How To Keep the Honeymoon Vibes Alive

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I used to think when I stopped wanting to have sex with my partners frequently, well, the relationship is doomed. I should probably end this relationship. I didn't realize then that, you know, it takes work and we have to start communicating and really get to know each other. You're not going to ever get back to the honeymoon, but you have something deeper, more intimate.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual. Ah, the honeymoon phase. You know that euphoric period, the beginning of the relationship where you're having sex three times a day and everything seems perfect. Well, after a few months, the spark fades. And then what do you do? Well, today I share why the honeymoon phase is so intoxicating, why your feelings might change over time, and most importantly, how to strengthen your relationship so that it survives the initial fading of happy hormones. I also answer your questions about what to do when your partner asks you to be more romantic, how to communicate to your partner that their Instagram habits are making you uncomfortable, and what to do if you feel your fantasies are different from your partners intentions. With Emily for each episode, join me. Let's set an intention. So when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of this episode. How could it help you? My intention was to prepare you for the end of the blissful phase so you and your partner can flourish into the next stage of your relationship. All right, announcement. I'm very excited that I'm doing a virtual live podcast on April 15th. I figure it's tax day at the end of that day, maybe you want to come to my virtual show. It's at 6 o' clock Pacific and you are all invited. It's going to be a blast. I'm going to give the audience a chance to determine what I talk about and even put a few people up to ask questions. It's a super cool platform. I'm really excited about it. It's $10 to view the live podcast experience, or you can pay a hundred dollars and get a live meet and greet with me and I'll answer your question. You even get a video of our chat. To find more information, go to loopedlive.com that's L-O-P-E-Live.com and go to upcoming experiences and then just scroll down and I will see you all there. All right, enjoy the show.

Okay, let me share a little story with you that might inspire you to look at your relationship differently. I lived in San Francisco for 20 years, and one of the requirements and suggestions when you first move there is you have to get an earthquake preparedness kit. The earthquake is coming, there'll be another one. We don't know when. And so just have a kit in your house, have some water, make sure that you have a place to go, that you have a plan, that you have an earthquake plan. And at first I was like, oh, okay, I'll just go to my neighbors and I'm busy. And is that really going to happen? Until there was an earthquake. Now, it wasn't the earthquake, but it was, it was bad. It was pretty, you know, it shook. It shook the ground. And it wasn't until I felt that that I thought, oh, this is serious, it could happen. And then I, you know, went about my business and I had the kid in my house. So how does this relate to you and your relationship? Well, it reminds me of a situation that happens in the majority of long term relationships. And that is one day you're gonna feel tremor in your relationship. Maybe there'll be some aftershocks and you'll think, oh, wow, it's here. The honeymoon phase has Ended. And now we have to figure out what to do. And so today, before I get into your questions, let's talk about this honeymoon phase and how you can prepare for the end of it, because I promise you, it's coming. So the honeymoon phase, so we're all on the same page, is that temporary euphoric period in the relationship where everything feels perfect, we have more motivation, we have a lot of energy. We can't stop kissing our partner and hugging our partner. And they, they can do no wrong. They walk on water. And you are so in love. It is the greatest thing that's ever happened to you. And the honeymoon phase has been studied a lot. It lasts about six months to two years on average. And here's what's really going on. When you're falling in love with somebody, it changes what happens in your brain and your body. Neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin are flooding our brains, and they're also activating the same pleasure reward center. So what it looks like is the physical and psychological responses in our body and mind can feel a lot like we're on drugs. And they actually looked at the neurological responses of people on cocaine and people falling in love, and it was pretty much the same thing. Like any great buzz or a great high, it doesn't last forever. You're going to come down from it. But it's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I used to think, you know, I didn't really understand that this happened in every relationship. I thought when I stopped wanting to have sex with my partners frequently, while the relationship is doomed, I should probably end this relationship. I didn't realize then that, oh, this is, you know, it takes work and we have to start communicating and really get to know each other, and the relationship goes to another place. You're not going to ever get back to the honeymoon phase, but you have something deeper, more intimate, more connected. You know, it's your life partner and you feel safe and trusted. And there's so much beauty that happens in a, in a relationship when you're actually able to do the work and move past this elusive phase. So I just want to tell you that there are some things you can do now. I recommend that you start talking about your sex life, what turns you on, your fantasies. You can check out our yes, no, maybe list. It gives you lots of suggestions. You can find that on our website@sexwithemily.com it gives you, like, about 100 sex acts, and you can review it with your partner and see what you're both into. Because how great would it be if you already start having these conversations? As soon as you start having sex with someone, even though you think you don't need to because everything's amazing, at some point it's gonna change. Having conversations about sex, even if it's awkward, is a practice. And so I recommend you have them as soon as you can. But I get it. No one wants to have difficult conversations when everything feels amazing and we're riding in all these feel good hormones. If you do find yourself though, in a place where you're like, well, why aren't we ripping each other's clothes off the second we walk in the door anymore? Try some relationship check ins or even have a relationship contract. You know, in your office, maybe you have a weekly meeting. Couples who have a weekly check in or a monthly check in, that's a non negotiable where they check in. What's important to us? Are we prioritizing our pleasure? Are we working on ourselves? Are we working on the relationship? What are our values? I love the idea of a relationship contract that you update every year or every five years. I mean, we do that in business all the time. So even if you don't write it down, having frequent conversations about your values and what's important to you, specifically your sex life, can change the whole trajectory of your relationship for good. And if you want to know how to spice it up sexually, I'm going to get into that. I give a lot of advice on this show and we've got tons of great articles on our website about how to keep it interesting, how to connect, but I want you guys to remember is relationships take work. It's a joyful work though. You get to work on something that's so important to you. And with that work comes communication and trust and honesty. So I hope all of you get prepared, have these conversations, and I'm here for you along the way. All right, let's get into your questions. If you have a question you want me to answer, you can email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily just remember to include your name, your gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. And totally cool if you change your name. Also, if you want to call into the show, just send us an email through sexwithemily.com askemily fill out the form and check the box that you'd like to be called and then we'll set it up with you via email. Let's talk To Madison in Utah. Hi, Madison. How you doing?

