How to Safely Explore BDSM & Kink (Professional Dominatrix Explains)

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play.

It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jjoo is known for.

Here's what I love.

The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've.

Heard me rave about before.

I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the Hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code EMILY20@sexwithemily.com hera that's EMILY20 for 20 off at sex with emily.com h e r A. So if you've been looking for a.

Toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with.

Thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it.

What was the thing that made you decide, I want to see this dominatrix, but it's okay?

That's a great question.

Yeah, it's okay. If someone says, you know what? I think this is what I like, but I haven't done it, so I don't know. So then I always say to them, okay, we're going to do kind of like an omakase of. We're going to try a bunch of different things that are just kind of like the standards. Like, okay, we'll put you on a collar, we'll tie you up, we'll try spanking you. We'll do these different kinds of things, and if you like a certain kind of thing, we'll keep doing that thing. And if you say, oh, I don't like that thing, mercy. Okay, then we won't do that thing anymore.

Have you ever been curious about what it would feel like to completely let go of control in the bedroom? Or maybe to take complete control in the bedroom? Well, I'm talking about power play, dominance, submission. All those things that maybe you've thought about but never knew how to explore safely. And here's what's interesting. So many of us are craving something different in our sex lives. We want to break out of the routine, try something new, feel more connected to our desires when it comes to bdsm and Kink, we get stuck. And maybe it's because of what we see in movies. You know, the whole, like, 50 Shades thing that made it seem like you need a red room and a billion dollars to explore power dynamics. Or maybe it's because we think kink is only for certain types of people, when the truth is, if you ever use handcuffs, enjoyed a little thinking or even just, like, being told what to do or doing the telling, you're already playing with power. Well, today I'm talking with Mistress Justine Cr, A professional Dom Matrix educator and owner of Dungeon east in Los Angeles. Justine has been helping people explore their desires safely for over a decade, and she's here to break down the myths, explain the basics, and show us how anyone can start incorporating power play into their sex lives. We're covering everything from communication and consent to simple ways couples can start experimenting, all without judgment, all with safety as the top priority. So whether you're BDSM curious or just.

Want to understand what all the fusses.

About, this conversation is going to open your mind to a whole new world of pleasure. So let's dive in.

Let's just define bdsm.

Yes, BDSM is an acronym, and it stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadomasochism. So, okay, a lot of things in there in that four little. Four little letters.

How do we break it all down? I mean, I think people. We mostly get bondage. Right. And discipline could be verbal. Right, Verbal discipline. What about the sadomasochism part? Sadism mask? How do we explain that? Like, how does that manifest in, like, an act that you would perform?

Well, a sadist is someone who derives pleasure from inflicting pain upon someone, and a masochist is someone who derives pleasure from receiving that pain. I am a sadist. Yes, you can be a sadomasochist. So, you know, something like a sadist might like to do is whipping someone, caning them doing something, like, going to cause physical or, you know, emotional or financial pain. You know, the masochist. You know, someone who is enjoying being spanked or whipped or, you know, being taken advantage of in some way. Yeah.

Studies have shown people in the pandemic were like, okay, we got to spice it up. We got to keep it interesting, and God knows we all have time for conversations. So what happens when a new couple comes to see you? Like, what are you seeing right now?

Yeah, I'm seeing a lot of newbies. Like, more so than I thought. After being sort of shut down for seeing in person clients for a year and A half. I thought, oh, all my regulars will come back. I think all my regulars worked out like the shit in their marriage. All the newbies were like, wait, it's our turn now. So I don't know, but I travel a lot too, so I'm seeing a lot of couples come in, but I'm also seeing a lot of women come in. Even though they might be in a relationship, they're coming in by themselves, solo. So that's really wonderful to see, seeing more female clients. Most of my clients are men, and I love being able to help guide people through this experience. Like, you know, just doing basic BDSM 101 kind of things, but also just having them, you know, develop better conversational skills, which I'm sure things you've covered in your show before, like consent and negotiation and boundaries and all of those things are the tenants of good bdsm. But you can apply them to your vanilla sex life. Vanilla sex life meaning things without BDSM or, you know, your completely platonic non sex life, like negotiating stuff with coworkers or especially during this time where we're negotiating our boundaries of closeness and, and safety and things like that.

