How to Handle Your Sex Life with Hannah Cranston

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz My man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and all the amazing things we have going on there to help you have better sex. We love when you review us and find the show, wherever you listen to podcasts, itunes is great. That helps a lot. But also, you guys, if you haven't checked this out yet, I am right now on Monday through Friday. I have a daily show on Saturday, SiriusXM from 5 to 7pm Pacific, 8 to 10 Eastern on Channel Stars 109. You guys have to tell you it has been a dream because people you can call in, we can talk, answer your sex relationship questions, kind of like what we do here on the call shows. But now it is literally 10 hours a week. So if you check out our site, we do have a place where you can get a free 30 day trial. If you don't have SiriusXM, a lot of cars come with it now. So anyway, it's been a blast.

But.

But for many of you who have been concerned the podcast is not going anywhere, we're still gonna do the podcast and as always, you can find me at all social media sexwithemily across the board. I'm so excited to get into my guest, Hannah Cranston. She's been on the show. I think this is her third time on the show. Yeah, you might have to give her.

Third time's a charm.

Third time's a charm. How many sex toys are you gonna leave at this time? I think if you're on three times, you get like a Sibian or something. Hannah Cranston. Hannah Cranston is host and content creator and, and she just launched her new podcast, Too Much to Handle.

But you're on.

I'm on. I just recorded an episode. We're doing a marathon today. And I just love hand. I was like, I knew. I'm like, you should have a podcast. And now she does. It's a show for every woman who's ever been told that she's just too much. They're having the conversations you're already having behind closed doors. And we just had a really great conversation. Our Instagram's Hannah Cranston and the other episodes, if you want to go back, that she was on Sex with Emily was turns on and turn offs and the next episode was the Real deal with dating. Hi, Hannah. Hi.

How are ya?

I'm good. How's it going? Tell me about. So you're doing the podcast. How does it feel? What do you love about it?

It feels so great. It feels like, you know when you do something and it just feels right, like you're doing what you're meant to be doing. That is how it feels for me because I'm talking about the things that Me and my friends are talking about, about on our own, and I'm just kind of getting into it, but I'm providing a lot of history, a lot of context, a lot of statistics, because a lot of things that we face as women are a little taboo and we don't talk about them in public. But a lot of women are facing it, so might as well talk about it.

Well, let's talk about some of those things. Yeah, so let's talk about when you got this show and you started thinking about it. What are those things in particular that, like, I'm so excited I have a platform to really talk about this.

Yeah, actually, the what the way that I started the podcast was talking about what we talked about today is, you know, are you still a feminist if you like to be dominated in bed? And how do you really reconcile that? That was one of the main topics that I wanted to get into because I do think that is something that so many of my friends have dealt with and have expressed. And so I was really excited to obviously break that down with you.

That was really fun. Yeah.

And another one is that we did last week, which I was really excited to talk about was, is body positivity only for plus size women? Because the body positivity movement really just encompasses women who are larger and, you know, thin shaming happens. Fat shaming happens. Yes, but how do we sort of figure out whether thinner women who are thin shamed can be part of that movement too?

What do you tell women then who are feeling that? Do you talk about how to have that confidence too, for women and how to feel really good about it? Did you guys talk about that?

Yeah, we talk a lot about that. And like feeling good in your body, regardless of like the size or the shape, whatever it may be. I think what we really look at is, okay, why, why is this shaming happen? Like, where does this come from? And I think understanding, like, where things come from and like, why you think the way you do, like looking at things with a critical eye, like we talked about on our episode about, you know, wanting to be dominated can really be helpful in overcoming any sort of like shame or insecurities that you may have. Because then you can see, oh, wait, this is why I feel the way that I do, or this is why I'm receiving the negative backlash that I'm receiving. And then you can of be like, well, where do I feel authentically? What do I, you know, what do.

I get to decide?

Right.

Because, well, I think it's so interesting because I mean, I'd love to actually go in and kind of talk about what we just talked about, because it's almost like a re. Not that it would be repetitive, but like a recap, because for me. Or it's a different angle. It was so interesting because I didn't. I didn't grow up thinking, like, the things that I was doing wrong sexually. I just thought that, like, I wasn't really sure what I was doing, and I knew I wasn't. I wasn't having a lot of pleasure. So I want to get into that in a second. But what's so interesting is that I think that what we're talking about is that a lot of us are raised with these certain beliefs from our parents, from society, from the, you know, religion, from our friends. And then there comes a point when you become, like, a young adult, let's say, in your early 20s, you go away to college, that you have to stop. And some people. I think this is where the problems come in. If you don't do this, you need to take time and go, okay, stop. In my tracks. This is what I've been told. What do I believe? Like, maybe my parents thought it was wrong for me to have premarital sex or to. I don't know what to, like, whatever it is, get blowjobs, you know, like, to watch porn. But we get to decide when you're adult, what works for you. And that can be really, like. It can be very inspiring for a lot of people to realize, oh, I have a choice. Those voices in my head are my mom's. They're not mine. But that's. It's so hard. It's so hard because your mom's voice.

Becomes part of your belief system.

It does.

