the chapter. It's like, it feels like it can be something that if you were a kinky person, you could learn something. But also, if you're a beginner, you have all of the basic tools that you need to not only do it in a way that's, like, fun and sexy, but also very safe, consensual, and gives you tools actually, like, negotiate how. What you would want to do, what you'd be interested in doing. Like, how to bring it up to a partner, how to negotiate things that might be uncomfortable to one partner. Like, if you want to try thinking and your partner is like, like, I'm not trying to do spanking. Like, you can do sexual bucket lists and swap them and kind of figure out what kind of kinky stuff you'd be interested in. Giving a shot. There's. Kink is not all about pain, and it's not all about, like. And it has nothing to do with wanting to hurt somebody. So, like, the pleasure of, like, causing someone harm.

Right.

And so that's kind of like. It's explaining it as just like. As this, like, way of sexual expression, of playing with dominance and submission, of playing with different power dynamics. Especially now in, like, the new Me Too era. Like, what that means for couples, right?

Yeah, exactly.

And kinky, you know, and that's the thing also, people think, well, I don't want pain, so I'm out. Or it just seems really hard. But really, I mean, what I have.

Found, when I've done, like, kinkier things.

Or role playing or blindfolds and all the things, it just helps you with your focus. It helps you stay connected. That keeps you in the moment, don't you think? Like, it's sort of just an activity. So. Because so many people as you know, are, like, distracted during sex, they're in their heads. Well, if you're actually playing with your. Because I think kink is play, you know, and, you know, haven't you found.

That it's like looking at kink is not being like. It doesn't have any. It doesn't have to have anything to do with thinking or rods or like, or it doesn't have even have to anything have to have anything to do with bondage. Like, what's kinky to you? It could be just like wearing a blindfold and you're Partner is like running a feather tickler over your body. Or you have a glass dildo and you put it in the freezer and use it for temperature play. Like, while you're just playing with each other. That can be. That can be kinky. That can be like, kinky to you. Because I think that's the other big thing about kink and kink roleplay in bdsm. It's like it's going to mean something different for every person.

Right.

Like, you might think that, like French. You might be somebody who thinks that, like, French kissing is kinky.

Exactly.

And that doesn't make it not kinky. Just because somebody else is like, that's not kinky.

Right. Well, I.

That was like. Well, I had to quote myself in your book, but really I was so honored that it was like, kink is whatever out. This is the quote of. In their book. Kink is whatever is outside of your comfort zone. Whatever the comfort zone may be. Yeah. Kink varies from different words of that.

And communication is lubrication.

That's right.

Regurgitating your line.

No, no, I don't mean that. But I'm like, you're so. I just love. Yes, but thank you. I'm like, embarrassing the quote. I didn't even know that I was in your book. And it's funny that you wouldn't even want to reach out.

I think you're.

You're doing such a great service here. And what I also loved is so I know you're in a long. But you've been in a long distance relationship, so you have been really. It sounds like. But for years you've been honing your sexting skills.

Oh, yeah. That is.

My husband and I were in a long distance relationship before he went freelance and then we started living together. But like, before that I was in a long term relationship. And like, I started teaching a sexting workshop because my boyfriend was so awful at it. Because I was like, I had been seeing this guy before I started dating him, and he was like. And he taught me everything that I knew. Like, he was like porn star level texter who was like a tax attorney in real life. Like the most boring job you could possibly think of. And literally the dirtiest guy in the stack ever.

That's amazing, right? Exactly. He's got to let it out somewhere.

And I'm like 21 years old and I'm like, I'm like getting all these crazy sex. And I was like, oh, I like, have to keep up. Because he was like an older man. So I Was like, I have to be cool. So I, like, got really filthy with it, and I, like, realized it was, like, a skill that I was, like, picking up as I was doing it. So then I have this boyfriend who's just like. I would send him, like, the dirtiest sex, and he would send me, like, a thumbs up emoji. And I was like.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, dude, that is the worst. You're, like, dying right now.

