How to Handle Mismatched Libidos Without Ruining Your Relationship

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Hi.

And Anderson, on this show, I'm sorry you weren't here for it, but we talked about, like, what it means to have a broken picker. A picker broken.

Let's say Drew says that.

Drew? Yeah. I stole it from Drew, but I will attribute it to him. But it's interesting, like, when you keep dating the same people over and over again, kind of like, person. I have that problem still.

You still have it.

No, no.

You're still single.

I'm kidding. That's not why I had that problem for so long until I really just realized, like, this type of person is not working for me.

I think Drew used to say, look for butterflies, not lightning bolts.

Yeah, that's good. Thank God you're here.

I used to say it was like going on a dating diet. Like, try and date, like, people without calories or, like, boring people that you might find boring. That's probably better for you.

It's like I'm duty dating in a way. Like, you're like, you know what? This guy seems great on paper, but I'm not attracted to him. Not sure. You might be surprised or a girl. A woman.

And I've been in a lot of relationships where, like, I knew that they were attracted to me for the wrong reasons. And once they started to get feelings, which is inevitable if you're with me, Right about once they got feelings, they'd run for the hills. They'd be like, oh, this is too much. Out.

How did you know they were dating? What? Were they dating you? What were the wrong reasons?

Well, I like to drink. I'm center of attention at times. I'm exciting, some might say. And I like to go out and do reckless things, and they'd be attracted to that side of me.

Right.

And then once it was time to sit down and watch Conan, going to the late night talk show, not. Not the movie.

Right.

You know, at night. And, like, they'd be snuggling or whatever. They be like, I don't like this. It's too close. And they'd be out.

Wow. Okay. Got it. So you're. And you don't date those. Those women?

No, no. I'm happily married now to a woman who does not get me beer out of the fridge.

I got it. That's scorns me for I used to.

Yeah wanted to go out and get beer.

Right. I don't know what I just used to take guys just weren't they were all very similar. I used to date that guy that was, you know, drank too much. Life of the party guy. Didn't really go that far. But you're attracted sometimes those things and then you realize I'm going to take a step back here. This sounds familiar to me. How'd it go last time? You know we have all the information we need. Sometimes we just need to slow down, take a look at our patterns. So that was a good show. Also I'm going to be in New York for the sexual Health Expo and I can't wait to see you all there. September 24th and 25th in Brooklyn and I'm doing a live podcast on Saturday September 24th at 1pm can't wait to see you all there in New York. You can click on the banner website. I know wish you're come with me. Last time you were supposed to do a podcast it's she here in la but I couldn't make busy like drinking with friends.

I was out life of the party.

You were busy.

A lot has changed. I can't go to New York because my wife is very pregnant about to give birth. I got to be on standby. That's not I I okay.

It's a better excuse than partying with your college friends.

College. I don't have college friends. Anyways yeah it's good. Sexual Sexual Health Expo New York Brooklyn. Hipsters need to have sex too.

They do.

Everyone needs a lot of hipsters in that Brooklyn.

It is. I know people are going to be coming in from everywhere but the hipsters too love them. Hipsters love everyone way too much. So yeah so back to self confidence. That's what we're doing.

Sexual confidence just to paint a picture for the listener again who can't see instead of you know, most people. I've been working in radio or spoken word and podcasting and terrestrial for a long time been working with microphones people to talk into them. People usually use water to wet their wet their beat.

I'm obsessed.

Keep their mouth like moist. Sorry for the moist. I know it's a bad word. Sorry you got you know it's essential if you're going to be speaking especially if you're doing it for a living to have a mouth that's Right. You can't have a dry mouth.

A lubricated mouth.

Yeah. That's why stoners don't get into a lot of terrestrial radio. Except for Kevin Smith, but so you got to be lubricated. And Emily, instead of drinking water, she's.

I'm spraying Doc Johnson. Good head. It's called Wet Good Wet head. Dry mouth spray. Juicy apple flavor. And I have it here during every show in the sex filming studios because I love it. It tastes like strawberry. And the point is, it's so much better than if I was like, they heard that way.

That's not too bad.

If I had the cottonmouth and I just. I don't know. It tastes good, but it's also great for blow jobs, which is the purpose of it.

Good for dieting, too.

Well, I'm not even hungry. I said chocolate.

I know. You just eat that all day.

I like it. It's just kind of fun. And it's called. It's called Wet Head.

I'm on the All Wet Head Step.

Johnson you can get on my website. It's like 7, $10. And it's the best investment because one of the top tips I have for giving a killer blowjob is you want. You gotta have enough saliva, you got enough lubricant, you gotta have enough wetness.

If you're not blowing guys, you're talking to the microphone. So you always have to have a wet mouth.

Right? I need a wet mouth 24 7. Can you imagine my plight?

Yes, I can imagine.

I've got bottles of these everywhere back in my car.

Everywhere you go. Yeah, but junkie, some people are addicted to chapstick. You're addicted to.

I am. I love it. I'm like, where's the wet head? I was like, oh, here it is. So it's very comforting for me. I had to give you an update. Anderson, I've been saving this nugget for you, but do you remember this has been kind of an ongoing thing was this that I have a housekeeper who's worked for me for about three, you know, three, four years. I have a very. I live in a very small, little, cute little bungalow. Little bungalow, if you will. And, you know, I can't help but have sex toys lying around. I mean, they're not like the used ones, but sometimes they're charging or you've seen that poster, you know, not, you know, like, are the magazines, the sex books everywhere? And I've always wondered, what does she think? And we don't speak the same language. So there could There's a barrier. And I've.

