How to Stop Sexual Fears from Killing Your Sex Life

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How long have you had this fetish without telling somebody?

Like forever?

Like you're 38, so 20 years. Yeah, I mean, look at that. And I think that that's what we forget, right? That our partners want to please us. If we love our partners, we or we care. We want to like be great lovers and say, okay, I'll wear something spandex.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual sex. Today I want to talk about fear. I know you're thinking, well, that's not sexy, but, oh, it absolutely is. Once you figure out how fear plays out in your relationship and in the bedroom, you can learn how to let it go so you can have even more incredible sex with better communication. Maybe you're afraid to tell someone how you feel about them. Maybe you're worried about asking your partner to try something new. Maybe you're terrified they'll see you naked and change their mind. Whatever those fears are, they get in the way of you expressing yourself as asking for what you want and living your authentic sexual life. My intention is to help you identify your sexual roadblocks so they no longer hold you back. Because here's the truth. Most of our fears are just false evidence appearing real. We're our own worst enemies, making up rules about what we should be afraid of instead of going after the sex and love we actually deserve. All right, let's break through those fears together.

See, fear takes many forms. It's kind of sneaky, you know, Maybe you're afraid to tell someone how you feel about them. Maybe you're worried about asking your partner to try something new. Whatever those fears are, I'm telling you, it gets in the way of you expressing yourself, asking for what you want, and living your authentic sexual life. Now I get it. It's vulnerable. We're afraid of rejection. We're afraid of judgment from our partners. We worry that we're going to offend them. If we're honest, you know, about our desires, we're gonna start a fight. Well, today we're gonna take the first step towards facing our fears by actually talking about them. I take calls about period sex. This is a big fear for a lot of people. Fear of rejection, worries about penis size. And we talk a lot about body image fears in this episode too. There's so much we cover here. I hope you enjoy the show. Intentions with Emily. Join me in setting an intention for the show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? It could be. Yeah, Emily, I've got this fantasy, and I really want to learn how to discuss it with my partner. Even though I've never told anyone before, my intention is to help you identify your sexual roadblocks so they no longer hold you back. All right, Enjoy the show. What are some things, when you think about sex, that still scare you? What are the things that you still have fears around? When I think about what I do here, my job, and in talking to all of you, a big part of it is breaking through those fears around sex that hold us back. A lot of it is just that we're afraid of getting rejected. We're afraid of asking for what we want. And when I really started to think about, like, what? What are we scared? What Are we so afraid of. Right. Like with sex, it's like, if we could just break through. We're our own worst enemies. We're so afraid of talking about sex. We're so afraid of being vulnerable. Maybe we're afraid of being naked with a partner because they're. Oh, God. Once they see us naked, they're never gonna wanna go through with this, right? Or once they see my penis, it'll be over. Once I show who I authentically am to my partner, they're gonna break up with me. I really wanna talk dirty, but what if I sound stupid? I'm afraid. You know, afraid, afraid, afraid, fear, fear, fear, fear. It's all fear. It's all fear. So I thought, let's break through the things that scare us. Let's break through our fears. Cause I'm telling you, remember, fear, false evidence appearing real. It's our false evidence. You know, what do they say? We're the judge and the juror. We make up the rules around things that we're gonna be afraid of, and then we abide by them. We're like, oh, well, this will be awful. Never tell my partner I want to be spanked. I can never make a noise during sex. I'm so afraid that they're going to think I sound weird. And we are holding ourselves back from actually having the sex that we deserve and that we want. So I want to know from you, what is holding you back sexually? What are you still afraid of? And how can I help you break through it, even just the next step? Believe me, there's a lot of power in just stating it out loud. Saying, oh, this is something that kind of gives me a lot of anxiety when it comes to sex. You'll realize the power it holds of you. And then we're going to wipe it out this week. Okay? We're going to wipe it out. Get rid of your fears. Some people, including myself, historically, in the past, I was afraid of period sex. What if I got my period? What if I bled? What if something happened? Sydney, 20 in California now is calling about this very thing almost on cue. Hi, Sydney, thanks for calling. How can I help?

Hi.

Oh, my gosh. I can't believe you actually answered.

Yes. It's so perfect. I was like, yes, that is one of the things we're so afraid if we get our period, right?

Yeah, definitely. So I just started dating my partner recently, like within the past few months. And I actually have a really bad period, I guess you could say. I get my period almost twice a month sometimes. And I'VE tried birth control before, and the birth control actually somehow made it worse.

Yeah, that happens.

I'm not on it any. Yeah, so I'm not on it anymore. So, of course, I do get my period a lot, and I've been reading a lot of stuff on, like, period sex. Like, how it's supposedly magical, like, the period blood and all this stuff Sounds a little weird, but I've really been wanting to try it, and my partner has also been wanting to try it. But I just, like, I've heard so many scary stories about period sex and, like, the blood getting everywhere. And, like, I just want to know, like, first, how to calm down my anxiety, and second, how to prepare for it, I guess.

