How to Succeed at Online Dating

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes they call them. In a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

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Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

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Well, you know, Emily's not the kind.

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I'm not a sweater.

You're not a sweater.

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I do have one of those candles and it's amazing.

Do you love it, Anna?

I love it.

I should bring you another one.

I will come to your office and get more.

Really? Okay. Because we're neighbors, so. Yeah, I'm glad it's a good one. Have you used it on anyone?

Sadly, I've only used it on myself. You know, I. I'm not really someone who's like, okay, here, we're, we're going. Let's go get the candle.

Right?

Do you know what I mean?

But you just light it when you get home, do you see I light candles whenever I have guys come or anyone come over. Right. So then you're just like, oh, btw, guess what? This is also a massage candle.

Yeah, mine's a. Candles get lit in the bathtub.

Oh, okay. Your big bathtub.

I have a bathtub for one, you know. But look, honey, I love.

No, it's coconut. I use it on my. You think I'm massaging people every day of the week?

Yes.

I use it on my body before I go to bed at night too. Okay. This is Anna David. The lovely Anna David. She's been on the show before. It was probably about a year ago. A year ago, really? Okay. So Anna is an author, a journalist, has her own podcast, the After Party Pod. She's the creator of the After Party Group, a company that's dedicated to trying to show addicts, sober and not sober alike, and the loved one of addicts, what recovery can be. What recovery can be like.

And we're also getting way more into, like, healthy relationships so that it's expanded, expanding to not just people interested in addiction or suffering from addiction, but anybody who wants to have healthier relationships.

Right. Because a lot of times people do drink too much or they do take. I mean, I think it's all connected. Like, you go on dates and you only associate that with.

It is connected. But I think that there's no one out there who knows how to have a perfectly healthy relationship, and so that.

Not even us, because we're experts.

Except for you. I certainly don't.

Right. I do.

I don't.

I did. Well, the reason why you're here. Yes, for many reasons. You're here because you're awesome. And we're like. I said, we're gonna get into the online dating do's and don'ts. I think we just need to talk about this. Anna is my. We've become each other's dating sponsors, if you will.

Yes.

So what happened was, is I. I've not dated much online and I. At all. Actually, I was on Tinder. I had one Tinder date, blind Tinder date, on my show about a year ago. What? Yeah, I met this guy on Tinder because I was like, I'm gonna try it. And it was funny because I kept saying, like, I gotta go. You know, we were chatting and I said, a radio show? And he's like, oh, well, when am I gonna. And every night I was working, he's like, would I be on your radio show for our date? I said, yes, you do. And it was actually really funny show. But then up until then, I've never done it. So I'm like, you know what? Everyone else has done it, and I'm not out that much as I should. I'm just gonna try it. So I went on Hinge, which is like Tinder. So let's. So people always hear about Tinder, which I'm doing. I've done both of them, and I have been doing Tinder and Hinge at the same time. Tinder has a bad rap right now.

Well, I think that back when it started, it was this, you know, sort of. You know, it's like the club that's undiscovered. It's really great. And then everybody hears about it, and then it's bridge and tunnel, and then it's overcrowded, and then you don't ever want to go again. And Hinge is like Tinder, but instead of just giving you masses, it gives you 10 options a day. So you actually look at them and don't compulsively kind of get in that, like, thumb swiping where you're, you know, you're going through people, and then you're like, wait a minute. That person looked.

Okay.

Why did I just swipe?

Yeah, because you get in this, like. Yes. Yeah. This, like, obsessive, dense. You're like, swipe, swipe, swipe. So just to explain how it works. So if you don't know, is that you. With both of these apps, which look very similar, it's really just. You see the people's pictures. And the thing about Hinge is that you have to have a mutual Facebook friend.

Yes. Sort of. There's a few.

A few that you don't. They're like. You have, like, a third connection, but mostly you have to have a connection through Facebook.

And then.

Yeah, they only send you 10 a day. And you. It's really. You look at the pictures and you swipe left. If you.

Yeah.

If you like them. Right. What is it? Left and you put a heart. And then if they like you. The thing is, there's no rejection. So if you like the person, you star them. And if they happen to see your photo and they liked you or your profile, then you get a match. Yeah. And then you start messaging them through the app, which is a whole nother cluster. Because I'm like, I need my assistant to start, like, literally, like, an Excel spreadsheet. Because then you get all these matches, and then they're messaging. You go back to the app, and you're like, which guy was this. Did I like him? Was he interesting? And so anyway, I was Anna and I have different issues with it because I just started it. And so I was coming back to my office from a meeting. This just happened. This is why Anna's here. Like, this is like a state of the emergency. I'm like, you gotta come in the show.

It just happened. But it happened semi.

It happened, right? Recently. Exactly. So I was coming back. Our offices are, like, very close, which is awesome. And I couldn't go back to my office for a little bit. And I was like, I'm coming by. And so I went by. I was like, anna, I'm on hinge and every single guy. It's weird. You are a mutual friend. So should I date these guys? Should I not? She's like, let me take a look. So she looks at my. Grabs my phone, looks at all the.

Matches, and literally every single one. I had been out with, like, at some point. Some point. And didn't like and knew. Guess you probably wouldn't either. Or was just a platonic friend that I was pretty sure you would not be interested.

