How to Have Game: The Dating Show

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The thing about dating is you don't really know what's going on with other person. Like I would say that it's all about like, people date for a few weeks. So, you know, they might be seeing a lot of people. Like he might not be looking for whoever it is he like the grand he, right? He's like dating a bunch of people. Or maybe he got back together with his ex. Or maybe he just wanted sex. Or he has no time for a relationship. There's a million reasons why relationships don't work out. But women and men, we do this. We blame ourselves.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I. Hi, I'm Dr. Amley and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what's the hardest part about dating? Meeting people, making conversation, figuring out if there's enough chemistry. How do you have dates that leave you happy, aligned and energized, rather than defeated and hopeless? On today's best of show, I'm here for your specific dating dilemmas. So he's new to dating and nervous to talk to women. Well, I give him some talking points. She wants to have sex, but also wants it to be more than casual. I help refine her approach. He's super honest about being polyamorous, but they think he needs to grow up. I coach him on how to find the right partners while still being open. Because listen, when it comes to dating, your people are out there. You just have to learn how to look. Intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How can this episode help you? Well, my intention is to help you walk into your next date confident and assured. Whether you're seeing someone brand new or long term, I want you to have more rewarding, fulfilling dates. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. And check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all exwithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you wanna ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or or call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, one more thing I have to tell you about Higher Dose. It is the sauna blanket. You might have seen me talk about this on my Instagram, but I have become obsessed with. It is my new self care routine that I do a few days a week. And, and I don't know about you, but I love heat therapy. It's probably one of the oldest therapies in the world. It's been around for thousands of years. And so I used to love going to saunas and I'd go to a place in LA that I could like rent the sauna because it helps me personally. It's helped me with inflammation, it's helped me with sore muscles, it helps me relax. It immediately has this calming presence on my nervous system. Well, Higher Dose has a sauna blanket that you use in your home. I just zip into it for like 30, 45 minutes. And there have been so many incredible benefits. I mean first listen, when you do a healthy sweat like that, it completely boosts my mood. I don't do anything but just lie there. It does calm my nervous system. I feel way less anxious and what I'VE also found is it really paves a path towards creativity. So I feel like when I'm calmer, all the creative ideas flow in that I'm actually craving doing it. This also helps with blood flow and circulation. And I'm telling you, if you've had challenges around orgasm or arousal, this is going to do the ticket for you. I know it's helped me. Also, great for your skin. My skin is glowing and I haven't had any back pain or sore muscles since I started using it. So if you've been wanting to try it or you've heard about it, it is the real deal. It works. So you can check it out. Go to higherdose.com you can use code EMILY. For 15% off, it's higherdose.com use code EMILY. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Before we get started, I just want to remind you all that this podcast episode is a best of and was originally recorded in 2019. So some aspects of the show may be a bit dated, including rain references to gender. I started using penis and Vulva owners around 2020. Should we talk to Jimmy?

Yes, we have Jimmy, who is 38 in Indiana, and he needs tips on how to talk to women.

Hey, Jimmy. I like this question.

Good evening. How's everybody doing?

I'm good. I used to get asked this question a lot, and I totally get it. It's not easy talking to women. Ask me specifically, how can I help you?

I have a couple different examples, like one like, on, like, dating apps and stuff like that. Like, it seems like I'm either. Not like I'm, like, overly aggressive or anything like that, but, like, either. I'm just really seems like I'm playing the long game, like talking, talking all the time and then just goes too long. Or I'm like, hey, you know, maybe we should go out this weekend. And yeah, not yet. And then so many. It's like I can't really find the.

The medium grab, middle ground.

Then like, another one. Yeah, I end up meeting a lot of people, just different places. I was like, I don't know if, like, you know, hey, should I ask for a phone number? Is that even what people do anymore? Like, you know, like, yeah, if you do, you could say your Instagram or what?

