How to Go From "Eh" to Amazing in Bed

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com, it's easy to subscribe to the podcast and check out all the great content on there and all that stuff that we have going on on the site that I always tell you about. But I just want to say that I want to thank everybody. We hit a new record in March. We had 1.3 million downloads in one month. So first, I just want to thank all my loyal listeners and then welcome all the newcomers, because if you just started joining and listening to Sex with Emily, I'm so glad to have you on board. And I love that you're here, because you know, when you listen, your sex life, your dating life, like, everything else, will improve. Hear it all the time. So I think we should just keep this momentum going. So if you like the show, tell your friends about it, tell your partner about it. It's a good pastime for couples. I'm telling you. You guys sit, you listen together, warm me up. It's kind of foreplay. So I also love when you subscribe to the podcast. You can do it so easily through your app or itunes. And we do two shows every week, so when you subscribe, you'll never miss an episode again. And here's the thing about subscribing. It really helps our ranking. So. So that's how you, like, rank on itunes, which, in turn, it makes it easier for new listeners like you to find us. Thank you all, and I just love you. I love hearing from you and thank you for supporting the show. Okay, so on that note, okay, a lot of people, we talk a lot on this show about exes, right? Like, should you have sex with your ex? Can you be friends with your ex? And if you've been listening for a while, you know that when Menace is here, he's always making fun of me because I have a lot of ex boyfriends, and not only do I have them, I'm friends with them. Like, there's one that I travel with. You know, we've gone on trips with my new boyfriends at the time and his new girlfriends. We even shared a dog together. And he finds us crazy. But I actually have a new ex. Well, he's an old ex, but now we become friends. So I've been thinking about this. I'm like, God, we're friends now. And so I wanted to share you all the secret to this, okay? It takes time. You're not gonna become friends with someone right away. You can't like to say, like, you know, hey, babe, let's break up, but we can be friends. No, you need some separation. You just do. You guys gotta heal. I did a breakup show. God, I guess it was recently a lot of you said it was a really helpful show where I talked about this, because there is some rules that you really should follow and just be mindful of when you break up with someone, you know, you shouldn't be in contact, you shouldn't stalk their Instagram and probably not even be friends with them anymore on Facebook. And, you know, take that time to heal, you know, and we did that. We weren't in touch. We didn't take time to heal. And we hung out again. We hung out last night. And I honestly, it's been like a year. And I felt like we were friends again and we really will be friends. And. Okay, let me just. Here's a caveat. If you're dating someone who's like, an asshole, a jerk, and you never to be friends with them again, I totally get it, right? There's a lot of people that you date, you're like, okay, good riddance if I never see you again, great. But then there's also those people that. I mean, think about it. You spend time with these people, you know, you date them for a while, and you become so close to them. You know, you have history and there's an intimacy that you share and really a friendship. And so. And then you break up. And, you know, maybe you break up just because, you know, for whatever reasons, you're in different places again. It could be timing. You both don't want the same thing out of a relationship, but you still have this deep respect for each other and a love for each other, and you still might want them in your life. And we tend to just throw these relationships away. So the thing is, timing is important. I do think you need to take that separation and it's okay to take that time. I think that we blame ourselves and we think, God, I should be over this person by now, or why can't I move on? Getting back to the breakup thing. Not even the friend part, but just the I should be over this person, or why don't I want to date again? And it's just, I think you just again, need to take that time to. To heal, to look at, like, why it ended, what you learned about yourself in the relationship, kind of when you go through breakups, it's sort of like those stages of grieving, like when someone actually dies in your life. A lot of times you start out just Sort of, you know, it's hard to accept it. And then you go through like the anger phase and then you go through the acceptance phase. And there's those stages of grieving. I won't get into all of them, but it just. Just be kind to yourself. And again, look at breakups as a time to really heal yourself. So even though breakups can be hard and we struggle with them, there are great places to grow in your life. And if you choose to accept this mission, when you do break up with someone, just look at the signs like, do I want