Sydney, this is such a great question. I can't tell you. So many of us can relate to this. So first, let me tell you this one thing is that there's no. There's no rules around it. There's some women who think it feels amazing. They're like, oh, God, period sex. I'm really horny, and it feels really good. And then some women feel like it's more painful, you know, so really, you just have to try it out and see how it feels to you. That's one thing. The other thing is, I mean, how. Yeah, blood can get everywhere, and how you prepare for it is you just throw down a towel, Throw down two towels. Throw down the towels that you can wash or the ones, you know, the beach towels, the things you don't care about. And if you think you're gonna get it, just keep it. I always keep a towel by my bed just in case I've got a towel, like, right next to my bed. I actually have this sex towel someone. It's like a sex sheet someone sent me, but you could use any towel and then just bleach it because, you know. And I love that you're 20 years old, because I wish I knew this at 20, that it really wasn't a big deal. Because I'm gonna tell you, like, for me, if on the first two days of my period, I get cramp, I have bad cramps, so I don't actually want to have sex. But then a few days in, I just tell my partner. I'm like, oh, my period. And we just throw down a towel. So I think that's how you prepare for it, and you go slow and you just see how it feels. But I don't think there's anything to be shameful about. And I think that some people might think it feels amazing, and I do believe that women's menstruation is magical. You know, we give life. It's where the power source is. It's the creative force of life. So I do think there's some truth to that, but I think that it really gets a bad rap because women have been shamed for it. What I love is, Sydney, you're able to change the narrative because so many women are grossed out because they think their partners are. But if you're like, yeah, I'm with a partner, let's bring it on. I got my period. You'll realize that it's not a big deal at all because we all bleed, right? So, I mean, that's how I would prepare for it. I would just go slow and see how it feels, and I think you'll get to figure out your rhythm. We actually did a podcast with a woman named Elisa Viti, and we talk all about it, and it might be really relevant for you now. Sydney, I'm really glad you got off the pill. When did you get off of it, Sydney?

So I've been on and off of it in high school with my first time taking it, I was on Accutane. It's like an acne medication. And I had to be on birth control control for it. And, like, before that, my period wasn't, like, as bad as it is now. It was just like, once I started the birth control in high school, it just, like, got worse and worse. So I was only on it for, like, six months. I went off of it for quite a few years, and I just started college a couple years ago, I think about a year ago was when I started the pill again. But I was only on it for, like, six months. And I kept telling myself, like, it's going to get better, it's going to get better. Your period's going to go away. And it never did. So I'm off of it now.

Well, Cindy, you might want to get her book. It's called Flow Living, and. Or just check out the podcast, because what. What I love is there's all these women right now who are truly warriors, and they. They figured out that. That. And also we did another one with Jo. Her name's Jolene Brighton. Her book is beyond the Pill. And so what we're finding now, Sydney, is that the pill has a lot of side effects for women. And we used to just think it was this benign pill. Just take a pill doesn'. But what happens is you could go on it, even just for a few months or a few years, and then when you go off of it. For many women, their period is never the same again because it really messes with our hormones. And so if you read up on it or even if you download her app, that if you get educated or you get interested in your flow and your cycle and you take some of these tips, a lot of it has to do with diet, avoiding caffeine certain times a month, avoiding certain foods, not having coffee when you first wake up in the morning. And she healed her own hormonal imbalance with food and exercise and diet. And before the pill, women didn't have these kind of problems. And now we're finding there's a lot of side effects. So what might have happened is that you became dysregulated. Right. And your body was never able to catch up, because when we go on the pill, we're actually suppressing our immune system. We're suppressing our normal ovulation cycle, and we can't just snap our fingers, and our body gets back to how it was before. And then you were on the Accutane, and so you will get it back on track. There's nothing wrong with you, but I don't like that you are having periods twice a month, and they're really heavy. But I wish I knew this at your age, Sydney, that I could take matters into my own hands. So I would recommend just kind of reading up on it and just seeing what you could do. And there could just. Maybe there's some supplements you could take because you're young, and I don't want you to go back on the pill to solve it, because that won't work. I think that's part of the problem. So, anyway, that's. Yeah. And so I think. Does that answer your question about period sex? Because really, it's just blood. It's blood. It does a little bloodier, but I don't actually find it that different, to be honest. But maybe some other women do. Like I said, sometimes it's really painful for me. Sometimes before. Sometimes a week before my period. Like, when I'm ovulating, it hurts a little bit because your cervix drops. And so I realized over the years, I never knew what that was, so that can kind of happen. But again, every woman's different.

Yeah, definitely.

Does that help so much?

I really appreciate it.

Yeah.

I'm majoring in sociology, and I wanted to pursue a career in criminology, but I started listening to your podcast a couple months ago, and it's really making me want to change my career path.

So thank you, of course, Sydney, keep in touch. I'm here for you. Okay. I'm so glad to hear it. We need more smart sex educators, more young women out there doing this work. Thanks, honey. Have a good night. Thanks for calling. By Sydney. I love that there's so many young people now who are in college and actually looking at a career in sex education because. Or social work. There really wasn't as many people doing this. Definitely not when I started 15 years ago. And now there's a lot more people who are finding interest in it. So I love that we're here to help you to figure it out. Fears, fears, fears. What do you guys. Any fears that you guys have here on my Zoom or Colin or ovi? Do you guys have any things that you think are still holding you back sexually?

I think the fear of rejection is something that I often fall into.

I don't know.

There's honestly so many.

Right. Fear of rejection, like making a move and being rejected. Yeah.

I think that it's something where, like, I'm usually, like, less interested than my partner is just because of, like, past issues with, like. I don't know. I think I have a fear that, like, something is too good to be true. A lot of the times, even with, like, work and stuff like that, I'll be like, oh, like, if I really like something, then, like, it's usually gonna get taken away just, like, based off of, like, past childhood experiences. So kind of, like having to reassure myself that that's not the case and.

