https://www.listennotes.com/e/ec4f11549f4f4bd2b1c7b38e692aadde

Skin care you sip? Here's why I'm hooked. A few months ago, I started sipping Peak's Radiant Skin Duo. And wow, my skin looked brighter, clearer, more hydrated.

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Unreal. And get this, I didn't change a single product on my shelf. Just added two sachets, and the results showed up on my face. Sun Goddess Matcha is ceremonial grade, packed with antioxidants that help firm, brighten, and support clear skin. And yes, it supports gut health too, which is so tied to how your skin looks. It's even quadruple toxin screened. Then there's Beety Fountain, my daily hydration go-to. It smooths fine lines, deeply hydrates, and gives you that plump skin glow with zero sugar or weird additives. I drink matcha in the morning, BT in the afternoon, easy, effective, and it works from the inside out. And for a limited time for Sex with Emily listeners, Peak is offering 20% off the Radiant Skin Duo, plus a free starter kit. including a rechargeable frother and glass beaker when you shop. Visit peaklife.com slash Dr. Emily and use code EMILY20 here's to healthy glowing skin from within. Let's be real, even with amazing chemistry, sometimes you just want that little extra spark. And that is why I've been loving high love from Viia. I've been telling you about them for a long time now. Oh, that's spelled V-I-I-A. It's a hemp based gummy and that's all about heightening pleasure, enhancing intimacy and helping you fully drop into the moment. I've used high love so many times I give it out at parties. I bring it everywhere because it's really just about feeling better in your body and also connecting with other people. I have to tell you, it delivers all the time. Whether I'm with a partner or just having a connected night with myself, I feel it in my body. You just feel open, I feel more relaxed. All those thoughts of the day just melt away. It's kind of like my senses just light up. I breathe deeper, I feel better, and everything just flows. So what's in it? Well, it's a beautiful blend of organic hemp and time tested aphrodisiac herbs like macaroot, damiana, horny goat weed. So originally it was a limited Valentine's Day release, but it was so popular they made it permanent. Everything's lab tested, made in the US and shipped discreetly. No medical card needed. Just Good Vibes, great ingredients and a whole new level of pleasure. If you're 21 and over, try Viya for 15 off and get a free gift with your first order. Just go to Viya.co slash Emily. That's V-I-A-A. Viya.co slash Emily and just use code Emily for 15% off and a free gift with your first order. That's Viya.co slash Emily, use code Emily.

Do you really need a high body count to be good in bed?

Is sex supposed to be spontaneous every time, or is that just movie magic?

And why are we still whispering about.

Masturbation like it's taboo? Well, in today's Thorbike episode of Sex with Emily, we're tackling someone for the biggest sex still floating around and tearing.

Them down one by one. Because the truth is, a lot of.

These outdated ideas are getting in the way of real connection, real pleasure, and real confidence.

So it's time to clear the confusion.

And set the record straight. So here's a few of the myths we're busting today. Your number defines your skills in bed.

So how many people you sleep with will define how great you are in bed.

Great sex should be effortless and just happen like that.

If someone masturbates, it means that there's.

Something wrong in your relationship. Men always want more sex than women. Orgasms are the goal of sex.

Spoiler, I'm not the only one.

So whether you believe these for years or just want to learn how to spot the BS, this episode is a reality check and a permission slip to rewrite your beliefs around sex. Because better sex doesn't start with someone else.