Well, a lot of people do Instagram. A lot of people. You could also say, let me give you my number. I'm interested in going out with you. If you want to call me, call me. Like, that's what I've had guys do. So, yeah, that's Something you could do. You could let them know you're interested, and you could also let them know that you're not much of a texter. Here's the thing. We talk about this in the office. I don't want to frigging text on those apps. I don't even want to text anybody. So I. I like to pick up the phone or if you are texting on the app, you want to make sure that you're, you know, noticing something on their profile and you're. You're sending a first message that reflects that you actually read it. And not just to say, hey, happy we met here. Like, something a little bit clever, and then get back to Em. But don't let that go on too long. Like, I think that's the thing, the long game. There's no long game in online dating. In app dating, I think that you just gotta, like, right away, if there's a connection, back and forth, say, hey, let's talk. I'd love to make it, you know, and this might not be popular, everybody, but I like to pick up the phone and talk. Or FaceTime. Even better. And to see, like, is this someone I'd be interested in? Cause you're all trying to meet someone. So I think it's just more like, you know, you could do the playful banter back and forth a few times, but if it's going on for days, like, no, that's a waste of time. And then you're never gonna see this person. Maybe you'll never see this person. And then you had to, like, think of something clever. And I think that you can cut to the chase and let them know that you want to talk or not talk. That's the thing with dating, I think, online. I think the more direct you are and the more you ask for a plan, like, what are you doing this weekend? Let's get a drink, move it along. And then if they're not interested and they don't get back to you, then, you know, and then you unfollow them or you unmatch them. And then in real life, people like to talk about themselves. So ask questions. Be a good listener. Compliments. Does that help you, Jimmy?

Oh, yeah. So, like, the other day, I was. I was getting lunch, and then, like, you know, I was sitting there waiting, and then, like, a couple ladies came in, and so I'm just standing there. Then I just, like, happen to look down, and I say, oh, hey, nice shoes. And then, you know, she goes on and she's like, oh, these shoes. I Got these blah, blah, blah, you know, but we had like a little conversation and then like, she ended up sitting down, but then she had to come back up to the counter to pick something up and I was still there. And then she had asked for like a band aid or something like that because she had a small cut. And so then again, I had ended up making another conversation with her about. About her cut or whatever.

Okay, okay.

You know?

Yeah. Then you could ask her out in.

A situation like that. I don't know.

Listen, you say, hey, this was fun talking to you. Do you want to grab a cup of coffee sometime? Can I give you my number? Do it. Okay. Yeah, just do it. Practice. Find your Jimmy voice.

That was a lost opportunity.

Yeah, you know what? It'll only happen once. Then. Now you know, and even if it's awkward, be like, hey, can I get your number? Just ask. People do that to me all the time. You seem really friendly. You seem like a nice guy. She started talking to you and said, you know what? This was fun. Let's get coffee. Can I get your number? I can give you mine. I've had guys do that. They're like, let me give you my number. Which is kind of like a new thing to do. So they're like, I'll put it in my, you know, so I'm not giving you my number, and it puts it in my hands if I'm interested. So it's kind of a nice, non confrontational way to do it. Okay.

All right.

Try some of those things. Let me know how it goes. Jimmy, I'll be here for you. Thanks for calling. Okay, this is Bethany, 29, from Nashville, and she wants sex, but not casual sex. Hey, Bethany, tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling. Hey. Hey.

Thanks for having me.

Of course.

Well, when I wrote you, I was like, talking about a situation that happened maybe like a year ago, but I haven't had any, like, new situations since then. So it's kind of like, I guess I don't date that much and I don't really know why. It's rare that I have relationships. Like, I've had, like one relationship in my whole life and I'm 29.

Okay.

I'm realizing now, looking back then, I'm like, I just, like, was totally clueless about how, like, the dating world, quote, unquote, works. Like, now I'm like, watching these, like, YouTube channels of, like, these people. Like, Elliot Scott, I don't know if you heard of him, but he's like, giving tips to, like, women like, about dating and, like, how the mind of a man works, which sounds so, like, tried or something. Really helping me and, like, enlightening me right now. I'm like, damn, I wish I saw this like, a year ago.

Give me an example of what made you go, damn, I didn't know that. Like, what are you learning?

Right? There's this guy that I was talking to. He was, like, messaging me on Instagram, but acting, like, super, super interested. And I knew who he was. We, like, liked each other's art and music and stuff. So it was like we had, like, a resonance. And it was like, oh, cool. We were, like, talking about it, and he was like, we should hang out. Like, I really want to hang out with you. And then we did hang out, and it was, like, really good. And, like, I thought that he was someone that was, like, worthwhile to, like, put time into.

I don't know.

I. I guess I just, like, liked him. And then he was. Seemed to be really into me too, and was, like, super excited for, like, three weeks or something. And then kind of just like, stopped.

Right?