She speaks French, right?

Ouija parfences.

Oh, if she spoke French, I want.

To be a profit. Oui, je PA vous. Les vous. Will I speak French? Yeah. Oui, je profre will say.

When did you learn the language of love?

High school.

It's stuck.

Sticks stuck.

So why don't you speak to your French maid? Oh, she's not.

She's not French. Not French.

I see.

So that's always been a thing. I'm just always wondering. Cause sometimes I just don't have, you know.

Okay, so there is the story. Let's just remind the listeners in case they didn't hear.

Oh, yeah, what was the story?

I was in the back room banging her boyfriend, right? While the not French housekeeper is out cleaning up her bungalow and whatnot. And she goes, oh, I hope she can't hear me. Do you think she. That my housekeeper can hear me having sex? And then it strikes Emily's. She goes, oh, oh, wait. Not only might she hear me having sex right now, but I left my sex toys on the kitchen counter to dry out on the rack for dishes.

It's true. So I don't have a dishwasher sexual.

Deviant banging in the back room while the robotic sex toys are drying on the rack.

And we want to have that morning sex thing. And yeah, that was bad too. So, yes, there's been a few. There's been a few things that have happened where I've just pondered it. And so then she came here. Her daughter actually came to the sex with Emily office to clean the office.

Clean up Dildo's floor.

And I said to her. She came and I said, just so you see, I have an office. It's based on sex. I'm just curious that you guys have been cleaning my house. What. What do you think? And she said, well, we just. We just kind of. We've talked about it a lot. So I wasn't wrong. And we just thought maybe you were just a little kinky.

A little kinky?

Look, kinky. I said, now she sees that you're kinky for a living because then they also go into the garage and I've got, like, my sports sheets under bed restraints and box the sibian, you know, stuff like that. So I just wanted to let you know that they did. She did. They did indeed have a judgment around it, but. Or a thought around it, and it's. Am I kinky?

She sends her daughter.

Now she sends her daughter here to do the analysis. She hadn't Been to the office.

Not a little kid though. She's like mid 20.

No, she's like 22.

Okay. That'd be odd if she sent my 12 year old daughter to come and.

I was like, well, honey, sexual DNA. My rabbit toys. Right. No, that didn't happen. But anyway, Sexual confidence month. We're going to cover that. Some of the emails today, you're a little kinky. I'm a little kinky. I thought that was funny how she said that. I was like, yeah, I mean, I guess I. I don't know.

You have to be kinky for your.

I am kinky. I guess I'm sexy.

You got kegel balls flying out of your vagina at corporate meetings. All right, you're kinky. Move on.

It wasn't. I don't do it for sexual satis. Well, I guess I do it for ultimately. Yes, ultimately. I know. That was weird. I don't know why. That day I'm like, this is a good time when I'm wearing these wide legged pants.

You don't know what we're talking about. It's last week's episode.

Right, right. I did have a kegel ball incident, but it doesn't never happen. But my. I have Kegels of steel.

Hey, do they bounce when they. When you drop a keggle, it bounced. You should do tricks.

Bounced right back into your head.

You should learn how you can like bounce it right back into your hand. And you could wear a skirt and you could do a little trick tricks on stage. Like the twilight of your career. Right, like in Vegas.

Exactly. Or in, like in, in Thailand. Because I remember going to Thailand, Bangkok, and you could see a lot of the women there, like smoking cigarettes and stuff.

I've heard things.

That's true. They do with the ping pong balls. I don't really want it. It's not a goal. That's not my goal for my later years in life. But it's good to know I have options. Okay, let's move to some sex in the news.

Yes.

Okay. What to do when she asks you. How many women have you slept with? Could your sexual history make or break your relationship? That's what a new study conducted says that in a survey, more than 2,000 Europeans and Americans, 30% said they'd be at least somewhat likely to end a relationship if they found out their partner had too many previous sexual partners. What the heck is too many? Well, on average, the women's survey said they'd consider anyone who had slept with 15 or more partners as promiscuous one five. Right.

That is an issue.

And men set their limit at 14 part 5. I want to know how old these people are that they're serving. But also seniors in high school must be. Or college. But here's the thing. The best way to deal with this question is to not have the conversation at all. Not answer it. It's never going to. I'm telling you, it's never going to serve your relationship. There's no reason your partner needs to know. Unless you have an std. You just say, I had an std. You don't have to say, well, it was guy number 16. No. And you don't even know probably where you got it from.

15 STDs is too many. I would agree with them there.

No guide over 15 gave me the std.

If you had 15 separate std's, I would. I would agree that that's too many.

Right.

And you should end the relationship. But to borrow a phrase from Drew, once again, here we go. But more mystery, less history. That's a good one all the time.

Because I think we're asking in some ways because we have insecurities. I think that it's a little different. Like men might be worrying that they're not as experienced. I think it's the same as insecurity. They don't have as much experience as the woman they're with. Or that maybe there's a judge, but she's too slutty.

I can tell you just from personal experience that the idea of foreign peens weans being inside that vagina, especially if I really care about it, that's tough. It's tough to.

To think there was a ween that came before you, before you and you.

And I've been in relationships where I've obsessed about that and I've obsessed about each and every single one of their previous partners to the point where it's very unhealthy. And like, I knew their names. And I would daydream about it while I was sitting in traffic and getting make myself nauseous. And I wouldn't.

When you were younger, right? I think this is like a 20s and 20s. I don't think the guys asked me, like in my 30s, past it, by.

