How to Heal Low Self Worth to Build a Fulfilling Sex Life l ft. Tara Schuster

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For better or worse, the first place you find safety, real, everlasting safety, is with yourself. So finding confidence, finding self worth, getting over this abusive relationship, forgiving herself that she's having these things. It's just normal to have trauma responses like this. And she doesn't need to re traumatize herself by forcing it. I think we just need to be way more gentle with ourselves and and when we suffer, recognize it.

You're listening to Sex with em. Hi, I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you heal the parts of yourself that feel broken and discover the love you've always deserved. So many of us were never taught how to take care of ourselves emotionally, mentally or sexually. We're told to hustle, to perform, to please, but not how to feel safe in our own bodies or how to build a life where we actually feel good. That's why I'm so excited to bring you this conversation with Tara Schuster, author, speaker and emotional wellness advocate. Tara is known for turning personal chaos into radical self care. And in this episode she shares her powerful journey from hot mess to healing and the tools she used to reparent herself. Along the way, we talk about what it really means to become the loving parent you never had. How to soothe your nervous system, set boundaries, speak kindly to yourself, and show up in relationships with confidence and clarity. My intention is for this episode to be a reminder you are worthy of love, care and pleasure. Not someday, but now. Healing doesn't require perfection. It just asks for honesty, intention and the Willingness to start. All right, let's begin. Hi, Tara.

Good to see you finally.

Tara and I have also become friends. We met through our mutual friend Jennifer Freed, and we were instantly connected. Love when that happens. Your book was good.

The vibe was good.

The vibe was good. We had a lot.

We were like immediate friends. And immediately I was like, emily, can you help me with my sex life? Just like full vulnerability. It's been such a, like, treat to get to know you. And it's always fun to talk to like an actual friend.

Yes, exactly. So that's why this is going to be even more fun. So we talk a lot about confidence and self confidence on this show and we will even more in this episode. But you went through this whole healing journey about yourself, your body, your relationships, and you wrote your first bestseller all about this journey. But then you realized, which I love because a lot of us do work and we're like, okay, I'm done. Let me move on and learn to play golf. But you realize that there's still more work to be done even when you start on this path. So tell us about that night in the desert where you realize, oh, there's still some stuff I gotta do here.

Yeah, it's so annoying when you realize, oh, no, healing isn't a one shot deal. Like, I'm not done. Back up a little and say why I needed healing to begin with, which was I had grown up in a neglectful, psychologically abusive household where things came to die. There was no hex, but my parents didn't know how to nurture anything, much less children. And, you know, I'm taking a whole book and condensing it into like two sentences. But basically I left my childhood thinking I was worthless, that my body was wrong, that I was bad. And this one phrase kept repeating itself to me. Nobody cares about me. Nobody cares about me. I felt so alone. And so I self medicated with weed and made tons of bad decisions with boys and was basically pouring Pinot noir into my soul in an attempt that, well, maybe this will help. And it didn't. But at the same time, I was really, really good at work. And so I, you know, work was my salvation. Work was my validation. Basically, nobody knew that I was suffering from severe anxiety and depression due to this neglected childhood until I hit rock bottom on my 25th birthday when I drunk dialed my therapist, threatening to hurt myself. And she, this super calm stable European woman who always, like, looked, you know, so reserved, she was leaving me voicemails trying to find me. And they sounded desperate. And when I heard that, how scared she was, then I got scared. And I thought, if I don't save my life, I'm not going to have much of a life to live. And so my first book by yourself, the Fucking Lilies, is all about just attacking the problem of can I find stability? Like, can I just be content? I don't want to suffer through my whole life. My inside internal monologue is, you're ugly, you're bad, you're not worthwhile, you'll never succeed. You're too old to succeed. I was 25 and telling myself there was no way forward. And so over the course of five years, I did heal myself. And that's what Lilies is all about. And of course, when you heal yourself and you're like, oh, I'm all done. This is over. And it's like the moment you say that, something hits you. For me, it was, I lost my job at Comedy Central. You said this. I had staked my identity to that job because first off, I thought it made me less of a weirdo. You know, none of my friends could relate to my predicament. Now I know so many people can relate. But then I felt really alone. And so this super glamorous job where I'm in charge of Key and Peele's show and David Spade show, I could point to that and say, ta da. Like, I'm not only, you know, doing well, I'm slaying, I'm killing it. Aren't you jealous of this glamorous life I lead? It was status for me. Like, I. I'll admit that. And so when the job was pulled away from me, I was like, wait, who am I? I have invested every ounce of myself into this job. I don't even know how to function without a boss telling me what to do, where to be. And in that vacuum, all of these new traumas boiled to the surface. The things that I thought would overwhelm me if I ever tried to deal with them. Like, I thought, yeah, yeah, yeah, I healed enough. But, like, these things, these feelings, I don't really have to deal with. So over the course of five years, I created a 600 page Google Doc with questions like. Like, it was. It was a lot. I'm extra, if you haven't noticed by now. And I created all these rituals that are so basic but actually really changed my life and are available to everybody. And that's what Lilly's is all about. Even something simple like journaling has profound effects. So I'd done all this work I'm feeling really good about myself, stable. The rug is pulled out from under me. I lose my job, I have all this trauma just like surging. I cannot control it. I don't have the power to control it. And I thought, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work harder. I'm going to move to Arizona and help in the 2020 election and not deal. And so I packed up my Prius of Doom, I grabbed my Vitamix and my Nespresso machine. The only things that matter to me got in my car, hightailed it to Arizona. And I was driving in the Mojave Desert from LA to Arizona to Flagstaff, Arizona, when I had the worst associative episode of my life. And if you haven't had one, it basically feels like you're full body sick and your mind is trying to take you away from reality to protect you. You know, I'd look at my hands on the steering wheel, but they didn't look like my hands at all. And I decided, you know, I'm going 95, and if you know me, I should not be going 95 miles an hour in the middle of this love child between a panic attack and a dissociative episode. And I realize, whoa, I'm not safe. I have to pull over. Never in my life had I pulled over. I had just, you know, bought into the creative hustle, you know, like, keep going and working and that's your identity and that's actually your passion and who you are. I had never questioned it. And so I pulled over. It was late at night, I looked up and I saw the stars, like really saw the stars for the first time in many, many years. And in la, there's so much light pollution, I don't think you even could.