It does. And so I'll give an example. Like, even last night, when I told my mom I was gonna be talking about sex, I think she had, like, trepidation about it, and that transferred to me. I felt that projection, and I encompassed. I was like, wait, maybe I shouldn't be talking about sex. Maybe I shouldn't. Da, da, da. And I, like, had to take a step back and be like, no, I know. I know myself. I know the impact that I want to have and what I want to do and freeing women to feel confident in themselves. And so, yes, like, sex is a huge part of that.

Right.

And I don't want to perpetuate that shame by not discussing it or, like, skirting around the issue.

Right. And your mom's coming at it from, like, oh, my God, my little Hannah.

Yeah, And I don't fault her at all. Like, she's a product of her upbringing and all that.

Well, that's the difference that we have to realize. Like, our parents come, many parents, with the best intentions to protect her little girl. But what you're doing, though, is. Yeah. By having the conversation that we just had on your show, which everyone should check out, is that so many people are gonna be like, oh, I guess I can have enjoyable sex now and still be, you know, submissive in the bedroom. So I think it's a service. And that's something that your mom. Maybe she'll listen to it and she'll get that. And how great would that be that you. Maybe she won't. Maybe you'll hide it from her. Who knows? Baby steps. But I think that's interesting. So after our conversation, though. Cause this is something we haven't talked about, at least not in a. The podcast about a lot of women feeling that maybe we can talk about it. That when we're having sex that we don't feel like that it's hard to ask for what we want or to be dominated because we don't feel like we're a feminist. And you're saying a lot of your friends felt that as well? They felt guilt.

Yeah, they felt a lot of guilt in maybe wanting to be, like, spanked or something like that, or choked. They felt like. Or any sort of, like, rough sex. I mean, for me personally, like, none of that's not really my. That's not really my thing. But even just, like, wanting to be on bottom, I almost felt was, like, anti feminist because I was like, oh, I should want to be in control and I'll be on top and I'll, you know, make sure I get mine first, you know, and that's not what I find enjoyable. Just like, that's how the cookie crumbles. And so I think, like, being able to reconcile, like, no, I can still be a feminist. I'm almost more of a feminist because I'm seeking out what I enjoy and not letting society, like, determine what I'm allowed to or not allowed to enj.

Right. We all get to. We all get to decide. That's true. I thought that was very helpful. So what about these topics? So I'm thinking about. So your first. So you talk about. Let's talk about being too much to handle. Because I think that I understand in the sense of, you know, dating. I've always been that woman. Like, oh, God, Emily's a lot. She's a handful or Like, I love Emily, but there's just a lot of energy when Emily comes over. You know, even guys, like, they love that about me, but it can also be like, whoa, intimidating. Yeah. So is that kind of go back to the, like, women are intimidating anything, or men don't want to be with a strong woman? Is that kind of part of the origin of the title and what you were thinking?

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I was always told that I was, like, quote, unquote, too much to handle. And I think I was told, like, I was too loud, I was too opinionated, I was too needy, and I was just, like, too much. I think a lot of women are also told that their bodies are too much, which I don't even understand how that's a thing. And as I've gotten older, I felt a lot of shame around that.

Right.

And I wanted.

I wanted too much. You tried to make yourself too much.

Yeah, I tried to make myself so smaller, both physically and emotionally and the way that I interacted in the world. And then as I got older, I realized that those qualities are flipping awesome and that we should celebrate that in ourselves and in others. And that's kind of what the podcast is about. Like, we really get into some of the things where. Like, my first podcast was about slutty Halloween costumes, right? Like, you can still wear a slutty Halloween costume. You can wear a slutty outfit whenever you want. And that doesn't say anything about your sexual promiscuity or your efficacy in the workplace or anything. It doesn't say anything about you except for the fact that you decided you wanted to wear a slutty Halloween costume.

Right.

But I think we judge women and we judge ourselves so much.

Yeah, we're our worst critic.

Yeah, exactly. And women infighting is a big issue, too. Like, we judge each other because, you know, we feel repressed in certain ways, and so we want to be. Like, if a other woman looks really free or liberated, we're. Sometimes we're jealous of that, and so we, you know, get angry at each other, and it's just bullshit. I think I'm allowed to say that on your show.

Yeah. The more. The more you step into who you are and that power. So do you feel like even by having this show that you feel like you are stepping into it? Does it feel good now? Like, you're too much handle? And it's like, it's great. Like, you feel more like you see how it's your strength. It sounds like you're saying it really is.

I Love it so much. I'm excited to record it every week and I'd, like, get giddy about it. And I like my poor boyfriend because we were, like, driving in the car, we on a road trip this past weekend, and I was like, did you know? Let me just tell you about this statistic about, like, feminism and this, like, human sexuality. And, like, I just get so excited about it because it's not as. As mainstream to talk about these things. And it does feel, like, so liberating to get out and be like, okay, no, like, f this, I'm going to talk about things that we're like, quote, unquote, not supposed to talk about.

But that so many women are thinking about.

Exactly. Well, I think that you give them through this and through what we both do is that we're giving women permission to take up space because I think that women do try to be small in every space. We don't take the space up that we need to because we feel bad. We're pleasers. We feel like our needs come last and that we are so concerned what other people think. And so once you get to that place where you're like, I can still take up space, be strong, be smart, and be powerful and still have concern for others. Like, I don't have to be a total bitch and be steamrolling everyone. I can still be a woman who has a lot of power, a lot of influence, and takes up a hell out of space and still spread a lot more love. Like, I just feel like the more you get into yourself as a woman, the more like it, you know, helps the world. So what kind of feedback have you been getting from your show so far?