It starts with better information. Let's get into it. Here's the myth. Ready? The number of people you've slept with determines how good a lover you are. And if you're thinking, oh yeah, that's definitely true. If I've slept with 10 people and my partner slept with one, that makes me a 10 times better lover. or, you know, a lot of us assume that the more we do it, like, the more you go to the gym, you're, you know, you, the more reps you do, you're stronger. You're a stronger athlete, right? The more countries you visit, then you're a seasoned traveler. And the more you slept with, then you're much better at sex. I'm gonna say this is a myth. You don't have to have slept with a lot of people to be good at sex. In fact, there is no good at sex. There's no, you don't arrive to a place where you're good at sex. So we call this the body count. The body count. It's kind of grim. And if you think about it anyway, just having it branded as the body count, it's like the number of people you've killed. But really, it's the number of people you slept with. Your body count, the reality is, does not determine the quality of your lovemaking, of how good of a lover you are. Every time we have sex with someone new, it's a new experience. You might have sex with someone I've slept with and you two would have your totally different sexual experience because it's the two of you. It's not me and this person. It doesn't transfer. Sex is like cooking, right? You're together and it's the ingredients of both of you that make the sex you're having with each other. So, if you're focused on your partner in the moment, meaning that you pay attention, you know, so much of what we say during sex has nothing to do with verbal. It's our body language. Are they moving towards you? Are they moving away? Is their breath quickening? Their breath is quickening, then we know that they're aroused. And so for me, it's more about the quality sex you've had than quantity. Maybe you've been with one person, but for a long time. And in that long-term relationship, you got to understand each other's bodies. You learned how to communicate. You learned to ask for what you want. That's what makes a really great lover. It's the relationships that you've actually been able to communicate about your needs. You've had to adjust and adapt and learn to satisfy someone who might have liked something that was outside of your comfort zone. Because those skills are adaptable. Like being a good listener, being someone who's a active listener, being someone who can change their behavior over time, being someone who knows how to satisfy a partner in more ways than one. not just the bedroom. So remember, every time you're with a new partner, the reality is it's an opportunity to learn and to be a good lover. So how about that? Your numbers don't mean anything. And let me say this about the number, the body count obsession. Eventually you will get to a point where people stop asking you this, I hope. But I get why you answer. I mean, I understand. You're like, how could I not answer the number of people I've slept with? But Every time your partner is asking this, remember, they're asking to gather information. They want to gather data about who you are. They're going to use it to define you and to judge you. When I'm telling you it doesn't mean anything. So if you've had too few, that means you're not going to be a good lover. You're less experienced, too many, well then you've been out there too much. You're, you know, you're a player, you're a slut. And there's all these judgments that are made. I'm telling you it does not mean anything. It just means that you simply had sex or you didn't have sex. So what you could say is, oh, you know what? Right now, I am just focused on sex we're having. I love to live in the present. Let's talk about the sex we're having because it's incredible. That's who's talking about the past. Let's live in the future. I mean, think about ways you can answer that. You can also say, I'm really someone who's into the present. Like, I would, because what I, well, let me back up. If someone says to me, how many people have you slept with? I want to say, like, I'm thinking to myself, Could you be asking me something way more interesting right now? Like how about what kind of sex do I like? Or how about what's my idea of an incredible kiss? Or what makes great foreplay? What's my number one fantasy? What do I like to do on a long Saturday? You know, what do I like to do on a long weekend? Like those are really good questions. But the body count question just leads us nowhere fast. Here's a related myth under the body count umbrella is having a lot of sex can cause vulva owners to stretch. Like if I've slept with two So many people, if I've been penetrated that many times, my vagina is going to get looser and looser. Not true. So the reality is there's a few times in your life, the childbirth, after you have a child, yes, your muscles will become weaker and you build them up over time, you know, doing kegel exercises. And that's really when that would happen. If you pass a human out of your vagina, it's going to change. But it's not like a permanent stretch. It