https://www.listennotes.com/e/5d69bd3884a5490d81bd73e1fb98f74a

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When we don't have any kind of foreplay or any kind of warm-up for arousal, and then we go right into penetration, a lot of us, especially vulva owners, find ourselves not really prepared. Like we're not turned on, we're not aroused. And then what I really need you to understand is that there's simply a misunderstanding or maybe a not knowing about arousal. When you hear foreplay, What comes to mind?

A little touching, some kissing, the warm up act before the main event? Well, what if I told you that foreplay isn't just what you do, it's how you connect. And honestly, it might be the most overlooked and most powerful part of your sex life. Well, in today's episode, we're flipping the script on foreplay because it's not just about hands and mouths and toys. It's about emotional intelligence, curiosity, and keeping things exciting. exciting, even when life gets busy or the sex gets kind of routine. I'll walk you through why foreplay is so much more than a pregame. A fascinating study on what actually separates a good sex life from a not so good one, specific sexy ways to tease yourself and your partner back into arousal, and what to do with foreplay or sex in general has gotten stale. We'll also tackle some real listener questions like What if you're fantasizing about someone else while in a relationship? And how do you have an orgasm if you've never had one before? Before we dive in, take a moment to set your own intention. What do you want to learn or explore today? My intention? To help you expand your definition of.

Sex so it includes all those delicious.

Anticipatory, slow build moments we call foreplay. Because when foreplay becomes every day, desire doesn't just stay alive, it thrives. Let's get into it.

So I often say that foreplay starts after the last orgasm. And what I mean by that is foreplay should really happen all day, every day. So I want to break down the importance of foreplay for a really dynamic sex life and then give you some tips for making foreplay hotter than ever. and answer your foreplay questions. So let's talk about foreplay for a minute because I think it does get a bad rap in the sense of you often hear that women, vulva owners want foreplay, penis owners don't want foreplay. And there's this notion that it's always something that we're nagging for, like women back in the day, they just want foreplay and men are just ready to go. And I'm just going to dispel all of those myths today. But first, let me define what foreplay is. foreplay also can be called outer course, which I actually like that better because foreplay to me is a term that just centers on sex, it being the precursor to sex, and that sex is all about penetration, penis goes in vagina. And in my mind, sex should not be only about that. Foreplay is basically a sexual activity defined as a sexual activity that happens before sexual intercourse. again, showing that it's happening before the main event. So sort of the warm up and foreplay doesn't have to always lead to intercourse. Foreplay, typically things like kissing, cuddling, touching, talking. I love foreplay. Sometimes I think that foreplay could be the main event, or it is the main event, at least in my life. So I'd love for you to start thinking differently. We can put all of this under the sex umbrella. All of these sex acts, intercourse, kissing, oral sex. And I'd love them all to be sort of an equal playing field. So you can see you get to choose any one of them. You can just have oral sex and I'd say you had sex that night. So, you know, I often say that your brain is the largest sex organ. And it really applies to what I'm talking about when I say foreplay all day because it's really psychological. Because foreplay, what happens is our brains need to get on board for sex. So are we thinking about sex? When I say foreplay all day, it means that you're connecting to your partner. Maybe they sent you a sexy text. Maybe you showered together in the morning and saw each other's bodies. And then that sort of, that kept fueling your day. You were looking forward to the evening where you got to see your partner again. Because when we don't have any kind of foreplay or any kind of warm up or arousal, and then we go right in, right into penetration, a lot of us, especially vulva owners, find ourselves not really prepared. Like we're not turned on, we're not aroused. And then what I really need you to understand is that there's simply a misunderstanding or maybe a not knowing about arousal. And so what I've, I've kind of taken a look at this is why there's a lot of men who are like foreplay, I could take it or leave it. Well, because if you have a penis and you get aroused, you get turned on, you're ready to go. You have an erection, you are warmed up, you're all primed, and you're like, I do not want to stop it. The