Texting me as often. And then I started realizing, like, you know, like, months into it, I'm like, oh, I really like him. But I guess he's only texting me, like, once every two weeks. Like, you know, and I was so, like, monkey mind about it. And then, like. And now there's like a year ago or something. And now I'm finding this. All these YouTub channels that are like, hey, girls, this is what guys do. Like, they actually into you because they have to hook you in. And then they might be, like, trying to keep you using the bare minimum amount of effort. Or, like, if you don't lay down the law or show them what your boundaries or standards are initially, then they're.

Not gonna, like, respect you or something.

Treat you.

Yeah, kind of. I just, like, didn't know that there was all. That was like, a no.

I would stop watching all the channels. This is what I want for you. Not. That's not helpful. And I get it. Like, I wouldn't say stop. I'm saying that there is useful information for sure. If you haven't dated, like, list things, figure things out. But for you, you just haven't had a lot of experience dating. So I. I don't believe in all of these rules. Like, what I believe is that you figure out, like, what you're looking for right now. And I think the thing about dating is you don't really know what's going on with other person Like, I would say that it's all about, like, people date for a few weeks, so they, you know, they might be seeing a lot of people. Like, he might not be looking for whoever it is, he, like, the. The grand heat, right? He's, like, dating a bunch of people. Or maybe he got back to together with his ex. Or maybe he just wanted sex, or he has no time for a relationship. There's a million reasons why relationships don't work out. But women and men, we do this. We blame ourselves. What did I do wrong? I shouldn't have invited back to my house after the second date. That's why. Or why did I wear this skirt? You know, I should have worn pants. You know, who knows? Like, we think of a million things. He didn't like that. You know, I. He didn't like the dinner I made him. Like, we come up with all these things and it's never what we worry about. It's never those things that we obsess about. So I think the most important thing is building your confidence around men and really just being comfortable, like, making friends with guys and dating and just being like. And understanding what you want right now. And I think it is true that everybody on date, like, there is something fun when you're dating someone to kind of like, we don't know where it's going to go. But I think it's important to honestly know. Like, if you're just casually dating right now, you can let people know, like, I'm just dating, or I'm. I'm. I'm looking for, you know, to hang out with people, or maybe you want a boyfriend. So if you do, like, maybe you just date a few people at once and you let people know that, like, I'm looking for something serious, but not right away, or I want to get to know you more. Like, I do think that people appreciate more information. And I think that even if you don't know, you can let them know that you're exploring it. Because I think rather than just kind of pretending that it's nothing and we're all being casual and what's gonna happen, that's when we end up getting hurt and making up all these meanings to things that have no meaning. So I think you just gotta get back out there. Like you said, you don't really know how to date. And I think, like, said, you don't get asked out or you don't meet people. There's a lot of single people. Like, you're in Nashville. Like, there are single people everywhere. There's more single people now in America than ever. So I think the thing about where we don't meet people is because we don't put ourselves out there. Like, you take the same route home from every. From work every day. You go to the same bar with your friends or you hang out with your same three friends. So how you start meeting people is saying yes to those invites. Like, maybe once a week, you say yes to that barbecue that you don't really like. Someone invites you on Facebook, you know those of invites, and you're like, you never look at them, but you're like, oh, I kind of like her. Maybe she'll have cool friends. Or you let people know that you know and trust family and friends that you're single. Like, if you know anyone, like, fix me up. So you start putting that energy out there and you just stop practicing talking to guys and people that you're maybe not even attracted to, but you just have that rapport. So it's not so scary for you. When you go out, you're like, how do I talk to a guy? And then it just becomes second nature. So I would say it's more about you and having confidence in yourself and your work and having a healthy life, having a rich, healthy, full life, I think. And being comfortable in yourself is the way that you start to meet people. Because then you're coming from a good solid place and then you'll be attracting people who are like minded rather than being like, it's a date. What does it mean? You know what I'm saying? This way, it's sort of part of what you're doing right now. You're working, you're seeing your friends, you're working out. You know, you're doing all these other things and that's a part of it. It's not become your singular focus. Because then dating happens as part of a lifestyle. Does that make sense?

Right?

Yeah.