doesn't mean it's not going to go back. And that's why we talk a lot about strengthening your pelvic floor. and doing Kegels and there's other things you can do, but basically your number count. If you're keeping your numbers down because you don't want your vagina to stretch, you're missing out on a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure. Okay, this is from Francesca, 27 in New York City. My name is Francesca. I'm a 27 year old hetero woman and I started having sex at age 26. First and foremost, I'm enjoying it. However, oftentimes I have this feeling of not knowing what the common knowledge about sex is. I knew I started having sex later than a lot of my peers and I tried to validate myself and my reasons for doing that. And at the same time, I just don't know what I don't know. I don't have an understanding of what are the similarities my most men find pleasurable versus what's unique to each guy. In other words, how much of what you learn from one partner is transferable to another. So I worry so much about, you know, being boring or vanilla or painful if I apply too much pressure. The three partners I've been with have been very kind and reminded me that I should be more focused on myself and what I like than trying to predict what they want. But even so, I have these insecurities and feel that being more informed would help me be more confident. How can I know if I'm a good lover universally? All right, this is such a good question, Francesca. So here's the thing. First off, sounds like you're with some really attentive lovers, some really knowledgeable lovers who are saying, I want you to focus on your pleasure. I want you to focus on what feels good to you because that's what's gonna make you a great lover to all. And I would say that for all genders, and I would say that a lot of vulva owners get caught up wanting to be a good lover and they're so in the moment that every time they have sex, they're thinking about what they can do to their partner. How do I give a better blowjob? How do I handle their balls better? How do I do something different so this partner will think I am the greatest lover? That's another myth that kind of falls under this myth. This is a myth under the myth of body counts and continuing to be a great lover. But, Francesca, what makes you a great lover is when you know your body, How do you move during sex that makes you feel good? Pay attention to that. Do I like the slow kisses? Do I like when he kisses me a little more intensely? Do I like soft touch to my, do I like when he softly touches my vulva, my clitoris? Do I like when he goes faster? What kind of touch feels good? Does the pace of sex work for me? Sometimes it goes really fast and sometimes it goes slow. And I actually like when there's slow anticipation. I like that the partners who take time to address me, oh, I like the partners who compliment me and tell me how sexy I look, you know? These are the things you got to focus on because then that's going to help you feel more confident in your body. And a confident woman in bed, a confident vulva owner in bed who knows how to move and knows how to ask what she wants and how to breathe and how to calibrate, that makes you a really great lover because then you're not going to have to worry Your partner is going to be so plugged into your authentic pleasure that you're going to know what to do with their penis. Now, you probably have learned the basics. Let me back up. You won't know what to do with every penis, but there's an intuitive knowing when you are in your body and you are living your most authentic sexual self. I'm sure you've had sex with three people, so it's not going to be like a surprise. The penis won't be coming out of the ear, you know? the penis is between the legs. And what I found is that most penises like what most vulvas like. They like it to be wet, so you always should have some lube on the nightstand. Lube is so helpful. And they want a soft grip or heart. I mean, they want a grip, not soft grip, but a grip, but not too tight, not too hard. You know, no teeth doesn't feel great to everybody. And they want, like, steady pressure and arousal and touch. And so, what I'm saying is how you're learning is by experience, which is great. And listening to this podcast, this podcast has fallen to many of a great lovers because they know how to communicate, you know how to masturbate, and they know, they know that there's a lot they don't know. I'm still learning all the time, too. There's, you know what it is to transfer. What's transfer? The process of discovery, the process of learning what your partner likes. And once you become a skill, like more mindful and in touch and you can learn in just a few minutes or one session with a partner what they actually like. So, and it all goes back to paying attention and being mindful. But I would say the less you worry about what to do and if you're boring over Nilla, the more you plan, the more you focus on your own self, the better. And yeah, it does sound like your partners will probably tell you too if it's painful, if it doesn't feel good. to let you know in the moment. So just because you've