https://www.listennotes.com/e/2213af49e9ed47febe216e107103ce17

You've all heard me say there should be a bottle of lube on every nightstand. I have dreamed of this moment for years, and now that vision is real. A bottle that's not just functional, but beautiful, something that reflects your worth. Enter Aria, a luxury silicone-based lubricant that's so much more than glide. It's about intimacy across every dimension. This isn't just lube, it's intentional intimacy bottled. Do you appreciate design? Because Aria's luxury glass bottle is gorgeous. And trust me, I've seen a lot of lubes. It's made to be displayed, not hidden. Because your pleasure, it It belongs front and center and beyond beauty. Aria redefines connection. Each box includes a curated intimacy card with four beautifully designed prompts based on the four intimacies, verbal, emotional, physical and spiritual. So whether you're deepening a relationship or starting something new, Aria makes intimacy intentional and beautiful. Head to AriaLuxLife.com/Emily and use code SWE20 for 20% off. That's A-R-I-A-L-U-X E-L-I-F-E.com slash Emily and use code SWE20. Let's be real, even with amazing chemistry, sometimes you just want that little extra spark. And that is why I've been loving High Love from Vaya. I've been telling you about them for a long time now. Oh, that's spelled V-I-I-A. It's a hemp-based gummy and that's all about heightening pleasure, enhancing intimacy, and helping you fully drop into the moment. I've used High Love so many times. I give it out at parties. I bring it everywhere because it's really just about feeling better in your body and also connecting with other people. I have to tell you, it delivers all the time. Whether I'm with a partner or just having a connected night with myself, I feel it in my body. You just feel open, I feel more relaxed. All those thoughts of the day just melt away. It's kind of like my senses just light up. I breathe deeper, I feel better, and everything just flows. So what's in it? Well, it's a beautiful blend of organic hemp and time tested aphrodisiac herbs like macaroot, damiana, horny goat weed. So originally it was a limited Valentine's Day release, but it was so popular they made it permanent. Everything's lab tested, made in the US, and shipped discreetly. No medical card needed. Just good vibes, great ingredients, and a whole new level of pleasure. If you're 21 and over, try Viia for 15% off and get a free gift with your first order. Just go to viia.co/emily. That's V-I-A-A.co/emily. And just use code EMILY for 15% off and a free gift. with your first order. That's viya.co/emily, use code EMILY. And just a reminder to everybody, just because you think about a previous partner, you know, either consciously in a dream, it does not mean you like missed them, or you made a mistake, or you should get back together with them. There's a lot of reasons why. I mean, first off, this is somebody that we love, they're a big part of our life. Maybe something happens in our life and it triggers memories of them, you know, or maybe it brings up emotions that you haven't felt since you were with them or experiences, again, doesn't mean you should run back to your ex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. What feeling are you chasing in bed? No, I'm not just talking about orgasm. I'm talking about an emotion, like feeling worshiped, praised, or unbelievably desirable. On the other hand, maybe it arouses you to feel degraded, objectified. even humiliated. Well, on today's show, I'm unpacking a kink that's getting a lot of attention lately on social media. Praise kink. It falls under the larger umbrella of core erotic desires, which we all have. I show you how to identify your core erotic desires and how to turn them into realities. I also get into your kinky questions, including when you adore your fiance, but fantasize about sex with your much kinkier ex. What now? And when your partner constantly gets hit on by other men, is it healthy to get turned on by it? All this and more in today's episode. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily or call my hotline 559-Talk-Sex or 559-825-5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and you can change your name or choose to remain anonymous. all good. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is @sexwithemily and be sure to check out my new articles, 10 Reasons why a Stroker Beats yout Hand Every Time and How to Last Longer and Build Stamina in Bed. Those are up on sexwithemily.com All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. [Speaking of the foreign] I've been seeing something trending, and that is Praise Kink. Now, this has been trending on Google searches and especially on TikTok for a while now, so I thought, why don't we get into it? Okay. Some of you might be wondering, well, what is that? And some of you might already know you have a praise Kink, and some of you might realize you have them by the end of this episode. It's all good. So I'm going to all of your questions about praise kinks, other kinks that have been trending recently, as well as how they all connect to your core erotic desires, which is a really juicy topic that I'm going to get into shortly. So first off, what