https://www.listennotes.com/e/ff2f3b4ed6944017b008b052bb38c611

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Yes.

Right? Are you afraid of commitment or just afraid of being trapped? Is it possible to crave intimacy but still panic when things get serious? Can you be sort of committed, like two months at a time with a pause button? And what if commitment isn't about restriction at all, but about release? In today's episode, we're getting real about the C word: commitment. Not just in love, but in life, in routines, in relationships, and what it means to say yes without feeling like you're saying no to everything else. We're unpacking why so many of us feel boxed in by the idea of forever, why we inherit so many myths about commitment, control, and freedom, and how we might start to reframe commitment not as a prison, but as a practice. My co-host today is Dr. Scott Lyons. He's a dear friend and a licensed holistic psychologist, body-based trauma expert, and author of Addicted to Drama. He's helped over half a million people worldwide break free from stress, trauma, and drama through his signature somatic approach. This episode is part self-reflection, part confessional, and totally validating if you've ever felt torn between closeness and autonomy. So whether you're a full-on commitment phobe or just curious about rewriting the rules, this one's for you. Let's get into it.

Emily, I want to start this episode with something kind of confrontational.

All right.

I think you have commitment phobia, and I want to talk about it.

Say more about that.

Are you committed to talking about it?

I'm in.

All right, on a scale of 1 to 10, how is like, what's your ease with commitment in relationships? In relationships. In relationships.

In relationships. I've dabbled in commitment.

I've dabbled in commitment.

Yeah. Yeah. I think about committing to a lot of things. I know that that's been a common theme.

Yeah.

Like putting a stake in the ground. Like, like last night, like I committed to two months of yoga, but I knew we could get out of it. Like it was a year long, but you, they were like, you can renegotiate after two months or you can, Cancel for two months or you can put it on hold. That was my kind of commitment that you can reevaluate the agreement.

Okay.

After two months, you can take three months off and then you could come back to it. Like that's my kind of commitment, intermittent commitment.

I love that. I love that for you. That intermittent commitment is your type of commitment. I just because commitment usually has like this like through line, right?

That's the problem with it.

That's the problem with commitment. It's so consistent. It's so consistent. Ooh, it makes me so mad. I think, I mean, so the commitment, the Latin root for it is togetherness. It has two different roots. It brings in the word, com. Com.

Com.

Com.

Com. Not com.

Not com. Although maybe. Com, com. So together. And then the rest of the word, like, mitten, is derived from the idea of like letting go. So it is like coming together to let go.

-Yes.

-And release into each other, which I love as an idea.

-Okay. So say more about that, how that would look in this scenario.

-I think for you, -I think mitten often for people feels like, not, I mean, a good chunk of people, trapped, subjugated, prison.

Yeah.

And I think it also means about like, how do we yield into each other?

How do we really work on every, how do we become better as one, release what's holding us back together and do all the work? So like you're actually letting go into the safety.

You're letting go into each other, into the idea of being together. Yeah. Together. Together. I know. What does that bring up for you?

Well, okay, I hear like, we're gonna merge, we're gonna become one, we're gonna share each other's names, we're gonna be in the same bed every day for the rest of our lives. That to me seems really intense, but all that pressure and all that thing on one person, 'cause most people haven't totally cleared out all the expectations of what that role's gonna be, that person has to fill. So I think that merging to me makes me, doesn't feel like it works. I think it needs to be tinkered with. I like the idea of releasing, letting go. What would you say, the coming together?

Yeah, not coming together, but you know, that's a mess. I've done it.

Same time.

Yeah, same time.

It's easier for men.

It's easier for men.

So, unfortunately.

Yeah. But we're talking about a different version of coming together.

So, coming together, I like, in theory, I think we all want that when we think about it, like, oh, we released, we came together, we feel this safety and- Security. Security.

Like steadiness, like you know what's on the horizon. And I think that's a big part of Commitment, like, I mean, I love commitment. I'm into it in terms of relationship. It gives me a sense of like, it reduces my anxiety. It fucking reduces my anxiety. Okay, so for you, it's so interesting, right?