slept with three people, Francesca, doesn't mean that you are ill equipped for sex. You have the tools you need with three lovers under your belt, with some really kind lovers who told you to focus on yourself. It sounds like they've been healthy experiences. And so I think that it's great that you waited. You don't have to worry about it. You don't have to justify it to anyone or explain it to anyone. But now you have three lovers and then you can see now that the I hope this is clear to you that the number of people you sleep with is not going to really teach you that much more. So you pretty much learned what you need to know and now you get to focus on yourself and healthy communication with your partner. And it's okay to ask for, does this feel good? Does this not feel good? I mean, I love talking about sex. In the moment, you can make an agreement that if something hurts or you want something specific from your partner, they can tell you and then also talk about sex after. Go to dinner after, talk about it. What was great? What worked? What didn't work? So that's you know, healthy communication and listening to sex positive podcasts like this one, reading sex positive books. We have some great, you know, at our website, we have a great blog with some books that might help you, but you're doing all the right things, Francesca, and I'm all for it. All right, the second myth, you don't need lube if you're already aroused or turned on. All right. Oh, this is also related to the myth of you should need lube if you're aroused. Spit is just as good as lube. You only need lube during penetration. Lube is just for older people who have dryness problems. All right, here's the reality. The reality is lube can make it easier to orgasm. Lube makes sex better. Lube makes sex better no matter what your body part. There's a study from Indiana University Center for Sexual Health found that lube makes it 50% easier for both genders to orgasm. and I've even read a study that say if you use lube, 80 of vulva owners are more likely to orgasm. This is why my dream, my dream is a lube on every nightstand. Get a lube on your nightstand. Remember, wetness is not an indicator of arousal. You can be dry and really turned on, and you can be super turned on and not wet at all. And it's confusing. And sometimes you're wet, sometimes you're wet. and it doesn't last that long, like you're wet for a minute and then sex starts happening, intercourse, any kind of sex, touching, you're not wet anymore. And so your wetness can be affected by so many things. You might be wet certain times a month, your menstrual cycle affects how wet you are, the certain medications like the birth control pill, ironically, antidepressants, your age can impact it, but there's no way that it means that how stressed you are, your health status, how much you, how healthy you are. So I just want to say that lube is just a game changer for sex. I will not do any kind of sex without it. You probably talk about this, but I think that there's still this notion that lube is, is this dirty little secret you got to keep under the bed and we better drag out the lube. You know, there's a problem. And I think a lot of penis owners feel offended if their partners aren't turned on or aren't wet and they assume something's wrong with me or my penis or something's wrong with my partner. Listen, if you're, if you're human, you probably do one or two things in a situation like this. You you either blame others or you blame yourself, which can't be you in for all your problems, actually. But especially this one with Lube, you probably, you know, you probably might assume something's wrong with you. So Lube is great. Exercise. Look, Lube is great, especially during oral sex. That's why I love flavored Lube. Have a flavored Lube on your nightstand as well. Get a big nightstand, people. You're gonna need a lot of different Loops. But really, just one Loop is fine for everything. However, I do love flavored Lube. System Joe makes incredible lube that I just eat for dessert. This is from Josh38, New Jersey. Hey Dr. Emily, my wife and I have been together for four years and got married quickly. We have a one-year-old and sex is great when we have it, but the issue is that my wife is very dry and it hurts her. We tried lube but can't find a good one that helps. I end up feeling bad and try to make it end quickly because I don't want to cause her pain. I don't know when it started for her, but ever since we've been together, she's been dry during sex. We talk about it, not sure what to do. All right, well, this is Josh. Oh, I'm so glad you sent in this email. This is perfect because I'm going to help you here first. Well, maybe I've already helped you. Do you understand that it'd be great for your wife to go to a doctor and to look at, like, what medications she's taking. Do any of those medications cause dryness? Should take allergy medication. Okay, antidepressants, birth control. There's a lot of things that it could be. Now, lube is great to use all kinds of lube. Silicone lube lasts a little bit longer than water-based lube. Foria makes an excellent coconut oil lube. It's coconut oil also