to date someone like this again? What do I want in my next partner? What did I learn about myself? And take the time it's best not to jump into another relationship. I did that for a really long time, just went from one to the next because I think it's kind of easier so we don't have to feel the pain. Anyway, I didn't do that this time. And I'm excited to have a new friend that happens to be an ex. So really it's not, you know, breakups aren't just an opportunity for you to, you know, have that personal growth and to really take a look at yourself and take time for yourself. But hey, you don't. You never know, you'll have like a lifelong friend if you guys can mend things and become friends again. Okay, now we got some sex in the news. God, I love when I love the sex in the news. Like the team here sends me a bunch of things, stories and I look through them and you know, news items and when I see one like this, I'm like, oh my God, thank you. Because there's some science behind what I've been saying. Giving women orgasms is great for guys too, according to science. So orgasms are fundamentally good things. That's why everyone loves to have them. The good news for guys is that by attending to your partner's desires to get off, you will find everything gets better in the bedroom for you as well. So it's like that cycle we talk about, right? You give them pleasure, you get pleasure. So University of Michigan researchers, my school, my alma mater, so I have to give them a shout out, go U of M, go blue. They discover that not only will your lady love the intention, but men who help get a woman off feel more manly, they end up with stronger self esteem and feel better psychological in general. So they feel more masculine, have higher sexual self esteem when they imagined that a woman orgasm during sexual encounters with them. These results suggest that women's orgasms do function, at least in part as a masculinity achievement for men. So the authors also stated they felt these findings indicated a positive societal shift that celebrates pleasure and sexual liberation for women. If you've been sort of confounded by the female orgasm and you're wondering if your partner has one and you're not sure how to do it, just keep listening to the show and talk to your partner about it and figure out, because apparently you're gonna feel a lot more like a man. Like, you know, sure, maybe like lifting weights at the gym or you know, beating your friends at basketball or gaming, whatever games you play, what games, whatever you do. But giving an orgasm, good for you too. So thank you, science, because, you know, I have, you know, I talk a lot about orgasms on the show and I honestly like, I feel like so many of our questions about did she have an orgasm or how come I can't orgasm during intercourse. And it's just this whole. I understand that the vagina is the Rubik's cube of life. And it is very confusing for men and for many, many women who are like, I don't know if I had an orgasm. And guess what? If you don't know, you probably didn't have one. So if this is just another extra added incentive to back up what I've been telling you all for 12 years, orgasms are good for everybody. And especially, you know, your partner's going to feel good. And for guys to get on board with figuring it. Here's the other thing. Every woman you're with is different, right? We're like snowflakes. Vaginas are like the same with your penises, but vaginas are like snowflakes. So just cause like your last girlfriend likes something in the bedroom, doesn't mean that this one's gonna like it. So look at it this way. Even if you're like, God, I failed. The last girl I was with, she didn't have an orgasm. Guess what? This new snowflake that you're with, whole new opportunity. Because every woman orgasms differently. So you're not a failure in that department. You can learn along with her how to orgasm. And you know, you're not supposed to figure it all on your own. I encourage women all the time to, you know, the most important work you could do truly is spe spending time masturbating, figuring out your body, understanding what you like, what makes you feel good, how to orgasm. So you can also show your partner what to do. That helps as well, right, guys? I know I know there's a lot of stress. You're like, yeah, but I've been trying to give her an orgasm. But it's not just only your responsibility. You know, it's great for your partner to communicate to you as well. We do. I know some women, we expect you to be mind readers. But I've never met a mind reader. I really haven't. Doesn't work that way. So again, better communication, more orgasms, more happiness in the world all around.

