How to Sex Up Your Holidays

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Hey everyone, thanks for checking out this episode of Sex with Emily. This episode, we are gonna help you keep the holidays sexy and not stressful. You know how that happens sometimes. I'm gonna be giving you tips on how to deal with the in-laws, how to have better sex, even more sex. And the perfect gifts that keep on giving all year. So thanks for listening. And also thank you so much for supporting my sponsors who also would happen to make a great holiday gift. So buying a mattress is one of the worst consumer experiences in the world. Do you agree? You go to the store and you know what? Statistically, lying on a bed for 4 minutes has no correlation to whether or not it's the right bed for you. So how do you know? You spend a third of your life sleeping on a mattress and let's be honest, Mattress stores are downright kind of terrible. They're always trying to sell you. How do they know what I like? Hard, soft, they don't know. And they sell you the wrong beds and the prices are so marked up. But Casper is a new brand of mattress. They sell it online. They cut out the middleman. And what they did was they nailed it. They test dozens of designs and the best-selling mattresses out there. And they created a formula works for everybody. And they sent me one and I was super skeptical because I like my mattress. But I am obsessed with my Casper. It is just the right, like, sink, just the right bounce. Casper mattresses is one of a kind. It's a new hybrid mattress that combines a premium latex with memory foam. And we all know memory foam is a big thing. So it's the most popular mattress technology that's used today. And they made it easy to buy, less expensive. They are so much less expensive. And it's delivered to your home and you get to try it for 100 days or return it. They obsessively engineered, you gotta read about the guy who started the company. He obsessively engineered the mattress at such a fair price. So if you compare to industry average of prices, you can save so much money on these. They're like, you know, $500 for a queen when it's usually $1,000. I mean, it's just the prices are amazing. So Casper turned the buying process of a mattress into a risk-free experience, 'cause Casper understands the importance of truly trying out a mattress that is, in reality, you spend a third of your life on. So they sent me one, I was weary, I opened it, I've never had such a good night's sleep. I'm not kidding you, it's like being in a hotel bed. You know how you always love hotel beds? So this is what you gotta do. Go to casper.com, C-A-S-P-R, slash Emily, use promo code Emily, and you get $50 off any mattress that you wanna purchase. $50 off, risk-free trial and return policy. Try it for 100 days. If you don't like it, send it back. I promise you, you won't, but try it. Casper.com/Emily, promo code Emily, $50 off. Try it. You'll have a better sleep ASAP. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my, do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry, it shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Check out my goddamn website.

Do it.

Awesome. No, I'm serious. Like, I've got lots of information there.

Just do it.

People are different kind of listeners. Some people want to listen, some people want to read. I've got lots of educational things happening there.

Get there.

But like funny education, smart, you know, you're not gonna fall asleep. It's like I'm talking about how to give a good blowjob, come on.

I'm being your hype man, right?

Also sign up for my mailing list, too, right? In the background.

I'm in the background, right?

It's Amazon.

I'm telling people to go.

I like this show.

I'm being your hype man. Like, go there, go there now.

Like, if people like the show, you can just check it out and you'll be like, oh, why don't I come here every day?

What's good about it is like just in the middle of the day, I'll go on my email and I'll have an email from you and I'm like, oh. I know. And then I think about you. Don't you like Emily Morse? Oh, it's M, yeah, okay.

They're awesome. I mean, they're not too much.

A little Sex with M in the middle of your day.

And they're good tips. So yes, sign up for my mailing list too, 'cause I will send you emails and you'll get some special offers and fun things, but not a lot in an annoying way, 'cause right now it's the holidays. How annoying is your inbox right now with all these friggin' things offering deals? But you're a dude, so you probably don't have a lot.

You know what's funny is like, I don't see it on the computer, but if I look at my Gmail on my phone, I see all the junk mail and I'm reminded of how much stuff gets like directly to spam, spam, spam.

Yeah, it's good.

I get yours though on either/or.

I love that. I appreciate that. I don't go into— well, you know, I might go into spam the first time, so you should check your trash after you sign up. But I don't think— I think it's because it says sex in the title. But yeah, they're good ones. I'm glad everyone does that. So, Anderson, how was your holiday?

It was fine. How was yours?

Mine was—

you're in the desert, right?

I was in Palm Springs.

This is the land of the gays.

I actually was with gays, very lovely gay men, friend of mine and friends of mine, my friend and her friends who happen to be gay and wonderful. And we had a great time. Dinner, sat by the pool, was amazing. I never do that. I never just leave town often.

No, you usually go back to like, uh, the tundra.

This is the first year that I decided not to go. First year in like 20 or one of the first that I decided not to go with my family to Thanksgiving. I'm going to see them over Christmas because I just, I go every year, but I just thought, you know what, I haven't had a day off or a break and I'm just going to chill and I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions. And it was awesome.

I would think skipping the family is probably better for your sex life.

It absolutely is better for your sex life because, um, well, no, not, it's funny that you say that, Anderson, because we're gonna be talking about that. How did you know that?

No, I have no clue what we're talking about.

I'm just going off my family. You really don't. I don't even talk to you. But no, we are actually talking about the holidays and cuz they are around the corner. Everyone, a lot of you went home, a lot of you have the holidays coming up, whatever you celebrate, but you might go see the family soon. You probably will. And so I feel like this time of year, it, it's really kind of known to be a very stressful time for couples. I mean, I know that the holidays are supposed to be cheery and happy and warm and all this good stuff, but let's— right, Anderson? Do you get stressed out or no?

Oh yeah, I mean, everyone does.

Do you really? I mean, because I don't, because I—

I get stressed out with the shopping.

I mean, I do a little, but not like you do, because I don't have like in-laws and stuff.

Yeah, I got like, you know, 15, 20 people that it's like instantaneously I have to think of like what I should get them.

Right.

It's a pain in the ass.

It is a pain. And how do you feel about your in-laws? Eh. Okay, right, so it's not easy.

They think I'm okay.

They must love you, come on.

I'm like the second best out of two.

What do you mean?