See, about, like, you know, like, bending me over well. And he would just write, like, hot with, like, no, no exclamation point. And I would just be like, cool, cool.

Thanks.

I feel really good about that because it is really vulnerable to, like, send the sex. And I love that because you talked about all your friends, you know, coming to you for help about everything. Masturbation. But I love that your friends are like. You're like, hand your phone over to your friends and here's how you sex, sex. But we get a lot of stories.

I talk about in the book.

I love it.

One of my friends, Lauren, who, like, she let me use her name in the book. She, like, like, I'm texting this guy, like, let me, like, let, like, sex him something, because I don't know what to say. And I, like, wrote what I would write to him. And she was like.

Exactly. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, all right.

Then it was just the one about. Yeah, the choking. Your choking.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Choking on a cock thing.

Like, yeah, it's like, it was. And to me, I was just like, that's just a set. And she was like, no, look how far we've come.

We're so different. Exactly.

But I love it when I was like, oh, I'm actually really good at this. I started taking some workshops, and then I started teaching one that was called how to get your sex on without being weird about it. And it's, like, all about, like. And I literally use. Oh, my God. My boyfriend at the time fucking hated this. But I would use screenshots of our sexting conversations where he would send, like, stupid things back. And he was like, don't do that. I'll be like, it's your own fault.

Yeah, this is what not to do. Don't send a thumbs up.

Right?

Yeah. So I'd be like, do not send this.

That is so funny. I mean, because it's an art. And what I also love is that what you really encourage. I think your book is so, like, if we talk about, like, if, you know, we don't want to feel shame, we don't want to feel bad. I love the way you write it because it is so encouraging for women, you know, for anyone reading it, like, it's okay. And it's like, it's okay that you're not good at sexting. Like, it's an art form.

Like, it takes work. You have to work at it.

And I think that's sort of the theme, like, throughout your book. Like, it's okay that you don't know. Know this, but I'm your Auntie Gigi, and we're gonna get down to it. So fuck whatever you've heard, it's all wrong. Let's go.

Exactly. It's basically just like, look, nobody knows what the fuck they're doing. Everybody's just trying to, like, be sexy, but, like. And we think acting like, we all know what we're doing, but really nobody was given a skirt for this. And we're supposed to magically know how to do all the sex, and we don't know shit.

What are we supposed to know?

None of us get it right. And I love it because I really. It was like, a refresher. It's like, I love that you break down to the sex scene, because I get note also. And if anyone has any questions about this, I'm talking to Gigi Engel. Her book is all the Effing Mistakes, A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. And it's also Gigi Ingle on Instagram and twitter and miss ggingle.com you can get this all in our show notes, and that's G, I, G, I, E, N, G, L, E. I love that you break down the sexting into three different kinds. Romantic, cheeky, and filthy. I'm like, go, Gigi. Break this down. Because if you're filthy and you're with a romantic, and I'm like, I kind of like the romance. Like, your lips are so luscious and soft. I want to taste them. Is, like, romantic, right? And then cheeky, Like, I want to fuck you right now. And then filthy. That wasn't even filthy. Like, filthy.

Yeah. Filthy is like, Jamie's gonna read it. It's like the whole. The whole thing is, like, the more adjectives, the dirtier it gets.

Okay, so tell me some of your basic tips for sexting, because I think we're all trying to sext or dirty talk at some point. What do we do, Gigi? Where do we start, please?

It's like, a lot of times, it's like, people are like, I don't even know. Like, how do I Even get a sex conversation going.

Right.

And really, it's like, it can start with, like, any kind of whole list of, like, your kind of basic openers to kind of be, like, to reminisce. The easiest way is to reminisce about something sexy you did previously.

Yeah.

Like, maybe you guys, like, had, like, you gave your boyfriend, for instance, like, a really good blowjob last night, and you were just like, oh, I really, like, love the way that you were moaning while I was, like, going down on you last night. Like, I was so hot. And that kind of gives them kind of some fuel to, like, feel like, oh, that's what we're doing.