The feedback's been really great. I mean, my favorite thing in the entire world is when teenage girls message me and DM me that I've, like, informed their feminist ideology. Like, I could just die a happy woman. Like, that is all I need in life. But some of the feedback actually has been from men saying that, like, you know, conversations around feminism can be really intimidating and they can be really excluding towards men. And so a lot of men are saying that it's more approachable for them. And I love that. I love that too, because, like, we get, like I always say, like, we can preach to the choir all we want, but we do need men on our side, too, to achieve equality. And so I love that men are, like, super into the show too, and are digging it. So that's.

You have to be inclusive. Yeah, that's how I've always felt about My show too. I've never said on this show. And I think, you know, my longtime listeners will know that I'm never about like, well, you know, men, they're just jerks or they're assholes. Cause I don't believe it. I don't believe all women are crazy. Which was like, that was when your first podcast. None of that's true. And so I feel like the more inclusive we are, cause there's so much hate out there and there's so much judgments we all do to ourselves and others that the more we can try to find these unifying factors to bring people together. So I love that it's feminist, but it's, you know, it's for men and for women. So I think that's.

And for gender, non binary.

Everyone, Everybody. So what about, what about like all this with social media? And how do you think that that is impacting? You know, you grew up with it, let's say, like, how do you think that's impacting everything that we're doing now and being like a feminist, like, like even posting a hot photo but then still being saying something, you know, having a message like, what do you still think that there's part of it that's like you always have to look perfect and look great on social, but yet you still, you know, how do we deal with that? Because we're so all attached to our phones right now. I'm just sort of obsessed with not being attached to my phone though. I. And I don't know how to reconcile that. Because we need it for the business. No, I haven't done it yet, but I see the concerns around trying to leave you outside the bedroom at night and stuff.

So I think it's really hard, right? I think that you, when you put yourself out there, whether you have like a more public personality like you or I do, or if you're just somebody who likes Instagram, like, you know, most of the world, I think it's hard because, you know, the second you post something and make it public, you have eyes on you. And I think that is difficult for a lot of people, especially for women. Right. So my whole thing is like, I love when women post selfies of themselves where they're just like totally feeling themselves. I personally love posting bikini shots or shots where I think I look attractive because I think we have to love ourselves more. And I don't think enough of us do. We like ourselves and like the way we look and like the way that we move through this world. And so I think by Posting those kind of photos, you can almost, like, sometimes fake it till you make it, you know?

What do you mean? Like, so you post it. You're like, I feel hot. But what.

Let's say I'm feeling insecure. So most of the time, I'm pretty confident woman. I don't know if you could tell, but I'm pretty confident woman. But there are times when I don't feel super confident, but I'll like, oh, like, this is an attractive, like, selfie. I feel good about this selfie, so I'll post that. And, like, showing the world that I'm confident almost makes me feel more confident.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, you're just presenting as confident, and then I feel more confident in that because I'm putting that face forward.

I see. Yeah. But I have, you know, I see that. I see that. Yeah.

I mean, it's the same thing as, like, I'll give myself, like, pep talks before going into a meeting or before doing a show or something like that, where I'm like, tell this. Yeah, you go.

But that's so important, I think, like, affirmations. Like, I have notes in my house, like, sometimes that, like, I, you know, change them out. Like, just say things to me that remind me of things. It's important. The more we can affirm and then surround ourselves by really good people. Have you gone through this phase at. Do you have friends? Because you women talk a lot about. And I guess I don't have this. I'm so averse to negativity or toxicity or friends who are jealous or have. I don't know. I just don't have those people in my life. Like, I literally can spot it, but I feel like, what do you do about that when you. Friends who are looking at your success, you've known for a while, and they have jealousy or they might even try to do things that sabotage you. Have you ever had any of that? And what do you do? How do you handle that?

Yeah, I'm pretty similar to you. I really try to stay away from negative people. I had a friend who I was really, really close with, and she told me that she thought my Instagram was annoying. And I understand.

Where she was coming from because I do think, of course, there's a difference in what I put on Instagram and who I am in real life. Like, spoiler alert. Instagram is not reality. Hate to break it to you.

But, you know, Instagram is. Is part of my career.

We all need to do it.

Yeah, right. And so when she said that, it felt like an assault. Whereas, like, a stranger, a troll, could tell me, like, they hate my Instagram. Okay. Like, F off.

Like, Right.

You know, I don't.

She's your friend.

This is my friend. This is somebody in my real life. This is somebody in my circle who I've allowed in my circle. And to have that felt like she was disparaging my career. Whereas, like, I don't go into your, like, accounting office and tell you you're doing your Excel sheet wrong.

Right.

Or your Excel sheets annoying.

She's right.

You know, like, I don't like.

So it's.

I don'. Think people, because it's so public, see that there's a parallel there. And so I honestly.

Yeah.

Is the competition defense. Who are, like, competitive like that or weird, and probably it's coming for you. Most of the time when people say things to you, it has to do with their own issues, not you.

Yeah.

Most of the things that irk us about people is not about us at all. She probably doesn't love her Instagram or wishes hers was more like you or whatever. So it's.

