How to Tell A Naked Man What To Do with Candida Royalle

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Welcome to tonight's show of sex with Emily. My guest is Candida Royale. She's a true pioneer. She created the idea of erotica for women and couples so you can all improve your sex life and get turn together. You're gonna love tonight's show. You know I'm obsessed with toys. I talk to you about toys all the time. But they're not just for women. Do you know that Fleshlight is the number one sex toy for men? I mean, wouldn't it be amazing? Imagine if you could feel the pleasure of having sex anytime even when you didn't have a partner. Fleshlight is the most popular sex toy for men. It stimulates the sensations of sex and it was engineered to look and feel like the real deal. I've given one to like. All my guy friends are like, what? Why do I need that? I've got my hand. And now they're like, can I get one for my friend? I'm like a dealer of Fleshlights around my office. I swear to God, you guys will love it. You should check it out. You can also check out the Fleshlight stamina training unit. It helps you practice lasting longer and becoming a better lover. And you'll experience some pretty mind blowing orgasms. And it's funny because I've been talking about this a lot. I'm getting hundreds of emails from people and y' all want to buy it and you're all enjoying it, so please check it out. Go to skills sexwithemily.com and click on the Fleshlight banner. Now go to sexwithemily.com Fleshlight or click on the Fleshlight banner. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean?

Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sex with emily.com because when you're@sexomemy.com you can do so many things. We update the website every day. We have all the podcasts there. Easiest way to listen to them is to subscribe on iTunes. We do two shows a week and you should sign up for my mailing list. I've been told I don't want to brag, but I give pretty good email. So I send you emails, give you information, and improve your sex life and your relationships, which is what I know you all want. And also you can follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All Sex with Emily. And also you can send me your questions. Feedbackexwithenly.com so I have a few exciting announcements to make and I'm here with Anderson tonight before my amazing guest. How you doing, Anderson?

I'm doing good.

How are you?

I'm really good. Just got back from Michigan.

How was that? Were you just flying out? Just passing out flashlights left and right?

Exactly. I was. You can't believe my suitcase. It was £54. I came home, it was like only £42. £10 of sex toys.

Hi, dad.

Here's a flashlight.

Exactly. Now, I brought home my candles. I brought home Textx toy for my sister. In law. My nieces found it. The rabbit.

You're very funny. You're like a sexual Santa.

I am a sexual. I am the sexual Santa to everyone I know. That's, like my purpose. I think I'm playing my trunk instead of reindeer.

What do you have?

You know how guys sell?

Like, you're like sliding on a loo.

You know, there's those guys who like the fake purses out of their trunk. Like, I. People come to my trunk and I've got, like, sex toys.

But they're all real.

But they're not fake.

But they're fake dicks.

They are fake dicks. They're not necessary.

They're not Gucci.

They're not dicks. They're not Gucci. That's true. But it was a good time. And I have lots of exciting announcements to make too. Coming up soon about some new business stuff I have going on in Michigan, which is great. And also, everyone, I want you to check us out on itunes. If you like the show. I would love if you would just go to itunes and review us. It would be awesome. Tell us what you think of the show and all that stuff.

Ones and fours is always what I say. Either hate it or love it. Don't think that it's okay.

I love Anderson fives.

Oh, ones or fives.

I'm sorry.

Ones or fives?

Don't listen and turn this off right now.

But if you love me, stop masturbating. I think anyone who hates this show, they're probably just masturbating, then they feel guilty afterwards.

And then that's why people who hate shows, I'm like, change channel. Don't listen. Don't download it.

Yeah, it's like when it's on itunes, when it's a podcast, it's not like it's on your dial. It's not like we're. Yeah, it's like it should not be on itunes. And I'm not talking about yours. I'm talking about, like, my podcast. People say that it's like, is it in your way? Like, how is it.

There's like a million itunes, there's a million podcasts. People friggin relax, okay? I'm start talking to my wonderful, beautiful, lovely guest here. I've heard so much. It's Candida Royale. Hi, Candida.

Hi, Emily.

I'm so glad we are making this happen because it's been a long time coming.

It has been a long time coming.

I know. And so if you don't know, Candida Royale is a pioneer in Many ways, because I've been studying you now. I've always known about, you know, your work, but like really, you fascinating things that you've done, things that are coming up for you. And one of the first things I was thinking about that was important is because one of the reasons you're a pioneer is because you, you truly invented couples erotica. I mean, that really didn't exist before you. And it's, you know, you make films from a female perspective, but that couples can often, you know, they can watch and enjoy together, which I think is amazing. And I think that, that porn has become so confusing right now for men and for women and for couples. And the thing with men is, you know, these days they do so much of their porn watching and hiding and they with shame. And the women are hurt and confused and they're turned off by their partner's porn watching habits and they feel assaulted by some of the things their partners are watching and they're distressed because my partner's want me to look and act a certain way. I mean, you know, all this. And this is why you created it. But this still goes on.

Yeah.

And so, and you know, women believe that, you know, if he's watching porn, that, you know, that I should look that way. But I thought we were having great sex. And then it feeds into women's insecurities about body image and insecurities and infidelity and it's challenging. They can.

Men's insecurities too.

Exactly.

They feel like they have to. They're gonna be compared with these guys with huge things.

