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Our sexuality or our lives with our intimate partner, that slice of our life is such a microcosm for everything else. And if we're disconnected from ourselves, like it's going to come out readily in a sexual dynamic. Whereas in real life, you can sort of white knuckle through something or like convince yourself otherwise, but if you're with someone, it's gonna come up. And I thought, gosh, sexual wellness is a really important pillar of overall wellness, and nobody talks about this. I mean, you do, but you know.

In today's Throwback episode, we're debunking the myths that Hollywood, pop culture, and celebrity couples have fed us for years, and taking a hard look at the reality behind all those glossy headlines. We'll explore Gwen Paltrow's conscious uncoupling and what it really means for modern love. The obsession with self-care and why it's not a one-size-fits-all solution for relationships. Sex and love in movies. Why it doesn't always match the reality of real connection. Perfect relationships. Are they even possible or is it just this Hollywood fantasy? And sexual expectations. Why are we to let go of the myths that prevent us from real intimacy? This episode is about getting to the truth behind love and sex and what actually makes relationships work in the real world. So whether you're single in a relationship or just trying to figure out where the truth lies, let's get into it. Hi. Hi. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm good.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too. So I think about you, I think of you as like this translator and you're like digging through all these like unconventional healing modalities and trying to find what works and recommending it to to everybody. And one of the ways you do that is through your new show on Netflix, Sex, Love and Goop, which I like binged in the last two days. And this time you took on sexual healing. Like, tell me about that decision to go into that realm and really show it off.

So our first Netflix series, we had a show, it was more of an anthology. And it was, we had one episode called the Pleasure is Ours. It was about female sexual pleasure, essentially. And the reason that I wanted to do that was because being Gen X girl and growing up in the culture the way that I did, I felt like there was so much shame that was still permeating culture around women having pleasure and that pleasure for women was somehow unacceptable or threatening. or made people draw bad conclusions about a woman. And I thought the way that female pleasure is portrayed in the culture is so fake. And you see women who are so far away from their own essence and what they really want and what really feels good and it's all performative. Or like even growing up, like we were supposed to be like the cool girl who was like cool with whatever. We never said, Hey, That actually doesn't feel good or right. Like we were never given that permission. Never gave ourselves that permission. And then we got such a reaction to that first show that I thought, wow, this is like a real lightning rod. Like people, this means that people are really unexplored here in this way because it's triggering in both positive reactions and negative reactions. And I thought, I would love to dig more deeply into this topic and broaden it out a little bit because our sexuality or our lives with our intimate partner, that slice of our life is such a microcosm for everything else. And if we're disconnected from ourselves, it's going to come out readily in a sexual dynamic. Whereas in real life, you can sort of white knuckle through something or convince yourself otherwise. But if you're with someone, it's going to come up. And I thought, gosh, you know, sexual wellness is a really important pillar of overall wellness and nobody talks about this. I mean, you do, but, you know.

Yeah, what I love that you did through the sexual healing and sexual body work is that it's the kind of thing where, yeah, I would talk about it. 'Cause, you know, I've often said, look between your legs, take a look. They'll go, yeah, I'll do that. Like, when I get home, after I binge, you know, whatever, Netflix, eat dinner.

But to actually see the women sitting.

There, like, legs up like here's and to actually watch their faces. And I think it's got such a great impact on people watching to think, oh, I've actually never done that. And now I can see what that does. It was powerful. Have you ever practiced any of it or did you ever have any other any sexual logical body work practices on yourself?

I have not, but I would actually really like to try it. I think when I watched the show, I thought, oh my gosh, this particular person who's having hands on sexual logical body work, I thought, Oh, my gosh, she's really unlocking something.

You're just gonna get a big reaction from this. Are you ready for it?

Oh, yeah. We're always ready for a big reaction. That's what it's par for the course.

Mm-. I think that it's gonna be powerful. What I also love is it was able to shift the relationship dynamic between couples, that they were able to come in. The couples, I think it was Rama and what was it? Afifilatass. So what I thought was so interesting, there's this wife, right? And she felt that he, in their dynamic, which was no longer hot, that he was like the third child.

Right.

And she just wanted to take charge. And you saw that moment on screen where they shifted that energy. It was cool.

