https://www.listennotes.com/e/70a9866f0b77488aa6aeac8204535f80

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You walk in and your partner quickly.

Slams her laptop shut.

Or maybe you stumble across their browser.

History and yep, it's porn.

And then your stomach drops and you start to wonder, Is this cheating?

What's going on here?

I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and today we're digging into one of the most common and complicated questions I get.

Just watching porn count as cheating.

Spoiler alert, there is no universal answer to this question. But if this question is coming up, there's something deeper worth exploring. So, Here's the real question underneath it all. Is this behavior breaking trust in our relationship? Because cheating isn't just physical. I mean, sure your partner could have an affair with someone else. We might all say, yes, that is cheating or they kiss someone else. So basically it's anything that violates the agreements you've made with your partner. And for a lot of couples, porn has never been talked about until someone gets hurt. So in your mind, you have this assumption like we decided, didn't we, when we walked down the aisle together and we committed that porn obviously is cheating.

But if you've never talked about it, is it cheating?

Is it a problem? If one person sees porn as totally normal and the other one sees it as a betrayal, boom, you're already in a very, very gray area. But listen, I get it. If your partner's porn use stings, it's probably just not about the videos. It might be triggering things like insecurities. Does my partner want to be someone who looks very different than me? Maybe I'm not doing enough for my partner. That's why they're watching. porn because I'm not satisfying and I'm not enough. Or maybe they're leaving me, you know, maybe they're trying to like find another way to have sex and they're actually gonna abandon me altogether. And I totally understand those feelings. Your feelings are totally valid. But on the flip side, porn is also often used to explore fantasies, to decompress. You know, many people are watching porn when they're, before they got into the relationship. and they're watching it in the relationship because it's a stress reliever, it's alone time, it's time to just kind of relax, to release, and to get into our bodies alone. For many people, it is not at all. For most people, it's not about replacing their partner. It's about personal pleasure, which we all deserve personal pleasure. Still, if it does feel secretive, that's where it starts to feel like a betrayal. Like if it's hidden or they say they're not doing it. And it's not because of the porn itself, but because of the lack of openness. So here's the truth. Porn only becomes a problem when it's mismatched with your partner's expectations. That's one of the ways it becomes a problem. So instead of asking, is it cheating? Ask, have we ever defined what cheating even means in this relationship? Because I'm starting to have feelings that there's something wrong here, but we probably just need to define our values and our boundaries. Now, some people are super cool with solo play. They're like, yeah, you do you, that's your time alone. I love that you have a release without me. And others want to share fantasies or watch porn together. And some want it off the table entirely. And there's no right answer. There's only your answer together. The two of you coming together and having a conversation about all of these things. And if porn has become a source of tension, the solution isn't shame. It's not making your partner feel worse. It's not trying to catch them in a lie. It's not putting trackers on all of their browsers. Like none of that. It's a conversation. So you can start with, what does porn mean to you? Tell me more about your porn watching. How do we want to set boundaries about this? How can we talk about this without judgment? Because porn doesn't ruin relationships. It's the secrecy and the silence and the shame. that's what ruins relationships. It's like telling your partner, oh, no, I never watch porn, but you are all the time. Or, yes, porn can become problematic if we need porn to be aroused. Like, individually, people could have problems with porn if they watch so much porn that they have consequences. They can no longer get to work on time because they're watching porn. They can no longer get aroused with a partner because they're watching so much porn. But right now we're talking about, like, the porn in a relationship where we're just hiding it and we feel guilt about it. So does watching porn cause us cheating? Maybe, maybe not. But if you're asking the question, I can tell you this, it is time for conversation. Talk about your desires. Talk about your discomfort. That's where the real stuff happens when you're vulnerable and you're open and talk about what trust and pleasure actually look like for you and your partner. Because at the end of the day, communication is always sexier than just making assumptions and making our partner wrong. so if this brought up questions for you, drop a comment, like the video, and don't forget to subscribe. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and I will.

See you next time.

That's it for today's episode.

Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. If you love the show, please, like.

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