Right, Exactly. So she cleared out my whole thing. I'm like, yeah. She's like, I went out with him a month ago. I went out with him. I'm like, my friend dated him. So I was like, okay, we've got. I said, so this is very frustrating because to me, it was a. And I. I don't know. I don't talk a lot about my dating life in the show. And it's not because I've gone in phases. It's been 10 years, but lately I was kind of, you know, seeing someone that I just. Whatever, it was casual, not much to say, which is interesting. So now dating again, I got a lot more stories for you guys because there's been a lot happening. But so anyway, I just started to, like, pick it up again. And it was just like, it was a little overwhelming because you are getting all these. These messages. And so the funny thing is when I say jokingly, though, but kind of true that we're our sponsors, we have different issues with it. So for me, I'm not great at, like, I don't want to make a commitment. Like, I'd rather hang out with you, Anna. Yeah, I agree. I'd rather, like, go to your barbecue. I'd rather see my friends. I'd rather be open than, like, you go to a date, you drive across town and then you can't, you know, you have a bad date for an hour. Yeah, I can't get that time back. There goes my hour and a half. I never get that time back. So Anna was like, just do it. Just go, you know, like start dating. And then for you, there were some profiles. I was like, oh, you might rule someone out. And I'd say, maybe consider that this.

Yeah. Be more aware it's not what you think.

It's not what you think when you see them. So we're encouraging each other. And so recently.

You go, anna, okay, so what? So I go through yours and I go, yes, yes. No, no. Okay, well, maybe we have different taste, because I think we do a little bit. And then it just so happened that I was having a barbecue that weekend, and so I said, well, let me invite a couple of these ones that I know, and you can just knock it out. You don't have to walk out.

It was like speed dating at AM's barbecue. It was awesome.

And I meant to tell you, that guy brought a girl.

Oh, he did. He did. I didn't even talk to him. That's why I said, I know.

And we didn't talk about this kind of awkward thing I did, which is I go, I was talking to you and Jeff. And I go, hey, blah, blah, blah, you guys already. You guys kind of know each other. But I was talking about him and Jeff. But then it seemed like I was talking about you two. Did you even catch it?

I didn't even catch it. This is the guy that liked. We liked each other. I didn't catch it at all.

Okay, so anyway, so we go through it and you're like, let's make sure that neither of us are sticking currently messaging with the same people because we don't want to get into like, that weirdness.

Right.

So we confirm there's no crossover. And then later, I guess later that night, I end up sort of messaging with someone who matching and then messaging with someone who was on your list. But it didn't hit me because I.

Didn'T know he wasn't on your list yet.

So we are messaging and messaging. Okay? So first of all, can I just say that I had a first date with someone, someone who seemed okay. Then we had our second date, a brunch date. And I was. He never spoke. It was the most awkward. It was like, what did you do this weekend? Nothing.

What are you doing the rest of the day? Nothing. Like, it was just conversational.

This was your second date because we're also going to give you. We're going to get in some tips and stuff, but we're also Going to tell you some of the. We want to give you the real lowdown of what happened. So the first day was great.

I would not say great enough to.

Go on a second one.

It was 45 minutes and it was good enough. You know, and so. And so I'm just so unhappy at this. And I'd mentioned my barbecue to him. Whatever. Anyway, so. Because I was having one that. Anyway, so I go. So that's that. Later that evening, six o' clock, to be precise. I go on like a drinks date or whatever. And I don't drink. And he did. Oh. I walk into the place and who's there but my brunch date.

Your brunch date? The one that you blew up? That's right.

You not know that.

No. You texted me that, but I was just too much. Town is too small. So the guy you went on the brunch date with that you were not interested in because he was boring.

Yeah.

You're out with someone six hours later.

Yeah. And like four hours later.

And he was there.

He was there.

Was he on a date too?

He was sitting outside with a group of people and I just thought, that's so crazy. And I just sort of, you know, went back past him without even.

Okay.

I don't think he saw me.

That's hilarious.

I was inside for two hours.

And so I thought, on this date?

Yeah, on this date. And so I thought, well, he'll be gone. And I go out and he's there. Whatever. I don't think he saw me. So sit down with the six o'. Clock. Realize that for various reasons. Not appropriate. A lovely guy. Not appropriate.

Right. Leave.

And then I get a text from.

You the next day. So then I go on a 9 o' clock date that night. I go on a 9 o' clock date and I'm sitting there with my date. This is the same exact evening. I hadn't talked to you this whole day. And I'm sitting there with him and it's going well, but I see that there's some problems. The guy, he's probably not my match, but he's interesting. And we're talking, talking. It's going. Conversation flowing, flowing. I'm like, yeah. He said, well, how long have you been on this hinge? I said, oh, you know, it's funny because I'm actually a little hesitant about it. My friend Anna, we're kind of doing it together. And he's like, anna who? And I said, like, you know, Anna David. He goes, I just went on a date with her. At six o'. Clock. And I was here on a date with him. I was like, you did? And then he just shut down. Like he was so embarrassed. He's like, but I was going to dinner with my kids. And I told him, like, don't worry, it's cool. I'm sure it's all good. It's all good. So very small world. And I had a date with him too. And the best part was neither one of us were very nice guy. Like we're not going to marry him. But we both at the same time. I said, guess who my date was?

Right?

We had the same date and we both text each other the same.

Pretty much the same thing.

Analysis of what we thought were the issues with him. And we have similar tastes. And the funny thing is, when I first met Anna.

I met Anna with my first love when in my 20s, I was at a party in Northern California. And this guy was very loyal, very great. All of a sudden I'm like, where is he? We're at this party at Stinson Beach. Like, he's out, it's a party. I can't see. See, it's dark. He's flirting with a girl named Anna David the whole night.

I don't think so.

And I'm like, who is this Anna David? He loves her. Blah, blah. So cut to. I run into you because you also do relationship expert stuff. And years later I'm like, and I know you are, you don't remember me. I'm like, you really are.

You were on my Maxim radio show. You walk in New York. You walk in and I'm like, who is this gorgeous girl? You're like, we know each other, right?

I'm like, you like my boy? So cut to. Now.

We have similar tastes, clearly. And we're like the same age guys. Like, so now we've got this whole dating thing. And so that's our history.

So we can give plenty of tips. I think.

Let's do that. Okay, we're just gonna go into it because it's important. Oh, and if you wanna find Anna. Cause she's hilarious and smart and great, it's annabdavid on Twitterpartysite. And then what's the main website that.