Well, they have another son-in-law. They have all daughters. So, but they have two sons-in-law.

How many daughters?

They have three daughters. Three daughters, no boys. And then now they have two son-in-laws, and I am like a distant second.

Why?

Because the other guy's handy, and he's around all the time, and he's already given them two kids, and he's from New York, and he's like, he's that guy.

He's handy, he like puts in light bulbs and stuff, and like fixes their kids when they're broken?

Yeah, he did their entire patio, and I can't compete with that. Plus I've slipped up and said a few things about the mom in front of everyone at her expense, which you don't do with that family.

No, you really don't. You made fun of the mom? Like early on and you could never rescind or no?

Right, yeah, they still bring that up every time. You mean like the one time when you called our mother stupid?

No, they don't.

Yeah.

Really?

It's bad.

But they must love you. Are you just saying that? But they must like love that you make their daughter so happy.

Yeah.

Okay, how about your own family? Do you see them on the holidays?

Yeah, that's, yeah, that's, that's its own thing. I don't talk about that.

Okay. This is the thing. So, okay.

So gotta split 'em up. Yeah. It's like double the fun though.

Right. And so it's stressful, but it's like, it's, I was just thinking about this on the way here cuz I love coming here during the show and I, my brain just goes, I'm like, oh my God. You know, it's interesting the holidays because it's so confusing. Like everything in life, there's a lot of dualities. There's the joy, you know, the holidays, gifts and presents and family. And I'd say 50% of it maybe for a lot of people or more could just be like stress and gifts and family and all the drama that, that can bring up. And so things get crazy at work and you know, you've struggles. You find— want to find the perfect gifts and all that stuff. So I'm going to give some tips for, you know, surviving the in-laws and all that stuff. And but first I want to say something that I think is going to go back to— that's just gonna help everybody and something I've been thinking about a lot too, is that like the holidays do get hard and they can be confusing. And I just want everyone to know this because it's something that I had to deal with with my family. And this is just— there's nothing to do with sex at all, but I'm going to get to it, I promise— is that your parents did the best they could raising you with the skills that they were provided. So I'm sure they had, like, whatever they did to you or whatever issues they bring up for you. And I'm not saying everyone— like, you could love your parents, but everyone's got issues. They did the best they could. Their parents probably did the same things to them that they do to you, or that's how they were raised. They didn't know any better, but they love you to the best of their ability. And your parents aren't going to change. They're never going to change. So every year you're going to continue perhaps to get disappointed or let down by similar things that happen every year, like, oh God, Mom did again. So the only thing that's going to change for sure and that you know that's going to change is you and your expectations that you have of what's going to happen over the holidays. So if every year you expect that you're going to go home, it's going to be great and your mom's going to get you the perfect gift and your dad's going to compliment you on your raise at work and all the great things you're doing and is really nice to your husband or whatever, it's not going to happen this year. Am I not? I mean, I hope, you know, people can change, but only if they want to. And so typically people in our lives, you know, unless they go through some metamorphosis on their own or therapy, they're really gonna be the same. And I'm just gonna save you. A lot of people know this. If you, do you know this, Anderson? Do you accept your parents yet? I think like people when they're younger, they don't, like, I think I had to go through this like in therapy and figure it out and hate my mom and get mad and then talk to her and confront her and then let it go and realize, did you go through this? Yeah.

I think usually when you get closer to like your parents' age when they had you, right? You have a lot more insight as to like what might've been going through their head.

Exactly. So I'm just— this is just a public service announcement, okay? Because I think it's, uh, so you're saying get your dad a flashlight? No, I'm just being honest to people that I've been thinking about this a lot and talking about this a lot this weekend, that your family just, you know, whatever. So try to have a good time this holiday season and try not to be so stressed and love your family and appreciate them and love your partner, because appreciation and showing generosity and appreciation are the things that make relationships stronger. And if you get all stressed out and anxious and you stop connecting and you stop having sex because you're worried about your family and what to buy, then just going to let it slip by. So let's all pledge to have a really joyous holiday season.

So you're saying have sex in your family's house?

Exactly. Funny you should say that, because we have a Sex in the News story about that. Really? Do you have sex in your in-laws' house?

I don't talk about those things.

Okay. Half of Americans admit to having sex while staying with family over the holidays. It's a poll. Hosting relatives and friends over the holidays? Odds are they're getting randy in the guest bedroom, because according to a poll conducted by online travel site Priceline.com, nearly half 49% of the 1,000 US respondents admitted to engaging in some sort of holiday nookie, be it in the teenage bedroom they grew up in or their aunt's fold-out couch in the basement. But it's not just horny houseguests that are engaging in R-related holiday fun. It applies to the hosts. They admit to being naughty in their boudoir while the guests slept, and maybe that's why two-thirds, 68%, of Americans say they preferred that their out-of-town guests stay in hotels. I want everyone to say, I want to stay in hotels. I don't want to stay with anybody ever. Ever. Like, I don't even want people to stay with me, nor do I want to stay with anyone. Not even guys. Like, seriously, if I'm dating someone, maybe. But who the hell wants— it's so much better if you can have your life and your time and your— you know, we're adults. Do you agree, Anderson?

You just finished saying enjoy your family, accept them, and enjoy the holidays. Stay by yourself.

Stay in a hotel. No, I'm just saying.

I just want me and my Mimi in room 134.

Okay, whatever. I understand that you all can't say no tells. I'm just— that's my personal thing. But if you're staying with your family and, um, and you're gonna have sex, which you probably will, I'm gonna be giving you some ideas later for— I do think you can be rosy over the holidays. Just say no tell. You— I have things that you can— they're actually— if you get randy in the hotel, it's totally fine. And in the randy in the— with your parents—

what?

There's discreet toys that I'm gonna tell you that are very quiet that you can use.

You should— you should probably recant that. Randy at your parents' house, not randy with your parents.

Did I say randy with your parents?

You did.

Randy with your parents could mean having a good time. Does randy always mean sex?

It does, I think. It's a British thing.

Okay, whatever. So that's what people do. So you don't know, I've had sex at my mom's house.