Hi.

I'm doing good. How are you?

Good.

So I am dating this guy. We've been dating for a couple months now. And what I'm really wondering is I was being Snoopy, which I probably shouldn't have been, but that's just, like, my own insecurities. I was going through his Instagram, and I noticed that he was following, like, a bunch of new girls. Like, he just barely started following them and, like, liking their sexy pictures. And I was wondering if I, like, is that something I'm, like, being too jealous over or, like, well, should I be hurt by something like that?

Yeah, this has come up a lot. This is, like, the new relationship dynamic with Instagram. I've heard this from a lot of people who are saying, like, what do I do about this? I am jealous. Why are they following people? And I know some women are like, that's not okay. That's not okay. We're not, you know, are you guys. Tell me this, how long have you been together? And are you in a committed relationship? And how old are you?

So I'm 19, and we've been dating for, like, five months. And he's actually my first, like, monogamous relationship. Like, that's never something I was willing to try. And he's like, no, come on, I only do monogamy. Just give it a shot for me. And so I have, like, cut off, like, all my partners. And so, like, it's just something. And it's definitely, like, hard for me.

Yeah. Madison. Well, like, this is such a great question. I would say that you have every right to feel jealous, but to also understand that this is new to you. You've never been in a committed relationship, and I think that it's like, a whole new wave of emotions. It's kind of confusing. You know, he says one thing, so I would just have an honest conversation with him and say, let's talk about our relationship. And you can just make it casual. You don't have to be, like, angry, jealous, Madison. Because no one wants that girl coming at him. Right? And just say, he. I. I want to revisit. It's in five months, and, you know, my first monogamous relationship. And. And it's been interesting. I love telling what you love about it. Say, I love that we're together all the time or that we're having great sex, but I have to be honest that I. I look at your Instagram, you know, people do, and I notice that they're just following a lot of other women and liking their photos, and that makes this monogamy thing, which is new to me, feel unsafe. What does it feel like? You tell me.

It just hurts for sure, because I'm someone who. I love my body and I love to take, like, pictures of myself. And he's always someone who's like, no, I don't care for pictures. I just want to see in person. And then he goes out of his way to follow these beautiful girls from where I'm from and, like, their sexy pictures. So I'm just like, where does the line like, why do you not want my pictures? But you go out of your way to, like, these other women?