This is the same side of the same coin, though. For you, it makes you feel safe.

Yeah.

And more connected to someone. You've less anxiety when you know that someone's in.

When we're in, when we're releasing, when we're in it together.

However, and... -How much safety... How do you know though? Like you commit to someone and then there's all this doubt and there's problems and there's things.

-Well, that's the thing. It's like when you're committed to someone, the idea is that even in the challenging times, the love is the bond or the togetherness is the bond that can withstand any challenges and- -Janet does it. -I mean, try it.

Try it.

But it's interesting because I like asking people, What does it mean for them? And seeing like, what's their body response? Like, when you talked about like merging, like your voice got tight.

Yeah.

And you got kind of New Yorker. That's not true. I just said that for dramatic.

Don't make me commit. No, because I think it can feel like a loss of freedom.

Oh, my gosh.

And I know that the patterning comes from this childhood need so that I was always going to be in charge. You can't rely on anybody. I'll be trapped. So therefore, I got to go it alone. And if I go it alone, that's how I can survive. But if I commit to somebody and we're on a path together, then I can't like that. I don't have evidence of that being a successful thing. I haven't. I haven't had experience, haven't modeled successful commitment. So it would make sense that. And with my. Having to always feel like I had to take care of everything and do the things that was, it feels like I won't be able to have as much. I feel like when I'm just with my individually, I have more power and freedom and creativity and aliveness and pleasure when I'm alone and when I'm not committed. But that's not necessarily true completely, but that's the feeling makes me feel like I'm gonna have a loss. There'll be like a loss of myself.

Yeah. It sounds like commitment and codependency kind of got over coupled. Like when you're having to give up yourself and you have to be in charge of you're the parentified child, like meaning like you're doing the things that a parent should do or you're taking care of other people and or you're seeing that kind of misshaped commitment.

It's a misshapen. Yes.

Right? It's miserable. And then we want to do the opposite. Like, my dad as a kid loved avocado. Like, when I was a kid, he loved avocados, and I hated them because he liked them. And it's like the same thing we do as like, when we see our parents and we're like, that's what commitment looks like. Yeah. Fucked. Yeah. I'm going to do the other thing.

Which is maybe intermittent commitment. Well, it's funny because, okay, so this goes back to the origin. Like, yeah, early on, I saw my parents, like, they would kept getting married, divorced, married, divorced. I attended four of my parents' weddings before I was 25. I thought that only parents got married. I literally was like, that was like a family affair. Every year someone gets married. I hadn't been to other like, I didn't have cousins who got married. It was like literally parents. So I know that's my early conditioning, which was a very, very long time ago. And I've had many, many years to be in relationships with others. And while they've been some committed, I think they're all good. They've been fine. Good. It didn't feel my best. best version of myself for me to fully, with what commitment is traditionally meant. Yeah, like I can commit, but the whole commit, okay, here's my think about commitment.

Tell me.

The right kind of commitment, the right kind of commitment could work for anybody, but I don't, you know how we talked about last week on that we talked about cheating and how people don't actually define what constitutes cheating and affairs and a relationship. People also don't discuss What does our commitment mean? Like, I think we make assumptions we're going to move in together. And it sounds to me like you're saying you want to move in, you want to build a home, you want to feel safe, you want that. I've learned that like I think I could be committed, but also have separate homes. Like I could be committed, but separate bedrooms. I'm someone who requires a lot of space because when I get enough space and then I come together with a person, it's much, I can be much more myself and much more open to everything, but The way my life is as a creative woman who requires a lot of different things that don't include partners in my life to be the best version of myself. If commitment is like, yeah, we see each other once a week. We go on vacations together. We, it's on the weekends only, or it's every other week. For now, in this stage of life, those kind of commitments look good. But that whole, like, you're going to become married, you're going to become one, you're going to have kids, you're going to have 2.2 kids, and then you're going to move in together. And then, of course, well, probably before the kids, but then eventually you're definitely not gonna want to have sex together. You become best friends and, all you're gonna want to do is try to figure out how to get away from that person. And then sex becomes something of a.