Do you have any other, like, questions around that? Cause I feel like I'm trying to get your question. Cause that you're not that comfortable like dating. And I think that CAS sex and stuff. Like, I think you just kind of casual sex isn't for everybody. You know, like casual sex, it's not like the rules to, like society says you have to have it. Like, some people are just like, I don't like it, right? They're like, no, I can't handle not knowing if someone's gonna call or not being intimate with someone and knowing that they were part of a relationship or that I can trust them. And For a lot of women, the best sex they have is when they're with someone they trust and they know they're gonna see em or they, you're comfortable. But when we're not comfortable or it's new, we feel pressured. That's not when we have the best sex. So you might be someone who right now needs to know somebody. Like, you want to feel like you've gone out, you've had some experiences, and then you feel safe. And then you might even have casual sex and be like, it's still not for me. Or you might learn, like, I've gone through ebbs and flows in my life where I'm into the casual sex and then I'm not. And they're not in a relationship, but you know, it just ebbs and flows. So right now I would say maybe you don't even really know what works for you. So I would practice dating or saying yes to people that you wouldn't. They call it duty dating, but like saying yes to people that you wouldn't normally say yes to. Finding who your type is, finding what you like doing with it. Guy. So kind of start from that place rather than making it about sex.

Damn.

Yeah, damn. Right. Like, just put your, do you have, like, do you go out a lot? Do you do things that you, you know, what do you like doing what's fun for Beth?

I, I, well, I just moved here to this new city.

Okay.

I'm just like working a lot. And then my co worker, like, invited me to show. She's performing at tonight.

Yeah.

And I was like, damn, I don't know if I'm gonna go. And then when you're saying that, I was like, damn, you know, maybe I'm.

Telling you, yeah, I'm telling you you should go. Because whenever I've not wanted to go to something just because I'm tired at home from work and I make myself go. Like, I've been in periods of life where and they come and go where I'm like, no, I gotta be more social. So if you said you were gonna go, just go. And I feel like 99% of the time I do not regret going out. Like, I'm just like, I'm glad I went. You might meet some really cool friends. You just moved to a new city, so it's kind of exciting. Like, you're probably looking for female friends, male friends, everything. So these are the experiences where you meet people. Yes, you can use the apps and all that, but I think actually being comfortable in the new town and it's exciting. Like, it's exciting to move to a city in your 20s where you don't know anybody. Like, I did that, and it was, like, the most time, like, I look back on that. I'm like, how you get to reinvent yourself. You get to, like, you know where you're at in your life right now. So I would think about. I would kind of, like I said, work on developing a really rich life right now. Like, healthy life, surrounded by good people. And it's just gonna happen for you.

That's true. I feel like I'm like. Want to, like, have intimacy with people, but I guess I just, like, have to wait because I have to, like, know if I can trust them.

Oh, because you're one of. Yeah. I mean, no, I'm not saying you have to. Maybe you try it and you're like, oh, that didn't work for me. There are no rules here. You get to decide your own rules. Like, so everyone gets sets of their own rules. So, you know, if you decide you want sex, you can go out and find sex. You. You get to decide. Like, some people are like, I just. That sucks. And I get to. Because when we get to decide, like, you can decide if you don't want to call someone as well. So I think just meet that person, and then in the moment, you can decide, what do I want? Not the other way around. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's some people who are like, I've been having casual sex for two years, and it doesn't feel good. I'm like, okay, here's your practice. Go out with someone and don't sleep with them for a month, right? But you're not in that position right now. I don't know what you're like, Bethany, I don't know. So you might not know either. So you might find someone in the next few days you like, and you want to go out with them again, and maybe this weekend you guys will make out. Who knows? So I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I think you should just trust your gut and your feelings and check in with yourself. How does it feel? And, like, yeah, I think it's probably better to take things slow and get to know someone. But, you know, if you don't just need to sleep with someone, see how that makes you feel. You never know. A lot of things work for everybody. But what I'm saying for you is, we don't know yet. So just keep checking in with yourself and just go out and meet Some people I've met, a lot of my guys, a lot of people I've dated are through other friends and shared experiences.

Definitely. Well, like, with the person that I was talking about earlier, like, it did feel, like, super, right? And then I ended up being like.