Yeah, there's something about going to the in-law's house or even your own house, especially if it's like your childhood house. So there's a lot of memories there, a lot of sexual ghosts in that house, you know?

But like parents know that. My parents, like I actually, I always stay with my parents in Michigan. I'm kidding, actually all that rant, 'cause I was just thinking about my stressfulness of staying with anybody like except for my family, 'cause I actually do love my family. But I've had sex at my mom's house a lot, like in, like in recent years too. Like I used to hook up with my ex and we'd go in like her patio. My mom passes out, she doesn't know.

Well, your mom passes out and you have sex.

I had the best— do you know that 2 years ago I had the best sex at Thanksgiving? Or 2 years, a few years ago, this was more than that, with an ex-boyfriend who was also from my hometown. We had amazing sex, the best sex ever. In fact, every year I get a text from him— we broke up 5 years ago— on Thanksgiving that we had great sex at my parents' patio. And I don't know why.

Frigid.

It was freezing. It was hot though and cold. I can't explain it.

I can see hot. Is he married with kids now? Uh, yeah. And he still texts you?

No, he's not married with kids. Sorry. No, he has a girlfriend. But yeah, he's like that night Thanksgiving. Yeah, dude, they all text me still. Is that bad?

Oh yeah, I'm sure they're watching.

I don't do anything. No, because I'm friends with all my exes. It's fine. I give them good memories. You know, that's what I can do. That's what I leave them. And they move on and they're better men with better women.

I'd love to see what your Christmas card looks like.

My Christmas card?

You send Christmas cards to all your ex-boyfriends? With just like photos of the places you guys banged?

I do, actually. And I addressed it to them and their wives, and I'm like, remember that time?

It's awesome. Because most people send out like, you know, pictures with them and their kids and their spouse, but you just send like locations of places that are hot places you banged.

Yeah, should— no, maybe I should just do a montage of me and all my exes like in the places that we went, like of all the places together in one car.

Just the locations with like puddles left behind.

Exactly. Lube bottles strewn across the floor. And no joke, that has happened to me. Okay, another thing is men who do housework work, really clean up in the bedroom. So there have been these studies. This has come out in recent years, like women are turned on by housework and people laugh and they're like, oh, it's really hot if my husband's emptying the dishwasher. But it's really just not about that because couples who— I think that, you know, couples were together. I know that couples are together. They share the dishwashing, vacuuming, other domestic chores once considered women's work, have a better and more fulfilling sex life, which is a new study. And it makes sense because relationships are, you know, contemporary relationships. We're all doing everything. We're working, you know, we women are working, men are working. And they want equal sharing and they want your partner to be contributing. So, you know, women who are left with the sole responsibility, cleaning the house, doing laundry, that would piss me off, taking care of the kids. And the last thing they wanna do is have sex. Guys come home, they're doing that. You know what I'm saying? So if you're on the same level playing field, you're gonna, you know, have more sex. So everyone should, you know, sweep and empty the dishwasher and the, the garbage baskets, waste baskets. Do you do that? Do you guys have chores that you split up?

No, I do everything.

Come on.

I do most of it. 'Cause I'm home during the day and she works during the day.

Do you care?

No, like, I do all, like, the heavy lifting. And I always think it's manipulation, 'cause she'll, like, you know, I'll be taking the trash out or folding the laundry and she'll be like, "You're so hot when you do that." No, but it really is hot. I think she's just manipulating.

No.

She wants me to hear that so it's positive reinforcement.

No.

So I'll do it again.

No, but then does she have sex with you after that?

She, you know, whenever.

You're not gonna answer that? But I'm telling you, when men split the workload, it says women feel less overwhelmed and have a little bit more room in their mind for more sex. Sexy activities, and it's hot when she's down on her hands and knees plumbing. Have you seen a man in rubber gloves?

What?

I don't know, with a tool belt. It's— no, I'm telling you, I've— so this guy was dating, um, you know, when I first moved my apartment in LA like a year ago, he came over and he— this is, and this is a true story— came over and he put together like my dimmer switch and hung stuff up in the bathroom, all this stuff. And I was told I was I was turned. It was hot. I'm like, you know how to do that? Like, it sounds like such a chick thing because I can't do anything like that. I have other skills, but it was hot. And then we had great sex. I appreciated it.

See, you're describing my brother-in-law. I can't compete with that. He comes over.

Can you cook?

Can you edit?

Could you edit them a video, family video or something?

I did actually for their first daughter's wedding. I did the whole thing.

So they must have loved that. You're a great editor.

I thought it was okay. They were too busy laughing at his jokes to even notice it. I think when I pushed play.

I hate this guy. Can we bring him down this year? Just kidding. It's all love.

On the show.

He would be?

Oh yeah, he's like a total New Yorker guy.

Yeah, like New Yorker. What do you mean? But there's so many things that that means.

He's from Long Island. He's like the real deal. No, he's Italian.

Oh, Italian.

He's like an Italian George Costanza.

Okay, but he's a good— he's a good to you, the good— the daughter?

Yeah, he treats her well.

Okay, so the thing is, help out over the holidays. And again, the holidays are just— there's so much about stress, and I just feel like we need to do everything we can to make it— because, you know, this is the season that like puts a lot— like, do you ever fight with your partner over the holiday? I mean, I know a lot— I've broken up with boyfriends. There's just a lot of stress that goes on, a few little fights. So I'm gonna tell you how you survive the in-laws. First is, um, use active listening skills. Listen to what they're saying. Don't insult your in-laws like, like Anderson does. Listen carefully. What?

One time, that's all it takes.

It's all it takes. They never forget. Um, okay, so here's the thing.

I think bring them a bottle of wine too, right off the bat, right? Get them liquored up.

Get them a really nice bottle of wine. Do you bring them stuff? Are they drinkers?

Yeah, they have a few. See, I always show up with booze because I want to get them a little bit sauced so that, you know, they're easier to deal with.