You want on afterpartymagazine.com.com. i don't think you need to put that anymore. Who knows what's the modern world?

And then do you have to do www anymore? Just kidding. I'm kidding. No one does that anymore. HTTP I'm saying you don't have to say it out loud. Remember, people would be like, ww? My mom still says that. Go to WW I used to say.

Earl, like the man's name. That's what I thought, URL. I thought, oh, that's so funny. Oh, yeah, yeah. So. Oh, but this. So the podcast is called After Party Pod. I interview. I was just sober, so I was not invited, Right? You were not invited. So. But I had Moby and Marc Maron and Dr. Drew. Obviously not sober, but Emily's very good friends and mine. And now I'm having people talking about relationships, which is why you're coming on soon.

Oh, I'd love that. Yeah. Okay, good. So let's break this down now. You heard of our stories. Because I was like, you just gotta come and talk about this. Because this crazy, wild, wild west world of dating, everyone's always asking, like, how should I date? How should I meet people? And I was gonna break down all the different dating apps because really, it does seem like Tinder and Hinge. I just wanna clarify one thing. People call Tinder a hookup app. And I don't think any app is any one thing. If you don't wanna hook up with someone, you can say it on your app. You can show up. They're not putting a gun to your.

Head and saying, nobody is forcing you to go hook up on this trainer.

So let's just say that whether you're on match.com or whatever, we're gonna give you tips to help you with this. So, funny enough. Okay.

This was a study that came out last week. I mentioned this. There was a study that found that. We're saying it's not as easy. 42% of Tinder users were already in relationships. Did you hear this study? No. Okay, I'm just going to tell you that. Okay, so. But moving on. That's fine. Let's talk about duty dating. Because that's really where Anna and I started this, because I was like, she's pushing me to go out more. And duty dating is the concept that involves dating people that you are not immediately attracted to. So let's say there's the guy across the bar and you're like, that's my guy. I'm so into him. Or wherever you see him. Guy in the street, sometimes that's the guy you just turn and walk away from because you're like, oh, that's. You're my type. It hasn't really worked. That's another concept of duty dating. But also, just date a lot of people that are outside your Normal type. Stack them if you need to. Two in a day. Which I did. For the first time ever. I can. We didn't get into the brunch date. My brunch date, not fun.

That was the only time I feel like I've ever done two in a day.

But why not? Why not, Right?

Be efficient.

Right. So you date a lot of people outside your type. Try, you know, three dates with a person to see if there's chemistry. It can be just good practice to get yourself out there. Do you agree with this?

I do. I will say we have a friend who is so good at it, basically, she would go out with somebody, not like him, and go, there's nothing wrong with him. And kind of continue to do it. I can't. I would sometimes when I've had really. Just not even bad ones, but just. Oh, I get depressed afterwards. So I don't wanna. I don't wanna, you know, set myself up for that.

Right. How do you. But tell me how you set up most your dates. Is it a coffee? Is it a. What's your. What do you think? Yours? The best first date when you meet somebody.

I think the best first one is a drink. I know I don't drink, but, you know, that could go into dinner if it's going well.

Right.

But there's a 45 minute out if you don't.

Can you really get out in 45? I always thought I had to wait to, like, I'm looking at the clock. During that terrible brunch date last week that your friend went out with. Okay, another thing.

Oh, yeah.

Your friend. Then the night before.

Yeah.

And you're like, oh, she hated. She didn't like him either. I'm like, why didn't you tell me? I could have gotten that time back. But whatever.

I did tell you.

After my date.

No, I had messaged him and I was. And I got so frustrated with it that I just.

But then I talked to him for 31 minutes by mistake.

Yeah. That you can't get back.

I couldn't tell. Okay. Can't get that back either. So it's actually two and a half hours I can't get back. Okay, so let's talk about the photos then. So I was talking to my guy friend. He said for women, because I wanted to give our perspective. He said when they have too much skin, that means like, guys look at that and they're like, that's really sexy. Like, I might want to sleep with you, but I don't want to date you. So, like, showing too Much skin for women. And he was saying, like, no selfies. Don't chop off the X. You know, and if you only put two pictures, it's not enough. And also, he was saying that he's attracted to women who put out pictures of doing something that they're passionate about. And so the thing is, the pictures are how you. The first pictures you put are important. It's how people see you. And I. My thing is, like, if you have kids, totally fine. Don't make every picture of the kids.

Yes, I agree.

One picture.

Yes, one picture. It does feel like you're trying to use them to show you're either so into them that that's your main focus. It's okay if it's your main focus, but it does get weird that you're using them to show, like, what a good guy you are or something like that. I agree. 1. I think that obviously, photos where you can't take. The viewer can't tell which person you are.

Yeah. You're three friends with dark hair and same height as you. It's a waste of my time, too.

So taking a photo with a celebrity is not a good idea. You know, just like, oh, my God, here I am with Kanye West. I don't know what you're doing.

It's like name dropping or whatever.

It's just weird, Right. I think that I also see ones that are like, people on red carpet lines, which is. Which is. I don't know. I mean, if you were somebody who went on a red carpet all the time, you know, probably wouldn't need to document that to strangers.

Exactly. That's showing that. Like, that's trying to show some kind of currency, social currency that you have. Yeah.

Like, let it be.

Like, it's like name dropping. Yeah.

Let them. You know, it also. Yeah. It just feels like it's a rarity. That's why you're bragging about it.

I have a picture of me with Run DMC in mind. Is that bad? Cause I was really happy to meet him. I should take it down.

I swear to God. That's different. They feel like somebody just, you know, ran up and said, like, oh, my God, Muhammad Ali. I don't even know. Let's take a picture. I don't know.

I gotta redo my whole profile. Okay. Dogs. What do you think about dogs? If every picture is a dog?

No, that's obvious, right?