is a praise kink? Now, as a refresher, some of you remember that a kink is anything outside of conventional sex, which doesn't have an exact definition, but for many, it's basically this. penetrative, missionary style sex, orgasming, or just one of you does, let's be honest. And you both roll over and fall asleep. For this purpose, conventional sex is basically, well, just basic. So I want to remind you that most of us are really a little kinky. And let's celebrate that. Now, if you have a praised Kink, that likely means that you get turned on, aroused, or pleasure. from receiving praise. Now, this can be verbal compliments, words of encouragement, or any suggestions of approval from a partner. So if you find yourself getting sexually turned on by praise, well, you might have a praise kink. And yes, we all like to receive compliments. In fact, I can't think of people who don't like to receive compliments. Although there are those people that you give a compliment and they seem very shy or embarrassed and they give it right back to you. But that doesn't mean they don't like it, that there isn't some deep level what feels good to get a compliment. But what we're talking about today is building sexual tension, like compliments that you get and you just feel it in your loins. Right? But these kind of compliments, they not only boost our confidence, but they make us feel seen by our partner. I might even argue that exchanging compliments between you and your partner is one of the baseline requirements for a healthy relationship. And I just want to say this, if you know that about yourself, I mean, maybe words of affirmation is your love language. and you require that, I want you to know that it's okay to request from your partner that you receive more affirmations and positive feedback and just compliments. I don't think that we should be walking around like, does my partner think I'm hot? Do they like me? Do they think I'm smart? And to me, I'm going to go on a limb and say that doesn't feel like a very healthy relationship if you're not getting your needs met. And it's also okay to ask for it. I'm reflecting here on a relationship I was in many years ago where my partner would hand out these compliments to me very sparringly, like not enough to the point where I'd be like, can you just tell me I'm hot? Can you just, I know I look good right now. Like don't you love my haircut or my shoes or my outfit? Because let's be honest, we take a lot of time sometimes putting ourselves together. And he would tease me and say, oh, you need a little affirmation nugget. You know, like Pavlovian dog, like give me a nugget, give me a nugget. And then yes, I did. And I did not mind asking for it. So, and then he would give me more of it. But it just still felt like, you know, we had other problems in our relationship, don't get me wrong. But it's reminding me that like, I asked for it. I got it. He wasn't as comfortable giving it. Now, I talked to him about it a lot, and some people, you might relate to this, but compliments can be used as like weapons or bargaining tools in a relationship. And I think where he came from, I've heard this from you as well. Well, if I give you a compliment, it's going to go to your head. Or if I give you too many compliments, you're just going to feel like, you know, you're this amazing thing. Or it also, some people think if they give compliments, it makes them weaker. Like if I compliment my partner too much, they're going to have the power. I just want to say if that is your belief, I would take a moment and think about, is that true? Where'd you get that information from? Would you like to check that with your partner? Because I think withholding compliments on the basis of it's going to give away your power, give someone else too much power, isn't always that healthy. Okay. So just check that in your relationship. But what we're talking about here again is praise Kinks. And not all of us have a sexual response to receiving positive feedback. I'm just talking Baseline in a relationship. I think it's very healthy to genuinely specifically and effectively praise your partner. Now, although anyone can have a praised kink, including those who like to dominate in the bedroom, this kink is typically more aligned with people who like to lean into their submissive sexual energy. For example, being told good girl or good boy during sex is also a hot way to intensify power play. So the dominant partner can use praise to control their submissive partner and give them directions, or for example, Do this sexual act, like, get on your knees, and then I'll tell you, like, good girl, you're a good girl, or go fetch me my vibrator. All right, good boy, good boy. So that's what we're talking about. But priest cakes don't have to be associated with power play either. They can be stirred by general praises like, oh, that feels so good, babe, you're amazing, or I love the way you taste. You're amazing. I can't get enough of you. You know, you look so hot. I love the way your body looks. and this praise also can be nonverbal, like caressing their cheek, twirling their hair, looking deep into their eyes in admiration. You get it. So much of what we, we say and we communicate is