See, that's what everyone does over the holidays, don't you think? That's why everyone's having— I was gonna say that the article earlier, the news story, everyone's having sex because everyone's drunk and you're more likely to have sex.

There are a lot of babies in September, a lot of births.

Yeah, it's true.

My mom works in the nursery and it goes crazy in September.

Oh, it's absolutely true. Virgos, anal child.

What?

Anal, anal retentive. You know, if you're a Virgo, an anal child. No, no, no, no, I did not mean that.

The thing with the holidays, Em, is like they're either 100 miles an hour or it's nice when you're actually sitting around doing nothing because people have time off too. So when you can actually enjoy like the Christmas tree or whatever, you know, the decorations you got in the fireplace, enjoy it. Enjoy those little moments. But everything else is like 100 miles an hour because you have to do everything double speed and get everyone something and do more work so you can take time off.

Exactly. So you have to take evenings. This is my tips for couples. I'll go back to the in-laws in a minute because it's actually— that's a better— that's a good point, is that take evenings for yourself. So like, if you guys look at your calendar and you guys are both really busy, like, try to plan evenings where you're, you know, you're, you're not shopping, you're not doing things, and you're like, let's watch holiday movies or whatever it is that used to make you love the holidays. Like, go back to when you were a child. And you think about what made you happy. You know, maybe it's watching Christmas movies or watching, you know, porn. I don't know. Have a night where you guys can help each other relax. So give each other massages. Like, make it— like, try to— if you could ever do it any other time of year, this is the time, because it will keep you connected. Can you do that, Anderson? Give her a massage with my massage candle. Really?

She gets those like all seasons.

She does? Oh yeah. You massage her a lot?

I need another one, actually.

Do you really?

We use a lot.

I have some in my trunk. Cool. Um, yeah, buy my Emily and Tony candles. What?

Cool, we'll get some from your trunk later.

Yeah, we'll get it from my trunk, that sounds, that sounds really hot. Okay, so help each other relax and like have lots and lots of sex. So, I know that a lot of times when you're stressed you actually don't want to have sex, but it's kind of like you fake it till you make it sometimes, I think with women. It's like I say, and I hate to say faking it and sex in the same sentence because you should never fake an orgasm, but it's like I say going to the gym, you put your shoes, the hardest part is getting to the goddamn gym. And sometimes with sex, you think I'm stressed, but just like try, just give in. If you're a man or a woman, I'm not saying it's either men or women who Sex makes everything better. Your serotonin raises. You'll just be more connected and be willing to compromise also, you know, on, you know, your plans for the holidays. So don't say yes to every party. And also when I was talking about families earlier, that if you do have in-laws or you're seeing a boyfriend, whatever it is, or even if you're by yourself like I did this year, set boundaries because the holidays should be about what you want and you don't have to say yes to everything. So you could start to say, you know, I love your family or I love my family, but I'm only going to go home for 3 days and not 5. Like, take control of your life and figure out, you know, and if you're in a relationship, compromise. Don't you guys have to do some of that compromising? Who sees who, you know? Right, Anderson?

Oh, absolutely. It's like, like, yeah, yeah, 5 o'clock. How do we go to your house at 6? Like, because 4 is hours with the family, with my family. But what you were saying earlier about sex is, uh, and I love it, you said it a long time ago on Loveline, but it really stuck, was, uh, when are you ever gonna, like, after you're done with sex, go, ah, I shouldn't have done that? Unless it's a bad decision with the wrong person. Like, if you're having sex with your partner, you know, like, a lot of time you're not in the mood to begin with, but once you actually do it and you're done, it's not like, ah, why did I waste my time doing that?

Right, working out, right? Do you agree? It's just like working out.

Just like working out.

Like, you could actually see a bad movie and be like, why did I see that bad movie?

Wasted my day, my 2 hours.

Exactly. Like, you probably do a lot for your podcast.

I do, but never do I finish sex and go, wow, I wasted 5 minutes.

Or the gym. Exactly. Like, so if you guys like the gym, right? Have you ever worked— what'd you say?

I waste Waste of 5 minutes of my life. Sex. I was making a joke.

No one's— and this is how I feel about sex toys too. No one's ever like, you know, or masturbation. They never— like, couples are like, what choice? Like, no one's ever said, why did you tell us to use a sex toy together? It was horrible. But it's true.

So masturbation, yes, there's a lot of regret there, often with many men especially. Like, I can't believe I just looked at that.

Really? You guys have so much shame and regret.

A lot of regret.

Yeah, I think, you know, guys, let that computer slowly away from me. Let it go. I think it's bad that— I mean, I obviously— it's a problem for a lot of men if it's like compulsive and there's issues, but really, like There needs to be more Christmas-themed porn.

There really does.

I was just gonna say that. I was gonna say watch a holiday movie or watch a Christmas parody like, um, Ho, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh Baby. I don't know. What would be— I don't know, I'm Jewish. What would be a good Christmas thing?

I don't know, I'm drawing blanks here. Rudolph. That's all I got.

Rudolph the Red Nose.

Rudolph the Red what? Go ahead.

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. The red hose ate her deer.

Ate horned deer.

Ate horned deer, put it in her ass, something like that.

I don't know what that means, but I'll let you know.

I'm gonna think of a better one when I have more time. Okay, so listen, so just stay focused. Also supporting your partner, cuz they're probably not, if it's the first time you're going home with someone, they might not be aware of what's going on with your family. It could cause frustration and headaches and, uh, stuff like that. Remember to breathe. And like I said, create, oh, this is the in-law part. So I just skipped to this. Okay, so in-laws. Stay focused on supporting your partner. So here's the thing a lot of couples don't do. They don't support their partner when they're with the families, and then that creates stress and tension. So I think you should discuss it ahead of time if you know that something's gonna happen, and it happens every year. Discuss it. Do you guys do this? Like, be prepared for my mom to bring up the joke about when I insulted her.

Oh yeah, yeah, I get like, don't make fun of my mom again like you did 4 years ago. Yeah, don't say anything about my mom's intelligence like you did for you. I got it. Rudolph the whore trained No, reindeer. Train deer. Yeah, and then there's a train that gets run on a girl dressed as a deer.