Exactly. Every guy I know thinks they have a small penis now. And the guys I've been with are like, no, your penis is. No, it's small. Do you watch porn? I'm like, come on, people, right? It doesn't help anybody. And I always tell people, well, you know, guys write in, my girlfriend's mad at me. Or girls write and women write in. I say watch together, watch together, learn together, find some porn. And I always say female friendly porn. And people like, what does that mean? And so, I mean, we have a lot to talk about today, but I would love to talk. Talk. You talked to me about femme productions when you started, which was in 1984, you started it. So talk to me about how you started that and how, what your vision was and how you implement it, all that stuff.

Yeah, it was, it was kind of bizarre really, because I was really, you know, I had been in movies for a few years. I was appointed star.

How many years were you in movies.

Only five years, and I only did about 25 features. If you look at my bio, or not my bio, but if you look at other people's list of movies I was in, it makes it look like I did like, you know, 500 movies. But it's just people, like, you know, taking scenes and inventing new movies. Exactly. It's so creepy. And so I really only did about 25 features. And then I realized that I was really conflicted about it, you know, like, oh, I was in porn and, you know, so I wanted to make sure that I was okay about it. So I did all this soul searching and research and blah, blah, blah, and went into therapy and. And the irony is that this whole period of soul searching that was supposed to put closure and put Candida Royale to rest really just got me thinking about, well, you know, it's really. I really came to terms with it. I decided that there's nothing wrong with performing sexually for other people to enjoy watching as long as everything is consensual and it's all respectable and it's safer sex and all that stuff. But what really bugged me the most was that there was no women's voice, that, you know, these movies were basically being sold on women's backs. But there was, you know, no, it's.

All about the men.

It was all about the men. And it's all supposedly male fantasy not. And a lot of men didn't even care, really care for it. And so it got me to thinking, like, gee, you know, I mean, it was sort of the perfect storm. Everything came together at the right time. It was. Now we're talking about mid-80s. And because of the women's movement, women felt. Felt the permission to go explore erotica. But there was nothing out there for them.

And men were curious. They wanted to watch it with their partners. And now there was home video all of a sudden, and cable tv and there was a safe place for women to watch. So I thought, you know, this would be so interesting. You know, what would a woman's movie, what would a woman friendly movie look like? And, you know, and so it really got me to thinking, right?

Like, what would you want to see?

Yeah, what would I want to see? And to me, the that needed to change the most was the sex. You know, I didn't want to just take some silly soap opera plot and then put the same old boring, formulaic sex to it, right? And so that's what really had to change the most. So that's really what happened. I got really curious and now we had the venue for a safe place for women to watch.

So. So you created the. Where were you living? Were you in San Francisco?

No, I was already back in New York by then. I had spent almost 10 years in California by this time. I'd come back to New York.

Okay, so now were you. So how did you figure out what it is that women want? Like, I mean, you're a woman, obviously, but did you write the scripts or did you do everything?

Yeah, I did. Well, I partnered up with this woman, Lauren Neeme. At the time. We did the first three movies together. We created Femme Productions. At the time, I was married to this fabulous Swedish guy whose family were very successful in film production and distribution over in Sweden. And his father thought that our idea was just brilliant and he offered to put up all the money as long as I found distributor. I didn't even have to look for the money. It was so meant to happen. Yeah, exactly.

Amazing.

And so we started out really. She wanted to be the director and I was the producer and the writer of the scenarios. And we started out really simple. The first few movies were like Femme, Urban Heat, Christine Secret. And they were really mostly beautiful visuals, original music. And I thought, you know, these people look great. They know how to be erotic. Let's not give them big lines to recite.

And.

And so that's really. So, yes, I actually came up with.

So give me an example. Like, so when we. Because I always say like, what's the difference? I'm like, well, they have a plot, you know, women want a plot. They want. They want a storyline. They don't want to just walk in and see people having sex and like the comm shot and all that. We need, you know, so. So your films are more. I mean, how could you say? Well, they're more plot driven, but it's.

Also context, I think women want a context.

Right. They want to know the character. Yeah.

Like why these people here and what would this particular couple do together and why. You know, I like to use three daughters. My first, that was my fourth movie and that was really the one that put us on the map. And it was this lovely coming of age story about a young woman having her first love affair, her first sexual experience within the context of the whole family. She has two older sisters and even the par.

Have this very erotic, wonderful scene of rediscovery together. That was my dear friend Gloria Leonard, who played the mother. And I mean, they were gorgeous parents.

And so I always give it as an example because, like, I would really talk to the actors and say, this is who you're playing. And, you know, I want to see the kinds of things these people would really do. And I don't want it to be the same old. Like, no matter what kind of scene you were doing, in typical porn, she's playing a virgin, but meanwhile, the first thing she does is drop to her knees and swallow him up. Yeah.

How'd she know how to do that? Right. Virgin.

Sure.

You're a virgin, Right, Exactly.

So, you know, the scene that Heather, the young daughter virgin, has with her first lovely boyfriend is quite different. It's very tentative. I wanted her to be shy and kind of passive and let him lead the way. Whereas the scene between the oldest sister is really kind of racy and.

Oh, so you kind of had it all.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It was an opportunity to show all kinds of sex play.

Right, Exactly.

So it was great. And in fact, I have to just say that ASEC actually promoted it for. Endorsed it for promoting positive sexual role modeling.

Right.

Because you've been.

It is positive sexual role.

It is.