I want to know what the men come in for, what the women come in for. And I know it's like, we can't stereotype. I'm sure it's case by case, but what are you seeing men for, typically?

Well, for me, as a professional dominatrix, I do quite a range of activities. So I do. My no list is very short, so. But everything else, I do a lot of these things where it's like I'm seeing someone for really light sensual play, like tickle torture, tease and denial to some pretty heavy corporal scenes, or electro and then kind of everything in between in terms of fetish, like foot fetish, leather, latex, financial domination, things of that nature. And then to your other question about if men and women are coming in for different things. They're not really, because they're coming in to see me and they've done their research and they see me as a quality person to entrust with their fantasies. And we're just exploring different kinds of submission fantasies for them.

Okay, so they all want to be pretty much submissive, right? If they're coming to see you, yes. How do they know? Like, maybe you could walk me through. I mean, you have dungeons now in la? Yes, yes, I have a famous dungeon. They like feature it on shows and stuff, right?

Yes. If you've seen anything in mainstream media in the last, like, five to 10 years. It was most likely at one of my two dungeons. I did close Dungeon west last year because of the pandemic, but my dungeon, Dungeon east in downtown la, is still around. We just did a lot of upgrades. New photos soon. But, yeah, that's been a lot of different things.

They go to your site or they go. They contact you through Instagram, but they come there and then do the form they fill out. Do you give them a questionnaire? How do they. How do you know what they want?

Yes, there is a booking form on there. And you fill out that booking form and it's, you know, confirming that. That you're fully vaccinated against Covid. And also just answering some basic questions like, what are your interests? How long have you been playing? Do you have any references? It's okay if you do not. And, you know, confirming that you are over 18 and that you have checked my new list and all of that kind of. So doing that weeds out most people until sometimes they find out that I'm very expensive or they get intimidated for whatever reason. So based on that booking form, I decide if I want to see them or if I need more information. And then if everything is greenlit, then we set up a time and place, usually at my dungeon. And then we show up and have an amazing time doing all the things that we talked about.

Wow. I think BDSM came to the forefront with 50 shades of gray. And so then everyone assumes that they have to be like, Christian Grey. They have to have a whole red room of pain. It's always about pain and whips and spanking. And it can be so many things. Right. It could be just spanked. It could be that you just want to be dominated verbally. So could you walk me through maybe? Is there a session where that's a more typical session?

Yeah, I mean, definitely. I agree with you. Fifty Shades of Grey kind of brought this out to, like, moms of the Midwest and book clubs and stuff. But we should never be like Christian Grey. We should never be abusive, and we should never be billionaires. Like, that just shouldn't be a thing. No abusers, no billionaires. So my hard limits. So there are no typical sessions, but, like, a fairly standard session that I'm doing is, you know, when someone comes into the room, things that we've already negotiated before, they've come into the dungeon, you know, I might put a collar on them. I'll walk them over to my mirror. I like to start sessions with them, give it, you know, them on their knees if their Body is able to do that. And I have them look at me and give me three compliments. And they have to be three compliments I haven't yet heard today. And then we'll start the session, you know, and I will typically put people up on the St. Andrews cross first, which is the. That big X. So doing things to their body, because I have access to it, I can tie them to it, you know, facing out or facing away from me, depending on what we're doing. I might put them on the spanking horse to do more impact play. I might put them on the bondage bed. I might have them on the floor, like, if it's a foot worship session. So they might just be on the floor the whole time.

So these are, you know, people kind of working out different kinks or fetishes. And when you said that, I can't help. I can't skip over the. When you said, well, it looks like a lot of my clients got their marriages together and didn't come in. Is it the kind of thing where people come in, like, on their own when they're going through something in a marriage or couples come in together? Because I know some married men who go and they're like, it's secret. What do you see in your practice?

Yeah, I mean, it's interesting because it's only what they tell me, and I'm only getting one side of the story. You know, it's just. I was seeing a couple of people right before lockdown. One was a couple, and they. They saw pro doms together all the time. Anyway, I just haven't heard from them and had another person who's, like, really great, and I think he's just worked things out with his partner and he can't get away. It's like, when you're logged out, you can't sneak out. So I don't know. I mean, I think that it's interesting because I am a professional that also has studio spaces that I rent out to people. I've had a lot of clients who I've seen one on one, and then they come in with their partner to rent the space. And sometimes I'm there with them to do a couple sessions. Sometimes they're doing it with themselves. And I. I hope that a lot of what I do in a session with someone is not just, like, having the best time ever, but also giving them the tools and confidence to understand that, you know, their kink and BDSM is a part of them. And it's. It's okay. It is okay. To be kinky. We have so much, you know, sex shaming and thus kink shaming in our society. So I hope people are getting more comfortable with these things. So.