You don't see the stars here. That's. It's so remarkable. People know when you leave the city is when you see the stars.

And it's not exactly. And as I looked up to the stars, you know, the one thing I knew about stars is we come from stars. Not in a this will make you feel better, let me write it on a Etsy mug kind of way. But in a. The carbon in your muscles, the iron in your blood, you come from stars. And the stars glow no matter what. They come together because of pressures and gravity and nuclear chain reactions and all this super, super stressful things pull together stars and they glow. And we all, like in a super fractured world, we all agree stars are awesome. Nobody's dissing Stars, you know.

Exactly. We give them a birthday present. Like I could name a star after you. Like, stars are not. Not controversial. Star getting non. Right.

Yeah. It's a non controversial topic. And they like bring out a little awe in us when we look up. And so that's what Glow in the Effing Dark is all about. It's about, can I recover my stardust self? The what I was made out of in the beginning, before all the trauma, before all the bs, before the job defining me, who was I? Can I bring that person out?

How did you set out to do that? How is that different from Lily's? Did you tap back into what you already had known what was the next layers now that you had to peel back?

Yeah, now that I look at it, I realize I couldn't have experienced my soul. I'm making a wild claim here in Glow in the Effing Dark. Glow in the f ing Dark. I'm saying you can get right with your soul that I have spent time with my soul and I feel good about my soul. But in order to say something so woo woo. And like, wait, what? No, that's like a bombastic claim. I had to do all the work of lilies. I had to build a content stable container basically for my life, you know, that had rituals that gave me order. And then once I had done that, I could dig much deeper and you know, find out what did the little girl inside of me, what did the stardust self really want? And that's the journey of Glow in the Fucking Dark.

I love when you talk about these practices because the practices you developed, you said you developed them out of spite. And this is kind of sounds like the whole stardust thing. You're too like, I'm not going to really be like about stardust. I'm not putting this out of mug, but it kind of like your whole attitude is like, I fucking hate this. I'm never going to meditate, I'm never going to do breath work, I'm never going to journal. And then it's out of sight despite you commit to them and turns out they work.

I am an optimist, but I'm also extremely reluctant and judgmental. So like first off, I'm not like a meditation person sitting upon a pillow with patchouli burning all around me. I'm like, I want to go do karaoke tomorrow night. Who is coming with me? So my vibe is just not that out there, for lack of a better word. So all of these rituals, I'm really skeptical of you Know, I'll take an example of having a gratitude practice. I left my childhood believing I had nothing to be grateful for. You know, why would you be grateful for living in an open construction site as your house? Why would you be grateful for your parents going through a 12 year divorce? Why? And I was actually on vacation with a super duper privileged person. It was her family's compound in Maine. I don't have any second home, much less a compound. And her cousin who had gone to Harvard, become a professional ballerina before becoming a doctor, like, wow, okay, I guess there are some people like that. She's so accomplished. And I was having a panic attack on this vacation about two different boys who didn't like me. And you know, I was just like ruminating thoughts about them and anxiety and why don't they like me? And I'm unlovable. That was what was going on in my mind. And she saw me having a mental breakdown. The ballerina medical cousin. And she said, why don't you try a gratitude practice? You know, gratitude brings such perspective into your life and positivity. And I was like, why don't you leave me the fuck alone? Are like, are you kidding me? A gratitude practice could work for already happy people who had the means to go to these places and do these things, but it couldn't benefit me. So I wanted to prove a point that she was super wrong and out of touch. And that is the only reason I started a gratitude practice. I started really small. My list from the time and a gratitude practice is you. You list things you're grateful for every day. There are many different gratitude practice, but that's the basic. And for me, I listed 10 things I was grateful for every day. And so it started with, you know, like, number one, I am not grateful. Number two, this is bullshit. Number three, I hate this person. I won't name her, but like, why am I even doing this? And then I was like, okay, I'm grateful for espresso. I'm grateful for clean sheets. I'm grateful for water. Water is kind of a big deal. I'm grateful for my health. Oh my God, my health. I hadn't even noticed that I had been taking my health for granted. And by faking gratitude, I like could make gratitude because it opened my eyes to how much I really did have as opposed to looking at what I didn't have. You know, it flips the narrative of I don't have enough and shows you, well, you have quite a bit on paper. And so for me, yeah, most of These practices I only began because I wanted to be self righteous, prove somebody else wrong. I didn't believe it and was like, I got to see this with my own eyes. I can't even think of a time where I was taken in by something and just thought that'd be fun to try. I'm very judgmental and I could say that too.