But if you're not. If you're not a friend or a partner, which has also been an issue for me in the past, that, like, can't celebrate other people's successes, like, by Felicia. Yeah, nobody has time for that. And, like, you should be the woman, too, who can celebrate other women's successes or your partner's successes. Like, that is so crucial.

That's something that we have to. I think you. You learn it. I don't know. Maybe I was. I don't know how I always pick that up, but I think as a. As a woman. To tear a man. If you're hearing this and you're getting, you know, you feel like you're being. You have friends that you're feeling competitive with or, you know, you can flip that kind of just keep sending love, keep supporting them, and you realize it, like, it's.

It evaporates, goes away, and it can be really motivating. Like, if somebody else can achieve kind of what you want, like, be like, oh, wait, it's achievable. I could do that too.

Exactly. You think that can be really inspire you not to bring you down. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, so, Hannah, also. So I want to go back to sex real quick. Yeah. We just have to. So on that thing.

Is that something you like to talk about?

Yeah, I do. Sometimes I, like, get to sex. I do. So, okay, so you have this boyfriend now. I do and so you're, you're saying that I want to talk about real quick. Like, is there anything. I don't know, what was I going to say here that you've learned about sex in our last discussion? How you felt, for example? I just think it's a good example about the blowjobs, about how in the past you might have felt that it was something that was degraded. Like, can we talk about this for a minute?

Yeah.

No, I think it's very relatable.

So I mentioned on too much to handle that I, in the past, when I was younger, because of the portrayals that I'd seen women going down on men, giving head to men, like, always looked so degrading.

It was a man choking her.

Yeah, that's what you've seen. And she's, you know, putting stuff all over his face and everything. And it just seemed so degrading and so disrespectful. So I always thought that giving head was something that was anti feminist.

Right.

That it was. That it was degrading, that it was something that is not respectful towards a woman. Until I got older and I started to sort of like break down that like, oh, there is a way to do this respectfully. Because, like, that we're just not shown that.

Right.

We're not shown, like a woman being into it, right?

No. Well, I guess in the porn that you saw growing up.

Yeah, yeah.

You talked about how you grow up just seeing it, and you're right. And that's such a good.

Yeah. So you get like, you get so caught up in that. And then when you have, like real life experience, because another spoiler alert. Porn is not reality either. But when you get older and you start having real experiences and you love somebody, you want them to have pleasure and you want them to enjoy themselves and you can find, like, I found my own enjoyment in doing that. Now I've made such a switch because it's like, oh, I'm doing something that is giving my partner pleasure and that is in itself pleasurable.

Exactly. That's what relationships are about. Right. You're sick. You bring them chicken soup like you want to take care of them. And this is a very nurturing thing. And this has made me think too, because we've been getting actually on the serious show, we've been getting a lot of calls about. And we get this on the show too. Women who just don't like it, they don't like giving blow jobs. And I always say, well, it's probably. Is it the taste? Is it Whatever. But I never. I hadn't from your perspective, thought, like, they actually think it's degrading, which not in a while have I thought about. So this is kind of bringing it to mind that I could actually. It's something interesting. I think that there's probably a lot of people listening, are like, huh, I wonder if that's it. And so for I hear from a lot of men who are like, why won't my partner do this? It might be interesting to take this conversation into your bedroom and ask your partner, like, is there something about blowjobs that you think isn't right for you as anti feminism or that you feel like it's going to be degrading because it's. Because what you mostly saw. You're right. A lot of porn, if you go to pornhub, you are going to see him shoving her head down and choking and coming places that, you know, he has not asked or she has not consented to.

Right.

So I think that's really. I think that is just. Was very illuminating for me. Yeah.

Yeah. And I think I. At least I know a few of my friends who feel the exact same way and who still to this day feel like giving head to them is just something that they think it's.

Check off the list.

Yeah, that's not for them. They won't even do it.

Oh, they won't even do it.

They won't even do it. They're just like, this is. If a guy wants me to do this, like that. This seems too forceful for them. And I think a lot of that comes from, like, the context that we. That we have around a head.

Exactly. So I think it's so interesting because these same men they're having sex with probably grew up watching the same porn where they don't. Not only do women think they don't know how to give it, men don't know how to receive. So they think for me to receive a blowjob, I gotta be. And she's gotta deep throat it. I gotta make it aggressive. And so I just think that this is interesting. It's an interesting debate. This could be more oral. You know, who knows? Oral sex movement might explode right now for this.

No pun intended.

Exactly.

Exactly.

All right, we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll come back with more.

Here's my question for you, Hannah, Bring it to me. Okay, so you talk about women being too much. What do you think about this? Cause I often heard this when I was and dating, and I never believed this. People Were like, oh, he's probably just. Are guys intimidated by you? Or they're probably really intimidated by your. Not just. Cause the sex thing. I get that, people. I get that. But you probably got that as well. Like, you're, you know, successful and beautiful and smart. And what do you. Do you think that just. Do you call BS in that, too? That a guy or maybe a guy is. But he's not your man? Like, what's your position on that?