Let me tell you why I wasn't right. I'm gonna tell you this. And I fled to go. Let me tell you why I wasn't right. Because you were new at dating. You said he was texting you every two weeks. So for a lot of people that wouldn't feel right, I'd be like, where'd you go? Like, two weeks? Like, to me, it's like, you know, like, you wanna talk more often. So there probably were signs there. Like, when you were with them, it was probably great. But then, you know, maybe you got busy in your life. But I would say there were probably signs that it wasn't perfect in the sense of, like, you probably. There were signs that he was seeing other people or that was going to drop off. You know what I'm saying? So let that experience go from a year ago, because it sounds like we tend to hang on to our last experience that was the most intense. So let's let that go. Your new. Your new Bethany in a new city. Go out tonight. I think you're way in your head about this, and I just want you to go out and have fun, make new friends. Figure out where you love to go. Let people love meeting new people. Like, it's so fun, you know, you're just bringing yourself to the table and you're going to start to, like, meet new people and have new experiences, and then everything else is gonna follow. So don't trip on this last guy and what it meant. People are doing a whole bunch of different things right now. When you meet him, you never know. So I don't think that means anything. Okay. You got this, Bethany. Just go out and figure out who you are.

Okay, I will. Thank you, Emily. Yes, you're so welcome, Bethany. Let me know how it goes. You got this. Have fun tonight. Go out. Okay. Leave your house now. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm going to just go shower, get out the door. You'll be so happy, I promise. You have a good night. Thank you, Emily. Okay, bye. But you're so welcome, sweetie. I wanted to get to the bottom of that because I knew. I knew that, like, we're holding onto things and we're so in our heads. But I'm telling you guys, just getting out there, letting people know you're Single. It's not that like people don't like you or you're broken. I just think that's how you meet people, is being involved, having a rich life. Like, and what I mean by that is like doing things outside of work. We're all tired. At the end of the day, it's so much easier to go home and watch TV than it is to go out and meet people. But I'm telling you, once you do it and once you start to say once a week, I'm going to have experience. I promise you, that's how you build your social circle. That's how you're going to meet people you're into. And that's what we, that's what people find attractive too, is people who have a lot going on in a real genuine way, not in like a fake way, like you got to build yourself up, but like people who love life are attracting people who also love life and are attracted to that energy. So be the person you want to find. After the break, more of your relationship questions. So don't go anywhere foreign.

This is from David, 35, in Washington. I've been single for seven years. The past three, I've been actively looking for someone for a serious relationship, but I've had a lot of trouble. I'm a single full time dad and have been through a lot and know what I'm looking for. But when I talk to women about what I want and how I am in a relationship and how I'm up to doing things that are more open, open and adventurous with my partner, which has only turned into being badgered about how I'm not ready for a real woman or attachment, I'm at a loss. I'm not one to lead into a relationship without having everything out on the table. Advice, please. All right, David, I love that you're speaking up ahead of time and letting these women know what you actually want, but I can kind of see where the problem is here. So he's thinking, I'm saying open and adventurous. And they should be like, wow, tell me more. What kind of adventures? Let's go be open. Let's go swing. No. Do you know what they're thinking? They're going, they're calling their friends going, this dude, David wants to be open. Adventures. He wants an orgy. He wants threesomes. He wants to sleep with six women at one time. That's what they're hearing. I'm guessing. This is why I always talk about really breaking down your communication, that just stating what you want is a Great first step, because so many of us, we start a new relationship, we never explain what we want. We just sort of pretend we want what they want, but we don't tell them that we actually have a really adventurous side, or we might be dating other people, and we just keep it quiet, and then we suffer silently. So you are not doing that, David. That was a great first step. The next step is going to be letting them know what you mean by that. I'm gonna have to put words in your mouth here, but I wouldn't even mean open and adventurous. I mean, I think I wouldn't even lead with that. What I might say, let's just pretend this is was David's intent. He's dating a new woman. He's a single dad. He can't wait to have a serious relationship. He said he's looking for a serious relationship. Like he wants that. So he leads with this. I've really been looking for someone. You know, what I want right now is a serious relationship. I'm not looking for a mother of my child, but I'm looking for someone that I commit to. I'm not totally ready to move in together yet, but I'd really like to be with one person. I also want to be with somebody who shares my values on sex. What's really important to me in my sexuality is to be with someone who is open to exploring, someone who's more adventurous, somebody who likes to try toys, someone who will watch porn with me. Somebody who, I don't know, maybe you want a threesome. Somebody who. I've. In the past, I've had threesomes, and that's been a big part of my ability to get aroused. I think it'd be hot to see you with another woman. I mean, break this down because we think we're saying it and then we walk away. And since we don't understand things, we just. We go. It goes awry, and our partner, it gets confused. So I think clarifying what adventures means to you is really going to help you, David.