Right.

Exactly. And if they don't want to do it, they send a thumbs up.

But anyway.

Okay. So. Yes. Yeah. So replay something that happened. Love it.

Yeah. Replacement. And it happens. You can also talk about, like, a fantasy that you've had. Or maybe you talk about, like. You could talk if you want to talk about a fantasy, which, you know, maybe you're like, I don't want them to think that I think about this, like, in a. Like, as a sex thing. You could also pretend it was a dream. I've done that before. And like, oh, I had a dream that, like, this happens. Then you can kind of gauge, like, how they felt about that.

Yeah.

Like, were that, like, are they into it? Were they not into it? And that's always, like, fun.

They're like, no, I wouldn't want that. You're like, yeah, it was just a dream. Or they're like, yeah, I'm down. You're like, see what sits?

Weird.

Yes.

Like, great.

Those are always, like, really good ones. Right?

So smart. Yeah.

Yeah. If you want to be extra filthy, dirty with it, like, go with as many adjectives as you can think of. Like hot, wet, and pink in front of the word pussy goes a long way.

True. Right. Okay.

Gigi, you're awesome.

I'm so.

I'm so proud of you. I know you're moving to London. It's like, tomorrow.

Tomorrow. Wow.

When am I gonna meet you?

Could we.

We gotta meet in person.

California. Come to London. That's a. I will be in London right now. No one wants to visit me here.

I would have thought me in London.

I'm gonna come to London. We're gonna stay in touch. Gigi, I'm gonna tell everyone to buy your book. I'm telling them now. But all my friends, I'm buying it for their. Their kids. It's so well done. I have to ask you the Five questions before you go that we ask all of our guests. Are you ready?

Okay.

Your biggest turn on.

A cute butt.

Biggest turn off.

Sloppy kisser.

What makes good sex?

Communication.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

If you can make yourself come, then you rule the world.

Number one sex tip.

Communicate with your partner. Tell them what you want. They're not a mind reader.

Nice. Gigi Ingle, thank you so much for being here. So appreciate your book, all the Fucking A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.

Thank you for having me.

Of course, Gigi. Have a great night. Thanks for calling in.

All right, we're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we are going to get into your emails and I just want to thank everybody for supporting our sponsors at this time. They need you. I need you. We all need you. We all need each other. But they are still in business. So thank you for supporting them and thank you. We'll be back.

All right, we're going to get into your email questions. I love answering them. So thank you everybody for staying in touch and sending me your emails through all of our platforms. It's great. To send it first through sex only dot com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form or just email feedbackexwithemily.com and include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys. This is from Cherilyn 25 in Connecticut. Hi, Dr. Emily. In a past relationship, I was slut shamed by an ex boyfriend who made me tell him how many guys I'd been with before him because he was worried I slept around. It was ridiculous because I had only ever been with two guys before him. But even so, this judgment scarred my perception of sex. I have a feeling of shame related to sex, and now I worry about judgment for having a lively sex life. How could I heal this block and step into my sexuality? I love that you're able to pinpoint to the exact time when you started feeling shame. Do you know how many of us can't even go back to that? We just have this universal, this kind of fuzzy, foggy shame that we just feel about everything. But, you know, that's when it flipped for you. You had an ex shame you. And so for a lot of times, something happens in our life and we just hold on to these beliefs. But then we get to say, okay, does this still serve me? Are these messages true?

Is it who I still am?

And just because we get notices or messages from our family or society or religion, we get to Decide at some point, wait, are these my beliefs? Are they cultural expectations about a woman should and shouldn't do?