nonverbal anyway. And I have to say, knowing and accepting that you have a praised kink or that you actually require praise during sex can be incredibly powerful if you struggle with body image issues in and out of the bedroom. you know, how reassuring to hear your partner say, babe, you look so hot. I'm obsessed with your body, especially if you don't feel so great about your body. And I have to say that I, in reflecting on this, you know, I hear from so many of you, and we definitely cover this in my book, smart sex, if you haven't grabbed a copy yet. But one of the pillars of sexual intelligence is self-acceptance and self-acceptance is all about confidence. And I give a lot of tips in the book for how to build our confidence in the bedroom and otherwise, but when reflecting on Praise Kink, I really think this helps with body confidence. In fact, my current partner is always telling me how hot I look in the bedroom and he loves me to dress up in certain things that, you know, I know that I find hot and he finds hot and it's constant. And I don't feel like in any way it's not genuine and it does help me. I don't think about my body when I'm with him. I don't think about body image because I do feel so accepted by him. And so I would just think that for many of us, whether or not you want to define it as a Praise Kink, it really doesn't matter if you ever use the term Praise kink, but just think for yourself, would it help you feel more present and actually feel more pleasure as well in the bedroom if your partner gave you compliments about your body every time you have sex? Because I'm hard-pressed to think of a time when I don't get it. Now, it's not every single moment, but just knowing that my partner genuinely finds me desirable, unattractive, and hot I really don't have time or a place to go to, well, is that really true? Or hasn't he seen my thighs lately? Or, you know, so I just think that there's a lot to this, you know, we're calling it praise kink, but to really getting general admiration and affection for your partner to help you if you are feeling more insecure and less confident in the bedroom. And if so, this is your invitation to let your partner know how good it would feel to know what they find sexy, hot, and attractive about you, and also to give it back to them. right? Goes both ways. And I always tell my partner how hot he is and how sexy I think he is because I genuinely do. I genuinely feel when I see him, like we're at a party, I'm like, you're so hot. Like, I tell him that all the time because I, I'm struck by it. So if you find yourself holding your tongue or kind of dosing out compliments, you know, maybe just go crazy and, like, OD on them. It goes both ways, and it can feel really, really good. Let's get into something else here that's sort of the umbrella term that includes praise, Kink. But this is your core. erotic desires. Okay, so using the example of praise kink, though, let's talk about why it might be giving you a sexual charge. Now, we've already agreed we can all like getting compliments in bed, but each of us also possesses core erotic desires, something that I really get into in Smart Sex. And this is under the self-knowledge pillar of sexual intelligence, core erotic desires. help you understand why you have sex, what's your motivation, what's going to get you there, what's going to turn you on, aside from just having an orgasm. So what are they? These are the specific feelings you want to experience during sex, and you don't necessarily choose them. What I'm talking about here are core rock desires that stem from your lived experience. Maybe it was moments in your childhood. Without getting too deep into the psychology now, and you can find more of this in my book and in other shows, but just know this. Perhaps at some point in your childhood, something good or bad triggered a sexual response. And then that experience laid the foundation for the specific feeling that we require to be sexually present. Let me give you an example. So maybe you felt in your home that you didn't often receive enough, enough affirmations from your caregivers or from people around you. And, but maybe there was a time when you're, in, when you were younger, where you maybe were going through puberty. Because, again, a lot of these things get locked in when we're just starting to feel like we're sexual beings. At a moment of feeling aroused, something happened, or you thought of something where you were being praised for something, and it kind of got locked in your brain. Maybe it was something that you were missing, that it was lacking for you. So it got locked in that when I do, feel celebrated and affirmed. It also turns me on. So it gets linked up with your core desires. Now, other core desires could be some negative things. Maybe you were humiliated in some way. Maybe somebody was really critical of you, but at that same time, you were also were in a erotic mindset, and then that would also get linked in. Or maybe you were humiliated at home, but it somehow got connected to your fantasies. and what I want to say is it's all okay. It's different for everybody, but I just love to give you a little bit more tools so you can understand more of who you are as