Now we're onto your emails. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, you know how much I love that it's so easy. To submit your questions, go to sexwithelmily.com, click on the Ask Emily, fill out the form and hit submit. That is all you do. It's so easy. You can check the box if you want to be called because I love talking to you. We've been doing some call shows and they're awesome. You can also leave me a voicemail. It's 818-275-7931. All this information is on the website and also include the information that helps me answer your question best. You have to. You have to put in your aid. You guys, I need it. I need it. It helps where you live and how you listen to the show. Can't wait to hear from you. Hi Emily, My friend introduced me to your podcast and I've been listening for about a month now. I'm 24 and I've been single after dating a guy for about a year. I'm loving being single again, but I would like to meet someone mostly for sex, but also someone who's funny and fun to be with. I go to the gym often and I'm wonder how do you start up a conversation with someone at the gym? I have Bumble and I'm open to meeting someone genuine on there, but would also be happy with casual sex with someone from Bumble. Help. Thanks Sarah. Age 24, Ontario. Okay, Sarah, I love this. I love hearing that more and more women like they're just down for casual sex and men. I feel like there's a lot of trends on this show like in your emails and stuff. And I feel like lately the trend has been that a lot of you men and women are saying how do I have casual sex? Like how can I find people just to have casual sex with? Which is just interesting. Find that little trend. So keep it up. And here's the thing about talking to someone at the gym or talking to someone anywhere, like just don't overthink it. I know. Easier said than done. But, like, how would you talk to a girl, a woman you found at the gym? You're like, oh, she seems cool. You just started saying, hey, where'd you get those cool sneakers? They're awesome. Or, you know, I love your top. I do that at the gym all the time. Like, I go to SoulCycle. I'm like, oh, my God. Where'd you get that sports bra? So. So think about, like, what is happening in the moment. Like, if you go to the gym regularly, I think it's a great place to meet someone. I used to say, like, don't talk to me at the gym. But honestly, these days, we're all so busy. We're setting our routines. Everyone's looking at their phones. I think the gym is a great time. You can, like, do it at the drinking fountain, like, before you're waiting in line for a class. I mean, there's, like, so many things to talk about and so many things happening at gym. So here's a tip for you can remember. So I think the best way to start a conversation is to first observe something happening. So let's say there's a cute guy, and you've had your eye on him, even if it's for a second, you're like, he's hot. Observe something happening in the moment. Okay, so let's say the gym is super crowded, and you guys are waiting in line for the treadmill, which is one of my pet peeves, by the way. It's like, I'm here to work out, and if you make me wait five minutes longer, I'm gonna go home. But anyway, you're waiting in line for the treadmill, and you can observe. Say to them, God, I've never seen the gym so packed at this time. Right? Casual. Like, I would say, you know, just say that, and then you share something. You know, I've been wanting to run. You know, I want to get these runs in the treadmill, but I can't take the weight. And then you ask a question. So it's. You observe, you share, and you ask. And you could say, how are you dealing with these crowds? Is it always busy this time of day? So this is just a very casual. Never seen the gym so packed at this time. I've been wanting to get on this treadmill, but I just. I don't think I can take the weight this time of day. How are you dealing with these crowds? Right? So there you go. It's observe, share, ask, right? And that's it like? And don't ask a yes or no question. Like, do you come here often? That's a yes or no. It's an opening question. And think of it just like a really good practice, you know, because if you don't find a guy you know to hook up with, you might make some friends at the gym, like in the process. Especially if you go to the gym all the time. And it's great practice because that doesn't seem like you're coming onto them. Like, there's a million things to observe. Maybe you're waiting for the yoga class and there's a new teacher. Have you taken this teacher before? I hear there's great yoga classes here. Which ones do you recommend? So I think it's really just observing. And there's again, I don't know if you go to my gym. There's a lot to talk about there. I'm in LA and it's just a breeding ground for conversation. And you got Bumble as a backup. I love that you're on Bumble. A lot of people to hook up there. And that's also about observing, sharing and asking question. Because on Bumble, as you know, that's the app for women to make the first move or make, you know, you match and then you have to send the first comment and so observe something in their profile and then share something about yourself and then ask a question. You can do the same way there. So you're gonna be great, Sarah. I think you're healthy. You want to find someone to hook up with. You're 24. Good luck. You got this. Okay, next email. Dear Emily, I'm a young guy, 20 years old, and I'm pretty new to sex. I absolutely love sex, as I believe it's a way to transcend our normal everyday reality. And I love to learn, especially about sex and relationships from you. My question is this. What advice can you give to young guys