And then we get to go deeper into that root and say, okay, you know what? No, Emily, I don't believe that just because my boyfriend said it. I don't believe that anything I'm doing is wrong or shameful. But those are just words. Like, the shame is like a label. But how can you really go deeper into that and say, there is no way I could feel shame because I actually know that being sexually healthy and being a sexual being and whole and complete. Being a whole and complete woman, I believe is about really understanding who you are sexually and what really works for you. So the more you can figure out, Sherilyn, well, who am I as a sexual being? What do I love sexually? How can you give yourself more pleasure, more orgasms? Taking the time to masturbate and experience pleasure with yourself and with other lovers, if you're ready for that, will make you realize that this is a non negotiable. It almost becomes like food for our soul. That's what sex can become. Food. Sex can become like something that you're like. This is a requirement. This is part of what makes me a healthy being is that I am sexual. I think once you experience this sexual power, a knowing woman who knows herself and trusts herself, then you'll have this knowledge and realize that you deserve the pleasure and the shame will just have no place. It will have no place and it won't be a replacement. It won't be. You won't allow the shame to come in once you realize it. Like, I am owed this pleasure. It's who I am. When I don't have this pleasure, I feel less than. So really it's a practice. And maybe just hearing my words will allow you to unblock it and practicing it. Every time you're thinking that to think like I'm not, this is nothing to feel shameful about. And again, upping your practice of masturbation, upping your practice of self, love, gratitude, all those things really works. Replacing all these negative, negative tapes that don't serve us with.

The thoughts and actions that make us feel better. So thanks for your question, Sherilyn. All right, this is from Scott, 40, in New York.

I've had a lot of porn questions, you guys. A lot of porn, a lot of masturbation questions during the COVID 19 shutdown. Hi Dr. Emily. My wife and I love your show. Listening to the podcast and Sirius show weekly, it's really helped us open up about what we like and what we want to explore. I recently found out that my wife has a fantasy of watching porn together, which is great. I asked what time of porn she would be into and she said whatever and unsure what she likes. The only porn I know, of course, are the pornhub types of sites, which I feel isn't the best for couples and not a turn on to watch together. We would like to play out this fantasy, but don't want to fumble through bad porn, which would kill the mood. Do you have any recommendations on where to start to find porn that is best suited for couples? Love the show and thanks for all you guys do. All right, Scott, great question and thank you for listening to the show. And I think you're right. I think first off, a lot of the porn we see out there isn't gonna serve everybody. And a lot of it is created by men. For men with the male gaze. It's what some guy thought was really hot. And then since that's all we see, it continues to perpetuate. That's how sex is. So, yeah, I don't know that would be right for your wife. Also makes sense that she doesn't know. She just has a hunch that watching porn would be great. But how would she know if she never watched it? So here's some ideas for you. There's a site called Make Love Not Porn. Cindy Gallup started it maybe over 10 years ago. You can find some porn there and kind of search different verticals and try to find porn that works for either one of you. I think you do have to pay for it, but I think it is worth it. Worth it, worth it. Lady Cheeky is a site that my friend Elle Chase, she started on Tumblr years ago and it's actually a Tumblr site of images. And they shut it down because Tumblr decided they weren't going to do sex content. But she just started it again. So ladycheeky.com she's just getting up and running. It's great for images and there's also links to some great porn. The next one is Literotica. Literotica also has some great porn that's friendly for men, women, for everybody, couples. I love Erica Lust. I talk about her a lot. It's another great site and another option to start, which I think is really wonderful. Working with a lot of couples is a site called Quinn. Tryquin.com is their URL because it's like online erotica, audio erotica. Because sometimes just listening to somebody talk about sex is really hot and I think these sites have been doing well. There's another one called dipsea also@sexwithemily.com we have a lot on this as well. Ethical porn. We have some classic films that you might really like of the porn genre, so check those out. And thanks for your questions, Scott. All right, this is from Shan, 25 in Florida. Hey Dr. Emily. I was going through your Instagram story tonight and thought I would give your Ask Me Anything a try after being a longtime listener and admiring your work so much. I'm 25 year old female. My boyfriend is a 30 year old male and he struggles with low libido. But we're working on it. And the constant rejection in the bedroom has started to mess with my enjoyment of masturbation. How can I get back to my self love time without feeling so sad and pathetic? Thank you for everything you do and I wish you and your team the same wellness and simple joy your podcast brings me every day, especially during these tough times. Oh thank you, Shan. Feels really good to hear that my team is still working super hard during this and thank you for that. And also we're all in this together and I'm happy to be able to help out. So feels really good to read your words.