Yeah, I think a lot of the times that stems from insecurity, and I don't think that has anything to do with. With the woman, because I think a lot of the times women feel like they may have to play down their smarts or play down their successes for a man, because we're taught that if we're too successful or if we're, you know, too opinionated or too whatever, that that's gonna be somehow emasculating. And I think a lot of times we do hedge ourselves for men. And the men that you're supposed to be with aren't going to be or aren't going to feel insecure. But I think when we say, like, intimidated, that makes women out to be scary. Right? And we're not scared. You're not intimidating. He's intimidated.

Exactly.

There's a big difference.

It's a good way to switch it because I do hear from women a lot who are single or they're on the dating apps, and they'll call into the show and they'll say, oh, I think it's because I have a really good career and I know what I want and I'm really strong, and men just. They're not into it. And I always say, like, then you probably just haven't found that man yet. Because I think that women have a history of trying to make ourselves smaller. And like, what your podcast not taking up too much space and that really want to encourage women just to keep being you and you are going to find that person. I think it's important for women who are, like, super alpha, like I am and like you are, to also show that, like, I'm also vulnerable. You gotta be. You want to show all of it. So it's okay to have feelings and emotions. You can still be tough and strong and be a woman in the world, but to also show, like, you know, your heart and it's okay to show what you want. And that's a practice.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's really important for couples to remember both, you know, women and men and gender non binary that when you are in a partnership wins and successes, our team wins and successes, it's not like the other person's success somehow detracts from your own success.

Right.

It's a team win. Like, when you succeed, I succeed.

Exactly.

And we can celebrate that with each other and flourish in that rather than have it be like a power dynamic or some sort of any tension, competition that comes up.

Yeah, I think that can happen with a lot of couples, the jealousy and the competition. And I feel like. And even in friendships, like, if you could kind of look at it. If I win, you're winning. Like, if you're in a loving relationship to support your partner and their successes and their failures. That's what love is. That's how you have the true intimate relationship. So, Hannah, when I saw you last months ago, you didn't have a boyfriend.

I know.

And now you do. I. And I'm so. You seem really happy.

I am very happy.

And I want. I want to say you met him on an app.

We did. We met on an app. I was on the dating app. I mean, we've talked about this before. We've talked about it on your podcast, the Dating App World, and how it can be really, you know, disheartening, you know, because you keep going on these dates, and sometimes you go on a lot of bad dates and you get discouraged, and it's hard. It's hard out there.

I know. So what? It is hard out there. So what? First of all, what kept you going and what have you learned, you know, from the apps? What are some good tips you could share?

Yeah, I hate this phrase, but it is a numbers game. It is. And I know that sucks to hear because that means going on a lot of bad dates sometimes, but it is about putting yourself out there. I guess that's a better way to say it. Right? Putting yourself out there. And even if you have a bad date or even if you face rejection or something like that, still going on another date because there is somebody out there that. That you are going to click with and have something really special with. It just might take a little bit more time and. And maintaining that patience is something that you really have to practice.

Yeah.

So I would say patience, but also efficiency. I think that's a big one, because I think for me, like, I don't. I don't want to waste my time, and I don't want to waste somebody else's time. And so figuring out if that person's going to be a good match for you is really important. I asked my current partner on the first date, I was like, are you a feminist? Like, tell me about your thoughts. Like, I want to know your political beliefs. Because those are things that matter to me now that doesn't matter for everybody. And that's not a priority for everybody. But we had that discussion. We had the discussion about, like, if we both wanted kids and marriage really early on. Really early. Because I don't want to. I don't want to waste his time. I don't want to waste my time. I know what I want out of a partner. I would know what I want out of life. I know where my priorities are. And so being efficient and covering my bases for the things that are really important to me, I think is also a good tip. Because I think a lot of women feel like if they bring up something that's important to them or if they bring up marriage or if they bring up kids and expressing that they want those things, they're worried they're going to be perceived as crazy or too needy.

And the right person for you isn't going to think that.

Exactly.

I've been told I was all of those things in previous relationships. And my partner now is like, no, I don't think that about you. Like, I don't think you're high maintenance or any of those other things that you've heard before. And so that's how you know that it's a good fit.

You didn't have to change who you are for a guy to fall in love with you.

Yes.

You were full on Hannah Cranston and he fell in love with you. All of it.

Yeah.

So I think that that's such a good tip because why should we mess around like being efficient if you know, you want kids and you know, you know your religion's important to you or you work all the time and you're workaholic, but you only have time on the weekend. Whatever it is, bring it up as early as you can. Because why date someone five times? Like, those are five nights of your life you will never get back. If you could have found on the first date they don't want kids and you do, or there's, you know, but you're out if that's. If that's a deal breaker for you, Right?

And knowing yourself, right, Knowing yourself, knowing what's important for you, knowing what sort of things that you really want out of a relationship is also really important. And getting in tune with your self and being confident in yourself, I think is another really great tip that we forget because it's all about, like, the other person. Like, yes, do they want to date me? It's like, no, wait, do I want to date them? Like, do. How do I feel in my body and in my brain?

Yeah. Like, you're interviewing them as much as. Again, women being pleaser. Sometimes we're like, I just want every guy I go out with to really like me, and then I'll decide if I like them.

I love hot dogs.

Yeah.

I'm into casual sex. Like, great, if that's you. But don't, like, fake it to make it.