I've had our time with the gratitude thing too. I have a really close friend and she was like, look, every day my friend and I send each other these three gratitude every night. We've been doing it for a year. And I've actually, like, I'm an expert of studying other people's gratitude practices, but I haven't perfected it yet. But that's what worked for her was having accountability partner in that. Or, you know, and when I do remember to do it, like at night, I try to think about what went right today rather than what went wrong. And that's kind of a love. I just love that you were able to find this healing habit because really it's all a habit. Finding how it works for you and then continuing to do it, like, even just for a few days. Like, that's like giving people permission right now just to try it for a few days. The other part of gratitude that I loved in your book is you have started the gratitude practice, but then you started a body gratitude practice. The thing about the body stuff is hard. Like, there's so many times where I tell my listeners, like, stand in front of the mirror, look at your body, say what you're grateful for. I'm even saying it in that tone because I'm thinking you. I mean, you don't even be naked in the mirror and be thankful for my knees and my toes. But I know that it works, right? And so I know that and I know it's a big difficult step for many people. So tell us about your journey.

Absolutely. You know, first off, if you feel like you hate your body, of course everybody does. It's not like a moral failing. It just makes sense. We live in a culture that tells us to hate our bodies, so we buy stuff, right? So just first thing, if you hate your body, you are normal. Second thing is I developed boobs, like, early, right, in life. And I always considered myself to have a matronly bosom. And it was like this mass was just attached to my torso and I didn't know what to do with it. And even in college I remember being like, I am a less attractive Velma from Scooby Doo. I Would place my boobs in what I call a boob shelf, which is remember like, like I would go to the Gap and get they. It had no underwire. It was just a place to put your boobs, basically, and like, no definition. So I just, I felt horrible and I wasn't taking any steps to help myself. And it might have kept going this way, except I was buying a dress, you know, I looked at and I'm like, it was ruched. And ruching is the sworn enemy of the big chested. It is almost impossible to pull that off. And I'm like, ugh, no, it's just yet another thing I can't wear. And she said, well, have you tried a good bra? And I was like, no, what? Like that sounds too fancy, expensive. I hate my boobs. Why would I honor them? And that's when I realized, wait a second. What if I tried the complete opposite of how I feel, which is to honor my breasts and treat them to a delicate Parisian lace bra that gives me definition. And that's exactly what I did. And these bras were like $100. It wasn't cheap. It was within my means, like a little bit of a struggle at that point to even consider a hundred dollar bra, right? But it completely changed my whole life because I was no longer totally critical of myself. Instead, I was taking a step to make my body fun. You know, my, my boobs look amazing in a pink mesh bra with a giant bow on them. And that's for me. You know, I get to see that when I'm getting dressed in the morning. And so body gratitude is really about reframing our bodies as miraculous machines slash sculptures. How'd your body even come about? You know, how did the stars know to make you? How does your body know what it's doing? How can it have babies automatically? How can it do any of these things? And so I started just getting into the awe and wonder of my body. Like, whoa, it can run. Why? Like, why is that the case? You know? And, and thanking my body like, oh, yes, thank you, lungs. Thank you running.

Thank you.

Really seeing everything that it did do. Honoring myself with different rituals, like a luxurious bath, right? And thinking like, this is for my tummy that I hate is this beautiful bubble bath where I'm going to celebrate that. Wow, I have enough food to eat. I actually am alive and have a tummy. That means I'm alive. Like I'm here, right? And so it's all about finding what can you be grateful for. Not in a woo woo faux Grateful way. There's all this debate about body positivity. Body. Like, I don't want to be a part of anybody's conversation about my body. It's mine, it's mine. I don't care what you think about yours. That's your own business. While I'm alive, I'm going to feel very grateful for mine. And it definitely was a process, but I cannot even believe that I don't hate my body anymore.

I thought it was amazing. When you write that you would never wear a bikini. I love all your footnotes because first I used to never bikini. Now you're bikini. And then you're like, crop tops. I'll never wear a crop top. And then you're like, update. I am wearing a crop top now. I'm like, girl, it's just so real.