Because then you're like, is a dog gonna live with us? That dog would be in bed with us. Yeah, but, you know, it's.

I wouldn't mind that.

That wouldn't bother you, though.

But it is weird. And when. When it's like dog is mentioned in the, in the written part too.

And there's six dog pictures. Right. Okay. You like that?

No, I mean, it's fine. There's so many more egregious things. For me, you know, a pretty much automatic out is somebody, like, boozing.

I agree. Every picture. And I drink. But every picture is you with a solo red cup and you're still in the fraternity.

Yeah.

Or just giving a big margarita.

Or like, there's like, there's something you can check on hinge that says wine lover. And if it's that. And then there's lots of pictures of somebody, like with bottles of wine. It's just. I find it weird.

Yeah, I do too. And even. And I drink and I like a good glass of wine, but I'm like, if you're drinking in every photo, it's a little aggressive. It just says a lot. So I think cut back on that.

Yeah.

Selfies. They say selfies. Not great. Maybe one selfie. But don't go overboard on selfies. I don't want to see guys naked. Like, I don't want to see your chest.

No, no, no, no, no.

But I think younger people do in a way. I don't know. Should we ask Madison? Producer Madison, I know you have a boyfriend, but let's say you didn't.

I mean, and from what I've heard, I feel like a lot of girls, if you have too many pictures of your chest, it kind of shows that you're a one trick pony. And, like, that's really all you got. Like, it makes it seem like you're really into yourself. But to be honest, like, I feel like girls wouldn't turn away from a couple shirtless pictures. It shows that you take care of yourself, but when you get older, you want someone more serious. And that's where the hookup apparently thing comes in. Like, if you're younger and you're just looking for someone to like, screw around with.

Let me see his body.

Yeah, like, let me see it. But otherwise you'd want someone who's like, looks good with clothes on. I think, personally. Yeah. I. I think any shirtless is an.

Automatic out tank top.

Yeah. I mean, it's not my style, but.

But I think guys wear tank tops now and it's okay. Like, I don't know. It's terrible. I know, I know. I. This is gonna be offensive, perhaps to men. If you're going to the gym it's fine. Yeah.

You know, I will say something else. Like the one we both went out with, you know, won a very. The biggest award you can win and had a photo of him winning it. And I said, take that down. It is the most obnoxious thing ever.

Right.

And he also had. He's not a musician, but himself, like playing guitar.

Oh, dude, every guy plays guitar on Hinge.

Yeah.

What is that? They're all a bunch of guitar players. No, what are they? I mean, is that really. Come on.

I don't know.

I've never seen any guy in LA play guitar, walk around with a guitar, but yet they all are playing guitar. It's almost like uncanny.

Yeah.

Like someone said, you can't go on Hinge unless you like, borrow your friend's guitar, pretend you know what you're doing.

Yeah, it's like the tiger on Tinder.

But not on Tinder. What is the tiger on Tinder?

I don't know. I don't really get it.

People keep saying that. No tiger photos. Ha ha ha. I don't know what that means.

I think it's that some. A couple people did it. It's kind of like the painting of picture with the celebrity. They took a picture with a T tiger, and then it kind of became this meme.

Okay, got it. I didn't know what it was, but did you notice the friggin guitar?

Yes, of course.

Okay. It's just weird to me. Like, why not drums? Why not?

Yeah.

Piano.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Why not the recorder.

Exactly. Okay, so ask men says that you have six photos max.

Interesting.

You should be active in doing something. Don't post pics of. Don't post pictures of you doing something that you don't really like to do. Like if you. Like the one time you went rock climbing. If you're afraid of heights.

Like, is this for men or women or both.

Both.

Okay.

Yeah. Full body. It's important. Like, you gotta show your whole body. Because they'll be like, why? She's just showing her face.

Yeah.

And we're thinking, why are you just showing your face? Right. How about the guys with the sunglasses?

Yeah.

Every picture has him in sunglasses.

And a hat.

And a hat.

Yeah.

Just try to show your real safe because don't waste anyone's time. And it's not that we're just about pictures. We're just trying to help you here. Yeah. Because it's marketing.

Yeah.

It really is. It is true. Okay, so the most popular profile pics is according to an eharmony study where they were landscape three by four pictures. They show at least upper body with some type of background. It shows. Most people show the left side of their faces because supposedly we show more emotion with the left side of our faces.

Most men preferred pictures women displaying happiness.

Mm.

Women want men who displayed pride.

Wow.

I don't know what that means. Carrying a flag. I don't know. Okay, profile. What to say in your profile. If people are even reading profiles these days. Of course you gotta, like, skip the generic. Like, I like long walks on the beach, hiking and hiking and running and outdoorsy. Like, you don't want to overdo it either. No, because what if you don't hike and you're not outdoorsy? And then you'd be like, no. So you want to make it diverse, but you just also just want a ceiling that gets you people's attention. So what would you recommend? You're a writer too, and it's written a bunch of awesome books, btw.

Thank you. I do not enjoy people who are super earnest. I think it's, you know, show your. This is your, like, chance to show your personality. So anybody who's super genuine about what they like is not that interesting to me. If it's sort of like a bio, you know, that has. Has just like a liveliness or a sense of humor. Humor is so much more appealing to me, you know, when it's just like, I'm looking for genuine, caring, compassionate.

Who isn't?

Yeah.

When they say that.

Yeah.

You think don't say that then I.

Think, don't say that.

Right. Like I'm looking for like. Yeah. Like a genuine, caring, loving person who wants to see, you know, wants to share the life together. You're like.

Or just even about themselves, you know, I'm a hard working, driven, passionate individual.

So. Okay, it's funny. I don't know. Madison was doing this prep here, but it says, doesn't hurt to start your profile with a catchy line. As long as it isn't too cheesy.

Yeah.