a sexual being. Be less like, I guess, weary of your turn ons and lean into them more so you can use them as a fuel to help you have more pleasurable sex and to understand what is required for you to be present, aroused and turned on in the bedroom. So we covered Praise Kink. So maybe you want to feel worshiped in bed, like the other person cannot believe they get to have sex with you. Like it's a true honor to be in your bed. And maybe you want to feel special, like you're the only person who can inspire these feelings. And let me just say, side note about the word special, I just had a flash to when I was in therapy. I remember like in my, in my late 20s, a therapist said to me, God, it seems like everything you do, Emily, you want to feel special. You want to feel like you're, you do something different than others. You want to stand above the crowd. and at the time I was like, is that true? And why would I want that? And I of course had judgment around it, like it was somehow, you know, not right. But I found in my, in the years that actually it's really common for a lot of us to want to feel special. And here are some theories why. Maybe you had a bunch of siblings and you didn't get the attention that you thought you needed, or maybe one sibling got it more than you. Maybe you were overlooked in the classroom and you never felt like you stood out. Right. And it was really important for you to feel like you were an individual and you were doing something special. Right. So again, that could also translate into the bedroom. And I think feeling special is a common desire. Okay. And it might link into our core erotic desires. But another thing is you could have the opposite of a praised kink and get turned on by the feelings of humiliation. Now, people with humiliation kinks might be turned on by cuckolding, and that is watching your partner have sex with somebody else or being just tucked down to by your partner. Maybe you're turned on by being called something like pejorative, like you're a slut, you're a whore, you're dumb, you're an idiot, you make bad decisions, or, you know, that could be it. Or maybe you want to feel naughty or transgressive, like you're getting away with something. And this is the person who might like to have sex in public places. Like they get a charge out of the feeling they could get caught at any moment. And then that's the fuel that turns them on. maybe you want to feel taken or ravished, like someone else is in control over your body. You know, it could also look more extreme, like CNC or consensual non-consent sex, which is a form of role play where you're simulating for sex. Okay, but before you're thinking, like, wait, like, who would want to feel this way? Why would you want to feel like you're forced into sex? Or why would you want to feel, you know, like you are, you know, slut in bed. I don't understand it. But just know this, until you really understand your core desire, I believe it's going to limit your sexual satisfaction because then you'll be wanting something you can't quite have. It's like a sexual thirst you can't quench. And the reason why you might not have actualized this yet is because you might have a judgment around it. Oh, I don't want to go there to my transgressive kink or gosh, I just feel really bad. I'm a feminist and I I've worked so hard to be seen as equal, and now I want to be called a slut. I'm very confused by it. Well, listen, what happens in the bedroom does not happen in the boardroom. What happens in the bedroom is about you feeling and knowing that you deserve to be sexually pleased and satisfied in a consensual way, however you see fit with a healthy partner. So how do we actualize praise cake and our core erotic desires? So now that you know about these and where they come from, how do you turn these fantasies into reality? Well, the first place to start is actually your fantasies. So by mining the contents of your fantasy life, you can start to pick up on themes, and these are going to give you clues about the way you want to feel in a sexual context. Now, fantasies don't always have to be super extreme either. Like, here's a G-rated example. If you fantasize about your partner surprising you with an elaborate date where they've planned everything, they've got the tickets, they've bought you a new dress, a new outfit, they told you what to wear. They made the dinner reservation. Well, maybe you've got a core erotic desire around being nurtured. I mean, there's nothing more that I love. My partner's like, sushi reservation at eight o'clock, I'll pick you up. I'm like, great, you made a plan. You know, I love sushi. You're gonna drive things that I love. On the other hand, maybe you do fantasize about more overtly sexual scenarios. So here's a little bit more rated example. if you fantasize about pinning someone down, about someone begging to have sex with you, about teasing them, well, maybe you have a core desire around being powerful, that powerful being in charge is really hot for you. So that's the first step. Just take note of your fantasies. Like, is there a similar theme to them? Is there just one fantasy that keeps coming up and then look for emotional themes. Next, just bring them up to your