who want to learn how to be great lovers? What are some key things that every guy should be aware of and be doing when he's with a new partner? Having sex for the first time to make it as great an experience as possible for both parties. I love new experiences and new lovers. And I want every girl to have an amazing experience when she's with me and do everything possible to help her climax. Jordan Tampa, Florida See, Jordan, you didn't need science to tell you how important it is for orgasms either. You know it's important. But I like that you're saying that you want, you, you Know both of you want to have a great time during sex, because that is what it's about. You know, I know I was just focusing on female orgasms, but we should all be having a good time. And I love that you're asking this question because there are so many guys, they never ask or they never really think about, how could I be a great lover? Like, what can I learn? I think a lot of guys just stress about being great lovers, and they. They worry about being great lovers, and they pray that they're great lovers. But you're actually asking, and you're young enough that you're 20, I think it's just. I love that you're thinking this way. So obviously, I could probably devote, like, an entire show on this topic. But let me just give you some basics, because I don't want to overwhelm you. But if you keep listening to the show, I promise you just, you can't help but being a great lover from digesting these podcasts. Okay? So when you're with a new partner, before you even get started, it's really important that you know, you want to make her feel desired, because I'm sure you're with her because you do desire anyway. So don't, like, block yourself from telling her, like, complimenting her and letting her know that you find her sexy. You know, she smells good. Like, you love her. You know, the top that she's wearing, her earrings, or, you know, be specific. Her eyes, you know. God, I didn't notice that your eyes, you know, they change colors or just something very specific to her because you want her to feel comfortable and feel good about being with you. So that's like, setting the tone. So you guys are relaxed. You also want to set the atmosphere. I'm, like, on this whole clean sheet thing lately, but really clean sheets, good smells, good scents. Get a candle. They sell candles everywhere. You don't want anything distracting or gross around. And I get it. And you're. It's just hard sometimes to clean up and make it. But this is, like, just make that a priority. But I'm telling you, it makes a difference. Like, all these things with sex, we can get distracted. She comes in, there's, like, mess on your sheets. It's not good. That kills the mood music. Also great. Play some great music. So that's the whole thing about the atmosphere. Like, just, like, music and sheets and smells. Okay. And then foreplay. If you remember anything from this, foreplay is key. It is not just, like, a light suggestion. It is a requirement. So even Though you're super excited to be having sex, which I get so excited. She's there. She's in your room. And I think a lot of guys, what happens is we. You rush and you go really quickly because you're so excited to be having sex, and maybe she's going to shut you down and you just want to get there. But it's so important to go slow. Like I always say, go five times slower than you need to. You want to slow it down, and you want to warm her up, and you want to warm both of you up. You want to kiss, you want to touch slowly, you know, slowly undress her. Take your time exploring her body. Remember, there's more to her body than her breasts and her vagina. There's, like, so many nerve endings going on in between those zones. Especially her neck. Like, the neck is just so often ignored. Like, lightly kiss her neck. Actually, the right side of her neck. If you kiss the right side of her neck, it actually activates the left side of her brain, which can really turn her on. So, I mean, don't ignore both. Don't kiss the left and the right. But there's something about kissing the right neck that will ignite this part of her body that will get her super turned on. Yeah, Necks. Necks. God. You guys. Next. I just. I love the neck thing. I'm telling you. And it's funny because I actually hooked up with a friend recently who's been listening to the podcast. It was casual sex. I'm doing it as well. And he's like, I know you like your neck kissed. I'm like, I do. Thank you for listening. So, yes, that's why I'm a little obsessed with it, because I feel like what happens with sex a lot is that we do. We just skip through all the foreplay. You go right for the sex. And for women, we just don't get turned on the same way. Like, I know that you're ready to go, but she is not. Okay? So going slow, kissing. And again, all those nerve endings. Like, not just the neck, working your way down. Like, kiss her breasts, kiss her stomach. Tease her thighs. Like, kiss them, rub them. Wait, before you, like, head right in. Right. Like, you. And definitely, like, warm up her vagina. Like, use lube. Few drops of lube on her clitoris before you start touching her. Don't spit into your hand. I know