Six.

Well, you. What was his upbringing like? Did he grow up in an environment or a culture where it wasn't okay for women to be sexual or he wasn't. It wasn't okay for him to be sexual, I think.

So whenever, like, something, like, comes on TV that's, like, sexual, he will look away. Like he's one of those type of people.

Well, that's. His parents probably put their hands over their eyes or wouldn't let it over his eyes and wouldn't let him watch. So it's. And is he also 19, Madison?

He is, unfortunately.

So, you know, here's. I know, right? No, but here's the thing. When we are just kind of, you know, you're both at the age where you are figuring out who you are in a relationship, in a committed relationship, what's important to you, what values are important to you. And so fortunately or unfortunately, Madison, this is how we learn what's key to us, what's important, right? From experiencing things we don't want. I mean, a lot of what we know in life is what we don't want to happen. And you don't want to feel this way. You don't want to feel confusion about what it means that he's looking at other women on Instagram and telling you one thing, and you just want to understand. You know, you could just even get curious. This is something I want you to remember, Madison, to be curious. As much as you're jealous and maybe a little angry, you could just say, I don't know what to do with this information. It's sort of an antithesis to what I'm feeling about us, such as we're getting closer and we're committed to. But then I get a message from you. You don't wanna see naked photos. I feel like when the topic of sex comes up, it's not comfortable for you. But then you're following all these sexy women and liking their photos. Can we talk more about that? Not even with a judgment. The best you could do is to not make it judgmental because it already is. Like, he probably hasn't thought about it. And just know that this is new for both of you and this is how you learn how to be a great communicator in all your relationships. Really hear what he says and know that it's not a one time conversation, that you might have to continue to talk about it. And maybe he'll be like, oh, yeah, I just do that when I'm bored at work. Or, oh, gosh, if it bothers you, let me just delete them all. I get it. You'll see how he responds to it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's what I'm looking for. I don't want him to go out of his way to unfollow every single girl that he follows as someone who I can admit that I have cheated in the past and I've gone out of my way to not tell my partner what I was doing. And then, like, seeing these red flags from someone else is just like. That's like what I would do when I was looking for attention from somebody else. Yes, Madison, I have that picture of that girl to compare myself to. And it's just like, oh, no.

Like, I didn't need that. So, Madison, I think that this is how you get vulnerable and you say, let me tell you, this is such a. Madison, such good information. I think what you say to him is. It's. I notice that you're following them. It's confusing to me because I have to be honest with you. I used to be a cheater, and you are acting the ways that I used to act. And since we're monogamous now, I'm not cheating and it's a trigger for me. Yeah. So you could say, maybe I'm just projecting. Maybe it's just me. But it brings stuff up for me about not feeling good, not feeling secure, not feeling like I know what's going on, like I'm losing control, you know, just. Just. And then just let him talk and see what he says. But, Madison, you have every right to say that.

Yeah.

All right. How do you feel about having a conversation?

Appreciate it.

Of course I'm here for you, Madison. It's a really good question. I'm going to take a quick break. When I come back, I'm answering a question from Stephanie, who's wondering how she can reignite the romance with her boyfriend. Foreign.