Yeah, I think the more. Yeah. The more real, the more authentic we are, the more we show our true selves. That's gonna get you more what you want a lot quicker. So what about just the act of. And I did some of the apps for a while, and I. I did get overwhelmed with the messaging and getting back to people and I mean, did you have, like, a good hack for that or a good system for keeping track or just things that you learned, like what not to do's and don'ts of the apps?

No, I ghosted a lot of people. Sorry, I apologize to all of you out there. No, it is hard. It's super overwhelming. I think there are some apps that consolidate the number of matches they give you. And I think that was really helpful for me because it's like, oh, I'll give you you three in a day or ten in a day or whatever it is, and then you're done. So, like, it's a little bit.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah, it's more efficient, I guess. I guess that's a common theme. And so I think that's really helpful or a lot. Giving yourself an allotment of time. Because you could sit and swipe. I mean, it turns into a game. You could sit and swipe for hours. And so I think, like, giving yourself a boundary for how long you want to be on the app is really important. But honestly, my current boyfriend, when we started talking on the app, app, he was so engaging with the conversation. Like, he was telling me a lot about himself and what he was doing and asking so many questions. And so for me, I wasn't gonna let the conversation fizzle because it was so engaging.

Right. You ghost on the guys who are like, what's up?

Yeah.

You're like, we match, but give me something here.

Yeah. Like, oh, like, how are you doing? Oh, I'm really hungover. Okay, like, cool. Like, ask me something or tell me something a little bit more. More that I can work Off. Like, I'm pretty good at talking people outside of my job.

Hannah's a good talker. Hannah's a good talker. That. Yeah, you want to engage. I think that that is all if you're single, too. I feel like a lot of people are like, well, I'm never doing the apps, or I'm never doing. It's like, if you really want to find someone and you're not on the apps and you're not trying different things that you say you'll never do, you're probably not gonna find someone. I think if you're single and you don't have to do the apps, then. But just do something. Make a step every day towards finding someone. It's like you're looking for a job. Tell everybody you know that you're single. Like, let your friends know that you're people you run into at a party. Do you know anyone you know? Like, make it part. You do something different. Say yes to those weird Facebook invites that you get from people that you don't really know.

Right.

But you might meet someone. Like, peep. There are single people everywhere.

You have to work at love and getting a relationship and maintaining a relationship. Just like you would work at anything. It's like going to the gym. It's like going to work. It is about putting in the time and effort. And I think so many people are so. Especially when it comes to dating apps and especially when it comes to older people, they're so concerned with the story that they're gonna tell. Right? Like, nobody wants to say, like, oh, we met on a dating app. Like, oh, we'll come up with, like, oh, we met at Whole Foods or something. We met at a bar. We met, you know, whatever it is. And I'll tell you, like, I was sort of in that camp. Like, I was like, I don't really wanna meet a partner on a dating app. And now once I found somebody who I love and I cherish, I'm like, I don't give an F. Like, I will. I met him at the dumpster.

I don't care.

It does not matter. Because at the end of the day, it matters who you find wherever you found them.

Absolutely. I mean, I feel like that. And I do feel like that stigma is gone a little bit. I mean. Cause we're all doing it. Well, I'm happy that you found love. And he doesn't think that you're too much to handle. Cause you're not too much to handle.

And nobody's too much to handle.

No, we're not. I. I think that women are, you know, what would even the equivalent be of a guy being too much to handle? Does that even exist in the world.

That you're like, oh, so we did this pod. We did this episode on my podcast about women who are called crazy. And it was really interesting because red flags that are what men consider to be red flags for a woman to be crazy are like, oh, she cries over stupid things. She talks about kids. You know, she's too emotional, whatever it may be. Right. And then. And what women consider red flags for men to be crazy are like, oh, he tried to strangle me in my sleep. He said he was gonna rape me. That, like, it was completely, completely opposite. So it was these extremes where men are calling women crazy because we're women, like, human. Yeah. And then when we use that term for men, it's because they might actually be mentally deranged. Yeah. Super interesting.

That's interesting. And then kind of disturbing. And so I love that you talk about. I feel like every guy you ever talk to when you say, so why'd you guys break up? I'll say, she was crazy.

Yeah.

Like, that drives me. Drives me crazy. Can you put a little more texture to. That's not even interesting. Like, I'm like, oh, wait. I'll even say, now, Wait, let me guess. Was she crazy? Yeah, like, oh, well, you know, I mean, I just feel like it's a cop out, too.

It is. It's a total cop out. Because it's a lot easier to say, like, she was crazy versus, oh, she had legitimate concerns about my communication skills and I was unable to deliver.

Right.

Like, that's a little bit harder. It's a little, you know, wordier.

Right, Exactly.

But I would love.

I would love everyone. Men, and that's the only men. Women do it too. But I think we all could learn to communicate around all these things. I think that. I think we learned so much from every single relationship, even if we got out of them. I think it's nothing to be ashamed of. And I think it's good to understand why a relationship ended and then have an articulate story about that. If I'm going out with a guy and he says, oh, my ex, she was crazy. I get concerned. I'm like, well, then I'm like, well, what really happened? I think to have your. You know, some people break up and they don't take their part in it. Cause there's. It's 50.

50.