That it's, like, all in my head.

Yeah. Yeah. That is. There you go. And how you break through it, I guess, is putting yourself out there enough to realize that that's just. You might get rejected. Sometimes we all get rejected, but then you also might not.

Something that I kind of, like, thought through myself was that, like, if someone rejects you, it's usually not personal. They might be, like, going through their own thing or, like, it just a lot of the times people always, like, think that it has to do with them. But, like, most of the time, other people are focusing on themselves so much that it's not really about you.

It's never what I think is very wise. That is true. I've been telling you what I can tell you. I have years of evidence of that. Is that it's never what you think. It's the things that we worry about. That's why it's. Fear is false evidence appearing real. It's. It's. It's just. It's not. People are sort of obsessed with themselves. They might reject you, but it's not for what you think it might be. It's usually where they're at in their lives. If you think about it. Usually what we judge in others, we fear in ourselves. Usually we have reaction to things based on our history. It's like when you are dating somebody, you're showing up with your whole history of, you know, attachment and they're showing up with their. It's almost like there's four people in every relationship. There's like your parents and their parents. Right. Coming in or there's like whatever, six. It's like their parents are in relationship and your parents, I mean, what were your issues that you grew up with or your styles of, you know, fear of. Maybe. Yeah. When you were younger, maybe you're. You got excited for things that didn't happen ov. So you're like, well, I cannot be excited for anything. But it's so wise that you know that at your age too, you know, because it's just, I don't know, it's constantly, literally, I always say, all day, every day bringing yourself back to the present moment, checking in with yourself, checking your own facts.

Is this true?

Does it serve me? Yeah. What about you, Colin? From a man, what do you get? Anything that's fearful, that's held you back? Yeah.

This is kind of a different view of the question, but I get just in the moment, just right in the moment of like right before having sex, I get scared of how long it's gonna take. I get like, do we really have enough time for this before I want to go to bed.

Really? Because you're asleep. You're like, I need eight hours.

I just have this thing in my head about it's just going to take so much effort and so much time, even though it's going to be really fun.

That's so funny. I mean, are you afraid that it's going to take you a while to ejaculate or your wife or just in general? And I love that it's your wife because you still get it. Like we don't. Things don't go away, right?

Yeah, both. Both me taking a long time and her and just honestly, it's just nice saying it out loud to you. I feel like just saying it out loud like, shows me how ridiculous of a fear it is.

It's real though, right? It's real. And then what if you could, now that you've said out loud, the next time you're with her, you could be like, you'll be like, oh, how long? You're like, oh, wait, I'm super psyched I get to have sex right now. And that's. It's training your brain. It's those exact moments. See, there is power. Listen, if you just call up and tell me right now you're afraid of. I'm telling you, it will no longer have the same. Same hold on you. So let's talk to Joey38 in New York. Hi, Joey. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Hey, Emily. I don't know if you remember, but I called, like, previously. Like, I wanted to share my fetish with my girlfriend.

Yes, you're familiar. Tell me what happened.

So I told her about it, and she really embraced it. She's really into it and it worked out really well.

Joey, I'm so glad. Wait, tell me, what was your fetish again? Just so we can share with the listeners.

Oh, it was spandex. Like, I really love when she wears nice.

I'm so glad. So what happened? So you called in because you were. You wanted to know if you should share it with her. You were maybe afraid to share it and then you shared it and she was like, cool, I would love that. I'm like, give me some Zylek Hunt's Bandex. This is it. You faced a fear and now you're getting your fetish, Your fantasy taken care of. Yeah. What does it look like? Are you buying her things or do you guys go shopping for Spandex? Does she wear it in the bedroom? I'm just curious now.

Well, it's like. It's really great because, like, she loves wearing it for me all the time. She knows how turned on I get from it. And, like, we go shopping and all, and, like, I buy it for her and it's just. It's just, like, really adds to our sex life and really enhances everything.

Yeah, that's what happens. Joey, I'm so glad that that has worked out for you. It must be a relief. And it must be pretty exciting right now to. To not be living with that secret.

Yeah, like, I'm. I'm really glad I took your advice and took the leap and, you know, put myself out there.

Me too, Joey. Right? You see how it's really enhanced your. Your sex life by stating your truth in a healthy way. Joey, I'm so glad you made my night.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I love it. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that with me. Anything else we need to know about it?

Just really happy. Just wanted to thank you for your great advice, Joey.

I'm here for you. I'm so glad you called back in. And keep me posted. I think that's such a great. You know, how long had you had this fetish without telling somebody?

Like forever.

Like you're 38, so 20 years. Yeah, I mean, look at that. And I think that that's what we forget, right? That our partners want to please us. If we love our partners, we or we care. We want to like be great lovers and say, okay, I'll wear something spandex. Yeah, that's really cool, Joey.

I think that's all about.

So it is all about that. And now you can continue to grow together and figure out what she's into. And love it. Thanks, Joey. I'm so happy. It's perfect that you called in tonight too. No more fear. Have a good night, Joey.

Think about it, you guys.