Your 30s, unless you might not be too. But a lot of the time also I realized that those were bad relationships. Those are relationships that I, on some subconscious level, was trying to.

To sabotage.

Sabotage and get out of anyways because they weren't the right relationships for me.

So I think this is not the way to find out. I don't think this is useful information.

How do you avoid it, though? Like, if, you know, if you got somebody in your face saying, how many? How many?

This is what you got to say. I say, you know what? Right now, you know, I am enjoying the sex that we're having, and I really don't.

Lost count's not a good answer.

Yeah, I lost count, like, last week. I don't think. I don't see how this information is really relevant to our relationship right now. Cause really, I'm just focused on our sex life.

If you're dating someone really dumb, you can do this. You can go look at this keys. And then they'll forget about that, and they'll start looking at your keys.

Someone with ADD maybe. Which I would do. I'd be like, what about the keys? And then I forget.

Yeah, I can totally do that to you.

Yeah, totally do it all. You can do it all day long. I'd be like, what?

You keep coming back to it, like, later in the day, like, so how many keys? Wait, you did that before? Why did you do that?

What color car? Remember? I was like, car, Anderson, I know this is bad, but what kind of car do you have?

Yeah. Emily had been working. Emily and I have been working together for two, maybe three years. And it occurred to her one day, she's like, I have no idea what kind of car you drive, even though I meet you in the parking lot half the night, half the nights of the week when we go in together, literally.

I was like, oh, I wonder if he's coming. And I thought to myself, if you're.

Showing up or if I was already there, if I was in the parking lot. There's like, five cars in this parking lot. But in fairness to you, it was always nighttime. Well, not a whole lot of light in that parking lot of Cairo.

I don't pay attention to. I don't care cars. They don't register to me.

You know, Emily's not a. Yeah. She's not a car girl.

She's.

And you're not a. A girl who cares about the materials.

I'm not.

Care all about the emotion. I do that ocean.

And you're always very emotionally available to me.

I'm saying not emotionally. I'm just saying that you care when you're.

Yeah, I'm not like, what kind of car does he have? Let me check out your keys.

Got it.

Got it.

I drive a Lexus, to be clear.

Now that I know. But I still don't remember color.

It's a black old Lexus. And it's backfiring right now. You know, it's bad. Bad times having Japanese cars backfiring and your wife is very pregnant. Bad times. No, I'm fine. I'm good.

No, you're good. You're good. Well, you're gonna direct a movie. Everyone's gonna support it.

Everything is going in the right direction.

That's good. I love it. Okay, so, yeah, you guys, don't answer that question. I'm telling you at the time, your partner. Why won't you tell me why? Is it too many? Is it too many? Just be like, you know what? It's not really relevant. Sex. Family said it wasn't relevant. Just don't talk about it. Move on.

Or you can leave with this. Does oral count?

Right.

That'll scare them maybe away from asking the question.

Just don't talk about it. Just talk about. Say I have a better conversation. Let's talk about what kind of sex we're gonna have tonight. Turn to that. Yeah, let's talk about how hard you want me to blow you tonight.

How hard?

That's another how many times, not how hard. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Something sexier than that. That was not sexy.

Line's probably not good either.

You're the only one I can remember 20 fun.

I've had sex with 21.

Yeah, you could do that. Or just not have the conversation.

Just if you don't ask, then they won't ask. And vice versa, hopefully.

Right?

Don't break the seal.

Don't break the seal. It doesn't help. Okay, thank you for that. I'm glad we're on the same page here. Okay, let's move on to some emails. Okay. Dear Emily, I just started listening to your podcast and I've instantly become obsessed. I started to become interested in sex and masturbation at a very young age and to become more and more sexually driven. As I've gotten older, my sex life has become a very important part of me because I have a very high sexual energy. I have very high sexual energy, but I have a hard time finding people who share the same intensity about it as I do. I always become the one who is obsessed with sex or needs it all the time. I have been dating a guy for several months, and the sex has been great so far. At the beginning of the relationship, we would just jump each other every chance we got. However, recently, the sex has become less and less frequent. I'm scared. Tell him that I want it more because I really enjoy Spending time with him and enjoy him as a person. I don't want to seem like a sex addict, as I've been called in the past. Am I really too obsessed with having sex? How do I approach a situation without scaring my boyfriend away? Thanks so much for reading. Sincerely, Carrie, age 22. I mean, what. I gotta say this. And then most people who email me must be sex addicts if you're labeling your desire for more sex in your partner this way, because guess what? A lot of couples have mismatched libidos and they don't always want sex the same frequency. So just drop this label. You are not a sex addict. You desire. I don't think you're a sex addict. We can talk about that maybe, but I don't think you are. You desire sex, which is healthy. I mean, I just think that people are so surprised that the sex they were having at the beginning of the relationship doesn't remain the same throughout, which I talk about all the time on.

The show, which is legit. Right. But also, there's this. And I don't hear many people talking about it. Some people's honeymoon phases might be longer than others.

Right.

So I think the standards probably right around three months. But some people, maybe it's six months, two years. And maybe some people it's shorter. But the fact that she's a lady and he's a guy, Is it wrong for me to think that maybe there is an issue here?

Yeah, it is wrong for me.

He's probably a 20.