Okay, so what about porn today? I mean, not a lot of positive sexual role modeling going. Role modeling going on today.

Mainstream porn has gotten hard as ever. Poor.

It is.

It's shocking.

The tube channels, I mean, and that's where kids are learning today. And it's so upsetting. That's. I'm always telling. But that's just all they can find. And it's free. It's on their phone. And so I don't.

And they think that's what sex is about.

Exactly, exactly. You should not. I mean, I have a lot of young. I mean, I have people of all ages listening. But I always say it's okay if you get turned on. Fine. But technically, that is not how you should learn to have sex.

No, it's really not.

He's nowhere near clitoris. He's pounding away. You know, I say this all the time. So. So I think that, you know, you did great work. And also having therapists use. How do they use films with couples?

Well, you know, it's like my good friend Patty Britton sitting here watching us record. She uses my work when she coaches couples. And I think it's really. That you want, if it's appropriate, you want to suggest something for couples to view together that makes them feel comfortable. That is not going to frighten anyone, is not going to turn off anyone. That isn't making the woman feel like she's going to be measured next to that person. And that shows couples making love in A way that is really communicative and tender and playful and fun and creative. Not just the same old guy walks in, drop to your knees.

And then. So are other people making these kind of films? Like, what films? If people listen to, they're like, what films should I watch? Do you recommend your films? And then what other films do you think? Who do you think is doing this today? Because I always. I always say, go to Goodbye, Good Vibrations. We work with them a lot. They have like an After Dark series. You know, they've. There, you can buy minutes to them. They've good vibes and stuff. I love good vibes. But I mean, what do you. What do you.

Well, you know, I think that Tristan Taormina's line is interesting where she brings porn stars in and they just do their own thing.

Right.

And Nina Hartley did a really nice how to line, but. And there's some. What would we used to call edutainment films that are like sex therapists hosting and taking people through scenes. But honestly, I really think some of the more interesting new kind of stuff is coming out of. Outside of the United States, there's some wonderful European filmmakers, women filmmakers, you know, like, I'm interested in distributing the work that other women direct.

Right, so you're still running the company?

Yes, I still run Femme Productions.

Right, okay. Femme Productions.

So, like, I have a couple of Petra Joy's movies. She's a German filmmaker from out of the uk. I think that Erika Erica Lust does really beautiful work. And also there's another woman, Anna Brownfield, who is out of Australia, who does really great work.

Okay, and these are all on your site? People can find them?

Well, no, not all. They're not all on my site. Certainly Petra's is. But I am going to produce links that people can find these movies.

Okay. Because I was going to give out your site, but right now we're also talking about your film today. But is there.

Exactly.

Candida Royale is your site.

It's candidaroyel.com is my site. Two L's and an E. Two L's.

And an E, exactly. And this, you can find this all on sexwithemily.com as well. Okay, that's. That's good. So when we talk about like sex positivity and sexual role modeling and all and all that, do you think that.

Do you think that, like, how can people. Do you think, like, what do you think is happening today with women? Like, how can we help women become more. And men become. Well, mostly. Let's talk about women first.

How can we help women, you think, become more. Feel more, you know, better about their bodies, about sex, their own sexuality, and taking charge of their own, you know, pleasure? Like, I talk about a lot on the show that so many of us are raised that it's about the male. And still. That still goes on, especially if they're watching porn today, you know, how can we help them feel more comfortable and empowered in their sexuality?

I think that, you know, I address a lot of this, and I'm not just doing a shameless plug here, but I think that my book really addresses it. How to Tell the Naked man what to Do.

Oh, I was gonna come to that next. How to Tell a Naked man what to Do. I love. First of all, I love the title. And I was gonna be like, well, what do you tell a naked man? So tell me. Tell me how to tell a naked man what to do. You can buy on Amazon or your website.

You can go right to my website and go to Amazon.

I love the title, by the way.

It's really fun and it's great. Kind of facetious, but it's true. And the purpose of the book is what I thought was, there's a million how to books out there, but if you're not comfortable about your own sexuality, nothing is going to help.

Exactly.

So my book basically takes you through. It's as if you're making a movie. And so it takes you through the process of learning, discovering who you are sexually, becoming comfortable with who you are sexually, and then learning how to ask your partner for what you need. Because when I would say about 20 years ago, I got involved with someone and I really liked him, but the sex wasn't great. And I was telling a girlfriend, and she said, well, just tell him what you want. And I went, tell him what I want.

Even you? After all this work? Exactly.

I get it.

I get it.

And I realized, oh, my God, if I feel that way, imagine how many women feel that way.

You've been important, you've driven, but I can't tell. Yes, I've been there, too. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm such a deep.

My mind.

Oh, come on. We all expect men to be mind readers. And I've even had women say, like, I just want him to know I'm upset that he doesn't know. He's not excited. How the hell are they going to know? Because every woman is different. So you talk a lot about this.

So I try to help women get in touch with their sexuality, what it.

Is they really Love? Yeah.

What kind of fantasies. Images come to your mind when you reach down and start playing with yourself. You know, I used to be really hung up about my personal fantasies, and I thought, oh, these are so politically incorrect. I was a feminist in college, you know.

Right. You're like, I can't be thinking about a gang bang or anything.

Exactly, exactly. I can't be thinking that this guy just made me have sex with him, you know, and. Because, you know, and that's only a fantasy.

Right? It's fantasy.