Yeah, I hope so too. I always say, well, what's kink? I'm like, okay, basically, it's. If you're not anything but missionary, it's essentially kinky in this world. And I just open. I just want people to feel safe. I mean, this is. So many people feel that they're bored with their sex lives. They don't spice it up at society's moving in that direction, maybe to be less shameful, but, I mean, it also could be because I'm in this world. I would love to see more people just opening up. Like, is there a process that you see people go through or things that they're kind of craving to get by the experience with you, like, psychologically, emotionally, sexually?

Yeah, I think people just really want to be understood. I mean, it's so simple. It's not even about a lot of bells and whistles and stuff. It's really just about being understood. And it takes a lot of guts for someone to tell someone else their fantasy, who pretty much a stranger and walking into a dungeon and, like, you know, kind of a sketchy place, and you're like, I don't know, and I'm getting naked and telling this person my fantasy. Is it gonna be okay? And I think so. She has good reviews, you know, and so that takes a lot. You know, the fact that sex work is the oldest profession. And, well, there's a reason why. It's like, this is a very, very innate human need, and it's something that needs to get fulfilled. And if we can't find a partner or if our partner doesn't understand us in the way that we. We brave and we want. We're gonna, of course, hire a professional, hopefully. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. So they come into you because they feel they have a sense. Like, I'm assuming that many of your clients have never been to a dungeon before, but from going to your site on the form, they see what's your experience, who your reference is. What if they don't know what their interest is? Like, they might not know all the things. Right. And then you have a call with them, they might know spanking or being tied up, or do they just kind of like, list whatever.

Some people are totally new, and that's fine. I do see new people all the time, but I always ask them. Okay, well, but something made you want to contact me, like, what? Was it, you know, yes, I'm very beautiful, but I don't think you wanted to just compliment me for an hour. You wanted me to do something with you. So, like, what were you fantasizing about? Like, what kind of porn are you watching? What was the thing that made you decide? I want to say, see this dominatrix, but it's okay.

That's a great question.

Yeah, it's okay if someone says, you know what? I think this is what I like, but I haven't done it, so I don't know. So then I always say to them, okay, we're going to do kind of like an omakase of. We're going to try a bunch of different things that are just kind of like the standards. Like, okay, we'll put you on a collar, we'll tie you up, we'll try spanking you. We'll do these different kinds of things. And if you like a certain kind of thing, we'll keep doing that thing. And if you say, oh, I don't like that thing, Mercy. Okay, then we won't do that thing anymore. And just kind of lightly playing. And I won't do really heavy stuff with someone who's new or new to me, because that's not where we want to go. It's also sort of a wanting more thing, too.

But that's interesting. So in the moment. So I'm assuming you establish safe words with people.

Yes.

You just said mercy, but we have some Instagram questions that came in because we let people know you were coming on, and someone said, you don't know what you don't know. How can you explore your kinks if you haven't before? Like, they have to say, so present, too. And just be like, oh, I like this. I don't like that. So you're kind of creating it as you go along. Is that what it is? They're just sort of exploring?

Yeah, I mean, they're. They're giving me a script, and I'm the director, so I'm really understanding people's, like, reactions and looking for, like, you know, micro expressions and things. 99% of the time, the people that come in and say, I want this fantasy, or I have this fantasy, that's the fantasy they want, and I give it to them and they're fine. And very few people say, I want this thing, and then we do it. And then they're like, I don't know. And. But it does happen once in a while, but you're not going to know until you try it.

I mean, that's what I figure. If they're coming to you, done the research, they know what they want and then they get to actually live it out. Like, how amazing for so many people who've just had this fantasy for so long and then they get to see you and you're actually making it come true. How does sex work into this? Like actual like ejaculation or orgasm? What are the limits there?