You have a story of what commitment turns out to be. And you are relaying that story. I'm gonna, I'm gonna push back a little bit on that because I think like, if that's the narrative or the fairy tale of what commitment looks like, of course any sense of that is going to like trigger you. or any of us. And what's the stats? Like 45% of people have commitment phobia or some type of aversion to commitment. That's huge.

And it says more men than women have commitment phobia?

Yeah, significantly more men.

Significantly more men, which I first doubted, but I think that it comes up in different ways, though, too. Because you could also say that you're craving commitment, but once you're in that commitment, what happens that doesn't sustain it?

I had a client who was very polyamorous. I think he at one time had 30 partners. And that is a huge division of one's energy, emotion, and intention. And he came into my office because he's like, I'm always sick. And like, I always have a sore throat. Or I always. Yeah, syphilis will come around.

No, no, no.

Syphilis.

He's tired.

Did you say syphilis?

Yeah, it's a good one.

Syphilis. He's tired. What was interesting is when we started saying, like, how much energy and emotion and tension is reserved for you. And he was like, well, none. And I was like, well, then how do you expect your immune system to take care of you? And so it was like this whole thing about like restoring his own resources back to him and then realizing how much did he actually have for other people and who was the priority that he was willing to commit that energy, emotion, and attention to.

Yes, that makes so much sense because this is the problem. Then I think the challenge is that often happen with commitment, including with myself, is that if that person's getting, let's say, the 15% or 20% of most of your time, if you are not giving it to yourself, give it to yourself. And what I was saying that I- that's the codependency. -that I can live with somebody in the same proximity every day and give to myself.

Yes.

I don't know how to do that.

Yes.

As somebody who feels like I'm still figuring out how we coexist and live together, that maybe not living together, but also having it clear about how we actually are committed.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Well, I mean, I think there's several origins. I think people typically blame the attachment style too easily. And people typically say, oh, if you have an avoidant attachment, that means you're commitment phobic. And there is relevance to that because, like, with a more avoidant stance or avoidant attachment style, Like you've created a wall of protection. So it's really hard to deepen into relationship and commit to that if when you start to lessen the wall, it triggers a sense of being unsafe. And that's what an avoidant attachment really is. And like fuck it, if you have an anxious attachment style, you're also not finding it easy to commit because you're over committing to someone and under committing to yourself.

Right?

And that is an anxious style too, which means that if you are not home to be in relationship to someone, you are not actually committing to the relationship. You are committing to try to keep them around in a way that disregards your own needs.

-So in both cases, you are kind of disregarding. You are always guessing disregarding your own needs. -Yeah.

-Because no one ever met your needs as a kid, and that is what developed the insecure attachment style.

To begin with. So this is why we're all working out our childhood and our relationships.

Yeah.

Like at what point do we just accept it? Like I'm clearly avoidant. Like I literally broke up with my last boyfriend. Yeah. And I knew I was avoidant, but I hadn't really dug deeper. I'm on TikTok, as one does. And I'm watching this video and this girl comes on and she's like, Hey, here's the story about how my boyfriend of three months completely blindsided me. Yeah. And broke up with me on Saturday.

Yeah.

And people are like, oh, we're all in and like thousands of views. She's like, okay, so we were dating for three months and he was very emotionally aware, emotionally mature. We've had a check in every Sunday in our relationship to say that like, how we doing and whatever. He's just wanted me to meet his family and all the signs were there for three months. He was going to be committed. And he was in it. And then yesterday he came over to my house and he said, you know what? I just don't think that we're compatible. I don't really see this working. I think we're great. And so everyone in the comments was like, Avoid it! Avoid it! Dump him, avoid it! Meanwhile, I had used that said that same thing to my boyfriend when I broke up with him.

So the big question is, what's avoidance and what's intuition about what's not compatible? Or what's like, you know what I mean?

Yes.

Like, so- maybe you and fill in the blank of Your last boyfriend's name. And- John. John.

John.

And maybe you weren't compatible.