There's so many resonant moments like that. Like, I think there are, for example, a lot of mothers out there who feel exhausted, overburdened, and, you know, like, I have a friend who said-- we were talking about this show, and she was like, sometimes I feel like sex is just another thing on my to-do list. that I have to get done. And so I was like, but we're alive this one time. Like we really should be, first of all, if that's the case, like you should be honest with yourself and not do it.

Or figure out a way that you.

Can really like get back to that side of yourself. If you want to, what are the ways that we as women can get back into that, like the softer kind of mammal of the side of our bodies as a, you know, and it's where we're really in touch with who we are and what we want. We're framing sex more as self-care these days.

We should pleasure should be self-care, but there's so much like guilt around it and like, I don't deserve it. I shouldn't masturbate. I shouldn't, but we do have to prioritize it. So I'm wondering from you, like how do you just nourish your own well-being?

Your own well-being? It's funny, like the ways that I nourish my well-being, I'm very sensual. Like I love to take a bath. I love beautiful bath oils and salts. I love massage. And as far as the sexual aspect, I have this interesting thing where I'm basically a newlywed in my late 40s. So I have a very different experience of my sexuality right now because I've been given this amazing new lease on life in that way, which has been incredible. And I'm really grateful for that. Yeah.

This morning, I just have to show that this is a beautiful toy that came in the mail for me. And I love this. It's a warming vibe.

Yep. Warming G-spot vibrator.

So there was a time where we get, we probably still do, we get 20 pounds of toys sent to my office. When I started out, it was just me testing them all. I'm like, my vagina can't be the arbiter of what is a good vibrator. So then my whole team got to try out toys. What about you? What was the process for going about creating, how do you know what to create? What do you like?

How did it happen?

We are very close to our customer at Goop and very close to each other as women in an office. And so it was really fascinating to have these series of conversations. And the reason that I wanted to make a vibrator in the first place, then we have, that's our second one, but we have a, the first one is like a double-sided wand that looks like an ice cream cone. I like the idea that we could make a sex toy and really challenge this idea that sex toys are somehow dirty or should be hidden or something to be ashamed about. So we made this like beautiful vibrator. It looks like a little sculpture, it looks like a pop art ice cream cone really. And the idea was it's a fantastic vibrator and it has 64 different settings and all this kind of great stuff, but you could leave it on your counter. You know, you could, it wasn't like, sex shop, kind of how you picture a vibrator. Like one of my best friends said, Thank you so much for making a vibrator that doesn't look like a penis with veins in it and stuff like that. That's embarrassing to leave on your counter, like if your kid walks in or something like that. And so it was really just about breaking a paradigm and trying to, with imagery, introduce this idea into the culture that like it's not embarrassing to masturbate, it's not embarrassing to have a vibrator. And it's funny because there are girls who work here that are so like vibrator fanatics. And so they're like my main focus group. You know, they want full approval over what it's going to be and how it's going to work. It's important.

And everyone's different too, what they want. So you have a whole testing team there. And I love all the products. So what if your kids walked in and saw vibrator? Like how are you talking to them about sex now? You know, my generation, I had zero sex ed. like I didn't know what masturbation was and orgasm till I was like 25. Did you have any of that sex ed or?

I didn't have any sex ed, not at all. So it's very different now. Like my kids had a really, really comprehensive sex ed in sixth grade. There was a fantastic pediatrician mom at our school and she gave them like a hardcore sex ed talk, which was awesome. Like she told them everything.

And.

You know, I think that it's maybe a universal truth that kids don't want to talk about sex with their moms or their dads. I still don't, I adore my mom. I still don't really want to talk about sex with my mom, you know? Like, and I can tell you, like, my son freaks out if I have a bra strap showing. So I can tell you, like, he does not want me to talk about it. Okay. so what I try to do is just, like, engage with them if they want to talk about anything. I'm there. They know, obviously, that their mom is, like, a bit of an iconoclast. And my son is. He was really sweet a few months ago. He was like. He said it used to kind of embarrass me that you sold vibrators and vagina things and, like, kids would say stuff at school. But he's like, now I get it. Like, you're a feminist and you're helping women, and it was really sweet, so. I think it probably does make him a little uncomfortable on some level, but he also gets it. Big picture. I mean, he's a pretty, he's an old soul for a 15 year old boy.