No, because that's a myth. This is a myth that we are raised with, that men want sex all the time and women don't. It's not true, though. There's been plenty. I'm telling you. I believed that when I started my show because I had heard that my whole life. And then I realized soon, few months in, that I got more calls and more emails, actually, from women saying that they wanted more sex with their partner. And I thought, is this really just what I'm. People emailing me? And the more and more I move through my life, everybody. I talk to women, and I hear it all the time both ways. So it is not true that a young woman wanting more sex than a partner means anything other than she wants more sex than the guy she's currently dating.

All right, I'm not gonna get hung up on it, but I.

Please don't get hung up on it.

Well, I mean, I could point to your assistant, Madison. What she like, throws a flashlight at her boyfriend every now and again. I don't think he's ever thrown, like, a Jeju Mimi at her.

What's your point, though?

That she's like, I don't want to have sex right now, but he does.

Right.

Vice versa. It's a common dynamic.

Yeah, it's a common. Yeah, it is a common dynamic in relationship.

I just think that men do tend to want to spread the seed a little bit more than women want to try and get impregnated, which is on the very base level.

Yeah, very base level. But I'm telling you, it's not. That is not true, actually. Okay, so, yeah, the spreading the seed thing, whatever. But it's very different than the frequent desire for sex. So I think the fact that she's been shamed. What'd you say? As a form of connection.

Yeah, as a form of connection.

Yeah, like, they want to connect. You know, it seems like, you know, that you want. Maybe it's more of the intimacy, and maybe he's not giving that to you. But, you know, I think that also, Carrie, you've been shamed in the past, so it makes sense that you're carrying this anxiety around. But there's nothing wrong with you. I mean, there's really not. So how you can talk about it is. You know, you can just say something like, since we've been together, I've noticed that, you know, I feel like I want to have sex more often than you do. Have you noticed this, too? You know, what do you think? Like, I know at the beginning we're having more, which is very typical. So let's talk about it. Like, what is the right. Sometimes couples have to negotiate. Maybe he's like, well, I only want sex in the morning, and you leave for work really early. So then you're like, okay, well, once a week, we'll have sex in the morning, and then we'll have sex these other times. Because couples need to have the language. They have to be confident. Comfortable and confident and need that language. Talk about sex with each other, because it's gonna be great practice for you. Like, what a great way for you to open up and start talking about sex. So I'm glad that you're starting early to talk about these things. And you'll find out he might be like, well, I don't want it. And if he labels you as, like, a sex addict or something, then, you know, you gotta get out.

He's not right for you.

He's not your dude.

But also, let me tell you this. I think most every guy has a an on Switch or, Or something that chances are, and I'm not trying to be misogynist here, when I say if you were to drop to your knees or, or. Or go down on him or just spontaneously find that maybe it's. There's something on his neck or maybe there's like an earlobe or something. There's. He's definitely got an on switch that you could. You don't even have to ask for it. I would think that you'd be able to just go to that spot and get him going whether he. Without even talking about it. Just like if you're on the couch, you have an afternoon instead of watching the people's court, you find his on switch and you. And then next thing you know, you're gonna be banging. Most guys, they have an on switch and I think they're on switch is probably bigger and easier to find than most girls.

Yeah.

Do you think that I got something.

There you're talking about like a random act of blowjob or even just a.

Heterogeneous area on his body. She. I think she should be able to find that, right?

Yeah. Maybe don't even talk about it. Cause I don't even know if she's been shut. Let's see. Did she say that he shut her down or she just thinks she wants it.

She feels like she wants it more than he does.

Yeah. You're worried because in the past your guy judged you, but she's scared to tell him.

And it kind of becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where like if you're pressuring, pressuring, pressuring. And then once your partner thinks of it as a chore or something that he or she needs to do, it's not gonna, it's. It's. It's game over almost. Unless you. I think you do it without even saying anything.

No, that's such a good point. You don't even know, Carrie, that he. Maybe he just. Sometimes I think it's a lot of work for guys because there is that thing that guy's got to initiate and maybe he's not initiating if you. It doesn't mean if you like lick his earlobe, perhaps if that's his erogen stone that works for him that maybe.

Find us on Twitch and also just be going back to Loveland again. Anyone who says that they're a sexual person. And it always makes my eyebrows kind of raise a little bit. Like she said she's been masturbating since she was very young.

So I'm thinking most women have.

Maybe there's A little bit of self soothing going on there and possibly just take a look. Take a look. If you're. If you're running from anything or replacing sex to fill a hole, that might be an issue.

We all might do that different times. Okay, we could look at that too.

But find his on switch. I would do that. Rather than if you say what's fair.

She's very scared that the judgment's gonna come. So maybe if you just start making the move, maybe he is always initiating and maybe she's afraid to initiate. And so I would. Yeah, that's not bad. Think about it. Yeah, guys have to think about the initiation a lot because guys are pretty.

Easy to turn on. And once you turn them on, they're not gonna turn off until they're done.

Yeah, so true that. Okay, that's all good stuff, Carrie. Let me know how it goes. And take this label. This is a label that you're carrying around with you, that it's time for it to be buried and dead. We carry these things forever. Unless someone tells you to kill them, it's dead. Kill that label. All right. Hey, Emily. My girlfriend and I have come to the realization that after two and a half years, our relationship is failing. And we decided that in order to save our friendship, we would end it before it gets worse. We have two months left in our lease for our apartment, and neither of us wants to break the lease. So I was wondering what you advice would be for living with an example so we can coexist for the last two months. Jose. Age 21, Los Angeles. Jose, Jose. Try to finish up these last two months with, like, dignity, respect, and don't bang other chicks in the apartment. Like, she's your. She'll become your friend. You love her. Oh, same goes for her, too. But he's the one emailing. Neither one of you should, you know, leave on a bad note. It's like when you leave a job, you know, you don't want to, like, steal all the office supplies and tell your boss to fuck off. You know, you just don't even feel so.