Joey, like, I didn't even tell him to call. I didn't ask Joey to call and say that he faced a fear. And hopefully this is a wake up call for you. Whatever you are holding onto right now and whatever you really want to try with your partner and you're not trying. I mean, he's 30. I can just imagine if it's a fetish, meaning, like he's had it. A fetish means it's actually a requirement for you to be your most aroused. It's not just like a fantasy, like, oh, it'd be nice. Have a threesome or it'd be nice if my girlfriend wore spandex. It's like he has linked up spandex with his arousal. His arousal is linked to spandex. And so for 20 plus years, Joey's holding on to it. Afraid of rejection, afraid that someone wouldn't be down with it. Maybe he was afraid people would make fun of him or they would leave him. But nope, he brought it up. And she's like, great, I'm down, let's go shopping. And then she gets off because he's excited about it. Do you guys see that? That is what happens 9 out of 10 times, I would even say on this show, 10 out of 10 times. Because if your partner rejects you for what you're truly into, then you get to ask yourself, is this really my person? And that's okay too. We all deserve pleasure. We'll be right back.

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Remember the first time you listened to the show. You probably didn't know what to expect. Just like the first time I walked into a good vibration store in San Francisco. I was 21 years old, curious, new to town, and the first thing they said to me was, let's talk about your orgasms. I felt my world expand, but no one had ever asked me that before. And by the way, I hadn't had one. That's why I was there. I walked out with my first vibrator and a newfound comfort for talking about sex. And, well, the rest is history. It was the first store I ever trusted with my pleasure and I still do. And like me, they test everything for you in advance. You've probably heard the shows with my friend Coyote. Well, she's in charge of deciding what they sell and what they don't. I like to call her the surgeon general of sex toys. She approves. You know, it's a good product. Good Vibrations has beautiful shops all over the country, an amazing website, and they're the experts behind my online store Shop with Emily. So before you buy something as personal as a sex toy, check in with Good Vibrations. Go to sex with emily.com Good Vibrations that sex with emily.com/good vibrations. Let's talk about things that scare us in the bedroom, that scare us sexually. What fears do you have? What anxieties do you have that are holding you back right now? How can we help you confront them and let them go? The funny thing is some things that came up. Colin was saying that he sometimes worries when he's about to have sex. It's going to take take too long. Like, oh God, we have time Is it going to take too long? And then Amanda at the break said that she has those same concerns, too, with her boyfriend. So you. First of all, you're not alone with the fears, but something about just stating it out loud and saying, this is where I'm at. Kind of take the charge away, take the power away. Let's talk to Melissa, 32, in North Carolina. Hey, Melissa.

Hey, there.

Hey. How you doing? How could I help?

Well, kind of a morbid story. I hate to do that to you, but it's okay.

We all. It all goes here. Yeah.

I'm in a relationship with my wonderful fiance, and we're actually expecting our first child, and we're very excited about that. But recently I've had a lot of issues with him wanting to have sex in the middle of the night. Like, he'll wake up from a dream just turned on, and he'll come over, over and try and initiate sex.

And he did that once.

And I had this massive flashback of a really terrifying event. And I started going to counseling, and we were doing a specialized therapy and found out that, you know, this was me reliving sexual abuse that I had gone through as a child.

Wow.

And so now I'm just terrified of.

You know, he likes to do things.

At night, and I'm afraid I'm going to have another flashback, and I don't want to. To affect our relationship.

Yeah. Wow. Okay. Well, Melissa, I'm so glad you called in, and congratulations on being pregnant and expecting your first child, and I'm really glad you went to therapy for that. And so, first off, I love that it's, you know, it's out in the open and, you know, if you've had a sexual assault and you've had something scary happen, it would make sense that when someone startles you and wakes you up in the middle of the night, that that would be really hard. So I'm sorry. And is it something. Now, you said you went to a specialized therapy. Because what I was going to is EMDR therapy. Eye movement.

That's exactly it.

Oh, you did it. Okay, great. So how long ago did you do it and how often?

I've been doing it for probably around eight months now. I was going every week, and now we've backed off to maybe once a month just because as of lately, I found out that I'm having a little girl and a. Of course, now I'm starting to have worries about. Okay, now with the girl, am I going to have issues as she's going through her developmental milestones and it's kind of made me shut off my own worries and start worrying about her, even.

Though I'm not worried about my fiance whatsoever.

Right, right, right. Well, that makes sense. I mean, and you said you're still in the therapy. When you were going more regularly to the therapy, did you feel that it helped you with some of these fears and some of these anxieties?

Absolutely. I mean, it helped because I was starting to remember things. I had absolutely no idea that this happened. I had suppressed it for so long. And now that I remember, things are making a lot of sense. But of course, the more I remembered, the more flashbacks I started having. And it was very difficult to almost train my fiance to know what to happen if he experienced one of those and how to kind of talk me.

Out of it and.

Right.

So that's why we took a little break because it was becoming very often that that was happening.

Oh, wow. I'm, you know, I'm sorry you're going through this, but Melissa, I'm really glad that you're. You are actually tackling all of this at 32 with your first child coming. I mean, I would recommend some more, maybe some more therapy if you can. If you can go back and see your therapist. There's like some kind of system you could use on the computer. But do you ever do any like mindful practices? Because it sounds like there's a lot going on. So of course you're flashbacks. And then, you know, being pregnant with your first child also can. If you're. If you naturally are more worried about things, it would be heightened. And so I'm wondering if you have any coping skills around helping your anxiety. Like for me, meditation really, really helps. I just have had to learn it to sit and breathe through something and then get really present because when you're present with worry, it. It can't. Presence cancels that worry. Presence cancels out anxiety. And the more you can get yourself in that state, there's some great apps right now, like free meditation apps. I love Insight Timer. It might just help you if you do it like 10 minutes a day. It's a practice. It's kind of like exercise for your brain. And maybe we'll get back into therapy. It's such a good time to go because you have a huge change coming up and transition, having a child. When are you due?