When I'm not flying space shuttles for charity, I like to spend my time playing guitar with Eddie Van Halen and writing novellas. Just kidding. Eddie and I no longer speak. Don't ask.

That's great.

Right?

I love that one.

Yeah. So it's like, make be funny. Like, we know that you're probably, you know, we can see in your pictures maybe what you do, but. Right. Get her in. And it really is about writing. I have so many guy friends who are just cool, great writers and great Texters. And they get way more play on these sites. And women too. Although I don't write anything on mine. Really?

You don't? I haven't looked at yours. I need to.

Well, you're gonna tear it apart because I did like three of the mistakes that you just mentioned.

Run dmc.

These are the free. I met him in Vegas. And you know, they pull your pictures and you can't. You gotta show me later how to get rid of them. Okay, these are the phrases not to use in your dating profile. There was a study that came out recently that said under any circumstances, these lead to failure. Can you guess what any of them are?

None of the ones we've said so far.

Nope.

Give me a hint.

Oh, maybe you did say that. I don't know if you did. I can't believe I'm online dating.

I don't know. I never see that. I feel like.

I feel like I can't believe I'm doing this.

Can believe it now.

Right, right, right. I'm tired of the games.

Yeah.

I'm looking for the one.

Yeah, well, that's. That we sort of covered, right?

I live life to the fullest.

Oh, yeah.

I work hard, I play hard. I want the total package. I'm over the bar scene too.

Oh, yeah. I don't mind that. I don't mind that. I do think all the other ones, it's just cliches. A half need writing, you know, is what I excise in every piece I edit too, you know?

Right. So then how. What if someone's not a great writer?

Yeah, that's kind of cool.

But that's. Do they have their friends? Maybe they, I think, advice to you if you're dating online. And again, it doesn't have to be either one of these apps. It could even just be you met someone and you're texting them. Because truly, this is really about. If I meet some guy and I give him my phone number and he texts me, hey, how's your day? You're the last text I'm gonna get back to whether it's on my phone or on my friggin hinge. 56 messages, like, do stand out, like, in some way. But I'm not telling you to jump through hoops, but don't.

Well, you know, I've thought about this. Because, you know, if you're dealing with a writer, it's not really fair. Nobody asks me to solve a math equation when I sign up for these things. Like, there are things that I'm terrible at that are not on immediate display. So it's not entirely fair. And I just did have this slash as we were talking. Like this sounds so awful, everything we're saying. And it sounds like so embittered. And the truth is this is just based on our experiences and you know, and studies here.

I'm not just talking about us. Yeah, but we could sound bitchy to you. You're like, but you guys, you say hi to me. I know. Guys could be angry right now listening. They could be throwing something. I said hi. And I married this woman because I just said hi to her.

Yeah.

And I'm not saying it doesn't work. I'm just saying if you want to. If there's a lot of people who are also frustrated and they want more success.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I just don't want people to think, you know, oh my God, I've just been doing it all wrong because I've been doing.

You just told me three. I have to change all my pictures now. So I'm not perfect either. But all I'm saying is there are that it sort of is like marketing yourself in the best way possible.

Yeah.

Not in like a marketing cheesy, but just put your best. We don't often know.

Yeah.

Like we can't have a mirror. So have a good friend, a good guy friend, a good girlfriend. Take a look at it. If you really are looking for someone and you're taking this seriously, Another thing is when they compliment your physical appearance. I think this goes both ways. If a guy's like, nice pics, you're like, well, I know that's why you liked me. Like we matched.

Yeah. I think there's a way to do it that's really charming.

Like how?

Well, nice pics is just very generic. So if it's. It's hard because how do you do this in a way that's not cliche, but just like, you know, something specific about your eyes that isn't cheesy.

Right.

You know, something that shows that it's actually something about you and not just a mask.

And if they looked at your pictures and they like put something from it, you know. Yeah.

But not to do it. Only to do it. If you actually feel that not to just generically compliment and to do it, I mean, it shows a certain level of confidence, I think, you know, sort.

Of self awareness for them to look at the picture and to like.

And to be bold enough to say, you know, to not be gameplay and just to say, I like this.

Right, Right.

But I do think also kind of the number one thing, take something from the photos or what's written and ask a question sort of related to that or make a comment related to that.

Right, Exactly. Like, that's totally true because I like, I. Another thing I should probably take down, but I have a picture of me and I don't have many like me on the mic.

No, that's fun.

But then that's like a giveaway. I'll write it like, oh, that's funny. You work in front of the mic, I work behind the mic or I do something.

How many people have known who you.

You were? It's happened a few times with Hinge. You get their last name. Well, the problem is it says Sex with Emily in the back of my Facebook profile. So that gets pulled into Hinge, so I gotta change the back photo. And then one guy said, oh, I'm a fan of your show. The guy who came to a party with a date who I never met. Which that's happened a few times. And that is a little weird because I'm like, do I want to date someone? But then you said he was a really nice guy. Because I would have written it off.

Yeah. It's shocking to me that he would write something like that.

Maybe I didn't even believe that he would. Yeah, he went to Harvard. I'm like, you're listening. I mean, whatever. Not that smart.

No, not a high. Harvard alumni that are all listening. That's not at all what I'm saying.

We're really smart.

Wait, but what. What, by the way, just to clarify, it wasn't that he would listen to your show, but that he would write I'm a fan of it.

That.

That was why. Right?

That was totally just my own, like.

You had an insecure moment, which I just like, never happens. So like to documented for the masses. There was something I was just gonna say. I can't remember.

Oh, it was about. It was about.

Saying. I don't remember. Nice pics or nice.

No, it was after that.

Oh, does anyone date me who knows me?

Yeah, I once did have someone. I thought this was really funny. That said. Why are you using Anna David's pics?

Like, as a joke?

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah.

So they knew you. Yeah.

That is funny. Yeah.

Did you date him?

No.

Oh, but he knew it, right?

Yeah, I thought it was funny.