It sounds like they want to be amicable and remain friends. So you got that motivation right there to be respectful of one another. And you should probably verbalize it to one another, have it, sit down, have a talk. Let's come up with some boundaries and some rules for these 60 days that we have left. By the time you hear this, probably less than that, right?

You'll be fine. You'll move through it and just try to make it, you know, make it as peaceful as you can. Maybe this is a good time to take a class or do the things you've been wanting to do outside the house. Maybe you don't have to sit on the couch all the time, watch tv, don't let you do that. But.

And there's a good chance that you know too much. You guys are young, right? They're young. The chances are you're gonna see her getting gussied up and ready to go out with another guy. Maybe you're not ready for that. And that could be really, really brutal. So hopefully she won't do that to you. Hopefully you don't do that to her. I mean, it's one thing bringing somebody home, but also just getting ready to go out. I've been in that situation where like, you know, I was like, you were.

Living with an ex.

Not living, but I was still around an ex because it's, I think it's a mistake to say, let's be friends.

Especially can't be friends right away. You need at least six months to a year. It's almost never.

And I'd be around and I, and I'd see them getting ready and I'd know that they were going on a date without even asking. I just know. And like I said, I'd feel sick and I'd be, ah. And I'm the one who ended it, right?

No, still, even when you end it, you're like, but I ended it. Do I want this person back?

And I could see a tit for tat going on here where she does it and then he does it and he's just going to the gym, but he's getting me making it look like he's going out on a dad. Just be careful. This is tough.

This is tough. Yeah. Tread lightly on this and just be a good person. Just be kind, be respectful. You'll get through it. Okay? Hi, Emily. My name is Kim. I'm 20 years old. I have a beautiful 14 week old baby and an amazing boyfriend. After I had the baby, I struggled with my sexual confidence. I used to be up for sex 98% of the time. But since having a baby, I can't even have sex with the light on or during the day. And although my boyfriend is really supportive, I know he'd prefer to have it the way it was before. What can I do to get my body confidence up? Thanks Kim. Age 20 UK CrossFit. No, she can't go to the CrossFit. She's a baby.

It was 14 weeks ago.

It's Gotta take no to the gym, honey. 3. Take the pressure off yourself. First of all, three and a half months is so early in the new mom baby game. The doctors say like, yeah, maybe like at six weeks or whatever. They say like your vagina might be more healed at 12 weeks, but the.

Rest of your body has been through so much. I've watched all the hormones, my wife go through pregnancy right now. She's almost at the nine month mark and you know, I've seen her just go through hell. Creating the human being with your body is a lot.

Oh my God.

What she's got on her side though is a very caring, understanding boyfriend. It sounds like like, and father to her, her child. So as long as he's going to be there and wait, he will wait for her. It's a matter of her getting back on.

Exactly.

On top.

Right? I mean, maybe literally. Literally exactly. I mean there's a lot going on. She got the hormones that are raging. She's dealing. Yeah, you're dealing with changes in your body, lack of sleep, stress levels, changing diapers, all going to do it. Changing diapers. You're not going to feel like you want sex. You're probably exhausted. So what you might want to do is look for intimacy in your relationship rather than intercourse right now. Now this could mean like you guys are just like, you know, sitting on the couch together and you're, you don't have to have penetrative sex. You could like, you know, do a little oral action. Intimacy is important. No, I'm not, I'm not kidding. Like oral could be good or give him a hand job, you know, who knows? But the simple act of just touching each other can enhance your mood and bond you again. Because I think a lot of couples associate like, well, if we start touching then he's gonna want sex. And so maybe you're withholding in that way, but maybe just, just starting back. Like, you know what honey, I'm not ready for it, but let's just start some like cuddling and touching and kissing. Because that really does add to it. Like it's, it's true that it can enhance your mood and masturbation. Also important. I know it's probably the last thing that you feel like doing right now. And I know you're not feeling comfortable in your body, but it'll help. Even if you just start like maybe reading some erotica or watching something that turns you on, you might start to feel in the mood again. Kegel exercises are so important for new moms. I can't Emphasize this enough that I believe. Well, she's in the uk. I don't know if this is the laws there, but. Or the kegels are illegal. Kegels, no, they're legal everywhere. But in France, when you leave part of the postnatal cares, they do your. Hook you up. Yeah, they hook you up. They're like. Give you kegel balls. They'll do whatever that don't plow your vagina. They might, but you got to do them because not only will it tighten your vagina back again, but it also. It helps you build these muscles that have become atrophy. I know you're gonna. Every time I say that, you're thinking about my kagglebald.

No, I'm thinking about something else.

But it's like. It just helps you because you're squeezing your pelvic floor where all your sexual energy is. And I can't tell you, just by doing them for, like, a few weeks, you'll start to feel that, like, blood flowing there. Cause it's almost like that part of your body's, like, out of business right now. And then by breathing into it and doing these Kegels, I promise you, it will help you.

How long does it usually take? I'm sure there's an average out there for lovely ladies after they give birth.

I'd say for most people, I think.

It'S three to six months, right?

Three to six months, for sure. And then, even then, like, I have a friend who had a baby, and she was saying, you know what? They had sex for the first time or second time after six months. Maybe the first time was too painful. And she said it was like, really. She said we were both really nervous. They've been together, like, 15 years. But I was nervous because you have it. So there is some buildup. And for anyone to, you know, I know a lot of new moms put pressure on themselves, but I just.