All right, so I am super glad that you guys are working on the Lilibido with your partner. And I would add to that that this is also time to work on.

Your feelings around sex with your partner. So I understand how bad it can feel to be rejected in any stretch, in any place. It feels bad, but especially sexually. I hear this from everybody. No matter what your gender. If my partner rejects me sexually, I feel like it's me. I'm no longer attractive to them. They don't like my body. I don't do the right things. We can't help but go there. It's like how we're wired.

But I feel like just like I told our friend Sherilyn above, that this would really be a time to say like feel your way into your own pleasure. Like the more you can. You're saying that it's hard having you a hard time with self love because it's making you feel sad and pathetic. I'd say that this is the time we all up our masturbation game. We up our self love. Self love isn't just about words and taking long hot baths and massage or shopping. It's really like I can't think of a better way to self love than to give ourselves pleasure and orgasms. The more you do it and feel good. The more you're going to want to do it, which is just like going to the gym. The more we work out, the more we want to do it. We can't imagine not running in the morning. We can't imagine not. And the same goes for sex, because sex begets sex. However, the thing I want to also get to is you're feeling bummed because when you initiate, you get rejected. I know you guys are working on the low libido challenge, which is great, but also what about the initiation challenge? Maybe your partner needs to know first off how it's making you feel. It doesn't make you feel great. When you initiate, he rejects you. And so maybe you guys could find a solution together. And this is key. This is key for everybody listening who's in a relationship with someone and you are not hearing each other and you're not getting your needs met sexually. I will say this every day until you get this. It is not only up to one of you to handle the sex challenge. It's just not like you are in it together. You have a dynamic you've created and you both have to figure out what works for both of you. So you can let him know, number one, when I initiate and you reject me, doesn't feel great. Number two, you can let him know how you would maybe like him to initiate. Like, maybe he will initiate, but he doesn't know how. That's a tip I always give is like, let him know what that looks like for you. But you might not be there now because he's not has his little libido. But number three, this might be the time for you guys to schedule sex. Maybe you're living in the same place right now. Maybe you are quarantined together. However, I think that and this is something I've had to deal with so I can share my own thing. I thought, I've got all this time now and I'm going to be able to do more shows and I'm going to be able to talk to everybody I know and I'm going to be able to get my exercise routine down. I'm going to clean out the house. And we do all these things. When there's a other layer of stress and anxiety and all these things, it's really hard. It's really hard to scratch off all of our goals and to knock them off the list. So scheduling it right now and saying like, you know what, let's plan on Saturdays at 3 o' clock and then it becomes a date. Especially during these times, you're like, we look forward to Saturday at 3. And so you make sure your bedroom's all set up in a sexy place, your toys are charged, you are building up towards it. Maybe you guys do our yes, no maybe list which you can find on the site, which gives really great inspiration for couples to figure out what they're both into. And then it's an event that you're looking forward to. So scheduling everything right now is key and especially you might need to schedule sex because then you're not dealing with rejection. You're going to feel much better, you're not going to be worried about rejection. And then you'll feel better about your self love in times because you know when sex is going to happen. So those are some, some hacks to work around in this situation right now. And Shan, thank you so much for, for listening and we are here for you.

All right, this is from Tom 41 in California.

Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been having problems in my relationship. I've lost my wife's trust from talking to some other woman behind her back. I really love her and I want to reconnect and I keep trying different things, but everything keeps failing. Today she sent me this text. I'm having a really hard time trusting you with my emotional well being. I don't feel safe with you in that way. And when I do try, I get hurt. That has led me to not feeling connected to you. I feel lonely and sad all the time. I really needed and wanted to feel connected on Tuesday and again it was all you and it's making me shut down and not care anymore. Please help asap.

All right, Tom, here's the thing about trust.

Maybe this will make you feel better.

There's literally no way without the help of a third party, meaning a therapist, a counselor, that she will be able to rebuild the trust. This is science. This has been proven. Not just me, but many other therapists will share this with you. When trust is broken in a relationship, it can be really, really hard to rebuild. And couples can come out of this. They can come out of emotional affairs, they can come out of physical affairs, but the only way they do is when they repair. And that repair process takes a little bit of time, but on your own, you're going to keep reassuring her and she's going to keep having flashbacks and to you talking to other women. And then every time you don't call her, you don't see her, or you don't come home on time, she's thinking you're with someone else. We just. Our brains get very rewired very quickly. When the trust is broken. It just automatically. It's like we can't go back. We don't remember how things were in the past. And so having a therapist sit down with you both, and right now, you could do it on zoom if you need to, and then you could start to rebuild the emotional connection. You'll find out what she needs from you to feel trust again. You're going to find out why you did it, what was lacking for you that felt that you needed to talk to other women. There's a lot of things that might come up for you, but you still have work to do in this as well. And I'm not shaming you. I'm not saying that was a wrong thing to do, but because I think a lot of couples, I do know this, that listen every time trust is broken or someone cheats or something happens, it is a wonderful opportunity to figure out if you should stay or you should go. And many couples are able to rebuild. They're able to repair, and they come out stronger on the other side of broken trust or an affair. They really do. Now, some don't make it, some definitely don't make it, but I believe you can't go down without trying. And in therapy is the way that you can slowly unpack it and see, like, what were you getting from it? Tom, for example, maybe you were like, you needed, like an ego boost because maybe your partner, she wasn't giving you the words of affirmation you needed. Perhaps that's your love language. Maybe you needed more words from her and she was. You weren't getting enough of that, and you were feeling like maybe she didn't think you were sexy anymore, didn't think you were a great man or great at your job. And maybe these women you were texting with, it says you were talking to other women. I don't know if there was sex that happened, but maybe you were getting some need filled by these other women. It was like ego boost. The more honest you are, Tom, and the more vulnerable you are, and in the safety of a therapist's office or online or however you see this therapist is going to be able to heal both of you on a deeper level in a place where no matter what happens in the relationship, you're going to know that you did everything but trying to solve their own. Especially from the tone of her email, you know, she's taking care of herself. She can't just snap her fingers and trust you. Again, and maybe this language, it really scared you. That's why you're saying ASAP. So there's your ASAP. Find a therapist. Go to waxmansextherapy.com it's my friend Jamie Waxman. She's great. Wherever. You don't find a therapist near you when it's covered in your insurance, but they're available right now and they're ready to help. This is from Rob, 24, in Los Angeles. Hey, Dr. Emily. My girlfriend and I have been each other's first and only sexual partners together for five years. The sex is great. Question. About two years ago, after performing oral sex on my girlfriend, she got a large herpes outbreak that required a doctor's visit and several sick days and lot of pain. It was determined I had mouth herpes. That was the cause. I frequent mouth sores and likely didn't pay attention if I had an outbreak. She now takes a suppressant medication, has no issues, but no more oral sex. It would mean a lot to me to re explore oral sex. Is there a suppressant medication I can take or is it as simple as me being very aware of when I have a mouth sore? And how should I reopen that discussion? There seems to be no hard feelings. I anticipate if she agrees to try oral again with proper precautions. Her being nervous and not being able to joy oral in the moment. Other note, before her infection, she still seemed tense about receiving oral. I think she was uncomfortable with her body and such attention. But since then, she's become much more open, much more comfortable and engaged with sex. Which is why I think we could really, really enjoy oral now. All right, great question, Rob. Thanks for all the details here. So here's the thing, okay. You have.