For real, that's the name of the movie?

That's what I'm making up.

Okay, good. I know I wish I'm actually usually really good at this stuff, but my brain is firing different directions because I want to talk more about, um, in-laws. No, no, no, but the thing is, is that, um, yeah, it can be stressful. So you have to, you know, just, just, you can have emotional reactions. Just try to keep it together, people, and have a good holiday. Going back to that, even if I'm sometimes a little sarcastic about it, I just want everyone to have a great holiday. And part of that is picking the perfect gift. So this is like the third. So the first thing is how to be bonding with your partner over the holidays, second with the in-laws. And now let's just talk about picking the perfect gifts. Does it stress you out, Anderson? Like, does she give you a list?

What do you do for her?

Yeah.

Well, yeah. And her birthday is December 2nd, so it's double whammy. But no, I mean, as far as she goes, like, I mean, you guys, you're kind of fucked if you haven't been paying attention all year, to be honest. And you know, Emily, you can attest to this.

What?

You guys drop hints throughout the year.

Yes, we do.

And if you jot those little hints down and you get even just 2 or 3 of them, things that she's been saying throughout the year, like, "Ooh, I like that. Ooh, those boots are cute. Don't you think I'd look hot in that?" And then you go back and you get those things.

So do you do that? You write it down every time?

I do. I got a list on my phone. I keep things on my phone.

That's really smart. So you're all set to go. That saves it. That's so, I mean, but some people are like, request specific things from their partners, I guess. I never did that. I don't know.

Cash.

Yeah, exactly. I'll take your Visa for a day. Thank you. So here's what I think, you know, personally, I'm gonna give you some of my favorite recommendations because I think that sex toys and sex products make the best holiday gifts. And it's not because— and I'm not even saying like, I'm not gonna sit here and friggin' talk about vibrators and stuff like that. I'm just saying that it reminds you, you can get a bunch of other things, maybe she wants those boots that make her feel good or, you know, whatever, the new iPad. She should have that, but if you get one thing this year, like, I don't care if it's a stocking stuffer, there's some joke in there, right? Get a little something sexy. Just throw something sexy in there because it's— you should prioritize your sex life over the holidays. It reminds you both that your sex life is important and it reminds you that, you know, you can put off cleaning up wrapping paper or whatever so you can run upstairs and try out the new toy. Something new and fun to try, or a new, you know, watch a new whatever, try the new lube, or, um, I have some other ideas here for people. You know I'm gonna get you something sexy for your— you and your partner, right?

I, I— that's— what do I get you?

See, don't get me anything.

I'm stressed.

Oh my God, don't get me fucking stressed. No, here's the thing, I'm really this way. I'm not, I'm not the chick like that that says that and doesn't mean it, like don't get me anything, but I really mean it.

I got you like a set of tools, I think, last year.

I think— didn't Mike get me that?

Fuck you.

Did you get me that?

So hurtful.

Wait, I thought—

it's very hurtful.

No, no, no, you bought me.

Yeah, yes, I gave you— it was like a ratchet set or something.

I use it— wait, the whole big thing?

Yeah, the big thing.

I use it all. I use it all the time. Well, the guy does.

You thought Mike Catherwood got it?

No, you gave it to me. I remember that.

Uh-huh. It was like a month late, remember? I kept—

yeah, totally. Why did I think it was Mike? Because, right, I totally remember. Dude, I don't know why I thought that in this moment. I use that all the time. That was the best gift ever, a toolkit. Because, and I'm kidding, like, well no, the guy came over and used it to do the zipper.

Did he use it on you, Emily?

No, I don't have toys for that. No, he didn't. Dude, that was the best present. I've never had a toolkit. I love it. It was like a hard, hard cloth.

You said that you liked it so much you wanted to go home and break some shit at your house.

I did, and I actually did break some shit, and I use it a lot actually, 'cause I am handier than I let on to. But I don't want people to start calling me to like start fixing their toilets.

I thought Mike got it for you. You know what Mike got you? He got you nothing.

It's true, I don't know why. Honestly, when I come back, I'm telling you my best toys for the holidays, presents, things are going to blow your mind, I promise. But first, a word from our amazing sponsors. Hey everyone, let me ask you a question. Are you getting enough? I bet you'd love a little more, right? Well, adamandeve.com wants to give you more with 10 free gifts. First, you'll get a sexy surprise for her. Second, a specially selected toy for him. And third, a little something we know you'll both enjoy. Plus, you'll get 6 full-length adult movies on DVD. And number 10, free shipping on your entire order. So what do you have to do to get your 10 free gifts? Not hard at all. Go to adamandeve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, sexy piece of lingerie, anything you desire. Just enter offer code EMILY at checkout and you'll get all 10 free gifts. I got this for everyone on my list because I'm telling you, all my friends' birthdays, whatever, get them something sexy. Get them something that they want. Go to adamandeve.com today, select one item, get 10 free gifts including free shipping. I love free shipping. I love 10 free gifts. Enter offer code EMILY. That's E-M-I-L-Y at adamandeve.com. Okay, so back to, back to the, uh, gift stuff.

Back to the program.

Back to the program. Okay, so here's some of my favorite things that I like. These are things, okay, so you all know that I do try everything. I get everything in the world sent to me, every toy, every product, and I never tell you anything that I don't think is amazing. So this is just a little sexy somethings that I think that you should, um, from all my research. I do really hard work. I have to masturbate. I've spent a lot of time testing stuff and I try a lot of toys that I don't like that I don't talk about and a lot of products that I do not tell you about because I wouldn't do that.

Do any of them hurt?

Yes, I've had pain. I've had to go to the emergency room.

No, you did not.

No, but if I did, I wouldn't tell you unless I hated you.

Better for the sake of the show, you have to talk about it.

I feel bad. Like, what if there was someone— you're right, you're right. No, I would talk about the ER, but no, no, no sex. It's like the show Sex Toys Sent Me to the ER. Do you know that?

Sure, that's a great topic.

