https://www.listennotes.com/e/96b7d7d1896a41189873f60a3bbe330d

Dirty talk and sexting is like you're telling a story.

You're telling a story. Think of it like a story. And I love that, of breaking down a sexual experience that you had with this person or that you want to have in the future and get descriptive, get dirty, whatever that means to you.

That is sometimes like the tense, like you have to act like it's happening right now, you know? And then I'm going to do this and do this and like, now fuck me, now give me your cock and do this. Like, if you really are sexting, like you are having sex.

Right. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to just ask for exactly what you want in bed? Like, not hint around it, not hope your partner magically figures it out, but actually say the words out loud? I know, I know, it sounds terrifying. I mean, most of us can barely order what we want at a restaurant without second-guessing ourselves. I get it. Let alone communicate our deepest desires. Like, it's all hard. But here's the thing. The people who are having the most incredible sex, they're not just lucky, they're not just naturally gifted, they're just really, really good at one thing. and that's talking about what they want. And nobody knows this better than today's guest. Joanna Angel is an adult film star, she's a writer, director, and author who's built an empire on understanding desire, communication, and yes, getting exactly what you want. In today's episode, we're diving deep into the art of dirty talk, why most of us freeze up when it comes to expressing our fantasies, and how to build the confidence to ask for what you want and what actually turns you on. Plus, Joanna's sharing some of her favorite techniques for making those conversations feel less awkward forward and way more exciting. Whether you're looking to spice things up with a long-term partner or just want to feel more confident expressing yourself sexually, this conversation is going to give you the tools to transform how you communicate about pleasure. So let's get into it. Joanna, first off, congratulations on your book.

Thank you.

Club 42. It is a thrill. It's a choose-your-own-adventure erotica, which is brilliant. So what was your inspiration for this one?

Most people know me for my work in the adult film industry. So I don't really talk about my time as an exotic dancer really ever. So this was like a fun thing to write about, you know? And the fascinating thing about the exotic dancer world is like, or stripping, whatever you want to call it, it's like, you know, when you're on a porn set, everyone on the porn set is in the porn industry. So you're kind of just, you're in this closed circle and there's like unique things that happen and everybody comes from their own walks of life. But it's different. It's like, you know, once you're in the day-to-day motions of porn, like it starts to become, you know, like a very regular job. But strip clubs are a unique world because you have half the room is in the sex industry and half the room isn't, and they're all meshing together, you know? And especially like even just the staff of a strip club is always like fascinating because you'll have like a manager of a strip club who before that maybe managed like an Applebee's or something, you know?

I love all the characters. Tell me, what did you learn about yourself doing that? I mean, I think that's so adventurous to just do that. You must have learned— that was like this first step on your journey.

It was. I wouldn't be who I was if I never became a stripper. I think it really helped me embrace my femininity. It helped me embrace my sexuality. It helped me like be more confident. It really helped, oddly, my like people skills, you know, because it's your job as a stripper to just sit down and talk to every single person in the club and figure out how to get money out of them, you know? I learned so much about myself. It's almost like I became like this sexual superhero on stage, you know? And I, like, you can't go on stage at a strip club and not be confident, you know? Like, it doesn't matter how you actually feel about yourself or how you view yourself. Like, you have to be sexy on that stage. You have no choice. And I think being sexy sexy and being confident. And that side of me was never very, like, developed. And I really, like, found it at a strip club. And the first time, I just, like, got on stage and I really felt like everyone in the room was, like, in love with me. Like, that feeling. And it was like when I walked on that stage, nobody cared. Like I said, I was not the most beautiful girl at the club. So you could tell. I walked on stage and people were like, "Meh." You know, they weren't, like, blown away, but I captured them with with my dancing and with my connection with each person and with— I don't know. So I just kind of learned how to find the sexual demon in me. Yeah, it was a very transformative time in my life, you know. And then it transferred into porn where I was like, I don't know, I feel I could do anything. It did. I don't know, I think the strip club gave me this feeling of like I could conquer anything, like being able to go in there and conquer that room That is such an intimidating thing.

I mean, we know a lot of my listeners are having a hard time just having that confidence in the bedroom with one person, right? And that takes a very special skill to be able to get out there and just get naked and be confident when you don't have any other experience ever doing it before. So what could we teach people, like, from that experience? Like, how could we take that Joanna spirit and bring that into a situation that might be—

no, because confidence is really everything. I feel like once, once as a woman, or a man for that matter, once you lose your confidence, you lose everything, you know? And it's hard to be confident in this world. It's very hard. This is a hard world to be in, you know?

Really hard.

You know, battles that you face every day. You have to come into the bedroom with that, um, you know? I don't know if you can find that, um, in the bedroom.