lasts a while and has CBD in it, and they can help with pain. Foria sex oil could be great for you here. especially if there's pain. She could also get her hormones checked because loss of estrogen can happen after childbirth and this is when a lot of women have pain. She could be starting perimenopause. But you're saying she's been dry during sex ever since you've been together. Was she ever, does she remember a time in her 20s when she was more wet? What happens when she masturbates? Does she masturbate? Does she get aroused? Does she have orgasms? Does she have other kind of pleasure? So there's a lot to explore here. So let's get into like talking about your sex life with her. What are her turn-ons? When does she feel most aroused? How about when you go down on her? Does that make her feel good? So sure, she genuinely might Not, we don't know if she's having pleasure. What I'm saying is, if it's dry and hurts, so you need to stop and figure out how she's not dry. Because also remember, when you're too dry and you've sex without lube, you tear, there's tears, and then that could also cause STD, you know, transfer an STI, transfer an infection. So get her hormones checked, have her go to a doctor, and let's find out what does feel good to her, what her turn-ons are. All right? Because that's just gonna help with everything. Knowing that she actually wants to have sex and it can feel good to her. And remember, a lot of pleasure for a vulva owner doesn't necessarily have to do with penetration. So if it's painful for you to penetrate her, you could also tease her nipples. Nipplegasms are a thing. Play with her inner thighs. Go down on her clitoris without internal stimulation. So have some fun figuring this out with her, Josh. Okay? Take your time, figure it out, ask some questions, and let me know how it goes. Myth number three, sex isn't good if you don't have an orgasm, which is obviously the goal of sex. The reality? Orgasms are extremely pleasurable. They are. Love them. But they are not the only measure of a successful sex session. Some other related myths to this, all orgasms feel the same. Orgasms are always achieved through penetration. You know, that an orgasm just signifies the end of successful sex. Listen, pleasure and orgasm are not the same thing. Orgasm can happen and an orgasm is extremely pleasurable. But pleasure, pleasure is about the journey. Pleasure is the journey along the path. Pleasure is connection and touch and intimacy. You know, and sometimes we focus so much on wanting to orgasm, we miss out on fully experiencing pleasure with our partners. We really do. And remember, the goal of sex is about connection and learning and figuring out your partner. And for some couples, I think they confuse penetration. They confuse sex with... Every time they use the word sex, they think it's... We're talking about penetration. And it is true that sex and orgasm are sort of synonymous, that we think if you had an orgasm, you had sex. If you had sex, you must have had an orgasm. But that's because, again, we define sex as PV sex, penis goes into vagina. And the focus is around the male's orgasm. Just remember that being focused on orgasm is not necessarily a problem. Like, I think it's just that what I've seen it more so than not is that it becomes a problem. It becomes a problem when we only focus on orgasm and we define sex by orgasm. And I'm telling you, you can have, if you know never have orgasms. That's a problem. If you're like, nope, I never ever have orgasms, well then I want to know, like, how much have you tried to have an orgasm? Because you want it to be possible, right? But there's something amazing that happens when you're like, I'm just going to focus on pleasure right now. I'm going to focus on how it feels with my partner's hands on my body. I'm going to focus on how it feels to make out with my partner, how it feels to see him naked, how it feels, you know, all these different things. And you'll find that when you turn your attention away from obsessing on orgasm, obsessing about orgasm, you are more likely to have an orgasm and you're more likely to focus on sensations and to understand what actually feels good and you're more likely to be present. A lot of us disassociate during sex. We're focused on something that happened in the past, something that's not happening in the moment. We're focused on what our partners want and the last thing we're focusing on is our own body and our own pleasure. So there you go. Take orgasm off the table or the focus of orgasm and focus on the pleasure, okay? Here's an email question from Taylor 35. 