https://www.listennotes.com/e/4bfb490adf93407dbbcc74c2b7e85237

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I mean, if it's got attachments to it. Hell yeah.

No, but this kind of makes me feel like, I know, it's really, really sad.

It bums me out hearing that.

I know, it's a chore. And yeah.

Have you ever felt that way?

Honestly, I have felt like it was my duty. Duty sex is a big one. You know, you hear these stories, I've heard these stories from friends, and maybe this little bit old school or from like grandmother, my mom's friends were like, oh, you know, like they would say, happy wife, happy life. And then these women are like, duty sex, like just give them a blowjob once a week, make them happy. Or like, you just do it to keep them happy. And so I just feel like that is a lot of women's attitude because, and I believe it's multi-layered. First off, again, we've covered for a lot of women sex never felt great in the first place because they didn't really know what to ask for. Men are as familiar with women's anatomy. A lot of us are just performative. And if it doesn't feel good, why would you want to keep doing it? At least with exercise, you're like, I know this might suck, but afterwards I'll have endorphins. I'll have a, I'll have a dopamine. But if you're not having orgasms or pleasure and it feels like a duty, you just feel worse after. Have I felt that? Yeah, I've been in a relationship where He wanted sex, not only all the time, but that's fine, but it was always a time today where I was just tired, not ready. And that's why I talk about sex IQ is like actually knowing when I had to be aroused and turned on. So I would say to him, like, it's not gonna happen on a Monday night after 11. If I'm already in bed, I'm done with work. Like, I know that like a morning might be better for me or after I've worked out, I feel much more in my body or if we go dancing or we have a great conversation. sex is less likely to feel like a chore. I'll feel more desire then. But then the actual act, like some people might know that I have a glass of wine, I feel better. But when the actual act happens and you just feel like my partner never goes down on me, nothing about this is pleasurable. I'm just doing it so my partner won't sleep with someone else. That's all the ways it feels like a chore. And in most relationships, there is a desire discrepancy. There's always someone with a higher libido and a lower libido in every rela- let's just like normalize that right now. that somebody's going to want it more, somebody's going to want it less, you're going to have to negotiate that and figure out what that looks like. And it's totally doable, but most couples just sort of either feel bad that they're the high, I know a lot of people are like, I want it all the time. I feel guilt and the ones who don't want it feel guilt. So just saying, it's okay, let's just figure out when it is right for you, when the turn-ons can happen, what you can do to make it feel.

Less like a chore and more like pleasure. I really appreciated you talking about exercise because I think for, I don't know, at least me and probably a bunch of us, exercise does feel like a chore. I'm like, all right, I gotta put in my calendar, I gotta do this. I know it has benefits and I do feel better afterwards.

Always, right?

Especially if it's interesting about timing, especially if it's in the morning.

Yeah.

Especially if I work out in the morning. In the afternoon, I don't feel as great. As great. There's something about when you said that and compared it to sex, I was like, okay, I have things in my life that feel like a chore. And what are the ways that I make it work? What are the ways that I make it more interesting? I find that when I work out with someone, I get more pleasure from the chore of exercise.

Right, because you also get a companionship. You're also getting connection. It's not just about you pumping the air.

And so, like, how do, how would you imagine if someone's feeling or you felt like duty or chore in relation to sex, like, how do we start to, well, first of all, what's the opposite of chore?

I mean, opposite of chores, like pleasure, release, excitement, joy, activities.

Do you mean like spontaneity?

Spontaneity.

Yeah.