partner with a simple question. And this is definitely in the communication is lubrication territory. Tell them this, Hey, I'd love to share some of my fantasies with you and see where it leads, you know, see where it gets us in the bedroom. I'd also love to hear some of yours. Would you be open to that? Now, if that feels too vulnerable, you can always lean on my yes, no, maybe guide to get the conversation going and simply break the ice around new sex ideas. If you don't know about the Ask no maybe guide, it's a free downloadable guide on our website. Just another way to help you communicate more effectively with your partner and get your needs met. That's what we want, right? Okay. Then you can start introducing elements of your fantasy life into your real life little by little. Remember, this is collaboration and it is self-knowledge. These are the pillars of smart sex. So if you've read Smart Sex, you're reading it, you know what I'm talking about. So to collaborate well with your partner on getting your needs met, you first need to know what to ask for. So let's go back to the person who wants to be nurtured. Well, that's their core erotic desire. This could simply look like this. Hey, babe, it turns me on so much when you plan an entire date night for us. And all I have to do is know the day and the time. Could we put that on the calendar for this month? Of course, it's also gracious and kind to follow up with, and how can I turn you on this month? Is there something you've been fantasizing about that I can do for you? I want to reinforce that like we plan every other area of our life, right? We plan our workouts, we plan our doctor's appointments, we plan times with the family. I'm asking you to think about your sex life. When I say prioritize your pleasure, this is what I'm talking about. like asking for what you want and literally planning it and putting it in the calendar and making it a collaboration so it's not just about your needs, but you make sure that your partner's needs are getting met as well. Okay, so let's go back to that person who wants to feel powerful in bed. The move here is not to spring restraints, ball gags, blindfolds on them all at once. Like we don't need to go like full 50 shades here with a dungeon. Rather, you could tell them something like, Hey, the thought of tying you up turns me on so much. So next time we have sex, would it be okay if I tied your wrist together over your head? Would that be hot for you? Like, what are your thoughts? And remember, it's open-ended you're not declaring, like, I will tie you up next time. I mean, maybe once you guys get into that, but at the beginning, it's open. Your tone is compassionate, curious. You're sharing what you want. You're asking what they want, right? and you're getting consent here. You're like saying, is that okay if this happens? And you're also collaborating. Pillar three. And this is how you bring someone into your fantasy on a practical level. And once you start getting hits of your core desires, and ideally once your partner starts seeing how much it turns you on, you can build from there to deepen your play, guided by your fantasies and your core erotic desires. Don't go away, good boys and good girls. When we're back, I'm answering your kinky questions. this is from Seth34 in Washington. Hey, Dr. Emily, I didn't learn until my late 20s that I had any interest in kinky sex. I especially didn't understand how anyone got off on using or degrading their partner. It all clicked for me when my girlfriend at the time shared that this was her kink. It took almost six months of dating before she finally felt enough courage to open up about it. It turned out she loved it when I used her like an object that was just there to satisfy my lust. As part of it, she got off on being called a slut or whore and occasionally for things to get rough while in the act. At times we even experimented successfully with some CNC scenes, that's consensual non-consent. The biggest surprise for me was that it quenched a thirst I didn't know I personally had. I don't know if it was the pleasure I got from satisfying her kink or that the kink just so happened to resonate with me. Probably a bit of both. And I also found it hot that she knew exactly what she wanted. The relationship didn't work out. We broke up after less than two years of being together. Well, currently, I'm engaged to my partner, and it's the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The sex is spectacular. My fiance is very open-minded about accepting and participating in my kinks, even though she doesn't identify as kinky herself. I've truly gotten to live out some of my wildest fantasies with her. Even though my current partner is happy to indulge my kinkiness, I find my mind wandering back to those times with my ex. At times, I start feeling like there's an itch that I can't scratch because my fiance isn't getting the level of gratification out of it that I like. I know it's normal to reminisce on past sexual experiences, but I find myself wishing I could experience that feeling again. And I'm not sure what to do with that. Thanks for your help. All right. Thank you, Seth, for your question and for sharing your story. You didn't realize