3 in California. Dr. Emile, I'm not sure if I've ever had an orgasm and it seems impossible to do so. I've listened to your show for a while and tried a lot of things you discuss. My partner is patient and has also tried to work with me. We've spent hours on this. I get close, but then I seem to lose it. Or maybe I do reach climax, it just doesn't feel fulfilling. I require a lot of stimulation and a lot of pressure, but then it's almost like everything just goes numb and my body turns off. I'm not sure what to do next or where to go. I feel like I'm just incapable of orgasm. Okay, Taylor, if you probably aren't sure that you haven't had an orgasm, maybe you haven't. And your partner is trying to work with you. Have you tried to work with it? Have you tried on your own to work on having an orgasm? And you're saying that you require a lot of stimulation and pressure. A lot of us require a lot of stimulation and pressure. And when you say that your body's going numb, it goes numb and your body turns off, is that because you're just focusing on your pressure, focusing on the stimulation in the moment? I would say you're not capable of orgasm. I would say you're pre-orgasmic, which means you haven't gotten there yet. And it sounds like, I love that you're working on it with your partner, but sometimes we need to figure it out on our own without a partner. So I encourage you to take some time alone, masturbate, take a bath, take a shower, figure out your own body and what feels good. Spend 10 minutes a day or three times a week for an hour exploring the mirror between your legs and using some lube and same. What feels good to me? Maybe it's a lot of stimulation and pressure. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's slow touch. Only you are going to be able to figure that out. So what I'm hearing is your partner's patient, but are you patient? Are you patient with yourself? Are you patient that takes time? You know, some women have orgasms a lot easier. It has to do with their literally the way they were born, their Anatomy, how close their clitoris is to their vaginal opening. It's literally the how you're born. Like, you've long legs, you have shorter legs, you have your clitoris is closer to your vaginal opening. It's all the same. So that's why those people have it. But for you, you know, for people who don't, we get more in our heads. And is it gonna happen? Is it not gonna happen? And so I need you to focus. Go mindful, focus more on your own body and your own orgasm and practice on your own. Or tell your partner you need more time to slow, because I don't like that you are going numb. That means to me that your body's turning off sun's disassociating that you're just focusing so hard on one thing. But there's a process of letting go when we're mindful or just letting go to what feel what we're feeling in the moment. We're paying attention to our senses. What does it feel like with my partner's finger on my clitoris? I'm hearing my breath. You know, I'm smelling this candle and it smells really good. And I'm, you know, I focus yourself in the moment with a mindful practice. You'll get there. I promise you. You're not incapable of orgasm. You got this, Taylor. Number four, the myth is you can become addicted to using a vibrator. Other people say a related myth is it can cause your body to become desensitized to stimulation. You'll no longer be able to orgasm without using one. And no, the reality is vibrators can bring you a whole lot of pleasure. There's something called an orgasm gap, and a lot of vulva owners are unable to orgasm in general. especially with their penis-having partners who orgasm a lot quicker than they do. And toys help you explore your body. They can help you have orgasms. They can help you explore your body and find other pleasure parts that feel good. There are so many erogenous zones in our body that, you know, our hands just won't get to, right? They won't be able to reach those areas. Now, to address this addiction part, sure, if you keep orgasming the same way with the vibrator every time in the same position, Yeah, I would say that you're more, you're not addicted. Your body has become used to a pattern that you repeat every time you want to orgasm. You go into pleasure yourself and you repeat a pattern. You know, we're all creatures of habit, right? Like, I have a pattern every time I, you know, come home, open the door, put my keys in the bowl, walk in the house, walk the dog. Like, we get into patterns and we don't even think about it. But we brush our teeth is the same. We do that with masturbation. So, I would say if you're worried about this though, just bring in your hand and start masturbating with your hands and every other time work in your hands. But I don't think that there's, it's not like a lesser of an orgasm if you use a vibrator. It doesn't make it a bad orgasm, it's a different orgasm. And vibrators are good for us too. Remember, the sex we get sex, the more orgasms we have, the more orgasms we're gonna want. And for many of us, It's easier, it's efficient. We can explore our bodies. We know we're going to have an orgasm. And vibrators aren't just for solo play. In fact, partners can benefit from it. So there was a study that actually came out. Our friend Justin Lehmiller, Miller, did a study. And he said 71% of couples said that vibrators improve their sex life. And I love this study. You can check out more in a podcast I did with him where he talks about a lot of these myths and a lot of studies that have shown A lot of what we believe about sex is untrue. It's called kink and casual sex with Justin Lehmiller. But these people all got, these couples all got vibrators to use for two weeks. They had to use it every