I love to hear that. I think it is changing right now. And so what has surprised you right now about, like, your sexuality at this point? Yeah.

Well, you know, it's been, it's so interesting because it's gone through so many ebbs and flows, and it's been dependent as well on my partners and what our chemistry has been like or relationship, like how non-judgmental is it, how full of trust is it. I think for me anyway, and a lot of my women friends, it's been dependent on the man, which is kind of what you touched on earlier, not so much always from a place of like, it's about his pleasure only, but just in terms of like, I never asked for anything. Like I never said, Hey, how about tonight if you, I would love it if you did that. Like I never would say anything like that. I never, and I still frankly have a hard time with asking for what I want. Luckily my husband, he plays me like a violin at this point. But it's been really interesting over the years to reflect back on my sexuality and know and understand like, oh, Wow, I was really far away from myself then or I was in a relationship where I didn't feel like I could be wholly myself sexually. And the accountability that you have to have, right? Because it's also like, if I didn't say anything, then how could I expect to have a really fulfilling sexual relationship? And I was so conditioned never to ask for, and you know, you just weren't conditioned, right? so.

And.

And as I said, it's still hard for me, but I think what's been amazing for me is really my husband is such a non-judgmental person, and he's so curious and, like, nothing is weird to him, whether it's sexual or anything, like, he's just so non-judgmental and so. I think when you have the safety of that, like that you can really be free to be who you are, then like there's this incredible blooming that happens. And I feel lucky that I'm in that chapter right now, you know, and I really credit my partner because I'm not, I'm still not like all the way strong in that way, you know?

No, it's hard. It's yeah, I hear what you're saying, but that's really, you're right. A lot of it is being with a partner that you can that accepts you as you are, where you're at and is willing to go on the journey with you because it is all about journey and exploration. And yeah, and this is what I want for a lot of younger women now, but I still think that they're still in that performative, I've got to do what I'm seeing in porn and all that. But I do think there is a confidence that comes and finding those partners that are healthy and are cool with, yeah, just exploring and packing, which is what I also liked about your show was that you really saw these couples that they really went on these deep journeys together where they were exploring and opening up and they were open. And you can see that so much about sex isn't just about compatibility, like sexual compatibility. It's more like we have to work if there's tweaks, like there's things that you got to figure out with your partner. So did this for you, was there anything that you it opened up for you or that you wanted to explore or maybe share with your friends or your daughter or your son?

Totally. I think for me, again, like I just touched on this before, but what I learned the most from it was the importance of accountability and the importance of like not expecting someone to read your mind or for things to be magically perfect or symbiotic in a sexual relationship and like the importance of.

Being.

Who you are and speaking from that incredibly true place. And I have so many friends who cannot do that, or they think it'll rock the boat of their long marriage, or it will, you know, turn their boyfriend off. And I think when we sublimate ourselves like that, I honestly believe you We put ourselves in a position of like to create to create like those fractures where we're we can't we're not fully integrated because we're not if you're not fully integrated in your sexuality, how can you be how else is that showing up in your life? And where else is that showing up?

Yeah, I think it's I think that's true. You're so right. It's such a lifelong challenge, too, because people think, well, I'm working on wellness. So it's everywhere in my life. I exercise and I eat well, and my spiritual life is in check. But then sex has always sort of been this bastard child of the, of the wellness industry. They're like, oh, but sex we can't talk about. But when you bring it under that umbrella, you realize that if you're not sexually well, it's going to impact all these other areas of your life. And so how, how do you think this could possibly, I think it will shift the discourse, the public discourse around women and aging and menopause and all those things. How are you looking to get into that conversation right now?

I really hope so. You know, that's the other thing. It's like we always like to go into those areas where it's still hidden or covert or embarrassing or shameful to talk about. I mean, perimenopause is very much one of those areas. Like, I think this is something we've been talking about a lot recently because I really think that, and I say this all the time, but I think menopause needs to be totally rebranded.

Yes.