guys do that. It's just. It's just not good. Wash your hands, too. Did I mention that? Wash your hands, but. But use a few drops of lube Joe, Lube is amazing. Put it by your bed. She's not going to question you. Just own that. Like just few drops. Put it on there. Also for sex, pay attention to her reactions. This is how you're going to know how she's, how she's reacting to you and if she's turned on and how it's going. Because again, it's, there's so much going on in your head. Probably you're like, am I doing this or that? She's going to tell you everything if you pay attention. Is her breath quickening? Is she responding to you? You know, is she her face flushing? Is she moaning? Her body will basically tell you everything you need to know and how she's feeling in the moment. So pay attention to her eyes. Are they open and staring at you? Like, is she like what, what are you doing? Or is she like moaning and in the moment? So I think that's good to start with, Jordan. So foreplay make her feel good. Set the atmosphere and go slow. You're the man, Jordan. Hi Emily. My husband, age 33 and I have been married for two years, together for 3.5. In the beginning, sex was fun, passionate, frequent as usual at the beginning of relationships. Now it seems like my libido is non existent and I'm perfectly happy having sex once or twice a week or less. His libido is as high as ever and he wants it once or twice per day and doesn't really like masturbating, though he will when he's desperate. When we don't have sex as often as he wants, he gets frustrated and very cranky. So I feel obligated to get him off as frequently as possible. But sometimes I'm just plain tired or feel lazy. Sometimes I'll just have sex with him even if I don't want to, hoping that I can get aroused during it. Half the time this works and I orgasm and half the time I'm just going through the motions that usually work and nothing, not even close. It's like I can't get my brain into it no matter what. We have toys, we try things, we do some foreplay, but I could always use more. This is extremely frustrating for me and him. I used to be super horny in my teens and twenties and now I can hardly care less. How can I get my brain to want more sex and am I just getting old? FYI, did go off the pill about a year and a half ago. Help. Jill, age 36, California. Oh, Jill, this is just loaded here. There's so much going on. But here's what I'm gonna tell you. First, Jill, go easy on yourself. You're being really hard on yourself. We all do it. Yeah, there's a lot going on here, and you're beating yourself up. You are having sex to connect with your partner and for your pleasure. And sex shouldn't be stressful. Although I know a lot of us make sex stressful, which is what lot of these questions are about. But it just. It's really. I want to try to make it more fun for you, and I want you to relax around this, because let me just give you a reality check here. The fact that he's being cranky and that you're beating yourself up is not a good combo. And you're having guilt sex, you're basically saying, you know what? He's all cranky and he will only masturbate if he has to. So I'm just going to guilt myself in having sex with them. So you guys got to address this also, because if he wants it once or twice a day and he's all cranky and upset, he's stomping around the house without it. Kind of imagine your husband, like, throwing a tantrum. That does not leave any room for compromise. And compromise is so important in relationships when it comes to sex. I mean, it's very common that there's mismatched libidos, that one partner's gonna want sex more often than the other. Like, it's almost guaranteed it's gonna happen. But with your husband, who wants it twice a day, you're just setting yourself up for failure, because that's just not sustainable twice a day. Like, you know, he's gotta adjust his expectations, and so you guys can find middle ground. So, you know, you gotta scheduling sex. You guys. I used to be against it when I first heard about it years ago. I'm like, scheduling sex. That is a buzzkill. Like, if you put sex on my calendar, I'm just gonna not do it. But here's the truth. Scheduling sex is great for couples. Especially couples like both of you. Jill. Because the thing is, once you know what's gonna happen and he knows it's happening, so you're like, okay, Saturday night we're having sex, because then you know what's gonna happen. He's not gonna keep trying on Friday because he know it's happening Saturday. And you can start getting your brain on board for sex, and you can start thinking about sex ahead of time. And so that would kind of put you both at ease. And I think scheduling sex, great tool for couples. So you asked about getting your brain on board, and here's the thing. A lot of women have this issue and this challenge. In fact, I think most do. You're not going to automatically be on board for sex every time, especially not twice a day. So just know that women and men become aroused so differently. And, and here's the thing. Like men, he sees you, his beautiful wife, you walk in the room and he's like, I'm ready to go. And you're like, I really was just, just sitting here finishing