train is in motion and you have that animalistic urge and you're ready to go. Now, if you happen to be with someone with a vulva, a vagina, well, they don't get aroused in the same way. It doesn't mean they can't get aroused and they won't get aroused, but it's not spontaneous. It's more responsive. It responds to things happening beforehand, hence foreplay, warming them up for the main event. We literally just, I wish that seeing your penis, I do, was the thing that was all I needed was to see that your erect penis is desiring me. That would be amazing. That would make everyone's life so much easier, but it just doesn't work like that. Not because anything's wrong with your penis. There's just a lot to understand the psychology and the arousal and desire process that differs between genders. So, in understanding that when we think about foreplay and some of the benefits of foreplay is that think of it this way. It's actually getting us aroused, getting us more turned on more in the mood. So physiologically speaking, foreplay causes an increase in blood flow to your genitals. So this helps lubricate your vagina. You're getting aroused. That's where the wetness can come in. And it also allows you to feel more intimate with your partner. You have that emotional intimacy. And for many of us, we need all of those things to be in place. We need to talk about our day with you. You know, we want to, you know, be touched in a way that will turn us on. We want to lower our stress. You know, if there's a lot of stuff happening in the home that's making us anxious or worried or stressed, remember, stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive and it doesn't do very well for our desire and our arousal. So, you know, that's why kissing is great because when we kiss, that triggers a release of oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin. It lowers the cortisol, which is responsible for stress and increases our feelings of affection and bonding and euphoria, and it increases our ability to get aroused. So this is why foreplay. So I just want you to understand that, that this is why I always say often, often that foreplay isn't just a suggestion, it's a requirement. We require, especially a lot of Volvo owners require foreplay to be in the mood for any kind of sex. And so kissing will help to do that. Touching will help to do that. Now, for some of us, it's like we're just happy that our partner emptied the trash cans, that they asked about our day, that they. We felt intimately connected. We talked about our work day, and we had really exciting ideas exchanged. And that got me in the mood. Like a really hot. Like a lot of you calling in. You're sapiosexuals turned on by the brain, the mind. I'm the same way. If I have a hot conversation with someone that's smart and intense and we're totally vibing on similar topics, I'm like, I am so ready to go right. Now, and so the more we can kind of think about foreplay as these activities that will bring you towards a shared state of arousal, the better. Because what I've also heard from men is, oh, I'm going to lose my, like I said, I've said this, that men are going to lose their erection. Because then they think, well, I'm turned on, but now I got to do all the work. I got to go down to my partner. I got to make sure she's ready. I got to slow this down. I got to cuddle, and then I got to have sex and do all the work again. But what I'm saying is if you plant all of these seeds throughout the day, throughout the evening when you're together, there's way less work in the traditional four play sense because you're all ready to go. You're all amped up because you've been connecting. And so that's the key to this. This is what I want you to understand. And foreplay doesn't always have to lead to the main event, just so you know. Or doesn't foreplay have to be the main event? I've already said that. so. And let me just talk to you. If you haven't really thought about the importance of foreplay, I want to share something with you that I think really illustrates this. So we had a, we had the Gottman, John and doctors John and Julie Gottman on the show a few weeks ago. It's a great episode. The Gottmans on compatibility, conflict and conversation. If you haven't heard it, they are the, the gurus. They're the brains behind so much important sex research for the last 40 years. And their show is called the Gottman side compatibility, conflict and conversation. And that'll be in the show notes. But what they did was they mentioned a great study about key differences between couples with a great sex life and those with a bad sex life. The findings are so interesting and they relate to this topic here of foreplay. So the studies looked at 70,000 couples in over 24 countries and people who believe they had great sex. And here's what was in common. They kissed each other passionately for no reason. Remember I talked about all those