Do you know the things that couples Relaxation, happiness, peace, fun. You know, the opposite of it is like something that you look forward to, I suppose, that you know is like nourishing, that's nourishing for your soul. So when I was in that, I've learned that like these are the requirements for me to be aroused and ready for sex. And I would very clearly explain those to my partner. I would say what didn't work, like it doesn't work when you're drunk and come home at two in the morning. No, it's not that. And I'm sleeping. Like, no, no, fuck it. It doesn't work when I'm already in bed and I'm tired. Usually I'm not gonna get going again. When it does work is when I've gotten my nervous system calm, I've done what I need to do that day, like I worked out, I took a bath, I put my favorite lotion on, I wore something that made me feel sexy. I really like intentionally prepared myself for what I know is a requirement for me to feel better about sex. I had to learn that we all have this self knowledge. You learned you want to have a companion and do it in the morning for working out. For working out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I know- Also for sex. And for sex. But I'm like, yeah, you morning anal, which, well, but I've learned that I have to work out in the morning too. If I wait till night, it doesn't often happen unless it's yoga. But with sex, it's like, okay, so a few things. There's the knowing what elements have to come into place for me to feel desire and for me to feel connected. So like working out and being eaten well. But there's also the like resentment, like if I'm holding onto resentments, I haven't had a great conversation with my partner a month. It's really been bothering me since last night you did this thing. I can't have sex with you now in good faith just to let it go. I still need to have that conversation with you, do some repair from this little rupture, and then I might feel more aroused. So a lot of times there's the resentments that build up and they just kind of block your desire. It really was a case by case basis. But another thing that really helps is the variety, the spontaneity, the newness. This is what we crave so much in long term relationships because it just be like, okay, should we roll over? Should we do it? Should we get it over with? But like doing this stuff like sensory touch, lighting a candle, giving each other massages, learning a new skill together, even saying, we're going to take a pottery class once a month. And we were both beginners. Even that can spark the same kind of dopamine and connection that couples feel like. Yeah. Oh, we're connected. Let's go home now and have sex because we're in a creative mindset. Yeah. Because creative energy and sexual energy come from the same place. So the newness could be we tried something new. Even if it was a new restaurant in our town or it was a new, you know, walk through our town that we haven't done before. We saw new music or like, I think the beginner's mind really can help us feel that more like fertile ground for really wanting some sexy time.

Yeah. Does where does like, Chore like where it feels like a chore and boredom around sex. Where do they overlap?

I think that there's a heavy overlap. I think that sex feels like a chore when one, maybe it's just become really boring. You're like, it's so boring. I know exactly what's going to happen here. You're going to take off my clothes. You're going to go down on me. If I'm lucky for 3.2 seconds, then you're going to stick your dick inside me. Then we're going to have sex. You're going to hump away like a jackhammer. It's going to be over. We're going to order dinner. like that's when it's boring and there's no arousal. But there's also the part where it's like, and on top of that, when that happens, I'm also not having the pleasure I need. I didn't get kissed on the nape of my neck. You didn't really slow it down. We my toys weren't charged. The sheets weren't clean. Like there's all these other things that could go into that. But I think into making it less boring because again, I'm going to say in most relationships it gets rote, it gets routine. Okay. And I think that's because like, you know, with health and what, like your workout routine, you know that you have to, what is it? Like cross train or you have to mix it up. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's it called?

So your muscles don't atrophy to like- you- gotta switch it on up. Switch it up. But with sex, if you're doing literally like two positions every single time, it's not that interesting anymore. And it's something that's supposed to give us this great release of this great connection. But when you add just a little bit of something, something variety to the mix, it could make a huge world of difference. It could be a little tiny change, a little bit of sliver of variety, and it could make you feel more connected, less like a chore.

Just like one little nail scratch or something different sensorially.

Yes, sensorially. Like lighting a new massage candle, using a new lube, using a new toy, makes it exciting. And the build up, like another thing that's missing, if there's no build up towards the sex, like you haven't really talked about it, or like I love when couples schedule sex. If they found out that like a Saturday night is perfect because they've got a babysitter, the house is empty, their nervous systems are more relaxed, they could start saying like, what should we do Saturday night? Well, we got that new toy or we got those new little bondage tape thing we could play with, or I want to see you in that hot little panties. I want to see in your knee-high boots, Scott. Like then you both are like preparing for this erotic night. Yeah. And I think that we just, like we would do that for a date night. We would do that for a meal. We'd plan the meal, we'd plan the vacation, we'd plan the, even date night, we're gonna get dinner first, then we're gonna go to a movie. But with sex, it's like, let's just, hopefully it's gonna be interesting, but it's.