I'm due the end of January.

Okay. I would try to see what you could do for some self care right now if you have time. I would, I would start a meditation practice. Are you Exercising or moving your body at all, that really helps too.

Yeah, actually that was, I mean, there's multilayers to this. That was my coping mechanism. Before I used to run Spartan races, I was a Zumba instructor. Of course I can't be as active.

As I was, you know, a year.

Ago because I'm carrying around all this extra baggage now. But I still try and remain active.

You've been going at it. Well, I, I mean, if you can. And sometimes we need each other to, you know, women like you probably know what to do. But I'm going to tell you right now that if, if you can maybe get back into therapy once a week. You know, sometimes I taper off and go to once a month and then I go back every other week because I just think it's a really, you know, important part of my, of my mental health and well being. And then a little bit of meditation. You know, like I said at Insight Timer, you can even just, just sort by, you know, meditations for anxiety and it's, you don't have to just sit there and breathe. Sometimes they just have a 10 minute calming exercise because the more you do it in the moment when you're having worrying thoughts, you'll know, oh, I can go back to this moment and breathe. I can go back and feel my body on my feet, on the floor. I can breathe. I can, you know, so I mean, that's what I would recommend. I mean, you're doing all the right things. Maybe you want to get another EMDR therapist. If you feel unless she's working for you, that's great. Sometimes it's good to mix things up. But I would say, you know, I love that you're so self aware and that you're actually able to name it and say this is when it's happening and it's happening in the middle of the night and it's happening, you know, thinking about my daughter. So I would just say do the things that you're already doing but kind of step it up. And I would still try to move your body and exercise if you can and breathe and just don't be hard on yourself because it's a lifelong process, you know. But I think that you can get better at managing it. We can all improve, you know.

Yeah.

And that's.

You're right. I mean, I, I know a lot of the things to do for myself. It's more so I guess trying to convince him that it's not him. Oh, he's getting very self conscious. And is it, is it Me? Is this why? It's not you. I promise you, it's not you.

Yeah. It's so common. I have to tell you that this is such a big thing. This is why we don't often talk about sex, because we feel, you know, we often feel so rejected by our partners whenever they don't want sex, we assume it's something. Assume it's us. That's our problem. And so I think that just letting him know, you could even say that we talked. You could say, you know, I want you to know it has nothing to do with you. I'm working on it. I love you. I'm attracted to you. Let's try to have sex on, you know, Saturday mornings instead of Saturday night, just for now. But I think I understand that too. You know, since we can't imagine, like, how could it not be me? You know, somewhere in this messed up, zero sex education we get, we. We somehow link up when our partner doesn't want sex with us, that we did something wrong. But that's very rarely is that the case. I mean, maybe if we're in a fight or, you know, they cheated and we haven't built trust up again, or we resent our partner for not helping on the house, things build up. So. And I would think just your husband, you guys could listen to some of these shows together. A lot of couples listen to Sex with Emily together, either on Sirius or on my podcast. Sometimes our partners just need a little bit more education or they need to hear it from someone else that it's not them. Them. So however you think your husband will be able to learn, hear the message and feel safe and you can just keep reinforcing and give yourself love and compassion for what you're going through and then also reassure him that it's not about him and find other ways. He needs to be loved and supported right now. But take care of yourself. You're carrying a little life in you.

So, yeah, thank you. I. I appreciate it. Of course, I was terrified to call and speak about this, but I know that there's probably many, many people out there in a similar situation. So it's good for them to know they're not alone and it's okay to speak up.

Yeah. Melissa, I thank you so much. I'm telling you, this helped so many people listening. I know it. We're all nodding our heads here too, going, oh, and sending you lots of love. Thank you. Thank you, and thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Have a great night. Melissa. Take care of yourself. You know, that's what we're saying here is that it is a little bit scary calling into a radio station. I get it. You're like, oh, God. I start talking, you know, But I. What I found in 15 years of doing this, that once you call in and just that first moment, you just kind of sink into it and then you realize that by stating those things that we think we can't say and the things that we're so afraid of, it takes away its power. It takes away the charge by saying it out loud. And not only that much like what Melissa said, it also helps others. I'm sure there's a lot of other people listening right now who also have fears around, you know, trauma, around sex. And hopefully that will allow people to take the next steps in their healing journey as well. Let's talk to Julie, 40 in California.

Hi, Dr. Emily.

Hello. How can I help you? What's going on?

Okay, let me give you a little bit of a backstory. I met this guy 17 years ago, was my first true love, first mind blowing orgasm. Sex was amazing. Because of financial difficulties, our relationship didn't last. We both went our separate ways. I'm still in contact with his sister. You know, I've had other relationships, but it's been 15 years now since we've been broken up. And I don't dream about him, but when I do, it's because something has happened to him. The first time he got into a car accident a few years later or so, he broke his nose. And in that time, his brother had passed away. And so my question is, how.

How do I stop?

To me, I think it's a weird connection.

Yeah.