That is funny. Okay, be cautious with opening joke. Be humble. Research shows guys seem somewhat vulnerable, awkward or more appealing. The guy that seem vulnerable awkward. Maybe because they're less threatening and seem less like players.

Okay. I want to know about messaging when we come back. I can take a quick break here, but also first message, first messaging, and then first dates, and then we're going to answer some emails from the peeps. So I will be right back. And I want to talk to you about Fleshlight is the. Anna, do you know what a Fleshlight is?

Not only do I know, but I saw your video on Instagram yesterday, which I thought was amazing.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. Have you done that before?

Cuddled with my flashlight, but done it.

In that, like, no words, but a lot revealed.

Check out my Instagram ex with Emily. No, we just were having so much more fun in the office these days.

That was in the office and not in bed.

Well, don't tell our secrets. I wasn't really in bed.

It looked like it.

Well, so I was cuddling with a Fleshlight in my Instagram video. So a Fleshlight is a male masturbation sleeve. Okay. So a lot of men, they use their hand. That's the only way they're gonna get off. They think when they're masturbating, we've got hundreds of toys we can use. Or I literally. Do we have to talk about date proofing my house after this. Anyway, Fleshlight, though, is the number one sex toy for men because it actually looks and feels like the real deal. Like they're actually having sex, but it feels like better than some. It's not that it's better than sex. They're gonna feel something different that they feel with their hand and different they feel with the vagina because the material is patented material that is made to feel and look and feel like the real deal has like bumps and ridges on the inside. They put lube in it. It can make guys, like last longer in bed if they get the stamina training unit. And I'm just saying masturbation month is at an end now, but May was a big month and I just want people to. I want guys like, check this out and just be like, you know what? If you don't like it, fine. Like, it's not hard to clean up and your partner can use it on you. Handjobs are a lost, dying art. They are. Have her give you a hand job. She might not want to go down that day. Then you still get handy. So check it out. Go to sexwithemily.com, click on the flashlight banner, use code Emily and you get a free bottle of their award winning flesh lube. And check out my video. When I actually slept, went to bed with five Fleshlights On Instagram. It was a good one. Okay, so we are here. I just. Okay. Anna.

Yes.

I want to talk about the messages. Like, what do you think about. Do you ever message a guy first?

No. Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think. I'm sure it's happened, but I think rarely.

Okay. You wait for them because some people say, like, guys, I've been polling, like, talking to my guy friends. Like, they love it when women write them because it takes the pressure off.

Interesting.

And they say that, like, there's so many, you know, women who won't do that, that they actually appreciate it. They're like, oh. Cause, you know, whatever. They're nervous or maybe they're intimidated by the fact that you match. Who knows? Maybe they Googled you. So it might be a good thing to do. I don't think that. I think those rules of, like, mental. But I actually don't that often make the first message. But, you know, I think you can.

I feel like it just sort of suggests that the person isn't interested and just randomly checked on you.

Yeah.

So that's why I think I.

Right. Because we don't want to be rejected. What if you message him? He doesn't message you back, but you match. Here's another thing, though, that. So messaging. I would just say for women, if you're messaging the guy, don't say to him either, you look so great. I loved your clothes. I mean, again, you got to be creative. You got to just do something, say something different that paid attention, that shows that you paid attention. But some mistakes, I think that people do just overall, which drives me insane with, I don't care if you met someone online. I don't care if you met them, you know, at a lunch spot. When you message and message and you text and you text for, like, weeks and weeks, and no one's. You don't make a plan. And then in your mind, you're like, we're getting really close, but you've never met them. And you're saying it's like a relationship that hasn't even happened. And it's like, prematurely, and you escalate. Some people are, like, having phone sex and they've never met or texting. Yeah.

I find that really hard to take just because I feel like we all have enough texts and emails to return. So, you know, and I did once have a guy where we were messaging on Tinder, and I said, look, do you want to meet or not? And he unmatched us.

Shut up. Really. So he Just wanted to, like. Right. I don't have time. Like, I don't. Right. So if you like someone, I say go back and forth a few times and then ask them for a date. That's what it's all about, meeting in person. And I don't like all this extending shit forever. Right. I don't want that at all. Okay. So any other final, I've got, like, just. And then the first date. It's okay if it's short, like a coffee or drink. I know that people go back and forth. Like, you can't really tell if you're sitting at Starbucks, but I think you can.

I think you can. I knew a girl in New York who said. And I don't know if this is true, that she would sit down five minutes in. Go. You know what? This is just not happening. And leave after five minutes.

I've heard that story, too. I've heard guys do that. I'm not. I'm such an. I, like, give people the benefit of the doubt. I think maybe I could probably tell in.

15.

But, you know, then I always think, well, maybe something else here. But an hour. An hour, I think you can tell and you can be out. So. Yeah. And then my weird brunch date last week. Sweet guy. I hope he never listens. But he said he had the weirdest moment, which I never explained to you. Why? Because it wasn't that he was a bad person. He was a kind person. He was a sweet person. He was wearing shorts. That's fine. We sit down and we're there for a minute. And he says, so have you been on this hinge thing? I'm like, no, you're actually my first hinge date. And he grabbed my hand in this really, like, uncomfortable, like, held it for way too long and just looked into my eyes like he thought it was so sweet or something. And I'm like, you're holding my hand. I haven't gotten my coffee yet for, like, brunch. Okay. So, yeah, coffee's cool. And anything else you want to say about your date? Because I've never done, like, OkCupid or anything else.

But, yeah, I have. And there's super depressing. I don't know why. Those are so much worse messaging and pictures and all that stuff than the apps. I guess it's a bit of a screening process with the apps because your friends are friends with them. But, no, I have never. You know, when I lived in New York, I did meet someone that I really liked and we dated for a while, but it Turned out that we knew people in common.

Okay. So that's always. That always helps.