Well, I'm. I'm not having sex with my clients in the sense of like, I am not naked during session. I don't do anything that ends in job for me that those are my boundaries and my limits. Generally it does end in orgasm, but usually it's because the client is doing something to themselves or like, maybe I'll hold a vibrator on their genitalia and that's it. But it doesn't have to end that way, especially if we're doing things like orgasm control or denial and things like that. But post orgasm torture is really fun and I love doing that. So it's important that they come.

Talk about post orgasm torture, please.

Well, generally, you know, everything sounds like such a great deal until you come. You know, you're super hot, you're into everything, you're like, more, more, more pain, deeper, harder, faster, all the things. And then you come and then you're like, that was great. Okay, I'm done. Who is this? Where are we? Who is that lady? Why am I wearing a dress? What's going on? Why do you have that cattle prod here? Like, so then afterwards you can do more of the body and it's like very painful. So it's like, you know, after someone comes, all those endorphins have just, you know, you flooded your body release. But now everything is so much more painful.

Wow.

Where I can do post orgasm torture to either your organ that has just orgasmed and it is extremely sensitive, or just your body in general. You're in like a different game after that. After that orgasm, your body's like, wait, what are you doing to us? You know, so. And then it's more painful if you're doing things like corporal punishment to the body or electroplay.

They definitely need a safe word for that. Now what about orgasm denial? I think that's really, really hot. I think a lot of I talk about it on my show a little bit. It's kind of like edging, but with power play. So how, how would you walk me through orgasm denial and maybe you could share how people could do it at home if they can't come. See you.

Yeah. Orgasm denial, which is, I mean, just that you are not getting to come. I love doing it through chastity training. So. Which works better with external genitalia? Because there's chastity devices. So you just don't get to come for however long we decide. And I particularly love doing that, you know, with men and having chastity and, and they behave so much better in chastity. It's much better.

Tell me about that because we have a question about it. How do I talk to my girlfriend about locking me in a chastity cage? Is one of our questions. Break that down for me. What it is, what the cage is and how it works. Because you might send them home and still work with them while they're home, right?

Yeah. If you just look up a chastity cage, there's a lot of different varieties, but basically it's, it is like a cage, metal or plastic or, you know, rubber that is going around your balls. So if you try to get an erection, you cannot because. Because it is stuck in this little cage. So you can have serialized locks or, you know, metal locks and stuff. I don't recommend going through security with it. People do. You can. I would not.

Thank God. That'd be a disaster.

Yeah, TSA is not like fun. That's the uniform is not cute. Anyway, so to the question about how do I talk to my girlfriend about locking me up? Yeah, I don't know if there's any BDSM or anything like that involved in their lives to begin with, but any kind of conversation like this, I always recommend, like, don't do it. Like while you're passing each other by on the way to get some almond milk, like, don't do that. Sit down, have a face to face or even like have a pre conversation, schedule that conversation and say, hey, I want to talk to you about something fun I want to do in bed. Like, when's a good time to discuss that with you? You want to have this face to face or facetime? You know, as much as you can, because you want to preface it that way.

Okay, well, a similar question to that is how and when can you introduce your kinks with a new partner? The fear of being rejected is very present. So how do you train couples? It sounds like people sometimes come to you to kind of learn what to say, but what do you think about that? Introducing it to your partner and that fear?

Yeah, I totally understand. I mean, it's, it's very difficult because there's still a Lot of sex shaming that happens. And also kink shaming, shaming. And I really feel for people because, you know, a lot of my clients are men, so they don't get to really come out and have their submissive fantasies. And a lot of women have a hard time accessing the part of themselves that can be dominant. Because we're constantly told as women, if we put this on a binary, of course, to not be dominant, that the, you know, the nail that sticks up gets hammered down. And we see that time and time again. And it's really sad and unfortunate that we're in 2021 and these are still, like, the unfortunate stereotypes and dynamics that get played through society. So, yeah, the fear is real. And I understand. And I mean, I haven't been on the open dating market in, like, over 10 years, so. So I'm like, you know, different, and I have all these people to play with and stuff, so I can only imagine. But I. What I always tell people is like, you know, the more you put out there what it is that you want in a partner person that you want to have. Have a sexual relationship with, the more likely you are to get it and, you know, find those people. On dating profiles. I tell people, well, it's like sort of if you're really into bdsm, mention bdsm. And I. I was just talking to a friend who's like, dating right now, and I said, well, it looks like you want this, this, and this. So do you have that on your dating profile? No, no, I can never put that. I'm like, well, then how do you expect to get it?