You've got to come into it Yeah, so like outside the bedroom, get to know your body, get to know, you know, masturbation, look in the mirror, like look at yourself, right? We're always looking for ways to expand our sexual repertoire, to get more adventurous, and I just think it's really, it grabs you from the top, like you are in, you want to know where you go on this adventure, in the strip clubs, through the people you're sleeping with, through the others, the staff, it's really fun, Joanna. So Club 42, you guys, get it, and I think it's good for Valentine's Day now, people can get it, read it with your partner.

You can get a signed copy too.

Okay.

But yeah, you can just order it on Amazon or anywhere that books are found. I think the actual release date is February 9th, but you can order it.

Yeah, pre-order it.

I am going to be doing a virtual reading of my book through Skylight Books on Valentine's Day at 3:00 PM. So tune in with your—

Okay, tune in and they can find it. I want to come. I want to come. I got no plans. I'll be around. I would love to. Yeah, I will. I mean, Joanna, but this is exactly what I was thinking. I was like, this is the erotica because some people, they're not into watching porn.

There's a lot of girls girl sex, a lot of boy-girl sex. And there's actually a chapter, I don't know if you got there yet, where she has a relationship with a trans woman. There's a whole section of the book where she tries to become a dominatrix, and so she experiences that. So there's just a lot. There's like every kind of sex in this book.

That's what I was going to say. It serves you up. It's like a tasting platter at a restaurant with like, would you like to try a little bit of everything? But you are totally drawn in and turned on, and it's It's, it's, it's an adventure.

Yeah.

Okay, but Joanna, so congratulations on your book Club 42. I also want to get into a little bit about dirty talk because we've been getting so many emails and questions as we always have about dirty talk, but I think there's something about the pandemic. People are sexting more, people are digitizing their sex lives right now, and so they're like, what's a very important skill? It is. So where do you start? Like, my partner asked me to talk dirty, what do I do? Like, where do I start?

Okay, you have to dive in, get into the sex. It was actually hard for me, a porn star, to do that. So every woman out there, like, just understand that this is something that, like, requires, like, a different— this is not even about being good in bed. This is like a different part of your brain, right, and your sexuality that you're using. But you gotta just think of, like, something really filthy and, like, get aroused by it and just write it down. Like, that's just what you have to So practice, maybe.

I always say practice, practice in the shower, listen to erotica, read erotica, watch porn, and write down things that kind of speak to you, that turn you on, and then just practice it. So, but Joanna, like, let's just back up before the filthy, because sometimes, because I think it can be filthy, but you're like, what does that mean? I'm a nice, I'm a nice girl, or I don't want to be filthy. But it can also just be starting off with like, what words are you comfortable with? Maybe like, I don't want to be called a whore, but I want to be called this or that. Or do you think just start with finding what excites Even if it's slow sensual sex.

Find something and go with it. Write down what you want done to you. Write out like, okay, if so-and-so was here right now, what would you want them to do to you? Write it down and be graphic and be descriptive. Exactly what do you want them to do? Or what do you want to do to them? I mean, I sext my fans all day on my OnlyFans.

You do? On your OnlyFans? Okay, tell me about sex. Should we just talk about sexting then? How do you— I know in becomes a muscle because I'm actually out of practice right now, but I used to be a big sexter and I was always like, I could be doing anything, it would just come out and then I'm like, oh shit, just so everyone knows it is a muscle and if you don't use it over time, I'm like, I need a refresher as well. You want to be really descriptive. You want to describe things in detail, like what you're wearing. I always start with like what I love about them, what I like, and then I'd be like, I'm wearing right now like this sexy thing. I'm picturing you going down on me and picturing you like ripping it off with your teeth.

No, you have to get more descriptive than that. Like, I'm picturing you going down on me, you have to be like, I want I want you to spread my pussy lips open and take your tongue and go up and down my clit, you know, like, and then I want you to taste my moisture inside of me because my pussy juices are so sweet right now. And like, I mean, you gotta get— you can't just say go— you can't just say that.

You can't say go down on me.

You need to describe what your pussy juices taste like that day and like what you want them to do with it. And like, I don't know, you need to like really get— like, if you're gonna go for it, there's like no reason to dirty talk if it's gonna be Lame.

Do not be a lame dirty talker.

Be a lame dirty talker because you don't have to dirty talk. It's not like a law. But if you're going to do it, you know, then just talk about something else. Talk about your favorite Netflix show and have a really intense conversation about a TV show.

Or maybe like, okay, so what would you say to a guy then about him? Let's talk about you describing sucking their cock.