your kink until your late twenties. And also, I just want to say that I love that you've been able to explore your kinky side with at least two partners, you know, your ex and your fiance. And I also want to acknowledge that it is completely normal for our minds to wander back to partners from our past. I mean, it's way more normal than we talk about. And I think that we often feel guilt and shame around it. So it's totally okay for us to play back things, to think about our ex. And I think the more we fight it and feel bad about it, the less we can actually learn from it and actually use it as, you know, tools to fuel our fantasies. And just reminder to everybody, just because you think about a previous partner, either consciously in a dream, It does not mean you like missed them or you made a mistake or you should get back together with them. There's a lot of reasons why. I mean, first off, this is somebody that we love. They're a big part of our life. Maybe something happens in our life and it triggers memories of them, you know, or maybe it brings up emotions that you haven't felt since you were with them or experiences. Again, doesn't mean you should run back to your ex, right? So especially if this ex had a strong impact on your life, I mean, she was the one who made you unlock your kinky side. So you had this bond together. that's a strong impact. But I want to say this. This is what stuck out for me, really. Even though your fiance doesn't identify as kinky herself, she is very open to playing with your kinks and exploring sexually. So I would say that she's kinkier than she thinks. But here's the thing that I want to remind you. You weren't even aware of this particular Kink you had until your last partner, your ex, was open to it. And then you realize that you actually got off. because she was getting off, like you were able to fulfill her fantasy. So what I'm seeing here for you is a wonderful opportunity for you and your fiance to take some time to uncover what her core erotic desires may be. She might not have taken time yet to uncover them. So I know when she does uncover them and then you get to fulfill them, you're going to be able to feel that same level of satisfaction satisfaction from satisfying a need that she has. So what I'm saying here is it's not so specifically about the degradation kink that you had with her. It was more about the fact that you deeply felt you were able to satisfy her needs. To help your partner uncover her core erotic desires, you could ask her, like, what she fantasizes about. When does she feel the most seen? What does she think about when she's masturbating? What scenes did she use to Daydream about as a teenager or a young adult? what's the most memorable time she's ever had sex with you? What was happening in that moment? I think that you're going to find out a lot here. And even if it doesn't align to maybe your core erotic desire, you still might find some extremely satisfying sessions and feel very satisfied gratifying your partner. So I hope this helps, Seth. Just keep playing, keep exploring, keep talking. And I truly wish you both a long and sexually satisfying life together. That's what I want for you. That's what I want for all of you. this is from Tiffany 34 in Kansas. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been listening to you for a couple years now, and you've changed my sex life and honestly, to some extent, my marriage. So thank you. Thank you, Tiffany. I'm so glad you've been listening. I've helped you. I love hearing that. This is why I do what I do. Thanks, Tiffany. Okay. With this being said, my husband and I got into some of my fantasy acts a while back, and it was awesome. So it went like this. I tied him up face up. and that way everything was available. It was truly so freaking hot. Well, a couple nights later, he thought it'd be fun to tie me up. Honestly, I'm usually the go-getter so I was super excited that he wanted to do it to me. Well, first off, he tied me up with my face down, knees on the bed and butt in the air. It was so uncomfortable, but I thought, oh, I can get over it. But then my heart started racing and I tried to keep my mind on fun we were having, but I just couldn't. Anyhow, I started taking on air internally due to the position and queefed. He said it was okay that I freaking queefed in his face, but I was mortified. I made him untie me and we did end up finishing, but ever since then, I can't seem to open up again. We have not done kinky stuff since and I can't figure out why my brain won't let me. We've been married for 12 years. We were starting to have fun sex again and I feel like I've ruined the crazy fun. We still have good sex, but man, I wish we could be freaky and role play again. Please help. All right, Tiffany, I got you. Thank you for your question. Listen, many people find queefing or farting or any kinds of noise during sex embarrassing, but I promise you, queefing is nothing to worry about. Remember, sex is messy. We literally have a blog on our site called How to Make a Mess because it's sex is all okay. In fact, I want to normalize it that sex is not this perfectly choreographed and silent, like in the movies. Like, that's just not the case. Things happen