Exactly? We need to lead with sex stuff because then you're going to get in a relationship with someone and you'll be months, weeks, or go. Was married to this person years in, and then you're like, well, they don't do this and they don't do that, or they're not into kid. They won't expand their repertoire. It's like, can we all cover that early on? Like, let's cover it on this. When you start having sex or on the first date, like, that's how you be stopped. The shame if people are just really honest about it. And then you find your partners, you know? Yeah, you get to weed them out. So someone else asked, how could I find out if a partner's kinky without hooking up with them? I think you just have these. Don't you think we just gotta normalize these conversations?

Just ask them. You know, I just did a private bachelorette Party over the weekend was like BDSM 101. And I said, just please talk to your partners about, like, what it is you want to do, and maybe they'll do it or maybe not, or maybe you can find it with someone else. But if you don't talk about these things, what's going to happen is that guy becomes my client. And then they were like, whoa. You know, and then that, like, really, like, you know, I mean, it was like we were joking. It was like, all super fun and games and everything, but it's like the mental gymnastics that I hear some of my clients. Clients going through. And I'm. And I'm like, asking them. I'm like, well, how long have you been married? Two years. Well, how long have you known you've been kinky? Oh, 10 years. Well, did you. Have you told your partner you're kinky? No, I could never do that. And I'm like, then this isn't your partner. This is someone you just share, like, a condo with. Yeah. I think you just need to ask. Just say, hey, again. I want to talk to you about, like, fun stuff I want to do in the bedroom. When's a good time to do that? I'm really kinky. Like, like, if that's really important to you, please talk to your partner about it. So. So people can find each other and date people. You, like date people you, like, date people you want to have sex with. And if. If you want to have sex, if sex is important to you, and. And on the other side of that, if sex is not important to you, please find someone who also feels the same way about sex.

Please save yourself a lot of pain and suffering. I mean, I'm always saying, like, if you listen to this podcast or you're interested in kick, it's like, find someone who has that mindset or has a growth mindset around sex. Maybe they haven' been kinky yet, but they're open to hearing what you have to say and exploring. Because another question is, how could I have an open conversation with my partner about what I want to try? And I think that these are. All the questions sound very similar, because it's like, how do I do it? What do I say? So how would you, like, advise someone that kink can mean so many things. Is there a beginner, like, BDSM night that you would teach a couple to kind of dip their toe in?

Yeah, I do have a BDSM 101 class. I'm actually going to be posting it today that is online. So that's like a good kick in off point. And I also have like some free worksheets. That one is a kink negotiation worksheet that's free on my website and it's just one page and you can just like fill it out on your own with your partner, whatever. And it's like, how, how do I want to feel? What do I want to be called? What does kink mean to me? What do I get out of it? What are things that we don't want to do? And it, and it negotiates the whole thing for you in a very thorough but also very concise way. So that's a really good place place to start. I mean, I get it, it's so hard to have these conversations, but it's better to have these conversations earlier with people than later, especially if it's something really important to you. I get that. Sometimes, especially in the last year, we haven't even understood some things that were important to us until recently, where there were so many conversations thankfully happening for the first time, not just about sexuality, but we didn't know we had to discuss these things that are important. And, and it's important to have someone who is your partner that shares your life values. And I understand that it's been a very difficult time recently that you might have just recently discovered that this person you thought shared your life values over things you might not have discussed doesn't. And you know, there's only so much conversation. You can have to try to change someone in certain ways. Like you, you might not be able to convince someone to be not racist or to be kinky. And that's important information to have if those things are important to you.

Absolutely. Have you seen people evolve? Like people who are like, nope. And then they come in to see you or as a couple and they're like, oh, it's not what I thought. Like, what do you think that ranges?

Yeah, I do think people can come in and understand it. It comes to being seen and to have me who I fit a certain kind of stereotype, you know, where I am like this tall, skinny, good looking white lady who looks very basic and is, is pretty and is out doing fancy things. And it's like, if I'm telling you that it's okay, then it's like different than if your friend tells you it's okay. It's a different sort of weight to that. And just doing a lot more mainstream things of kink. I mean, again, it just. And I'm sure this is something you've covered but it just comes from the lack of awareness and even just basic sex education and how we talk about consent and boundaries in negotiation. So then when we. How do we learn about bdsm? We're going to learn about BDSM through friends, adults, depictions in mainstream media porn. There aren't a lot of mainstream media in for bdsm, but there is.