We actually talk just recently and it was a good talk, but now I can get him out of my mind. Everything reminds me of him. And I don't know if that's good for me. I don't know, it just drives me crazy.

Yeah, no, Julie, it sounds like it. Have you. Have you seen him in 15 years or you just talked to him on the phone?

No, like I said, I'm friends with his sister, so I may have seen pictures, a family event, and he may have been in a.

Okay, got it.

But since we broke up, I have not had one word with him up until like a week or two ago.

And how did you know then that these things happened to him? When you had a dream about him.

I would ask his sister, is he okay? And she would just kind of. She would just tell me.

Yeah, it's like you feel connected to him now. I mean, here's the thing I feel like it's funny that you're not funny, but interesting. You're calling about this because is a lot of people email me and call about sex or dreaming about their ex. Not necessarily sometimes sex with their ex, but. Well, my belief is that when we dream about an ex, it's oftentimes because it's reminiscent of a time in our life. That relationship represents a part of ourself that maybe we are feeling really connected to. And maybe it's your youth or it was really young love, and so we want that thrill again, we want that excitement. But I don't believe that it's necessarily that you should be with him. And so if you can somehow get peace, that there's some kind of maybe soulful connection you have. You had your first loves. You know, I always think that my love when I had in my early 20s, was just. It was so pure and so raw. I'd never loved that much as an adult. And so I don't think it's about him per se, but it was about me at that time and learning to love and being away from home. So I don't know what it is for you, but unless you want to see him again, or you. But even then, I actually just don't think it means what we'd like to think it means. I mean, are you asking me, like, does it mean you should be with him or just.

I, you know, I don't even know that. I just think it's like, how do I stop thinking about him now? Because we haven't had a conversation in years and.

Well, how come?

Yeah, we just had, like a text conversation.

Would you ever want to talk to.

Him on the phone, Our phone conversation, or see him? We did have a phone conversation.

Okay, how was that? It was good.

It was just like, we talked about the good, we talked about the bad. So, you know, we had some laughs and I shed a couple of tears, you know, talked about our relationship and.

The possibility of the fight.

Didn't work out and.

Well, why don't you see it? Would you ever want to see him? Would you ever want to just get coffee with him or. I mean, what's preventing that?

I would, but I would. However, he's the type of person, like, if you're. No, no, no, no. If you're an extra ex, and he's like, I don't know why I'm talking to you, but I am, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, we were both at fault in the relationship. There was no cheating.

It was just 15 years ago, you were 25. Yeah. I mean, come on. I mean, I can't even. Yeah, but there are things in our 20. You're a whole different person right now, so. Well, do you want to see him or do you not? But you. Because there's a few ways to go here. You could just call him and say, I think we should meet up and see, you know, see if there's a connection. If he's not in a relationship and you're not in a relationship relationship. And it wasn't abusive or toxic. Who knows? You hear things like that all the time. That people go to their high school reunion 30 years later and fall in love with their high school sweetheart again. That could happen. But if you're telling me you don't want to do that, then I would start a practice of. Every time you think about him, let's think of a thought that you could replace it with, like, I am deserving of great love and passion, or I will find my love, you know, my partner, or something like that that you could replace it with, because then eventually you can retrain your brain. But if you also think, well, maybe I should just meet him up and see what happens, you know, you could try that as well. So decide which way you want to go with it.

Yeah, and that's the thing. I brought that up to him, and he hasn't responded to that.

Oh, okay. Well, it sounds like you want to meet up with him, so I would just. You have nothing to lose here. I mean, yeah, maybe he could reject you. Maybe you won't even be attracted to him. But to me, if you're both single and you had talked on the phone for a few hours, maybe he's fearful, too. Maybe he has. Who knows? Maybe he really is in a relationship and we don't know. But it could be helping you face your fear.

True.

I would just push it. Maybe he didn't really think you wanted to. Maybe he's got something he's shameful of. But it sounds like you guys are still connected in a way. I mean, I would love to have coffee with my ex from 15 years ago. I think it would be a blast. So not even because I want to be with them. I just think it's part of our history, which is why we often never forget our exes. Because we bonded, we loved, we connected. You share so much with people that you love, and so I think it says a lot that they just don't go away. Right. But sometimes we attach to meaning when we don't have to. So I say, you got nothing to lose. You're a grown woman. And see what happens. Let me know. Please do. I'm here for it. We are all going to wait to hear back from you. Okay? Take care of yourself. Julie. I'm really glad you called. I really do. I can't wait to hear. I love when you guys call me back and tell me what happened.

That's what I want.