This is from Stephanie, 26, in New Jersey. My partner and I have been dating for almost a year. I had a previous six year relationship, and he had a small handful of sexual partners, but no real relationships before me. We're both in our late twenties. The first few months, the sex was incredible and frequent. A few months into the relationship, our sex life slowed down a bit and we weren't having as much sex anymore. When we do have sex, he finishes much faster than before. We talked it through, and he thinks it's just because we're past the honeymoon phase of our sex life. I wish we had more sex. We still love each other, but I'd like to get back to the more romantic state of mind. But I don't want to push him to do something he's not into. We have an amazing, happy relationship. How could I ignite that spark like we had in the beginning? Stephanie, here's the thing. Let me make this clear to everyone. You're never gonna go back to the exact same moment in time as it was in the beginning. You can't recreate what's going on with all the chemicals and the hormones and that intense euphoria. But right now, I want you to start where you guys are at and see what you can work on going forward. It's really common that couples have these mismatched libidos, or one partner wants sex more often than the other. But the important thing is that you can communicate with and decide, well, what's the frequency of our sex life? What turns us both on? And when you said, how could I ignite that spark for him Again, it's not about one person lighting a spark. It's about. It's about the two of you together lighting a spark. I'd love that to inspire all of you right now. There's always one person in the relationship trying to fix the sex life and trying to do something else. And while I'm all for spontaneity and trying new things, you both have to be on the same page as far as prioritizing your sex life. Sounds like you're the one who's leading the charge here and you're trying to fix it and you're trying to bring the spark back, but really, this might just take a conversation with him outside the bedroom and say, I want to talk about our intimate life and our sex life. And I realize we haven't had these conversations before because maybe you haven't and say, this is what's important to me to connect sexually. You know, here's some of the most memorable times you've had sex. What works for you? What do you fantasize about? So all the things I talk about on the show. I wouldn't try to make any, like, major changes here, major decisions, but just have some frequent ongoing conversations. So you'll know Stephanie after six years. If this relationship can go the distance and he's willing to work on it, or if he's not, better to have these conversations sooner than later. Let's talk to Tom in North Carolina. Hi, Tom. What is going on?

Emily, I tell you what, I am so happy that I had a chance to call you. I have a beautiful wife and my next door neighbor is always over in the house and she mentioned to me that she and her husband like swinging. And I mentioned my wife. She told me that was disgusting, she would never be with another woman. And she thought that was absolutely disgusting and never mentioned again. But I work from full at night to 8 in the morning. So one night I got sick. So I came home about 2 in the morning, looked through the window, and she was between my neighbor's legs, female, going to town. But she told me that she thought it was disgusting and it made me question a little bit. When I'm around, she's going to act like she's such a Christian and that's so disgusting. She would never do something like that. What do you think about. I'm going to hang up and listen to the radio.