I love. I went from the ultimate crop top hater where I was like, wait, where's the rest of the shirt? You can't charge me full price. This is not okay to whoa. My body is actually awesome. I am going to be flaunting this midriff as much as I can. I never wore bikinis. I was so afraid. I was like, I'm so ugly and gross and boys won't like me if they see my body to through body gratitude being like, I'm sexy as hell. I'm not taking a bikini off ever. Like, there's no age at which I think it would be inappropriate to gleefully display my body in the exact way that I want. So yeah, my, my opinion does change, you know, and definitely as an author, I was afraid to write a follow up to Lilly's where I said, whoa, I had more problems because I thought people might say, well, if you're a self care expert, look, your life was still a mess. But actually the real truth is we all swing between these things and we all change our minds. And, and I think people can relate to that because I'm not trying to make everything look really good.

Well, I think that is so relatable and real. It just illustrates the fact that we are never done. And people ask me like, you must have the perfect relationship and the perfect sex. Like, I'm totally. I am a real person. I have the same struggles as everyone else said. Sometimes I don't want sex. Sometimes I don't feel great in my body. You know, it's like you're never done. Coming back to how self worth kind of affects our sex lives because, well, this can also tie into the body image because I'm sure it Helped you being in the bedroom with a bra that you felt good rather than not. You told me that low self worth makes authentic sex impossible. You were saying that you were having sex in the dark before, which I think is very relatable for so many people. So why is healing the relationship with yourself so important to having healthy intimacy with yourself and others?

Yeah, I'm so glad you asked this question because I don't even think any. Like, we know what intimacy is first off, and then we second off definitely don't know what intimacy is. If we are not intimate with ourselves, it always begins with us. And people are reluctant to do self care because they're like, it's narcissistic and selfish and shouldn't you be helping the world? And I lovingly remind people, aren't you a member of your community? Aren't you a part of the world? If you are unhealthy, you are our weak link. So let's localize this. Let's do what we actually can. Let's make change in the one place we absolutely know we can with ourselves and take responsibility. So self care, when done authentically and not like a day at the spa, is always community care. And so if you can't be intimate with yourself, if you can't have some amount of body, gratitude, honesty, like not having to fake your life, having self compassion, not beating yourself up all the time, if you can't do those things, how will you do them with other people? And it's a cliche for a reason. You know, if you can't love yourself, it was really hard to love anyone else. And it's tied to self worth. What happens when we have low self worth? We shrink from our lives. We put other people down. We're afraid to be vulnerable because we don't want to feel any worse. There are all these other consequences to having low self worth that affect all of your relationships. Not even just sexual, but literally every relationship in your life. And especially if it's intimate and sexual, because as you said, I could only have sex in the dark, all the lights off, no candles, like pitch black. I don't want you to see my body. That's not very sexy or inviting either for me. Doesn't set the mood for me to feel like I can experiment with things and be tender and soft when I'm bracing and scared. So it's not good for you. It's not good for your partner either because again, what does it say? I don't trust you. I'm scared. I'm entering into this as, like, the smallest version of myself. And I'm not knocking anyone who has sex in the dark because, again, I was there. But now that I'm in the light and actually love myself, which, you know, I almost hesitate to say because as I say it, it still sounds cheesy to me, but it's a huge accomplishment if you can just even like yourself. And it opens you up to be open and vulnerable and soft with the people around you. And so that's why self worth is so tied to sex. Because what is more intimate than sex? Yeah, Very little. What does it say about our culture that we cringe when we say self love? You know, like, you take a step back and like, wait, why is that a cringy statement? You know, it's because we're told not to take care of ourselves. Taking care of ourselves is selfish. We should do everything in the external world, but nothing internally. It's only like a sick society where admitting that you actually have compassion for yourself is, like, so cringy and bad. And how dare she say that?

Oh, my God, such a great point. What is wrong with us? Stay right where you are. After the break, Tara and I are answering all your questions. I would love your help answering listener questions. A lot of people written in about body, confidence, and dating, and we didn't even get into your dating stories. But I knew you'd be able to help us here because you have so many wonderful, relatable stories in the book. I would say they're wonderful. They're helpful. Let's say that.

And you. They were terrible for me, but I'm glad they were helpful for you.

They're a delight to read, but they didn't sound so much fun. I'm glad I wasn't there. This is from Ruby 34 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been dealing with extreme disappointment in dating for several years now. Burnout doesn't feel like a strong enough word for it. I want to find a partner. I want to have the kind of amazing sex I've always craved. I'm open to the fact that those things don't have to happen at the same time or from the same person. Yet dating is a consistent disappointment. Whether I'm on apps at single events, speed dating, matchmakers, you name it, I've tried it with no success, neither for relationships nor quality sex partners. I've said to my therapist the most discouraging part is that no matter how much effort I put into dating or taking a break from dating or learning or working on myself. The other half finding another person is still entirely out of my control. The best case scenario I can manage of my own volition is dodging bullets. I'm at the point where I'm going to see a professional dom just to feel present in my sexuality again, which I feel no shame over. But that's not a financially viable long term solution. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel hopeless. Do you have any advice at all, please? So just to recap here, basically Ruby is saying that she's burnt out with dating. She's kind of at this, like it's never going to work. I'm trying to find a sex partner. I'm trying to find a long term partner, matchmaker, speed dating and she just can't find someone. Sounds like she's done a lot of work, but she's at this point of burnout. And I know you've kind of been there, Tara, what would you say would be some steps to get her going here?