Not- Or let's just get it over.

With so we can do the other stuff. Right.

Yeah.

Because again, it wasn't pleasurable when it becomes checking a box and doing duty. That is a disconnect from our pleasure. But it just becomes this thing because we are not intentional about our sex because of the shame, because of the stress around it, because we're afraid to tell our partner. I know for a lot of us, we don't wanna tell our partner 'cause we don't wanna bust their egos. We don't wanna make 'em feel bad. Or for many of us, we don't even really know what we want.

We don't even know that we can mix it up. I mean, it's also interesting of like, you know, like when I'm feeling, or I know when you're feeling like overworked. Right? And that work-life balance gets way off kilter. Like in those moments, I'm like, I feel guilty about sex because I should be working.

Right. The toxic productivity culture.

Toxic fucking productivity.

You can take time off for work.

Yeah.

If you take time off for work to have sex, it's not okay.

Even though I'm more productive at work after, if you know what I mean.

After a little release.

But seriously, it's like I have these moments of like, well, I should just be getting those emails done and like, if I can get those emails done, then I'll feel better. It's like going to the gym. It's not unsimilar. It's like, you know, it's we get out of the things that make us could potentially feel better because we're putting like we're prioritizing something that stressful in our life and trying to relieve that stress as opposed to finding other alternatives.

Exactly. Finding that there's little drops of pleasure. That's why always my mission statement is to get people to prioritize their pleasure.

Yeah.

Really means, and I'm not even just talking about sex. What are you doing in your life this week? Right now, if you look at your calendar, what are you doing that's just for you? Are you making dinner? Are you going out with friends? Are you walking in nature? Are you getting a massage? Are you taking a class? What are you doing that might be pleasurable for you? And if we just leave, here's the other problem with sex. Oh, sex is supposed to be pleasurable. It's supposed to be fun. But if our body has not been doing anything pleasurable are we? Why should I be able to be in my pleasure space the second you want sex or we want sex? So there's a priming for pleasure throughout the week.

I love that. I love that. That little droplets of pleasure throughout the week.

Yeah.

Like just creates more pleasure when you do have things like, and I would say when you do take time off from those emails or work or babies like attending to your kids or whomever or whatever. to actually enjoy yourself.

Minds work because when you plant those seeds of feel-good actions throughout the week, it's gonna allow your body to be totally primed and ready.

I really, really love this because I also think that it's so easy to interpret this sense of boredom or to the fact that an issue between the couple, right? As opposed to more of a maybe a cultural issue around dipping into pleasure throughout the week. and that just allows for that sacred space of sexual intimacy to actually be a space where it is, once again, okay to take time off of work or invest in each other or deepen in connection through intimacy.

-Yes, exactly. -Couples do not prioritize their relationships. They do not prioritize. Maybe you work on this with couples.

-Yeah, I do.

-But you are probably prioritized. Date night, our conversations, but the sex part is a whole other part that sometimes is sort of still shrouded in mystery. Like, I guess that makes sense, but how do we actually do that? Because we've never really talked about it or we don't know what we want. But couples let their relationships go first when they have kids and work and other stressors. A lot of couples do.

It's interesting because speaking of couples, I was working with a couple maybe a few months ago. And I brought their attention to something you told me once in a lecture, which was like, it's okay to also plan sex. It's okay to schedule it. And then remember the guy in the relationship going, no, absolutely not. If you're planning sex, it means it's a chore, and I don't want to be someone's chore. And I was like, okay, then let's unpack this. And yet, I do agree, having a schedule, I mean spontaneous, yes, but also scheduling it in, in the same way you would schedule a gym appointment, because it's good for you. Right, exactly. Or a massage.