time they texted for two, three weeks. And guess what? After that point, they all wanted to use a vibrator all the time. They're like, We love this vibrator. And remember, vibrators are great for penis owners as well. They feel incredible on the shaft. the balls all over. I mean, it's a vibration. Vibrations feel good all over our body. Like our head feels good. Vibrated, scratched, touched. So I would just. Yeah. So the reality is vibrators are part of a healthy sex life. All right. I have an email from Melissa 30 in Chicago. Hey, Dr. Emley, I'm using a rabbit vibrator. And when I'm orgasming, when I'm orgasming, it's almost a paralyzing feeling. And it's so, so intense. But I never had that feeling when having sex with my husband. Is this a different type of orgasm? What's this feeling? Is this normal? I'm very new to self pleasure. All right, well, okay, so the orgasm that you have with a vibrator sometimes is different than the orgasm you're gonna have with a penis. It's different than an orgasm you're gonna have with your hand. And there's lots of different ways to orgasm. So you're talking about a rabbit vibrator, which is a dual stimulation vibrator, which means part of it goes inside of you and then part of it is stimulating your clitoris externally and then there's an internal part. And so that means that all of those nerve endings are being stimulated at once, which, you know, think about like a think about a massage, like you could get a massage with one masseuse, but you could have one masseuse massaging your back and another one's massaging your feet. And maybe there's a third massaging your head. I feel pretty good. well, think about it that way. So your rabbit vibrator is hitting all the right spots, it's vibrating, and it's all happening at the same time. It's great. It's intense. I love it. Have you had your husband hold the vibrator so he can see this kind of incredible orgasm you have? That's really hot, too. I think that we think that we tell our partners about our vibrators, or maybe we have told them. that they get threatened. But what I have found is that, and what a lot of you have found, is that when you actually bring your partner into the experience, they become part of the experience with you, they're like down. They're like, that is hot. I love watching you with that much pleasure. Can we please bring this toy every time we're together all the time? And it's a really beautiful thing to see your partner to have pleasure and ecstasy. Now, there's sure there are partners you might say, oh, I wish she reacted to my penis like that. You know, I wish it was the same. And I understand that that can feel like somehow inferior or like you're not doing enough. But I don't think that your partner's thinking that. Like think about technology. Think about all the ways that technology has shaped our lives for the better in many ways. Makes things more efficient, more intense, so we can get on to other things. So I think what I'm saying here is that, yes, it's a different type of orgasm. If you're not having this feeling with your husband, I would also say, does he know what feels good to you? You're going to have a different kind of intense experience with your husband. Maybe you're not orgasming with his penis. and maybe that's your question as well. But a lot of times we go, we, we need to just then slow down. If you're having sex with your partner, with your husband, are there different positions you could try? A lot of women go really fast during sex. Like, they move really fast. And maybe there's, like, a slower sort of. Maybe you're on top and you really are trying to feel him in your body and you're, you know, moving in different positions and you're talking about what feels good. So I would play around with it. I would also say that you know, I love that you're having intense orgasms. I think that's great. And just have fun playing with your partner and seeing what kind of dynamic that can bring, what kind of pleasure you can have with your partner. So remember that. It's not all about the orgasm. Okay, last but not least, the myth anal sex is always painful. Oh, and it's only for gay men. Oh, gosh, listen. oh, some other related myths. If you are a straight man, but you have, you have something in your anus, it must mean that you are now gay. It makes you dirty or slutty. It's bad for you. You. So tips for exploring, you know, safely and pain-free is just to go slow. You can explore with yourself on your own during masturbation. Explore with your partner, communicate about it, talk about it, go slow. You want to breathe a lot. I mean, if it's painful, it's probably because you are not Going slow and breathing and using lots of lube and communicating what you need with your partner, that's when it gets painful. It gets painful when it's unexpected. No one wants surprise anal. Here's the thing, all men penis owners have a prostate and it's in their anus and it feels amazing. It's kind of like the female G-spot. And when penetrated, it feels great. It can feel, I mean, penis owners I know who have played with it, they have incredible orgasms beyond orgasms, next level orgasms. They have great