First off, Ruby, this is 100% relatable to me. I, I'd say for 10 years was dating in a way that was just disappointment after disappointment. Relationships came to feel bad. They weren't fun, they were just always a terrible experience. What I was craving was someone else to validate me. So I'd put up with basically anything as long as someone would do one nice thing for me. I basically, to quote Taylor Swift, I realized, hi, it's me, I'm the problem. It's me. I, I took a year off dating to be in therapy to learn how to be with myself. You know, I take myself on dates at restaurants. I mean, I experimented a little bit with like vibrators and stuff like that. I wanted these things, but I thought if I can give them to myself, if I can get more intimate with this, I'm probably going to have better luck in the external world. And by taking that year off, I really did. I pretty immediately fell in love and had a relationship. Didn't end so well. But I got to feel what it was like to have a fun relationship again. So she mentions that she took some time off. I just ask, was it intentional? Was it like intentional with I'm going to nurture myself or, or was it something's wrong with me and I'm alone and I'm just, I need to do this step, you know, did she make it lovely for herself? That that would be my first question. And then I just think this is also, Ruby is not alone. This is normal to me to feel this way about relationships. So I'd also just say there's so many people with you on this one.

Yeah, those are all, all great points there. Because I feel like what's so relatable is that she feels like she's tried it all. And then in reading this here, it says, she says it's a disappointment. She says she's dodging a bullet. Kind of feels like she thinks that everybody's a disappointment. And so I feel like that's sort of two sides of the same coin here. She's saying, like, it's not been working out, but also, like, to feel that everyone else's disappointment is another way of saying, like, Ruby, you're probably not in a place where you're able to even see people right now. Like, it's probably like you're going to find the negative in everybody because you've had a series of disappointments. And so really taking intentional time. And I did it years ago. I called it a manatorium. It was like a moratorium on men. And I announced it on the show, and I was like, I am taking six months and I am not dating. And I actively like, having an accountability partner, too, was so helpful. I had my listeners. I was like, all right, week one, you know, week two. And the why it's so great is because you really could do all the things that you truly want to do without even thinking. Thinking about dating. I think that our society puts so much pressure on. If you're single, it's just a stopover. You should be with someone else. You're only half a person right now. Such a relief, too, to say, I'm just taking this whole thing off the plate. Like, I think about dating. What do I want to do? Who am I without a partner? And really taking steps, being accountable, whether it's like starting the course or looking for the new job or new workout routine or whatever it is that's just really about your mental health and your physical health or whatever it is that you need to work on. And you do that for a period of time. When you come back to it, it can't help but feel different, refreshed, renewed. And the people that you're going to find, you'll look at a lot differently. The people that are attracted to you and that you're attracted to are going to look a bit, little bit different because you did something different to grow.

If I could add one thing to this that really helped me, and I'm just sorry I didn't remember it immediately, was, you're lucky to be single. I'm lucky to be single because there was a time in which, you know, women had to get married for financial support, protection, and it was just what was done. And now the fact that we have options and that you can lead a life where you support yourself and get to spend time with yourself and get to know yourself, there's a different way to look at this, which is, wow, go. You use this time super wisely. Feel gratitude for that. And honestly, that probably more than anything, it was the break. And then, whoa, I'm lucky. Not whoa, what do I lack? That flip the script. And like you said, almost immediately I found a completely different kind of relationship. Yeah, I think they're all tied together. I can't imagine that that's a coincidence.

I feel the same way. I always really, actually like being single to a fault. But it is true when you reframe that you really can just get a high just off of your life alone. And, yeah, we are very grateful. Like, I know that my mom's generation, like, couldn't get credit cards on their own, like, couldn't get divorced. So it was just a different time. And this is still fairly new when you think about it in recent generations, that we can actually thrive, be alone. There's more single people than ever before living alone. And I think that's a good thing rather than being in toxic relationships we can't get out of. Okay, speaking men. Yeah. Speaking of toxic relationships, though, let's help April. She's 35 in Los Angeles. Hello, Dr. Emily. I got out of a toxic and abusive relationship about two years ago. I've been ready to get out there to start casually dating for a while now, but it's just isn't happening. I've gained some weight, which has made me much more self conscious. When I go out with friends, they're always being hit on and asked out. And I never get asked out, which makes my confidence so much worse. How can I start dating again? Thanks. All right, April, thank you so much for your question. Again, highly relatable to be out of a toxic relationship. Start dating, but then not feeling that great about yourself. Right. And thinking that your body is a thing, that it's going to keep you from dating. And how about this, Tara, that you think once I lose the weight, then I can date. Once I get the job, then I can date. I hear that from a lot of people, right. Once I get my whole life together, then I can date. Or once I heal the toxicity. First off, you know, she just got out of it. Maybe there's some time that she needs to heal again. Just to our same advice to Ruby, like, maybe she's not ready yet. Maybe there's some, some work to do if she just got out of it. What are some things that have helped you with confidence in this way, Tara?