this text message. I didn't even know you were home, you know, and that's okay. That's okay that we work differently, but that means that it takes a little extra work on your part. So it's important to like develop a rich fantasy life. I've been talking a lot about fantasy in this last year and a lot of women naturally have fantasies. And by fantasy, I mean just those moments that you can think about. Like, it could be as simple as like the hottest sexual fantasy or moment you've had with your partner. Like, maybe you guys had amazing vacation sex last summer and you can like think about that moment when you were so turned on under the palm trees. Or maybe you read erotica or you watch porn. You know, think back to sexy times that you can like tap into when you want to get turned on. So again, you may already have those. And if you don't, again, reading erotica, watching porn, getting some, a few go to like scenarios will totally help you get on board. Masturbating. Masturbating will get you on board. This might seem kind of counterintuitive to you, but it is proven that the more you masturbate, the more you desire sex. It's like working out. The more you go to the gym, the more you want to go to the gym, right? The more you do anything. That's how you develop a new habit. So. And masturbation is great. Masturbation will decrease your stress, helps with migraines, helps with pms. Some say it helps with your skin. I'm not so sure about that one. But hey, let's just say it does. It helps with everything. So masturbation is just a great habit to get into. Plus you'll be able to learn your body more and you'll understand like, hey, maybe I didn't know that I could orgasm, have multiple orgasms or whatever. It is. Also part of getting your brain on board is having a pre sex ritual that makes you feel sexy and you Feel desirable. So if your husband's like, I just want to get down. I want to have sex right now. You know, you got to figure out what gets you in the mood. It could be, like, setting atmosphere, like lighting candles, taking a shower bath, like finding great music or playlist that gets you in the mood. Like, you can have a sex playlist on your Spotify or wherever you listen to music and be like, this, does it. Like, I have a running playlist. Like, I seriously would not run if I didn't have this playlist because I listened to this one song. It just gets me going. And sex is kind of the same way. So find what happens like this. Find what can get you going. Because women's arousal starts in your mind, and that's where you got to, like, put your attention to that. And you said that foreplay is not happening enough. Why ask for it? Tell them. Let them know it sounds like you have asked for it. Okay. I'm sure you have said to him, babe, I need more foreplay. And you were like, yeah, babe, whatever. And some guys don't get what that means, but we require, like, we need, like 15 to 20 minutes at least to get warmed up. There was a study that said, actually it's 18 minutes if you want to cite science. But let him know. I mean, you could say, babe, you know, I really like it when we make out. I keep fantasizing about that hot kiss we had after dinner last week or when we pulled over the car to the side of the road, or when you were kissing my neck. I'd love to do that more often. I think that would help me be in the mood more often. So if he sees that, like, he's doing something right, you're not saying, babe, aren't giving me, like, oral, but you're like, or maybe, yeah, maybe you want to go down on you. Can't believe I forgot that one. It's one of my favorite. That is foreplay. I love it. So let them know, like, this is something that makes you feel good and will lead to sex more often. I think you got some work set out for you here, but you can totally do this and all these things, and they're fun. Remember, sex is fun. Masturbation is fun. So go do it. Jill, you got this. Hi, Emily. I love your show. I listen on the podcast app in the Boston area. I'm 45 and newly single after a bad marriage. I've had this issue for years, though. During oral or foreplay, I can last for 30 minutes or more. The Minute I'm inside a woman, I last about 2 minutes. Minutes I've tried delay sprays like KY delay with no luck at all. It seems the moment the glands and frenulum come into contact, the sensitivity rises to the point I can't control it. Can you help with this? I've tried not letting my partner touch me till it's time for intercourse so as not to get any penal stimulation. But I have the same results. I always make sure my partner orgasms at least once if I can orally or manually. I just don't want to disappoint. Thanks, Eric. Age 45. Okay, Eric, Eric, I'm gonna give you some kudos here. Kudos to you for making your partner orgasm first. Very admirable. She comes First. Great book by Ian Carner. Love this book, but it's true. Just make sure she comes first. I always tell guys who, you know, have PE they come before they want to make sure she's taken care of. So you're doing that. That's awesome. Check that box. But you can work on this. And it takes some work on your own. And a lot of men have overcome premature ejaculation by putting in time to train