right during sex. And I get that trying something new is intimidating already and you want it to go perfectly. But listen, the best kind of sex should be fun and funny with a partner that you trust and you're comfortable with. And this is your partner of 12 years. Being able to laugh together in the bedroom is so important. I'll give a real time example. So my partner and I, we were all set to, we had this really fun night out and we were all set to play. We had toys out and I put something on that was sexy, but I had a terrible migraine. And I was like, okay, Emily, you should go through this. You guys have had sex in a while. He lit the candles and everything was going. And then when we started, I kept going, Ouch, ouch. And he was like, ouch. I'm like, sorry, babe. I just, my head hurts. and he's like, well, that's really not hot. And he was totally, totally fine with it. And then we started laughing and it was really funny. And I was like, can we just, like, take a rain check on this? And then it actually became funny. He's like, well, you look really hot. Can I just take a picture of you? What you're wearing right now? I'm like, totally. So he took a picture. It was fun. I lied there. I fell asleep. I felt like I should have powered through, but I was freaking exhausted, and I did not feel hot at all having a migraine because I never get headaches, but I got in that moment and it was funny and we laugh about it. And then the next time we got together, we got to play in the same way we wanted to. But again, this is with my trusted partner. He's not going to leave me, he's not going to be mad at me because I got a headache and an inopportune time, even though we've been playing up towards this night for a really long time. So let's just normalize that, can we? And let's go back to the queue for a minute. First of all, let's just normalize that sex doesn't go the way we plan. You know, sometimes we got to like disappoint our partners, which is disappointing to ourselves. And I think we have this notion that if sex stops, I actually talk about this in my book, that I used to think that if I stopped sex in the middle, that I was somehow breaking this secret covenant and it would mean that my partner would break up with me or it just wasn't okay or I don't know. But the truth is, if we're feeling pain and we're not into it, when it comes to positions, get a glass of water, go to the bathroom, or end it for the night, it's all okay with a trusting loving consensual partner. All right, so I'm curious about why your mind started racing before the queef. Now, perhaps being tied down in that position was less pleasurable for you than you imagined, and that's completely fine. You know, you never know until you try something new. And I love that your go-getter attitude made you out to open up to try this new experience and see for yourself whether you liked it or not. And it seems like regardless of the queef, maybe this position wasn't for you. You know, maybe being dominated or restraint doesn't satisfy your core erotic desire. So maybe if you can figure out what your core erotic desire is, this might help fuel the fire for you to bring the kink back into your relationship since you kind of put it on hiatus since Queefgate. Now, if we are on the phone now, we could go back and forth to try to figure out what that might be. But think for yourself, what truly fantasize about. Now, I think we often compare ourselves to people. Maybe we think that our fantasies aren't crazy or wild enough and however wild our fantasies are determines how good or fun we are in bed. But listen, if you have a more like romantic fantasy and you fantasize about walking in the door and your partner like whisks you away with a slow kiss, the crest of your cheek, a home cooked dinner, like draws you a bath, that's a perfectly hot fantasy as well. I encourage you tap in to what your core rock desires really may be. and to have your partner do this as well and continue to be open to try new things. Right? Remember, you guys, our core Rock desires, our fantasies, what we want in bed can change over time. They might look different today than they looked yesterday or 10 years ago, you know? And please don't let something like a little queef or fart ruin the moment. The best sex, in my opinion, is messy and noisy and fun. All right, this is from Aiden 40 in the United Kingdom. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've only just started listening to your podcast, but it's really encouraged me to open up about my thoughts. I love that. I wanted to reach out to you because I'm not sure my fantasy is healthy, and I have been having this fantasy for at least nine years. When I first got with my partner, we had an evening where we were both drunk, and she opened up to me about banging a load of guys one after another a few months before we got together. You know, she basically had one at each end. She said she enjoyed it, but was a little embarrassed about not knowing how many different guys she had had sex with. Her two girlfriends even teased me about it at some point. She also had sex with a guy the week before we met. This guy basically came up to me in a bar and told me how good her oral skills were. Another