feel good hormones that get released? They say, I love you every single day and they mean it. They give surprise romantic gifts. They know what turns their partners on and off, erotically. They're physically affectionate, even in public, and they keep playing and having fun together. They cuddle. They make sex a priority, not an item on a long to-do list. and I want to go back to playing and having fun together. Some of this foreplay all day could be you and your partner would often shared some experience together. You went to the farmers market, you know, maybe that excites you picking out fresh fruits. Maybe you went to the gym together. I mean, couples that do things together tend to be more connected and tend to have more an easier time connecting, at least sexually. So those are all the couples that they say, I love you every day. They stay good friends. They talk comfortably about their sex life. They have weekly dates. Can't drive this home enough how important it is for couples to have a non-negotiable weekly sex date. They take romantic vacations. So what do you think the couples with a bad sex life? And they all shared similarities in their answers. Ready? Spend very little time together. They become job centered. He's job centered and she's child centered. They talk mostly about their huge to-do lists. They make everything else, everything else a priority other than their relationship. They drift apart, they lead parallel lives, and they do not communicate in a healthy way. So what I'm saying about this study is intentional time with your partner makes a difference between good sex and bad sex. and a good relationship and a bad relationship. And those moments of kissing and touching and slowing down and new experiences, new sensations, they don't have to be either to be sexual or physical. They could be verbal connections. It could be spontaneous gifts, massage. So again, just reinforcing the commitment to your relationship could be a really important part of the difference between good sex and bad sex. We talked about the importance of foreplay and how to prioritize it. But what do we do? Well, you're like, okay, Emily, I'm on board. I want more foreplay. What do we do? So here's some practical tips for engaging in some amazing foreplay. First, set the mood. Listen, we know where we don't want to have sex. We don't want to have sex in a messy bedroom or a house with clutter everywhere. so a great way to start is your five senses. You know, I love talking about the five senses because I think that they're really helpful for helping us ground in the moment. So think about this sight, the five senses being sight. Where do you want the light? Do you want to have your lights on a dimmer? Do you want some candles lit? I think it's great to have two different light sources. You know, like, just not those super bulbs, those super white bulbs. But you can have some dimming lights and some candles hearing. put on some sound, put on some music that, you know, at a nice volume, a comfortable volume that makes you feel relaxed or in the mood, only you know what that music is. And then the scent, like setting the mood would have to do with like lighting candles, burning Palo Santo, oils, you could have oil, like I have a diffuser at my house that I always light with like lavender, jasmine, rose, whatever makes you feel good when you have all of these senses ignited, and then there's touch. So the thing about touch is also in this scenario is like sheets, getting some really good sheets. So, you know, when you're with somebody, like these sheets feel good. Having really fluffy, soft pillows on your couch, wherever you're going to be engaging in all this foreplay, even just surrounding yourself with good quality materials and sheets are so important for this. And then all of your senses are ignited. Now, listen, if you have all of that going on, you're well on your way to setting the mood. You're just thinking about, I want the sex to happen tonight. How am I doing in the senses? And then you run through all of them in the house and you try to find ways to engage all of them. So also thinking about what you're wearing can help. You know, I know when I'm just walking around in my sweats like I have been for the last, you know, year and a half. I don't, but I know when I'm walking around in my sweats like I do sometimes all weekend. I'm like, oh God, I'm ready to put pants on. I feel better just for myself. All genders, what makes you feel sexy? What outfits do you feel good in? Whether it's lingerie or cosplay or costumes or role play. Role play is a really fun thing to do with your partner. Pull out those Halloween costumes. Don't just save them for Halloween or go shopping together, buy some wigs. Get excited about a new role play activity that you could do together. oh, and then taste. Our bodies are delicious, but you can also play around with tasty foods in your home, you