I get it. It's not that you really want that, and so. But it's the thing that gets you there. I always say that. I think that rape fantasies are so popular with women because we're so hung up about admitting that we want sex, that we have to pretend in our minds that, oh, he's making me. I have no say in this, so I might as well just lay back and enjoy it.

Right? Exactly.

It's not that we really want to be raped, fellas.

No, we don't want to be raped. And I always thought that fantasy that we have of just being taken is because, you know, there's nothing like that feeling that he just has to have you, that we're the object of desire and that there's nothing like being ravished and wanted and desire, which is what women. We want to be cherished and loved and, you know, and the fantasy of a man just. He can't take it anymore because you're so sexy and beautiful, he can't keep.

His hands off of us. And by the way, men want that, too. You know, men actually want to be dominated more than women do.

Yeah.

They really want to give up the power and surrender.

I think it's just a lot of work. They're, like, exhausted. Really? They're like, really? Am I really to think of the next move? And the next move. They do like it. I think you're right. So in the book, so you talk about women learning. So what are some, like, main takeaways, though, from the book? You think that women, like, I understand. Understanding your own body and being able to communicate that. But, like, give me an example. Like, let's walk through a scenario.

Well, like, you know, I actually walk them through setting up an encounter. Like, you know, you're going to have your lover come over. And so I talk about, like, getting ready for the night, picking out an outfit, picking. What kind of fantasy play do you want to play with? I talk about lighting in the room, you know, and sexy lighting. What things make you feel comfortable and then, you know, it really is. How do you let him know what you want? That is the hardest thing for women.

We're both saying that we've had a hard time.

So, like, one of the things I say is always, like, say he's doing something you're not really into. You always want to start with a positive and then go on to make a suggestion. Otherwise he feels like he can't hear.

Anything else after that.

Exactly.

Shut down. Shut down.

So it's more like, oh, man, I just love how you're licking me. This is so great. Such a turn on, you know? Could you, like, maybe just do it a little more this way so it's.

Like, as opposed to. To the left.

To the left, right, Exactly. You're not directing traffic.

Exactly, exactly.

So we have to be sensitive men brought up to think that they're supposed to know everything. They're the great, you know, teachers. And so they're very sensitive. They're very insecure about that.

Exactly.

And he needs to be able to take hints from her and not get all uptight about it.

Right, Exactly. And not be, like, offended. That doesn't mean you're a bad lover, you know? So how do you think that the years that you've been in the business now, I guess for how many years? Like, 20, 30 years?

Oh, God, I can't even.

I'm trying to think of how. Well, long time. Long time.

Let's just say long time.

So what do you think? Yeah, exactly. What? You know, how do you think it's changed? Do you think it's kind of like everything, when everything changes, you're like, oh, it used to be so much better. Really? What do you see as the change being now from then to now?

Well, the thing that I'm kind of upset about is that, you know, when I was a feminist, one of the big things was that we wanted equal time in the bedroom and men really did want to listen to us and they wanted to be really good lovers for us. And now what I see happening is a lot of young women making themselves popular by being great in bed without any focus on what they want.

Exactly.

And that is really a concern.

Right. And then porn doesn't show that.

Porn does not help.

Exactly. It doesn't help at all. I absolutely hear that. So, okay, so now you are working on a film.

Yes.

Correct. Yes.

I also just want to say real quick that I, in the middle of that, I also started my Natural Contours line. Oh, you really agree?

Okay, tell me about that. Your toy line.

Yes.

Okay. You started that? When did you start?

That was in 1999. We were actually the first.

They're beautiful. I looked them on your site. I haven't seen them in person.

You know, and I'm so crazy. I realized I should have brought you some.

I know. I'm gonna give them out my trunk. Yeah. Just kidding. I would have kept them. Aw. I'll send you a. I wouldn't have padded them on the street, but tell me about your line.

Well, it was really exciting. We really were the first ones to come out with what's become this huge mainstream industry of vibrators. Of vibrators? Yeah. My Dutch industrial designer approached me saying that he had this idea, why can't we make vibrators that are more artistic, more discreet, more beautiful, more economically correct, and that women can feel comfortable owning? Because back in 99, it was still just nothing but big, veiny cocks.

Exactly.

And the rabbit.

And the rabbit and the porn star on the box and pl.

Not even hardly. And it was just all the same thing. And so I thought, what a great idea. Of course, actually, first I said, well, show me something. And he sent me these prototypes of these beautiful. Well, you see what they've become.

Yeah.

And just, you know, just really something that women will feel comfortable the most. We wanted to come up with something that even the most conservative, shy woman would feel comfortable.

Right. They're really right. So tell me about what are the best sellers? Or tell me about some of them.

Well, the best sellers. Seller actually was our Ultim, which was shaped like a U. We were the first ones to create the one that wraps around the pubic bone and stimulates the clitoris and the G spot at the same time.

Okay, I know what that is.

So that was our big seller.

I won't even say it. Your competition. No.

Oh, you know, listen, everyone admits to us. Thank you so much. We copied you.

Really? I mean, everyone copies everyone hours. I know. It's true. So where can people buy natural contours?

Go right to my website. Or you can just go to naturalcontours.com, you know, or candidaroyal.com so did you.

How did you go about the process of. So when did you. When you started the line? In the late 90s? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, we came out with the first three in 99.

Wow. Okay. And so it was.