There's two. And, you know, even if your partner did Something not if he strangled you the whole night. Like, that's deranged. But usually you're with someone, you know, takes two to tango, so we all have our part in it. So I just think it's, you know, better to talk more intelligently about your why things ended and, you know.

Yeah, you learn so much about what you want in a future partner, but you also learn about yourself. And I think taking the time to figure out, okay, how can I be a better partner and how can I be my best self within a relationship is really important reflection to, you know, take the time to do as well.

Absolutely. Hannah. We're not too much. Never much at all.

Nobody's too much.

Hannah Cranston, I have to ask you before you go. I have five quickie questions for you.

Let's do it.

That we ask all of our listeners.

Let's have a quickie.

Let's have a quickie. Okay. Okay. Hannah Cranston, what's your biggest turn on humor? Biggest deal breaker.

Cat person.

Ideal first date. Your ideal first date.

Something like arcade. Like, something interactive and competitive.

Fun. Sexiest body part to you.

Forearms.

Ooh. Number one dating tip.

Be honest.

Oh, I love this. Hannah Cranston, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for having me.

I'm so excited. How can people find you?

People can find me on my new podcast, Too much to handle on itunes and anywhere else that you listen to podcasts. They can also find me on Instagram and Twitter, Hannah Cranston. And on Facebook at Hannah Cranston, host.

Thanks for being here. Another fun conversation with Hannah Cranston. Okay, guys, we are onto your emails. You know how much I love answering your questions. So if you want a question answered on the show, go to sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tag, fill out the short form, check a yes if you'd like to be called, or email me feedbackexwithemily.com and please, please, please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys. Okay, Jamie's here with me, and she's gonna read the emails.

All right. This one is from Aaron, who's 27 in Maryland. He writes. Hi, Emily. First off, love your show. Been sharing the podcast with my friends out of general curiosity. I wanted to get your take off of something one of my friends said when the topic of sex came up. She had said that she has hooked up with a guy many times, but by her definition, that did not include vaginal sex. Her reasoning behind this was, you don't fuck guys you like, and when you finally have sex, the men have all the power. My initial response in conversation was to be careful with that line of thinking, as leading the guy on for too long may lead him to moving on and just not bothering with the whole waiting game. Later, when I got home, I was thinking about it more in depth, about how in my mind, sex shouldn't be thought as a power struggle between two individuals, rather a time where both people can come together. It's not often I hear this perspective from women. I'm just curious if this is something a lot of women think about when it comes to sex with someone they like. Thanks.

All right. This is a really interesting question, Erin. And I really like it because I really. It really got me to think and I was like, okay, huh? It's a great point. Because the fact that she says, you know, you don't sleep with the guys you like when you've sex. Men have all the power is actually, I've heard that a lot from women. You know, I guess women of all ages, but especially I feel like it's younger women who feel that the second they give it up, that the guys are in control and they can decide if they get to sleep with them or dump them or move on and that you give up your power. So, yes, I believe that women do think that way, but I hope that many people listening to this show realize that that is just a really not helpful way to think about sex. And then your response, though was, well, leading the guy on for too long may lead him to moving on. And so why are you playing? So it's all about game playing is what we're talking about here. Because I also think that women worry, well, I want to wait longer, but what if he leaves me? And then some women sleep with guys too quickly because they're afraid the guy won't like them. And so the whole challenge here is what our beliefs around sex is. That we have to play some kind of game with someone and not really lead with our true hearts and minds and, and feelings about what actually feels right in the moment with each partner. We all have different views on sex. So I think that her way of thinking is common, but I'm hoping is becoming. Will become outdated with, you know, realizing that men, women, have equal power, that sex should not be seen as a power struggle, and that we should sleep with people that we want to sleep with and that we should sleep with people that we feel safe with. I mean, I always say, I'm never going to give you A number like wait three dates, wait three months. Months. But what I will tell you is that it's best to wait to sleep with someone until you feel like you can trust them and that you know them well enough to feel like this is a good decision. So I think when sex goes wrong is when we play games like, oh, I have to wait three months because, you know, if I do this, then this, that doesn't work. We never know how anyone else is thinking in a relationship. We don't. Everyone's different. Like, I think that when we're true to ourselves and we have honest and open communication with someone, which is what, you know, I'm all about that. But if you're in a situation with someone and you're like, oh, I want to sleep with them, but I'm not going to because. Or you're thinking that they're waiting too long. Talk about these things. You can say, I'm not comfortable. What she could rather say with the guy, your friend, for example, if she's dating someone and she likes a guy, she could just wait and see. Like, you know what, I'm going to wait on the sex. I'm not feeling like, you know, this is something I want to have sex with someone that I feel like I have a connection with, like a real connection and I'm just not ready for yet. Like, I think that the more that we're really honest with people and take out all the game playing, that you're going to easily be able to weed out the people that you actually want to be with. Because not everybody believes in playing these games. Like I said, it's common that women believe this way I talk to young women. I have a friend's daughter who's 19 and she's always like, oh yeah, guys have the power. I'm like, no, you don't realize that we all have power. And I think again, antiquated way of thinking. I remember thinking in college too, if I sleep with a guy, he's going to think that he.