We have Penny, 54, in Texas. She wants to know how to transition from a sex site into a dating site.

Penny, I'm so curious about this, so tell me more.

I've been in a sexless marriage for about 10 years. About four years ago, when I turned 50, I decided I should be having sex. And if my husband didn't want to have it with me, then I should have it with somebody else. So some friends recommended some sex sites, and so I went on them, and I've had A lot of fun. But now I'm going through a divorce. Not because of this, for other reasons, obviously, but I'm going through a divorce. And so now I'm looking to have a real relationship, But I'm finding it hard to go into a real relationship and meet somebody without wanting to, of course, inquire about their sex life.

Yeah, of course. I mean. Yeah, Penny, this. Okay, so first of all. Okay, so what, I'm just curious what the sex sites that you were on, what are those sex sites? Because I want to understand. Maybe you could tell me more about how it worked. Like, was it just like, this is what I want at this time? And there was no emotional attachment to anybody.

So when I first started going on it, of course there was emotional attachment, but that was like scaring the men off or whatever, because obviously they were in it for sex and I was in it to try to find something else. So then I. I turned my emotions off, and then it just became a physical thing.

Okay. And that was satisfying to you. So now. So now. Right. Okay. I think this is such a great question, Penny, because I believe that we need to figure out if we are sexually compatible with someone. That's even more important than, like, finding out if you like the same music or you like the same movies or, you know, you, values are important. We both value family. Do we value health? I mean, that stuff is important. But sex, selling, that we just never talk about. We think we're just going to figure it out. So I think that it's sort of like, you know, when you go out with someone, I think, how do you usually do it now, like, do you just meet them out for a date or do you talk on the phone?

Well, so that's a problem that I haven't actually met anybody from the legitimate site. So from the sex site, I met a lot of people. I did not have sex with every one of them, obviously, But I met more people on these sites. I am not having any luck. But it's also when I'm having dialogue with them, I'm trying to be so cautious about what I say that I think I'm not being personable enough.

Right, right. When you say talking, are you about talking? Texting.

Yeah, we're texting.

Okay, so listen, this is what I think, and this is. This has worked for Kristen datesonline. This has helped Kristen. This helped many people that I think you should set up a FaceTime date. You can even line up a bunch of them back to back before you even meet them. So you Know, like, do I even want to take the time out of my day or my evening to meet with someone and start to talk to them and get a vibe for them and like, because I don't do the options. I just don't like texting. I'd rather meet someone and all this stuff. So you can say that like, let's hop on a call. First of all, it saves you a lot of time and trying to have to be clever and trying to be whatever. They get the vibe of the personnel and then you can just ask them questions then. I'm not necessarily about sex. Like you can be like, how important is sex to you? You know, you can learn, you can kind of figure out what feels comfortable you. But I just think if you're starting to get on the regular sites, the non sex sites, that that breaking that ice with a FaceTime call could be really helpful for you.

So I'm just very cautious about giving out my phone number because I had an incident when I was on the sex site that somebody took my phone number and did that reverse lookup and paid to have find my information and got my address and all that stuff and kind of stalked me.

Oh no. Okay.

Yeah, so it's so I'm so.

Oh, I don't. Then don't do that. Okay, so maybe what about Skype? Could you get like a, Is there like a fake, like a Finster, but for Skype you get a fake Skype account. I would do Skype. Okay, yeah, do it that way.

But then set up so I have at work, but obviously I'm not.

Yeah, don't do the work. Skype.

Just like set up a Skype.

Set up a Skype number. Yeah, set a Skype at home. I think everyone has Skype. If not they're going to get Skype. If they want to talk to you, they can figure it out. So I think that would be a great way to do it. Yeah, do that, do Skype. Because I just think it saves us all a lot of time because it's just really hard to be texting back and forth. So I would try to do that. And then when you, when you actually.

Find something, the thing is I'm not getting past, I'm not getting past the first like, how are you? How are you doing? Kind of questions to even like say let's talk on the phone kind of thing. I'm just not understanding what I'm doing wrong.

Well, what is exactly happening? So you're matching with someone. Which site are you on, for example?

So I'm on a couple, so I'm on match.com and I'm on Bumble.

Okay.

Bumble is probably too close to the other site that I was on, so. But I mean, there are. There do seem to be some really nice guys, but I'm just not meeting anybody. And I don't. I'm, you know, I just totally do not want to go to this sex site. I've totally.