You were the tester. Were you testing him?

Were you like. Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah. I worked on shapes with him and names and colors.

Yeah, they're really beautiful. Do you. Did you use toys? Were you using toys? Have you always been a toy person?

Not a big toy person? No, I wasn't really. My hand did just as fine a job. But I liked them, you know, and I wanted the option of using them. You know, I didn't find them attractive, really.

Right. They weren't then.

I liked things that I could insert, you know, a lot. And vibrating just made it even more fun. Right.

So.

And I think that also they're great. Like, I try to. I tell women, look, you want to bring toys into the bedroom, you have to make men believe that you're not replacing them.

Exactly.

That it's for both of you to play with and that, you know, it's great fun to use while you're having. So, like, while he's entering you, we have some that just. They're not phallic shaped. They sit on the pubic bone, and they stimulate clitoris while he's entering you.

Or he could be going down on you while inserting one of the other vibes in, like, the G spotter.

Amazing.

Like, our other big seller is the Liberte, and it's a lemon yellow color. It's real pretty. And in fact, we got a really great write up in Red book of all places about it. And it's great because it's very versatile. It helps you find your G spot.

God knows everyone's on your clitoris.

It's like you can do so many things with it.

Okay, good. I'll check that one out. It is true. I mean, people don't. I mean, we talk about this at the show, but that people don't really understand that. And I think guys are coming around to it. Couples are coming around to it. But it is. It's like, it's like it should be your new best friend. It's less work for you. There's more going on. And here's another secret, too. A lot of guys like the vibration too. They think it feels great on their balls wherever. And they're like, whoa, Again, it's just like. Like your couple's toy that you have.

Yeah.

You know, it's like, that feels good. They don't think so. So it's like, once you try, like. And I was saying, all these years, I've heard from people saying, like, my girlfriend wants to use it. I don't want to. But I've never heard anyone complain about it. Like, they never say, like, that was the worst experience ever.

I hated it. You know, it was so funny. One time I was having. I was having Sex with this boyfriend of mine, this really gorgeous, hunky six foot six guy. And. And he pulls out one of my sex toys, you know, like, oh, this is gonna get fun and interesting. And I looked away from it. I turned back. He had it up inside himself.

He did. Oh, he put inside himself.

No way. Oh, this is very. This is becoming very interesting.

Right, right, exactly. So what do you think about that? When you say men want to be dominated, do you think that a lot of men want to be anally penetrated as well?

I wouldn't go so far a lot because I think many don't want to admit it. They're scared of admitting because it's. They think silly things like, oh, it means I'm gay or something.

Exactly.

You know, But I think that a lot of men who are really comfortable with their sexuality and open to trying new things would like to feel what it's like to be penetrating.

Right. And I'm always like, why not try it once? If you hate it, you hate it, you don't like it. But like, lube, go slow. It's another experience. Yeah.

A woman has to be very sensitive. Use a lot of lube. Just start with tiny little things, you know, not some big phallus, you know.

Right, exactly. You got to start small. Yeah, Everything and lube. Exactly. That's how I feel. So. Okay, so now. And now your film, which I watched a trailer to it, which is. It looks fascinating about your. About your life. And it is called right here, while you were gone.

The untold story of candy to Royale. Okay, So, I mean, and you have so many stories. So the documentary, it's about your life. It's about your life and you're still.

And we're still working on it.

Okay, really? Because the trailer looked amazing.

Yeah. Thank you.

And you're doing it through Kickstarter. Are you still.

Well, we had a Kickstarter thing going, crowdfunding, and that was on for a month. And we did not raise all the funds that we were hoping to be looking to raise a lot of money. And so instead we switched over and we now if people go to while you were gone film, or they could even get to it through my website. We have a PayPal site that they can donate through.

Okay, got it. Okay, when we come back, I got a quick break from our sponsors here. We're going to hear more about that. But. But first of all, I need to talk about one of my new favorite electronic objects is not a vibrator. It's actually the Nono Pro. Hey, Removing hair, what a pain in the ass. Is it right? Shaving and waxing and tweezing, I'm sure you've probably done it all right. So the no no pro is amazing because the best way to remove unwanted hair, which you have no pain and you just use it over your body and it zaps your hair and it has like weeks and weeks of long lasting results. And I'm obsessed with it. I just sit at home like I got a hair there, I'll take it off. It's for your, your arms, your face. Men can use it too. You know how men sometimes they're like, I don't want to get my back waxed, but what am I going to go into a slump? But you can just do it at home or get your neck or your chest, wherever you have hairs that you don't want them, has no pain. The no no pro. I'm obsessed with it. You will love it. Men and women. You get a 100% 60 day money back guarantee when you purchase it. You go to nonoemily.com, that's nonoemily.com. you also get a $50 gift card to an award winning skincare line. And it's funny because when they sent me mine to try out, I first was like, you know, I tried it and then I got, I love the no no pro but I didn't try the award winning skincare line. And I'm obsessed with the skincare line because it's like this tinted moisturizer thing that is amazing. So anyway, it's really cool. Go to nonewemily.com, no more like razors or waxing or any of that crap because you don't want to deal with it. Also another thing, I hear from friends every single day that they want to start a website. They're always like, I want to start a website. I want to start a blog. I don't know how to do it. It's very overwhelming. But now there's a new site called Weebly.com that's W E-E-B-L-Y.com it's the coolest concept. So it gives you the freedom to create a great website for whatever you want. Any idea you, any idea you have at all. You can implement it with a weebly website. And weebly.com truly stands apart because it's so easy. You can't believe how easy is you like drag and drop. It's like my five year old niece could create a website with this. You can create a high quality Site, a blog, an online store by yourself. You need zero technical skills. Like I said, you drag and drop. They have all these modern designs. It's like, I couldn't believe. I know. They walked me through it. I'm like. Because I was just talking to my friend home. He's like, oh, I really want to start a blog. I'm like, I could say, you get set up in five minutes. So easy. So, I mean, we all know that making idea. We all know that making an idea come to life is hard, but making a website for it should be easy. Create your free website today@weebly.com. that's W E-E B L Y dot com. Okay. All right, all right. Let's talk about your movie. So your documentary is about your life, and it's a Kickstarter campaign, but you're not doing that anymore, so they can find out. Okay.