He got something from me and then he's in charge. That is a familiar way of thinking. But I think again, it's antiquated. And it's, I know that it's, you know, not a true way of thinking. So I think that if I could impart anything to everyone is that make decisions on your own and have honest communication before you sleep with someone. And I could also tell you that for women, a lot of women, that feeling that you're with a partner that you can trust, and when you Feel, feel safe is when you have the best, most pleasurable, most connected sex. Which is what I think we all want. Thank you, Aaron.

Okay, this one is from Sarah, who's 26 in Idaho. She writes. Hi Emily. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half and recently our sex life has been almost non existent. He's voiced his frustration with this a few times as he even said that his confidence has taken a hit because I constantly turn bound for sex. The truth is I've become extremely resentful towards him for not prioritizing my pleasure. A session usually lasts between three to five minutes in one position with very little foreplay. I attempted to explain that I need more foreplay in order to feel turned on, but the most I get is a couple minutes of him going down on me, which feels forced and rushed. He did buy me a vibrator, but then said that sensation was uncomfortable for him when we use it during sex. So he expects me to use it on myself afterwards while he lays next to me. Me, not sexy. I don't know how to bring up these issues in a way that won't upset or hurt him. We have a great relationship otherwise. But at this point I feel absolutely no sexual attraction towards him. Please help.

Okay, Sarah, I totally get this. So here is the deal again. There's also a lot going on here. Remember this, Sarah, that, that you're both coming into this and you both need to learn together. As in every sexual relationship, like I say, great lovers are born, they are not made. And so there's always a little bit of teaching in every relationship and learning, learning and paying attention to what each other's want. So I feel like you both want the same thing. You both want to have great sex. And I believe that he's doing the best he can right now with what he knows. So even though you've told him that you need foreplay, I'm going to guess that he probably doesn't really get what that means yet. So it's going to take a little bit more of explaining. Like he thinks, you know, for some guys, like, yeah, you put your hand on my penis for five minutes, I'm ready to go. But for women, you know, I say like, if a guy goes down to me for three minutes, you might as well have like, just gotta fill my car up with gas or gotten me a sandwich or something is way more useful than 3 minutes world. Like we haven't even started the party yet. I think. And also buying you a vibrator shows me that he's actually interested in your pleasure. But yet to say that it doesn't feel great during sex is because that's another thing is that sometimes vibrators don't feel great on the settings that women like. So maybe you can use it during sex, but make sure that it's either further away from his penis so your hand's kind of covering it as it's on your clitoris. If you're using a higher setting or turn the setting down a little bit lower. So it could just be that one time you used it. That's happened to me before where I'm like, oh, like, it can kind of startle men. Or like, you just gotta kind of play with it. So I think there's a little dance going on here. And you both have to just kind of have more talking about the fact that, you know that foreplay to you, you appreciate, you know, this is a conversation you have outside the bedroom. And in a not judgmental way, in an open, not shaming, not blaming and just saying, I appreciate that, you know, you've made these efforts around, you know, I know we've talked about foreplay. I know. I so appreciate you bought me a vibrator. And let me explain some things to you that for me to get warmed up, sweetie, I really need, like, I want to kiss and make out and have you go down on me for like a while and take some time taking our clothes off and important to get you warmed up. I suggest using the vibrator beforehand. Like, she comes first, right? So maybe when he's. You're using the vibe beforehand to get warmed up, then you'll be ready to get going into sex. And that could also count as some of the foreplay. So you can let him know you're liking that it's starting to make some changes. But you can't orgasm from penetration alone. And that's the other thing that men, you know, they need to learn that, like, this is something that you guys know. I've been saying it for almost 15 years, but every single day there's someone who hears this information and they're shocked that only 20% of women actually have orgasms during intercourse. So. And of those women, not every time. So it just sounds like it has to be a little bit of, like, slowing down, really thoughtful, honest conversations where you guys are working on it together. So it's not a he said, she said, but together. You're, like, looking forward to the next time you have sex because he's now getting what you want. And he's not going to feel like, you know, rejected anymore. And you can let him know that the reason you're turning him down is you never to want, want to make him feel that you're not into him, but you're not getting your needs met. And again, as much as you can, affirm him because when we feel on the defensive, we get attack mode if someone we ever feel bad. And even he's even going to feel inferior right now because he's not going to realize that he actually possibly couldn't know this at this point because, you know, no one's teaching this in school if he's not listening to the podcast. And I suggest you guys probably listen to the podcast together. That would be great. A lot of couples do and it's life changing. So again, there's just education information and keep talking about it. And this goes for everybody. In a relationship, having the conversation once or even twice isn't going to cut it. It's ongoing, it's checking in. How did it go? Did it feel better last time? I mean, I think that people believe that talking about sex takes all the thrill out of it, but I think it becomes fun, like talking about sports. So, yeah, babe, when you went down on me, it felt amazing and I was really close. The next time, blah, blah, and it becomes hot. It doesn't have to be in bed. Maybe the next morning you're talking about it. And then you guys, if you are both willing to really work on this and all the things you're talking about here, Sarah, I think that you can get there, that you guys are having great sex. If you can get past him feeling defensive and upset and really listening and then you kind of having some patience around it, who knows what could happen. The possibilities here are endless. So thanks for your email, Sarah, and have some good talk. Communication is a lubricant. All right, everyone, hope you enjoy the show. Love having our returning guest, Hannah Cranston on the show. Thanks for your emails and just everyone for supporting the show. And to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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