themselves. Yes, it takes some training. Okay, so here's a few things you can try. You can practice during masturbation. So this is when a lot of your, your practice is going to happen. You can masturbate with the Fleshlight stamina training unit, which is awesome. We've been talking about the Fleshlight for years. It's a male masturbation sleeve that actually is, you know, made to look and feel like the real deal. Like a vagina has like patented technologies that's made like NASA, like NASA invented. Anyway, the thing with the flashlight stamina training unit is you use it during masturbation along with the stop start method. Mean you start to masturbate with it right until you, you feel like you're about to go over, right until you feel you're about to orgasm. And then you stop. It's called edging. So you stop, you keep going and then you stop, and then you start again and then you stop. And this way you learn your ejaculatory control. So you're like, you get that under control, so you know, I'm about to orgasm. So when you're having sex with a partner, you can be like, oh, this is when it's about to happen. And then you can adjust. And this will also help you last longer because you'll know when it's going to happen. And you'll, you'll just learn to train your body doing your Kegel exercises for men. Also important, that can also help you with ejaculatory control, controlling your penis. I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp that you should totally download because you can just remind yourself every day, five minutes a day. Also pick positions that don't involve thrusting when you're having sex. So you can focus more on like rocking and grinding motions, like woman on top or missionary position. Sorry, I know you guys love doggy style, but I'm gonna have to tell you, no doggy style, no jackhammer actually ever. And whatever position you end up with, like, just take it slow, go slow and try to play with these different positions. Have sex first. Also, you could try having sex first. You're 45 years old. I'm wondering if you tried this. But have sex, orgasm, quickly. No big deal. Focus on her pleasure. Go down on her for 20 minutes, you know, play with some toys and then go again. Have you tried that? Because that could work for you. Maybe you're refractory, period. You can come right back in 20 minutes and no problem, right? Women are very forgiving with this. I think that guys, you know, a lot of this also has to do with, you know, pe. Here's a complicated thing. It's really hard to discern, like, what exactly. Like, is it your body? Is it anxiety? Is it because it's been happening for all these years that you just expect it's going to happen? Can you rewire your brain to think, you know what? It's not going to happen. I've got this under control. I think you can. So if you try some of these tools and know that you're focusing on it, I really do think if you stick with this, you're going to be able to control it. Okay, lastly, you mentioned Ky, just don't buy anything, Ky, don't buy the lube. And I, I would typically say don't buy anything in drugstores that, like, if you can't understand the ingredients, you shouldn't put it on your penis or on your vagina. Except there is permescent, which is now available at Rite Aid. So promescent, you guys, I've been talking about it for four years. It's truly revolutionary. It's the only FDA approved treatment for premature ejaculation. It's also a delay spray, but it works a lot better for PE, use like 3 to 5 pumps on your penis and then you can like work up from there. See how it works for you. But you gotta wait 10 minutes. It absorbs into the thin membrane, the skin on your penis, so it doesn't transfer to your partner when you wait those 10 minutes. And you can last twice as long if you start playing. And with a few of these tips, I'm not saying you gotta do every single one, but commit to a few. Like. Like doing your Kegels every day. Like every other time you masturbate, you try the stop Start method, either with the flashlight or without. And then buy some remescent. You don't have to do these all every single time, but I think that you'll start to gain more confidence. You'll know that you're doing something to proactively get in front of the pe and you'll start to have better sex. So let me know how it goes. Thank you so much, Eric, for writing and thank you for everybody for writing and being in touch and snapping and emailing me and tweeting me and all that good stuff. So, yeah, follow me everywhere. Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. Facebook.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you to my new listeners and thank you for helping us hit an amazing goal of, you know, over a million downloads this month. 1.3, 1.4, something like that. Let's keep it going. Tell your friends and welcome to the Sex with Emily family. And also thank you to my amazing Sex with Emily team for making this happen. Thank you to a producer, Madison, Jamie, Michael, Helena, Ken and Lark. You're all amazing. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? You email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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