No, there's a show called Sex Sent Me to the ER.

Oh, really?

Wanting to be on this show. Have you seen it?

No.

It's actually funny. I watched it once by mistake.

How many episodes could they have?

There's like millions. It was so popular, like people —And then do you know what the worst part is? Anderson, you'll appreciate this as like a movie, film person, television. Are you a television person too? Good thing. It's all reenactments, which are the worst things ever.

Oh, so it's like bad acting?

Yeah, it's like— Do they do it dramatically? Oh yeah, it's all dramatic. It's actors playing the part of this. The one that I saw was a couple that jumped. She's like, so it opens up. I'm just gonna have to tell you this story.

I have to see the show. Okay, so it opens up. This is what I'm doing for the holidays.

The couple, she's like, hi, my name's Bob, you know, my name's Mary. We've been together, you know, year and a half, and we just love sex. Yeah, we do. We do crazy things. We do crazy things. And this one time we went on a helicopter ride. I love jumping out of airplanes. We do. It's really fun. So they go up into the airplane and they said— and then she says, I want to have sex with you while we're jumping out with the parachutes, with jumping on the airplane with parachutes.

What about the pilot? Exactly.

So they jump out. So, you know, it's going to have like, what happens next? You know, you cut to the commercial like, like, how can you have sex jumping out of an airplane like with parachute? I'm giving such PR to the show. They jump out. And like, it turns out like they, they, they— she grabs them and they start having like— they're literally, they're like falling. And then he— they start having sex before they pull the parachute, right? Because you have like a few seconds. Pulls on his pants, she pulls her parachute and his won't go, and they're still having sex. And like, he falls to the ground, he's bloody. I mean, it finally goes, but he's got blood. It's like penis is ripped.

That's crazy. And it's— and he's like naked.

It's a reenactment. Yeah, so it's bad, but I'm talking about it. Freaking be careful. So no, I've never gone to the ER, but I would be— I would, uh I would be sure to put it in my YouTube channel. Alright, tell me about your sex toys that you want for Christmas. Okay, this is really important. So, okay, um, I— okay, women, a lot of women love jewelry under the tree. You've heard that before, diamonds are a girl's best friend. So the Crave Vesper is a beautiful gold-plated vibrator that doubles as an elegant necklace. And you've seen me wear it around my neck. I have not. Come on, I wore it in here. I didn't know I wore it. It looks like a pen, kind of. It's a gold— I was wearing it on the Love Line, and Mike's like, is that a vibrator around your neck? Because he saw on my Instagram I have it. Check it out. It's called the Vesper. It's beautiful. It's gold, and it's sleek, and it charges USB. And you know what? You can get it at goodvibes.com. Use coupon code Emily, you get 20% off.

I could see a lot of girls who are like, really hate their dads wearing these.

No, I wear it all the time just because I think it's really pretty. You hate daddy? No, I love— I don't have— no, I mean, I do have daddy issues.

She goes with her boyfriend back for the holidays. They use it on her during some having hot sex the night before, then she's wearing it at the dinner table for Christmas.

Yeah, it's hot.

And like, Daddy has no idea this was up inside me last night. Exactly. Vigorous. It's amazing.

You can actually clean it after.

What if it turns on by mistake?

No, that's what happens to me. So I was in a meeting and it turned on beneath— 'cause I wear it. I actually love it. It's a beautiful— that's the thing is that she'll love it 'cause it's a piece of jewelry and it actually is a really powerful vibrator. But you didn't really know I'm wearing it. I wear it all the time. It's a little—

Yeah, I've never seen anything that looks like a vibrator.

No, you wouldn't know. Mike just said it on Loveline because he saw me put on Instagram. But anyway, it doesn't look like it, but it looks like beautiful jewelry and people compliment me all the time. Like, it's actually a vibrator, so it's cool. But the point is, is if you— this only happened to me once. I was leaning forward and I, like, against a desk, and it— the little button, it was just first— it wasn't— it's not loud, it's very discreet. Oh, it's perfect for the holidays because you could use it and your parents won't hear you, or no one will— your relatives won't hear you because it's discreet. So anyway, and it started going on and I started shaking, and my boobs— like, it was like in the middle of my boobs. But it was like in a meeting with people. That wasn't a It wasn't like I was— who would I ever meet with? I would fucking care. Yeah, everybody would be like, that's awesome, that's a vibrator. But if I had like a serious meeting, I was like a banker, that would be bad. But what is this thing called? The Vesper by Crave. Okay, is it C-R-A-V-E or C-R-A-V-E? Vesper. V-E-S-P-E-R. Are you looking it up? No, I'm going to.

I, yeah, I'm going to.

You should.

Okay, I'm not gonna get it for her because that's, uh, she doesn't hate her dad, but that's awesome.

Dude, I love my dad. I don't need my dad. You don't have to bring it. I wear it all the time. My dad died, thank you very much. Wow, I didn't mean to abandon issues. It's okay, whatever. I'm fine, it was a long time ago. But I have no daddy issues. I do, but that's a whole other show. Alright, so, here's the thing. This is a great opportunity, like I said, sex toys, they remind you that sex is important. This is why you get your partner something that's sexy. I don't care if it's like laundry or blindfolds or whatever you do, but if you want to get something like a high-quality, high-end sex toy that you wouldn't normally like spring on, you're like, oh, I'm just gonna get something a little cheapy, which you probably should never do, the Jimmy Jane Forum too. It's amazing, they just relaunched it, the Jimmy Jane, do you know? The Form 2. You don't know that. It's a deluxe vibrator, packs a while. You can wear it during intercourse. It's like the two, like the, the nubs on the rabbit vibrators. She can move it between her clitoris. You can wear it in her hand, use her hand during intercourse. Alone, she can use it to vibrate. It's to— what's it called? The Jimmy Jane Form 2. And the new one, I like that name, Jimmy Jane. Really? What's— it's, um, what the hell is that? I don't know.

There's a new one. What is it? The gold plate?