It's natural, too. It's biology telling you not to get pregnant again. It's biology saying, we're not ready to create another human being right now. So we're not. We're gonna shut down the old sex for a bit here, right? So you don't have kids one on top of the other. So you're overcoming actual, like, you know, primitive biological instincts as well.

So that's true. You're all fine. These messages that we see, like, you know, the celebrities, the trainers who are, like, back out there in three months and their bodies looks great settings, it.

Does way more harm than good.

Way more Stopping celebrities.

Stop showing off. We get it. You don't have to work and you got a fucking nanny that takes care of the kids. Go with your attractive CrossFit trainer who's going to like, you know, walk you through everything eight hours a day so you could post and brag. Stop it. Hey, they got mouth Kegels. Kegels for the mouth.

Why?

I don't know, I just pictured like a guy like having a girlfriend who talks a lot and like he talked her into doing mouth kegel so she'd line up her mouth and be quiet.

Yeah, you should invent that for guys.

With talkie talkies, I think, ladies.

But yeah, I don't even say that because I know that I talk way too much and I had tried to have.

I'm not talking about you. Yeah, you gotta talk.

Not that I talk way too much. I love that I talk. I did have a boyfriend who wasn't okay with it. He tried to implement rules and he was like, let's not talk past 8 o' clock at night and before 8am.

You didn't invent the mouth kegel. You should have done that.

The mouth Kegel?

Yeah. Here you go.

It's like a mouth guard you put.

It's like a ball you put in your mouth. You clamp down on it for 20 minutes. There you go.

Muzzle with a thing.

No, I'm gonna watch my sports. 20 minutes.

Oh, Jesus. That's the worst idea ever. Really?

All right.

It's beautiful. Hi, Emily and the whole SWE team. I'm a huge fan. I've been listening to your podcast for over a year now. I recently read Lori's article, the Virgin Diaries. Since I'm a 31 year old virgin, it was only this past week that I actually did stuff with a girl for the first time. Making out, foreplay, oral. And I did a pretty good job for not having any previous experience since I made her come twice.

Wow. Good job.

Good job.

Do you think that he was digging for change though? You think you might have been?

No, because Lori wrote a really good article and she probably said, do not dig for change.

Don't dig for change.

This sentence wasn't necessary, but I wanted to let you know since I picked up these tips from your podcast. He picked up how not to dig for change. She came twice. I was really enjoying myself since I've never had any previous experience. But when it came time to actually have sex, I found that I couldn't get hard.

Yikes.

Is this common? Is there a way that I can Fix this. I'm pretty sure it has to do with my anxiety about not having had sex before. We ended up not having sex at night. She was really cool and understanding. She even said we could try again some other time. I'm just worried if the next time comes, I won't be able to perform. I'm taking steps to remedy this. Not masturbating or watching porn. I'm using your Kegel Camp app. I'm exercising more, but I don't want to disappoint her the next time. And the thought of not being able to perform again has been running through my head. What should I do? I'm looking for help. Signed, the dormant Virgin. And the PS Here again, thank you, Emily, Menace Anderson, Madison Laurie, Jamie Churro, Stanley and the rest of the gang for all the hard work you do. He mentions your dog. Menace's dog. That's sweet. He pays attention. Darling. Virgin.

Eddie.

Eddie. He doesn't know Eddie yet. But you would have thanked Eddie, because Eddie's awesome. Eddie's here, too. So, first off, I gotta say kudos to Darmit. Virgin DV got her off twice.

Yeah, he's the awakening version.

No, he's a winner in my book.

Yeah, he's no longer dormant. It sounds like he's getting so not dormant. Got that bang check where she's, like, down to give it another shot.

Yeah, I would, too. If a guy got me off twice, I'd be like, I don't care that you. Whatever. I still wouldn't care.

So he believes he probably got off twice.

Maybe half a time. Yeah, don't fuck him up.

No, he probably got it off twice.

Okay, so here's the thing. I think a lot of this, well, all of it probably is in your head. And it makes a sense that this is happening. It's totally normal. A lot of guys experience anxieties. The first time, the tenth time, the twentieth time, they either come too early, they have trouble maintaining erection, they can't orgasm at all. And I love that you did everything right. I mean, you focused on your partner, and so now we just need to focus on you. And maybe you could have used foreplay yourself, because maybe you were so focused on getting her off that I'm sure your erection probably. Maybe you weren't even that turned on. Maybe you got a little turned on. I don't know what happened. But next time, I mean, we can't. I wasn't there.

Well, your heart's pounding so fast and you're so excited. Especially if you got 30 years, you know history of this not happening. It's finally gonna happen. And blood is at a premium. And you need a lot of blood down there in that zone to make it happen. And it makes sense that your blood is going all sorts of places in your head. So you gotta overcome this.

Gotta overcome it.

You gotta drink it up and be prepared and loose.

Right. And don't. I mean, I think you said.

Right. I said drink.

No, I didn't hear what you said. Sorry. Because I was focused on something else.

Who are you focused on?

Don't drink. Well, I was gonna say if you were drinking or taking drugs, that probably wouldn't help.

No, it probably. It probably might not help. Maybe a glass of wine.

I love that he's doing Kegels and I love these. Repairing himself. But I would say I don't think that you need to, like, stop masturbating.

Yeah. That you don't want to hurt this girl. If you do actually pull it off.

Right. The first time.