And if I didn't plan my gym, I wouldn't go. I plan it and I know if I don't go, I get a late fee. Or my trainer's coming. Yeah. Like we all need accountability. Yeah. So, but if you and your partner are working on it together, it doesn't become this like, oh, I had to schedule it. It's because that person still believes that sex should be spontaneous, that we should be struck by spontaneous arousal at all times. I should see my partner across the room and want to rip their clothes off at all time, and I should be ready to go. That is not the case for the majority of couples.

If it feels like a chore to have sex, well, what other things can you put in that sacred time? That special time.

What do you think? I'm thinking like, I even like a pre-sex ritual. Oh, yeah. We're like, look into each other's eyes. You're breathing together. You're making sure the room's set up. You're making sure you've like, what's your attention for this session? I mean, this is a very, like, LA thing to do. Very LA. But I don't, what else could we do to get couples to realize that it's a sacred time for them to connect? Sex has become so lights out, get it over with.

Well, yeah, the opposite of that. I mean, It's this whole like phenomenon of like urgency cultures. We're not pausing enough to feel alive again in the world, period. So like what it goes back to what is the intention of sex in your relationship. If it is not about can you're like, oh yeah, we know each other well. So that's it. We're not going deeper into our bond. Then of course it's a chore because it loses its intentionality. Like what's the intention of sex for you?

-I mean, for me it's connection.

-Yeah.

Pleasure. It's all those feel good hormones. It's like the dopamine, the oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. It's all of it. It's mostly connection and touch. We require touch. We need to be touched. And I think it's all of that.

It's just like a coming together, but not really. Yeah. So if it's just movements, if it's just choreography that we're saying during that time, of course it's a chore. Like any dancer over a certain amount of time is going to get sick of the same damn choreography. Yeah. You know, but the job of a good performer is to find the newness in that choreography too.

Yes.

However, that being said, if there isn't the clarity of intention, of course boredom sets in. Of course, like it becomes a- How.

Do you create the intention? Is it a sheet? Is it a question? Is it like a- I think it's.

Just saying like, what, like- why do we have sex? Why do we have sex? And like, if you ask me, I'm like, I love losing calories during sex. I mean, like, that's not my answer, but if that is your answer, Fine.

Yeah. And then it's a rigorous question.

Let's do exercise based movement penetration together. And that's our intention. And like, get clear about like, yeah, we are working out together. Or if like, I mean, same with you, like my intention is sex is like, I just love these moments where it's like, I don't know, where you lose the edges as much and you just feel like this proximity and this closeness. that you don't get during the day.

Right.

When you're, you know, and it's like, all right, well, that's what we're working towards in this time together.

Yeah.

And to me, it's always meeting who this person is and who you are in that moment. So it's fresh, it's new. It's like Buddhism in interaction.

Yeah, it is.

It is.

It could be like a sacred- It's.

The fucking power now.

-Compassion and- gratitude for our partner and feeling like it's like, almost like we're reverence for our partner's body.

Yes.

And their reverence for us.

You're turning me on.

I don't want to feel weird. We want to be like, you are so hot. Your body is beautiful. I love your body. I want to please it. And then it's reverence back to your partner. So if it feels much more connected.

Like your body's sacred, my body's sacred. Yeah.

What another way to elevate it? Oh, my God.

If you didn't just get turned on by that, I don't know. Oh, my body would be revered. I'm a god. Yes. I mean, just listening to you and you getting into that state of being revered and revering and like, Oof, yes. You want to rub my feet?

Yeah. You really want me to. You feel like this has been a...

I had a couple that I was working with maybe last year, and the woman said to me, we were talking about sex, and I actually brought up that question about like, what's your intention around sex? She's like, to relieve stress. Like, I like full on said this. I like to use my husband as a stress release tool. Oh yeah, it was during a training. Sorry, it wasn't during a couple session, it was during a training on stress that I was teaching. And I was like, okay, well what happens when you don't have stress? Which is a really interesting question. And she was like, oh, then we don't have sex. I was like, okay, so how do we perhaps expand the Like the intentions beyond just one. Because I also- It's not a connected experience.