Yeah, I find those sites really, really depressing.

All right, well, you guys, I'm just saying. And if you decide not to date online, just be present when you're out in the world, because it's not like you have to go to a bar or you have to go to a club or you have to be out at night even to meet somebody. Sometimes you can just meet people. Like when you're walking from. I don't know where you live, but, you know, even in la, if you're walking from your car to your meeting, everyone's on their cell phone or you're standing in line. I always say standing in line for coffee, don't be on your cell phone. At those times, if you're a single person, you're like, I can't meet anybody. And you take the same route home from work every day. And you do everything the same. You could try doing something else. You could try taking class or doing something you're interested in. But if you don't have time for any of that, then just put your phone down and pay attention when you're waiting in line for something. Or just pay attention when you're walking around and see who you see. And see who I am.

I went out with that guy that I met at Whole Foods.

Right, Exactly.

I did.

A lot of people meet people at Whole Foods, grocery store. So just like, pay attention. There are plenty of people. And I do not believe that wherever you live is the worst place to date.

I agree with you. I hate it when people say I hate it.

Because you know why? Wherever you go, there you are. And there are plenty of single people wherever you go. You just got to pay attention, open your eyes and. And, and if you still have this approach anxiety, just start talking to people. Yeah, start, like, practice. Hi. How's your day? Whatever. Doesn't matter. You'll be fine. And then you get over it. You do?

Yeah.

Let's get into some emails. How's that? Sure. Want to help me with some. Some people?

Sure.

Some questions. Okay. Everyone, I love hearing from you. Feedbackextextwithemily.com thank you for emailing me all your questions. It's awesome. I love it. I love my listeners. I love you. Dear Emily, I'm 24 and I live in LA. I haven't had sex. Sex since I was 18. It's not that I haven't tried or not tried since. People sometimes think I tried too much. But don't worry I've played it cool too, to meet people for the sake of relationships or sex or both. I miss connecting with a woman so much I forget what it feels like to make out with someone. While I do want a woman to be with, I want to have sex as well. I'm in the middle of my twenties. I do not want to miss out being able to have an open sex life. I feel bad when I'm in bars or clubs or wherever I see a girl I find cute with her friends. But I feel like I'm being the creepy guy who's ruining the night with her friends. I never know how to act and I feel like I'm missing the part of the brain that can do this. I've tried OkCupid and Tinder for over two years, but it's yielded nothing. I once even went to a craigslist orgy. It got weird and I bailed before anything happened. I bet. Imagine that. But most craigslist things are sketchier. So do you have any advice for my situation? To lose these hangups and. Or any good places in LA that are good to meet people looking for either a casual thing or a serious thing. I want to be able to experience both of these in my lifetime. I'm at a loss, lonely, and don't know what to do. Please help if you can. Mike.

I love that. What a. I mean no, I don't love it, but what a sweet, vulnerable guy.

I know.

And what do you think?

I think that he has what we were just talking about. He's got this crippling anxiety approach, anxiety, social anxiety about talking to women. And he has all these self defeating thoughts in his head that he's gonna be the creepy guy, they're not gonna wanna talk to him, he's going out with. And I get it, Mike, we all have those messages, but we just. I think that for men and for women, our life work is to quiet down all that internal noise and all that negative messaging that we all tell ourselves, like why am I late again? Why? It doesn't matter. If it's anything, we all do it. And you have to just catch yourself doing that and replace those messages. Which is a lot easier said than done. But even if you start to notice these things that you're telling yourself, you'll start to say, okay, that's actually not true, that's what I'm telling myself. And it's not necessarily the truth that these girls don't want to talk to me.

I completely agree. And in recovery, that's the first Thing you hear is your thoughts are not real, so stop reacting to them. And you know, and that's all the basis of all spiritual work is just getting, you know, having that second where you go, oh, I'm lying to myself. That's my self defeating mind. It's so weird. I was just leaving my sponsor this message driving over here that I have. I have one thing that sets me off. Like, I'm not gonna say what it is, but it's like this one thing that will happen where immediately my brain creates a scenario and I react to it like a real. And I was, as I was leaving the message about it happening, I thought I said, oh my God. You know what's weird is it's gotten better ever so slightly. It's super complicated, but it is actually something. There is certainly no immediate result. You don't tell yourself, oh, that's not real. And then suddenly.

No, it's a process. It could take a lifetime. But the fact that this is such a great example that you were reacting, you noticed that you checked in with your sponsor, or you check in with a friend or even your. And be like, hey, it's not real. Like you noticed it and you don't do it. You didn't react. Or maybe you reacted for a second where it would have been maybe three days another time, right?

Yeah.

Because the truth is you would have reacted for it. It would have bummed you out, and it wasn't even true for three days.

But I do find you have to do it. And then it happens. The thought comes back and you have to keep doing it. It's a process. But, you know, we can change neural pathways in our brain. The brain is a lot more malleable than they used to think.

Right.

So it's fully formed, you know, by the age of 25. But we can change through changing our reactions, we can change how we react in the future.

Absolutely. So this is what we're saying for Mike is that he has to work on this, that you have to work on prep. So I always say, like dating, these dating skills are kind of like a muscle. And if you don't use it or you've never used it, if you don't use it, you'll lose it. But if you've never used it, you haven't been out there like just talking to women. And I'm telling you, I've met plenty of guys who've just come up to me and start talking to me that I've actually dated. It's a way, it's A confidence that you have. So it's getting rid of all these negative thoughts, and you just start, you know, hey, guys, you don't hang out for too long, but if you find someone interesting, you just start talking. And you can also start practicing. Like I said, when you're out in the world to women, maybe you're not attracted to. Or to guys, just practice striking up a conversation in the moment where you, like, observe something going on. Let's say you're waiting in line for coffee, and you're. You're like, oh, God, is the line here? I haven't been here before. And then you. And then you make a comment upon something like, I think I'm gonna try their, you know, mocha latte. Have you tried it? And you ask a question. You observe. You ask a question. And then that's a way to start a conversation that doesn't seem creepy. And you can kind of do that in a scenario like this.