Scary movie where, like, the virgin has sex and she's on top and he blows Anna Ferris to, like, the ceiling. Like, he could actually hurt this woman.

If he doesn't come at all.

She's Kegeling and standing. No, when he does, when he's finally.

Finished, he's juggling and shoots across the room.

It's gonna be like a fire hydrant.

True.

You gotta be careful.

You gotta be careful, buddy. I think you're fine. And. And he's obsessing. Do you hear his obsessing? Obsessing, obsessing, obsessing.

Well, I said self fulfilling prophecy earlier, Right.

This is definitely right for that first time, it's fine. You know, second time, it's fine. You're fine.

Okay. He should be using a condom, obviously, right?

Yes.

Okay. So that's.

I hope you are. Hope he is.

DB this is very good advice. Advice that I wish that I got when I was a young. And I know you're not a youngin. But you're. You're still kind of an experienced, obviously. And masturbate with that condom. Practice with the condom. Put the condom on and use it by yourself in the comfort of your own home. So you're. It's like, you know, learning to, you know, like football players sleep with the football when they go to sleep with the football. You're comfortable with your equipment, what you're using. And you got to do that without her in the room with you so that you're very comfortable and you know how it all works. Also, if you can, instead of stop Masturbating. Why don't you just masturbate with a condom, which we already covered, and only masturbate to the idea of her. Only think about her.

That's a good idea.

It's like that, that vision that, that athletes also do where they're. They envisioned, you know, shooting, making the.

Goal, the free throw, whatever sport.

And then when it happens, you should be like, oh, this is like my fantasy. I've already kind of been down this road. I got the muscle memory with the condom and hopefully that'll.

That's some good advice there. That's some strong advice.

I would not, not masturbate because also you can definitely become dormant if, like, you shut it off. It's like a hard drive on your computer. If you let it, like, sit and you don't warm it up, it crashes. So if you stop masturbating altogether, you might go back to dormant, so.

Exactly. That's a really good point. I appreciate that. Because you have a penis.

Good luck.

You know how the penis doesn't always behave. It's tough. But the more I think that's such a good point. I always have to redirect your thoughts. So if you find yourself obsessing, you know what you do. I want you to train yourself. If you start obsessing, that you're going to come and start thinking about her interface and how it felt.

Because there's a good chance he's going to get in the same situation and then he's going to start thinking about, oh, God, it's not going to work. And once you start thinking, oh, God, it's not going to work. It's like the same thing where, like, you know, you start thinking about your grandma or something while you're having sex. Like, you get. Especially if you're OCD or if he's on any medication. That's another thing. If he's on medication, this might be a whole, whole issue. If you're on opioids or something, that's.

Well, I hope he's.

Yeah, hopefully he's not.

I think he would have told.

He probably.

He listened. He knows your dog's name. He listens.

Maybe you should add that. Maybe you should add it. You give me.

Are you on drugs?

Your age, your sex? What kind of drugs?

Yeah, no. Or if you take any pills or anything. Yeah, that's a good one. We could add that. They'll have like 16 questions answered before they send me the email.

Good luck. Dormant.

Good luck, dv. You're doing fine. Okay. Another email. Yeah, we Feel good about that. Hi Emily. I love the show. Listening has improved my self confidence sexually with my partners, but also in talking with friends and being able to express myself without feeling shy or embarrassed. I was recently dating a 29 year old that I really liked a lot. I don't have much dating experience. In fact, I was a virgin before I met him. Our relationship was special to me because it was my first year relationship, although it only lasted three months. Our feelings developed quickly for each other, but they were also quick to fade away toward the end. We recently ended things because I found out he was still on the dating app we met on. And even though he told me he had deleted it a while ago, I was really hurt over it when I found out. But my feelings for him had been fading, so I wasn't. It wasn't terribly difficult to get over him. I'm finding myself really wanting to have sex with him again since we broke up over text and never got a chance to break up sex. For some reason, it really turns me on to think about having sex with him with no strings attached. Taking control of the situation in a way. I don't see myself getting feelings involved since he did me dirty and I want to date him again. No. No. Brooke, Age 22 Irvine, California Honey, you got out easy. Yeah. Reality check here.

Yeah, you. Hey, there's no such thing.

Sex is not a good.

Yeah, there's no such thing as breakup sex. It's called makeup sex. It's when you get back together.

Yes.

Which you're not going to do with this guy because he doesn't deserve it.

You're making up kinds of sex and you shouldn't do it.

You're 22 years old. This is your first sexual encounter and your first relationship with sex. And you guys. And you got out without any kind of hurt feelings. You know how lucky you are. You know how ahead of the curve you are. Don't fuck it up by going back.

Exactly. You do. Not even you. You. I'm sorry he hurt you. I'm sorry. He's still on the dating app, but like the further away you can get, you know, from this guy. I understand and I know that you're upset and you think you're over it. You're saying you're over it, but it sounds like she wants a little revenge sex.

It sounds like she broke up with him on text. First of all, I don't understand who anyone. He break up on texts. I mean, she's right. There isn't any closure there. It's lacking Closure. But you don't need.

You don't need closure. I'm gonna close it for you. He cheated on you.

Or he was trying to cheat on you.

Whatever. He's not being faithful to the commitment.

He wasn't all. You probably weren't the only one all along. I hate to say it, Brooke, but don't look back. This guy's only gonna.

Don't look back. Yeah, you're not going that way.

You can give him some blows.

You can give blows her. Yeah, that's bad, too.

Cut it off at.