I live for it. I mean, no pressure, but honestly, talked to a lot of you the last two years. What has happened since? I'm going to take a quick break. There'll be more sex with Emily. Thanks, everyone, for supporting our sponsors. You know, we only work with sponsors that we enjoy ourselves, and I hope you do, too. What fears do you have that are holding you back sexually, intimately, romantically with a partner? Because I think once you state your fear out loud, it takes away the power, right? We're only as sick as your secrets. You ever hear that saying? I think it's from my gut. It's kind of an AA thing. We're only as sick as our secrets. Meaning the more secrets we have, they actually make us sick. Whatever we hold on to. Right. You're holding on to sharing a fantasy with a partner. You hold on to, you know, your fear that you're going to look bad in the bedroom or you're going to do something wrong. So then you just keep worrying and worrying, and then that worry compounds itself. And then next thing you know, you can no longer be intimate with anybody because you're so afraid of it. You know? And I was thinking and thinking about this show tonight. I was thinking, like, what? What are the fears that I've had? And I know that I definitely had fears around talking about sex. I think I didn't even know that it was okay to ask a partner for what I wanted or to tell them to do something different. Because, number one, I didn't know what I wanted. So I knew if I said to a partner, you know, you have partners who say, does this. Oh, Emily, does this feel good? And I would just say, yeah, whatever you're doing feels great. Because I knew if I said no, they'd say, well, what else? And I didn't know what was on the menu, so I just wouldn't say anything. And even now, it's not my favorite thing to tell my partner what I want. It's not my favorite thing to ask for. But it still can be challenging. But now that I know what to do, I know how to do it. And I think I Had fears about not being good enough in the bedroom and fears around intimacy, and I had fears around showing who I really was to a partner and being vulnerable. I definitely have fears around vulnerability. I got a wall built up. I didn't want to be the first one to make a move. I didn't want to be the first one to express my feelings with fear of being hurt. And then once you realize that that's your fear, then I. Then I've realized that once I start putting myself out there, and I never understood what that meant either. Put yourself out there, it's like, oh, God, that sounds awful. But once you do and you say, you know what? I have feelings for you, or I want to take this to another level, or I want to try this thing in the bedroom, whatever it is, you realize that you're being your best advocate. And then if it's something you truly want and you ask for it, and then your partner says, nah, I'm not into that, or, oh, I would never do that, or they make you feel bad about it, well, then you have more. Then you have useful information. Then, you know, doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means that you actually, if you look at it this way, you're closer to getting your needs met. You're closer to finding a partner who is interested in fulfilling your needs and being a good lover to you. So I think you actually win. You are able to be the architect of a life that you actually want. When you face your fears in every area of your life and every asking your boss for something that you want, a raise, or having a confrontation with a friend. Setting boundaries is really scary. But once you set boundaries, it's just. It's a game changer. But all those things are really scary because we don't have a lot of practice, especially if our primary caregivers didn't practice boundaries or practice fulfilling our needs. So, you know, we're on this journey, learning. We asked this question to our Instagram audience. Sex with Emily. What scares you in the bedroom? Farting. I can't wait for people to get over that one. So what? Everyone farts. Keep going. Not a big deal. Not being good enough. If I enjoyed swinging and my wife would enjoy a bigger penis over mine, that's a huge swinging fear. I just wish that I could get this into all of your heads. All the guys. Can you get this into your little head that you are more obsessed with your penis than your partner is? I promise you that. I promise you that your partner, if she's Gonna agree to swing. It's not because she's, like, on the hunt for a bigger penis. That just doesn't happen. If someone's gonna leave you, it will not be because of your penis. I promise you. She won't like how my cum tastes on a certain day. I get that. I get that fear. But also, that's why a healthy diet is so important. And also, so what, you know, what we are, what we eat. Sometimes, you know, things taste differently. But I don't think it means the world's gonna end. So why do we not give ourselves any slack when it comes to sex? We're all perfectionists, right? We all think sex should be this cookie cutter experience. And every time, it should be beautiful and perfect with rainbows and flowers and sunshine. Every time. That is not a reality. Like, sex does not look like that for anybody. Maybe in the movies, maybe in porn. No one's farting and no one's spitting out your splooge because it tasted bad. Like, that doesn't happen. I never say splooge. Can't help it. But that's what happened. Okay? Him being turned off by my body because I have no booty. A lot of us are worried about how we look in the bedroom, right? Once we accept ourselves. Really, I swear to God, once you love your body or even like your body, you won't be thinking about these things anymore. It's a practice. Hemorrhoids. Sometimes after anal, I don't want my partner to see. I get that. Just use a lot of lube. You can avoid hemorrhoids if you breathe and go slow and use lube. Being completely honest about what I want. Starting something new after divorce of 18 years of marriage. Yeah, I understand that fear. That is really scary. That is scary. But take baby steps. Baby steps. You know, it's a muscle. Dating's a muscle. If you haven't dated in 18 years, it's gonna be scary. Do it anyway. Then I won't come. That's a common one. Unintentional body noises. I know it's natural, but it still feels so cringey every time. I get that again. I'm telling you, you get past that. I don't know. I think you do. You just. I don't know, just ignore it. Not a big deal. Laugh, keep going. God, I love our Instagram audience. This is really good. That he'll get bored or doesn't like it. That's also why I tend to put myself last. But I'm working on it. Yeah, we're all working on it. Nobody wants you to put yourself last either. If you think about it. They just take advantage of the fact that you have put yourself last. And if you put yourself last, guess who else is going to put you last? Everyone. Literally everybody. Because if we don't become our best advocates, why would anyone else? We show people how we want to be treated. We model that to other people. Just remember that. So how you treat yourself is how others are going to treat you. You're giving them the instruction manual. Not being able to get hard with a new person is also a fear. Happened two times right now. Yeah, I know. It's happening a lot. This is my fear around that too, is that there's so many more men I'm hearing from who can't get hard once or twice, and then they keep not not able to get hard. And I think, you know, we talk about this a lot, but just go perform on your partner for a minute, Your erection will come back, or talk about it with your partner, and then you'll realize it's not a big deal. And also, a lot of erectile dysfunction is about blood flow, so it really helps to be in shape, exercise, watch what you eat, get the blood flowing everywhere. It's all blood flow. Same with your clitoris, too. Not being able to find my sexual partner, that's also a fear. I get that you will the more you become your best sexual partner. Isn't it crazy? This is so true, though. The more you become your best sexual partner to yourself, you're more likely to find your partner. You know, that whole thing like, you complete me, or you're looking for someone to complete you or be your better half. I never like that saying, because that's assuming that you're showing up as a half person and that you are deficit in some way. But if you find somebody when you're feeling whole, you're more likely to find the right match.