know, things that make you get to in the mood. I don't know. I love having, like, strawberries and chocolate. And as cliche as it might sound, it's because the some food is sexy to eat. Oh, of course. I love flavored Lube. System Joe makes literally every flavor you ever imagine. I'm partial to their chocolatey dessert line. But if you're into fruits, they have, like, watermelon and Peach and cotton candy and all the things. All right, so now that we've set the mood, I mean, think about it. Even if you just picture your home right now, you've got all, you know, you've got the mood set. Don't you already feel more in the mood? Well, maybe you're thinking, what do I do next? Well, take one of my tips that I have, one of my top tips is to slow down, go five times slower, and start kissing again. Kissing is the first thing that goes in long-term relationships I've found. So, Pay attention to your partner. Go slow. We have a great article on our site, Six Tips for Becoming a Better Kisser. Check that out. And let's emphasize again, outer course, a product called sex oil. And then if it's made by Borea, which is like using CBD and it's really soothing, it is coconut oil. You could try that. You could try a massage candle. And outer course is really all about touch. You just explore those secondary erogenous zones, which could be your neck, your feet, your inner elbow. Get curious about all those parts. I love a good session of sensory play. And this is where you could have a bowl of ice cubes next to the bed. You could use some of System Jo's. They have a cooling lube. They have heating lubes, heating pads, warm compresses, massage candles. Just play with different temperatures. There's different sensations like feathers and scarves. You could get like the, you know, you could do like a whips and paddles and floggers. I mean, whatever you want to do, there's different sensations that feel great when you're playing with your partner. You can also do a little strip tease for your partner. Really, they're for yourself. Do you ever strip tease and look at yourself in the mirror? It's kind of hot. This is where also dirty talking and sexting, I mean, foreplay can be sending your partner a sexy text and telling them what you look forward to doing later. all of this counts. Well, sexting is great because it's a way to create anticipation for what comes next or what you're into. You could also, you know, let your partner know it's something you want to try because sometimes those conversations can be really awkward to have them one on one with your partner. So if you like sexy text thinking about tasting you later, you know, can't stop thinking about last night. And then you know what it is when you get one of those texts or your heart races, you get excited. Well, that's what we're talking about. Get keeping your own pilot light lit. keeping that energy flowing. And if you want help with dirty talk and sexting, we have a great blog on our site. We have a great article on our site and ask Emily, how do I get better at dirty talk? We also have a podcast, talk dirty to me with Joanna Angel. You know what? There's an excellent new we vibe out. It's called the bond, and it's a wearable stimulation ring that goes around the penis. You can control it with an app. You can control it with a remote. and it can be worn discreetly. So delivering these subtle sensations throughout the evening, you could just be wearing it. No one has to know. Maybe your partner's controlling it even in public. And if you want to be teased, if you want to be tantalized, if you just want to be turned on and vibed even when no one knows it and that notion turns you on, it sort of heightens anticipation and you just kind of savor the sensations that are happening. I mean, to me, that is an excellent foreplay. Then you, if you have a vulva, you could wear the We-Vibe Moxie, and that's sort of the counterpart to the bond, which goes around a penis, and the Moxie you wear in your underwear. Same thing, it could be controlled with an app or with their We-Connect app, which is such a cool, like you actually on your phone, you're able to control your partner's toy. You can control your own toy. No one even needs to know that you're wearing it. So that's the Mac Box, the essentially wearable panty vibe. Then there's butt plugs. Be Vibe makes, you know, I'm all about Be Vibe when they're butt plugs. They can use, you can use these throughout the day too as foreplay day and night, or just wear them in the bedroom. So those are all some fun products to get you started with your foreplay and just to keep it hot, keep it fresh. All right, let's get into your emails. This is from Erica 32 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show, and thanks for being the greatest expert on this. My question is, how can I get my boyfriend to want sex more or have more rounds? He's a great boyfriend, and we've been together for two