All right, Tom, thanks. Lots unpack here. I mean, you want to know why she would be doing that if she's such a good Christian? Because I think that there is a problem when we commingle religion and sex. I think that your wife probably never was in a place where she felt safe to talk with anyone in her life about what her actual desires were. Because if you grew up in a religious home and a religious culture where you are never given time to think about your actual who you're attracted to and what turns you on and what makes you feel good and to express it. Because at every turn before the age of 18, let's say she lived at home till she was 18. Your wife, and maybe everyone around her was saying that too. Like bisexuality is wrong or homosexuality is wrong or lesbians are. I don't know what your wife would think. So that's probably why she didn't feel safe. Let's say I grew up in a very like, restrictive home and I was told, no, you can't be gay. You can't be. That is horrible. Then what am I going to do? I'm going to hate that I'm not able to live a life where I'm expressing my authentic self. And as a result of having to repress that my entire life, I'm going to marry a man. I'm not saying your wife is a lesbian either. We're going to get back to that. But I'm going off on the religious thing first. What's going to happen over time is I'm going to be with my husband and I'm going to hate myself for having desires for women. And not only since I can't fulfill it. I'm going to start hating everybody else. I'm thinking that everybody else is disgusting for living out their fantasies and their dreams because I couldn't do it. Now I want to know, did you approach her? Did you knock on the door? Did you come home? Did she tell you why? Did she express to you why she was doing that? We don't know because you hung up, but that's probably why. And she wants to be able to be free sexually and try other things and experiment. I mean, you guys are in your 60s. Every relationship, I believe, has to evolve sexually. And I don't think that means cheating on your partner. She's cheating. That is wrong. Even if it's same sex, different sex, you must be really hurt. That is a violation of your marriage contract, of what you've committed to. And so I think that part is a problem for sure. And I think you have to address it with her because these things don't go away. So if you haven't told her yet that you walked in on her, you have to let her know that you saw that and it hurt you and what it made you feel. I mean, I guess the goal is, Tom, what do you want to accomplish? Because if you guys have been together and you've got a long term relationship, maybe there's a way to repair this and you get to the bottom of it and find out maybe why she didn't feel safe telling you and then see if you guys can move forward and have a healthy threesome. If you want to find out what actually is going on, my best advice for you is to not go into this hot and angry and like, oh, why'd you do that? I walked in and say, you know, let's have a real talk about this. I really want to understand your sexual desires, what you want sexually. Let me tell you about what I need sexually. It really was confusing to me when I came home and I saw you with our Neighbor. It made me feel a whole bunch of different things. I felt I resented you because I've been asking you you'd have a threesome with her. It made me feel like our trust is broken. It made me feel like I didn't really know you. And I'm just curious in a light. He has to be curious. He can't be angry. Even though you might be. Just say, I just want to understand where you're coming from. Maybe you could tell me more about this. How do you get curious with your partner? We're not going to get anywhere from being angry. In the world that I hope to live in and the relationship that I'm in and I wanted to continue to be in is a relationship where this stuff doesn't happen. Because you are so honest and authentic and outright about who you are and what you value sexually and what you're into and what turns you on. That there's no violation of trust. There's no surprises. Because everyone who goes into a relationship has fully explored their sexuality. They know what they're into. Or they're with a partner who has consented to constantly be checking in and evolving and growing. And maybe once a month you check in about your sex life like you have prioritized your sex life. That's the world I want to live in where this stuff doesn't happen. Okay. Hi, Dr. Emily. I appreciate your work. I think it's so important. I'm 24 in March and I've been dating my girlfriend, the same age, for four years. We moved in together in June to a new city where we don't have any friends and kept to ourselves during the pandemic. The honeymoon phase is long gone and the beginning of moving in together. We were having sex once every three weeks. More recently, we have not had sex in two months. It's clear we both want more sex and have knowledge that our relationship feels more like a friendship than a romantic relationship. But neither one of us seem confident to initiate sex anymore. I'm not even sure if she finds me attractive. I bought her a bullet vibrator that she uses solo sometimes and likes it. The last time we tried being intimate together, we both acknowledged feeling more like best friends and we should try to spice it up. I'm sure it starts with a conversation outside the bedroom, but how do you think that should go? I'm starting to feel like I have one foot out the door in this relationship and I want to give it an honest shot before deciding this isn't what I want anymore. Our relationship Takes up a lot of my headspace and energy because she is someone I care for deeply. All right, you have been together for four years. You're 24 years old. It sounds like probably your first serious relationship. And this isn't an easy situation, especially living on top of each other the last year. You know, we get suffocated. You know, what we need for desire needs to thrive is spontaneity and variety and novelty. And you haven't had any of that the last year. A lot of us haven't. I appreciate that you want to take time to figure it out because, you know, you really care for this relationship. I would talk to her outside the bedroom and just say, you know, let's talk about our sex life. What feels good to you? Are there any fantasies you want to try? I mean, I love that you brought up the yes, no, maybe list to her and that you want to try new things. But I'm going to say at 24 years old and you've been together for four years, I'm going to guess that she probably doesn't have the answers to those questions. She doesn't know what feels good. She has maybe hasn't been with many other people. So exploring your sexuality is a process. It's a journey. And you're both at the very beginning of your journey. And so maybe you need time apart to figure out who you are as sexual beings, or maybe you do start to figure it out together. But I think she might not know what turns her on. It takes masturbating, it takes talking, it takes experimenting. And you sound like a really thoughtful, sensitive guy, which I love. And so I think that if you have a conversation with her outside the bedroom where you say, babe, I think about this all the time. And I really want to figure out how we can make this work. I've been feeling that we're just friends lately. I know that you've said the same thing and then you just start to talk about it. What do you feel? This is what makes me feel. And remember, it's not a one time conversation. You can continue to talk about it. And if you guys are both really honest and loving and you care about each other, you're going to find a solution. Whether it means that you stay in the relationship or you go. All right, thanks for your email. We've got more calls and questions coming up. I'm going to talk to Jennifer, who thinks her partner might be a narcissist. All this and more after the break.

All right, let's talk to Jennifer. 44 in Texas. Hi, Jennifer.

Hi, Emily.

Hi.