There's really not.

Yeah, right.

Would you. Where would you send people? I know that you read a lot of books. Start. I mean, I was listening to some of your interviews, and you kind of had some books that were pivotal for you, but are there any, like, places you would tell people go today besides your website?

You know, we make fun of fifty Shades a lot, and it deserves to be the. Actually the second fifty Shades of Gray movie, like, fifty Shades Darker. That was actually really good. And I did talk a lot about boundaries and safe things and talked about, like, the sexually exploitative relationship that, like, the Mrs. Robinson character had. I haven't watched Billionaires, but a lot of people tell me that the depiction of the dominatrix on that show is really good. Go to my IMDb profile, and anything that I've done mainstream, they did a good job.

Yeah.

There really just isn't a ton out there right now.

It's true. What do we get wrong about it? What's the stereotype that we get wrong about bdsm?

I think that it, as you said earlier, that it's all about pain, about fancy costumes, about fancy toys, and it totally is. Like, I love having all my fancy costumes and toys. And, I mean, I had you. Well, I'm in my dungeon now. I'm in my home dungeon, and I have another dungeon.

So I want to go to your dungeon.

You got to go to my dungeon. Well, we're having, like, some stuff in person soon. I'll send you an invite to.

Please, I want to come to you. Yes. Coming to your dungeon.

I'm in BDSM is so cerebral. Like, I always say, like, I can do an entire session with you. Just my pinky. Well, maybe not this pinky finger, because it just got, like, that bee sting. But this pinky finger is so I can do it. I can do it all because it's so psychological. It's so about the cadence and the pacing out of my scene and what I'm doing with you that I love doing it with my fancy toys and clothes and dungeon. But I have also done scenes with none of that, and they've been incredibly powerful and amazing for people because it's about it's so much about your mind and body experience and what you're willing to open up to me and what you're willing or able to give. And the more you can do that, the deeper we can go together.

Wow. The thing I like about BDSM and power play is that especially for people whose mind wanders during sex, or they're anxious or they're in their head and worried what their partner thinks. Or am I going to come? Am I not going to come? Or do I look? How do I look? When you're engaging in that kind of connection with someone, like someone would do for you in a session or with their partner, it's really deep intimacy. Your mind can't wander to things. You'll be very present. You can go deeper in that way and be vulnerable. Are there any scenarios that you think in the moment, like, they've decided, they've done your paperwork, they went to your site, they filled it out, and then like, is there, like a starting scenario?

There just isn't because I have no idea what these people want. You know, every site, like, you know, and, and it's a fair question. Everyone's asking, like, well, what is like your standard session? Okay, I can kind of walk you through one. But I really don't do the same session twice unless it's a client who really just wants that same session over and over again. It is so different with what I want to do, what they want to do. Like, the energy that I'm feeling from that situation, you know, I'm trying to stick to the flight plan, but sometimes I have to go off map, you know, with their consent, of course. I'm not doing, doing anything unconsensually, but it's really just about understanding what each other wants and trying to figure out a middle road to give that to each other. If you're in a good, loving, caring relationship, or at least in maybe a momentary relationship to, to have a fun.

Time together, do you find that there's a lot of people who can play or have their BDSM or their play partners, but they're not necessarily their, like, committed partners or their sexual partners? Do you see that a lot that people like, well, my partner's not into it, but I'm going to go play some more else. Especially if they let their partner know, which I think that would be the healthiest scenario.

I would hope so. Yeah. But then there's that whole kink shaming thing we talked about earlier. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I definitely have play partners that are not My. My partner that I live with, you know, and seeing people at parties and events and stuff, I think that you can do that. I mean, that's like, the wonderful thing about, you know, the. The kinky poly BDSM world is that you can really negotiate something that you want. Want from someone else and have really clear boundaries. I mean, nothing is perfect like people fall in love with their fuck buddy or their play partner. And things happen, of course, but all the time that can happen whether you're monogamous also. So it doesn't. Like, that's like, a terrible argument. And. But I think this is, like, a wonderful way to get different things that you want if maybe your. Your nesting partner isn't the person who can give those things to you.