We weren't though. But the thing is, I'm like, okay, I see your point. But we were not compatible.

We were not compatible.

But yeah, and I'm at this point in life where it's like, I'm fine with it.

But on the flip side is also what you said earlier. Over committing when you're not compatible too. And that's part of a commitment issue too. It's not just the inability to commit.

To be honest, I don't think he listens. Not that matters.

Who doesn't listen?

John? John.

I just wanted to test you if you remembered his name.

Is that, yeah. Because this is what we've been talking about so much lately.

Yeah.

We know, I knew, I knew, I knew. Like I was like, right on, like there were so many red flags and then he was like, into it, pressure, we should move in together, we should do these things. And I overread my own my own power, my own decision making thinking, like, maybe I should move in with somebody. This is something I have not done.

Yes.

I haven't tried it. I didn't check all the references, check the compatibility things, and then I knew right away, oh, this is it. So is that commitment issues? Is that avoidance? Is it compatibility? There's so many other layers to it. You can be, what am I saying? Avoidant, but also learn to work through it with people that you're actually compatible with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%.

If you're checking the- yeah.

If you are committed to a growth mindset with a partner, even if there's challenges, then that's a form of progress. Or that's, you're going to have a better chance if there's compatibility in that way. If you are like, I want to have a, I want growth, I want to work through my triggers around intimacy. and that other partner doesn't, and they're not interested in understanding your inner life of what's happening within you as you get triggered, then no, it's not compatible.

That's a really good point because do you find that you have had partners? Because to me, it's very important, I think, for many of us to be seen. I hear that often all the time. Be like, I didn't feel seen. I didn't feel seen. And when you've, I think you've said this, when we feel seen by somebody like, I truly know you see you. I know what you want. I'll buy you the right beef jerky. Yeah. And, and so , which sorry, I did, but is that like, that's what we want. So in a way, that's a skill set too. Like not everybody is as big, because they don't really see themselves. So yeah, that's a little bit, that's really, you know, important too, to be like somebody who's gonna do the work with you. Some people are like, I, I'm not even interested. Like, why do you have to go to the inner world? Why do you have to look at all that stuff? Can't we just have fun or can't we just. you always want to talk about.

But that is someone who is not willing to commit. To commit to getting to know someone, to commit to the deepening of relationship. Commitment means releasing into the layers, right? And if someone is like, why can't we just keep it fun? And why do we have to talk about your needs? Because that is the ingredients for committing and deepening into the intimacy that is possible with someone. And if they're not, cool, they're not actually committed.

Yeah. I think that we're saying the same thing then in a way, because any kind of relationship format, a commitment doesn't have to mean, I guess, doesn't have to mean what we thought that it means. But I'd love a commitment that we are committed both to the same thing, whatever that looks like, whatever that relationship structure looks like.

Yes.

We are committed to that same thing together.

Like 62% of Gen X cannot commit because they're waiting for the perfect partner.

Yes.

And so like we see all these other things besides the attachment issues, they're waiting for the perfect partner or we can also talk about the exhaustion of choice.

And do you, I wonder if that's just specific to Gen X, but just cuz we have these stats, what is the perfect partner? How do you even know what the perfect partner is? Does the perfect partner exist? But then if there's so many choices, which with the never ending scrolling, you feel like you don't ever really have to choose. So the bigger, better deal, the perfect partner's around the corner.

Yeah. That's the problem with the gamification of dating now, is that we're always like, I'll just keep swiping because the better person might be next. And it shows up in our commitment levels because it's like, okay, well, I'm on a date, but what if the date tomorrow is even better?

Yeah. FOMO.

FOMO. Total FOMO of the potential future that's probably not going to happen.

FOMO of my future ex-boyfriend.

Yeah. And so there's this interesting thing on choice theory that if you give someone more than three choices, they get exhausted and they usually shut down. And we have like essentially unlimited choices when we're on dating apps, right?

Yes.

And we're talking to maybe multiple people at the same time, typically more than three. And the exhaustion levels gets so high and we start to shut down and we call that commitment issues, but we're frozen from having too much choice.