She's getting not her stress release.

She's getting her stress release and he's getting off and he's not like mad at you.

I mean, for men too, to have a stress relief during sex.

Oh yeah.

Orgasm after orgasm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what did she say? Tell me more. She actually, I remember now, she told me, she came back and she was like, well, we had sex and it wasn't about my stress release. and I cried and it was so intimate and vulnerable and I haven't experienced that in a while because I was using him to release, like and shake basically my stress out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when you feel more connected to sex, which I think is the goal or maybe what a lot of people are missing, it can't possibly feel like a chore because it's more of you're connected.

It's a driver.

It's a driver and it's the two of you are in it together. I think something like that, which is common, the whole When it feels like you are not in it together. You're like, we're both gonna go through the motions, which is so common. So what the plea here is the invitation here is for couples to find ways to make sex feel more collaborative, which is my fifth pillar of sexual intelligence, sex IQ, which we talk a lot about in my membership Smart SSX. If anyone wants to get some sex coaching around sex IQ, is that the collaboration piece is so big because I found that usually there's one person in the relationship who's like the one who's like trying to improve the sex life, but let's make it better, more connected. And there's one who's like, we're fine, we're good. But you really need two to tango in this case.

Yeah, I would say if one person is saying we're fine, we're good, then you're not listening. That person might be good or satisfied or have enough, but like your partner is not. And it's not that you have to change your behavior or your action. But what happens if you listen? What happens if you get curious? What happens if you say, like, when you say, like, you want more, what does that look like? What does that feel like? What's part of that? What's here for you? Tell me about your inner world when you say you want more sex.

Yeah, really get clear and curious. Yeah. Love that. Compassion, curiosity, clarity.

See you later, chore.

Bye.

Bye.

You know what else feels like a chore?

What?

Dating.

Yeah.

You're really good at it.

No, no, it's felt like a chore. Like I realized I'm good at inviting people to cuddle and read next to me while I work and call that dating. But apparently that's not dating.

It's not foreplay.

Well, you know, I'm like, Hey.

Bring your laptop fully charged.

Bring your laptop fully charged on over. And, you know, parallel read with me.

Yeah.

But yeah, no, it does feel like a chore because it's like you have to leave your house.

Yeah, you have to leave your house. But also like that whole, I think where I'm at now is that's not that it's a chore, it's that I don't, it's the kind of thing where I feel like I'm always open to date, to meet, but to feel like I have to be intentional and I have to like join an app or tell everyone I know I'm sick. I'm having a very full life right now. And maybe there's also that pressure, like.

Why aren't you dating? Or I should be wanting to be dating right now. And, Okay, okay. Well, let's reverse this. Like, what for both of us would make dating feel less like a chore?

I think probably if I was going out more to meet people that I might be open to dating.

Okay, so like going to places that are exciting or events that are exciting.

Right.

That like where like-minded people might be.

Yeah. Okay, so it's just more natural, like it's always been. I've never been an app person.

No, okay.

I get fixed up a lot.

You do get fixed up, but I try all the time.

Yep.

Yeah.

You try all the time?

Yeah, I try to fix you up all the time. I have.

With women, which is fine, but.

Yeah, well, whatever.

But I think the more we have to go back in time where before we had dating apps, before we anything, people would have to like walk up to you at the bar, on the street when you're waiting in line for coffee, and they would have to approach you and talk to you. And it was happening more regularly, more frequently. You'd be going to parties. I think we're just less social. Yeah. People would fix you up. That was it. Matchmaking. Like that was how it happened. And now it just like, you got to do the apps. You got no one's approaching you. So it's I think it's become harder and then there's like guilt that you should be doing it. And I just would love life to be a big dating pleasure pool.

Yeah.

You are having a pool party on Sunday.

I'm having a pool party. I also noticed my shirt opened up. I saw that too. I thought that was a miracle. No, no, it was just clevin for everyone. Trying to get the- your body looks good. Trying to get the followers. So do you think you'll meet someone at the pool party on Sunday? Well, you tell me. Well, mostly people are gay. So yeah, I think you'll meet someone. I think we should put it on Craigslist, the pool party and- Craigslist.