Yeah, your nesting part partner. I'd love to see a world where people are nesting and with the partner that shares their kinks and their fetishes and all the things. I mean, it's more kink. Mean people. I often explain the difference between fetishes and kinks, but foot fetish is still. I would say it's one of the top fetishes. Right? Would you say most common?

Yeah, of course. And I think you're asking, like, how long is something more about, like, how long have people been kinky with, like, Freud and stuff? It's like, well, forever. Forever. There. There are cave painting drawings, like, depicting scenes of, you know, sadomasochism. And we've always had a foot fetish because we've had feet forever, you know, so something like a latex fetish is fairly new because latex as a garment is newer compared to, you know, feet latex new, foot old. So.

Yeah. So someone says, how safe is ball busting? How hard can they be hit?

I've hurt my foot on ball busting, and they're fine. Yeah. Wow. I haven't broken my foot, but I've definitely.

Yeah, okay.

They can withstand a lot. They can withstand a ton of the. The human body is pretty resilient, you know, I gotta tell you.

Yeah, that's amazing. How do you ball bust? Like, what does that look like when you do ball busting? How do you do that in a session?

Well, it depends. We'll have them standing usually. Well, depending on how. How much we're doing this. But wait, we'll have them standing. I might tie the. Out of the way, and then I'm. I'm kicking them in the ball balls or have them hold their. I mean, I can also do that on the floor and have them, you know, Spread their legs and kick them. I have this really cool bondage bed. It's not here right now because it's getting out for repair, but my bondage bed is this really amazing custom bed by Downtown Willie. And it has, like, holes in the middle of it that has, like, I can put my foot in. So I can put my foot down in the middle of this cage while someone's lying on the flat inside the cage and kick them that way. So that's really fun. And that will soon be a dungeon East. I cannot wait.

Oh, my God. And are you wearing shoes? Like, you have heels on or.

Yeah, I'm usually wearing shoes. Some people want, like, barefoot, because then it's not as hard. But I'd rather, like, have something protecting my feet because you can break your foot. I mean, your foot has a lot of really tiny bones in it, and you can hurt yourself. So I usually don't do that barefoot just to protect myself. I'm usually wearing a boot or something, but I might not kick them, like, as hard. That just seems intimidating and. But, yeah, I don't want to hurt my foot.

Okay, that makes sense. How did you know you were dominant?

I think I just always knew. Like I always say, my friends in high school gave me this book, I Was a Teenage Dominatrix by Shauna Kenney, which is autobiographical, and it's about her. Have you read it?

Yeah, I have it. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So it's, like, about her journey as being a dom, but it's really about her journey of, like, trying to leave the working class and be middle class. And how do you do that? Oh, through sex work. Okay, that's great. You know, I. I wasn't raised in a house where women were put down or demeaned, and my family's fairly progressive, so there was no shaming of a body or things. I identify as queer. I didn't have a coming out, but there was no shunning of the queer. The queer me. So I think that's. It just makes things normalized for me. And it's like we were taught you mentioned earlier about, like, how do we untangle, like, our childhood trauma? Well, as long as you were a child, that's how long. So. But there was no trauma of, like, being less than as a female or, like, raised really religiously or something where.

So it turns you on, then, to be dominant. This is. Here's an Instagram question. Any suggestions for honorific pet names that aren't Daddy seems uncomfortable or sir to form normal?

There are so many. I Mean, just go on FetLife and there's like a thousand that you can find. You can probably do a Google search and find different honorifics that work for you. I mean, there's gender neutral ones now you can use mix or mixtress. Yeah. Sir and daddy can have negative connotations that I completely understand.

Yeah.

There's just so many to just find and you know, making up one's, you know, mix is not like a made up word, but like a newer word that we've created to. Because people didn't, you know, master. Like masters and master and slave. Like these are, you know, these don't have like necessarily great connotations.

No.

You know, and I try to not use them as much, but also in the BDSM community, like I'm only thinking of them in the bdsm, you know. So, yeah, I would just like do Google search or look on FetLife for different honorifics that resonate with you. And it's important to find one that feels good for you.