What, Madison? The gold? It's not even on here. But whatever, they have a new great one. But go to goodvibes.com for all this stuff and get it. And it's my favorite toy forever. I got it years ago. They just relaunched it. It's awesome.

And it's high-end and elastic.

It's high-end and rechargeable. It's, um, waterproof. It's the best seller ever. I always recommend it. It's really super powerful. It's quiet. You can travel with it. And, um, it's, it's beautiful. It's won design awards. I love it. Next, here's the deal. Um, these are the top toys that your partner would, might want to see under the tree or in the stocking or whatever holiday you celebrate. Because another thing about giving them a toy or something sexy is that you're saying, I want to try new things. You're opening the door to new adventures in your sex life too. So that's another reason. Okay. For your favorite techie. So this is a new trend in sex toys right now that there's a lot of like wireless toys. There's the BlueMotion Bluetooth wireless vibe by OhMyBod. And it's so cool. We've talked about this. It could be controlled by via Bluetooth across a 26-foot range or from miles away connected by Wi-Fi. So if you're in a long-distance relationship, so it comes with pair panties. I actually got the first one. My friend Brian from Oh My God gave me the first for my birthday this year, the first one that came out. And you wear— it has these panties, like one size fits all, for reals, and it has a little vibrator in it. And your partner, from wherever they are, their cell phone at home or next to you, can control it. And you can like add the— you know, they could be wherever on their iPad.

It really is like the hello, how are you text of tomorrow, I think. What do you mean? Like all day long, the wife and I will send a little text like saying hi, Hey, how are you? I'm thinking of you. Because we don't see each other for, you know, 14 hours at a time. But in the future, I think that'll just be like a little, hey, how are you? You know what I mean? Instead of a text, it'll be like a little—

I freaking hate text messaging. I want to bring back voicemail messages. I'm pissed off about it. I think texting is, is the biggest inconvenience. I'm not even gonna go there. So I'd rather have someone vibrate me in my panties than freaking text me.

Oh, what if you learn Morse code as a couple?

Heavy hot. Yeah, why not learn something new as a couple? Like, so this is super cool. These are like— this is the latest technology for like either one of you are techie, it's fun and it's good for couples. Another good couples toy is the We-Vibe 4 Plus, which is a wearable vibrator. Um, you can use it lots of— you could also use it during masturbation alone, obviously.

When you say wearable, will you help me out?

Yeah. Okay. So it looks like a C, it's remote control. It can also be hooked up to your, uh, hooked up to your phone as well. And it can be worn by the woman during sex and it stimulates both the clitoris and the G-spot. So it's like this, like a to see, so she puts it inside of her and it also rubs her clitoris and you can have sex while she's wearing it and you will like the vibrations as well. Men do. Men like vibrations. This is the thing. No guy ever said to me, so I'm saying, they've never said, oh, why did you tell me to use a vibrator with my partner? It was the worst thing. I hated the vibrations on my balls or my penis. Like men, like they think it's like just for women and they're always so psyched when they're like, oh wow, can I borrow your vibrator? Cause that felt awesome on my balls. And that's like the We-Vibe because he can feel the vibration. She can, or you can, again, you could give him a handjob with it. Like you could do so many things with this. Toy and it's the 4 Plus, the We-Vibe 4 Plus, and there was like a million of them and I gotta be honest, I tried the 1, 2, and 3, eh, didn't love, slipped around, wasn't great during intercourse. This one is the best. The 4 Plus, they friggin nailed it and it's remote control and you can use it all these different ways and so if you're thinking, eh, I'm not sure, like I might wanna give it to her, so you could give it to your partner as a solo thing for her or for both of you, so that's why it's awesome and okay, so the best new toy, something you probably don't have, these are all the like more luxury toys, is Astronic Zwei Pulsator. So it's a thrusting. Okay, so these are, this is by Fun Factory. It is a thrusting toy. Thrust instead of vibrates. So it's like it has a multi-speed motor. It creates a back and forth motion. So you hit the G-spot and all this stuff, but it's like you have to see it. Like if you think these videos, you can Google it like a Fun Factory or go to goodvibes.com and it, it pulses. Do you know what I mean? Like, like if you put on the table, it'll like fall off like that kind of thing. It's like you're having sex. It's like someone is having sex with you. It inches forward, inches back. Back and forth, back and forth, it's awesome. Okay, best put toy for your guy is that, you know, Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit. I talk about the Fleshlight, but the Stamina Training Unit, I happen to know, is a great gift because, for couples, because it's great for her too, because it'll help you last longer in bed, plus feels really good, you can give him a handjob, maybe, you know, as part of his gift or something. Or he can use it on his own, and it helps you last longer in bed, and that's my favorite one. And I don't have a penis, but from what I've heard, from the people that I know and from the reviews I've read, it's freaking amazing.

That'd be good just to have like the paperwork and always have it laying around whenever you are like, you know, having fun with yourself. And then if she catches you, you can be like, honey, I'm training for you. I'm ready to check that out. I'm training.

No, that's the thing, that's exactly true. You can say that I'm training, I'm doing this for you. And then Madison, my assistant, production assistant, she actually gave it to her boyfriend and he tried a few of them and he loved it. And sometimes she's like, I don't really want to have sex tonight, I'm not into it. And then she's like, oh, here, take this. And she's totally fine with it.

He's on his own. She's subtly—

she's just looking up at me, but I've told this story before, so she can't be upset. Yeah, exactly. She puts it on his pillow and says, you know, I'm going to go finish working or writing, whatever she's doing. She's probably writing because she's a great writer and you should check out her blog and website. Okay. Also, okay. So here it is. So yeah, that's what we got. So, oh, all-purpose. Also, this is the one. It's the Jimmy Jane Form 2 Deluxe. That's what I was saying with the Form 2. They have now, they have a deluxe one and they still have a training unit. And then also my lube. You can get some lubes. You know, you can never be too rich, too thin, have too much lube. You got your lubes back?

What lubes? You have your own lubes?

I do. No, I don't. The Emily and Tony lubes? Yeah.

Are you gonna be able to find these on your website?