Absolutely. And, yeah, I think, like, your analogy, or, you know, the analogy of the gym. You don't walk. You don't, like, wake up and go, I'm gonna go run a marathon. You go, I'm gonna try this. I'm gonna go on the treadmill. Gonna hurt, you know? And I do think, understanding, Mike, that rejection is part of all of our lives.

Right.

Constantly. So getting that, you can't be devastated when it happens. You have to keep doing it.

I think that's a great point. Like, you're not gonna die if someone rejects you. And you will get rejected, Mike. You will. But you're gonna realize again, it's not so bad. Like, you'll get over it. It's fine. And the more you practice it and the more you won't, you know, eventually you won't get rejected. Or maybe you won't get rejected right away. But the truth is, women and men, we all get rejected.

Yeah.

And we don't die. It makes us stronger.

Yeah.

It's totally fine. And also stop. Maybe also going to the bars. Mike, you might want to, like I said, go to the gym. Do it somewhere else, walking down the street. But you have a lot to offer women. You're really sensitive. You seem really sweet. You seem like a good guy, and you really want to do it. And you are just stopping yourself with these negative thoughts because I'm sure you just. Once you get out there and start doing the stuff, you'll be fine.

Yeah. And wait, I did want to clarify. When I was talking about rejection, I didn't mean just solely dating, like, you know, you just.

Rejection in life. Yeah, you do.

You want something, you don't get it. You know, treat you the way you want to be treated, whatever.

So.

So especially in our business too, right? When you're in. Yeah.

You try out for things, you know. Oh yeah. And I did want to say I was on, you know, the dating expert on Attack of the show for three years.

Attack of the Show. Right.

And that job just happened. But I have gone in on a million sort of dating expert jobs and not gotten them.

Exactly right. But people think like, oh, everything happens. And this whole business is about reduction, which I did not know. The first few times I did get rejected from things, I'm like, they shot a pilot, so it's happening. Oh, no, it doesn't necessarily happen. Makes you stronger. Okay, we have time for, I'd say one more. Okay. Hi, Emily. I'm a 30 year old introverted man that has been single all my life. I've been told I'm good looking by female co workers and I stay in shape.

But fail at making women interested in me. I was wondering from your experience if it's possible to spark up an attraction with someone without flirting and from just a normal conversation between two adults. I was never fond of flirting and I can't help to see that something is childish that may have been okay to you in high school. Thanks for any advice, William.

Yeah, he can't flirt, but then he's like making flirting like it's a thing, a skill that he doesn't have. And I think it's just a natural thing that rolls out of you.

Flirting is talking.

It's. Yeah, it's just talking and being open and playful and smiling. It's not like you gotta go to like flirting boot camp. It's playful, it's light and you can have an attraction to someone without flirting initially. But I don't even know the light hearted banter.

Yeah, I mean, I think some of us flirt with, you know, men, women, even if we're straight animals, babies, you know, it's like that flirting is conversation is like you said, playful conversation.

Right, Exactly. So don't, don't, don't trip. Yo, how we doing? All right. Anna?

Yes.

You're awesome. Yeah. Really? Thank you. This was great. Is there anything else that we need to hit here about dating online dating? I'm just telling people I want to just. People ask me all the time, like just, just how do we get out there? And I just think that there's no more stigma with dating online and there's a lot. There's Match. What are your friends doing now? Okay, Cupid, honey fish. Match. I think Match is for people who actually want to match. So that's not as.

But again, it's sort of like what you were saying about how Tinder isn't necessarily a hookup. Like there are people everywhere trying to do this, trying to connect.

So just find the ones that you like and start doing it. And also start practicing when you're out in your day to day life just talking to people.

And don't go, okay, it didn't work this time. It's never gonna work.

Right. Exactly. Just cause you get. You just really like. That's why it's good to have two in a day.

Yes.

Sometimes we date the same person. Okay. And so Anna, you are annabdavid on Twitter.

Yes.

Terpartysite on Twitter. And you gotta check out her awesome podcast, AfterPartyPod.

Yes.

And they find that where iTunes, iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher.

Everywhere, everywhere.

I love it. Okay, well, thank you, Anna for being here and thank you, Madison. And is there anything else I need to tell you all? Just that I love you and I love you for listening and I would love. Oh, be so happy if you checked out my website, sex with emily.com, sign up for the newsletter. Followed me on Instagram like I said, because I cuddled with a flashlight. No, we do funny things on there. It's a good time. And Twitter and Facebook, it's all. All sex with Emily across the board. So thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com hi, it's me, TV's Ross Matthews, you know, from the Tonight.

Show, Chelsea lately, E. Red carpets, blah, blah, blah.

Well, now I have a podcast, Straight Talk with me, Ross Matthews.

And it has become the go to.

Destination for some of Hollywood's biggest stars, from Lauren Conrad to Kristen Bell, Kelly osborne, Brad Gresky, RuPaul and more. And this week we have Britney Snow from Pitch Perfect 2. Just like the biggest movie in the world. No big deal. Coming up, Khloe Kardashian and who knows who else. Straight Talk with Ross Matthews on podcast1.com.

Okay, everyone, thanks for listening to the show. Here's Delio. I gotta talk to you about your penis for a second. Just one second. Okay, so there's this thing, okay? Men and women, we orgasm at different rates. For example, Anna, I'm just gonna ask you, how long do you think it takes a woman to orgasm on average?

I think it totally depends. On the woman. It used to take me a long time, now it doesn't.

But women that you hear like it's because somebody say it's like between 20 and 40 minutes.

I don't think that's true. I really don't. I think that, I mean this is my experience. If that doesn't happen after 40 minutes.

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