Don't do any of that stuff. No, no. You need to cut all ties. And you need to completely move on from this situation.

Plus, you're probably hot because your name's Brooke. That's a hot brooks.

Did you Dr. Drew tell you that, too?

Drew told me very few things. Every now and again I'll.

No, Drew. Like Mike would say that. But anyway, you need to delete his number, not follow him on social media. And the sooner that you get over this and this fantasy of some breakup sex, you're gonna find someone else that you really care about. And you can't be friends right after and you have sex, it's going to mess you up again. Because I've done this. I've thought, oh, I can have sex. And it's going to be. No.

She's 22. She doesn't know much.

Probably she doesn't know about.

She needs to know this, Brooke. You need to know this. You got out easy. Most first experiences are horrific, and they always remember them. That's why I went out of my way. Not to be people's first. This sounds awful, but it's true. Like, I would find out that a girl I was dating was a virgin, and I would, like, run for the hills because I didn't want to be the first because they're almost always bad. They're almost always bad memories, regrets. I didn't want to be anyone's regret or bad memory. And it sounds like you got out. It sounds like you got out without hurt feelings, Brooke. Feel good about yourself. Know that you came out ahead and move on.

Time to move on. There'll be plenty of good guys out there. Promise you.

Plenty of things will turn you on. Just as much as banging this guy with strings attached.

Exactly. With other guys to go. Yeah, exactly.

He doesn't deserve you.

No.

Right.

He doesn't. No. No. He did not honor the commitment or whatever it is that you guys had. So that's all we got time for.

Oh, is it?

Is It. Yeah. How are you? Did anything else you want to add? Can you tell us about your movie and people can find you your podcasts and all the exciting.

Yeah. I'm launching my campaign real soon. We're gonna have some fun perks and rewards and all that stuff. There's so much work that goes into it. Been working my ass off every day just leading up to the campaign, but I'll be. I'm trying to raise a pretty decent chunk of change to make my first feature. And you can, if you'd like to be in the know. I'm just looking for emails to help, you know, organized so I can send people.

Anderson's a good filmmaker. He's won a bunch of awards.

I just. I was up for best director just recently. I'm actually. One of my shorts is playing in Catalina.

Oh, my God.

Next. Or I think this week.

I had a really bad weekend there with a guy once, but fun. Yeah, no, Catalina's fun, though.

I. I actually submitted to it because it's a really good festival. And I was like, oh, this will be a great excuse to go back to Catalina, because that's those of us who live in la, like, we never go to Catalina.

I know.

And it's right there. And I got in and I was all, cool, I'm in. But the wife's super pregnant. There's no way I'm going to Catalina.

I'm not gonna have a baby like.

American if he was born over there. I can't do that. I can't do it.

There's no hospitals, probably.

Anyway, the website is Groupers the Movie dot com. Groupers the movie dot com. And then, of course, I have my film podcast, Cinematics and the Film Vault and the After Disaster.

You could just spend your whole life.

You should come on the After Disaster soon.

I didn't guess I would love it.

We do it at the Improv, not on stage. As often as not.

I would love to.

We do it in the green room or on the roof of the Improv. Come on, we've. I've talked about it many times that we should have you on the. On the. The After Disaster. Come on down. We come up with. Oh, we come up with ideas. You know that.

Yeah.

Have you never been on the After Disaster?

No.

Absurd. It's upsetting.

Didn't know you had guests on the After Disaster. Now I'm insulted.

Whoever wants to roll by?

Now I'm insulted.

We had Joseph Gordon Levitt on the After Disaster. Kind of like he wanted to come into the room And I waved goodbye instead of waved him in. Kind of just stood there defeated. He said, alright, bye. So like he was technically on the show, but I waved him off because I'm an ass.

But you are an asshole. Wave me in.

Yeah, I want.

You recorded them right near my house at the Improv.

I know we do it on the roof of the Improv.

I love it. I've never been on the roof. Never been allowed on the roof.

Not supposed to be.

Let's do it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. I'm excited. Okay, so everyone check out Anderson. And thank you everyone for listening and supporting this. Check him out, he's sexy. And thank you everybody on my team. Thank you, Madison and Lori and Jamie and Eddie and all the amazing people here.

Churro and Stanley. Stanley Groupers, the movie dot com.

Yeah. So what else? That's all. I'll see you all in New York.

I love you.

Thank you so much for listening. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex with emily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Skincare you sip. Here's why I'm hooked. A few months ago, I started sipping Peaks Radiant skin duo. And wow, my skin looked brighter and clearer and more hydrated and. And that glow, it's just. It's unreal. And get this, I didn't change a single product on my shelf. I just added two sachets and the results showed up on my face. Sun Goddess Matcha is ceremonial grade. It's packed with antioxidants that help firm, brighten and support clear skin. And yes, it supports gut health too, which is so tied to how your skin looks. It's even quadruple toxin screened. Then there's BT fountain. It's my daily hydration go to and it smooths fine lines, it deeply hydrates and gives you plump skin glow with zero sugar or those weird additives, which I just do not like. I drink Matcha in the morning, BT in the afternoon and it's just easy, effective, and it truly works from the inside out. And for a limited time, for Sex Without Me, listeners peak is offering 20 off the radiant skin duo, plus a free starter kit, including a rechargeable frother and glass beaker. God, I love a frother. When you shop, visit peaklife. Com dremily and use code EMILY20. That's P I Q U E L I F E. Com dremily and use code EMILY20. Here's to glowing healthy skin from within.