Long story short, I've been in a relationship with someone who's 14 years older than me for seven and a half years. And it has been the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I had three kids. We moved in together when we were just together four months. We were both married at the same time when we moved in together, but in the process of divorce, quote, unquote. My question is, he has tendencies that lean towards narcissism. And I didn't realize this up until about three years ago and I started doing some research on it or whatever. But then he also has some tendencies that are opposite of what narcissists are like. He. He doesn't say he's sorry a lot, but he can. He's sorry and he really means it when he says it. And he is extremely generous. He has taken care of me and my kids since the day that he's met me. I mean, everything and anything. Over the top, everything and anything. Does he do the gaslighting?

Yes.

But, you know, we both told each other about our relationships with our ex spouses, that we both cheated on our exes and blah, blah, blah. Since I've been with him, I haven't even one day had the thought of cheating on him. And he says he has not cheated on me with another woman, but he has talked to other women, that kind of stuff. Is there ever a place where you can get therapy or help for somebody who doesn't seem to be a complete narcissist?

You know, if they, if he commits to it, like if he, if he says, yeah, I'm going to go to therapy and I'm going to go once a week and I'm going to stick this appointment and I'm going to listen to what the therapist says and I'm going to try to work on empathy and I'm going to try to work on rage or I'm going to try to work on moment by moment every day. I'm going to do the work. Then they can have an impact. They can change. But let me tell you something. Being generous is not an opposite trait of narcissists. Some narcissists are very successful. They have a lot of money. They can do that. That's also a sense of control. So in a sense, he's controlling you with the money. So people only change if they want to change, Jennifer. So, yeah.

Do you think that that can happen without going to therapy?

No. Nope. Absolutely not. How? Well, he's 58 years old? No. Do I think that after 58 years of being one way in one body, that one day he's going to wake up and all of a sudden stop gaslighting and stop whatever else he's doing? No. Zero chance. Zero. Zero. I'm telling you, you've had ups and downs, highs and lows, and I'm not even saying just leave. I'm saying, will he go to therapy with you? But it doesn't. Doesn't look good.

He's gone therapy a couple of times, but he travels so much for work. We really had a breakthrough like a couple of weeks ago and I told him, look, I will not stay with you if you're going to even talk to other women besides your ex wife because you have children with her. I'm not. I will not accept that, period. If I knew he were going to be completely faithful, I would deal with the other stuff.

To tell you there's no money. Well, there's no certainty here. Okay. And I mean, what do you want right now, Jennifer? Because.

Because I don't want to give up hope on him, that's why.

Okay, well, the. But he has to not want to give a hope on you. Not one person can't save the relationship. You both need to save it. At least he has to want to.

And that's what he says.

He says he wants to. Well, then he has to go to therapy with you. He can zoom in if he's traveling. I see my therapist on zoom.

That's true.

That's what you have to do. That's. That is the kind of thing you need to do. Working on and seeing if he can change. So, you know, he has to want to put the effort in. But I'm going to tell you that people don't change much. Takes a lot of time, a lot of commitment.

I know I've changed. I've changed greatly since I've been with him. I am not the same person that I was when I first met him.

Okay, that's good. Has he changed at all?

He has some, yes.

All right, well, I think it's just a matter of deciding what your values are, what's important to you, how you want to be treated, how he wants to be treated, and see if you're able to communicate and that there's more highs than lows.

You're right. That's very true.

Yeah. Okay. Thank you so much for yours, Jennifer. I'm here for you. I got you. Got you. Thanks for calling. Mel, 33, in New York, writes ever since right before we got married. My husband started bringing up having a threesome as being a fantasy and something he wants to try. More than that, he has a desperate urge to fulfill. After hearing him out and weighing the options, I determined this is not something I'm comfortable with being a part of. He's dropped it, but brought it back up several times after that point, we always have a big discussion about it. I hear him out, what he's looking for, I consider it and again decide it's not something I'm into personally. But I understand his urge and desire and I do not make him feel bad for wanting a threesome. I offer other things to help spice things up for us. However, he makes me feel bad, whether he wants to or not, for not wanting it. He makes me feel like this makes me boring. I have offered to do anything else, whatever he wants. Dress up, role play toys, anal, you name it. But we never get there. Because the conversation, instead of being around what we can do instead and what we're both comfortable doing, just arcs back to the threesome. He compares our relationship to that of others that he knows of who have threesomes. Often he makes it seem like literally everyone has done it or is doing it and I'm the only one who isn't into it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm trying and trying and I just want to be happy. And I feel like because I don't want to have a threesome, ultimately it will end our marriage. Am I wrong for not doing it? Should I just do it and try for him, even if I'm uncomfortable? I feel like one person will be resentful in either scenario. But him being resentful feels much more life altering. I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice? Wow, Mel, that's a lot, lot to take in there, Mel. But I'm gonna tell you this first. I'm just gonna say this. I don't mean to use you. This is the poster child email for threesomes, but this is what happens when you don't talk about your sex life before you get married, before you commit to someone for life. Have a checklist, talk about how many kids you want to have, if any. Do we wanna buy a home? Rent a home? What religion are we gonna practice? If we have kids, what religion are we gonna raise them? How important is family? You know, if my parents get sick, I'm gonna want them to live with us. Would that be okay with you? I'm still gonna work when we have Kids or I'm not gonna work when we have kids or you're gonna have to stay home. I mean, all the things. And in there, in those conversations, you say, how important is sex to you? I've learned from listening to sex with Emily that in most relationships, sex becomes a problem if people don't talk about it. And it's gonna get st.