Yes.

And that's an important distinction.

Absolutely. Too much choice. too much gamification of it, too much dopamine going like, almost like commitment won't feel as exciting. It doesn't. Because you're always getting something new, you're always meeting someone new, so it's really just not set up that way. And a lot of kids coming from divorce, right? In this generation too, Gen X's parents might have been divorced or they haven't seen it either. And they're not dating, and they're also not having sex.

Yeah.

So they're not even having the intimacy or sex, Gen Z. They grew up during, you know, COVID.

Yeah.

They were in high school or they.

Were, a lot of them were like.

I think they're having sex. I don't think they're having so much sex.

Really?

Yes. That's every day.

There's a story about, like, the sex drought.

The sex drought. Wow. But anyway, it's harder to. I think that they're just growing up slower when it comes to sex. Like, it's a little bit less, like, confident. Confidence, connection. Not just walking up to anybody and meeting them and talking to them. It's all through an app. And there's anxiety with that. Okay. And then on the heels of the whole me too movement, I think that there's a lot of younger men and women who are just like, I I'm afraid of being sued. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Interesting.

And so I think, and then porn, I think there's been all these layers into sex and dating with Gen Z that's made it harder as well.

I think also, I mean, I wanna go back to this idea of the perfect partner, because there is no perfect partner. What does that even mean? It's like a fantasy versus reality.

Dr. The reality is there's so much, there's so much pressure and commitment and standards put on finding this perfect person that's gonna check all these boxes. And sometimes even the boxes aren't, if you're not someone who has a growth mindset around sex and wants to process sex and relationships and dating, then that's not your person either. So, yeah, I think that we don't even know sometimes what we want until we get into a messy relationship and we're like, oh, I'm definitely gonna need that next time.

Yeah, there has to be enough overlap on the Venn diagram of values for-.

Where do you start then? Values, Venn diagram?

I think values like, do we have a shared set of values? Do we have a shared set of ideas of where our future could be? You know, do we respect each other? I think those are really good places to start.

Respect is important.

Right? And those things grow over time, right? I mean, I respected you from the moment I met you. and you inspired me and all of those things that I find really important as far as a relationship goes. But it deepens too. And so there's this idea that I meet you, we go on a first date, you are perfect, as opposed to we learn and grow and discover each other and develop and into more perfection.

I feel like with friendships, I have committed deeply. Yeah. Because I said this to my friend the other day. I said, do I have commitment issues? We were talking about this and she's like, why do you say that? I said, she said, would you friends? I'm like, I've had the same friends for 30, 40 years. 20, 30, I'm the most incredible friend, aunt, everything, godmother. But in the relationships part of it, I feel more trepidation about it. But I feel it's because I was never fully created the relationship that I actually wanted within a intermittent commitment. Oh, within intermittent commitment, whatever it is. Condefining the commitment. I think I've never been typical per. I've never been the typical woman who wanted the typical things. And I think for so long, I was still trying to fit into that because it fell out somehow not right the way that I was. Yeah. And while I still think I've shutted that, which it still comes up sometimes, so I want to proudly say that I'm pretty clearly right now, you know, who I am and know what I want.

Yeah.

And we'll create that kind of relationship around it, whether it has a standard level of commitment or not.

I hear that. And I appreciate your transparency because I think there's a lot of people. I mean, if 42 of women have commitment issues and then the other percentage experiencing being with someone or dating people who had that commitment and I think we might want to give them a little advice and support. So, what would you say to someone if I came to you and I said, Emily, I'm in all these situationships. Because the rise of the situationship is massive. Hinge said there's like 52% of people they surveyed said they were in situationships, meaning uncommitted Relationships. Yeah. And so if I came to you and I'm like, Hey, I just keep finding myself with people who won't commit, who seem to do the situationship thing. What would you say to me?

I would say, okay, well, there's a reason we tend to blame, like all these situationship people are coming up out of nowhere, but you are actually part of the situationship. You're part of the situation.

How dare you.