What are the sex sites? I gotta know which sex sites you're on. Can you tell me what sex sites?

Adult Friend Finder. Adult Friend Finder.

Okay, I forgot. Yeah, Adult Friend Finder. All right, so I think that Hinge. People are loving Hinge right now. I feel like every year there's like a new one and people are loving Hinge. Right. Jamie? Kristen? I feel like Hinge Tell. It's a little. It's a dating site. You guys want to talk about it?

It's. It's a dating. It's a dating app.

Dating app.

Yeah. It's just. It's different in the sense of like, you don't necessarily swipe on people. So you have pictures. Like when you set it up, you put in pictures the same way, but then you have like, you have to pick three prompts. So they're questions. So it's like, you should not go out on a date with me if. Or let's debate. And it like you put, you know, little questions like that or like your perfect Saturday, it looks like this. And then you. When you're looking through your match, like matches, it'll say, oh, they liked this picture of you or they liked the this comment of you. And you can comment back or if you're going through, you can like that. You can like a comment or like a thing. And you can invite them to start the chat that way too. Okay, so if you match together then.

And is that a free one or is that a pay one?

Free.

It's free. I would try that out and don't give up. You know, keep going with it. Penny, I'm not sure. Yeah, okay, so let me know. Goes. I'm sign up for it.

Can I ask another question? So I am 54 and I'm a little. Okay, I'm a little overweight, but I'm doing keto right now. So I'm losing weight, but I'm very comfortable in my skin. But I was. I'm looking for obviously a man who's very good looking to me and that I find attractive and stuff. And I'm not getting that match. So Am I like way on left field to try to want that?

No, not at all. Not at all. Listen, confidence is such a sexy thing, Penny. So keep doing you. You are not off track at all and you will find that person. So. No, you're not. And the other thing that you used to remind when you said your age because you're 54, there's an app called another dating app called Our Time and it's for people over 50. And I have a friend who got married on it. She met someone and got married. So I. I hadn't heard a lot about it, but that's another option.

I did. I did. I thought about that. One my only. And here's my vein. Thing is I'm 54, but I don't think I look 54. Most of my friends don't tell me that.

I.

Tell me that I look like I'm in my early 40s.

Yeah, but just try it. Listen, just try it. You tried that sex. Why not? If you don't like it, you'll get off of it. I think it's great to diversify. Exactly. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. Penny. Yes? Do it.

So this next one is from Josh, who is 43 in Colorado. Hello, Dr. Emily. Big fan. I was in a 15 year marriage that ended and I'm now on dating apps mostly. But what I experience is this. The women I'm interested in want a long term relationship. And I'm not saying that I don't, but I'm also not saying that I do. The women who want to just date, I'm usually not interested in. I feel bad on dates if women are looking to be married or at least monogamous. And I can't say that is what I want. But it's not that I don't want it. I know it's what I want with the right person. But how do you handle this? What if you love dating someone but you don't want to marry them? But in the beginning they communicate that they do. It's like everyone is jumping from first date to joint bank account. I want to see more than one person a while and then maybe get exclusive and then we will see. It's like a three year process. And the women I date who I find wonderful, hot and amazing want to be married yesterday. So what does one do?

All right, thanks, Josh, for your question and it's good to hear from you. So this makes sense. You're married for 15 years and you're back on the apps and a lot of women, they are looking for long term commitments. They are looking for marriage, as are a lot of men. But you can let someone know that you'd like to date casually and that that's what you're looking for right now. You can be totally honest. I just got out of a marriage. I'm kind of figuring out what my next steps are. I'm looking to spend some time with a few people. Eventually maybe you want to be in a longer term relationship, but right now you don't want to jump in right away. You can let them know that I agree with you that it does take time and I sort of date more like you do. I feel like I why? How should we know after a few dates if this is something we want to move forward with and have a relationship? I think that if you are dating a few people at once and you're really honest about it to everybody and to yourself, then you get to kind of see, well, what's out there. Who am I now? Who is Josh? As a 43 year old man who got out of a 15 year marriage, you might not know what kind of woman you're looking for, what kind of relationship you want. So there's nothing wrong with you wanting this. But I think the big thing here is communication, being upfront on the app. Say you're not looking for something serious and you are open to whatever happens, just let them know. Put it out there so everyone's on the same page.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I can give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to ACAD for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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