years, but I feel like I'm more sexual than he is. I also feel like he is logical with everything, including sex, and I am more like, I want the hot, aggressive, passion sex. most of the time we have sex, it's like straight to the point. No warming me up, eating me out, doing anything to me. I feel like I'm the girl in the Netflix movie sex life. If you haven't watched it, please do. The great. This show is an example of how your voice would be super beneficial. I totally get it. I saw it. It's great. He is sensitive and I'm not sure how to bring this up. If I could tell you, you wouldn't believe me if I told you how many women are not talking to their partners or how many people are not talking to their partners about sex because we're so afraid that our partners are going to be upset. We're going to hurt their ego and they're so sensitive, blah, blah, blah. But listen, it's part of their jobs is to be attentive lover. And I don't know where this notion came from that we have to protect our partners from something that is so important in the relationship. And the fact that we don't talk about it is the reason why so many of us are silently suffering through really bad, mediocre sex. So I'm just going to emphasize that in every show until we all get this. So bring it up in a gentle way. Let him know that great sex takes work. You know, foreplay can start outside the bedroom, doing an activity together. He needs to understand what great sex looks like to you. Many partners don't even know what's on the table sexually. Maybe that's the way he's always had sex. He always went right to penetration. he just doesn't know. And probably every other woman before you also didn't want to bruise his ego and didn't know how to say it. So we just remain mute. We remain mute. And we walk around suffering and biting our tongues and not saying anything because of these sensitive partners. But I think he just doesn't know. I'm going to give him the benefit of doubt and say he doesn't even know. So you get to say, hey, I want to tell you some things I've been learning and some things I know about myself. self foreplay can start outside the bedroom. You guys could be doing activities together. You could be doing things that can enhance intimacy. Having a fun night and doing exciting things together can also be a form of foreplay. Now, that's just, you know, maybe. I don't know how much date nights you're having or time together, but this would be the time to have these conversations with him and let him know what you've learned. about your needs. And going back to sex life, yeah, I mean, that was about a partner who had fantasies, kept remembering missing about her ex who was great in bed, and then her current husband who was very logical and by the book just did not want to, wasn't able to go there with her sexually. And some of this is personality types. There are some people who will never be on board to get our needs met, and then there's some that just I just like to say that need more information. They need to understand that, oh, by me making you feel good in this way, you know, it's really going to enhance our relationship in so many other ways because you're going to be more turned on, you're going to feel more connected to me. There's going to be fewer resentments. So sometimes we have to give them the background, the psychology. It's not just you asking for something and they're not giving it, that it's really about, you know, being a fulfilled partner. and I think you need to know that. Julia, 32 in California. Hey, Dr. Emley, I have to have a procedure to remove abnormal cells from my cervix to help prevent cervical cancer. My doctor told me I won't be able to have sex or put anything in my vagina for four to six weeks. Sex is a huge part of my relationship with my boyfriend and how we connect with each other. He's super supportive of me getting this procedure, but I want to make sure we stay connected sexually. I love to give him a head and please him, but I don't want my pleasure to be put on the back burner because penetration isn't an option. Any ideas how we can do this? Yes. Well, I'm wishing you a speedy recovery here. And I have to say that this is exactly what we're talking about here is sex doesn't not necessarily have to be defined by penetration. So what a great time to explore massage with him, to explore each other's different erogenous zones, nipples, neck, playing, kissing, making out. doing all the things that maybe you don't normally do because it is all about penetration. You could spend one night that's on your pleasure and then one night that's on his pleasure. So he can really kind of find parts of your body that feel good. He can also, you know, you can do that to him one night, get some toys to play with, you know, maybe get some fun toys that can stimulate you, stimulate him. You could, there's a lot of external pleasure to be had. I'm just saying.

That.