Like, are they gonna be linked to all these things? Everyone go— the best, the easiest thing to do is to go to sexwithemily.com, click on the Good Vibes banner, and then I have a store there. And then when you go into my store, you're gonna see all everything they talked about, and you might see something, oh, I like that, but I kind of, you know, I'm thinking this, maybe a little more variation. Everything that's on my page there, I've tried. It's tested. It's true. They also have gift guides on there. And it's just get one thing, one little— you can get her the friggin iPad, I don't care. Get him— what do guys want? What the hell do you want? Seriously, what do you ask your wife for? What's she gonna get you?

Nothing I want.

What would she get you?

That's another thing, it's just such a hassle. What do you want? I want someone to clean up with the stuff that I have, and I don't want it. Sick of stuff, man.

Okay, what if she got you like a nice vacation? The point is—

oh, that'd be great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have like a fruitcake on your list? I was hoping you'd have all these like sexual exploits, and then there'd be like one like like a cupcake making kit.

You know, there is stuff like that on my website. Check it out. No, but just get one. Get her sex checks that are $6 from Good Vibes. Whatever. Sex checks? What's that? They're like little checks, like good for one blowjob, good for one handjob, good for sex outside. They're fun. Like, they're, you know, you don't— I'm getting you sex checks. Not for me and you, obviously. Yeah, that'd be weird. No, what I'm saying is just, I just think that every chance you get, whether it's birthday, holidays, Valentine's, whatever, do, you know, get your partner something sexy that's gonna improve your sex life and enhance it and make it a little more fun. 'Cause let's be honest, it takes work sometimes when you're with someone for a while, right? Intercourse is not always so easy.

Yeah, you gotta get creative. And make sure those checks aren't cashed when you give them to me.

Exactly. I love you, honey. Yeah, what?

I know we got smart listeners, but I feel like it's kind of smart, it'd be good to maybe make a disclaimer and make sure that you remind people that if they are doing like family Christmas or family gift opening, as well as their own. Sometimes there's a mixture. Make sure, you know, you do color-coded wrapping paper.

Exactly, label the gifts. This is when you guys spend the night together alone before the holidays or whatever. It's a really good point. And make sure the vibrator's out of it in case that happens and starts vibrating, a vibrating box.

Batteries, keep them separate.

And also, this is all on my website too. I know I just kind of went through this because I don't want you guys, like, if you're like, whatever, I don't know, it's all on my website. There's a gift guide, it's called The Sure Thing. Emily's Truth and Gift Guide. And yeah, happy holidays everyone.

So you never do, you never do like the negative reviews on things? No, I would.

I really do. Do you really? It depends. Like if it was like, yeah, if my vagina blew up, for sure it'd be a great story. I'd talk about it. I'd be like, oh my god, I thought it was this, you know.

I, because I get shit because I see a lot of movies, but I don't like to talk badly about bad movies, so I just try not to talk about them. Yeah, no, I'm a very positive person.

I have to say that I really, I'm I'm genuinely a positive person. And it's funny because when I, you'll appreciate this, when I first started radio, they really wanted me to be more negative. You know, like they were like, be more, you know, when I was on air and live on the, you know, CBS radio.

Sex sells, negativity sells.

No, but they were like, be critical and be whatever. I know, I get it. I get this works in radio. I'm not that person. Like I'm not a mean judgmental, like, and so the point is, yes, if there was something that sucked, I tell you what's good and focusing on the positive. So you don't even mess around. If I didn't mention it, it's not frigging good. So just just go by what I say. I don't need to bring y'all down. Emily, now if something bad happens, like I shoot my eye out, you know, or like with the— something pops my eye and my vagina blows up in my butt, something, I'll let y'all know.

But that hasn't happened yet. But Emily, uh, you know, she says she tests all these things, and she, she's not lying. She really does. She comes in hobbling half the time, uh, but she's really working hard with her vagina to make sure that, uh—

oh, it's exhausting. Sex workouts. Okay everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Thanks everyone for listening and supporting my sponsors. I have to tell you about my new obsession, something very close to me. Um, I'm talking about the most comfortable underwear you'll ever put on. I have to tell you the story. So meundies.com sent me some underwear and I was skeptical at first because I'm super picky about what I put on my body. And I swear to God, you guys can feel these. These are the most most— I haven't worn them. These are the most comfortable underwear I've ever worn, I've ever put on my body. They feel amazing. And here's what I love: MeUndies is environmentally friendly, and the materials are made of sustainable and natural fibers. And like, I've bought nice underwear before, but it falls apart, it fades, shrinks. Not MeUndies. They have cool styles for men and women. They all look great. You can check out the photo yourself, meundies.com/Emily. And I'm telling this quality would typically retail for 2 times the price. It's super reasonable. So go to meundies.com/Emily, get 20% off your first order and free shipping, and they guarantee you're going to be happy with them, or your first pair is free. And I promise you'll be happy once you feel MeUndies on your body. You're never going back. But to get that 20% off, you have to go to meundies.com/Emily. Um, yeah, I got 4 pair of those.

You did? Not the panty type. And every time I'm going anywhere, they're always the first the boxes I throw in, right? Yeah, they're the vacation boxes.

I am obsessed. You feel like you're wearing nothing. I love, I love that you know them.

But you got secure. You're secure, so it's not like you're like free balling.

No, exactly. The men, they're tucked away. I first heard about it on another radio show and I was like, oh my God, it sounds awesome.

You heard about it on The Film Vault?

I heard on The Film Vault, which is Anderson's podcast, which you should all check out. Yeah, they're great.

They're fantastic. Okay, awesome. MeUndies.

Hello. Hi, it's me, Ross Matthews. America's gay. Listen, I get it, life is hard, okay? We all struggle. Boyfriend problems, girlfriend problems, job problems, life problems, which TV show to watch. Honey, I get it, you need help. That's why I'm here. I'm the gay best friend you wish you had and, honey, you know you need. It's Straight Talk with me, Ross Matthews. This is tough love, honey, but it's worth it, like plucking or waxing. Get your weekly gay pep talk right here on podcastone.com.