Yeah. So, like, if you go to YouTube, you'll see you can just type in, while you were gone, the untold story of Kennedy. Dwight will come up with the trailer that you're talking about. And we're on Facebook. We have a page for it while you were gone. And you can find me on Facebook. And we have a website while you were gone.

So now people can just donate through PayPal. And we're at the stage where, I mean, basically it's tell me the story.

About it, because it's a fascinating story, and I actually, of course, I'm sure everyone to know what happens at the end. But you're not gonna tell me. I'm like, maybe I'll ask her off air. But I'm like, I can't wait to see it. But it's a search for your mother.

Yes, yes.

And there's lots of other storylines running through.

But the deal is that I've done so many interviews, I've been in so many people's documentaries, but there are things that I never wanted to tell, that I really wanted to only tell when it was right time, in my own words. And so there's things I wanted to share, all the backstories between, you know, about my life, about my career, about being a pioneer in the industry, but also the very deeply personal story of, you know, my mother left when I was 18 months old, and I never really knew the truth, you know, why did she really leave? I knew what I was told growing up and.

And what were you told?

Well, I was told that she was not a good woman. She didn't want us, she didn't love us, she abandoned us. And I always just thought, no, this just says, you don't just leave. It was me and my sister, two little baby girls.

How old was your sister?

She was. My sister was probably. If I was 18 months old, she was probably close to five. And we also had a half brother who was older than us from another father. So I just knew there had to be more to this story. And I really wanted to know the truth. And I used to think about. I tried vaguely to find her a couple of times, but I didn't have enough information. So I just decided that, you know.

What about your dad? Did he wouldn't.

He told me some things, but he's, you know, he's gone now and he died. And, you know, the truth is that I talk publicly about the fact that I have cancer now. So I've been dealing with cancer for the last four years. And it definitely makes you think about.

Things differently, I'm sure. And I'm sorry. It seems like it's been particularly challenging struggle that you've had. I was reading something. I didn't know how much you wanted to talk about it, but where are you at now?

Well, you know, I've done very well. It's a woman's cancer, ovarian cancer, which is aggressive. But I've done really well. I'm very strong. I've taken good care of myself so that I really am able to endure the treatments. And, you know, it works very well. It knocks the cancer right out. But I don't get good long remissions, so I'm constantly going into new treatments and stuff.

But you're always the doctor. I mean, it's always ongoing.

Yeah, but I'm doing great.

But you feel good when you look.

I do.

Beautiful and great and vibrant. But, yeah, I still dance.

I still dance.

I know you're a dancer. I mean, you dance. You say you've done everything. Really?

Yeah.

And you were the Cockettes, which I would love to talk to you about that, too. I'm a Stanford. Right.

Yeah. I was with the original. I came in just after they broke up. But I then went and worked with a lot of the original Cockettes, like Scrumbling and Martin Warman and Pristine Condition and all of those people, the angels of light. Okay. Yeah.

So you've done. Okay, so. So now. Okay, so we were saying about your.

Your film.

So you've had cancer. So it's me, obviously, that brings up your entire life, like, what you want.

When am I gonna find out the truth about my mother? When, if not now? It's time to do this. I have to do this. So I went and I hired a detective.

Wow. When did you start this process?

Last March.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

So it's new.

Okay.

Yeah. This is all.

You're in it still.

I'm in the journey.

Okay, so you're still in the journey. So we don't know how it ends yet.

Exactly. Exactly.

Okay, so you hired a detective. And what did you know? You said, all I know is that I'm out. So what. Tell me a little about.

Well, I mean, one of the wonderful things that I've learned from my. I found my brother. And I know.

Oh, you didn't. You weren't connected with your brother anymore.

No, no, I never. You know, we were taken from all of that, that whole family. My father took us. When my mother wanted to leave, she had to leave.

And my father just wouldn't let her take us. And so we went with him. And I always thought on the one hand, well, this is admirable. Look how many men don't want anything to do with their children.

And he apologized to me once, and he said that I knew she would probably take you back to St. Louis, where she was from, and I would support you, but I'd never get to see you. And so I knew that he did it for good reasons, but I also really always suspected that it was for anger, also, and bitterness. And so I did learn that basically we were brought up in a pack of lies, my sister and I. She loved us. She wanted us. She was devastated, just like I always suspected.

That's what you found out now. But she had never reached out to you.

Well, she really was afraid to. And she felt at a certain point, you know, maybe I'm better. Maybe they're better off. I mean, she did struggle for a while.