And I don't know about you, what your situation is, but the majority of vulva owners aren't gonna really have their greatest pleasure with the penis. It comes from mouths and hands and toys. So if there's stuff you've been wanting to try and explore together, you could download our yes, no, maybe list. That could be a great place to start and find things on there that do not involve penetration. A lot of them don't. It's like 80 different sex acts. And so you can start from there. And I think what a great time in these four to six weeks. where you can really start to deepen your knowledge of what each other's into sexually when sex isn't on the table right now and really grow at this time. Because I think the times where our bodies have to kind of slow down because of a medical condition or operations is also a time where we can really choose to spend that time working on other parts of ourself. So this is something you can do here. Okay, this is from Lawrence 27 in Texas. Hey, Dr. Emily, first I want to say I really enjoyed listening to your podcast. I've learned a lot about sex and what I enjoy. So thank you. I recently got married and I love my wife, but our sex is horrible and I'm sure she'd agree. I've gotten to the point where I don't really want to have sex with her. It's not that I don't love her, but there's not really any effort during sex on her end and she doesn't give me oral sex anymore. It's been two years. What to do? All right. Well, Lawrence, I love that you've learned what you like. In the last two years, you've figured out what you like and it sounds like She might not know what she likes, what good sex is or feels like. So now it is her turn. Have you talked to her about it? You know, especially if you think she would agree that your sex is mediocre right now, you think she'd want to figure out what would make it less so you're married and your sex life is horrible. So a conversation with her saying, I figured out some things that are great for me. Let's take some time to figure out what is good for you. has she masturbated? Has she, does she understand her body? Does she knows what feels good to her? You know, just say to her, I don't want to go the rest of our lives or the rest of our marriage like this. It's been two years. We can turn it around. I mean, two years is still the beginning of a relationship, essentially, of a marriage. So you get to say, you know what? Let's wipe the slate clean. It's not great now, but let's, let's work together on creating the building blocks to to better sex. And that's going to be slowing down and talking and figuring out her body. Because I've also found that a lot of bad sex is because we don't, we've never had great sex. You know, does she know what pleasure in her body feels like? Has she masturbated? So these are all the kind of questions you want to have, especially since you've been figuring out your own body. And now it's her turn. Okay, this is from Bree 29 in Wyoming. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a friend I've known for years, and we've recently been taking things to the next level. He's super generous and loves to tease me. No issue there. However, he won't let me reciprocate anything, not even kisses on the neck. And it's a hard no when I want to use my hand or explore with my mouth. I've asked why, and he almost gets mad and says he doesn't like teasing the answers, just no. I don't think I can fully enjoy myself if I'm not allowed to reciprocate the foreplay. What do I do? All right, Bree. You know, I think it's interesting what you're saying here that here's a man who is just not comfortable with you touching him. Now, many men are raised to only associate touch with intercourse. And it might be an intimacy issue here, an aversion to physical intimacy. And that usually comes from observing negative relationships in our childhood or being, you know, during our developmental years. So if he grew up watching an environment at home, or maybe his parents weren't very physical and it was used in a way that didn't support the relationship or His parents were not, you know, supportive of physical touch in the house. It might be really hard for him to receive touch and to even give touch. So if he would be open to this, you could talk to him about it and let him know that it's something that's really important to you. And maybe you could slowly start to explore with him on his body. You know, maybe he, his natural inclination is to shut down. But, but perhaps if, if you're somebody that, which sounds like, you know, you feel safe with, you've been friends for years, you know, he might be willing to explore his beliefs around not wanting touch and be open to the possibility that it just that he hasn't had the right kind of touch. He hasn't been touched by somebody he feels safe with and then he can trust. So let's try out the conversation with him. and make it less about you're not getting the kind of touch you need, but just you'd love to work with him on kind of exploring what really feels good to him as well. And you know how that is when our partner is getting turned on into their, when your partner starts to, you know, start their sexual awakening, you know, it's only gonna impact and it's only going to help develop yours as well. [FOIL] that's it for today's episode.

Thanks so much for listening to Sex With Emily. If you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or partner. It just might spark something. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, and X. It's all @sexwithemily. and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides, articles, and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Have a question about sex, dating, or relationships? Call my hotline 559-Talk-Sex that's 559-825-5739 or leave a message at sexwithemily.com/ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me anytime at feedback@sexwithemily.com. sexwithemily.com. I'd love to hear what you're thinking.