guy I heard bragging to his friends about having anal sex with her. At first, this was really overwhelming. I mean, I felt really self-conscious about her sex. sex being way more Wilder than mine. I was also worried about my penis size compared to all these guys. After a while, I began to fantasize about her with these guys. Fast forward a few more years. We introduced a dildo into the bedroom, and I found that she had no problem taking me in her mouth and a dildo that's much larger than my penis inside her. I realized I was getting off on seeing her so aroused by a larger member. I was so happy for her and turned on at the same time. When we have sex, I'm basically fantasizing about other guys pleasuring her. I even lick her clit when the dildo is inside of her. My question is, am I humiliating myself and is it healthy? We don't really talk openly about stuff, but we both know that I enjoy seeing her go out with a sexy low-cut outfit on. She's got big boobs and we both know that she'll get attention in bars. is it healthy to be turned on by this? Oh, Aiden, thank you so much for this question. And thank you to anyone who submitted a question like this, because honestly, we get this one a lot. Okay? So many of you want to know whether your fantasies are healthy or not. This particular fantasy of thinking about your partner's past experiences or imagining that with someone else is incredibly common. Now, this fantasy can remain in your head. or become a reality in the case like cuckolding where you are watching your partner have sex with someone else. Now, in many cases, this fantasy does tap into a core erotic desire to be humiliated. But the truth is, many of you write in and tell me that your fantasy stems from a desire to see your partner be incredibly pleasured, which is a theme here today, which I love that. Like, I believe we all want to see our partner pleasured, right? And so maybe just knowing that she was so pleasured, you know, makes you feel really good that she's had these experiences. But either way, this fantasy is totally normal and healthy. And like all fantasies, there are the ones that we keep to ourselves and the ones you decide to share with a partner. Now, there is zero pressure to share this fantasy with your partner, but I feel like your partner might be one who would be open to it and it could really expand the connection that you already have. Might even expand a whole new realm of play if you do open up to her about it. you know, maybe you guys could engage in dirty talk or role play while you're playing with a dildo. That's really hot for a lot of couples to kind of actually say out loud, like right now, baby, I'm picturing you. There's a guy entering you from behind or licking your clit or you're making out with a guy. There's three of them. I mean, that just kind of brings it to life. Right now, she could also participate in your fantasy by talking about how hot this imaginary stranger is in bed with the two of you. This is really common and works for many couples. and if people are openly coming up to you and talking about her, you know, I hope she's aware of this. I'm sure she is. It might be reassuring to let her know that these comments don't make you feel insecure, and in fact, they turn you on. And maybe you could tap into these while you're out in public, almost like an even hotter game of sexy stranger, where you're in a bar and maybe you see her across the room getting attention from other people. Then you can approach her and act as if you're meeting for the very first time. I mean, This is all hot ways to expand your fantasy and to play with it with your partner rather than keeping it to yourself. So I love the idea of letting her know that this is your fantasy. And again, when we share things with our partners, you don't have to come out and say like, every time we have sex, I'm fantasizing about all these guys. You get to say, you know what, babe? Let's talk about our fantasies. Like open it up that way and say, do you ever fantasize about anything? Because I got to tell you, I love thinking about you with other men. I find it so hot. thinking about you writhing in ecstasy and all these stories, they actually turned me on. Would you be down with talking about it more in the bedroom? That's how you do it. See what happens. So please, I just want you to have fun. Don't feel shameful. That is one of our nasty pleasure thieves that I talk about in the book because this is a fantasy that's completely healthy as long as it brings you joy and pleasure and it's consensual. Thanks everyone for tuning in. Get kinky, tap Inward and explore. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to sex with Emily. And be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Tick Tock, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at sex with Emily. Oh, and I'm told I give really good email so sign up on sexwithemily.com and while you're there check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure and if you'd like to ask me about your sex life dating or relationships call my hotline 559 talk sex that's 559-825-5739 or just go to sexwithemily.com ask Emily was it good for you email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.