She had a lot of struggles. I mean, that's gotta be. So that's like your sense of abandonment and dealing with that. I mean, that's just.

Oh, it's the worst thing. I mean, at 18 months old, ironically, that is exactly when.

The place where an infant is at that point is just starting to walk away from Mommy, you know, venture away, crawl away. But looking back, is Mommy still there? Am I safe? And at one point, I look back, and Mommy wasn't there. She was never there again. And it's. It's a horrible thing to grow up with. You basically feel that you were never good enough, Right?

Exactly. You might blame yourself, right?

Yeah.

Like kids with divorce or anything. You blame yourself.

You were unwanted, but you don't Even.

It's not even a conscious thing. I know I used to think that people like my parents got divorced or my dad died, you know, young. Till I was 19, but. But, you know, you think. You don't really think. It's not a conscious thing. You just can't help it. That's where you go to because your mind doesn't know where to go to. And you live with that.

Exactly.

And especially relationships. Exactly.

Oh, yeah.

Especially when you dad ever remarry.

Oh, yes. In fact, my stepmother is. Thank God for her because, I mean, he took us to live with his mother, my grandmother, and that was a good thing. It was a big Italian family, and.

I had a lot of relatives around.

I'm half Italian. Yeah. On my father's side. And so. But it was sad because I would call all my aunts and cousins mommy, you know, it was like, well, where's my mommy? You know? And I was really kind of lost. And a couple of times he stupidly. When my grandmother got ill, he stupidly put us in foster care. And that was really very traumatic. Very, very traumatic. And so I was in such bad shape from that that my mother had. He was dating at the time. She had met me and she had fallen in love with me, and she said, let's get these kids out of here. Let's get married and make a home. So she's in some ways the hero of the story, really. And. But so he did remarry, and at least there was some stability there. It wasn't a perfect marriage, but at least there was.

Now. Have you. So you're married. You're not married now?

I was married.

Okay. And so now. And you. So now you're working. So this is your main. You're working on film right now. And are you.

I'm also working on the book.

Oh, you're writing a story.

I'm gonna be writing.

And so what else is about your. Are you talking also about your. Your life about. In film and all the things? I mean, do you think how much you think that had an impact on your. Obviously on everything. But unlike your chosen career path or working in, like, how you got into porn, like, can we talk about that? We always say, yeah, you know, like, I always argue because I've had a lot of women, like, who are porn stars now, for example, on the show, and everyone's just like, oh, they were abused. They were. Everyone's got the. These theories, but a lot of them are, like, right now. But it's like. But do you think that's true. Because there's a lot of like, no, I really chose to it to make money. Now you have these college girls who are like, yeah, I could be a waitress, but I'm gonna do a webcam, you know.

Exactly.

But what do you think? I mean, do you think that was part of you trying to get, you know, trying to find love? Just being more open and free spirited? What do you think it is?

I think nothing is ever black or white for one reason. And so it's a lot of grays. And I think on the one hand I came of age during the so called sexual revolution. It was a very different period. You know, people were having experimental sex all the time and it was not as yet. There was no killer disease out there for having sex. It was a very different time. And so a lot of people went into the business thinking this was a great way to make extra money. I was doing a lot of underground theater, I was doing my art, I was singing in jazz clubs. I didn't want to worry about making a living at end the. The stuff I loved doing. And so I always say that I went into porn to support my art habit. But on the other hand, I did come to realize that on the downside, we went through a pretty rough time in my home life when I got to my teens. And my father was a very by that time, very unhappy man. And he basically took it out on my sister and I, and especially me, I was still living at home. And he was so bitter and so angry that I couldn't do anything right. And I was this really wonderful daughter. I was a good kid. I wasn't wild, I wasn't running in the streets, you know, I wasn't having sex with anyone. I didn't even have sex with my first boy until I was 18, you know, and I just, I did everything. I was talented. I was going to specialized art high school and college. I was a good girl. And I never got any support from him. He was by that time, he was cruel to me.

Shut down.

Yeah, just shut down. And so nothing I could do seemed to get his love. And at the same time I was sexually assaulted. I fought the man off in the woods when I was very young. And so all these weird messages, like I think the message that came to me is that the only way to get attention is through being sexual. Right.

Which I think. And that I think that a lot of women still feel like.

Exactly. And I think that. But I subconsciously put that into my way of thinking that no matter what I did how talented I was, how smart I was, what a nice girl I was. It wasn't enough that the only thing that really made a man want you is if he was sexually, sexually desired you. And I do think that that was part of why I went into porn. You know, it's like, felt like, oh.

I'm desired and I'm having sex.

Well, it's like, you know, if it's daddy's love you're looking for, you try to find it by screwing as many men as you can. But it's never enough. Because it's not daddy.

Right, exactly. God, so true. Yeah, I've been through that. Not as a porn star, but as my dad dying and all that stuff. I totally understand the daddy issues. Like, had therapy. You work on a lot of women, you know that? People would ask me like, is it really about women's relationship with their fathers? It's gonna dictate their relationships. I mean, not wholly and completely. Like again, nothing's black and white, but.

You know, but to a good listen, one of the first things I ask men, somewhere getting in the conversation when I start seeing them is, oh, so what's. How about you and your mom? Are you close?

Right? I always ask that too. My mom's like, if they hate their mother, they're mean to the waitress. Like, get out of there. No, it's so true. That's the advice that mom always gave me. And she's right.