This incredible gateway to this exceptionally deep, wise chapter of your life where your sexuality becomes something else. Like, I want to know. I want to Mentor. We need women to, like, take our hand and help us cross over and have it be something that's. That we're looking forward to, as opposed to this is the end of our lives. And I've. I've heard women say, best sex of their lives after menopause. And I had never heard that before. This is just recently because I've been asking people. And then I have one woman who I'm really close to that's just like, it's not the same. It's not the same. And I wish I could talk to somebody about it to get a roadmap to. And I was like, you should, you know, this is what I mean about people can be accountable, but also we need rubrics to follow. Like we need people to talk to. We need women to share what their experience has been, whether it's with their sexual journey, their post-babies or post-menopause. And so my hope is that with this show and then the ensuing conversations like the one you and I are having right now, is that it just gives people permission to have those conversations in their own lives or with their own friends, with their own partners, gay, straight, married in a couple for however many years, whatever the permutation is that people are like, oh, maybe we should have this conversation. I've never asked you this question before, you know?

Yeah, no, you're so right. I love what you're saying about we need someone to pull us along, but yet half the population goes through this perimenopause, menopause, it could last 12 years for some. And it's weird that we don't, that there is anybody because we know our parents went through it. And so then women have to all like, then we're told that our life is over and I just, our sexual life is over. I don't think this is what's happening.

And I don't think it is, you know?

I know it's not.

Give me hope.

Is there any tips on your own journey that you want to share? Anything that's worked for you or friends around you? Like hormones or... Yeah.

I mean, honestly, the best thing that I've done for my hormones through this shifting time in the last few years is this year I've gotten really... I've taken a wellness year because in COVID, I was just really went crazy with the, you know, junk food, alcohol, like that, you know, chocolate cake. And I really have taken this year to go deep into gut health. And it's been amazing for my hormone balance. Like, and I've been tracking it with blood labs and stuff and tracking my progesterone, estrogen, all of those things. As I've let my gut heal and find rebalance, my hormones have been rebalancing. That's been super interesting. Like this idea that if you're eating whole foods, clean foods, not a lot of processed foods or none. This year, I've really limited sugar, dairy, or I've totally eliminated really limited alcohol, all grains, in an effort to do this gut health experiment. and it's been incredible. Like my hormones have really, they've really evened out. It's wild. I mean, I just had a labs, I was talking to my gynecologist the other day and I had my labs done and she was like, oh my God, your hormones, like your levels are amazing. You've like levels of somebody much younger. And I hadn't before I started.

Okay.

So, God help.

Yeah, I like herbs and adaptogens and stuff for hormone support, too. We have this amazing supplement packet called Madam Ovary at Goop. It's so good. That's what I take. It's really for hot flashes and stuff. It just supports mood stuff and hormonal fluctuations.

I love it. That works. So, Madam Ovary, I love the naming, DTF. Did you feel DTF after everyone took it on your bra? Testing this kind of supplement?

Oh, yeah.

Do you feel like you take it.

A few minutes before sex?

Well, you're supposed to take it daily because it works cumulatively. But I also think it does help even if you just take it, you know, like an hour or so before. Like, it's got this banyan Greek in it that's clinically shown to boost women's libido. It has great adaptogens for mood and stress, and it's really good. I really love it.

Okay, good. I'm going to ask you the five questions. We have quickie questions that we ask all of our guests. They're super quick.

Great.

To overthink. What is your biggest turn on?

My husband's lips.

Biggest turn off?

Interrupting. Like when people interrupt when they're talking or interrupt other people when they're talking.

What makes good sex?

Relaxation, openness, and freedom.

Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Know yourself first and listen to yourself first.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That.

As long as it's consensual, anything's possible. Don't shame yourself for what you like or what turns you on.

I love it. Thank you so much. One more question about your show. What do you think is going to be, you know, the result of the world seeing your show? What's your hopes for this for Sex, Love and Guitars?

I don't know. I just hope that people I hope that people take away that there are tools to get closer to your partner, to get closer sexually to your partner, to have those harder conversations. I think we these amazing couples in the show show by example what it looks like to be vulnerable and brave in the name of connection and your intimate relationship. I really hope that people watch it and start to have conversations that bring them closer to each other.

I think they will. I think you succeeded at that.

Thanks.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you so much.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X, it's all @sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you question about sex, dating, relationships, any of it, leave a message at sexwithemily.com/ask. and hey, was it good for you? Email me at feedback@sexwithemily.com I would love to hear what you're thinking.