Craigslist.

Speaking of Craig, I did meet- well.

That'S not his real name. No, but I did again. But then the people I meet, we went to the Dead Show. We went to the Dead Show. And there was a guy that was kind of cute, came up, was talking, talking to us. He was sort of dig into me, the whole thing, which was kind of nice, flirty energy. But then, duh, duh, duh, red flag, he's drinking. He's like, oh yeah, I used to be sober, but not anymore. And I was like, I am done with the alcoholics. I've done this before. I'm not, yeah, you wanna fall off the wagon onto me?

See, this is where my red flag, couture, goes like, wait, you told me your red flag up front? That's so hot. You have such great communication style. Let's get married. Where I actually appreciate that you're like, Wait, they demonstrated and clarified their red flag. And you're like, and no, thank you. No, thank you.

But yeah, in the past, I might have been like, oh, but it's just fun. We could just sleep together. I was like, I'm not dealing with your addiction to whatever it is. Yeah. So yeah, it was clear. But you're right. Sometimes we just, that's the thing with red flags.

We tend to turn them green or, you know, yeah.

Or just magnetized because they feel familiar. Right. to be one thing that was like, oh, and then I wonder, the more self-aware we are, the more work we do on this is there's gonna be everyone. We're just gonna see it too clearly now. Because we're so, I mean, I see my issues really clearly.

That's great.

But I don't know.

What are they?

Oh, gosh. I require strong executive functioning skills. A planner.

A planner. You mean in someone else? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like when someone has strong executive functions. Yes.

You have some.

Just in one area.

Just in one very funny area. But I think that I really don't, and if someone's not really a planner.

They'Re all over the place. It sounds silly, but that's a life functioning skill. No more choring. No more choring sex. No more choring sex. I know you've mentioned that you've had these experiences where it's like, it became mature, it became boring.

Did you get out of it?

That's my- I always get out of it. Wait, did you have the relationship or did you get... How did you get out, stay in the relationship and get out of the chore?

I made the sex better in the relationships for sure, 'cause that's sort of my jab.

So how did you fix it?

How did I fix it? It was variety, spontaneity, communication is a lubrication, doing all the things I did. I'm saying you have to clear resentments and you have to clear out your shame and you have to feel good in your body and all these things. But if you just, the thing is, like you're just bored and it's a chore, but you're trying something new, 'Cause then your attention is focused on this new stimulant, this new variety, this new thing. Like, we've never flogged before. Let's do it. We've never watched porn together. Let's do it. Like, just something new rather than the same rote over and over and over again.

Discovery is everything. I mean, when we talk about dopamine, we're really talking about discovery and the motivation to, like, even you don't even have to actually do it to get the dopamine hit. This is what's really interesting. You can talk about, like, Hey, Em, Like, what if we were to like vlog each other the next time we see each other at A1?

At A1, I love it.

Just the anticipation.

We should go to A1 and vlog each other right now.

Okay, I'm hungry. Okay. But just even talking about it already releases more dopamine than us actually doing it.

This is why communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about sex, it's going to make it less of a chore and more of like a fun thing we share.

You're right. Yeah, we're sharing something. We're connecting. We're like, Building something together, like flogging each other in a grocery store.

Waiting in line for buffalo cauliflower.

Oh my God, buffalo cauliflower sounds so good. Let's do it, baby. Okay, let's go.

What if buffalo cauliflower was the antidote to choring sex? Oh my God, maybe. I mean, come on, anything there. That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. If you if you love the show, please like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or partner. It just might spark something. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, and X. It's all at sexwithemily.com. And I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides, articles, and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Have if you have a question about sex, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk sex that's 559-825-5739 or leave a message at sexwithemily.com ask and hey was it good for you email me anytime at feedback@sexwithemily.com I'd love to hear what you're thinking.