I think the main thing that I'm zeroing in on is she says about her friends, they're always being hit on and asked out. And I just question that. When you find yourself saying always, it never happens forever. I'm like, this forever. Really? Can you not think of one time where you were hit on or flirted with? Like, really think about it and question yourself. Is this actually true? And I would bet money that this is not actually true for April, that there have been instances, but that she's down on herself. So she needs to open up the aperture and see, wait, there was that great person that I dated. Wait, I remember when this person came up to me and asked a question. And really, when it's black and white, question it.

I love what you said about the black and white question. There's two things I want to see your. First, you made me think about this. A side note. In relationships, if you ever say to your partner or if you're dating someone, you're like, you always do this. You never do this. You know, every single time you do, you are automatically to put your part on the defensive. A friend on the defensive, your colleague, your co worker, you talking that way isn't helpful in life, but certainly not helpful for herself. So I love that you pulled that out to her. That's such a big one. And the second one I want to remind her is that she says she has, has gained weight, which has made her self conscious when she goes out with my friends. And so therefore, she's already walking in the bar with her friends and she's already self conscious looking for her friends to succeed. And she's not. I don't think she's ready to go out yet. Like, why put yourself through that? Is there even a little ritual or something? Like, even for me, when I'm going anywhere where I'm not feeling great, my best self, I've learned, like, for me, what helps is I will sit in the car and I will breathe for three minutes. I have this breathing app, or I'll count to 10, I will remember a few positive affirmations, just try to reframe and get myself in a mindset. I do some somatic, like shaking sometimes or some tapping to get myself out of a negative State. I have enough experience knowing that when I show up somewhere in a bad place, it's not going to serve anyone, certainly myself. So maybe there's some kind of pre going out ritual she could do to get back into her body in a platform. I love that we got you here, April. Keep us posted. I love that you wrote in and that you're willing to do the work here. Takes a while to get out of these toxic places, right? It's like a condition we go through. It's an experience and it's not so easy to shake some of that off. This next one is from Zuzana 35 in London. Hey Dr. Emily, I hope you're well. Thanks for all you do. My question is how do I go about sexual explorations when I'm healing from from trauma and don't have a partner? I've spent my entire adult life recovering from trauma. I've had great sex with my first boyfriend, but have since really shut down and rarely had a good time with a partner. Now I feel ready to become a woman, have some fun, pleasurable, exploratory sex. But I don't have a partner and don't want to wait for commitment or commit to someone just for the sex of it. Where do I start? What questions do I ask myself and other people? What is safe sex for someone who's worried about sex triggering trauma responses? Please help. All right, Juzanna, thanks for your question. The first thing that I want to say, a lot of us have traumas and sexual traumas and it does make it hard to connect to a partner for sure. And what I want to say was I would love to have a practice where you can link sex to your own pleasure, to yourself, rather than linking it up to somebody else. And that's why I'm a huge fan of solo sex. So I would highly encourage you to continue or to start a healthy solo sex sex practice so your arousal and your desire and your orgasms can be connected to something that you are able to provide yourself. And that also just helps with confidence and love for our bodies and acceptance for our bodies when we see how much they can do going into a body. Gratitude practice about, wow, I can give myself orgasms, you know, is an amazing thing to do. So I would just recommend that you want to keep that going. We have to keep our own pilot lights lit whether with a partner or not. But what about the part about what can she ask herself and other people safe sex in a trauma response? Is there anything that's relatable to you here, Tara?

Yeah. I would say if you're afraid that you're going to be having trauma responses, don't push yourself if you already know, oh, no, this is going to trigger me. You need to work on the trigger, not push yourself and then condemn yourself for like, oh, why am I crying? This is so bad. And don't put yourself in that position to begin with. And I think one way you can do that is exactly what you're saying, Emily, is solo sex. It's so important, especially for those of us who have been through issues that really have affected our sexuality, that we get comfortable and safe. Safe with ourselves. To me, that's what I hear under this question is how can I find safety? And for better or worse, the first place you find safety, real, everlasting safety, is with yourself. So finding confidence, finding self worth, getting over this abusive relationship, forgiving herself that she's having these things. It's just normal to have trauma responses like this. And she doesn't need to re. Traumatize herself by forcing it. I think we just need to be way more gentle with ourselves and. And when we suffer, recognize it.