Yeah, right, Exactly. You get to pick it up as you're talking. I'm thinking about play and make believe when we're little and playing games. I did that for hours with my friends and in my room. And we, we get away from play as we get older and there's so much like responsibilities in life and work, but what we're really talking about is play. And I think it doesn't have to be so dangerous and so scary to kind of open up and how fun to find the names that feel good to you and to just play, play with your partner and see what happens. Like that's how you're going to keep thriving in your sex life and you're going to keep it interest. So just in talking to you, I'm like, how fun? Like, Google it. See what resonates for you. What are some ideas to explore with a female dom and male sub dynamic?

Okay.

Which is what you do.

So all of them. Anything. What do you want to do? Ask each other, Find out what you want to do, do those things. Find out what you don't want to do and don't do those things. I know this is so simple, but you'd be so surprised. We're not doing this. Yeah, really. To exploring what it is you want to do. Finding that play, making sure that it's within everyone's boundaries and everyone's getting full consent for this. And you have fully negotiated this out before you start playing.

Yeah. And the talk can be fun. So this is Our last question from listeners. What are the best ways to restrain and tie up your partner other than four bed corners?

I mean, so many ways. Like a coffee table, my dungeon, you know, eye bolts. Putting in eye bolts in different places. I've seen a lot of interesting hotel room bondage you can get. It's a little bit of a pain in the ass unless you have it set up always. But like underneath the bed restraint systems.

I have them in my bed.

They're awesome.

Yeah, no, I won't buy sports sheets. Honestly, I find it easier to just put in discreet eyeball. I mean, I have a dungeon also, but like, even I have a dungeon. But, you know, I have this like a amazing bed by my friend who makes this company called It's Not Trash. And she just like goes and dumpster dives and makes like these amazing beds and she's like, I've put in so many eyeballs to beds because of you. And just like this bed will not break. And you know.

Oh, cool.

Yeah. Doing things like that. There's also like over the door restraint systems. You just want to make sure that whatever you're tying someone to is sturdy. It's not going to fall over, it's not going to hurt them. Them.

Right, that's good.

You know, you can tie them to themselves. You can do hog ties. You can, you know, really simple wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, tying them to the outside and kind of a little hunched over crab position. That's really good. And pretty simple to do with with just clips.

All right, good tips there. Thank you so much. I'm going to ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests.

Okay.

They're quick. Ready? What's your biggest.

Oh, my girlfriend.

What's your biggest turn off.

Stupid people.

What makes good sex?

Talking beforehand about what you want to.

Do and getting it something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

You're doing everything right and it's just going to keep getting better and better the longer you keep going.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

It's really amazing and it's not that scary. And just talk to your partner about what it is you want to do to do and what it is that you don't like to have. Honestly, amazing sex every single time.

Yeah. So true. Justine Cross, thank you so much for being here. Tell me how people can find you and what you have going on. All the things they can join.

Yes, thank you. Thank you for having me. Emily. Yes, you can find me on my website. Which is losangeles dominatrix.com youm can find me on Instagram as thejustinecross as well as on Twitter for For Justine plays. But please don't DM me there for business inquiries. It is not Instagram is not a safe space for amazing people such as myself. So please always go to my website or you can always email me some things that we have coming up. We're going to be continuing doing online classes like a BDSM 101 class, as well as we're moving carefully into in person events at Dungene. So we're going to have some classes coming up as well as play parties like BDS Femme, which is a play party for CIS and trans women only. So check that out. But again, just always look at my website Los Angeles dominatrix.com my website for Dungeon east is DTLA dungeon.com and that is a very fun place to have sex or do bdsm.

You know, fun. I love it. Okay, everyone should check that out. We'll put that in the show notes as well. Thank you so much for being here.

Great. Thank you.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner.

It might just spark something.

It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, tick tock, YouTube, Facebook and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex with emily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

Pleasure.

And if you question about sex, dating, relationships, any of it, leave a message@sexwithemily.com Ask and hey, was it good for you? Email me@feedbackexwithemily.com I would love to hear what you're thinking.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles, and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for humans human health, magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger, and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed, and more energized. Your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which.

Absolutely supports a healthier sex life.

Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age. Well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comparable comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualia life.com sex with Emily for 50 off and here's a bonus use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q U A L I A life.com sexwithemily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.