I mean, like I said, everybody's dynamic is different, you know. Be like, I want to suck your cock. I want to put it all the way down my throat. I I want you to come over. I want to suck your cock. I want to lick your balls. I want to stick my tongue in your asshole. I want to drink your cum. I want to be your little cum slut. I want to be on my knees while you throw my head against the wall and you just fuck my face. I want to taste your pre-cum. I want to, you know, like, what do you want to do? Like, just say it. Or like, do you want to just get, you know, or you like want to give a more sensual blowjob? I want to take my hands and stroke them up and down your cock. You know, it's also a good thing I should actually look into more. Like, look up— what is it called? Gooning, where you're like— or edging, you know?

Oh yeah, edging.

Oh, I want to like tease, you know?

So then I'm not gonna let you come. I'm gonna— yeah, I'm gonna tease you.

You know, I want to stroke your cock like I'm touching my pussy right now. Like, you know, make it so like you have to get off and he can't get off, you know, if you want to play with that and like just see how long you can kind of keep him horny. But you know, if you want to suck a guy's dick, you're not prude. So talk about —what you— how you want to suck that dick.

I love that you're going from 0 to 60 because some people are like, I'm gonna be like, I'm so wet right now, I'm thinking about you. Like, I'm thinking about you.

That's lame. So is everyone.

We're all wet right now. We're all wet. Exactly. So you have to get into the details.

Tell me more about it, you know? Oh my God, why is your wetness different from the other wetness?

But if you've never talked dirty and you're a beginner and you're sexting someone, to be like, I want you to spread my pussy lips open and taste my juices, might be a little too— I mean, Joanna, you've been doing this all along, you probably can't I can't— it's hard to scroll back to like starting.

But like, if you've had oral sex before, like describe what's going on in your head.

I'm just thinking about my listeners. What has helped me is to write about my sexual experiences and then go there because then you've already written, like you said, writing your book, it just rolls off the tongue.

I'm telling you, I did that in the very first draft of my first book when I was like, and then he went down on me and I remember my editor, which was so funny for me. I'm a porn star. I'm a porn star who's been gangbanged. I've been through many years of doing every kind of filthy act under the sun, and I have a woman who's an editor that like works at a publishing company in glasses and a skirt being like, you need to be more dirty. Do you know how weird that was for me? You're like, I am dirty.

I was like, who are you?

You know, she— and then she wrote back a descript— this complete like schoolteacher-looking woman that sits behind a desk and edits books for a living, not just sex books but other books. She was like, here's how you should write this. And I was like, oh my Lord. You know, like, so I'm telling you, you kind of have to go from 0 to 60. Like, there's really no middle ground when it comes to dirty talk. If you've given a blowjob before, like, describe what you do when you suck a dick, you know? Like, you're not gonna describe it as, 'And I suck dick,' like, or, 'And I gave a blowjob,' like, 'I licked your shaft,' 'I swallowed your cum.' Yeah, what did it taste like? Like, what, you know, did you want it hard? Did you want it soft? And if you wanted it hard, why did you want it hard? Was, like, the blood rushing in in your body that's saying more, more, you know, like, are you like grinding your crotch like, like against him because you just can't take it anymore? Like, I don't know, like these are feelings and thoughts that you already have. You just have to get them out on paper or in a cell phone or wherever.

That's it. I think you take the notes, practice, practice on your phone, writing it. And then I love the idea also of using dirty talk and practicing with sexting. Cause then let's say there's something you want to try. You could just kind of test the waters there. Like, maybe you want your partner to edge you, you want your partner to tease you. You could say, I picture, you know, you coming home and like, I'm in, you know, you tie me up and, and you won't let me come. You just explain to them what you want in detail and you try it out. And then if it doesn't happen, then, you know, maybe they weren't into it. But it's a good way to communicate when you're not looking eye to eye with someone.

Yeah, but I think either you have that kind of relationship with someone Or you don't.

But people prematurely sex because some people are just starting out and then you don't. Because I know what you're saying. I've been in relationships where it's super dirty all the time like that, and then somewhere it's just not, and I probably need to be bringing it there. And I just am like, am I really invested in this relationship? But yeah, you just fucking go there. You, you could be the leader of it. There's no blueprint because they're— they want it too, but no one knows how to do it. I hear from men, I hear from women.

But is that because of the dynamic you have with someone, or do you have— you know what I mean? Well, here's the thing. I think you're You're absolutely right.

I think sometimes we have this dynamic and your partner's like, I want you to talk dirty to me. I just said, I want to fuck you so hard. Now your turn. And you're like, well, I've never talked dirty. And they might not be giving you enough. Like they don't know what they want either. So I love the idea of people buying your book. And when they read it to each other, the words come out of their mouth. And that's a practice. If you've never said any of these words, why do you think in the bedroom where you might not be the most confident or you might be a little nervous, think that you should all of a sudden be able to be the perfect Dirty talker.