It's such a great point that, like, we. I feel like this has been sort of a theme here. Like we're pushing ourselves. I need to be dating. I have to be out there. What do I do? But I'm not ready. Well, if you're not ready, like, what else do you need to know there, Right? Yeah. And the other thing before we get into safety, because I do want to get into safety for a minute, all of your writings on safety really resonated with me and others. But the first thing I want to talk about is I often recommend to people who have trauma, and specifically sexual trauma, or really any trauma. But here is sexual trauma is. Is EMDR therapy, which I've done and I know you've done, and it's trauma therapy and I've heard you talk about it. Another thing that you were kind of weary of, but it was very helpful for you. So maybe you could talk about your experience with it. Yeah.

First off, it sounds completely fake and, and witchy in not a good way, like in a used car salesman kind of way. Like there's something off. Because what they tell you about EMDR is that they're going to stimulate bilateral stimulation. So, like, what does that look like? When I'm with my therapist, it looks like I put two post it notes on my computer and I sweep my eyes from post it note to post it note to the sound of a Metronome. And there are lots of different ways. Now you tell me how that is going to be helpful. That just sounds fake. But it had been recommended to me as one of the best ways to get over trauma, and I was very reluctant. I started researching the hell out of it, and it turned out it was one of the ways that people get over PTSD from war. The government is saying, this is legit. This works in the most extreme case. And I thought, well, if it's good enough for veterans, I can give it a try. And the idea behind it is that our brains can heal themselves. And we actually know that from neuroscience, that we have neuroplasticity, which means we can rewire how we think, think and what we think about ourselves. You know, you were saying the positive affirmations. The reason that positive affirmations, as cheesy as they are at work, is because they build new neural pathways and undo the stories that you have now made true about yourself. Because if you think I'm ugly, sex sucks. I'm never going to find a partner. How do you start behaving? Right? We behave on what we think. So chances are you're making that true for yourself. And until you step back, rewire your brain, which is completely possible with practice, you're going to keep making the same mistakes that are hurtful and painful and that you don't want. So, emdr, the idea is that your therapist isn't even giving you insights. In talk therapy, you say, oh, this happened and this happened. And then your therapist says, yes. What do you think about your father? Could you see that maybe it's about your dad? Right? The therapist doesn't say anything even near that. The therapist is just there to guide your brain healing itself. And it works. I mean, Emily, you know.

Yeah, it really does work. I. I've been singing its praises for so long. But the funny thing is you were doing it on Zoom, which we had. I had to do that as well with the metronome on during the pandemic. But it's funny enough, it seems like everything in my life comes back to vibrators. I did it with buzzers in my hand, but I have a. Basically a vibrator in each hand and like, buzz, buzz, buzz. I'm like, of course it's always a vibrator, but that's how we did it. But it really the same thing. It's almost like this. Your brain can change. And what I found is thoughts or events that would normally trigger something from me just no longer did. I'm like, wow, that person called me and it had no effect on me. And that's how you know it's working. And it isn't a lot of like, tell me about this. It's less talking and it's more feeling and it's more embodiment and it's more somatic. And I just, I think it's like, it is the best, some, some of the best therapy out there. So highly recommend it. I do love the way you talk about safety. It's very relatable to my journey too, in the sense of, you know, you were saying in your book, like, you talk about having a high tolerance for being unsafe. Like people would say to you, that's so brave. You camp in the desert alone. That's so brave. You take these risks. Risks. I had a lot of that too. That I'm always doing these things. You're like, wow, you're brave. I'm like, I literally don't even think of it as brave. I just grew up with not a lot of emotional safety growing up and some physical safety. So then in a way it makes me brave. But also when we don't feel safe in our bodies, also really hard to feel safe in the bedroom. It's hard to let go. It's hard to let ourselves have pleasure. You could talk about your journey.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I didn't even know safety was a thing. I was in Zion, camping alone, which I didn't even think twice about. You know, I'll pick up and move to Arizona. I'll camp alone in Zion. I'll go on a two week vacation to Buenos Aires and not tell anybody. And my friends are like, wait, what? That's so brave. And no, it's just I never even thought to do differently. And so I was on this camping trip. Camping I use generously. I was going into town to get takeout food and I'm waiting for my burrito when I hear this dad talking to his family. And he says to his kids, sons, we're gonna go canyoneering tomorrow. I don't really know what that is, but I've hired a guide to take us. So even when you're scared, he's done it hundreds of times, you're going to be safe. And I was like, mind blown. Parents tell their kids they're gonna be safe and do something to make sure that their kids are safe. I mean, I grew up in a house, you know, I said, where things came to die. It was also an open construction site for most of my life where you'd see the insulation and the drywall ripped open and it was on a literal shaky foundation. It was a very unsafe place to grow up. And so after this I realized, oh, wait, that's one of the primary jobs of a parent is to make their kids feel safe. Because I was told over and over again that I might get raped or murdered or kidnapped by my mom. There was a lot of crime. Also when I was growing up, I was just surrounded with messages of how unsafe the world was. Nobody ever did anything about it. Nobody was like, well, I'll protect you. And so what I've come to realize is that so many of us walk through this world with a low key anxiety about our safety and outside our door. I don't have to tell anybody, we've all been here the past three years. Some things are really unsafe if you're feeling anxious and there's a real reason why, and it's in the physical world. But we need to build a sense of safety for ourselves because the situations around us we can't control, but we can find peace and home inside of us that we can take into all these situations. And for me, the easiest way to do that is actually by journaling, by creating a physical safe space for all your emotions, by putting it on the paper, seeing that it doesn't overwhelm you, seeing that you have a place just to be yourself repetitively every day builds a sense of safety within yourself that you can take anywhere. And so, you know, as you said, it's impossible to be intimate with yourself or anyone else if you're 8 out of 10 worried about your safety, but don't even know that. Just you experience it somatically as a low key dread, anxiety, feeling scared. And we really, it's essential, it's foundational to have a sense of safety. It's hard to dream or hope or do anything when you're like, oh my God, am I gonna be okay?