That's such good advice.

It's true.

How do you think you can, like, actually do that, though? Like, what are the steps that someone should take if they want that to happen?

To become a full person, Is that what you mean? To become your full self? It's a lifelong journey, and I think the first thing is recognizing that you don't feel complete without a partner. A lot of people feel that way. And I think that's another thing that happens with society. Whenever you're single, everyone wants to know when you're gonna settle down and you're gonna find somebody. It's never okay to say I'm single and, you know, so I think that's part society pressure and part really, truly authentically being comfortable in your skin, being alone, having a full life, having a rich life and, you know, with friends and doing things that interest you and living life on your own terms. I believe when you have that and you could take or leave a relationship, truly and authentically is when you find one. I can tell you that from experience and from talking to thousands of people. And so if you're finding yourself feeling broken or walking around feeling like you are incomplete without a partner. So to answer your question, ovi, that's the first step, is identifying it and thinking I'm totally a complete person. And I'm gonna work on feeling okay, because then you're showing up as, like, needy, and you're less. Not always needy, but you're showing up even if it's subliminal, even if it's. I gotta find someone. I gotta find someone to feel complete. It's just. You're putting that out there that I'm not enough. Let's talk to Kenny in Arizona. He had some thoughts on sex fears as well. Hi, Kenny.

Hi, Emily. It's been a while since I've called in. I don't know if you remember me. I'm the one who used to. Who was writing down the stories and everything, and him and my wife were playing them out and everything.

Yes. Oh, my God, Kenny. Of course. We talk about you all the time. About the piano. You wrote erotica for her.

Yes, yes, yes. So that. That has since kind of died down, and we just have a really, like, good sex life that happens maybe, like, once a month for, like, a date night or something.

That's. Once a month is better than. That's amazing, Kenny. Yeah.

So what about people just going in just. I know it's hard to change having a fear, but what about just trying to be. You know, maybe you're playing a role of someone who's fearless, and then that helps you become fearless in general. There's. There's times where I. I would never have thought in a million years where, like, my wife and I would end up having sex in the closet in the morning while our daughter strapped into her high chair, and we just knock out a quickie real quick, just out of the spur of the moment.

That's hard.

And everything. And it's. Yeah. And it. I mean, and she could literally have it today. That's why maybe kind of think of listening to you. And she called me. She's like, I. I Can't stop thinking about that. And of course, I'm a truck driver. So I laughed and I'll be home tomorrow. And now she's like, I'm gonna. She wants to write her own erotica and play it out this weekend. And I'm like, what did I do? Did I create a monster?

Yeah, a really good monster. I mean, I love your story, Kenny.

I mean, I really do.

See, that's really beautiful. How long have you guys been together?

It'll be 10 years in December. This is going to be our 10 year anniversary.

Happy anniversary. I love this. I love that you. I mean, just to tell everyone that you actually wrote her story, erotica of what your fantasy was and you left it for her. And then you came home and she had totally acted out the fantasy. She was wearing the thing, the black lacy thing, I believe. And by the piano, I mean, I still remember. It's like I was there, something. But Kenny, I think it's really inspiring because I think that it shows that you guys are putting effort into your sex life. And it's. It's. As a result of that, 10 years in, it's still going strong. You had sex in the pantry?

Yeah. And we, like. I never would have expected to like, do anything like this in my life. Oh, what's. What's the three? If you manifest it.

Oh, meditate, masturbate. Manifest.

Yes. Thank you. That's why you're the doctor.

Yes, it's true. I mean, listen, what else? Because if we don't manifest what we want, then we are. Then we live in anxiety and fear, and then that happens. But if we're like, this will happen. This is what I want, this is what I feel. And then we meditate on it and masturbate on it, that shit's gonna happen. This works.

Exactly. It works. And you brought up that word, fear. You're fearless in any type of relationship. And I've told friends this, if you're, if you're, if you're fearless, you know what? Turn off your mind in role play, Be somebody else. Be somebody else for that type.

That's a really good point. Going back to your earlier point, Yes, I think you're right. That's why role playing is so powerful. Powerful for so many people. Is that if you can suspend belief in it for a moment and you could you just think, okay, you know what? I can't be this fearless person. Right. I'm afraid. But I'm just gonna go in and I'm gonna be my alter ego. I'm gonna go in as a strong, confident man. It's amazing what can happen. You're like, I'm not myself right now. And I think that's why a lot of couples love role playing, too, because you just. You can just kind of take away the blame. That's why people love acting or improv. It's like, be something else. Show up as somebody who is confident. You know, it's like that. Fake it till you make it or, you know, act the part. You're an inspiration, Kenny. You're an inspiration.

I will talk to you guys later.

Okay, Bye. Have a good night, Kenny. Thanks.

Bye.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please, like, subscribe and, like, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And, hey, share this with a friend or a partner.

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