Somebody who has a growth mindset around sex. I mean, that's the person I'd want to walk down the aisle with. I'd be like, okay. And I'm not. I'm just trying to make a point here. But Mel, let's go back to you. So your, your husband's been saying to you since right before you got married. So I guess he gave you out, but maybe the invitations were already in the mail. I get it. So many things came up for me in reading your email about him pressuring you and making you feel bad about not having a threesome. And one of them was that, like, it's gaslighting, like for him to say everybody's doing it and you're wrong for not wanting a threesome and all our friends are doing it. He's not listening to you. So I'm wondering, in what areas of your relationship is he also gaslighting? Is he also making you feel bad for not agreeing with him? People like that are very hard to deal with. I do not think, Mel, that if you have a threesome just to do it, it's gonna feel better that your resentment is less than his resentment because it's not fair. He can't just declare that you should be comfortable. And I'm assuming it's with two women. I'm gonna assume that he wants you to be with another woman. And if that's not your jam, that's not your jam. He cannot be forcing that upon you. Is. Does he want you? I mean, I'm gonna assume it's a woman. Cause usually how the threesome goes down, and I never recommend that couples should have a threesome unless both of you are on board. You know, maybe you have role played it in your mind and you've talked about it and you've, you know, if you were interested, but you're not, you've thought about it and it's. Maybe, I don't know how long you've been married, but I think that there's a lot more places for couples to go before they dive into a threesome. How is your sex life right now, Mel? Are you satisfied, Mel? Are you having orgasms? Are you Having pleasure? Are you getting your needs met? I mean, it sounds to me like the fact that you wrote me this email that the threesome request might be getting louder and louder and louder, and it's drowning out any of your needs. In fact, to me, this would be something that you could take to a therapist, too. Maybe a sex therapist to help you guys negotiate this, because he 100% has to at least be on board with a yes, no, maybe list or a night discussing, you know, a pleasure planner. Like, let's talk about things so we can both get our needs met. Your needs are just important as his. You know, what I found is the more comfortable sex I have, the more I'm connected to a partner, the more I feel like it's a mutually beneficial relationship. I'm more open to things. I feel safer. I'd be willing to try or wanting to experiment more. I'm not saying you're ever going to want to have a threesome, but perhaps if you felt that you were in a healthy place with him and things were great and you guys were sexually connected. See, even if you wanted to have a threesome, male, I would still be asking you, how are you at getting your needs met? Are you having orgasms? Are you having pleasure? Sounds like your needs are being put on the back burner. And his needs about wanting to have a threesome are running the show. That doesn't feel great to me. So I think that what you have to do is outside the bedroom. This is one of those things you say, babe, I want to talk to you about our sex life. I want to have adventures. I want to feel connected. I want to continue to grow and. And change and learn with you in this marriage. And so can we take threesome off the table and start fresh? I want to start to build together, create a sexual erotic life that we are both a part of. And him demanding that you acquiesce isn't going to fly. All right, that's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will, too. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you want to ask me a question about sex, dating, or relationships, you can email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex and you can check out our guides@sexwithemily.com Guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails because hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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