So I think it's because we're like, I don't want to commit or I'm just going along with the situationship. People think they're attracting all of these, like, oh, why do I get all these people? What are we doing that's making that, recreating that situation? So if I would say, you,'re not happy about the situationship, what is kind of relationship do you actually want? I just think being super clear. And I think people are afraid to be clear about what they really want because then no one's going to want them. But it's like only the people who want what you want are going to watch you, and isn't that what you want?

Yes.

-Right.

-I love that clarity. I love that boundary. I mean, it is hard. I think that is one of my favorite new lines, is they are just not my person.

-Yeah.

-Before, I think so many of us, including myself, would be like, oh, they have this attachment style and I can teach them and I can fix them and I can convince them that I am good enough or whatever it is. But to simply say, They are just not my person.

-It is not a person.

Not my person.

Well, here's the other thing you have to remember that whenever I feel this way about friendships, and I probably said this before, but the people in my life that are the closest people to me, and I mean friends, chosen family, the second I met them, within the first few minutes, hour meeting this person, we knew pretty clearly on that we were going to be friends. We felt a connection. And the ones that have been around, we both nurtured it. Yeah. And you just knew, I never had a doubt. You and I right away, we knew each other. A lot of my friends are like that. So these people that we date and we're not so sure what happened in high school, we should maybe they'll grow and we know. We know. So to me, that evidence in every other area of my life is enough information to realize that when I'm in this romantic situation, there shouldn't be all these like waiting for them to show up and waiting for them to suddenly fix themselves and get better.

But I also want to, I want to Do a shout out for the people who have been dating someone or investing in someone for a couple months, and then all of a sudden they show up and they say, I don't think we're compatible. And it's like, because I have been.

Listening in my conversations.

Why am I not listening in conversations? But I've had that experience of like, people being like, oh my gosh, you're so interesting and special, and I'm so, I can see a future for us, and then like, Inconsistently say that, and then one day they're like, you know, I think maybe we're not the right people together. And it's like quick, fast change.

How is that when that happens? That must be really...

I just say, oh, confusing. I was like, this feels like a whiplash. I'm wondering if that was part of, is that, you know, I'm a fucking therapist.

But do you think that they're even aware of it?

I've learned in the more recent process to do two things. Get curious. And that tends to shine a little bit of light for people. I think at times I've also done like, Hey, that feels like a bit of whiplash. Is that familiar in your history? To be really invested in someone and then not, which is a strategy. But then they'll be like, Thank you, doctor. You gotta be careful on that one. But I might go, well, what's coming up all of a sudden that feels like it's not the right match for you?

-It'S so compassionate and curious. It's really the way to do it because otherwise, what do you mean? How could you say that?

-You'Re like, okay, tell me more about that. -Tell me more. And they're like, oh, well, you know, I just had this feeling in my gut. And I'm like, well, what's the feeling in your gut about? Like, I'm, and actually be curious. It's hard because it's hard of us is deeply hurt that all of a sudden we're getting rejected.

-Yeah.

-But we have to get into that. -I've actually done this with a previous partner where they're in that phase. I'm like, what's coming up? And I'm like, and really not done the therapy part of it, but really done the curious caring part. They're like, oh my gosh, this is what happened to me as a kid. They came to that conclusion themselves.

-This is it. I think you're right. If anybody could learn to be curious, it's just that our patterning is to get Super defensive. So you've learned to shift to compassion and curiosity, and that's literally going to save most people's problems and challenges and relationships. If you could learn to regulate, take a few deep breaths, I'm really angry, I'm feeling hurt, I'm feeling rejected. What do you mean we're not compatible? And saying, okay, I'm curious. Tell me more about that. Where is it coming from? That could change so much, but we don't react. We get stronger. So then you're learning that usually not if it's about Well, maybe some of it is about... Well, that's what we gotta talk about, compatibility versus the chemistry, right? If the chemistry is so much amazing.

But the compatibility also really matters. A good friend of mine last night came over to me or came to my house and he was talking about like, yeah, I was dating this guy for two months and we were cuddling and he couldn't get erect and I asked him what's present for you, what's coming up? And he just said, yeah, maybe I'm just not attracted to you. No. And- Wait, that happened?