Herpes Simplex one. It sounds like you have the mouth herpes oral. She's taking a daily suppressant, definitely. If you are careful with and you don't have an outbreak, you're less likely to transfer it.

However, it's still a possibility. You could take a daily suppressant. You could also use a dental dam, which is like a condom that's kind of like a latex shield you put over her. And it actually feels really good. People don't often use them, but I'm telling you, they feel really good. The extra the latex or any kind of material over the vulva and the clitoris feels amazing because there's so many nerve endings. But before we go down any of that road, let's first have the conversation with her about oral. Now, if you're each other's first partners and you're 24 years old. I mean, it would make sense because statistically speaking, women that I hear this all the time, they're not as comfortable with oral early on in their sexual relationships. You're the only partner she's been with. It's likely that she did feel shame and she did feel, like, weird about it. Maybe it didn't. She didn't really know how to make it feel good yet to her. And that's a common lying experience. So I would just open up to her and say, and because you also said that your sex is better now, and I mean, your sex is more open and comfortable, which makes sense because it's been five years. So I would just. When you guys are hanging out and you're talking about your relationship, or you just bring up your sex life and say, you know, I've been thinking a lot how hot it would be to go down on you. And I know we haven't done it in a while. I know we didn't have a great experience herpes. But I think that it would be so sexy. I love the way you taste. I love. You know, it would be. And then, and then see what she says. She might say, nope, nope, done for business. And then you get to say to her, tell me more about that without. Do your best not to be mad and be judgmental and to say, oh, really? What do you think that is? Let her say, well, I don't want to get herpes again. And you could say, well, I could, I could use dental dam or I could take as a present. I could just, you know, I've checked with a doctor actually. If I'm not showing any signs of it, if there's an outbreak, I should be okay. And she's on a daily suppressant, so you're actually really pretty safe, you know, safer than not. And then she could say, then you could have her say, well, no, I just don't feel safe. Well, then I would say you both go to your doctor, get checked out. She get more information. Because if it's really just about her worried about the transmission, you could actually have her sit there at doctor's office to get more information so she feels safe. But if she says, well, it's not that, she might say, well, I don't know, I feel like it's wrong, or I don't know if it feels good. Well, then you get to say, well, I would love to take it slow. I would love to explore that area again and see what might feel good to you. Maybe we could just try it for a few minutes, just kind of have a conversation to get a little bit deeper with her on it because she might not have even opened it up. She may not even thought about it. She might just need some time because she might have made up in her mind that it's closed for business. And to me, that's unfortunate. If I was still my 24 year old self that didn't let anyone go down on me and didn't like oral and thought it was weird and I didn't understand how to receive or give, receive pleasure, I would be missing out a whole world of pleasure. I am so glad I realized how great it was. So, I mean, I don't know what the answer is for your girlfriend because there is a percentage of the population of vulva owners who actually doesn't feel good. Like it literally it's their clitoris. And typically in these women, what I found is their clitoris is really sensitive and they have a lot of orgasms internally. So it actually doesn't feel great. But that is not the majority of women. I think the majority of women find out that fingers and mouth actually and tongues feel really great. So it's a process, it's a conversation. And good luck with it. Let me know how it goes. Rob, you guys can also call in together if you'd like, once you get the phones back, which you will. But I appreciate it. I think that helped a lot of people as well. All right, another email, you guys. Thank you everybody for emailing me. Feedbackexwithemily.com this is from G. She's a female. She's 32 and in the USA. And look, this reminds me of something. You're going to be emailing me now. Feedback at sex with emily.com you can change your name. I don't care if you use your real name. You don't even just say where you're from. It does help. But what I want is your age. That's really important to me. And you could say the state you're in, I don't care the city you're in. We are not here to. Because I get that the phone calls when you were calling into the show, maybe that felt more anonymous, there was more anonymity. But again, if you change your name, you don't give me your name. I'm fine with that, but it just helps me to know what region you live in and how old you are. That's the stuff I really need.