Yeah, it's such a great point and I think it's something for people to look at now in relationships, do you feel safe? Is it something that's really comes up in your life as a theme? Because I think that we just don't often think that it's even a factor. But again, that could go back to a trauma. Like I think that we talk a lot about trauma, but it actually is relevant. It's a way of dealing with emotions that we never really processed or events in our life. And we all have them, right? I mean everyone, everyone has them. So, and, and then I think safety is a Big part of those traumas. So learning to feel safe. I love all your journal, your journal prompts and the way you even encourage me. Don't you also like offer this for people they could journal with you?

Yes, I have a journaling club. It's called the Glow Getters. It's on my sub stack, which is my newsletter where I get of prompts. Every week we meet up and work on ourselves. But even if you just want a journaling practice and you don't have one yet or you want to tune up yours, journaling is my passion. I friggin love this community and my shout out for journaling that I want to give right now is. It's also science backed. This again. It's not some. Oh like, it's not like some soft like blanket, you know, it's not that way. It's scientifically proven, clinically proven, over and over and over again. One of the best things you can do for anxiety, depression, even physical ailments, they've seen people heal faster because if they're journaling because their cortisol levels are lower, their immune systems, they feel good about themselves, they have less stressors, so the body's actually able to heal itself naturally. Just Google nih, National Institutes of Health studies on journaling. You know, this stuff is widely available. And so the reason I'm so passionate about journaling is because it changed my life, it's scientifically backed and I know it can change others. And I just want to help people on that journey, for lack of a better word.

Now, are you of the camp? I believe that you are. That it should be pen to paper and not.

Absolutely. Yeah, don't type it.

I'm with you.

Because it's the mind body connection.

That's it.

You just can't.

Slows you down. Oh my God. So helpful. Tara, you have so many great tips. I just love having you on the show. I have to ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests and then we're going to let people know where they can hang out with you. Okay. First thing that comes to mind. Ready? Your biggest turn on.

Ooh, glasses. I like a man in glasses.

Biggest turn off.

Smoking.

What makes good sex?

The lights on.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

This can be really fun and pleasurable. And if you're having a horrible, disappointing time every single time, maybe pause for like one minute and address the underlying issue.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That it can feel so good. Because I didn't know that until, like, like this year even, that it could be so pleasurable and that someone else could give me such pleasure. I didn't know that that was in.

The past until this year. We didn't cover that. I think we have real quickly what. What happened this year. Can you tell us what happened this year?

Yeah. So I was dating someone who Emily actually even knows, and he had explored his own sexuality and spent a lot of time doing so and so he was kind of like an expert on things that were maybe a little more kinky. And I was always like, I'm not kinky. That's not me. And then we actually used your yes, no, maybe list and started openly talking about it, which was another thing I had never done before, and being playful and experimental, and I felt safe in myself, and I felt safe around him. So for the first time ever, I took, like, more a of step into some kink and some stuff I had never thought about before. And, oh, my God, I was like, wow, my body can do these things. The relationship ended in a disaster, which is a completely different story. But just for the sexual experience and the awakening, I'll take it.

Tara, I'm so thrilled to hear that. The yes, no maybe list for the win. People love the yes, no, baby list. Tara, I'm so glad that you were able to have that experience this year. Right.

Thank you. Thanks for being part of what gave it to me.

I'm here for you guys.

That list.

I love the list. We love the list. We'll also put that in the show notes, but tell people where they can find you, Tara, and join you on your journey here.

So you can find my book anywhere books are sold. Target, Amazon, your local independent bookstore. My new book is Glow in the Fucking Dark, and if you enjoyed this, I think you'll enjoy Glow in the Fucking Dark. And then if you want to be in a conversation with me, join my newsletter, which you could Google Tara Schuster newsletter or go to tara schuster.substack.com. and that's where I have the journaling club, and that's where I'm talking to readers all the time. I'm also on Instagram, but the substacks where it's at.

And we're gonna link all things Tara in the show notes. Thank you for being here, Tara. I adore you.

Thank you, Emily.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please, like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.