So it's almost a cliche, but unfortunately it's true.

I know it is true. It is true. Well, good luck with your film. We're gonna answer a quick email from a listener here. I thought you could help me. Okay, thanks everyone for emailing me. I love getting your emails@feedbackexwithemily.com hello Emily, my name is Tabitha. I am soon to be 22 years old and just recently I received a kidney transplant. I was born with an autoimmune disease. I admit that I felt weird about my body lately. About four years have passed since I got diagnosed. And over the duration of those years, my body started changing. My weight fell off pounds at a time. Every couple months, a new scar was added to my collection. My body no longer feels like mine most days. I recently changed partners. I've noticed a slight increase in my energy and sex drive. But I still feel self conscious. A few weeks ago, I tried out the lingerie I tucked away in my closet unused. My partners never seemed interested and he loved them. His approval and reaction to me in them made me feel so incredible. I Was sexy and confident. I felt desirable. That's what we're talking about. But I'm really interested in getting sexier, more interesting lingerie. I've been to a couple stores, but. But see a lot of similar things. I'm looking for something different. I'm also a very feminine person when it comes to delicates. I enjoy lace and silk, But I feel so small and childlike looking. Being 410 doesn't help. I just want to feel like a sexy woman. Do you have any suggestions where I might look or any advice on how to keep things interesting in the bedroom? Thanks, Tabitha.

Wow.

Yeah. That's an intense story, right, that she's going through all this right now.

Good for her. She's working at it.

Yep. Wow.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Well. And she said that this new partner, he's into it.

Yeah.

Interested in her. In the lingerie.

Right? In the lingerie. I mean, I think you just go around. I mean, I love bocce lingerie. I always talk about bocce. They just did a contest where they give away. It's really reasonable. It's bocce.com and they have a lot of stuff there that's sexy. But honestly, it's not about. I think you just have to go in. What makes you feel good. There's so many different things. What makes you feel sexy. It's not even just gonna be laundry. It could be costumes, dressing up, being playful. And I would you want to spice things up in the bedroom? I always think it's fun to play dress up. Obviously, you like feeling sexy. So is there any other costumes or things or fantasies that you don't get.

Stuck in any one place? You know, this is obviously a great trigger they have found. You know, it's right. We have Dr. Patty Britton sitting right here. She probably would have the best day.

I can't wait for Patty Britton to be on the show.

But I just would caution anyone to not get too stuck in one place. Either that it's great that the lingerie is opening the door, but keep it going, you know, great play with the lingerie.

That's how you keep it interesting.

Maybe go to costumes, you know, but then don't forget to also remember what's really pulling you together, which is being together, Looking into each other's eyes, touching each other, being sensual. Don't. Don't only focus on the lingerie. Like, okay, let lingerie open the door.

Exactly. Well, she said, how do we keep it more interesting in the bedroom? So I'd say again, like we started out saying, you know, communicate about what you need sexually. Yeah. Because again, she went through, she's been. Tabitha's been going through, you know, some insecurities with her body changing. And so I know, I understand that your partner is making you feel very desirable now, but you still have to feel it yourself even if your partner goes away. Tabitha, we want this feeling to stick with you, that you are beautiful woman, sexy inside and out. It's about you. And so keep working on, you know, help, you know, learning your own body, what makes you feel good, communicating with your partner. It sounds like you guys are on a really good track right now. And so just to, you know, to keep interesting, I'd say just keep communicating and. Yeah, mixing it up. You don't want it to be all.

You know what I would say also, she should be sure to look at this movie. I just watched it. It was that movie. What was it was it called? It's a one name movie. It was about the guy who was like the real playboy. Julian Moore was in it.

I'm so bad at movies. We were just talking about this today.

It just came out like about a year ago and it has a one. I wish I could remember.

Anderson, we need you for a movie. Yeah, he's a movie podcast.

Yeah, the one, the one that Julian Moore is in. And it's the young guy who's like the real Lothario. He's like, he goes to the disco, he picks up women all the time.

Huh?

Don Juan.

Don Juan.

Don Juan. Don John.

It's Don Jon.

Don. That's it, Don John. Thank you.

But it's. It's Scarlett Johansson.

Yeah, but it's also Julian Moore because that's the older woman that he gets involved with that teaches him.

Oh, yeah, I forgot all about her.

Yeah, because it's exactly what I'm talking about. It's that he had to learn. He was looking to really connect with a woman, but he had to learn that to really have great sex and connect with someone means to be together, to look into each other's eyes. Remember, that's who you're to touch each other. She should look at that movie, Don Jones.

That's great. That's great intimacy.

Watch that.

Because after we're a couple together, they stop looking at each other's eyes, they stop kissing. All that stuff goes away. And that stuff is all cornerstones too. Keeping the same alive.

You're absolutely right.

I know, I know. Well, okay, that's all we have time for. Thank you for being on the show. Kendi, this is great.

It's been wonderful.

I'm so happy to meet you and everyone just support all your work. So it's candidaroyale. That's R O Y a L L e dot com, right? And then the website for your movie. You want to go to the Facebook page?

Either go to my site. If they go to my website, it'll get them to everything While youe Were Gone the Untold Story of Candida Royale.

Okay, got it. Thank you. So great to have you on the show. And thank you everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackextwithemily.com.

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