pleasure. It's sort of like their bonus button. They're like, I have no idea. The reason why is because for so many years we thought it was only for gay men. And I don't, you know, there's a lot of, you know, many states, it's outlawed. They outlaw anal sex. They out, you know, I understand they also outlaw, you know, homosexuality. However, anal sex is great for all genders. It does not listen. You know what? You know how I know if you're gay? You might, if you, well, if you tell me you're gay, then you're gay. I'm gonna take your word for it. But if you sleep with men and you're a man, if you sleep, if you have a penis and you like to be with other penises, I'd say, yeah, okay. Then if you say you're gay, then you're probably gay. But a sex act is not going to make you gay. It's not going to define your sexuality. Okay, so if you want to know more about anal, though, because you know I love talking about anal, you have to check out our recent podcast. It's called seducing the booty with Alicia Sinclair. So please check that one out. We talk so much about anal. All your anal, you're actually your top anal questions are answered in that episode. And remember, if you are searching for prostate, you want to play anally, play with your anus. We love B Vibe. They make incredible all things anal. They're be like all things butt, butt plugs. It's a great way to explore, you know, what you like and what you don't like. And all the owners, too, with anal play, you can have new sensations. You can, you know, a lot of, a lot of mobile owners have orgasms that way. And there's just a lot of play to together. Think about anal play is just expanding your sexual repertoire. there's so much fun to be had and it seems sad to have like a like a like a do not enter sign for your entire life over your anus. Just try it, see if you like it. Okay, question here. This is from Nicole25. Dr. Emile, first, thank you for all of your advice. I started listening to your podcast and it's changed my life. My husband and I have been together for almost eight years, married for two of them. He's the only man I've ever slept with and at the beginning it was so exciting and new. But as time went on we got into a super boring routine of sex. I had no drive to have sex. But since listening to your podcast, I changed my birth control and I masturbated for the first time ever. OMG, it's been amazing. And honestly, I don't think I've ever had an orgasm until nine months ago. We did your guest no maybe list and we both checked yes to toys. We now have several We-Vibe toys that we've grown to love and our sex life is thriving. It's seriously so much fun. In the last week or so, he's been getting adventurous and starting to explore butt stuff. We're going super slow about this, like you suggested, and I think it's going well. The question is, how do I ask him if he wants me to touch him anally? I've heard about the men's prostate and how awesome it could be, but I'm scared he's going to say hell no. Thanks again. Any advice would be appreciated if you use lots of Lube. Oh my God, I love this, Nicole. I'm so happy that you've learned so much from this show and that you have really been Taking it slow and understanding each other's bodies and did the yes, no, maybe list. All right. So I think simply you could talk about it next time you guys are out to dinner and say, God, I've been thinking about our sex life lately. And I would love to, how would you feel if I started put a finger in your ass or your anus or however you want to say it? you could also, in the moment, when you're both turned on, you don't want to surprise him there, but you could start to take a finger and you could look at him, you could start to rub externally, like you could start to actually start with his perineum, which is in between the anus, your ass, the anus opening, and the balls. So think about the taint they call it, perineum. And you can start to apply pressure there and see how he reacts. start applying direct pressure and then you can start to move your hand, like does that feel good? And hell no, hell no. I wouldn't do it with your finger yet, but you could start to trace outside of his anus and see how that feels. You have a lot of nerve endings. So there's a lot of playing to do there. And so I would ask him, you guys have been together eight years or just start to tease them together. Just say, I want to know if this feels good to you. I think it would be really hot to explore. Maybe he's been dying for you to ask. Maybe he's like, when is she gonna do it to me? so I love that you're asking. You guys sound like you're in a really good place. Keep exploring, keep having fun. Keep that leave out.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex With Emily. And if you loved the show, please, like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just Spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all @sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you have a question about sex, dating, relationships, any of it, leave a message at sexwithemily.com/ask. And hey, Was it good for you? Email me at feedback@sexwithemily.com. I would love to hear what you're thinking.