Yeah, that happened.

Do you know that that is not.

True, that men have erectile dysfunction and mostly it's not related to that?

And they just associate, they're trying to.

Find like- who is this guy?

Can she break up with him?

They're not seeing each other. That upsets me. Women's biggest concerns are that when a guy's penis doesn't function as she thinks it should, they're like, oh, it's because I'm fat. I did something wrong. He doesn't like me anymore. He's over me. He's not attracted to me. And I would say that 99% of the time that is actually not true. True. Usually it's about something other than like he was too in his head. He was thinking about other things. He was stressed, he was high, whatever. But I don't typically think it's because I thought I was attracted to you every other time. Since before this time, I was hard. Now I'm limp. It's your fault because you got ugly and I'm not attracted to you anymore. But I don't think you're a critic. But that's what your friend's boyfriend said to her. Yeah. Yeah. And to me, I feel like that. It's probably not true.

No.

He was feeling insecure because his penis wasn't being hard.

And he just blamed it on my friend.

But I'm saying that's already a nightmare that women do that anyway. And I always tell women it's not about you. His penis has its own life, its own thing that is unrelated to you. Yeah.

Because the other thing he said to my friend was, I feel so safe around you. And so it's strange that I'm not attracted to you. And I'm like, hello. Talk about intimacy issues. This is like oftentimes the safer we feel with someone, the more it evokes our fears because all of a sudden it's safe enough to feel them, right? Yeah. And so like, of course, the safer you feel, the more shit is going to come to the surface because it finally can. Yeah.

So, and also safety can cancel out arousal and attraction.

Safety check.

Desire.

Yeah, if safety has been paired with things like fear, then it's certainly going to take out any type of erection or arousal.

But have you ever been with someone and you were like, your penis didn't react because you actually weren't attracted to them physically?

I think my penis always performed well, but I could Yes, I was with someone and I was like, it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right. And it wasn't until like four months in that I was like, oh, this feels right. I stayed committed even because there was enough other good stuff. I stayed committed to like, can we change this? Can I evolve? Can I figure out what's going on in me? And it did. And then I couldn't keep my pants on around this person. -So, after this discussion on a scale of 1 to 10, how much more do you feel like you are open to commitment?

-I feel like I am the same exact open to commitment, but I think I am open to commitment that is well defined and intermittent commitment on a very clear sort of understanding between myself and whoever the committees are. -What about you? How do you feel? What is your level of commitment after this episode? what have you learned?

You know, I have learned that I want to try out a little intermittent commitment. No, that's a lie. I've actually naming like that over commitment is a commitment issue brings a lot of awareness for me of going, I do think I invest and give too quickly before I recognize if that can be received and offered back.

Yeah. that makes a lot of sense, especially because you know that that's something that you want. It's like jumping into a little too quickly. You might be like, we'll find out a little bit more. We'll gather a little bit more information before we get to that commitment. Yeah, I love that. Yeah.

I've realized both three of my long-term relationships, I just went into relationship and committed after one date.

Okay. Wow. Wow.

Wow.

Right. Okay.

I have a commitment issue.

Yes. well, yes, it's packing. Yeah. You do it too quickly.

Holy. Sometimes it's a commitment issue.

After one date. Well, you're like, let's lock it down. Lock it down. Lock it down. And I'm like, no, let's not talk about it for months and months. And when you want to bring it up, I got. Got something else to do. Same. Both are different ends of the commitment coin.

Yeah, yeah. Let's flip that coin.

That's it for For today's episode, thanks so much for listening to Sex With Emily. If you love the show, please like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or partner. It just might spark something. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, and X. It's all @sexwithemily. And I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides, articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Have a question about sex dating or relationships? Call my hotline 559-Talk-Sex that's 559-825-5739 or leave a message at sexwithemily.com/ask and hey was it good for you? Email me anytime at feedback@sexwithemily.com I'd love to hear what you're thinking.