So.

Okay. Hi, dear Dr. Emily, when and how do you switch Positions during sex. Obviously, if it's uncomfortable, I'd reposition. However, is there a bliss point to avoid the sex getting boring or interrupting orgasm? All right, G. I love this question because this is also a practice. Okay. So.

It'S something that you learn by, like, having sex more often and just kind of doing it is that you just kind of move. Like, you kind of look at your partner and you just sort of do it. Like, you're like, okay, like, let's move now. And I think once someone starts to move.

You do it when you feel like you want to do it. There's a knowing and a trusting to this process that I have to say. It kind of is like riding a bike after enough sex that you just kind of know when it's right now. Now this is something that if you feeling like it's time to move positions, you're probably not going to ruin the orgasm point. Now, if you're worried about your partner's orgasm point, you could have this conversation with your partner and say, like, I've been wanting to try some new positions. Like, what do you think about that? And then you both know that the position's coming. You could be like, I've been wanting to try doggy style. I've been wanting to put my legs over your shoulder when I'm in missionary. So there's not one point. It's kind of like dancing. Like, it's trying to explain to you, like, how we can all dance with our partner and move in different positions. It's like it's feeling your way through it.

And I think if you're getting bored, the other person's probably getting bored. So you'll know when to move positions. And I think the more in touch we are with our partner.

Like, if you're. If you're actually. Because sex is energy, right? So when we're having sex with someone, even if we're not staring into each other's eyes, which I know a lot of you, kind of freaks you out, which I think it's actually really hot and how you connect. But if you're not disassociating in your brain, fantasizing or thinking of something else, you can kind of tell energetically if it's time to move, if things are getting, you know, just a little uncomfortable or boring.

So it's more like that. Like, I think that you're going to know when it's time to move and you're not interrupting orgasm. How's your orgasm? So I find that if you focus on what feels Good to you. Also, G, this is that you kind of know, oh, this is feeling. This is kind of hurting or chafing or I need some more lube. Like, get some lube. Stop. Because the other thing I want to say is sex is not linear. It's not about the kissing, the foreplay, and then you go right into penetration and then we penetrate until someone orgasms and it's over. Totally fine to actually stop in the middle of sex, to stop and talk, to get a glass of water, to go back to it. Like it's okay to get awkward even at first, and saying, I want to switch positions and maybe and laugh about it and then go back to it. Because the more you try this without worrying of how it looks like, what's my partner going to think that I awkwardly try to go into this other position? The easier it's going to get. And acknowledging that sex is. Is something that you get to. You are co creating with your partner in the moment. There's not like a blueprint of ways to move positions and how to have sex. I give you the options here. I'm like, here is a buffet of all these different things you can try all these different ways to communicate all these different sex positions, ways that I suggest, you know, feels good for women or men in different positions. But you guys have to try it on. You have to see how that works with a partner. So I'm glad you'll move if it's uncomfortable. But there isn't a bliss point, you're going to know what that point is. And I think the more you guys are in touch and communicating about sex when you're not in the bedroom, you're going to realize there's a groove and maybe you just need some permission from who you're having sex with, that it's cool. But I'm telling you, it's okay to move. But I think once you name that and you say, I've been feeling like I want to try some things and they know it's coming and then you won't be worried what people think, but you still shouldn't be worried what they think. So there's nothing to avoid. There's just everything to gain here by experimenting with positions. And after a while, it's just going to feel like you kind of know what you both need. There you go, G. Thank you for your questions, everybody. Thank you for getting in touch. Okay, guys, rate us, review us. Wherever you're listening right now. Just look down at that platform, whatever app it is, and just let us know what you think. Give us five stars. That'd be awesome. It really helps. And thank you my awesome team. Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, Producer, Jamie and Michael.

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