But there's two different kinds. I mean, the dirty talking with sexting is way more descriptive. Dirty talk in the bedroom is just like— I mean, I don't really say that much during sex other than fuck me, oh God, that feels good, like fuck me harder, you know?

Like, I know that's what I've defaulted to.

In the bedroom is just whatever comes to your brain, you know? And then it really will sound stupid if it's not natural to you. But dirty talk and sexting is like you're telling a story. You're telling a story.

Think of it like a story. And I love that, of breaking down a sexual experience that you had with this person or that you want to have in and get descriptive, get dirty, whatever that means to you.

That is sometimes like the tense, like you have to act like it's happening right now, you know? And then I'm going to do this and do this and like, now fuck me, now give me your cock and do this. Like, if you really are sexting, like you are having sex, right? You know, you're not like, I want you to do this. It's like, get in the moment where the two of you are like, okay, now take your hand and put it on my this. Okay, now do this. Now shove me this. Like, if you're really sexting, You're doing it, you're in the moment.

Exactly, it's happening, it is on, it is on. Oh my God, exactly. And then you're describing it, you're in it together, and then when you see each other again, it's kind of like you're having— it's sort of like foreplay. I was like, foreplay all day, like what a great way to like build up, then you know when you see each other, you'll be so that much more turned on, and it also helps to masturbate while you're actually be doing it, be doing the thing, so you're in that mindset, you're like, I am turned on and wet right now, and I'm gonna go there, It helps fill your fantasy life for sure, or build it. What about role-playing? Do you ever do any of that? I love role-playing.

I mean, I think it's, it's so much fun. I think it's especially fun for women. Give me some tips for that real quickly. We love to buy clothes, and this is an excuse to buy like different clothes to wear in the bedroom. Like, it's awesome.

I love it too. Here's one question we'll do really quickly. This is from Miranda, 28, in the UK. Any tips on dirty talk? This turns my partner on so much, but I feel I get totally tongue-tied. I feel instantly nervous and self-conscious. I find it hard to vocalize despite being a very sexually experimental and open person. Why is talking in the moment so hard? You might feel awkward at first, but you just kind of do it and then practice in the shower. Practice when you're alone. Practice when you're going for a run.

Start to just start by like moaning, you know, like some people are just too nervous to even like moan, you know, a lot of times things just come out like they do.

If you're not moaning, I love it. Start with moaning because there's some of it so self-conscious. If you're not making noise in the bedroom, like, walk before you run. Start to moan. Some women don't. I think that they're self-conscious of that as well, and they go back to your doing your own handiwork, masturbation, I think, because then you could practice when you're masturbating. Practice all of this when you're masturbating and when you're alone first so you don't feel so— so like, so she doesn't feel so nervous and self-conscious. Yeah, it's like you practice your lines before you— do you practice your lines before you do a porn porn? Of course, yeah. So you go, this is like that. You guys were like performing something, know it ahead of time. Yeah, yeah, Joanna.

It's okay, you know, like you can have good sex without dirty talking. And actually, I think too much dirty talk can be weird.

Yeah, I think that people are thinking that they just have to say something that's perfect, and literally it can be like, fuck me harder, that feels so good, your cock's so awesome. So I think also in the moment, just describe what you want. Yeah, I— what it feels like. Yeah, that's what you do in the moment. And then sexting, you get to tell your own erotic adventure. Yeah, like your book, Joanna. Yeah, it's happening. Yes, it's all happening. Make something happen. Then it becomes like fun. Like when I'm with someone in it, it's like, it's exciting, it's fun, it's a thrill, it's magical. And you get turned on. You're creating your own erotica that's going to turn you on. Then you go back and read it. This is why I always say foreplay all day, keep sex top of mind, because people just don't think about sex. They're busy, they're working, they're stressed out, and they get in the bedroom like, oh, now I have to perform. But this is such a great way to keep it going all the time when you're not with your partner. Yeah, I love it. Thank you, Joanna. This was super helpful. I'm glad you dropped in, Joanna Angel. Good, I'm glad. And I'm really— I love your— I can't wait to enjoy the book. I really did. Yeah, absolutely. We all did. I can't wait for people to get it. Thank you, Joanna. They can find you at Joanna Angel everywhere.

Yeah, yeah, just Joanna Angel on Instagram, Joanna Angel on Twitter. If you want to— you want to sext with me, sign up for my OnlyFans.

There you go. They could just sex with you and learn. I love this, Joanna. Yeah, thank you for being here. Thank you. Thank you. Buy the book, Club 42.

That's it for today's episode.

Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all @sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you have a question about sex, dating, relationships, any of it, leave a message at sexwithemily.com/ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me at feedback@sexwithemily.com. I would love to what you're thinking.